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John’s Horror Corner: The Boneyard (1991), it’s not your average hulking, evil, mutant zombie poodle movie

September 5, 2013

MY CALL:  Asian children mummy zombies, an eight foot tall old lady ghoul and a roid-raging mutant poodle monster…yup, you’ve got to see this.  Once this movie got going (about halfway through) it was a lot of fun and it managed to steer away from being “just another zombie movie” while maintaining all of the hokiness.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Other older zombie movies that successful avoid being “just another zombie movie” include Flesh Eating Mothers (1988) and Dead-Alive (1992).  For some other horror movies that stand out from the same old recycled paradigms try The Abomination (1988), Leviathan (1989), The Deadly Spawn (1983), The Kindred (1987), Night of the Creeps (1986), The Thing (1982; not The Thing 2011), and Slither (2006).

A detective and a homely psychic go to a coroner’s office to investigate a Japanese man’s claim that his ancestors have been protecting humanity from zombie children.  This sounds fun, but it takes over 40 minutes for anything to happen and those 40 minutes are painfully stale with wretched writing and talentless acting; it’s not even campy or cheesy, it’s just plain bad even by “bad horror” standards.

Meet your resident psychic.  Hey, remember how horror movies always used to cast bikini models to play scientists, psychics and paranormal investigators?  And how we’d roll our eyes out how lame that was…?  Yeah, I’m missing that right now.

When she’s not using her second sight to hunt down Asian children zombies, she dreams about hugging dead children zombies.

Thankfully, at some point they realized they had to let the cat out of the bag.  And in this case “the cat” is a trio of slimy, twitchy Asian zombie children.  These zombies have a little more flavor than most.  Being hundreds of years old, they look a bit like unwrapped mummies with sunken leathery faces and being children makes them a bit more creepy.

This looks like a paparazzi photo of Lindsay Lohan skipping out on rehab again.

Like any good zombie, these zombies manage to infect others.  Not by bite, but by contact with their slime.  A despicably heinous old lady becomes infected and mutates into an eight foot tall, googly-eyed ghoul with menacingly clumsy long-limbed prosthetics.  It was hilarious and awesome!  Another fine infection greets us when the woman’s poodle licks up some slimy zombie secretions.  This poodle transforms into a giant, roid-raging monster reminiscent of Dead-Alive (1992).

Here is our before picture of a crotchety old lady and her dog.

Once this movie got going (about halfway through) it was a lot of fun and it managed to steer away from being “just another zombie movie” while maintaining all of the hokiness.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. September 7, 2013 3:12 pm

    Reblogged this on Top Zombie Movies and commented:
    that’s something I have to see … poodle monster, lol 🙂

    • johnleavengood permalink
      September 7, 2013 3:21 pm

      Thanks for the mutant zombie poodle love!


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