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The 2013 Random Awards: Celebrating the Good, Bad and Good Bad of Cinema.

January 1, 2014

Hello all. Mark here.

I’ve already unleashed my best of 2013 but here is my overly long wrap up of 2013. The awards are aplenty and they cover copious amounts of film genres. Some are good. Some are bad. Some are so bad they are good.

Spoilers abound! 


The Poster That Can Best Be Summed Up As “AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!” Award.

Where was this intensity in the Wolverine movie?

The Wolverine movie poster 2

Best Death Via Flare Gun Award.

The Last Stand. You will find an audience eventually.

The Last Stand Johnny Knoxville

Most Gratuitous Usage of Pleather in a Medieval Land Full of Witches Award.

Don’t worry Gemma Arterton. You are a great actress. Hollywood will figure out what to do with you eventually. I kinda like Hansel & Gretel though.

Hansel and Gretel Gemma arterton

How Are We Going to Explain This to the Police Award?

Mama. A kid and a angry ghost turn into leaves. Zero evidence. Missing children. Court battle ahead.

John's Horror Corner: Mama (2013)

Do They Airbrush Tailored Suits Nowadays Award?

Parker. Ouch.

Parker movie poster

The Worst Movie of 2013, 2014 and Possibly 2015 Award.

Die Hard 5. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.


Most Arrogant Dragon Who Loves Gold More Than Scrooge McDuck Award.

Smaug the smug you are wonderful.

Smaug The Hobbit

Moment That Made 7 out of 10 Emma Watson Fans Head Explode Award.

Between The Bling Ring, Pain & Gain and Spring Breakers 2013 was full of wonderfully dumb criminals.

Emma Watson Bling Ring dancing

Best Hair of 2013!

Ewan McGregor in Jack the Giant Slayer. It stays immaculate whilst battling giants.

Jack the Giant Slayer Ewan McGregor

Guy With the Most Sh** Award.

Franco as Alien. Dude has a ton of stuff.

Franco alien springbreakers

Best Use of a Towel Award.

Craig Robinson is the nicest dude in This is the End. He sacrifices himself via running at a demon waving his towel. Totally random. Really funny. Great payoff

Craig Robinson this is the end

Oddest Love Story Award.

The Host and the World’s First Quadrangle Love Story Involving Jellyfish Aliens and Voice Overs.

The Host Dianne Kruger

My White House Under Attack Film Made More Money Than Your White House Under Attack Film Award.

Good job Gerard Butler. Your insane R-rated bloody action film Olympus Has Fallen beat out Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx.


Best Shark Punching Award.

Kon-Tiki. Shark eats bird. Shark gets murdered.

kon tiki shark killing

Best Fight Award.

Sung Kang and Tyrese battling evil henchman #7 in Fast Six. Han and Roman are the most likable of the bunch and to see them brawling with a spin kicking dynamo provided us with laughs, excitement and more laughs.

Honorable mention: The bonkers train fight in Wolverine featuring two tough yet unlucky Yakuza battling Wolvy.

Sung kang tyrese

Best Movie That Would be Hard to Recommend Because it is So Incredibly Dark and Bleak.

Sightseers you are wonderful. Not sure I can recommend you to non-cinephiles. Also, you gotta watch Kill list, Down Terrace and Field in England.


Dude You Knew Was Gonna Be a Star and is Now a Star Award.

Michael B. Jordan for Fruitvale Station. After The Wire, FNL and Chronicle he is finally getting his due.

Fruitvale station

Ridiculously Good Looking Ghostbusters Award.

Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson blue steel their way to horror fame in the wonderful Conjuring. 

The conjuring

Best Character, Mentor, Performance of the Year Award.

Sam Rockwell is my hero. The Way, Way Back is the best film of 2013.

The Way Way Back Sam Rockwell

Best Line of the Year.

Wanna Fight? Only God Forgives is an under appreciated violent bomb of glory.

Only God Forgives poster

Savior of Subpar Award.

Sharni Vinson saves the day in You’re Next


There is a moment where Jon Voight is using a silly accent while Selena Gomez is talking to Ethan Hawke about financial nonsense and I loved how a movie like this could be made Award.

Thank you Getaway. You are truly weird.


Best Insult of the Year Involving  Tchotchkes

I never thought I’d hear Kevin Hart call Sylvester Stallone a “knick knack making son of a bitch.” I enjoyed Grudge Match

kevin hart

The Biggest Jerk of the Year. 

The demon lady in Insidious 2. Massive jerk.

insidious 3 demon lady

Best Eyebrows in a YA Book Film Adaptation Award. 

Lily Collins in Mortal Instruments. Bad movie. Great eyebrow upkeep.

Lily Collins mortal instruments

Best Facial Hair and Flannels Award.

John Travolta and DeNiro in The Killing Season. Travolta never shaves and basically wills his chinstrip facial hair to stay immaculate. 

Killing Season poster

The Best Marketing of Gratuitous Stripping in a Trailer That Didn’t Annoy fanboys (sorry Alice Eve) or Feel Overly Gratuitous (Die Hard 5 undressing in a parking garage).

Jennifer Aniston and her warehouse stripping were a major factor in the marketing for We’re the Millers. Same thing happened with her in Horrible Bosses. Both movies were sleeper hitsMaybe Star Trek and Die Hard 5 should have taken the Aniston effect into account.

We're The Millers Jennifer Aniston dancing

The Best Villain of the Year 

Ben Kingsley’s Mandarin in Iron Man 3 is a wonderful blend of unpredictable habits and Shakespearean  comedy.


In One Conversation I Got You to Go Back to College and Introduce Me to Your Family and Friends Award.

Scarlett nails her role in Don Jon. Great job JGL.

scarlett don jon

This is a Fake Movie But it Needs to Happen Award.

Bruce and Kelly were born to play these roles.

so hard so fast don jon movie poster

Your Shtick Never Gets Old Award.

Arnold is really really good in the subpar Escape Plan.

The Escape Plan Arnie

Most Gratuitous Usage of Rachel McAdams Smiling Award.

The About Time movie poster. Smiles in the rain aplenty.

about time movie poster

Well, all right Award!

McC in Dallas Buyers Club, Wolf of Wall Street and Mud.

Mud cast

I Need the Dark Material, Gotta Have the Dark Material. I Got the Dark Material! I lost Award.

The evil elf in Thor 2. His plan didn’t work. Thor 2 kind hurt too.

Elf thor 2

James Franco plays a guy named Gator Battling Jason Statham Award. 

Homefront. I love that it exists.


Best Usage of a Scorpion Terrarium.

Anchorman 2. Thank you for the slow motion crash involving bowling balls, boiling oil and scorpions.

Anchorman 2

The Best Looking Moment of the Year

Joseph Kosinski sure can make things look great. Oblivion was an unfairly dogpiled film that featured a pumping M83 score and some amazing visuals. I loved the wide shot during the pool scene.

Oblivion sky tower

Best Shirt Acting whilst Walking and Talking. 

Ethan Hawke your shirt acting knows no bounds in Before Midnight.

Before Midnight movie poster 2

3 Comments leave one →
  1. January 3, 2014 11:18 pm

    Great Great list. I love that you inclued Sharni Vinson of “You’re Next” . That flick was awesome. Oh and I can never go wrong with a little strip tease by Jennifer Anniston. Did not like that movie, but my god. She looks better in her 40’s then she did when she was younger. Also gotta check out Sightseers, despite it being really dark

    • January 4, 2014 11:10 am

      Thanks! Sharni saved You’re Next. Also, Anniston definitely owned the most gratuitous stripping scene ever. She is cool so it works. I loved Sightseers! It looks great and the characters are fully thought out but it is uber bleak.


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