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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Glowering Hoodies and the Mortal Instruments

January 14, 2014

Lily Collins mortal instruments

The Mortal Instruments is the story of a normal girl who discovers she has world saving powers and incredible eyebrows. She is drawn into an ancient battle between good and evil that will decide the fate of all mankind. She also has to deal with the obligatory YA love triangle involving mysterious men who glower whilst wearing hoodies.

mortal instruments

On this blog we’ve covered the world’s first love quadrangle featuring three people and a voice over in The Host. Also, Co-writer John just examined the Gothic YA story Beautiful Creatures. We realize that we are not the target demographic in the same way young teenagers wouldn’t appreciate To the Wonder or any Scott Adkins direct to DVD film. However, we watch everything in our attempt to be well-rounded cinephiles. Also, I enjoy torturing John with movies he vowed to never watch. See review for Blue Crush 2.

Instead of picking holes in the film I want to discuss how it uses the familiar YA tropes. Here are some of the usual suspects

1. There will be a love triangle. Yep. It happens. Check out this line

Next time, it might be a nice idea to mention that you already have a man in your bed, so we can avoid such uncomfortable situations.

2. Bad CGI will be used.  There is a scene where CCH Pounder turns into a demon while Bach is playing and it is kinda cool. She wrecks shop then gets stabbed by a guy in a hoodie.

3. There will be pouting.  It will look and sound like this “he is my best friend but that guy with the hoodie is so intense and mysterious.”

4. Expository dialogue will be used. For instance, “There’s a map inside your head, Clary. YOU are the key to our survival.”

5. Somebody in the crew will be jealous of the love triangle. His name is Alec Lightwood and he says this:

She’s going to get us all killed.

6. There will be more hoodies. Say hello to the Warlock.

Warlock Mortal

7. Somebody overacts whilst knowing they are in a bad YA book adaptation. Thank you Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

The Mortal Instruments is about the age-old story of Shadowhunters (good guys), vampires, warlocks, werewolves and demons. They all wear leather clad costumes and some want world domination. It is true kitchen sink young adult film making. There is a love triangle, jealous sidekick and lots of good-looking people standing around for publicity shots.

Mortal instruments cast

Lilly Collins is the sweet girl with paint stained overalls that is brought into the dangerous world of demon wrangling. Unbeknownst to her she has the ability to “see stuff.” Her ability gets her mom kidnapped and then she is attacked by demon dogs. A mysterious stranger in a hoodie saves her and she begins her tutelage to become a Shadowhunter who wears short black dresses.

Mortal Instruments Lilly collins

After about 30 minutes of expository dialogue the well quaffed team start searching for her mother. They engage in battles with vampires, demons and bouncers who don’t believe they are 21.

Lilly collins black dress

So, what are Shadowhunters and what do they do? A character named Hodge “expository” Starkweather does his best to explain it to you. 

Half angel, Half human, Beings of immense power, strong enough to restore balance and protect the world in a war against evil. Everything you’ve heard about monsters, about nightmares, legends whispered around campfires. All the stories are true.

The problem is that there are only four Shadowhunters left and they are understandably all about self-preservation. This new addition adds jealousy (one guy loves Hoodie jace) and proves how little a wardrobe the female member owns (she is always called a stripper).

After several double crosses the main baddie played by Jonathan Rhys Myers hits the earth and attempts to unleash all the demons. So, the good guys make a last stand to overcome the overacting bad guy. It is basically everything you’ve ever seen or read before. Eventually, Lilly realizes her powers and a sassy palm (with a wind machine) saves the day.

The Mortal Instruments Lilly Collins Shadowhunter

The Mortal Instruments is for people who love YA adaptations that give you nothing new. It is like the Hangover 2 of comedy or Clash of the Titans of action. It is the safe choice that isn’t as insane as Twilight or actually good like the Hunger Games.

Enjoy the hoodies! Watch out for the sassy palm! Master the “glower” face.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 14, 2014 4:55 pm

    Hilarious review. Pretty much spot on, too. 😀

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