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Bad Movie Tuesday: A certified bro’s perspective on Blue Crush 2 (2011)

October 22, 2013

John, here!  This week I will be your Bad Movie Tuesday guest writer and together we will endure…

MY CALL:  Not sure how the teenage girl target audience felt about this.  But I’m a 32 year old certified bro and this bored me to tears.  But maybe if you grew up on Hannah Montana, this is for you.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Ugh…other movies filled with puppies and sunshine made for teenage girls.

Okay, so I only watched this because I told MFF-founder Mark that I would NEVER watch Blue Crush 2. Days later I received it from Amazon and I was almost certain there was a shipping error until I saw the note that read “Surfs up! Aloha! From Mark.”  He secretly bought it for me from Amazon as a gag gift and now I feel obligated to watch and review it.  I mean, look, he even sprung the extra few bucks to get me the blu-ray.

See.  This was a legit gift!  I did not buy, rent or in any way desire to see this.

So Dana (Sasha Jackson; China Bigfoot: Legend of the Yeren), an 18 year old valley girl who desires adventure to her privileged upper class problemless life, sets off to visit South Africa and leaves the continent without telling her father.  Let’s just pause right here.  She just leaves!  She lives with her dad and uses his credit card yet feels no obligation to tell him that she’s going to AFRICA on his dime!  Africa isn’t so safe these days, by the way, especially not for a naïve blonde teenager who may have never left the country or understand different cultures.  Didn’t she see Blood Diamond or Safe House?  Things can get a little rough over there.  Let’s add that it’s not even clear if she’s in high school, college or what.  Is she failing classes due to all these absences?  Will this little irresponsible adventure cost her a chance at getting into a decent college?  And if she’s in college, EVEN WORSE!  This would be catastrophic to her transcripts.  Let’s face it, this girl is simply reckless.  So maybe we should sneer instead of patting her on the back for “being so brave” or “true to herself.” Kids need to learn consequences–meanwhile I wouldn’t trust this girl to parallel park next to my car.

Right after arriving in South Africa, Dana clashes with a rude local on a bus who then follows her all the way to the beach just to steal her stuff out of spite.  Welcome to Africa, Dana!  Maybe drop the entitled attitude when you’re talking to strange men in Africa.  You’re daddy can’t clean up your mess with legal threats or the swipe of a credit card out here.  And this all happened because she didn’t want to sit next to him on the bus.  What a privileged little…aaargh! I won’t say it.  Whatever, she got what she deserved.  I think the writers wanted me to sympathize with her after being robbed.  But no, this bro says the chick had it coming!

Dana meets Pushy (Elizabeth Mathis; Tron: Legacy) and Tara (Sharni Vinson; You’re Next, Bait).  Dana and Pushy are instant besties but Tara is the standoffish tough girl on the beach.  She’s a pro and she doesn’t like anyone getting in her way, so she immediately clashes with Dana.  As a certified bro I find this so tired.  We all know they’re going to be friends in the end of the movie even if that wouldn’t happen in real life.  This lace and roses goodie movie crap doesn’t fly with me.

So, take a look, bros.  You can sorta’ just tell that this girl probably doesn’t like adding new girls to the group.

Dana seeks to find herself by surfing at all the beaches in some old photos her deceased mother had taken when she had surfed those beaches.  This is her way of connecting with her mother who she never really got to know.  This strikes me as a very sweet thing to do and could make for a cute movie for kids.  So why corrupt it by sneaking away from home and running up your dad’s credit card bill by purchasing a most likely outrageously priced same-day flight to Africa?  And hey, she left for Africa the very same day she decided to go.  So she clearly didn’t get a VISA!!!!!!  I realize this is probably just a minor writing flaw in the story.  But in real life she’d need to wait a week or two for this VISA.  So, in order to get to Africa, I’m going with “she’s now a criminal” because she must have snuck onto the plane somehow like a little blonde ninja.  Enjoy your jail time when you get home, Dana.  And say hi to Lindsay Lohan for me.  Maybe you can be cell mates.  Might we add that, forgiving a possible writing flaw, that the guy on the bus stole your bag that would have had your passport, VISA, credit cards and all forms of identification you may have.  So ummmm…have fun at the embassy trying to explain that!

So now after hearing all this, this bro is like “Come on, bro. You can’t be serious with this movie synopsis. It’s gotta’ be totes bogus.”  And then I’m all “Sorry, Bro. THAT–JUST–HAPPENED!!!!”

To add some sense of adventure, Dana and Pushy get mixed up with some ivory poacher–I wasn’t impressed and felt no sense of urgency.  But wait, the poacher is the same guy from the bus that stole her stuff at the beach.  And her love interest is mixed up with the poacher.  And she has some other love interest.  And they try to follow the poacher to get her stuff back.  Is this chick NUTS!?!?!?!  This story is not just running off the rails, but Dana is seriously insane!  Following a poacher in Africa?  This guy will cut off your blonde head and lose no sleep over it!  Haven’t you seen The Last King of Scotland or The Mummy Returns?  It’s all dictators, death squads and undead armies down there!  What’s the next vacation you have planned?  Sun-bathing and partying in Afghanistan?

Yeah.  Great idea.  Right up there with traveling to Africa alone and telling no one where you’re going with any greater specificity than “South Africa.”  Well that narrows it down!

Too create yet more “first world problems “conflict, Dana’s dad eventually tries to track her down in South Africa–I couldn’t have cared less, but I’m sure it would embarrass any teenager in front of her new cool  surfer friends.  But how on Earth did he find her?  She’s living in a lean-to shack on the beach with a bunch of surfing beach hippies with no responsibilities or electricity.  And get this–he’s not even mad.  He’s actually a really tame and understanding guy who’s just happy to see that his daughter is okay.  That in mind, I’ll bet she could have just “asked” him if she wanted to set up an African surfing adventure.  Maybe they could make a bonding experience out of it and avoid dangerous criminals while they’re at it.  This movie is cute and all, but I’d imagine she should face more in the way of consequences.  I’m a Jersey Italian and if I pulled this crap when I was a kid (or even today) I’d get smacked in the mouth every day for a decade.

This movie could have been made for no reasons other than filming girls in teeny bikinis to a fun summer surfin’ soundtrack.  The tensions never feel too tense, the stakes are never too high, the bikini bottoms always ride up too high, the waves are always bodacious and nothing ever feels too serious.  I wasn’t impressed by the surfing stunts either–but maybe that’s just because I’m no surfer and I have no idea what’s actually hard to do.  Or, it’s because I’m a bro, I don’t get this teenage girl stuff and I just don’t care.

By the way, at the end Dana turns down some sort of pro-tour surfing gig, which would have salvaged the bad grade situation she’d be suffering.  Now someone suggested to me that maybe Dana had just graduated from high school and this was her summer before college or after her freshman year.  Actually, not possible!  South Africa is only subtropical and, being in the Southern Hemisphere, has reversed seasons.  So if it was Dana’s summer, it would be too chilly to surf in South Africa.  June to August highs are in the low 60s to low 70s and these girls weren’t wearing wetsuits.  So, congrats, Dana!  You now have no future.  Enjoy working at Hollister for the foreseeable future.

And who offers her the pro gig?  Her arch nemesis.

Proooobably not in the 60s or low 70s that day.  Otherwise those girls would need a sandwich and am Old Navy pullover to stay warm.

In summary, I cannot give this incredibly unrealistic movie my Bro-Stamp of Approval.  All bros should avoid this movie at all cost unless it’s date night and “she” picked the movie.  In which case I’d advise you to just agree that it’s so sweet how Dana connected with her mother.

Thanks for joining me and my Bad Movie Tuesday pick this week.

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