John’s Horror Corner: I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (1990), a zany British horror comedy about a motorcycle that drinks blood.

MY CALL:  This movie is a weird, very cheesy little thing.  MORE MOVIES LIKE I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle:  For more horror odd horror-comedy, consider that this is somewhat closer to the likes of Blood Diner (1987) or Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh (1991) than it is to Cemetery Man (1994).

After a devil-summoning cultist is murdered mid-conjuring only to have the demon possess his motorcycle, Noddy (Neil Morrissey; Bob the Builder) ends up buying the fixer-upper bike. Now this motorcycle is possessed by some named powerful demon, not a vampire. But the motorcycle is vulnerable to all weaknesses of a classic vampire, along with exorcism. Whatever. At some point we need to wave our hands in the air and decide we just don’t care when the garlic-indulgent inspector repels the foul spirit with his pungent garlic breath and just decide to go along for the ride. When Noddy teams up with a quirky priest, there’s a strong Fright Night (1985) Roddy McDowall vibe.

The humor gets… interesting. A talking severed head can be passed almost as a horror comedy trope (e.g., Evil Dead 2). But when Noddy has a conversation with his anthropomorphic poop in the toilet which then leaps into his mouth, you know you’ve wandered into some pretty weird territory.

This motorcycle is almost like a werebike. When it intends to feed it grows spikes and horns and various deadly extremities making it look like some Hell chopper. Just one year after A Nightmare on Elm Street part 5: The Dream Child (1990) boasted a spectacular motorcycle death, our evil motorcycle is impaling its rider and finding ways to drive them to bloody murder. Then it would bite off a meter maid’s hand with its broken headlight like a toothy maw with glass shard teeth; cut off a priest’s fingers; and separate a nurse’s torso from her body.

They ultimately defeat the motorcycle with a tanning bed. And while this may not be among the first tanning bed death scenes in horror (e.g., Death Spa, Killer Workout, Demons 2), it might be the first time (or even the only time) a tanning bed was used to kill the killer.

There are much better really bad, gory, B-movies out there. But this isn’t a bad watch for fans of b-movies. Director Dirk Campbell (The Worst Witch, Moon and Me, My Petasaurus) would not continue his career in horror, but rather shifted to kids’ shows. Not sure how that transition came along.