John’s Horror Corner: The Convent (2000), a poor man’s Night of the Demons rip-off.

MY CALL: This is bad. Really bad. Though, often laughably bad. I’d call this an awful, very cheap reimagining of Night of the Demons 2. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Convent: For pretty bad movies that are less regrettably bad than The Convent, I’d recommend The Granny (1995), Rabid Grannies (1988) or Killer Tongue (1996). If you watched The Convent and want to see the far better source material—Night of the Demons (1988) and Night of the Demons 2 (1992). The Hazing (2004) was also a good NotD knock-off.

40 years after the slaughter of an entire clergy, uptight Clorissa (Joanna Canton; Masters of Sex), her goth friend Mo (Megahn Perry; The Perfect Host, The Gravedancers), and five more college friends head to the cursed convent. The local folklore is that Christine was impregnated by Father O’Malley, who kidnapped her and aborted her child against her will—hence the clergy slaughter vengeance and now present-day haunting. Almost immediately after breaking into the convent, the co-eds pair off, do drugs and get horny.

Some cultists capture Mo and sacrifice her on a pentagram of glow-in-the-dark paint. The result—Mo is now a glowing-veined, glowing-eyed, glowing-toothed demon-possessed murderer. After being killed by scalding water from a convent shower, a cultist likewise becomes another orc-faced “glow demon.” Their fake gnarly big-gummed teeth, general appearance, and method of demon possession/infection is a cheapened, out of focus, carbon copy of Night of the Demons (1988) and Night of the Demons 2 (1992). But truly, this is more like a copy of a copy of copy with a coffee stain on it, with much quality lost in the across the transfer.

The acting and writing are rough. This is so bad! Kind of fun bad, but mostly just bad bad. Lol. No regrets. This movie was lame. But I must admit, I shook my head with a disapproving grin quite a lot. Apparently the demons can use a virgin for the rebirth of the devil and such. So there’s that. This was the topic of the cultists’ dialogue, which leads to some laughable ends including some inoffensive homophobia (in that the straight guy was the butt of the joke from the very funny LGBT character and actor Kelly Mantle). Some additional laughs which suffered greatly from the writing come from smaller cameo roles by Coolio (Pterodactyl, Dracula 3000, Leprechaun 5: In the Hood) and Bill Moseley (Boar, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, House of 1000 Corpses, Texas Chainsaw 3-D, The Blob, Smothered), and co-star Adrienne Barbeau (The Fog, Swamp Thing, Escape from New York, Creepshow, Two Evil Eyes).

The budget is very low. But I appreciate director Mike Mendez’ (Tales of Halloween, Satanic Hispanics) and his cast and crew’s efforts. A guy gets some fatal oral sex from a demon, a girl’s face is ripped off, someone’s head is partially punched off, and there’s loads of bright orange blood. None of it looks particularly “good,” but it’s nonsense fun. And that’s what this movie is—laughable nonsense. It’s not exactly the type of “so bad it’s good” I prefer, but it works juuust enough. And while this viewing experience isn’t completely regrettable, it makes me long for the good old days when my bad movies were more like The Granny (1995), Rabid Grannies (1988) or Killer Tongue (1996)—all more satisfying than The Convent.