Skip to content

Bad Movie Tuesday: Girls School Screamers (1985), it’s not the kind of movie the crappy title suggests…

December 3, 2024

MY CALL: A totally forgettable, but totally serviceable selection for a bad movie night. The gore is weak, the effects are infrequent, but the acting and story are surprising not terrible and there are a few effects scenes that are almost worth the very discounted price of admission. MOVIES LIKE Girls School Screamers: For more campy horror dropping a cast of victims in a haunted mansion, consider The Legacy (1978), Spookies (1986), Doom Asylum (1987), Spellcaster (1988), and Cthulhu Mansion (1992).

First things first. With a title like Girls School Screamers, you’d probably expect a raunchy horror loaded with sex scenes and gratuitous nudity. These elements are completely absent here, and this title is clearly doing this capable campy horror movie a disservice. I almost didn’t watch this based on the title alone! Moreover, this is not the kind of movie that typically dons the Troma label. Truly, this movie is classy when compared to its title and Troma association.

This clunky flick opens with a ghostly woman’s voice luring a preteen deep into her haunted house. Upon cackling revelation, she has a gooey flesh-melty face with writhing worms and all manner of grossness—for low budget b-horror, it’s actually pretty cool. Truth be told, this very screen grab lured me to watch this movie.

The haunted house, along with millions of dollars’ worth of art and other contents, has been willed to the Trinity Girls College. But before they can take custody of the estate, the top seven students and one nun chaperone have been selected to stay there for a weekend and inventory its contents.

A brief séance leads to the discovery that one of the girls shares an uncanny likeness with a long-dead resident of this mansion. Now fascinated by her connection to the house, she reads her historical doppelganger’s old journal and learns more about the history of the mansion’s old family. It seems her wealthy uncle was obsessed with her and was grooming her for eventual seduction and marriage! She rejects his advances and is shoved down the stairs to her death. So what then happened to the incestuous uncle, now also a murderer, you might ask? No clue. Perhaps the end of the movie will tell us.

After the pretty cool and gross opening scene, essentially nothing remotely interesting happens for the next 45 minutes. It’s as if it’s not even a horror movie for this duration. But the movie isn’t so bad that I’m hating life in this absence of horror. I’m just wondering what’s up.

The first death scene is a total throwaway where we don’t see anything juicy… not until they find the ho-hum bloody body. Deaths #2-4 are equally lackluster, involving a meat hook, a worm-covered zombie arm (no clue what’s going on there), and an unmanned car (no clue what’s going on there either). The pitchfork death scene (#6) is equally throwaway bad. The electrocution death (#5), however, was fun, gooey, gross and graphic. I had no idea that being electrocuted could result in melting flesh, facelessness, and dismemberment. That’s a PSA for all you do-it-yourselfers at home.

So who’s doing the killing here? Well, it turns out to be the ghost or somehow undying incestuous uncle! And like Dracula stalking his lost love’s reincarnation, he wants to marry the college girl who bears the likeness of his long-dead niece who had rejected him, using her dead co-eds as bridesmaids that he literally dressed up for the occasion. So… he had the bridemaids’ dresses this whole time?

And how does our reincarnated co-ed defeat this perhaps undead, undying incestuous uncle…? She just pokes him in the eyes with her fingers. That’s it. And now with five of her classmates dead and a confused, tired, elderly nun chaperone, what does she do? No clue. The movie ends with her ominously looking out the window as if she planned on staying there forever. These and so many of the aforementioned details herein make this, in my humble opinion, a delightfully bad movie worthy of any bad movie night. Just be patient between the first awesome scene and the next 45 minutes.

Writer and director John P. Finnegan (Blades) delivers a campy, enjoyably bad movie with pleasantly unawful acting and somewhat decent storytelling.

The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast – Episode 593: Ghosts of Mars, John Carpenter, and Space Gibberish

December 2, 2024

You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).

If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome.

Mark and Jonny Numb discuss the 2001 action horror film Ghosts of Mars, directed by John Carpenter, and starring Ice Cube, Natasha Henstridge, Jason Statham and some ill-tempered ghosts, the movie focuses on what happens when an elite force of space cops battle a group of unintelligible ghost people. In this episode, they also talk about trampolines, John Carpenter’s filmography, and space gibberish. Enjoy!

If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!

You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.

John’s Horror Corner: Azrael (2024), a post-apocalyptic, folk horror, pseudo-zombie-demon movie.

December 1, 2024

MY CALL: This film spans various subgenres and encapsulates a lot of intensity. It’s very violent, very graphic, and goes very unexplained. I thought it was great and, frankly, a noble step up for the writer and director involved. PS—don’t trust the trailer. It doesn’t represent the movie well. MOVIES LIKE Azrael:. For more horror films that make good use of silence, try The Descent (2005), A Quiet Place (2018), or The Silence (2019).

“Many years after the Rapture… among the survivors, some are driven to renounce their sin of speech.”

For reasons unknown to us, Azrael (Samara Weaving; Mayhem, The Babysitter, Ready or Not) is captured by her mute fellow locals as if she were a criminal. She is bound and left to be sacrificed to a bloodthirsty forest demon that is summoned by ritualistic, trance-like, heavy-breathing. This demon seems to be drawn to blood, and may very well be blind (I wasn’t sure at first)—hence the mute behavior.

Early on, I’m feeling some Mad Max(1979-2024) meets The Village (204) vibes. Everyone’s clothes are ragged, patched and discolored, encampments are rough and salvaged, guns and vehicles are few; but the setting is in woods where nature is in charge, and the people are steeped in superstition. While not so dialogueless, I’m especially reminded of The Shrine (2010), a film which leaves its protagonists (and we the audience) in the dark as all around them speak another language which is not subtitled for the audience. As such, the motives of their antagonists are unclear, leaving a lot to the imagination.

Azrael escapes her ritual sacrifice and is now hunted like an escaped convict, sought after by the villagers and the elders (including Vic Carmen Sonne). Some of these encounters get brutal, with sufficient gore and graphic violence. Likewise, the zombie mob-like gore and biting and flesh-rending of our Rapture demons is very stereotypical—but not in any unsatisfying way. Hehe. These demons behave much like those flesh-eating troglodytes from The Descent (2005). This essentially shifts from folk horror to a bloody zombie movie to folk horror again… with a dash of very bloody post-apocalyptic action movie and religious horror in there. The long finale action sequence is dire upon mean upon dire!

This film, with not one word of comprehensible dialogue, leaves a lot to the imagination both in terms of the villagers’ beliefs, their reasons for pursuing Azrael, and the harrowing ending. Those of you who like explanations may be bothered by this; whereas those who appreciate the occasional mystique of being left in the dark will likely celebrate this. I fall among those pleased with this film. Director E. L. Katz (Cheap Thrills, ABCs of Death 2, Teacup) and writer Simon Barrett (Dead Birds, You’re Next, V/H/S 1-2 & 94, Blair Witch) have moved up a weight class in my opinion. This is a beautifully shot, atmospheric, intense, very cool film!

The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast – Episode 592: Insidious, James Wan and Blumhouse Horror

November 26, 2024

You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).

If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome.

Mark and David Cross discuss the 2010 horror film Insidious. Directed by James Wan, and starring Patrick Wilson, Rose Byrne, Lin Shaye and a real jerk of a demon, the movie focuses on what happens when horrible creatures attack a nice family. In this episode, they also talk about Blumhouse horror, Leigh Whannell, and why Insidious helped spark a horror renaissance 

If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!

You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.

John’s Horror Corner: Body Bags (1993), a light but gory, “Tales from the Crypty” horror anthology.

November 24, 2024

MY CALL: This was pretty fun. There’s no clever writing or inspired ideas to be found here. The stories are pretty basic. Just plain old-fashioned, simple murderous fun in the form of some silly horror shorts. This would be great for introducing a young person (like an early teen with a dark sense of humor) to the genre.

MORE HORROR ANTHOLOGIES: Dead of Night (1945), Black Sabbath (1963), Tales from the Crypt (1972), The Vault of Horror (1973), The Uncanny (1977), Screams of a Winter Night (1979), Creepshow (1982), Screamtime (1983), Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983), Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985), Deadtime Stories (1986), Creepshow 2 (1987), From a Whisper to a Scream (1987; aka The Offspring), After Midnight (1989), Tales from the Crypt Season 1 (1989), Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990), Grimm Prairie Tales (1990), The Willies (1990), Two Evil Eyes (1990), Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (1993), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Campfire Tales (1997), Dark Tales of Japan (2004), 3 Extremes (2004), Creepshow 3 (2006), Trick ‘r Treat (2007), Chillerama (2011), Little Deaths (2011), V/H/S (2012), The Theater Bizarre (2012), The ABCs of Death (2013), V/H/S 2 (2013), All Hallows’ Eve (2013), The Profane Exhibit (2013), The ABCs of Death 2 (2014), V/H/S Viral (2014), Southbound (2015), Tales of Halloween (2015), A Christmas Horror Story (2015), The ABCs of Death 2.5 (2016), Holidays (2016), Terrified (2017; aka Aterrados, a pseudo-anthology), Oats Studios, Vol. 1 (2017), Ghost Stories (2017), XX (2017), All the Creatures Were Stirring (2018), The Field Guide to Evil (2018), Nightmare Cinema (2018), Blood Clots (2018), Shudder’s series Creepshow (2019-2021), Scare Package (2019), The Mortuary Collection (2019), Xenophobia (2019), V/H/S/94 (2021), Netflix’s series Cabinet of Curiosities (2022), V/H/S/99 (2022), V/H/S/85 (2023) and V/H/S/Beyond (2024).

This anthology essentially feels like three Tales from the Crypt episodes were strung together into a movie. And like the Tales from the Crypt series, this is a who’s who of major cameos both in terms of actors and major horror filmmakers. The stories may be a bit gory at times. But the tone is rather light and playful. This is clearly meant more to amuse, and not to scare.

Hosted by a kooky coroner (John Carpenter) who cuts his steak with a bonesaw and sips formaldehyde martinis, we are introduced to each anthology segment with Crypt Keeper-esque style. Between anthology segments, we enjoy some dark humor and corpse shenanigans. Tom Arnold (Freddy’s Dead) and Tobe Hooper have cameos as coroners in this wraparound segment called The Morgue.

———————————–

Gas Station

The story of a new employee, an unlucky homeless guy, her employer, her employer’s murderer, and a hero who forgot his credit card. Anne (Alex Datcher; Netherworld) starts her first graveyard shift at a gas station the night a murder takes place in Haddonfield. She encounters a ragged creepy customer (Wes Craven; Wes Craven’s New Nightmare), gets locked out of the attendant’s box trying to help a customer (David Naughton; Amityville: A New Generation, An American Werewolf in London), a creepy homeless man turns up dead in the garage… and so does her co-worker (Sam Raimi; Intruder). The highlight is when a guy is crushed under the car lift and spews out gouts of blood.

Hair

Despite every bit of support and assurance his girlfriend Megan (Sheena Easton) can muster, Richard (Stacy Keach; Children of the Corn 666, Class of 1999) is incredibly insecure about losing his hair. His fear of balding is driving Megan mad, and away from him.

Richard contacts a hair-rejuvenation doctor (David Warner; Waxwork, Necronomicon: Book of the Dead, The Company of Wolves, The Unnamable IIIce Cream Man) from a TV ad, and after his treatment he instantly has a ridiculous head of long, rock star locks. Unfortunately, he keeps growing hair—it continues to grow rapidly and from places it shouldn’t… including his face. It turns out there’s more to this hair treatment than he thought.

Eye

A baseball (Mark Hamill; The Guyver, Child’s Play) player suffers a gory, career-ending eye injury in a car accident. After undergoing an experimental eye transplant, he begins to see things that slowly drive him mad. With the eye of a murderer in his head, he begins to see past victims and behave like a complete psychopath. It gets a bit stressful (from a domestic violence perspective) and culminates in him stabbing out his new eye to free himself of his madness.

———————————–

Directors John Carpenter (Gas Station, Hair) and Tobe Hooper (Eye) deliver three light horror segments in the vein of Tales from the Crypt. The audience is graced with some great chonky wound, latex and blood work, as well as numerous cameos including Greg Nicotero (The Walking Dead), Debbie Harry (aka, Blondie; Tales from the Dark Side: The Movie, Videodrome), ex-model Twiggy, and producer Roger Corman.

There’s nothing special to be found here. It’s just something nice to watch with a lot of familiar faces for films fans of the era.

John’s Horror Corner: The Lift (1983; aka, De Lift), a brutally boring “elevator horror.”

November 23, 2024

MY CALL: This incredibly boring Dutch horror has no merits. This is only for devourers of the most bad of bad movies. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Lift: The obvious choice is Devil (2010), which is fantastic. The Platform (2019) is not really “elevator horror,” but it would still make a decent themed double-feature. There’s also The Shaft (2001; aka, Down), Thang Máy (2020) from Vietnam, and Elevator Game (2023).

After lightning strikes a high-rise, the elevator malfunctions and literally heats up its occupants nearly to death because… well… it’s evil?

This old flick is incredibly tedious from the start. It’s a rigidly written movie with way too many characters that have way too much dialogue that is completely inconsequential. It’s as if the director is trying add to the running time at any boring cost—which sadly, may indeed have been the case. Many entire scenes could be deleted from this movie and go completely unnoticed. For example, I didn’t need to know the blind man’s extremely mundane backstory before he died immediately after we learn about him. And why did I need to know how sentimental his pen was before he had a completely off-screen death falling down the elevator shaft? Not good writing; that’s not the reason.

Now I must admit that death #2 was quite entertaining as the victim’s head is caught in the elevator doors as the lift cage lowers and severs his head (like in Final Destination 2). That was a good laugh and well done for lower budget 80s horror. But overall, the death scenes are incredibly too few and far between to suggest enduring this movie. There isn’t really any non-death horror either.

Elevator repairman Felix Adelaar (Huub Stapel; Saint) teams up with a journalist (Willeke van Ammelrooy; Doodzonde) to try to get to the bottom of these mysterious deaths, which his boss doesn’t like him sniffing about. This is all written more like a bad crime thriller than a horror movie. I’m not sure the director could decide which of the two genres this even was.

Eventually there are somewhat interesting revelations regarding recent technological advances and how they may get out of hand. But I just don’t care. This movie made me suffer too many painfully boring scenes before it ever threatened any point or allegory. At this point, I was just waiting for it to end. Sigh. Yeah, don’t watch this.

Writer and director Dick Maas (Saint, Prey) apparently remade this under the title The Shaft (2001). I’m such a glutton for punishment that I just might watch it… it actually has a decent cast.

The Remarkable Life of Ibelin (2024) – Review

November 19, 2024

Quick Thoughts – Grade – A – The Remarkable Life of Ibelin is a sensitive and intimate look into the remarkable life of a young man who found a community of friends while playing World of Warcraft

The best thing about documentaries is how they are able to explore secret worlds and focus on the legacy that a young man from Norway left behind. They can focus on a very specific piece of humanity and dive deep into special lives that would probably never be explored. When Mats Steen passed away at the age of 25, he left behind a secret legacy that was soon to be uncovered by his parents Robert and Trude. Mats was born with Duchenne muscular dystrophy, which left him unable to walk, play sports or participate in any type of outdoor activity. Because of this, he retreated into video games and spent thousands of hours playing World of Warcraft under the name “Ibelin.” His parents were supportive, but they never thought that their lonely child had cultivated a group of friends online. This changed when Robert discovered Mats blog after he had passed away, and he decided to write a blog post to let Mats’ gaming friends know that his son had died. What followed was totally unexpected as Robert and Trude received dozens of responses letting them know how much “Ibelin” had meant to them.

The Benjamin Ree documentary (which you can watch on Netflix) does a fine job exploring Mats’ life and it will also make tears explode from your eyes. One of the most tragic moments of the documentary occurs when Robert and Trude wish they would have talked to Mats more about the game and how they should’ve played World of Warcraft so they could’ve spent more time with their son. It’s tragic stuff, the story is told through interviews and game recreations that rely on transcripts to show what Mats was up to during the 15,000 to 20,000 hours he was online. Mats was a part of a guild called Starlight, and they provided the transcripts which gives the audience an interesting look into why Mats loved WoW so much. On his blog, Mats wrote “”There my handicap doesn’t matter, my chains are broken and I can be whoever I want to be. In there I feel normal.” Another tear-inducing moment comes when one of his online friends talks about how whenever Mats logged in he would spend at least 30 minutes running around the forests, towns, and cities that populate the Eastern Kingdom of the game that he loved so much. In his later years, Mats was isolated in his wheelchair, so the freedom of the open world of WoW must’ve felt like a release as he could walk, talk and flirt with pretty elves. 


The Remarkable life of Ibelin is loaded with humanity and does a fine job explaining why parents and friends should be interested and curious about what their family and friends enjoy.

The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast – Episode 591: The Gate, Cult Classic Horror Films, and Split Scream Vol. 6

November 19, 2024

You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).

If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome.

Mark and David Cross discuss the 1987 horror film The Gate and also talk about David’s new book that was just released from Tenebrous Press. If you’re looking for something to read make sure to buy Split Scream Vol. 6, because it’s a great horror read. 

https://store.tenebrouspress.com
Follow David at @itsmedavidcorse.bsky.social

If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!

You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.

John’s Horror Corner: Dark Harvest (2023), a clever repackaging of Pumpkinhead for a Halloween Purge Night.

November 16, 2024

MY CALL: A lot like Pumpkinhead (1988), but also its own entity entirely, this movie is solid popcorn fun with good pacing, horror action, and creature effects. I don’t know how this escaped my radar (as something actually worth watching). MORE MOVIES LIKE Dark Harvest: Well, certainly Pumpkinhead (1988). But also things like Nothing Left to Fear (2013), not that I’m recommending it.

Steeped in urban fantasy, this is world where a small 1950s farming town is annually plagued by the supernatural, murderous, pumpkin-headed Sawtooth Jack. And in a seasonal ritual, this demon is hunted and killed, with the winner gaining local fame, financial rewards, and credit for the bountiful crops to come. This folklore fiend is common knowledge to the locals, and only the most radical of conspiracy theorists would deny it. Sawtooth regrows every year, emerges on Halloween, and must be slain to preserve their way of life… which is otherwise completely normal.

After seeing his brother (Britain Dalton) win the hunt, the accolades, and the heart of the town the previous year, Richie (Casey Likes; The Birch) is determined to do the same despite his parents’ (Jeremy Davies and Elizabeth Reaser) resistance. Richie has something to prove. Whereas most of the town’s teens have no interest in being forced to participate. Those who do are locked away and starved for three days to make animals of them, before unleashing them in full Halloween costume regalia on Sawtooth in this twister Hunger Game. Making this odd urban fantasy harder to swallow for me, is that Sawtooth’s regrowth is also part of the town’s rituals. The pumpkin head is carved and placed atop a scarecrow that eventually becomes flesh, and has Halloween candy sewn into its abdomen like a macabre pinata. Does the rest of the world know about this? Certainly not. This curse is rather clearly the town’s legacy dark secret, and this story is meant to exist in a little snow-globe microcosm of storytelling wherein we must simply decide to go along for the ride. But as ridiculous as this sounds… just go along with it. This movie is actually pretty entertaining and, I’m guessing, contains some strong allegory about superstitious small societies and government control.

The hunt turns into something of a Purge Night, during which looting and murder among townsfolk become commonplace. There’s homicidal riot violence over food, and head-splitting murder between rival teens trying to find and kill Sawtooth before he makes his way from the farmlands to the church.

Sawtooth Jack looks like a cross between Pumpkinhead (1988) and a zombified Communion (1989) grey. The monster effects are actually pretty good. Much better than I’d expect given the silliness of the premise. I was very pleased with how much we get to see of Sawtooth, and how often. And even though the gore relies heavily on CGI, it is very tactfully executed and rather creative. So I was never annoyed or rolling my eyes at the effects. Frankly, I enjoyed the kills a lot, especially the jaw-rip. After all, who doesn’t love a good jaw-rip?

This was significantly better than I expected it to be on just about every level, especially the quality of the death scenes and gore. But not those aspects alone—the general filmmaking and photography were hitting above this movie’s weight class. And despite the wildly unbelievable premise, I appreciated how “all in” the townsfolk were about their curse. Considering that I hadn’t heard of this until stumbling across it on Amazon, I’d say director David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night, Nightmare Cinema) really knocked this under-advertised movie outta’ the park.

MFF Data – The Rundown, The Game Plan, Fast Five, Pain & Gain and Skyscraper: An In-Depth Look at Dwayne Johnson’s Sweatiest Performances

November 15, 2024

Make sure to listen to the companion MFF podcast episode after reading this insane data piece!

This is insane. It really is; however, after watching the Red One trailer and seeing the first image from The Smashing Machine, I became convinced that there was a correlation between the sweatiness of a Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson performance and its impact (good or bad) on his career. Between The Rundown, Fast Five, Pain & Gain, and The Game Plan, his career heats up when his body is trying to cool down. This is why I’m optimistic about The Smashing Machine, as it seems like Johnson is going back to basics to escape his recent VFX-heavy run. The Smashing Machine will be a sweaty reset – which is what Johnson has relied on for 20+ years of success. 

Johnson has made a career out of talking/posting/writing about his sweat. The tagline for his Under Armour collaboration is “BLOOD, SWEAT, RESPECT,” and when talking about his career, he said, “You gotta get up in the morning, you gotta get after it, you gotta put in the work, you gotta sweat. There’s gonna be heavy iron, and there’s gonna be a lot of sweat, and it’s gonna be dirty.” His Instagram posts almost always make sure to include the word “Sweat.”. He’s basically worked sweat into his persona (Sweat Equity is his thing), so this data isn’t as random or dumb as you’d think.

The sweat levels should only go to 10, but after watching his movies again, I had to create an “11” category because there are a handful of movies in which Johnson’s sweat glands work overtime. To place each film in their respective categories, I rewatched his movies, looked for sweaty scenes/moments (Yes – it’s wild, but I had to follow the idea), and came up with a chart. It wasn’t too hard because, since 2017, I’ve been assigned a handful of Dwayne Johnson data posts and research assignments, so they’ve familiarized me with his filmography. 

Six films fall into the 11 category: The Rundown, The Game Plane, Fast Five, Pain & Gain, Skyscraper, and The Smashing Machine (it’s hypothetical). In their own way, these movies have proven important in The Rock’s  evolution as an actor and act as cornerstones of his filmography that have influenced his career.

Here’s a quick breakdown. I included longer explanations of their importance below, but these work as nice cliff notes if you are in a hurry or hate reading. 

  • The Rundown (2003) – In an interview with The Boston Globe, Johnson said that when The Rundown was met with praise from critics, action fans, and general audiences, he went from “The Rock” to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson – which to him meant that people were starting to take him seriously. 
  • The Game Plan (2007) – After Walking Tall, Doom, Gridiron Gang, and Be Cool, Johnson needed a hit, which came in the form of the PG-Rated Disney film The Game Plan. Not only did it help him build a new fanbase, but it was his first non-action film to make more than $100 million worldwide. 
  • Fast Five (2011)– Once again, after Southland Tales, Race to Witch Mountain, Tooth Fairy, and Faster, Johnson found new management and reset his career path. He shaved his head, gained 30 pounds, and got mean again for Fast Five. This propelled him into the action stratosphere.
  • Pain & Gain (2013) – Not only does it feature his best performance, but it’s also his best R-rated film, and he will probably never play a character like this again. In 2013, both Pain & Gain and Snitch failed to clear $100 million at the worldwide box office – that hasn’t happened since. 
  • Skyscraper (2018) – The movie underwhelmed at the box office and kicked off a new era of “immortal Superman” Johnson. It’s wild watching this film now and seeing a Dwayne Johnson character crying while cradling his daughter atop a burning skyscraper (don’t worry, Neve Campbell saves the day). 

Here are longer explanations of why these films are important (if you read the above section, you can skip to the numbers below)

The Rundown (2003) – Johnson’s first starring role in The Scorpion King was a success, and it did well theatrically. Still, Johnson wanted other roles to prove he could carry a dialogue-heavy action film that wasn’t part of an existing franchise. Johnson took The Rundown role to step up his acting game and credits director Peter Berg as his “personal acting coach on set every day.” After watching the film, Ebert gave it 3.5 stars and dropped this doozy of a compliment

  • Ebert – “Early in “The Rundown,” The Rock enters a nightclub to confront some tough guys, and he passes Arnold Schwarzenegger on the way out. ‘Have a good time,’ Arnold says. It’s like he’s passing the torch. Whether The Rock will rival Schwarzenegger’s long run as an action hero is hard to say — but on the basis of “The Rundown,” he has a good chance.”
  • I like this David Shoemaker paragraph from his Grantland days – “For the first time, Johnson feels like a legitimate star, but that’s mostly thanks to director Peter Berg, who understood that Johnson’s true talent was his humor. Rather than portray Johnson as a muscly automaton in some hard-boiled revenge tale, Berg made a grimy comedy and allowed Johnson to have fun. Even the fight scenes (of which there are many) are played for chuckles.”

Johnson went all out (he lost 20 pounds for the role to be more lean), and the positive reviews proved that he could headline a reasonably successful action film. It was a big step in his acting career, and in an interview with The Boston Globe, Johnson said that after acting in The Rundown, he went from “The Rock” to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson – which to him meant that people were starting to take him seriously.

Importance of the Sweaty Role—He carried a critically appreciated action film and proved he could act alongside people like Christopher Walken. It was his first critically adored film and his only Fresh (60% or higher Tomatometer score) film for eight years (2003 – 2011). It’s still his highest-rated “Dwayne Johnson” film (Hobbs and Shaw, he’s a co-lead, and he’s part of an ensemble in Fast Five and the Jumanji films). 

Best Moment(s) – His character does wipe out an entire army, but it’s nice when he looks fallible. There are some good scenes when he has his butt kicked, gets harassed by baboons, and rolls down hills

The Game Plan (2007) The Game Plan was Johnson’s first $100 million grossing film since The Scorpion King (2002), proving he could headline family-friendly comedies. Johnson said he wanted to make a movie that his daughter could watch, but it was mainly a smart pivot after Doom, Be Cool, and Walking Tall didn’t take off. It definitely boosted his box office marketability, and he went on to appear in Get Smart, Tooth Fairy, Race to Witch Mountain, and The Other Guys (which all grossed over $100 million). 

Importance of Sweaty Role – Johnson picked up a new fan base, and the role helped re-spark his career for a short time. 

Best Moments – He cries, dances, sings, sweats, reads, and sings more. You can legitimately feel the desperation and willingness to do anything to make the movie work.

Fast Five (2011) – Fast Five currently has his highest IMDb and Letterboxd scores of any Johnson film, and it legitimately propelled him into the big leagues. On the set of Fast Five, he told his makeup artist to leave him alone and let him be sweaty—this paid off. 

In an interview with Esquire, Johnson said he had a moment of clarity in 2010 when he realized he had to “stop, readjust, reassess, and change everything around me—and I gotta take one more shot.” He needed to take one more shot at superstardom after years of movies like Faster, Race to Witch Mountain, Tooth Fairy, and Planet 51 (Southland Tales didn’t help either), lowered his stock, and halted any growth as an actor. So, he changed up his management, and after years of talking to Vin Diesel about joining the Fast and Furious franchise, he shaved his head, grew an insane goatee, and put on 30 pounds of weight (after years of being encouraged to lose weight) to play Luke Hobbs in Fast Five. The film was a gigantic hit, propelling Johnson into the action stratosphere. It’s worth noting that this is easily his sweatiest film – and probably his best action movie. 

Importance of the Sweaty Role – He got mean again and kicked some ass. 

Best MomentHe loses a fight to Vin Diesel. This won’t happen again. 

Pain & Gain (2013)Pain & Gain features Johnson’s best performance (he’s perfect in it), and it was nice seeing him back in R-rated territory after Faster, Southland Tales, and Doom didn’t click with the mainstream. Johnson accepted a massive pay cut (the main actors all did this for a cut of the backend) because he loved the complexity of the role, and it was a nice departure from his typical type of role. The film didn’t make much money, but it’s a beautifully sweaty (and nasty) piece of Micahel Bay R-rated Bayhem. What’s interesting is that since Pain & Gain, he’s veered away from performances like this and, in 2018, said, “No one’s going to see me play a borderline psychopath suffering from depression.” This is kind of a bummer because he’s given up on edgy performances that push him as an actor and instead dove into more safe comedies and action films. 

Quick NoteDuring a 2024 GQ article he backtracked on his 2018 comments and said “I don’t know who the f**k that guy is.”

Importance of the Sweaty Role – It proved he still had an edge and could push himself in non-blockbusters. Also, as Johnson said, “The biggest departure (for me) was the vulnerability, showing this type of vulnerability and playing a character who is easily influenced and who’s just out of prison and looking for salvation.”

Best MomentsThe neighborhood watch scene is wonderful. He’s terrible at robbing banks, and I’m pretty sure we’ll never see him grill a hand again.

Overall, it’s easily his best R-rated film. 

Skyscraper (2018) Skyscraper didn’t make globs of money or achieve critical praise, BUT it features a different type of Johnson performance. SPOILER – At the end of the film, he’s sitting atop a skyscraper and awaiting his death while he clings to his daughter (he’s also crying, which is rare). At the last second, Neve Campbell saves the day and resets the skyscraper’s fire extinguishers. The movie received a lot of pre-buzz because Johnson’s character lost a leg and had to save the day with a prosthesis. It’s an odd choice (I guess it takes away from his superhuman prowess), but he went on an all-out promotional campaign and seemed to genuinely care about normalizing disabilities. 

Interestingly, this is probably the last time we’ll see this kind of character from Johnson. He tried to play a “normal guy,” and it didn’t work. He followed it up with Hobbs and Shaw (Hobbs becomes a superhero in it), Jumanji: The Next Level (plays a dude named Smolder Bravestone), Jungle Cruise (no spoilers – you’ll see), Red Notice (barf) and Black Adam (wildly powerful). They are miles away from his Skyscraper character and more in line with his over-the-top persona. So, even though Skyscraper wasn’t a hit, his decisions were somewhat altered because of its lack of success. 

Importance of the Sweaty Role – His plan didn’t work, and he slowed his film output. He played a major role in seven films between 2016 and 2018, and has appeared in six films in the last five years. 

Best Moment The finale of the film sees him cradling his daughter while they wait to be burnt alive (he’s also crying). He REALLY wanted to seem fallible. 

Why do I think The Smashing Machine will be a sweaty success?

Here’s a quote from a recent GQ article – “It was also an opportunity for me, I realized, to stretch myself in ways that I hadn’t been stretched yet, and also challenge myself in ways that I hadn’t been challenged.”

Between Red Notice, Black Adam, Jungle Cruise, and the upcoming Red One, Johnson has taken a lot of flak for reportedly being the alleged reason for the swelling budgets and less-than-stellar critical and box office results (there are other reasons, of course…). His Fast X appearance didn’t light the world on fire either. So, when it was announced that he was going to star in the Benny Safdie-directed The Smashing Machine, a film adaptation named after the excellent 2002 documentary about MMA fighter Mark Kerr (watch the doc – it’s awesome) – I knew it was Johnson pulling a hard reset on his VFX heavy blockbuster run. When I saw the sweaty first image, it became obvious that Johnson was up to his old tricks he’s used throughout his career (hard resets and sweaty pivots). What’s funny is that Safdie and Johnson had talked about making the film since 2019, when Johnson bought the rights to Kerr’s story. Johnson admittedly ghosted Safdie for several years (“Benny thought I ghosted him, and maybe I was just a f***in’ asshole”), but after years of not-so-great movies and a chat with Emily Blunt, Johnson called Safdie back, and now they’ve made the movie. Johnson says he hasn’t quit “four-quadrant blockbusters,” but he needed a career reset to explore films with more humanity. It’s a smart move – and it all points back to sweaty performances. 

The Numbers

Here’s a quick timeline from 2001’s The Mummy Returns to 2025’s The Smashing Machine

  • Category 11 – Red – The distribution makes me happy
  • Category 9 – 10 – Purple – on average, it’s the most lucrative category
  • Category 5 – 8 – Green – Hasn’t made a category 5-8 movie since 2017’s The Fate of the Furious
  • Category 0 – 4 – Orange – 6 of his last 10 movies fall in this category. 

What’s really interesting is that his incredibly sweaty films have a slightly higher critical/user average than his less-sweaty movies. The differences aren’t anything big, but they prove that a little extra sweat helps.  

11 – Wild Amounts of Sweat

  • Tomatometer Average – 55.2
  • Letterboxd Average – 2.9
  • IMDb Average – 6.5
  • Box Office Average  – $249 million
  • Movies – The Rundown, The Game Plan, Fast Five, Pain & Gain, Skyscraper
  • Fast Five has the highest IMDb score (7.3) and Letterboxd score (3.4)
  • The Game Plan was his first non-action film to clear $100 million worldwide
  • The Rundown was his first film with a Fresh Tomatometer Score

The biggest drawback to sweat-heavy movies is that they aren’t huge earners. However, when done right, they lead to bigger box office results. This is why Johnson is taking the role in the A24-produced The Smashing Machine

9-10 – Sweat City

  • Tomatometer Average – 54%
  • Letterboxd Average – 2.58
  • IMDb Average – 6.2
  • Box Office Average – $613 million
  • Movies – Furious 7, Doom, Fast and Furious Presents: Hobbs and Shaw, Rampage,
  • Furious 7 is his highest-grossing film and most critically lauded
  • Hobbs and Shaw is his highest-grossing film, with only one co-lead (Statham)
  • Rampage is the fourth highest-grossing video game adaptation

Aside from Doom, these movies make money. 

5-8 – Gonna Need a New Shirt

  • Tomatometer Average – 40.9%
  • Letterboxd Average – 2.48
  • IMDb Average – 6
  • Box Office Average – $268 million
  • Movies – Hercules, Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, Walking Tall, The Scorpion King, Tooth Fairy, GI Joe Retaliation, The Fate of the Furious, The Gridiron Gang, Race to Witch Mountain, Faster
  • Note – None of these films feature an overly excessive amount of sweat. 
  • Only one of these films scores 60% or more on Rotten Tomatoes.

He hasn’t made a 5-8 category movie since 2017’s The Fate of the Furious

0 – 4 – Zero to Light Sweaters

  • Tomatometer Average – 53.2
  • Letterboxd Average – 2.72
  • IMDb Average – 6.28
  • Box Office Average – $356 million
  • Movies – Southland Tales, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Jumanji: The Next Level, Jungle Cruise, San Andreas, The Mummy Returns, Baywatch, Fast & Furious 6, Snitch, Get Smart, Central Intelligence, Be Cool, The Other Guys, Empire State, Black Adam, Red Notice
  • Red Notice, Black Adam, and Red One fall in this category, and they have a 38% Tomatometer average. Not great. 
  • Notes – Race to Witch Mountain and San Andreas feature sweaty shirts but very little sweat. 
  • Jumanji 2 & 3 and Central Intelligence are all wildly popular and prove the Hart/Johnson connection is strong. 

In conclusionThe Smashing Machine is a smart reset for Johnson.