MY CALL: Yeah, this started out entertaining enough. But by the end, I was suffering like the movie’s unwilling victims. I simply did not care for this. It’s not original or clever, despite being capably made its execution doesn’t bring any new style to familiar ideas, and it’s not as gory or shocking as the trailer suggested (in case that would be a saving grace for some). Sorry, but this is a nope for me. MORE MOVIES LIKE Choose or Die: For more movies, Truth or Dare (2018), Would You Rather (2012) or Red Room (1999). For more bewitching computer and board games, consider Stay Alive (2006), Brainscan (1994), Arcade (1993), Lawnmower Man (1992), Open Graves (2009), Beyond the Gates (2016) or The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond (2009).
As if operating in a much older version of The Matrix, we are introduced to an 80s computer game with a full awareness of its player’s surroundings… as well as full control over reality. The game prompts decisions: this or that? To which the player responds and the results (or consequences) are realized against the will of all affected. Such is the revelation when a man finds his terrified wife holding a bloody kitchen knife in one hand and their son’s tongue in the other. Meanwhile they’re bloody-mouthed son looks as baffled and traumatized as everyone else. This game feels like Jigsaw possessed a computer game, and it plays out like a (sometimes) better version of Truth or Dare (2018) as players or innocents are possessed by the will of the game.
Isaac (Asa Butterfield; Sex Education, Ender’s Game, The Wolfman, Slaughterhouse Rulez) and Kayla (Iola Evans; The 100, Carnival Row) are game designers who stumble across this old computer game narrated by Robert Englund (Robert Englund; A Nightmare on Elm Street). I was soooo hoping Englund would have a physical role in this movie, but alas no.
The game is a soulless, dark force that will readily force you to decide what brutal physical torturesome horror will befall an innocent bystander at your hands—only it will describe your choice as something more innocuous. Should you abandon the game, a Resident Evil (2002) Red Queen-like creepy kid avatar admonishes the consequences: choose or die. So our player chooses… and watches… as a diner waitress, who is disturbingly well aware of what’s happening despite her inability to prevent her possession, chews and swallows piece after gut-wrenching piece broken glass.
The game continues to challenge Isaac and Kayla, warping reality by manifesting doors and dreamscapes to challenge their grasp on reality. Unfortunately, this movie has played all its tricks in the first hand, and becomes old and played out halfway through the movie. As we learn the origins of the game, my patience is wearing thin with this ever-less entertaining story. Basic and contrived, this movie’s finale thinks it’s clever. But I don’t. And some viewers may agree that it’s clever—I’m not saying those viewers are wrong; I just felt the opposite. I think it’s annoyingly basic, especially in execution. Sure, there’s some entertainment value in this final showdown of the game. I’ve just seen too much to care. I’m sure I sound bitter and jaded, but really, it’s just this movie.
I started out enjoying this for 30-40 minutes, then felt less and less impressed with every scene to the point of aggravation. Maybe viewers who have seen less will be less bothered. You might find their reviews… because I’m definitely not recommending this. My most constructive criticism would be this is likely a more intense selection for those who enjoyed the Netflix Fear Street trilogy.
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Moonfall (2022) – Review: A Silly and Endearing Experience
Quick Thoughts – Grade – On the Roland Emmerich scale I give it a B – Moonfall is an absolute delight. Forget all the “biggest financial flop ever” articles and just embrace the absolutely bonkers film that features Patrick Wilson, Halle Berry and John Bradley saving the world from the moon.
Here is some advice and information I want to share with you.
- Roland Emmerich is the director and his last two films are Midway and Independence Day: Resurgence
- Just enjoy it. It knows it’s silly.
- It was filmed during the pandemic, which means most of it was shot in studios. It has a wild amount of CGI and it’s very noticeable.
- A movie with such an insane plot has to be admired.
Moonfall is a movie that is really easy to scoff at, but if you’re able to get on its wavelength there’s a lot to enjoy. The movie focuses on what happens when the moon starts breaking apart and sending large chunks of debris hurtling towards earth. The only person who can save the world is Brian Harper (Patrick Wilson), a disgraced former astronaut who got fired from NASA after he claimed a weird form of space goo attacked and killed his friend while they were working on a space shuttle. Since being fired, he’s spent his time drinking (He’s still in great shape though – like Jason Statham in The Meg), working on his muscle car, and being surly to everyone around him. He’s called back into action by his former coworker and friend Jacinda Fowler (Halle Berry), who was with him during the space attack years prior and didn’t fully back him up during the following investigation. Fowler needs him because he can fly old school spaceships that don’t require all the electronic bells-and-whistles. His expertise is important because there’s something on the moon that is wiping out all the probes and ships that have come near it, and he’s needed to pilot a ship that can get close enough to unleash a wicked EMP.
Brian and Jacinda are joined by KC Houseman (John Bradley = pure gold), a likable maniac who thinks that the moon is actually a megastructure that is home to things more dangerous than space chunks (or the evil rocks from Apollo 18). He’s the one who initially brings the alarming news to Brian, and his presence provides some much needed comic relief. Together, the three of them are forced to avoid gravity waves, space chunks, and angry AI during their dangerous journey, which feels like every Emmerich film smashed into one movie (I’m not complaining). Moonfall is the type of film where sending an old school spaceship into space during an asteroid shower isn’t enough. The spaceship also has to contend with “big ass gravity waves,” earthquakes, and technical issues that make everything that much harder.
What makes Moonfall so much fun is that it knows it’s silly. The plot is absolutely bonkers (I won’t spoil it), and nobody in the cast thought they were making an Oscar-worthy film. Instead, the cast is committed to the shenanigans and there is something refreshing about watching Berry, Wilson and Bradley headlining a $140 million budgeted film. I have no clue who thought this would be a success, but I applaud the filmmakers for making me smile. Toss in Michael Pena, Donald Sutherland (his son was a producer), and a group of pointless thieves, and you have an extremely entertaining experience. Props need to go to composer-turned-writer Harald Kloser (Midway, 2012, 10,000 B.C. White House Down) and Spenser Cohen (Extinction, Expendables 4) for dreaming up a script that piles up a Jenga-esque tower of insanity that never falls over. Their script relies on every cliché on the planet (disgraced person, self sacrifice, angry kid) but it still feels like a breath of fresh air.
Final Thoughts – Watch it. Enjoy it.
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MY CALL: This film explores its characters more than most viewers likely expected, and perhaps even to its detriment in terms of reviews from those who expected a faster pace. The horror takes a back seat to long, patient character development and lingering, curious atmosphere before unleashing its cold, lacerating brutality. All told, I loved this. But one must be prepared for a more thoughtful film. MORE MOVIES LIKE X: For more geriatric horror, try Bubba Ho-tep (2002), The Skeleton Key (2005), The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014), Late Phases (2014), The Visit (2015), Anything for Jackson (2020) and Relic (2020).
Set in 1979, a group of adult filmmakers rent a guest cabin in rural Texas to make the film that will bring them fame. Wayne (Martin Henderson; The Ring), RJ (Owen Campbell; Super Dark Times), Maxine (Mia Goth; Suspiria, A Cure for Wellness), Bobby-Lynne (Brittany Snow; Prom Night) and Jackson (Kid Cudi; Creepshow) form a mostly tight knit group with clear separations between love and sex; whereas Lorraine (Jenna Ortega; Scream, Studio 666, Insidious: Chapter 2) is an outsider who doesn’t readily understand their profession or lifestyle.
The rural Texas, God-fearing, 70s vibes are strong. Wayne’s initial approach to the elders’ house smacked hard, and likely in homage, of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974, 2003) down to particular camera angles. Wayne’s crew is readily met with suspicion and outspoken moral disapproval by the elderly owners (Stephen Ure; Deathgasm) of the property, who are physically and mentally limited, one of which requiring full-time care and behaving suspiciously like she could be in a horror movie.
Director and writer Ti West (The Innkeepers, House of the Devil, The Sacrament) harbingers the massacre to come with a juicy Texas steer roadkill with its chunky entrails dumped on the road. But viewers should be patient, as there is much more to this movie than blood and guts. This film explores its characters more than most viewers likely expected, and perhaps even to its detriment in terms of reviews from those who expected a faster pace.
For an hour, this is purely a drama with not a hint of horror—and I love it. Our characters have dreams and desires, seek love and happiness as much as their own version of the American dream, and contrary to standard horror tropism of the genre, they seem in no way morally depraved or deserving of punishment by some killer or evil force. West has a lot to say in this film, and seems to be exploring the dynamic of adult filmmakers and actors every bit as much as those who would think ill of them.
But once the horror ensues, the blood spews in violent gouts and the stabbery is brutally cold. The gore is on point, and some wild things transpire. Some of it we see coming, but that’s part of the fun when it still manages to be shocking. Much of the violence is like that; strikingly abrupt, very effective. Really, this is more of a delayed burn than a slow burn.
I love where West takes this film; from beginning to end. This isn’t an epic horror movie, as it is only a horror movie in part. And yes, that horror “part” is intense and wild and gory. But more than half of this story explores characters in the absence of horror, during which Snow packs more stylish attitude than can fit in her revealing romper. This may end up being one of the more interesting films of the year for this reviewer. Kudos, Mr. West.
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John’s Horror Corner: The Brain (1988), a deliciously bad monster movie about the dangers of television.
MY CALL: Check your brain at the door and enjoy this dumb, cheesy classic. It’s nothing special, but it’s worth a few laughs. Just a fun, campy ride with a big silly monster. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Brain: Other really bad monster movies of similar vein include The Killer Eye (1999) and Brain Damage (1988). For more themes of televised manipulation, try Videodrome (1983).
You know? The world needs more horror movies that show us the monster in the first minute—in all its slimy, rubber monstery goodness. Right out of the gates, this movie reveals how ambitious it is for its budget. The scene in Becky’s (Susannah Hoffmann) room has rubber monster claws and rubber tentacles flailing about bursting through holes in her bedroom walls as the walls clumsily close in on her like an Indiana Jones booby trap. Tentacles and floating brains with strangling spinal cords abound in this wonky low budget horror, and I wouldn’t have it any differently. Director Ed Hunt (Bloody Birthday) crafted something of celebratory hokey status.
A troublemaker at risk of expulsion from his high school, Jim (Tom Bresnahan; Mirror, Mirror) is forced to see Dr. Blake (David Gale; Re-Animator, Bride of Re-Animator, The Guyver), a TV psychology guru who specializes in troubled teens.
Employees at Blake’s mental health facility casually stroll into the “mad scientist lab” where the giant brain monster resides, hooked up to electrodes. The cerebral creature is used to control and alter the thoughts of Blake’s patients. After eating someone, the brain metamorphoses and grows a demonic face with a toothy maw, a prehensile tongue and a taste for teenagers.
After being exposed to the monster’s brain waves, Jim starts hallucinating tentacles that aren’t there and blood where blood shouldn’t be. Realizing that Blake’s “Independent Thoughts” program is brainwashing everyone they know through the TV, Jim and his girlfriend Janet (Cynthia Preston; Pin, Prom Night III, Carrie) can’t trust anyone but each other.
Smalltown teenagers against the odds trying to save themselves, their town and maybe the world, as a hero Jim never seemed to capture the scale and urgency in this movie that we’d expect (e.g., The Blob, The Stuff). The ending is uber-cheesy, pretty dumb and unsatisfying. Don’t think I care, though. It’s worth a few laughs, for sure. The movie was a fun, campy ride.
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast – Episode 421: The Lost World: Jurassic Park, Jet Skis, and Tall Grass
You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
Mark and Nick Rehak (@TheRehak on Twitter) discuss the 1997 blockbuster sequel The Lost World: Jurassic Park. Directed by Steven Spielberg, and starring Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore, Vince Vaughn and a rampaging T-Rex, the movie focuses on what happens when naïve mercenaries attempt to capture dinosaurs (they get eaten). In this episode, they talk about gymnastics, tall grass, and nice people being ripped in half. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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John’s Horror Corner: The Seed (2021), a goopy, gory, sexualized, sci-horror comedy that shifts from quirky to just plain gross.
MY CALL: This movie is a weird little thing. Constantly quirky, never actually scary (nor trying to be), bizarre and deliberately gross. The story is basic, yet never went where I expected. While not particularly creative, I was pleased with this little oddity. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Seed: Although much more sexualized and raunchy, Society (1989) and BioSlime (2010) come to mind.
Deidre (Lucy Martin; Vikings) is a saucy and shallow social media influencer; Charlotte (Chelsea Edge; Suspicion) is the complete opposite, geeky, quiet, averse to attention and off social media; and Heather (Sophie Vavasseur; Exorcismus, Resident Evil: Apocalypse), the spiritual one, is ready for a vacation. These three ladies head to Heather’s luxury family villa in the desert to witness a once-in-a-lifetime meteor shower for a girls’ getaway. The villa is extravagant, and extremely remote—it actually reminds me of the setting in Revenge (2017), which is likewise sharply shot with gorgeous views and rich colors. There is some strikingly sharp cinematography in this film.
For all its visual splendor, the lower budget becomes more readily apparent when a stinky object plummets into the pool after the meteor shower. The creature looks like a cross between an oil spill turtle and a bear cub with its hair all burnt off… it’s kind of gross, but also marginally cute. The humor is light and there is a fun energy to this movie as the girls try to rid themselves of the creature.
But of course, somehow they do not rid themselves of the critter and yet weirder things begin to happen. The girls begin acting very strangely. Some recurring slimy, goopy, sexualized imagery reminded me of Society (1989) and BioSlime (2010), though less perverse. We witness the oddest scene involving eggs I’ve seen since Ghostbusters (1984), pretty good chunky head gore, sudden alien impregnation, mutation body horror and a nasty gory birth scene.
This movie is a weird little thing. Constantly quirky, never actually scary (nor is it trying to be), forever weird and deliberately gross at every opportunity. The story is basic. But it never went where I expected, and I was always entertained even if never wowed. While no great “film” nor particularly creative contribution to the genre, I was generally impressed with the quality of this little oddity. I love weirdo movies like this, especially when they’re well executed. Director and writer Sam Walker did well with his first feature film. In the future I’d like to see Walker helping realize the horrors of a more substantial script backed by a little more money.
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You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
Mark and Zanandi (@ZaNandi on Twitter) discuss all things Nicolas Cage and break down how far Cage traveled while dressed as a bear in The Wicker Man remake. In this episode, they also talk about their love for Willy’s Wonderland, and share their five favorite Cage performances. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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Ambulance (2022) Review: Bayhem at its Finest
Quick Thoughts – Grade – B+ – The Michael Bay directed Ambulance is an absolute blast. If you’re looking for a fun action thriller that stretches its $40 million budget, go watch this remake on the biggest screen possible.
I recently rewatched all 14 Michael Bay movies and counted every explosion featured in them for a Rotten Tomatoes data editorial. I had a blast rewatching every film and it reminded me of why Michael Bay has been a household name for over 27 years. His films are hyper-kinetic, loaded with action, and feature so many camera angles you almost feel bad for the camera crew. The Bay rewatch made me appreciate Ambulance more because it reminded me of how he can make a $40 million dollar movie look like a $100 million dollar blockbuster. Also, after the extremely cold and cynical 6 Underground (which I enjoy because it’s so insane) Ambulance brings back a welcome dose of heart that made movies like Armageddon and 13 Hours so good. I legitimately cared for the people in the ambulance, and as the movie came to its conclusion I felt my emotions swelling (Jason Momoa felt the same way too). What’s wild about Ambulance is that it’s one of two Fresh films that Bay has on Rotten Tomatoes. Only The Rock and Ambulance have scores above 60%, and they both have under 10 explosions, which based on my data means critics and audiences are more likely to like them. The only problem is his less-explosion-y movies typically make less money, and after a disappointing opening weekend that saw it only pulling in $8.6 million, I hope word-of-mouth helps save it from being lost in movie oblivion.
The movie focuses on what happens when a bank robbery goes awry and leads to a 90-minute car chase that involves explosions, high-speed collisions, and a decent amount of body horror. The two bank robbers are brothers Danny (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Will Sharp (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II), who grew up under a mythically violent father who was known for his bank robberies and trail of dead bodies he left behind. Prior to the robbery, Will left for the military and came back to no job, a sick wife, and over $100,000 needed for an experimental surgery for his wife that insurance won’t cover. He’s coaxed back into a major bank robbery by the cashmere wearing Danny, who has continued the family trade of stealing money from people. Since it’s a movie, and the robbery can’t go smoothly, the well-planned out heist goes awry when a young police officer named Zach (Jackson White) enters the bank in an attempt to get the phone number of a bank teller he has a crush on. This leads to him being shot and placed inside an ambulance staffed by Scott (Colin Woodell) and Cam Thompson (Eiza González). The ambulance is taken over by Will and Danny, and this leads to a wild chase between the robbers, and a gigantic police force led by Captain Monroe (Garret Dillahunt) and Agent Anson Clark (Keir O’Donnell). What’s wild is that in addition to all the car crashes, bullets and explosions, we’re also treated to a whole lot of bloody surgery as Cam fights to keep Officer Zach alive inside the fast movie vehicle.
The performances by González, Abdul-Mateen II and Gyllenhaal (or villain-haal) are top-notch as they turn up their energy (it’s a Michael Bay film. Many people yell) and seem to enjoy being filmed at every conceivable angle. When I heard that Gyllenhaal was going to be in a Michael Bay film it made perfect sense as his occasional manic energy fits well inside the stressful world of Bay. The three make for a solid trio of competent humans who are stuck in a horrible ordeal that will see some of them dead before the closing credits. Their highlights include singing an off-tone rendition of the Christopher Cross song Sailing, and a moment when Cam has to use her hair clip to clamp a major artery during a surgery aided by facetiming doctors who are taking a break from their golf game to help her. Also, seeing Gyllenhaal lose his mind when his cashmere sweater is blasted by a fire extinguisher is pure gold.
The technical aspects are also excellent (aside from WAY too many drone shots) as cinematographer Roberto De Angelis (steadicam operator on Avatar, 13 Hours, Baby Driver, 6 Underground) finds ways to make life stuck inside an ambulance seem frantic, and stunt coordinator Mike Gunther does a beautiful job of destroying what feels like hundreds of vehicles in spectacular fashion. All in all, this might be one of the best looking $40 million budgeted films I’ve ever seen because the budget never feels stretched and there is so much action that looks expensive.
Final thoughts – Go watch Ambulance on a giant screen. It’s wonderful.
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast – Episode 420: Color Out of Space, Nicolas Cage, and Cosmic Horror
You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
Mark and John Leavengood (@MFFHorrorCorner on Twitter) discuss the 2019 cosmic horror film Color Out of Space. Directed by Richard Stanley, and starring Nicolas Cage, Joely Richardson, Madeleine Arthur, and a destructive meteorite, the movie focuses on what happens when Richard Stanley gets his hands on a Lovecraft short story (it’s a wonderful movie). In this episode, they discuss bourbon, farming, and the wonderful hot dog David Cross (of the Award Wieners Movie Review Podcast) cooked up for the episode. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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Uncharted (2022) Review – An Amiable Treasure Hunt Movie Featuring a Fun Performance From Mark Wahlberg
Quick Thoughts: Grade C+ – Uncharted is a wildly safe adventure film that is saved by a motor-mouthed Mark Wahlberg and a breakneck pace that gives the film constant momentum. It’s overly glossy and loaded with CGI-reliant action scenes (partially due to the pandemic), but the likable cast and amiable spirit make it worth watching.
I love treasure hunt movies. If I was stuck on a desert island with only National Treasure, Sahara, Tomb Raider, Fool’s Gold, The Mummy, or any Indiana Jones film I’d be totally fine. There’s something about adventurous characters traversing the world in an attempt to find treasures that I love. The movies provide a welcome and comforting dose of treasure maps, shady characters, double-crosses, wild action set pieces, and the thrill of discovery. While I can’t say that many of them are examples of expertly crafted cinema, I can say that I love the heck out of them, and I hope they never stop making them because I’ll keep watching them for as long as they are being produced. I’m such an easy mark that I was sold on an Uncharted sequel during the opening moments of the movie that feature a cargo plane action scene involving pallets of military supplies dangling from an open cargo bay that is thousands of feet in the air (also, some henchmen meet horrifying ends while Holland cracks jokes).
Based on the popular video game Uncharted, which has sold over 41 million copies since 2007, and has spawned into a vast universe of sequels and prequels, Uncharted (the movie) focuses on the exploits of Nathan Drake (Tom Holland), an orphan who becomes a petty thief and one of those bartenders who loves the Tom Cruise movie Cocktail. During one fateful night, he’s recruited by fortune hunter Victor Sullivan (Mark Wahlberg who was originally supposed to play Drake in 2010), and he’s tasked with helping Sullivan and his frenemy Chloe Frazier (Sophia Ali) steal a cross that holds a clue for billions of dollars of treasure. This puts them in the crosshairs of billionaire treasure hunter Santiago Moncada (Antonio Banderas) and his bodyguard Jo Braddock (Sophia Ali), who may have something to do with the demise of Nathan’s brother Sam Drake (Rudy Pankow). What follows is a globetrotting adventure that takes them to the Philippines, Spain, and New York City. The non-spoiler highlights include Holland hanging from light fixtures, flying boats, and Wahlberg unleashing a plethora of insults aimed at Holland, whom Wahlberg considered to be a little brother on set.
Director Ruben Fleichser excels at creating intriguing friendships in movies like Zombieland and Venom, and here he does a mostly solid job of crafting a treasure hunt movie that flies by and allows Wahlberg and Holland to banter. What’s interesting is that Holland doesn’t seem totally comfortable riffing with Wahlberg andI noticed something off about Holland’s performance. While I was doing some research I came across a GQ interview where Holland mentions he tried too hard to look cool in the movie, and it kind of shows. There are moments in which he’s all puffed up and doesn’t seem comfortable in his skin. It’s nice to know he learned from the experience and hopefully a future Uncharted film allows him to relax a bit and enjoy the treasure hunt.
Final thoughts – Uncharted is a fun watch if you’re looking for an undemanding treasure hunt movie that is loaded with likable actors.
Movies, Films & Flix 