John’s Horror Corner: The Cellar (2022), an uneventful, unengaging movie about a monster in the basement… sort of… but not really.
MY CALL: This movie borrows the most interesting elements of Thirteen Ghosts (2001) and Poltergeist (1982) and squanders it all in this slow-paced, generally uninteresting, scareless and pointless film. Still, it’s sort of well made despite that. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Cellar: Perhaps Darkness (2002) and The Messengers (2007). But if you want a much better movie about a basement monster, go for the cheesetastic Cellar Dweller (1988).
Starting their new life, Keira (Elisha Cuthbert; House of Wax, Captivity) and Brian (Eoin Macken; Till Death, Resident Evil: The Final Chapter, The Forest, The Hole in the Ground) move into a grand manor in need of some care. Less excited about the change is their teen daughter Ellie (Abby Fitz), who has a rattling scare when she is accidently locked in the basement for a few minutes.
This film opens with a well-made, very early 2000s vibe. I’m reminded of movies like Darkness (2002) and The Messengers (2007)—but it’s probably just the family with a teenage girl and a younger child moving into a secluded, old manor with creepy connections that’s conjuring this oddly specific feeling. Still, it seems that director and writer Brendan Muldowney (Pilgrimage) is leading us into familiar territory.
During their very first night in the house, Ellie is left at home alone to watch her younger brother when a power outage prompts her to brave the basement to check the fuses. When Keira and Brian get home, Ellie is nowhere to be found! Since the police prove to be no help in the disappearance of Ellie, Keira starts to dig on her own and discovers alchemical words, symbols and equations etched throughout the house.
By the halfway point I’m not uninterested, but this movie proceeds at a slow pace, and not in the high intrigue slowburn way. After the first couple creepy basement scenes, the creepiness has lost its magic and, frankly, I’m just waiting for something to finally happen yet the next time someone is locked in the basement. But, oh joy, it gets bad and I become yet less interested.
We meet an elderly woman with information regarding the house’s dark history, some internet searches lead to the demon Baphomet, the movie tries and fails to make “counting out loud” dreadful, we have a glimpse into some horrible underworld, the demon prince Baphomet is thwarted by whacking his claws with a flashlight… and I just don’t care about any of it.
So if you want scares… none really. Gore? Also zero. Creature effects? Well, the demon prince Baphomet looks like a passably low budget werewolf costume; so also no. Sorry, but this movie offers little more than a reminder that Elisha Cuthbert still picks up a movie every now and then. And for what it’s worth, Cuthbert wasn’t bad. But the movie was.
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MY CALL: This Japanese B-movie is just passable until the utter madness of the final act, which makes the journey more worthwhile. I enjoyed this oddity which seemed to shift subgenres from a haunted house, to a haphazard slasher, and finally to supernatural evil monster baby shenanigans. MORE MOVIES LIKE Evil Dead Trap: For another Asian horror movie ending in utter gory madness, go for Seeding of a Ghost (1983).
When a late-night TV reporter receives a mysterious package with a snuff tape, she watches a horrific torture-murder transpire. Wanting to air the story on the news, Nami (Miyuki Ono; Black Rain) assembles a crew—Kondo (Masahiko Abe), Rei (Hitomi Kobayashi), Masako (Aya Katsuragi) and Rie (Eriko Nakagawa)—to visit the location on the tape to investigate whether or not it was real or a fake. But what’s most interesting about the tape is that it ends with an image of Nami!
Within the very first minutes, this film is pulling no punches and making every effort to shock and titillate our horrific senses. We see a blade penetrate flesh and slowly lacerate parting tissue as a bound victim thrashes in her bonds. Even more off-putting is the blade slowly piercing an eyeball, which spews its gelatinous contents. At this point, I thought we were in for something akin to Red Room (1999), 8mm (1999) or The Poughkeepsie Tapes (2007). But it doesn’t maintain the meanness at such a level. At least, not until the very end scenes.
Upon arrival to the snuff tape site, a chaotically fast, shaky-cam POV of some thing or some force closes in on the abandoned factory. Like… in Evil Dead (1981)? Well as it turns out, that’s probably the only Evil Dead-ish thing to be found along with the misleading title.
Most of the scare gags are pretty basic. Gross-out bugs and maggots, a ‘surprise’ snake, a friend jumping out for a practical joke scare… but they merely warm us up for the revelations of mangled corpses, severed heads, and some sort of impaling floorboard booby trap (which was pretty cool btw) which sort of appeared very much like the “factory” attacking her. There are some brutal death traps, though nothing I’d call an “evil dead” trap.
The crew encounters a chained-up guy in a ball-gag at the mercy of a strange masked figure, a dapper fellow curiously wearing a business suit, and a murderous hobo who engages in sexual battery. Any one of them (or all of them) could be the behind the killing. Punctuating the unfolding of this mystery, director Toshiharu Ikeda (who has a strong background in erotic movies and cast adult film stars in this movie) goes with what he knows best and injects more nudity than feels appropriate. But don’t let that deter you. Despite these scenes, the movie stands well on its own as a quality zany B-movie.
I must say that over the course of the first 75 minutes of this movie I was mildly entertained, but never impressed. But during the final act, some things transpire that are gloriously gross including something of a combination birth-transformation scene. Yes, from a man’s chest bursts an organ slug that metamorphoses into a guts-covered demon baby with pyrokinetic/telekinetic powers that uses its projectile umbilical cord to strangle its victim! There’s even something of a horrific birth scene. Where was this for the first half of the movie?
The last 20 minutes were awesomely gory, zany, bonkers, gross-out fun. Wow. Shame the majority of the film was ‘just okay’ to ‘maybe’ good. But in those last 20 minutes this mutates into something disgusting, exploitative and utterly ridiculous. To be clear, I liked it. Sure, it starts slow. But it reaches full-tilt bonkers by the end and left me with a fond gruesome memory.
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John’s Horror Corner: Adam Chaplin (2011), an ultra-violent Italian action-horror in the insane spirit of Riki-Oh!
MY CALL: This wacky movie features exciting visuals sure to please the gorehounds out there, but I just don’t feel the slog between the action is worth it for some of you unless you’re thrilled by exploitative lunacy. This is LOADED with ridonkulous, extreme gory action. MORE MOVIES LIKE Adam Chaplin: For a solid double-feature, you can’t go wrong with Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki (1991). Taeter City (2012) and Little Necro Red (2019) are similarly ultra gory Italian horror-action films, Tokyo Shock productions from Asia, and for their German counterparts we have Olaf Ittenbach’s No Reason (2010) or The Burning Moon (1992), which are less about action and more about horror and grotesque torture.
After the torture and murder of his wife at the hands of a mutant Italian crime boss, Adam (Emanuele De Santi) sets out for revenge with something of a bath salt fever dream demon Muppet on his back whispering evils into his ear. Having made a deal with the forces of evil, Adam is nearly invincible and of Godly strength.
Think of some extremely violent, very bloody, high action R-rated Anime… and then make it live action. You’d probably think of Tokyo Gore Police (2008) or Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl (2009) or any of many Tokyo Shock productions. Now make it with an Italian guy (Director and writer Emanuele De Santi; Judy)… and you have Adam Chaplin.
This is a film that truly celebrates its gore in the spirit of Riki-Oh (1991). The imagery is absolutely grisly as faces collapse into punched-in skulls. I could just as readily describe this movie as the intersection of the utter madness of The Toxic Avenger (1984) and the dire vengeance The Crow (1994). Limbs are ripped off and blood geysers from their sockets, lower jaws are torn from skulls, heads are impaled with cleavers, a victim is split in two down the middle, and another gets “shafted” up his, well, rear shaft.
Not just in its violence, but this is even cruel on a casual level. A mutilated giant of man lectures a bound woman of her offenses before lighting her on fire, quite graphically I might add. Great care is given to showcasing her charred remains.
The film’s great downfall is that it takes itself and its script waaay too seriously. When it basks in its own violent absurdity, it thrives. When it focuses its lens on the investigation and motives of Adam, I flounder in insufferable boredom. And the boredom is not brief, but in long bounds.
So despite some exciting visuals sure to please the gorehounds out there, I just don’t feel this slog is worth it for some of you of aren’t thrilled by exploitative lunacy. Sure, the finale is LOADED with ridonkulous gory action. And I get a good guilty snicker out of it here and there as this guy’s head is fractioned by a punch, another is shot in half, and another suffers horrendous limb breaks or severances. Like so many other scenes in this movie, the final fight is absolutely an anime boss fight.
I think if this movie is for you, you ought to know it. Extreme gore is this film’s game.
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast – Episode 422: Just Friends, Anna Faris, and Cookie Eating
You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
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Mark and Erik Hofmeyer discuss the 2005 cult classic Just Friends. Directed by Roger Kumble, and starring Ryan Reynolds, Amy Smart, Anna Faris and Julie Hagerty, the movie focuses on what happens when a famous pop star is kidnapped (many other things happen too). In this episode, they talk about Chris Klein, high school reunions, and physical comedy. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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MY CALL: Yeah, this started out entertaining enough. But by the end, I was suffering like the movie’s unwilling victims. I simply did not care for this. It’s not original or clever, despite being capably made its execution doesn’t bring any new style to familiar ideas, and it’s not as gory or shocking as the trailer suggested (in case that would be a saving grace for some). Sorry, but this is a nope for me. MORE MOVIES LIKE Choose or Die: For more movies, Truth or Dare (2018), Would You Rather (2012) or Red Room (1999). For more bewitching computer and board games, consider Stay Alive (2006), Brainscan (1994), Arcade (1993), Lawnmower Man (1992), Open Graves (2009), Beyond the Gates (2016) or The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond (2009).
As if operating in a much older version of The Matrix, we are introduced to an 80s computer game with a full awareness of its player’s surroundings… as well as full control over reality. The game prompts decisions: this or that? To which the player responds and the results (or consequences) are realized against the will of all affected. Such is the revelation when a man finds his terrified wife holding a bloody kitchen knife in one hand and their son’s tongue in the other. Meanwhile they’re bloody-mouthed son looks as baffled and traumatized as everyone else. This game feels like Jigsaw possessed a computer game, and it plays out like a (sometimes) better version of Truth or Dare (2018) as players or innocents are possessed by the will of the game.
Isaac (Asa Butterfield; Sex Education, Ender’s Game, The Wolfman, Slaughterhouse Rulez) and Kayla (Iola Evans; The 100, Carnival Row) are game designers who stumble across this old computer game narrated by Robert Englund (Robert Englund; A Nightmare on Elm Street). I was soooo hoping Englund would have a physical role in this movie, but alas no.
The game is a soulless, dark force that will readily force you to decide what brutal physical torturesome horror will befall an innocent bystander at your hands—only it will describe your choice as something more innocuous. Should you abandon the game, a Resident Evil (2002) Red Queen-like creepy kid avatar admonishes the consequences: choose or die. So our player chooses… and watches… as a diner waitress, who is disturbingly well aware of what’s happening despite her inability to prevent her possession, chews and swallows piece after gut-wrenching piece broken glass.
The game continues to challenge Isaac and Kayla, warping reality by manifesting doors and dreamscapes to challenge their grasp on reality. Unfortunately, this movie has played all its tricks in the first hand, and becomes old and played out halfway through the movie. As we learn the origins of the game, my patience is wearing thin with this ever-less entertaining story. Basic and contrived, this movie’s finale thinks it’s clever. But I don’t. And some viewers may agree that it’s clever—I’m not saying those viewers are wrong; I just felt the opposite. I think it’s annoyingly basic, especially in execution. Sure, there’s some entertainment value in this final showdown of the game. I’ve just seen too much to care. I’m sure I sound bitter and jaded, but really, it’s just this movie.
I started out enjoying this for 30-40 minutes, then felt less and less impressed with every scene to the point of aggravation. Maybe viewers who have seen less will be less bothered. You might find their reviews… because I’m definitely not recommending this. My most constructive criticism would be this is likely a more intense selection for those who enjoyed the Netflix Fear Street trilogy.
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Moonfall (2022) – Review: A Silly and Endearing Experience
Quick Thoughts – Grade – On the Roland Emmerich scale I give it a B – Moonfall is an absolute delight. Forget all the “biggest financial flop ever” articles and just embrace the absolutely bonkers film that features Patrick Wilson, Halle Berry and John Bradley saving the world from the moon.
Here is some advice and information I want to share with you.
- Roland Emmerich is the director and his last two films are Midway and Independence Day: Resurgence
- Just enjoy it. It knows it’s silly.
- It was filmed during the pandemic, which means most of it was shot in studios. It has a wild amount of CGI and it’s very noticeable.
- A movie with such an insane plot has to be admired.
Moonfall is a movie that is really easy to scoff at, but if you’re able to get on its wavelength there’s a lot to enjoy. The movie focuses on what happens when the moon starts breaking apart and sending large chunks of debris hurtling towards earth. The only person who can save the world is Brian Harper (Patrick Wilson), a disgraced former astronaut who got fired from NASA after he claimed a weird form of space goo attacked and killed his friend while they were working on a space shuttle. Since being fired, he’s spent his time drinking (He’s still in great shape though – like Jason Statham in The Meg), working on his muscle car, and being surly to everyone around him. He’s called back into action by his former coworker and friend Jacinda Fowler (Halle Berry), who was with him during the space attack years prior and didn’t fully back him up during the following investigation. Fowler needs him because he can fly old school spaceships that don’t require all the electronic bells-and-whistles. His expertise is important because there’s something on the moon that is wiping out all the probes and ships that have come near it, and he’s needed to pilot a ship that can get close enough to unleash a wicked EMP.
Brian and Jacinda are joined by KC Houseman (John Bradley = pure gold), a likable maniac who thinks that the moon is actually a megastructure that is home to things more dangerous than space chunks (or the evil rocks from Apollo 18). He’s the one who initially brings the alarming news to Brian, and his presence provides some much needed comic relief. Together, the three of them are forced to avoid gravity waves, space chunks, and angry AI during their dangerous journey, which feels like every Emmerich film smashed into one movie (I’m not complaining). Moonfall is the type of film where sending an old school spaceship into space during an asteroid shower isn’t enough. The spaceship also has to contend with “big ass gravity waves,” earthquakes, and technical issues that make everything that much harder.
What makes Moonfall so much fun is that it knows it’s silly. The plot is absolutely bonkers (I won’t spoil it), and nobody in the cast thought they were making an Oscar-worthy film. Instead, the cast is committed to the shenanigans and there is something refreshing about watching Berry, Wilson and Bradley headlining a $140 million budgeted film. I have no clue who thought this would be a success, but I applaud the filmmakers for making me smile. Toss in Michael Pena, Donald Sutherland (his son was a producer), and a group of pointless thieves, and you have an extremely entertaining experience. Props need to go to composer-turned-writer Harald Kloser (Midway, 2012, 10,000 B.C. White House Down) and Spenser Cohen (Extinction, Expendables 4) for dreaming up a script that piles up a Jenga-esque tower of insanity that never falls over. Their script relies on every cliché on the planet (disgraced person, self sacrifice, angry kid) but it still feels like a breath of fresh air.
Final Thoughts – Watch it. Enjoy it.
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MY CALL: This film explores its characters more than most viewers likely expected, and perhaps even to its detriment in terms of reviews from those who expected a faster pace. The horror takes a back seat to long, patient character development and lingering, curious atmosphere before unleashing its cold, lacerating brutality. All told, I loved this. But one must be prepared for a more thoughtful film. MORE MOVIES LIKE X: For more geriatric horror, try Bubba Ho-tep (2002), The Skeleton Key (2005), The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014), Late Phases (2014), The Visit (2015), Anything for Jackson (2020) and Relic (2020).
Set in 1979, a group of adult filmmakers rent a guest cabin in rural Texas to make the film that will bring them fame. Wayne (Martin Henderson; The Ring), RJ (Owen Campbell; Super Dark Times), Maxine (Mia Goth; Suspiria, A Cure for Wellness), Bobby-Lynne (Brittany Snow; Prom Night) and Jackson (Kid Cudi; Creepshow) form a mostly tight knit group with clear separations between love and sex; whereas Lorraine (Jenna Ortega; Scream, Studio 666, Insidious: Chapter 2) is an outsider who doesn’t readily understand their profession or lifestyle.
The rural Texas, God-fearing, 70s vibes are strong. Wayne’s initial approach to the elders’ house smacked hard, and likely in homage, of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974, 2003) down to particular camera angles. Wayne’s crew is readily met with suspicion and outspoken moral disapproval by the elderly owners (Stephen Ure; Deathgasm) of the property, who are physically and mentally limited, one of which requiring full-time care and behaving suspiciously like she could be in a horror movie.
Director and writer Ti West (The Innkeepers, House of the Devil, The Sacrament) harbingers the massacre to come with a juicy Texas steer roadkill with its chunky entrails dumped on the road. But viewers should be patient, as there is much more to this movie than blood and guts. This film explores its characters more than most viewers likely expected, and perhaps even to its detriment in terms of reviews from those who expected a faster pace.
For an hour, this is purely a drama with not a hint of horror—and I love it. Our characters have dreams and desires, seek love and happiness as much as their own version of the American dream, and contrary to standard horror tropism of the genre, they seem in no way morally depraved or deserving of punishment by some killer or evil force. West has a lot to say in this film, and seems to be exploring the dynamic of adult filmmakers and actors every bit as much as those who would think ill of them.
But once the horror ensues, the blood spews in violent gouts and the stabbery is brutally cold. The gore is on point, and some wild things transpire. Some of it we see coming, but that’s part of the fun when it still manages to be shocking. Much of the violence is like that; strikingly abrupt, very effective. Really, this is more of a delayed burn than a slow burn.
I love where West takes this film; from beginning to end. This isn’t an epic horror movie, as it is only a horror movie in part. And yes, that horror “part” is intense and wild and gory. But more than half of this story explores characters in the absence of horror, during which Snow packs more stylish attitude than can fit in her revealing romper. This may end up being one of the more interesting films of the year for this reviewer. Kudos, Mr. West.
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John’s Horror Corner: The Brain (1988), a deliciously bad monster movie about the dangers of television.
MY CALL: Check your brain at the door and enjoy this dumb, cheesy classic. It’s nothing special, but it’s worth a few laughs. Just a fun, campy ride with a big silly monster. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Brain: Other really bad monster movies of similar vein include The Killer Eye (1999) and Brain Damage (1988). For more themes of televised manipulation, try Videodrome (1983).
You know? The world needs more horror movies that show us the monster in the first minute—in all its slimy, rubber monstery goodness. Right out of the gates, this movie reveals how ambitious it is for its budget. The scene in Becky’s (Susannah Hoffmann) room has rubber monster claws and rubber tentacles flailing about bursting through holes in her bedroom walls as the walls clumsily close in on her like an Indiana Jones booby trap. Tentacles and floating brains with strangling spinal cords abound in this wonky low budget horror, and I wouldn’t have it any differently. Director Ed Hunt (Bloody Birthday) crafted something of celebratory hokey status.
A troublemaker at risk of expulsion from his high school, Jim (Tom Bresnahan; Mirror, Mirror) is forced to see Dr. Blake (David Gale; Re-Animator, Bride of Re-Animator, The Guyver), a TV psychology guru who specializes in troubled teens.
Employees at Blake’s mental health facility casually stroll into the “mad scientist lab” where the giant brain monster resides, hooked up to electrodes. The cerebral creature is used to control and alter the thoughts of Blake’s patients. After eating someone, the brain metamorphoses and grows a demonic face with a toothy maw, a prehensile tongue and a taste for teenagers.
After being exposed to the monster’s brain waves, Jim starts hallucinating tentacles that aren’t there and blood where blood shouldn’t be. Realizing that Blake’s “Independent Thoughts” program is brainwashing everyone they know through the TV, Jim and his girlfriend Janet (Cynthia Preston; Pin, Prom Night III, Carrie) can’t trust anyone but each other.
Smalltown teenagers against the odds trying to save themselves, their town and maybe the world, as a hero Jim never seemed to capture the scale and urgency in this movie that we’d expect (e.g., The Blob, The Stuff). The ending is uber-cheesy, pretty dumb and unsatisfying. Don’t think I care, though. It’s worth a few laughs, for sure. The movie was a fun, campy ride.
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast – Episode 421: The Lost World: Jurassic Park, Jet Skis, and Tall Grass
You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
Mark and Nick Rehak (@TheRehak on Twitter) discuss the 1997 blockbuster sequel The Lost World: Jurassic Park. Directed by Steven Spielberg, and starring Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore, Vince Vaughn and a rampaging T-Rex, the movie focuses on what happens when naïve mercenaries attempt to capture dinosaurs (they get eaten). In this episode, they talk about gymnastics, tall grass, and nice people being ripped in half. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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John’s Horror Corner: The Seed (2021), a goopy, gory, sexualized, sci-horror comedy that shifts from quirky to just plain gross.
MY CALL: This movie is a weird little thing. Constantly quirky, never actually scary (nor trying to be), bizarre and deliberately gross. The story is basic, yet never went where I expected. While not particularly creative, I was pleased with this little oddity. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Seed: Although much more sexualized and raunchy, Society (1989) and BioSlime (2010) come to mind.
Deidre (Lucy Martin; Vikings) is a saucy and shallow social media influencer; Charlotte (Chelsea Edge; Suspicion) is the complete opposite, geeky, quiet, averse to attention and off social media; and Heather (Sophie Vavasseur; Exorcismus, Resident Evil: Apocalypse), the spiritual one, is ready for a vacation. These three ladies head to Heather’s luxury family villa in the desert to witness a once-in-a-lifetime meteor shower for a girls’ getaway. The villa is extravagant, and extremely remote—it actually reminds me of the setting in Revenge (2017), which is likewise sharply shot with gorgeous views and rich colors. There is some strikingly sharp cinematography in this film.
For all its visual splendor, the lower budget becomes more readily apparent when a stinky object plummets into the pool after the meteor shower. The creature looks like a cross between an oil spill turtle and a bear cub with its hair all burnt off… it’s kind of gross, but also marginally cute. The humor is light and there is a fun energy to this movie as the girls try to rid themselves of the creature.
But of course, somehow they do not rid themselves of the critter and yet weirder things begin to happen. The girls begin acting very strangely. Some recurring slimy, goopy, sexualized imagery reminded me of Society (1989) and BioSlime (2010), though less perverse. We witness the oddest scene involving eggs I’ve seen since Ghostbusters (1984), pretty good chunky head gore, sudden alien impregnation, mutation body horror and a nasty gory birth scene.
This movie is a weird little thing. Constantly quirky, never actually scary (nor is it trying to be), forever weird and deliberately gross at every opportunity. The story is basic. But it never went where I expected, and I was always entertained even if never wowed. While no great “film” nor particularly creative contribution to the genre, I was generally impressed with the quality of this little oddity. I love weirdo movies like this, especially when they’re well executed. Director and writer Sam Walker did well with his first feature film. In the future I’d like to see Walker helping realize the horrors of a more substantial script backed by a little more money.
Movies, Films & Flix 