John’s Horror Corner: I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (1990), a zany British horror comedy about a motorcycle that drinks blood.
MY CALL: This movie is a weird, very cheesy little thing. MORE MOVIES LIKE I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle: For more horror odd horror-comedy, consider that this is somewhat closer to the likes of Blood Diner (1987) or Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh (1991) than it is to Cemetery Man (1994).
After a devil-summoning cultist is murdered mid-conjuring only to have the demon possess his motorcycle, Noddy (Neil Morrissey; Bob the Builder) ends up buying the fixer-upper bike. Now this motorcycle is possessed by some named powerful demon, not a vampire. But the motorcycle is vulnerable to all weaknesses of a classic vampire, along with exorcism. Whatever. At some point we need to wave our hands in the air and decide we just don’t care when the garlic-indulgent inspector repels the foul spirit with his pungent garlic breath and just decide to go along for the ride. When Noddy teams up with a quirky priest, there’s a strong Fright Night (1985) Roddy McDowall vibe.
The humor gets… interesting. A talking severed head can be passed almost as a horror comedy trope (e.g., Evil Dead 2). But when Noddy has a conversation with his anthropomorphic poop in the toilet which then leaps into his mouth, you know you’ve wandered into some pretty weird territory.
This motorcycle is almost like a werebike. When it intends to feed it grows spikes and horns and various deadly extremities making it look like some Hell chopper. Just one year after A Nightmare on Elm Street part 5: The Dream Child (1990) boasted a spectacular motorcycle death, our evil motorcycle is impaling its rider and finding ways to drive them to bloody murder. Then it would bite off a meter maid’s hand with its broken headlight like a toothy maw with glass shard teeth; cut off a priest’s fingers; and separate a nurse’s torso from her body.
They ultimately defeat the motorcycle with a tanning bed. And while this may not be among the first tanning bed death scenes in horror (e.g., Death Spa, Killer Workout, Demons 2), it might be the first time (or even the only time) a tanning bed was used to kill the killer.
There are much better really bad, gory, B-movies out there. But this isn’t a bad watch for fans of b-movies. Director Dirk Campbell (The Worst Witch, Moon and Me, My Petasaurus) would not continue his career in horror, but rather shifted to kids’ shows. Not sure how that transition came along.
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John’s Horror Corner: No Reason (2010), a VERY gory, VERY graphic, VERY depraved German exploitation movie.
MY CALL: This movie really wants to be Lars von Trier meets Hellraiser (1987) and Martyrs (2008). But conceptually, it’s just shooting blanks. That said, I’d only recommend this to those who enjoy seeing the extremes of the genre. So yes, this review is rather scathing. But I’m still glad to have seen it… just once. MORE MOVIES LIKE No Reason: For more horror that will challenge the moral sensibilities of its viewers, I’d suggest The Last House on the Left (1972), Salo (1975), Cannibal Holocaust (1980), Red Room (1999), Martyrs (2008), I Spit on Your Grave (1978), Antichrist (2009), The Human Centipede 1-2 (2009, 2011), A Serbian Film (2010) and The Greasy Strangler (2016).
Lulling us into the very false sense that we may be watching a normal (or even well-made) film, we open with home movie clips of a happy German family. But within minutes we find a disturbed, completely naked woman shouting obscenities and killing a cop before turning her gun on herself in an abruptly graphic shot to the head.
Director and writer Olaf Ittenbach (The Burning Moon, Legion of the Dead) clearly has a lot he wants to say through this film. Unfortunately, neither his writing nor execution possess the poignant philosophical punch for which he was clearly aiming and missing with his rather shallow ‘transcendental’ dialogue. The characters are constantly saying very awkward, unnatural things that ooze unearned self-importance. Watching these actors lumber through these crass lines is an occasionally painful, boring slog. In fact, most aspects of the filmmaking felt more amateur than simply being lower budget, despite clearly swinging for the fences with every scene. So where this film thrives can only reside purely in its shock value. And even if the quality is low, it is relentless in its efforts. And if I measured its efforts in pounds of fake blood and rubber guts, there’s as much effort here than in any other horror movie I’ve seen in a long time.
After having a very unpleasant day, Jennifer (Irene Holzfurtner; Savage Love) awakens covered in blood and surrounded by numerous gorily dismantled bodies and severed limbs. She is guided on a quest of enlightenment by a man in an octopus mask and a discount Cenobite costume which we, as viewers, are meant to take seriously. But, in truth, this “demon” has cheap stiff octopus tentacles and a skeazy sex worker’s outfit. It’s tough to take this remotely seriously despite its perpetually dire tone.
Among the highly graphic violence is a suicide gunshot to the head, an eyeball is slowly lacerated, a woman’s face is flailed until the bone is stripped bare, limbs are sloppily sawed off, hooked chains stretch and tear the skin from one’s body, and there are multiple scenes of EXTREMELY GRAPHIC on-screen genital mutilation. Equally graphic is this nudity. Not since Mathilda May in Lifeforce (1985) have I seen a woman spend so much time naked on screen in a horror film, and Irene Holzfurtner effortless laps Mathilda May by any measurement of breast or tiny bits. And then there are the scenes of flogging bondage and humiliating urination as people are mutilated in the background a la Event Horizon (1997) in this pleasure-by-pain Hellscape. There’s a lot of torture bloodily basting its scenes, and it basks in it with the satisfaction of a recently fed lizard warming its fat belly on a hot rock in a teenager’s terrarium.
This movie really wants to be Lars von Trier meets Hellraiser (1987) and Martyrs (2008). But conceptually, it’s just shooting blanks with its impotent angel of death. This demon guides Jennifer through several “levels” of suffering to find emotional enlightenment. And with each level come more incidents of torture and gore and mutilated Hellraiser-esque imagery. Again, the premise is somewhat intriguing. But the movie before me is not. And that’s a shame, because generally I love these types of “challenging to watch” cinema.
The big reveal at the end…? Sorry. I just thought it was stupid, terribly written and incredibly shallow. This is the kind of film I only recommend to those who enjoy seeing the extremes of this genre, even if not worthy of appreciable rank. And that would include me. So yes., this review is rather scathing. But I’m still glad to have seen it… just once.
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Come True – A Fun Exploration of Dreams, Nightmares, and Science
Quick Thoughts: – Grade B+ – Director/writer/composer/cinematographer Anthony Scott Burns has created a visually impressive and creative film that will linger in your memory
Shot over 60 days, with a crew of five, Come True feels like a wildly intimate exploration of dreams, nightmares and science. Director Anthony Scott Burns drew inspiration from when he was eight years old, and processing the loss of his mom. At night, he would see a shadow at the foot of his bed, and that memory is the catalyst for Come True. He also drew influences from sleep studies at Berkeley that showcased revolutionary technology that could draw rudimentary images of what people were dreaming about, and his own bouts with sleep paralysis, to create an original and haunting horror film.
Come True focuses on a young woman named Sarah (Julia Sarah Stone – really good), who takes part in a sleep study that offers $12 an hour, and a full night of sleep. When we first meet Sarah she is sleeping on a playground slide, and stays awake through a combination of coffee, short naps, and lots of bicycle riding. She only goes inside her home to grab clothes/supplies, when her mom leaves the house, which means they’ve had a breakdown (which isn’t detailed in the movie) that keeps Sarah away from the house. At first, the sleep study offers her a chance to make some cash and get some sleep. However, when things start getting weird, she becomes skeptical of the mystery surrounding the study, and the people involved, who seem to be following her.
To give away more about the plot would be a disservice, as Come True should be watched without knowledge about the plot. There are a lot of surprises, twists, and neat revelations that shouldn’t be spoiled. Just know that Julia Sarah Stone is solid as the sleep-deprived high schooler who gets in over her head, and Landon Liboiron does a fine job playing a mysterious researcher who is either a creeper, or just a likable weirdo. The plot reminded me a lot of the excellent 2020 film The Vast of Night, which was shot on a budget, and featured a plot that centered around two teenagers unraveling a mystery. The two movies are widely different, but they seem kindred spirits in the way they play out their mysteries. There is something refreshing about how they leave you with asking questions, and wanting to go back and explore all the intricacies and moments. The 5.9 IMDb rating suggests some viewers might not appreciate all the questions and lack of clarity, but, if you go in with an open mind, and don’t need everything spelled out for you, it will be a rewarding watch.
Final Thoughts – Come True is a wildly inventive film that you should check out. I can’t wait to see what Scott Burns does next.
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast – Episode 385: The Saw Franchise, Gnarly Traps, and Jigsaw
You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
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Mark and John Leavengood (@MFFHorrorCorner on Twitter) discuss the Saw Franchise, which is made up of nine films, and lots of blood explosions. The franchise kicked off in 2004, with the James Wan directed Saw, and has since become a horror juggernaut that is surprisingly coherent and loaded with wild traps and loads of plot. In this episode, they talk about the evolution of the franchise, and the pettiness of Jigsaw. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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Deep Blue Sea – The Podcast – Episode 61: The Shallows, Steven Seagull, and Super Angry Sharks
You can listen to Deep Blue Sea – The Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spreaker, Spotify, Tunein, Podcast Addict, Amazon, Google Podcasts, and everywhere else you listen to podcasts. Also, make sure to like our Facebook page!
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Jay and Mark are joined by Kaitlin McNabb (@kaitlinmcnabb on Twitter) to discuss the 2016 film The Shallows. Directed by Jaume Collet-Serra, and starring Blake Lively, Sully the Seagull, and a vindictive great white shark, the movies focuses on the battle between an unlucky surfer and a pugnacious shark. In this episode, they discuss heavy chains, evil dolphins, and gnarly sunburns. Enjoy!
Stay tuned for more Renny Harlin and shark movie coverage! Also, let’s hope there’s an annoucement about Deep Blue Sea 4 soon.
Please make sure to rate, review and subscribe to the DBS podcast.
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Quick Thoughts – Grade – C- – Reminiscence is Loaded With Style, But the Predictable Plot, and Overly Familiar Dialogue Weigh it Down.
Directed and written by Lisa Joy (Westworld, Pushing Daisies), Reminiscence gathers an A-list cast, and places them in a film that lacks surprises or believable stakes. The production design by Howard Cummings (Westworld, Contagion), and cinematography by Paul Cameron (Westworld, Man on Fire) are top notch, and knowing that an PG-13 noir has a $50 million budget in 2021 is cool, but, the budget and technical prowess can’t improve the story.
Reminiscence takes place in a near-future world that has been ravaged by climate change and war. The residents of the water-logged Miami have turned to “vampires” who only come out at night, as the sweltering daytime heat, flooded streets, and lack of work has created a populace of people who look for drugs, or other means to escape the brutal life. This is where Nick Bannister (Hugh Jackman) and Emily “Watts” Sanders (Thandiwe Newton – a fun Westworld reunion with Joy) make their money, as they provide a service that allows customers to experience past memories in realistic simulations. Things turn sideways when Mae (Rebecca Ferguson – in a fun The Greatest Showman reunion with Jackman), a lounge singer turns up and wants Nick to help her find her misplaced keys. Since it’s a noir, Mae is clearly meant to be a femme fatale-esque character, who seduces Nick, and drags him into a world of crime, drugs, sex, and booze. She’s successful in her ruse, and the rest of the film is about Nick following breadcrumbs to a larger conspiracy involving actors Cliff Curtis, Daniel Wu, and Marina de Tavira.
The movie comes alive when Daniel Wu (Into the Badlands, Tomb Raider) is onscreen. He plays a character named Saint Joe, who is a drug kingpin that loves eels and theatrics. He also has a history with Mae, whom he got hooked on a drug called Bae (another form of escape), and she promptly stole his stash. The best moment of the film happens when Nick hunts Joe down, and confronts him during a very fun nightclub encounter. The scene allows Wu to have a blast with his gangster persona, who plays like a surfer, met a drug kingpin, and they blended into a scene-stealing villain. The moment is over the top, and features hungry eels, stylish speeches, and a fun gunfight that allows Wu to look cool.
What holds the film down is the screenplay by Joy, which invents a new world (which is cool), but gives the actors hard-boiled dialogue that is really hard to deliver. The dialogue never feels organic, and instead plays like actors reciting stylized dialogue, and that takes a lot away from the film. When actors like Jackman, Newton and Fergusson can’t deliver lines like “Memory is the boat that sails against its current,” believably, you know there is a problem with the script. Also, since it’s a noir, you can telegraph certain twists-and-turns, which destroy any surprises because you know there will be booze, double-crosses, mystery villains, and more booze.
Final thoughts – I’m excited to see what Lisa Joy does next because I love Westworld, and think she’ll come back stronger after this experience.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Fatal Exam (1988, or 1990), a lame 80s horror slasher movie that deserves to remain forgotten.
MY CALL: First off, please do not confuse this with the cult classic Final Exam (1981). This movie is boring, horrible and… boring. I won’t get these two hours of my life back. Don’t watch it. I hated this. Truly… I’m never watching it again. MORE MOVIES LIKE Fatal Exam: You should probably watch Prince of Darkness (1987) or Final Exam (1981) instead. No further explanation needed.
The premise feels like it’s playing off the story of The Amityville Horror (1979) and Poltergeist (1982) as a group of college students are recruited by their parapsychology professor to spend a weekend in a purportedly haunted murder house in lieu of taking a final exam. Naturally, the students opted for the murderhouse weekend. LOL. During this excursion the students are to perform experiments and, you’d expect anyway, that weird things would start happening.
I’m 54 minutes into this movie and all that’s happened is someone probably dreamed seeing a severed head in a coffee table. That’s it… in 54 minutes? I’m about to quit writing horror reviews. This movie is beyond lame.
Eventually they witness the sword-wielding ghost of a man who hacked up his wife years ago. Why a sword, you may ask? Because the filmmakers probably had access to a free prop—and it was a sword. As something of a story begins to unfold, I remain incredibly bored. The story is dumb. The exposition is dumb. The red herrings are dumb. I kind of want all these students to just leave the house and take the paper exam so we can roll the credits.
In the basement they discover a hidden trap door leading deep below the house. It doesn’t lead anywhere satisfying. When a cloaked killer emerges with a scythe, we witness a horrendously clunky death scene. I mean, a scythe is not meant for the close-quarters environment of a basement stairway. Worst death scene ever. I might have to drop this into the forbidden zone of unwatchable movies with Boardinghouse (1982).
Having now seen all three films in my Home-Grown Horrors volume 1 pack from Vinegar Syndrome, I can confidently place this movie well below the actually pretty cool Winterbeast (1992), and even below the regrettably bad Beyond Dream’s Door (1989). Still, for the sake of some very weird, basically lost-in-time movies, the Home-Grown horrors pack may just be right up your alley.
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Annette (2021) – Review: A Wildly Original Musical That is Easily One of the Best Films of 2021
Quick Thoughts – Grade – A – Annette is a wildly creative musical that features a career best performance from Adam Driver.
When it was first announced that Leos Carax (watch Holy Motors now) would be directing a musical co-written by Ron Mael and Russell Mael of Sparks (watch The Sparks Brothers now), you couldn’t help but be excited about the final product. The cast has changed since Adam Driver and Rooney Mara signed on in 2016, but the addition of Oscar-winning actress Marion Cotillard, and Simon Helberg (who got his French citizenship so he could be in the film) have given it a welcome pedigree of dedicated performers. You won’t see a more thoroughly realized vision in 2021, as Annette plays exactly like a Carax and Sparks project should play, as it’s funny, dark, violent, lyrical, creative, bleak, and uncompromising.
The film focuses on the relationship between famed opera singer Ann Defrasnoux (Cotillard), and comedian Henry McHenry (Adam Driver). The two love each other a lot, but their careers take wildly different turns as the apple-loving Ann becomes a worldwide phenom, while Henry’s career falters as his shock-jock-esque stylings find him tanking shows, and retreating into alcoholism and violence. The two also have a daughter named Annette (who is a marionette puppet – you get used to it), who ends up getting exploited when Henry learns she has a beautiful singing voice. To say more, would do the film a disservice, as it’s full of surprises that you shouldn’t know about. What should you know? There are actually nine puppets used throughout the film, the actors sang all of their songs live on set, and the cinematography by Caroline Champetier (Holy Motors) is wildly ambitious, as it allows for long takes that capture full musical performances.
It will be interesting to see how people who’ve never seen Holy Motors, or know nothing about Sparks, react to Annette. There will be zero primer for the experience, and it would be cool to see it in a packed theater of people not knowing what they are in for. It’s a wildly original 140-minute film that loads up on repetitive song numbers, dark themes and lots of sex. If you know about Carax and Sparks, the movie makes a lot of sense, and isn’t in any way a surprise, as they’ve always pushed boundaries and appreciated the weird in life. As mentioned before, Annette is a 140-minute film that features a marionette puppet (that the actors sometimes had to manipulate) as a core character. It’s almost as if Carax and Sparks want to exhaust and test the audience, and if you start feeling like it’s too weird, just know that the creators want to challenge you, and have worked tirelessly to bring something unique into your life.
Final Thoughts – Annette is easily one of my favorite 2021 films, and it’s cool seeing a movie that avoids VFX, embraces music, and has no interest in being like anything else.
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John’s Horror Corner: Demonic (2021), Neill Blomkamp’s new VR-based horror is exactly that—all virtual, no soul.
MY CALL: Not to be confused with the James Wan-produced Demonic (2015), which was also a big miss with a major name in horror attached to it. This film is one of the least interesting virtual reality-based horror movies I’ve seen even though it was made by a generally riveting visionary filmmaker. I don’t know what happened here. MORE MOVIES LIKE Demonic: For more VR(ish) sci-horror, try The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arcade (1993), Existenz (1999) or The Cell (2000).
I realize it’s been a while since his last feature film, although he’s kept busy with edgy, gory, heavily stylized Sci-Horror short films lately. So what stands out to me most in the first 50 minutes of this movie is how it specifically does not feel like it was directed or written by Neill Blomkamp (Elysium, Zygote, Chappie). This feels more mainstream; more generic, even if well-produced. And that’s a shame.
Years after her mother’s incarceration, Carly (Carly Pope; Elysium, Rakka) is approached by medical researcher Michael (Michael J Rogers; Beyond the Black Rainbow) running an experimental program to communicate with comatose patients in a virtual medium—that is, a virtual space in the patient’s mind. It is through these means that Michael wants Carly to contact her mother Angela (Nathalie Boltt; District 9, Doomsday) in virtual reality. And while we don’t know his exact motives, they certainly seem to be deeper than a clinical interest in his patient.
The simulation scenes should feel otherworldly, disarming and unnerving. Whereas here I find they are not very captivating at all—even mundane. Various signs point to something malevolent in the simulation influencing Angela and, eventually, Carly. Given the title of the film, we all know where this is going. A demon. All I can think at this point is, please be nothing like Incarnate (2016). Or more specifically, please be better than Incarnate (2016).
Watching the VR scenes is like watching a modern videogame down to the bird’s eye views of the hero character. It’s a bit stylish, but not enough to impress and it doesn’t lead us anywhere promising. I wanted harrowing. I wanted the reality rug yanked out from under me. But nothing of the sort. This VR simulation into the mind of a demon-haunted, comatose, violent felon was rather… boring. I mean, remember The Cell (2000)? Now that was a scintillating mindscape.
The first “big scare” (in sarcastic air quotes) feels like something from an inferior direct-to-streaming horror movie. The monstrous imagery feels very familiar, uninteresting and, frankly, very played out. Moreover, these troped up horrors aren’t even delivered in any sort of new or different way. The VR mindscape is a poor man’s “The Further” and our demon feels like a second-string Insidious (2011) fiend using a human to cross into our realm.
Oh my, and religious SWAT gear with crosses emblazoned on shoulder pads…? That’s not a good sign. But this movie was already a lost cause. I find not a trace of Neill Blomkamp’s filmmaking DNA in this film. The characters are weak, the premise is “meh”, the effects are not impressive, and nothing about this felt inspired. And THAT is what I normally think of when Neill Blomkamp comes to mind: inspired filmmaking, writing and direction. This movie has no soul.
Bad news. It’s no better than Incarnate (2016). Sigh. What happened here? I once thought that Neill Blomkamp could do no wrong, yet everything here seems wrong (for the caliber I’ve come to expect from him anyway). This may be a passable middle-of-the-road horror movie. But as a big Blomkamp fan, I didn’t care for this at all. Nope.
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John’s Horror Corner: Gaia (2021), a pretty weird, mildly trippy South African ‘sort of’ eco-horror film.
MY CALL: A weird film crossing earthly mysticism with infection tropes, dogmatic fanaticism, and adversarial fungal organisms. Very cool ideas and visuals accompany these themes, but it wasn’t nearly as trippy or thrilling as the trailer suggested. The film neither wows nor feels like something I’ve seen before. But make no mistake. It’s good. MORE MOVIES LIKE Gaia: For more mycological horror I’d recommend The Superdeep (2020) and maybe Shrooms (2007; which I have not seen). But most closely this movie reminds me of The Hallow (2015).
Extending well past its broad sweeping opening shots of this African habitat, constant photography of the jungle from various angles transports us to this tropical, remote location as park rangers Winston (Anthony Oseyemi; Dead Places) and Gabi (Monique Rockman; Nommer 37) routinely check their forest cameras for their research.
Plucked by a gaunt survivalist and his son, the camera lingers on a mushroom as its spores are swept away in a light current of air. Mushrooms and various fungi are the prevalent theme. These woodsmen, Barend (Carel Nel; Raised by Wolves) and his quiet son Stefan (Alex van Dyk), aid Gabi when she injured in the forest by one of their traps intended for wild game. We soon learn Gabi’s rescuers worship some aspect of nature among them as a deity, and we wander into some curiously religious-pagan territory.
Before long Winston and Gabi suffer what seem to be delusions, some clearly just dream-like visions, others seeming quite real. These visions include screeching monstrosities in the forest that can be found in no biological field guide, the supernaturally rapid growth of plant life as it reaches for its fare, and fungal/lichen growths emerging from skin. Visions of bodily fungal infection abound.
Weird film. It crosses bits of religion fused with earthly mysticism into blatant infection tropes, and wrestles with the notion of trying to psychologically rescue someone from a dependent cult-like upbringing. There’s nothing ground-breaking here, but it’s a solid movie and it doesn’t feel like something I’ve seen before. I’m very satisfied with it, but it’s not the kind of film I expect to feel compelled to revisit.
Movies, Films & Flix 