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Bad Movie Tuesday: Apollo 18: Review #2

January 10, 2012

John already wrote a wonderful review for this film. However, days after watching this flick I can’t let some of the questions go. I understood Tree of Life, Inception and Donnie Darko but Apollo has left me baffled. Apollo 18 is a question farm. I’ve never watched a film that raised so many questions.

I don’t get this movie and that is why I love it. It is like a never-ending wormhole of questions. Alice’s Rabbit Hole makes more sense than this film. In a day and age when movies have to be cohesive and coherent this movie breaks the trend and commits to confusing.

You have to admire a film that answers ZERO questions. Why should you admire this? Today’s  horror movies answer all the questions we don’t need answers for. For instance, The new Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street gave Michael Myers and Freddy a back story. The Texas Chainsaw remake answered how fast Leatherface can run the 40-yard dash (4.34 seconds). To top it all off The Thing prequel showed how the alien got to earth.

What do all of these answers have in common? I didn’t want to know any of them. The scariest thing is the unknown. Apollo 18 is not scary it just leaves you scratching your head. The more you see of it the less you know.

What do you know? This movie features footage that NASA discovered in space. They don’t even discuss how or where they found it.

SPOILER ALERT

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The end of the film features a space pod loaded with moon rock spiders colliding into an orbiting shuttle. How could they possibly have found the footage? the poster says they never went back to the moon but they must have landed to get the footage. Also, if the shuttle broke to pieces wouldn’t the film have been exposed and ruined.? I know NASA have their secrets but KODAK space film isn’t one of them….or is it?

Something strange happened when NASA got a hold of the space footage. They decided to edit it into a horror film.  Is all NASA footage like this? Do the video editors have a sense of humor? I know NASA needs funding so after Paranormal Activity maybe they dusted off the footage and released it as a movie. I’m hoping they have a Apollo 19 film involving moon rock spiders the size of godzilla.

What I love most about this film are the moon rock spiders. The rock spiders steal American flags and dig themselves in unlucky astronauts bodies. Eventually, a spider gets into one the suits and buries itself into the man’s ribs.

Sidenote: He is lucky he didn’t get the Orlando Jones treatment in Evolution. If a moon rock spider got into my nether regions I’d need more than ice cream to make it better.

The guy who gets a rock in his rib starts acting all funky. Is he turning evil? Is the poison affecting him weird? Do the moon spiders have a toxin that makes you act like a jerk? If the rock spider is so smart why doesn’t it go further into his guts and kill him? fellow writer John tried to answer the toxin quagmire  and ended up threatening an ecology and evolutionary lecture. This movie has a way of flustering people. Hal the super computer from 2001 would short-circuit explaining this movie.

The moon rock spiders kill all communications, slash a hole in the pod insulation and harass the poor astronauts. The reason is never explained. My girlfriend had the closest theory when one of the astronauts takes a rock she said “give me back those rocks.”

So, the simplest deduction is that they are angry about the rock theft. It is like how you can’t take petrified wood from state parks…except the wood doesn’t become an angry spider.

Watch this film. Is it real? Is it fake? Why are moon rocks so angry?  Will there be a Apollo 19? Are questions farms real? Why is it impossible to stop asking Apollo questions? Must close computer……

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