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Movies, Films & Flix Roundtable: Snow White and the Huntsman

June 6, 2012

Hello all. Mark here.

The MFF crew broke down the Snow White and the Huntsman trailer. Enjoy, read and appreciate the fairest blog post of them all.

Mark: They have succeeded in making the film look epic. However, I still don’t believe that Kristen Stewart can pick up a steel sword.

John: Epic, yes.  But Kristen Stewart destined to be the fairest?  Please!  She reminds me of a tomboy ballerina.

Mark: ouch. I’m assuming that the people in the kingdom would rather have a morose tomboy ballerina as opposed to a heart eating, milk bathing, monotone shape shifting princess.

John: Ummmm, a heart-eating, milk-bathing, monotone shape-shifting princess that’s HOT!  Lookin’ all sexy sucking the souls out of the virgin fair youth of the kingdom.

Sweet Sugar: I wonder if the milk queen likes Oreos or Famous Amos?

Mark: If an evil milk bathing Derek Zoolander was the king of an empire and killed off all the good-looking dudes I’d rock a mullet and wear parachute pants. Problem solved, and I don’t have to slide into any sewers.

Chuck Finley: I have to admit this movie is kind of epic looking. Kristen just strikes me as the girl you went to high school with who listened to Wilco and other more obscure shit and smoked Parliaments. She couldn’t beat eggs let alone glass knights, magic crows, and a Mega hot queen. Thor looks tough though. But probably because he’s Nordic.

Mark: I agree. I got goose bumps the first time i watched the trailer. It looks like a visual cornucopia and after watching Young Adult I know Theron will be a wonderful bad person. I wonder if her torture methods include listening to Good Charlotte cover Wilco.

Ryan: Does the queen win? Like as in Anakin vs Dooku in Revenge of the Sith win. I want her hands chopped off with a look of complete disbelief on her face.. then the unceremonious scissor cut as her head pops off and rolls away with a thump. Feast on the heart. Roll credits. Best movie ever.

Mark: At about :50 seconds Stewart accomplishes the greatest “slide into a sewer” ever. I was hoping there would be a gate just slightly inside the drain….

John: Stewart weighs little more than a house cat and, as such, slides across the kitchen floor when over-excited.

Mark: The first time I looked at this poster I thought “There are way too many crows.” It is like a crow bonanza.

Sweet Sugar: Those axes look really small. He must be chopping some tiny logs.

Jay: So is this what happened to Thor when his father stripped him of his powers?

Mark: Chris Hemsworths last four movies have involved him getting hit by large creatures (frost giants, zombies, Hulk and large tree goblins) I bet he wishes he could do more movies like Perfect Getaway where he only gets the stink eye from Timothy Olyphant.

John: The ‘phant is one of the only man ever to give a convincing stink eye from behind a cardigan.  That eye is nothing to be taken lightly.  I’d rather take a sucker punch from a playfully bitter Hulk than the ‘phant-eye.

Mark: Megan looked at the poster and noticed Kristen Stewart’s fantastic hair. I watched the trailer again and I hate to admit that her hair looks fantastic throughout. Her warrior ponytail is a marvel of nervous stylists. Then I started looking at the posters and noticed that Stewart is never looking at the camera. Her head is always to the side showing the glorious coiffure. I call it “hair acting.”

O’Lasavath: Maybe the reason why Charlize “Mr. F” Theron wants Stewart killed is because she’s jealous of her hair. Ultimately it doesn’t matter as both of their do’s pale in comparison to Hemsworth’s luxurious mane.

Mark: Imagine if this movie featured the Arrested Development cast. who would be the huntsman? Jason Bateman or Will Arnett? The fairest maiden would be Tobias Funke.

O’Lasavath: Here’s how I see it going down: Michael Cera would be cast as Snow-White, Jason Bateman would play the huntsman, Will Arnett as the voice of the magic mirror, and Carl Weathers would be the castle cook making a big pot of stew.

Mark: Carl Weathers make the best stew in all the land. “We’re getting our stew on baby!”

Megan: No way, I think the huntsman would have to be Ann ‘Egg’ Veal, you can’t really read her but I think she has the heart of a killer under that bland exterior.

Chuck Finley: I’m afraid that this will be a case of epic trailer making a movie look way more badass than it actually is. Kind of like Good Charlotte “punk” music.

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