Deathstalker (1983), where Dungeons & Dragons, boobs and Flash Gordon all seem to come together

MY CALL:  Brilliantly bad, this is the quintessential guilty pleasure that I hoped to find on HBO late at night 20 years ago.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Like the fantasy but don’t care for all the “bad”?  Let’s try Legend (1985), Beastmaster (1982), Conan the Barbarian (1982), Conan the Destroyer (1984) or Willow (1988) on for size.  Like the “bad”?  How about Flash Gordon (1980), Kull the Conquerer (1997) or Krull (1983)?

If you play Dungeons & Dragons and like bad horror, boobs and Flash Gordon (1980), this seems to be about where those things meet.

So Deathstalker (Richard Hill; Deathstalker IV, Cyborg II), yeah that’s his name and no one ever questions it, is basically the frat bro acquaintance rapist of R-rated 80s fantasy.  He thinks he’s better than poor people, he’s blonder than anyone else he’s ever met, he clearly spends some time in the gym, and any time he does anything for a woman he thinks he’s entitled to…you know…force himself upon her and expect her to be grateful for it.

You know the D&D adventure has started when some loony witch informs Deathstalker that he must find three sacred objects–a chalice, an amulet and a sword–before the evil tattoo-faced wizard Munkar gets his hands on them.  He must also rescue the oft-naked Princess Codille (Barbi Benton) from Munkar.  It’s never really explained what the sacred objects do, why Munkar wants them and, if Munkar were to get them as he planned, why he’d need the princess any more.  But whatever…sticking with the D&D theme, I guess this all doesn’t need to make sense.

I know what you’re thinking…”by the power of Grayskull, I have the power!”  And yes, this was better than Masters of the Universe in both silliness and breast count.

During his quest he encounters rape-y mongoloid mutant hillbillies of fantasy, ogres and a goblin that reminds me of the miscreants from Ghoulies (1985).  Like any classic heroes’ quest, Deathstalker encounters allies during his journey: a monstrous keeper of some relic transforms into a human ally, a beach-bodied bro wearing one of those gay-looking crop-top 80s belly shirts, and the constantly bare-breasted warrioress Kaira (Lana Clarkson; Barbarian Queen I & II, The Haunting of Morella).

By the look on Kaira’s face, that rufi Deathstalker slipped her is about…to take…effect.  SCORE!

Deathstalker is met with some challenges.  Munkar’s magic transforms his henchman into a beautiful woman to assassinate Deathstalker (and Deathstalker almost forces himself upon the him-transformed-to-a-her for some sexy time), he enters a tournament to prove he’s the greatest warrior in the land and fights an ogrish pig-faced barbarian, and he overcomes more of Munkar’s deceptive illusions.

[THUNK!]

This pleasantly humorous note shows us that the director really cared.

I think Munkar is staring at Deathstalker’s sculpted, glistening man boobs.

This movie was deliciously classless.  We had TnA within the first 3 minutes with loads of nudity, generally exploitative shots and misogyny to follow.  Yes, this is an exploitation flick.  But it’s still far from soft core; just really raunchy.  It features all the nudity of a Girls Gone Wild video with about the same attention to plot. However every effort was made to approach this budgetless mess in an ambitious fashion, which made it waaaaaay more fun.

Even before the recent success of Spartacus we had visionary directors.  This movie featured blood, blades, boobs, manhandling group orgies and mud wrestling!

No, dear.  This role as a bare-breasted warrioress didn’t turn out to be the big acting break you expected.  All you got out of this was a starring role as a bare-breasted warrioress in Barbarian Queen and, wait for it, yet another role as a bare-breasted warrioress in Barbarian Queen II.  Who’d’ve thought…?

There are some cheesy blood sprays and head loppings, an arm is festively torn asunder and used as an impromptu weapon, and Munkar’s funny little pet looks like a sock puppet covered in rotten meat.  The fight choreography is laughable at best, mixing lame sparring with drunken sloppy WWE moves.  I’d like to point out that Richard Hill reprises his role as Deathstalker in Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans (1991), which means there isn’t just one, but three sequels to this trash!  That fact alone is worthy of juvenile celebration.

Watch this, remember that no means no (no matter what Deathstalker thinks), and feel like you’re a dirty-minded teenager waiting for your parents to go to bed all over again.