The 2014 Random Awards Part 2: Best Tank Tops, Villains and Slow Motion Ground Punching

Hello all. Mark here.

Yesterday I unleashed part one of the 2014 Random Awards. It featured some the best naps, arm grabs and mustaches. Today, the world will be introduced to more random awards that will hopefully make you laugh and consider the merits of strategic tank tops.

Here they are! Enjoy.

My favorite villains since Cillian Murphy’s Scarecrow award

David Koechner and Sara Paxton are wonderfully mysterious and all kinds of awesome in Cheap Thrills.

 

Best usage of Ice Cube inside an ice cube office award

22 Jump Street wasn’t 21 Jump Street but it still had some fun moments.

 

I need that tank top award

Channing Tatum and the art of “suns out, guns out” wins the day.

 

Probably the safest vehicle in the world award

I don’t know who made Sam Jackson’s car in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. All I know is that it is the safest vehicle known to man and Asgardians. 40 highly trained killers couldn’t figure it out. I’m surprised Nick Fury didn’t just wait out the siege by playing angry birds on the big screen located in the back seat.

 

Best slow motion ground punch of the year award

The Signal is a neat little independent film that hit above its weight….it also pulverized some concrete via enhanced punches.

 

Best dancing by a potted plant 

Groot dancing at the end of Guardians might be the happiest moment of 2014.

 

 

Best driving whilst speaking in a Welsh accent

Tom Hardy is under a lot of pressure in Locke. However, he keeps a steady ten/two on the steering wheel and his Welsh accent never falters.

 

Nicest film of the year in which you can call Mark Ruffalo “scruffalo” Award

Thank you Mark Ruffalo and John Carney for allowing me to use the word “scrufallo.” Begin Again is the nicest film of summer and gives Mos Def another fantastic role. That dude is underrated.

 

Best use of spiders

Enemy – I don’t know what they mean or why they are there. All I know is that they are used wonderfully.

 

Best ancillary character

Eka in The Raid 2. Dude is a blue-collar face puncher who somehow navigates his way through the insane crime cesspool in The Raid world.

 

Rosamund Pike really went for it in Gone Girl award

I applaud you Rosamund because that role was bonkers.

 

Best Zombie battle involving tanks, Russians, Germans, Norwegians, decapitations and bodily disembowelment 

Dead Snow: Red Vs. Dead is insane. It is fun turned to 11 and you will find yourself laughing at things you should never laugh at.

 

Best drunk dialing by a vengeful man nicknamed “The Destroyer” Award

Drax the Destroyer drunk dialed an army. Then, he got his butt kicked. Moral of the story is never drunk dial an intergalactic army.

 

Best film by a Florida State University Grad involving homicidal robot things

Maze Runner was a cheap little thing that was surprisingly fun, suspenseful and minimal.

 

You went the found footage route and totally redeemed yourself!

Most horror films annoy me. As Above, So Below did not annoy me.

 

Best World War 2 Hair

If you are going to battle the Germans you need to have good hair. Brad Pitt rocked a sweet hair style in Fury.

 

Best usage of a Keri Hilson song

Robert Pattinson may live in the most depressing world ever but he still has time to sing some Keri Hilson in The Rover.

 

Best random mid-movie montage

Expendables 3 is a big ball of fun and features the most random mid-movie montage since the last time Stallone did a mid-movie montage. It also features a bonkers five minute Kelsey Grammer monologue that turns out to be a complete lie.

 

Most gratuitous usage of an overly supportive and attractive girlfriend

Tusk was weird. I am convinced he wrote a monologue so he could simply point the camera at Genesis Rodriguez

 

Your significant others should be worried award

After Need for Speed and Long Way Down your partners should be worried about your chemistry. Aaron Paul and Imogen Poots are really good together on screen.

 

I almost shed man tears while watching this film about two teenagers who act like teenagers going through terminal illness in a classy way award

I applaud you Fault in our Stars for your wonderful music, performances and ability to ALMOST make me cry.