MFF Special: In Defense of Home Alone’s Marv and Harry
With Christmas approaching I guarantee that Home Alone 1 & 2 will be playing on a constant loop. On a recent MFF podcast we pondered what would happen if Home Alone’s Marv and Harry were swapped for Pulp Fiction’s Jules and Vincent. This random conversation made me realize that Marv and Harry were actually very successful criminals whose kyptonite was a precocious child who might be a sociopath. Their thievery was on point but when they made it personal everything fell apart. Revenge was their downfall and if you think about other revenge films (Oldboy, Gladiator, I Saw the Devil) their quest to get even leads to nothing good. Marv and Harry took their eye off the original prize and allowed themselves to be foiled by a bird lady and an old man with a large shovel.
They got so focused on Kevin they weren’t even looking for the old man with a shovel. Classic revenge trope.
If you are looking for a quick Home Alone refresher this honest trailer is perfect.
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The following post examines the moments when Harry and Marv weren’t around Kevin. When they weren’t foolishly running headlong into pain they actually proved themselves to be solid criminals. I’m not saying they were good people because they were obviously troubled human beings. They try to murder a child, maliciously flood people’s homes and they have no problem stealing from toy stores. However, if it weren’t for a pesky kid they would’ve been living the high life on a beautiful island.
- They successfully robbed and terrorized the suburbs in Home Alone.
Harry showed up at homes dressed as a police officer in order to check out security systems and occupancy. In one foul swoop he learned about the locks and automatic timers on the lights. He made sure to know the whereabouts of the families before he stole from them. This is an experienced move and proves that the Wet Bandits knew what they were doing.
The Wet Bandits capitalized on Christmas vacations.
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2. They escaped from prison in Home Alone 2
It is very difficult to escape from prison (Think Shawshank Redemption) let alone actually escaping from the ensuing manhunt (think The Fugitive). If you think about cinematic prison breakers they are intelligent people who played the long game and succeeded. I love that Marv and Harry took advantage of a riot (did they start it?) and somehow made their way past gates, locks and bard wire fences. How did they get in that fish truck? I find it impressive that they were able to go from Chicago to New York undetected.
3. Their planning, execution and robbery of the toy store was inspired.
They knew the store would have unmarked cash on hand so they hid and waited to rob the place when no one was around. They fooled everybody except for a pesky kid. I love how Harry broke down the robbery.
The only stores that will have cash on hand are ones that deal in moderately priced goods. Ergo, what stores are gonna make the most cash on Christmas Eve that no one is gonna think to rob?
Harry’s question shows self-awareness and an ability to think in depth about easy targets. I think it is a pretty great plan that involves zero death or hostages.
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4. Marv is such a good thief that nobody notices him stealing from them
It takes a pro to rob from unsuspecting skaters. Marv ingeniously fashions a sticky hand and he clothes himself with extra layers (scarf, mittens, ear muffs) via stealing from unsuspecting skaters. It takes a lot of skill if you think about it. He steals artices of clothing and nobody notices! It is so blatant (like their daytime robberies) it works perfectly!
Marv stole the scarf and mittens. Soon he will steal some ear warmers. The guy is a pro.
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5. They have a laid back repertoire and prove they can come up with some pretty great Christmas songs about stealing things.
If you watch the Home Alone deleted scenes you get a look into Marv and Harry’s relationship. They don’t come across as dumb or bumbling. They come across as two thieves that know each other pretty well and have an easy charm. Also, they have a pretty firm grasp on how great they are at stealing things.
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6. Marv speaks French and understands coffee cup etiquette.
This might be a stretch but his Marv ends up speaking French before a woman slaps him in the face in Home Alone 2. It shows he has unexpected depth and an elementary knowledge of various languages.
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If you watch this deleted scene he has pretty great coffee cup manners. He holds his pinky out like a boss.
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I know it is all their fault but I find it amazing that they never die.
7. They are virtually indestructible.
Nothing can kill them. These guys should have been dead multiple times and it proves they have an inhuman pain threshold. I love what Roger Ebert had to say about the traps in Home Alone:
When the burglars invade Kevin’s home, they find themselves running a gamut of booby traps so elaborate they could have been concocted by Rube Goldberg – or by the berserk father in “Last House on the Left.”
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Marv and Harry totally deserved their jail time and beatings. However, these two men could have been special thieves if they hadn’t made it personal with a tiny child.
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My 10 Favorite Non-Human Characters of 2015: A Collection of Dinosaurs, Jerky Creatures and Bing Bong
In a cinematic world of superheroes, dinosaurs, robots and animated characters I’ve found myself liking non-human characters more than human characters. 2015 was loaded with unique creatures that proved themselves to be three-dimensional, full of surprises and terrifying. These creations are rarely remembered come awards time so I figured I would give them some props and spread the love.
The following post examines my favorite non-human characters.
- Blue – Jurassic World
Blue was hands down the best part of Jurassic World. I don’t remember any of the humans names but Blue and her crew have stuck around in my memory. Blue has an actual character arc that feels relatable. She seems trustworthy but betrays the humans when she meets the pesky new dominant animal that is loose in the park. However, she totally redeems herself when she fights the Indominus Rex to save her humans. That is awesome!
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2. Ava – Ex-Machina
Alicia Vikander needs an Oscar nomination (the Golden Globe nomination is pretty awesome!) for her sly work in Ex-Machina. Ava is artificial intelligence perfected and I love that she plays everybody while seemingly playing nobody. The performance is so layered and Ava might be one of the best written and performed characters of 2015.
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3. Bing Bong – Inside Out
Poor Bing Bong. I won’t say more. However, this imaginary friend will break your heart and have you singing a pretty great song. It is hard to recommend Inside Out because I know whoever watches it will need a box of tissues.
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4. The Jerky following Creature – It Follows
Where did it come from? Where does it go? You know nothing about the creature from It Follows. In fact, when you think you know the rules it changes everything! This thing leaves more questions than answers and I love that. I also love that you can never relax with it hanging around because it is always walking towards you.
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5. Louise – Spring
Louise is like the creature from Species if it was sensible, romantic and not a total jerk. Louise is an original creature that enjoys long talks and turning into a squishy thing who kills frat boys. I really like the movie Spring and appreciate that it gave the world a new character. I like what directors Justin Benson and Aaron Moorhead say to say about Louise to the AV Club:
It felt like there was something sort of rebellious in the act of creating a new monster. Because for some reason it was something that so few people attempt to do now. Usually, when people want to tell a monster story, it’s a vampire, it’s a werewolf, or it’s an alien. It’s always got to be one of those things. That’s pretty much it, conceptually.
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6. The Man Who Can’t Breathe – Insidious 3
I love the Insidious villains. They are pure evil and have no problem wrecking havoc on nice families. The Man Who Can’t Breathe carries on the villain tradition and you will cover your eyes every time he is on screen. He creeps, peeps and makes a poor girl destory her leg casts via kicking a bed post. The dude is the worst and he is the stuff of nightmares.
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7. Vision – The Avengers: Age of Ultron
It is about time Paul Bettany got some screen time after voicing Jarvis for years. The guy is a intelligent badass who can lift Thor’s hammer while droping some philosophical musings. The Avenger’s will need him around when it comes time to battle Thanos.
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8. The Werewolves not swearwolves – What We Do in the Shadows
One of the best parts of What We Do in the Shadows are the interactions between the Werewolves and Vampires. Rhys Darby is my hero and I hope they get a spin off.
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9. Jason Statham and Rose Byrne’s hair in Spy.
What I love about Spy is that everybody is funny. It is unselfish comedy that allows a character’s hair to be its own character. I 100% believe that Byrne’s hair in Spy weighs at least 20 pounds and I actually think Statham could rock a pretty sweet mustache.
You need to watch Spy.
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10. The Potatoes from The Martian
I know that The Martian potatoes are only vegetables but they played an important part in keeping Matt Damon alive. The Martian is a fantastic crowd pleaser and without those potatoes it would’be ended in a very depressing manner. Thank you potatoes.
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The MFF Podcast #39: The Great Cinematic Character Trade
Great news! Blog Talk Radio, Sharkdropper and MFF have teamed up to form the perfect movie podcast. Now, you can stream the pods on the BTR website or download from Itunes.
Have you ever wondered what would happen if Marv and Harry from Home Alone were traded for Pulp Fiction’s Jules and Vincent? We here at MFF have pondered this swap and we’ve also wondered about many other characters journeying into other films. In this pod you will be transported to a world where Gail and John from Pitch Perfect narrate the fights from Bloodsport.
I would love to hear their commentary.
As always we answer random questions and that cover It Follows, turning into a yeti and that furry monster from Big Trouble in Little China. You will love the answers.
Sit back, relax and listen to what w0uld happen if John Cusack from Grosse PointeBlank inhabited the Tim Burton Batman land. Check out the MFF pod on Blog Talk Radio or head over to Itunes and listen to the randomness!
If you get a chance please REVIEW, RATE and SHARE the pod!
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John’s Horror Corner: The Church (1989), yet another haphazard Italian horror featuring creepy atmosphere, a diversity of effects, a shaky story and horny demons.
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MY CALL: I wouldn’t call this film a conquest for the genre, but instead just a stop on the tour of ludicrous 80s horror films to be enjoyed. Impotent acting and incontinent story synthesis are somewhat redeemed by creepy atmosphere and a diversity of moderate effects. MOVIES LIKE The Church: Looking for more bonkers 80s horror that fails to keep a straight face? Try The Gate (1987), Society (1989), or any of the Italian horror mentioned in this review.
Let’s get something straight, people. This movie is weird.
Like…demon copping a feel weird!
The 80s blessed horror fans with numerous bonkers Italian movies with randomly fragmented stories—especially when considering Fulci’s (Conquest, Aenigma, Manhattan Baby) contributions. These films are seldom “good” but often enjoyed at the very least, if not celebrated. Today’s surreal film is such a movie…
Watch for a young Asia Argento.
We begin with a group of knights following some weird dude into a cave to meet an accused witch with a cross-shaped stigmata on her foot. Upon visual (and laughably momentary) confirmation of her damnation, they naturally kill her and everyone in her obviously Satanic village. Seems practical that a single purported witch results in citywide extermination, right? Among the montaged savagery we find scores of bloody corpses, some of them naked, piled in a mass grave. The site is blessed, they drop a giant cross on the pile of bodies and they build a church atop the macabre mass to “trap the demon” forever. This sets the tone for a brutal Italian gorefest—and there are several somewhat gory efforts—but that’s not exactly what we’re in for…this is more eerie than gory.
Skip to present day and we find our gigantic gothic cathedral led by an inordinately venerable (and weird) priest. Not sure if this is normal, but the church recently hired a new librarian, a young woman (Barbara Cupisti; Opera, Cemetery Man) to restore its art, and contractors jackhammering away in the catacombs below. Pretty active for a European church, isn’t it? Anyway, there seem to be some hidden cavities and caverns below the church and an old parchment scroll discovered in its walls begins to unravel mystery and subsequent mayhem.
Our intrigued librarian Evan (Tomas Arana; Gladiator, Frankenfish) believes that artefacts and secrets are hidden away buried beneath cathedrals, and this ignites his sense of adventure and discovery. Do they grant supernatural power or other-worldly knowledge? Who knows…let’s find out! He solves the encrypted scroll, searches for “a stone with seven eyes” found atop the mass grave’s cross and resembling a mixture of Lovecraftian tentacles and the demon Baphomet. It seals an abyss below and, as in The Gate (1987), some accidently drawn blood opens this infernal doorway.
Perhaps now partially possessed, Evan starts acting super weird…in fact, the whole movie starts getting super weird. He pulls out his own beating heart for no reason at all, there is a demon goat home invasion, Evan turns into a sex-hungry creeper and he aims some of his unwanted affections toward a very young Asia Argento (Mother of Tears, Demons 2), Asia’s dad kills someone with a spiked fence and then suicidally jackhammers himself through the stomach to “finish” opening the infernal gate, an elaborate Indiana Jones mechanism is triggered to lock down the church and trap its occupants, more people get briefly possessed, a monstrous amphibian leaps out of the holy water and attacks someone…
…trapped people get feverish and delusional, an old lady uses her husband’s severed head to ring the church bells, a demon cops a feel of a girls bare butt, the old priest goes mad and gets impaled, there’s a mirror who’s reflection shouldn’t be trusted, and a sex scene with a goat demon and a woman on an altar. Some of these things seem to be hallucinations whereas others are really happening but, as the movie viewer, I’m questioning my own sanity while watching this hilariously eerie nonsense transpire. No clue why any of it is happening…but it’s happening! So many bonkers things happen in this movie and it culminates in a giant mass of conjoined bodies emerging from the depths. It reminded me of Society (1989) for just a moment, but not nearly as perverted.
The acting is completely stale and it feels like every scene was shot in a single, unrehearsed take. And while the pace of this film could certainly be quicker, I enjoyed the creepy atmosphere. The first act played out much more like an eerie mystery than a horror story and this set a solidly uneasy tone—one of the best aspects of this movie, by the way. I may have wanted a more blatant gorefest, but the healthy diversity of moderate effects complemented the tone well.
Although not directed by Dario Argento (Phenomena), this film (originally released as La Chiesa) certainly wears his mark. Rather Italian director Michele Soavi (Cemetery Man) is responsible for this zany Italian horror film. I wouldn’t call this film a conquest for the genre, but instead just a stop on the tour of ludicrous 80s horror films to be enjoyed. Aside from the impotent acting and incontinent story synthesis, a lot was left to be desired in terms of special effects, make-up and gore…none of which offered what I’d expect for a lower budget 80s flick. Although the effort was readily apparent especially when the woman’s face is smashed (like a birthday cake; no really, it looked like a birthday cake!) onto a subway car and the mirror’s reflection scenes. The macabre mass of bodies at the end was satisfactorily messy, yet should have been more harrowing. But it just shows up briefly, then is dispatched; it doesn’t “do” anything but appear and shake a few limbs. Similar can be said for the entertaining goat demon, which doesn’t really do anything other than look pretty neat…and have sex with someone. LOL.
The movie ends typically, implying that the cycle of evil will continue but presenting it in a way that will draw no grins of satisfaction. This was surely entertaining to this campy horror fan, but also surely not so great.
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In honor of Luke Skywalker returning in the new Star Wars films I’ve gathered together my favorite cinematic moments involving somebody getting their arm/hand chopped off. Whether it is played for comedy or drama these moments remain memorable and prove when done right limb destruction is a valuable plot device (or prove JCVD is awesome at spin kicks).
Sadly, this moment from Commando didn’t make the list. It felt too obligatory.
The only caveat is the losing of the arm/hand had to be caught on camera and can’t be shown after the fact (think Requiem for a Dream or Sam Jackson in Jurassic Park).
Here is the list!
Monty Python and the Holy Grail – It’s only a flesh wound
The Black Knight losing his body parts in The Holy Grail is hands down the best cinematic moment involving limb loss ever. The Monty Python gentleman know how to make a violent situation hilarious (think Life of Brian stoning) and this scene is proof. They burnt the phrase “It’s only a flesh wound” into the world’s lexicon and gave the us an amazing scene.
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Anchorman – When Tim Robbins and a bear attack
I guarantee that Luke Wilson is the only person to lose an arm in a street fight and bear attack. The poor guy is never paying attention and it costs him dearly. He ranks high up in the list because of the circumstances surrounding his limb loss.
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The Empire Strike Back – Luke and a Hoth Wampa have something in common
Sometimes I wonder if the Hoth Wampa is pleased that Luke lost his hand too. the Star Wars series excels at cutting off arms and hands so it had to make the list. I still feel bad for the Wampa though. The thing was just doing its predator business and came across the wrong guy.
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The Marvel Cinematic Universe and its dedication to cutting off arms and hands.
CINEMABLEND put together a killer video of all the Marvel arm destruction. Good job!
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World War Z – Gerry springs into action
What I love about World War Z is that it never stops. There is a moment when the likable Segen gets bit by a zombie and Gerry (Brad Pitt) hacks her arm off. Does she whine and complain? Nope. She soldiers on and helps save the day.
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Michael Ironside in Total Recall and The Machinist.
The guy is always losing limbs and this video proves it. I love the Total Recall arm loss moment because Arnold gets the fun one liner “see you at the party, Richter” in there.
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Deep Blue Sea – Please stay away from the sharks
One of the smartest men in the world loses his arm to a stationary shark…….That is Deep Blue Sea in a nutshell.
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The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring – A most satisfying death
The boss Uruk-hai meets his match with Aragorn and loses an arm for his troubles. What I love is with his remaining arm he still manages to pull Aragorn to him. This was a very satisfying fight because the punk Uruk-hai had just mortally wounded Boromir and you really wanted the thing to get wiped out.
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Hot Tub Time Machine – When will Crispin Glover lose his hand?
I love that an entire subplot was built around Crispin Glover losing an arm in Hot Tub Time Machine. You gotta appreciate the build up and commitment to somebody losing an arm.
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Idle Hands – A dangerous Offspring
Before the evil hand was killing The Offspring it needed to be cut off of Devon Sawa’s arm. I love this movie and even though it rips off Evil Dead it belongs on the list because of how bonkers the movie is.
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Evil Dead 2 – A groovy situation
This is iconic hand losing at its most absurd. The hand gives Ash everything he can handle but Ash wins via a whole lot of blood and determination. Never has a hand been more of a problem. Also, it leads to the famous chainsaw attachment which is kinda groovy.
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Time Cop – Henchman meets JCVD’s foot
I feel really bad for this henchman. He gets his arm frozen and then kicked off by a mulleted JCVD.
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127 Hours – It had to happen
This arm cut was more about survival. However, the process and filming was excruciating to watch. The moment when he cuts through the nerve still pains me. Imagine if zombies attacked during this moment.
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Predator – Don’t mess with invisible aliens
What happens when you battle an invisible alien with a canon on its shoulders? You get your arm blown off.
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X-Men: The Last Stand – When regeneration goes wrong
The finale battle in Last Stand finds Wovlerine battling a man who regenerates his arms. The arm cutting become futile so Wolverine kicks the guy in the balls. Watch this video about everything wrong in Last Stand. You will see the nut shot.
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Snowpiercer – Who throws a shoe?
What happens when you throw a shoe on a post-apocalyptic train? You lose your arm and get that shoe placed on your head. Ewan Bremner really sells the arm losing though. I love his reactions.
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Dawn of the Dead (1978) – Never test your blood pressure during a zombie attack
I don’t think I will ever understand why a guy wanted to test his blood pressure in the middle of a mall raid. However, the guy went for it and ended up getting his arm separated from his body. I love Dawn of the Dead.
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Fright Night (2011) – Kid becomes a vampire. Kid loses arm.
I couldn’t find the clip but I did find the moment in the outtakes. If you are a fan of David Tennant you need to watch the bloopers. I love the Fright Night remake and the arm losing was pretty fantastic.
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John’s Horror Corner: Krampus (2015), a dark Christmas-themed fantasy film by Michael Dougherty, the man behind Trick ‘r Treat and the upcoming Trick ‘r Treat 2.
MY CALL: This was a really fun movie experience. Not at all scary, hardly even jumpy, and with minimal gore…yet very funny (in the first act), thoroughly entertaining and perpetually delivered with a dark, tongue-in-cheek atmosphere. The ending is equal parts awesome, appropriate and predictable—but most importantly, the ending suits this dark holiday fairy tell perfectly. MOVIES LIKE Krampus: For more holiday horrors try Gremlins (1984), Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010), Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984), Black Christmas (2006) and Black Christmas (1974).
Ever since Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) I’ve been waiting for the next great holiday horror movie. Rare Exports was pretty good and I consider it a very special holiday horror fantasy that holds a place in my heart, but it didn’t quite live up to the two short films (“Rare Exports, Inc.” (2003) and “Rare Exports: The Official Safety Instructions” (2005)) that generated all the hype leading to its creation. But there is hope yet!!! Michael Dougherty—the brilliant mind that wrote and directed the much celebrated Halloween horror anthology Trick ‘r Treat (2007) and is working on the upcoming Trick ‘r Treat 2—has returned to bring us the twisted cautionary Christmas fairy tale of Krampus… (TRAILER HERE)
Krampus opens with an all-too-familiar but appreciated social commentary of our long forgotten family values. Sharing, forgiveness, love and togetherness have been cast aside in lieu of rude comments, sharp-tongued jabs and obligatory gatherings. The film doesn’t take itself too seriously in the beginning, which is good—great, in fact—as the introductory act is littered with holiday humor, including chaotic shopping scenes illustrative of our materialistic oblivion and crotchety family members clashing with one another. There’s drinking to take the edge off dealing with family, unwanted relatives you can’t stand yet didn’t want to leave alone, children fighting, in-laws bickering, adult siblings competing and judging each other’s family values. Needless to say, this will satisfy more sarcastic fans.
The plot is simple. A boy who loses faith in his family inadvertently creates a terrifying holiday by summoning the Christmas demon Krampus. Our monster’s victims boasts an impressive cast, including Adam Scott (Hellraiser: Bloodline, Piranha 3D), Toni Collette (Fright Night, The Sixth Sense), David Koechner (Final Destination 5, Cheap Thrills) and Conchata Ferrell (Edward Scissorhands, Two and a Half Men)—all of whom with a fair share of horror and comedy experience.
Writer/director Doughertys’s Trick ‘r Treat was an impressively nuanced Halloween anthology with diverse effects and expertly interwoven stories. The movie blew away my expectations and left me hopeful that Dougherty has just as lovingly and patiently architected Krampus. Well, Trick ‘r Treat fans should be quite pleased with Krampus, which likewise features a good diversity of Christmas-esque monsters presented in tongue-in-cheek scenarios. I may not have been overly pleased with the elves or the baby angel doll, but the Jack in the Box and teddy bear monsters were absolutely delightful, the Krampus itself was pretty damn cool, and the gingerbread men had to be my favorite!
To my disappointment, the humor from the first act hardly transitioned through the rest of the story. However, as it becomes increasingly obvious that something is amiss, witty exchanges are abandoned for darker scenes such as harrowing snowmen mysteriously appearing in the front yard, a dire chase with Krampus leaping across rooftops (all CGI, but very exciting), and the harbingering of toys and wrapped presents that offer us an eager but dark anticipation.
Budget limitations were apparent with inexplicably “masked” elves and the completely stationary Krampus face—like, he had a single frozen, open-mouthed facial expression. That said, the elves still adopted an effective Gremlins-like menace and the Krampus monster still looked awesome. And, again, I must say how much I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED the scenes with the Jack in the Box monster and those gloriously fiendish gingerbread men!
This was a really fun movie experience. Not at all scary, hardly even jumpy, and with minimal gore…yet very funny (in the first act), thoroughly entertaining and perpetually delivered with a dark, tongue-in-cheek atmosphere. The ending is equal parts awesome, appropriate and predictable—but most importantly, the ending suits this dark holiday fairy tell perfectly.
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Brooklyn is one of my favorite films of 2015 because of its adherence to adding depth to a small story. Brooklyn is layered with three-dimensional characters, fantastic writing and tons of warmth. I respected its usage of nice characters who simply get by and do the best they can. I guarantee Brooklyn will make you feel all the feels and I hope that Saoirse Ronan wins an Oscar for her mature and confident work.
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Brooklyn tells the story of am Irish immigrant named Eilis making her way in 1950’s New York City. There was no work for her in Ireland so her sister secured her a visa and she made the big move. The initial homesickness leads to love and a tragedy finds her back in Ireland where she finds new opportunities. I was amazed at how it kept defying expectations and finding ways to make me laugh and surprised. I love that the characters feel real and they are allowed to show not tell us their emotions. For instance, there is a massive transformation in Eilis but it is so subtle and nuanced many will miss it. Eilis grows as a character and eventually learns what she wants and begins to make her own decisions. She will never say “I’m grown up now,” you just see it. It doesn’t hurt Ronan has great chemistry with whoever she acts with.
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Screenwriter Nick Hornby (About a Boy, Fever Pitch) is one of my favorite writers and I love how he adapted Colm Toibin’s 2009 book. The core romance is a true odd coupling but both actors are so good you can’t help but wish the best for them. When she finds herself back in Ireland you are conflicted and hoping she finally makes up her mind and does what is best for her. Director John Crowley does something that I absolutely love. Much like in this years Me and Earl and the Dying Girl the actors are allowed to act and the camera lingers on their faces and they thrive in their roles.
There are little moments that are beautifully subtle. I love the dinner scenes at Eilis’s boarding house because they highlight characters that are normally underwritten and cliche. The women are all supportive and aside from a curly haired weirdo they all have a great chemistry. Normally, you’d have a bunch of archetypes going through the motions but here every conversation and interaction is fun and surprising.
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Julie Walters steals the show as the owner of the boarding house that Eilse stays in. Everything that comes out of Mrs. Kehoe’s mouth is pure gold and I love how she is tough but kind. She is like the majority of the characters in Brooklyn. The characters are alive and the movie appeals to everyone.
What I love most about Brooklyn is that is doesn’t pander or attempt to go huge. It understands that if the performances are good and the script is right people will be into it. There are some melodramatic moments but they feel earned and the final shot will put a massive smile on your face.
Watch Brooklyn. You will love it.
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Squid Lake: An Oral History of the Florida Filmed Classic
Hello all. Mark here!
I love the Sharkdropper podcast and recently they had an incredibly bizarre episode that featured an interview with the crew of the Florida filmed movie Squid Lake (Listen to it now! It is glorious). It featured crying, alcohol consumption and I’m pretty certain something really bad was going to happen afterwards. However, I loved listening to the pod so I found the crew members and talked to them about Squid Lake.
The following post is an oral history of the film Squid Lake. It only screened one time at a tiny theater (which I was at) and has since become a word of mouth legend. Before I get into the post I wanted to briefly introduce you to a movie that has been burnt in my memory for years.
I remember walking out of the Conch Shell Cinema on St. Petersburg beach and seeing a poster that would change my life. The poster was a badly photoshopped picture of a lake with an ink blot in it. It was so bad I had to take a picture.
My curiosity was piqued so I stopped by the ticket counter to see what the movie was about. I talked to the manager and he told me the movie was sold out. However, if I helped promote the film he would give me a ticket. I agreed and he gave me some flyers to hand out.
“Squid Lake tells the terryifing (sic) tale of a squid attacking the denizens of a small town located next to the great lakes.”
The night of the screening was insane. The theaters third largest auditorium was sold out (200 seats) and the the following 75 minutes might have been the weirdest experience of my life. The drunk crowd went insane for the film and they clapped, fought and laughed their way through the entire film. It was a scary atmosphere and when the movie ended the raucous crowd carried out the star of the film on their shoulders and the ensuing after party ended up on the news due to several store fronts and cars being destroyed. I had never seen a reaction like that to any film and the experience opened my eyes to what bad cinema can do.
Here is the crew I was able to locate.
Steve Balsawood – Actor
Debra Winters – Production Designer
Hank Cleveland – Actor/Prop Master
Mason Jar – Beach Theater Manager
Chuck Finley – Cameraman/props/grip/electric/craft services/transportation.
Steve Balsawood – I was working at a gas station when a man walked in and loitered around the store for about an hour. When he finally walked up to the counter he told me he no money to buy the items he picked but he would give me a role in his film If I paid for them. I agreed because I had nothing better going on and he quickly added several more items to his tally.
Hank Cleveland – I remember this guy comes pulling up to the swimming pool store I worked at and he asked me if I owned a house and had a pool. It was a forward question but I figured he was a customer looking for advice. I said “yes” and he told me I could act in his film if the production could use my house. He said he would pay me $700 at the completion of the film and that I would be a star. I had always wanted to act so I was pumped.
Debra – I recently graduated from online film school and was screening my thesis film about Albanian refugees at the St. Petersburg Conch Shell Cinema. The screening was a success and I was approached by a man who wanted me to design his film. I was already accepted into an internship in LA and had the summer free so I figured some set experience would be nice. He gave me $35 dollars and told me I needed to develop a squid and underwater scene. He then took $10 out of the $35 and told me to meet at the Burg laundromat on Thursday. He then dumped loads of free mints into his bag and walked away.
Chuck Finley – I was friends with Debra at the online film school and she asked if I could go with her to see if this movie was actually legit. I had some reservations but I was so deep in debt from my thesis film about World War 2 ninjas I figured I needed anything for my reel. Also, please stop by worldninjas.fundme.com to help me recoup my loses.
Debra – I was a little worried about bringing Chuck onto the production because he was a real loose cannon and had an almost out of control drug problem. He was a nightmare in the online classes but he helped me edit my film. I didn’t want to go alone to meet Lenny so I figured at the very least Chuck would protect me.
Steve Balsawood – I met the crew at the laundromat and Lenny explained to us that he loved The Room and wanted to make a bad movie that would become a cult classic. He said there was no script or money but he had a pretty good idea of what he wanted. He said we would shoot on weekends and told me I would have to fight a squid, possibly have a love scene and deliver an Academy award winning monologue.
Debra Winger– Lenny once again took $5 out of the $25 I had left and told me I needed a squid to be ready by the following Saturday. The $20 I had was a joke so I took some old PVC pipes and made a cone out of them. I then put a sheet over it and cut out some paper eyes and the squid was born. I knew it was shit but I had to spend the money on making the underwater scene.
The infamous squid.
Chuck Finley – I can’t really explain what Lenny looked like because I was having a lot of personal problems at the time. I do remember that he said nobody would notice that we were going to use the Gulf of Mexico in lieu of a lake. I asked why we didn’t call it “Sea Squid” and he literally stared silently at me for several minutes. He broke the silence by asking me if he could use my cameras and that I could use all the footage later on for my reel. I then asked how the squid could’ve made it into the great lakes. He drew me this picture while staring at me the entire time.
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The first scene took place at Hank Cleveland’s rented house that had a swimming pool.
Steve – The first scene involved me and my girlfriend about to have sex. However, Lenny couldn’t find a woman so it was just me in a raft, in a swimming pool yelling at my girlfriend that I needed to finish my beer before I had sex.
Debra – Setting up the shot was a nightmare because Lenny wanted the camera to be directly above Steve. So, Chuck had to hang from the waterslide while Hank held his feet. I had no money for Squid appendages so I used Hank’s fun noodles that he had next to his pool. Lenny told me it had to be a surprise when I hit Steve. He wanted the reaction to be authentic.
Steve – I remember I was almost done reciting my line “Hold up broad, I’m drinking here” when I see a fast moving noodle in the corner of my eye.
Debra – I didn’t mean to hit him in the eye but the noodles are very unwieldy and I had only previously used them to float around in the ocean.
Chuck – The noodle hit Steve in the eye and he screamed out “Holy shit” and threw his beer bottle in the air. The beer bottle hit Hank in the face and he let go of my leg while yelling “you son of bitch!”. I slid down the slide and my camera hit Hank directly in the nose. Luckily, Debra was able to catch my belt on the way down but the camera lens cracked on Steve’s head. I was one day into the shoot and was already down $1,000 because of the lens and fact that I had to buy all the snacks and beer.
Debra – The shot actually looks kinda cool because it was real blood gushing from Steve’s nose.
Hank – I remember Steve crawling out of the pool and running away. It pissed me off because he got a ton of blood in my house and had hit me in the face with that bottle.
Steve – I was drunk while filming the scene because of all the beer Steve bought. I’m not proud that I ran away from the house but it just felt right.
Sidenote: The scene features zero editing and you can hear Hank in the background yelling “you son of a bitch!” I remember wondering if the blood was real. It was.
With the first week of filming completed the next scene involved Steve fighting a squid underwater. Instead of shooting underwater, Hank’s garage was used instead, This provided an interesting problem for Debra.
Steve Balsawood – The direction for the scene was that I was underwater and the squid was attacking me. Hank was still giving me crap for the beer bottle throw so I couldn’t wait to punch him in the face.
Debra – I bought $20 worth of saran wrap and hung it from the ceiling to make it look like it was underwater. I also drew, cut and pasted several fish onto the plastic wrap. It looked terrible.
The terrible props added to the charm of the film. Thank you Debra for the photos.
Steve – The set was all saran wrap but Lenny loved it. He was very excited about the bed sheet squid and gathered us around to talk about the squid fight. He told us “it needs to be primal and brutal and that Hank and I should not hesitate to throw haymakers at one another. That sounded good to me.
Debra – I gave Hank a helmet to wear under the costume because Steve had a weird look in his eye.
Hank – I tried wearing the helmet but I couldn’t see anything under the sheet. So I decided to not wear it.
Chuck – The fight got off to a rocky start because Hank was inside a bed sheet and could only maneuver his noodle arms like a rower in a ship.
Hank – So I’m rowing my arms trying to hit Steve and Lenny is yelling that we aren’t giving it our all. I accidentally tripped on the sheet and ended up headbutting Steve. That pissed him off so swung a haymaker at me.
Steve – My fist went clean through the sheet and knocked Hank out. He dropped to the floor and Lenny was screaming “keep fighting! Keep fighting!” So, I jumped on top of the squid and crushed the PVC pipe. I then started rolling around on the ground with Hank. I was really floundering so I started slapping Hank to wake him up.
Hank – I don’t know if you’ve ever been knocked out but it is really startling when you wake up. Steve was slapping my face and I was completely surrounded by a dirty sheet and pointy PVC pipes. I kinda went crazy and started swinging and screaming.
Chuck – I’m holding the camera in amazement as Steve and Hank are rolling around on the ground swinging and screaming at each other. Eventually, the massive amounts of saran wrap fell on them and got intertwined between them. It got to the point to where Steve couldn’t move and Hank landed about 40 unanswered hammer punches to the top of Steve’s head.
Steve – I figured the fight would be fair if I let him hit me a bunch of times.
Chuck – It got really brutal but I didn’t want to cut because I felt like they needed to resolve their issues.
Hank – I eventually calmed down and heard Lenny yell “cut!” I ripped off the sheet and saw Steve laying on the ground with a massive black eye and blood streaming from his nose. I guess I blacked out.
Debra – The tension was palpable and it was amazing. I was watching a train wreck and I thought that just maybe this movie could be bad enough to be good.
In the version I saw in the theater the fight lasts nine minutes and features two men rolling around on the ground and screaming obscenities at each other. Steve slaps an unconscious Hank for 90 seconds while taunting him. When Hank wakes up and starts screaming it becomes an animalistic battle between two men who have no idea how to fight. It is uncomfortable yet very watchable. It is never explained why there is a man inside the squid.
Debra – The following Saturday the crew (sans Steve) and I borrowed my dad’s boat and cruised around the ocean and shot about 45 minutes worth of ocean B-roll. I had no clue what the plan was but I remember Lenny saying we needed to film a moment with Steve’s character.
Chuck – Steve wasn’t there so Lenny told me to stand at the front of the boat while Debra filmed me staring at the ocean.
Hank – From what I can remember Chuck had to stand around acting like he was thinking for about ten minutes.
Chuck – It got really uncomfortable on that boat because I had to stare into the sun and think. I had just gotten off a pretty gnarly bender because I do my best drinking during the week. I was definetly dehydrated and was still feeling the effects of whatever I took the night before. The water was really choppy and I was already feeling sick so about five minutes in I started throwing up.
Quick note: During the screening a ten minute song sung by Lenny (?) plays over Chuck staring at the ocean (lake). The music even plays over Chuck’s vomiting which was oddly left in the final film. Also, it is never explained who this puking character is. Here are the some the lyrics that I found in my notes.
Life of the ocean
Squid on the shore
Breathing the lake air
I hope that squid won’t kill more
I don’t know where I am
Or what I wish
My legs can’t stand on water
I hope I don’t land on a fish
Sidenote: The best shot of the entire film is a nice moment involving some Dolphins swimming by the boat. I talked to Chuck and he has no recollection of ever filming this.
The big set piece of the film takes place on a boat and features Steve delivering a show stopping monologue that defeats the squid.
Steve – The big shot of the film was a two page monologue in which I never saw the two pages for. On the day we went to a dock located on a canal and Lenny told me this was my Oscar moment. He handed a napkin that had dialogue written on it and told me to learn it in a half an hour. I didn’t read any of it.
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Debra – Lenny told Hank and I that we were going to be standing on either side of Steve and hit him with fun noodles while he monologues. I guess Steve making a final stand against the squid and was standing tall in the face of attack. Hank was still pretty angry at Steve and it all went downhill from there.
Chuck – Imagine this. A poor guy with obvious problems is standing there reciting an intense monologue while fun noodles are repeatedly hitting him in the nuts and face.
Hank – It wasn’t cool of me but I was still mad about the fight from the previous week. So, Instead of hitting him in the body I hit him about 50 times in the balls.
Steve – When you watch the footage you can actually see me crying. I am not acting, I am actually crying. Also, the last half of that speech I totally made up because my body went into shock.
Chuck – He was crying and driveling on about how the squid never paid him attention and how nobody respected him.
Steve – The whole process brought back some terrible memories.
Debra – When the moment was over everybody was at a loss for words. I was pretty pissed at Hank and poor Steve literally jumped into the canal and swam away.
Chuck – Lenny Loved it. If you listen closely you can hear him laughing constantly and yelling “good, good, people love this stuff!”
Sidenote: I could’ve sworn I heard him yelling this during the scene.
With the film finished Debra brought the final product to theater manager Mason Jar. Mason was the manager of the Conch Shell Cinema and was working on how to compete with the larger theater chains.
Mason – We were a tiny theater that only had three screens. We basically only stayed alive because of out midnight shows featuring Rocky Horror, The Room, Birdemic and Dirty Hofmeyer. You can take a look below and you will see the type of movies our clientele loved.
Mason – When Debra approached me about screening the film I was very excited. I knew her from my semester at the online film school and I trusted her when she told me Squid Lake was pure gold. Anytime I get a chance to screen a terrible movie I jump all over it. I was guaranteed to sell out the theater and keep the doors open for another couple months which was good because I was also living in the theater at the same time.
Steve – Mason was making a huge deal about the screening and I was a little worried about hundreds of people watching me cry and get beat up.
Hank – I really didn’t want to go to the screening because the entire filming process was pretty miserable. However, I wanted to watch Steve get beat up on screen.
Chuck – I couldn’t wait for the screening. I actually set up a booth the day of and tried to sell my World War 2 Samurai Epic beforehand. Please visit http://www.worldninjas.fundme.com
The night of the screening was full of mixed emotions. The 75 minute film featured 40 minutes of ocean footage, a ten minute song and some of the worst cinema known to man. The rowdy crowd was like a rollercoaster of menace and laughter. He was unbeknownst to me at the time but Chuck was working the crowd into a frenzy. The one scene that brought the house down was when actor Steve Balsawood managed to mutter his way through a five minute monologue while repeatedly being struck in the face and nuts. The scene got the audience laughing, then gasping and back to laughing.
Steve – I couldn’t believe the applause the crowd gave me after the screening. I begged for them to carry me out of the theater and they literally didn’t put me down for two hours.
Chuck – The party afterwards got out of hand. I broke my ankle jumping off of a bar roof and eventually we destroyed several store fronts and cars.
Mason – I went looking for Lenny after the show and he was nowhere to be found. He took the DVD, the DVD player and my print of Animal House and vanished.
Debra – We have no clue where he went and what he is going to do with the movie.
Steve – The filming wrecked me emotionally and physically. However, since the screening I’ve been performing a stage reenactment of the film once a month in front of sold out crowds. People have tried to recreate it on film but nothing comes close to what we filmed years ago.
In conclusion.
I have no clue what happened to Lenny and the Squid Lake footage. However, the experience of watching the film with a packed theater is one of the highlights of my young life. I’m hoping this post gets the word out and the movie finally sees the light of day. If you are out there Lenny please let the world watch Squid Lake!
Check out the Sharkdropper podcast featuring an interview with the cast and crew!
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The Revenant: The Most Ambitious Film of 2015
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The Revenant is a sweeping story of revenge, tragedy and chaos. It plays like The Grey met The New World and teamed up with Blood Meridian and Gravity. The book adaptation is a bonkers tale of survival that features some of the most beautiful images of 2015. After watching the film you understand why we’ve heard countless stories about the difficulty of the nine month shoot. You feel the cold and the crew must have been miserable when creating this spectacle. I guarantee that aside from Mad Max: Fury Road, The Revenant is the most ambitious piece of film making of 2015.
Nobody had to “act” cold in The Revenant.
What makes The Revenant stand apart from other films are its focus on show stopping moments. You get the feeling it was built around a few key scenes and after reading what director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu had to say I understand why. In an interview with Deadline Inarritu talked about his style of filming.
“It was planned this way, to be little-by-little jewel moments; that’s the way I designed the production. That was both to create intensity in this moments, as well as the climate conditions. We are shooting in such remote far-away locations that, by the time we arrive and have to return, we have already spent 40% of the day. But those locations are so gorgeous and so powerful, they look like they have never been touched by a human being, and that’s what I needed. The light is very reduced here in winter, and we are not shooting with any electrical lighting, just natural light. And every single scene is so difficult — emotionally, technically. I’ve gotten myself in trouble again, but I’m trying my best,”
This may sound crazy but the focus on “jewel moments” took away from the flow of the movie. Every moment is perfectly filmed and the barren locations aide the danger but I have a feeling that Inarritu let the film get away from him. I feel like Innaritu wanted to do his best Terrence Malick and still provide the big action beats. I am not saying that The Revenant is a disappointment. It is incredibly ambitious and captures ugliness surrounded by beautiful vistas. However, in its desire to showboat the narrative becomes disjointed and not entirely organic. There are movies with disjointed narratives that are absolute classics. Movies like Apocalypse Now, The New World, The Assassination of Jessie James by the Coward Robert Ford, The Wild Bunch and the book Blood Meridian don’t follow ABC structures but they are damn near perfect and feature suitable character moments.
The story revolves around a group of animal trappers who might have the worst job on the planet. The trappers are a rough crew who have exiled themselves in order to make good money for dangerous work. The work is treacherous and they are constantly under attack from an understandably annoyed group of native Americans. After a vicious attack the group is separated and a guide named Hugh Glass (Leonardo DiCaprio) gets viciously attacked by a bear. The crew try to carry him but with the threat of Indian attack they leave Glass behind with his son and loose canon trapper John Fitzgerald (Tom Hardy). Thing go awry and it becomes a story of revenge and survival.
The actors had to endure nine months of acting in inhospitable climates and you can tell they were all in. There are moments when you are wondering how they didn’t suffer from frostbite or were plagued with disease. Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hardy, Domhnall Gleeson and Will Poulter are perfectly cast and you have to respect their respect of the insane filming process.
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The buzz around DiCaprio’s performance is warranted and it will be hard for voters to not remember him come awards time. DiCaprio growls, crawls and stumbles around in an exhausting manner. He layers his performance with believable physicality and holds his own against the always intimidating Tom Hardy. Hardy’s Fitzgerald is a force of nature that is equal parts terrible and understandable. He is a person who wants to survive and has seen more violence than any man should. You believe he could survive in the wilderness and has no problem doing whatever he can to live. I was happy to see Domhnall Gleeson featured heavily as an out of his league Captain named Andrew Henry. He wants to do the right thing but doesn’t command the respect of the killers around him.
The Revenant is an incredibly ambitious and powerful film. My only complaint is how disjointed it feels. It wants to be Malick but have its violent cake too. It is the vision of one man and that needs to be respected. However, I found myself comparing it to other films and finding myself taken out of the narrative. The Revenant is a visual marvel that lacks the necessary original character moments to make me become invested in the characters.
I 100% recommend you check it out in the theaters because ambitious and beautifully shot films like this don’t come around very often.
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John’s Horror Corner: Victor Frankenstein (2015), much more than a monster movie but far from a great movie.
MY CALL: Critics may justly tear it apart for its screaming exposition and limp secondary characters, but ultimately I thought this was spectacular popcorn entertainment and the Ratcliffe-McAvoy chemistry is fantastic. MOVIES LIKE Victor Frankenstein: The Bride (1985), Re-Animator (1985) and Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (1994) all offer tellings of monstrous creations whereas Sherlock Holmes (2009) and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012) capture the mass action entertainment appeal and style.
Director Paul McGuigan (Push, Lucky Number Slevin) and writer Max Landis (Chronicle) have both proven their ability to successfully weave stylistically unconventional stories. So imagine how thrilled I was to see them teaming up to retell Mary Shelley’s harrowing tale of hubris, creation, obsession and playing God. But whereas past approaches to the story orbit the notion of reanimating a stitch-work monster and the inevitably ensuing consequences, this story instead focuses more on the journey of “the man” than his monstrous creation and serves perhaps as more of a cautionary prequel to the more familiar story of Frankenstein’s monster.
Rather than simply expounding on the life of Victor Frankenstein (James McAvoy; X-Men: First Class), we have the story presented more from the perspective of a briefly hunchbacked Igor (Daniel Radcliffe; Horns, The Woman in Black). These two share a brilliant, boisterous, aggressive on-screen bromance, which is truly the selling point of the movie. Not the monster, not the creations, not the alchemy…but the exchanges they share; Victor’s monologues of rage and rhapsody, and Igor’s attempts at mitigating reason while getting caught up in the addictive synergy of scientific discovery.
The characters have their emotional ups and downs.
After seeing the trailer, this film probably already looked strangely familiar to everyone—and visually scintillating. It didn’t quite grasp the grandiose Sherlock Holmesian atmospheric scale…but it got hold of just enough of that splendor to please. You’ll even recognize the identical Holmes/Watson character dynamic as if Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr were meant to read the lines for Sherlock part 3. My opinion was admittedly guarded and dubious at best in the first 20 minutes, unsure of where this was all heading. But I found myself less critical and simply enjoying it more and more as each chapter unfolded before my eyes across impressive cityscapes and mechanized laboratories. This was much more than what some feared might have simply been just “a Frankenstein’s monster” movie with a bigger budget and cast.
Partners in good times and bad.
The downfall of the film is its coarseness. There is zero subtlety. Consider the phrase “if someone has to explain to you that they’re important, then they’re not.” Victor Frankenstein doesn‘t “show us” that he’s obsessed, narcissistic and socially disconnected. No, Victor himself screams it at us with frothy saliva rabidly flaring from his mouth. It’s certainly entertaining and commands attention—you’d literally have to be deaf not to be captivated—but it lacks the satisfaction earned by the careful revelation of nuance and story development; a fine trait completely lacking in this film.
An interesting and unexpected strength of the film was the antagonist, Inspector Turpin (Andrew Scott; Spectre, Sherlock), a deeply pious detective whose drive to halt Victor’s blasphemous experiments were more personal and morally driven than professional; a witch trial would be a good analogy. But again, he “explains” everything about Victor’s God-offending actions not just to the audience, but with Victor’s face knowingly grinning back at him. The Turpin character is performed well, but the writing and direction transmuted him (and all other aspects of the movie) into something too blatant to be considered “great.” There isn’t a laugh, line or even facial expression that isn’t somehow loud.
This cacophonous film was a visual joy that features so-so writing rescued by the Ratcliffe-McAvoy chemistry. Sadly other than Turpin (somewhat), Victor and Igor, all other characters are somewhat forced upon us and feel underwritten. Turpin would have benefited from more development and subtlety; but then, NOTHING about this film is subtle.
Critics may justly tear it apart for its screaming exposition and limp secondary characters, but ultimately I thought this was spectacular entertainment. I really enjoyed it and can’t wait to buy the Blu-Ray.
Movies, Films & Flix 