MY CALL: 20 great gory good-versus-evil minutes numbed by a stagnant 75 minute middle. See this flick, but exercise your fast forward function. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Unholy: Want to see the unholy done well? Then I’d instead turn you to Stigmata (1999), Angel Heart (1987), Constantine (2005), The Seventh Sign (1988), The Prophecy (1995) or The Last Exorcism (2010).
The tone for this classy flick is set in the opening scene as a redhead in a completely transparent negligee seduces a Catholic priest mid-prayer. This had me very worried that I was in for a smutty horror movie. Thankfully, after a quick kiss (probably denoting the priest succumbing to temptation), she slashes his throat and leaves a gore-slathered gash that made the horrorhound in me gleefully “SQUEEEE” with joy.
So, to clarify, that’s both babes and blood’n guts in the first five minutes. This should be good! I’ll repeat a key word here…should be good.
Recently and unexpectedly appointed, Father Michael (Ben Cross; Exorcist: The Beginning, Star Trek) joins and re-opens Saint Agnes Church after he miraculously survives a fall from a building without injury. Saint Agnes was closed after its two former priests died at the hand of a demon referred to as “The Unholy.” Okay, could be cool, right? Right…?
Unfortunately it seems to take this movie forever to get back to the fun. We had boobs and blood in the first few minutes, then nothing but boredom for the next 75–during which the most Satanic thing we see is a possessed stirring rod, a windy bedroom and a crotch full of snakes. I get that a crotch full of snakes sounds awesome, but they found a way to make it lame just for this movie. Unlike so much other 80s horror, this film takes itself 100% seriously. There are no tongue-in-cheek lines or deliberately ironic death scenes.
No, instead of filling screen time with fun, this film attempts to spin a thick web of drama…and fails! This movie even managed to make call girls, insane asylums and Satanic cults come off as boring. Now, I must admit I laughed during a stupid scene when Father Michael’s dead predecessor calls him on the phone from Hell. But overall this is numbingly dull.
So after a good five-minute opener followed by an unwarrantedly boring 75 minutes, our movie is finally reignited by a good old-fashioned gory disembowelment, some burning corpses, a dude vomiting a couple gallons of blood…oh, and the seductress from the opening scene is back. You now have my attention!
It turns out our naked seductress is the demon Desidarius and, with the help of a fog machine, she transforms into a monstrous infernal quadruped assisted by some little toddler demons. The finale is loaded with fun, weird, gory, sexual and disturbing imagery, and we get to see a lot of our demon monster.
How about a kiss?
These little guys remind me of when Craig T. Nelson vomits a whole dude in Poltergeist II.
Wait a minute! Is that little guy dancing?
My best advice to you would be to watch this movie for 5 minutes, then fast forward through the next 75 to the closing sequence. That will turn a largely boring movie into a way-fun 20 minute gore romp.
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Hours: Paul Walker’s Finest Moment
Kurt Russell recently did an interview with Collider where he had this to say about Paul Walker:
I sensed that this was a guy who enjoyed many things in his life and was very appreciative, but was also getting to a point where he wanted to begin to seriously, in an artistic sense, explore what would excite him and find out where he might go. He was literally just turning that page and just saying that he wanted to peak onto the other side, and then he was out.
Hours is Paul Walker wanting to see where he could go. There are no fast cars, sharks, or scantily clad women to distract from his acting. In Hours he can’t fade into the background because the camera is always in front of him. Because of this he gives his best performance since Running Scared and is able to hold the camera for 90 minutes. Most importantly, the film builds to a powerful climax that may be Walker’s finest moment on screen.
Hours is the story of a man trying to keep his baby alive during Hurricane Katrina. His wife died delivering the premature baby and due to underdeveloped lungs the infant is forced to stay on a ventilator for 48 hours. The problem is the hurricane wipes out the power and leaves Walker alone in the hospital with a hand-cranked generator that only keeps a three minute charge.
The three minute charge doesn’t allow Walker to sleep and forces him to stay close to the baby while waiting out the storm. The set up is inventive and I like how Katrina isn’t used gratuitously. Many of the people who worked on the film suffered through Katrina and because of this Walker felt he had to bring his best. I like knowing that he wanted more and put himself in situations where he had to act and get out of his comfort zone.
There are several problems with the film. The quiet moments are interrupted by underwritten bad guys who are cartoonishly villainous. I understand a hospital would be a prime target to pilfer during a natural disaster. However, introducing new people into the story hurt the flow and felt like manicured interruptions. You wish the director would have simply allowed Walker to do his thing. There is an earnestness to his performance that showcases his ability to relax and make his dialogue fresh. He is believable as he tells his baby daughter about her mom and how they first met (they stopped a bank robber).
I wanted it to be more like the fantastic 2013 film All is Lost. All is a harrowing story of survival that let Robert Redford own the screen while staying almost silent. He didn’t need to explain everything whilst talking to himself. You figured out his character by actions. I understand that out of sheer grief and delirium Walker would be talking to his baby. However, he didn’t have to say “I need batteries” as the charge is going down. I wish they would have let Walker perform silently as opposed to giving us a running narrative.
Hours is a neat little film that proves Walker was capable of more. His relaxed presence and the moving finale make this a film worth watching. If you are a Walker fan I totally recommend checking out Hours.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Pompeii and the Explosion of Dumb
Spoilers Abound!
Pompeii tells the age old story of love in the time of ash and lava. This sweeping love story from the director of Mortal Kombat, Resident Evil and Three Musketeers is as subtle as Vesuvius and as intelligent as the rocks spewing from it. Pompeii is a dumbed down Titanic that totally redeems itself via odd directing choices and accidental hilarity.
Pompeii is a quirky little thing that is loaded with unintentional laughs, wonky accents (British? Irish? Italian? I think Sutherland made up an accent) and the greatest bro-hug ever. Imagine if 2012, Gladiator, Bloodrayne, Titanic, Romeo & Juliet, Tristan & Isolde, Centurion, In the Name of the King and The Three Musketeers were mixed together then rewritten by Paul W.S. Anderson. Pompeii is an amalgamation of illogical weirdness and irrelevant fluff.
The plot is all happenstance and features a meet cute via horse neck snapping. The two lovers rarely spend time together and the only moment they are alone results in painful yet quick healing lashes. Eventually, things go boom, revenge is had, peasants get crunched and only Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje seems to know he is in a bad movie.
Take a look at the above poster. The two leads are having a smooching session amid chaos. I understand they are a tragic couple. However, I 100% believe they could’ve survived had they not sauntered so much. If they would have jogged away we could have enjoyed Pompeii 2: Why did we vacation near Mount St. Helens? Other characters in similar films survived by hightailing it to safety. In the photos for Dante’s Peak and Volcano the characters are running or looking concerned while walking away from the deadly fire.
Now, take another look at Pompeii’s couple as they look relaxed in the chaos.
These people survived by running!
These two weren’t lucky enough to have running in the script.
Paul W.S. Anderson has had a fruitful career in Hollywood by directing money making hokum (I’ve watched them all and keep coming back). His highest rated film on Rotten Tomatoes is the 43% Death Race. His other films The Three Musketeers, Resident Evil, Event Horizon, Mortal Kombat, Soldier, AVP and now Pompeii have all felt like other better films. There are moments of creative talent (Horizon hell scenes, Orlando Bloom’s hair in Musketeers, light grid scene in Resident) but for the most part Anderson has simultaneously annoyed and captured the nerd zeitgeist.
Sidenote: Gotta love Bloom’s hair.
Pompeii feels like a step in the wrong direction. Never before have Anderson’s films felt so unintelligible or unintentionally hilarious. It felt more like In the Name of the King (Never a good thing to be compared to a Uwe Boll film) then Tristan & Isolde. I am going out on a limb here but I’d wager Kit Harrington wins the hair battle between he and James Franco.
Pompeii is pure dumb that is punctuated by really bad decisions. It is an enjoyable romp that will make perfect FX foder for insomniacs and college students for years to come. It was never meant to be good. It was only meant to entertain. It may be a step back for Anderson but at least we now have the visual of peasants being clunked on the heads by tiny rocks in the canon of film.
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Hello all. Mark here.
The Oscars are upon us and I’ve decided to share my predictions. They are all fairly stock but I’ve decided to pick with logic and not my heart. It is an interesting field this year with several close races (Editing, Picture, Director, Short live action film, Doc) which make the Oscars fairly intriguing.
Here are the predictions! Enjoy.
If you bet big and win I get 7%. However, if you lose big…….My bad.
1. Best Picture – 12.36 Years a Slave
2. Best Actress – Cate “Makes losing your mind dignified” Blanchett
3. Best Actor – McC Wooderson
4. Best Supporting Actress – Lupita (I regret being in Non-Stop) N’yong’o
5. Best Supporting Actor – Jordan Catalano
6. Best Director – Steve “Don’t call me Great Escape” McQueen
7. Best Adapted Screenplay – 12 Years A Slave
8. Best Original Screenplay and Mustache – Her
9. Best Animated Feature and Song – Frozen
10. Best Visual Effects, Sound Editing, Editing, Sound Mixing, Score and Cinematography – Gravity
11. Best High Waisted Pants – Her
12. Best Documentary – 20 Feet From Stardom (Should be Act of Killing)
13. Best Voice Acting – ScarJo in Don Jon and Her
14. Best Costumes and Production Design – Great Gatsby
15. Best Makeup – Dallas Buyers Club
16. Best Performance That Gets No Love – Jake Gyllenhaal – Prisoners
17. Best Dad – Bill Nighy – About Time
18 Best Short Stuff – Get A Horse, The Lady in 6, Helium
19. Best Foreign Film – The Great Beauty
There you have it!
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The Family: Luc Besson’s Live Action Cartoon
Now that The Family has settled into domestication on Blu-ray I think the film will find an audience. Shakespeare it ain’t but I think the tonally odd film will find a cult audience. Viewers will be drawn to the live action cartoon that is punctuated by ultra-violence, irresponsible murder and cheeky humor.
Critics and audiences had a hard time figuring out what this little hybrid was all about. The premise is simple. Mafia family in witness protection has to deal with French culture and constant hunting from vengeful mob hitmen. However, they still murder people, have little patience and occasionally blow up French convenience stores. It doesn’t fit any genre and cannot be summarized because of all the combating elements. You have the familiar fish out of water element but you also have a subplot about DeNiro fixing the town’s brown water problem by brutally hurting government officials and plumbers.
The Family treats suicide, cold blooded murder, romance, torture, student/teacher sex, blood, explosions and more cold blooded murder with humor and it gets weird. It is like Dianna Agron’s character. Seemingly normal, super violent and sorta insane.
Stephen Holden of NYT summed up the film with this quote:
It doesn’t even try for basic credibility. But buoyed by hot performances, it sustains a zapping electrical energy. It might be described as screwball noir. If there aren’t a lot of belly laughs, The Family stirs up an appalled amusement at its gleeful amorality. Some of the heartiest laughs come from the grisly scenes of Giovanni triumphantly venting his rage when he doesn’t get instant gratification or feels disrespected.
When I used the phrase “tonally odd” I mean that it is never structured. The progression of the movie flips between appalling casual violence, coincidences (the newspaper scene is insane), family dinners, flashbacks, daydreams, Goodfellas screenings and a grumpy Tommy Lee Jones. You could throw boulders through the plot holes but that would be too easy. The film is likable because you realize it is a cartoon from the guy who made Leon and The Fifth Element. His movies have always had an odd edge and The Family is no different.
The Family seemed like a mainstream film but surprised many with its quirks and violence. The stunt casting of mafia film vets DeNiro and Pfeiffer felt lazy to some but I didn’t mind seeing them in such an offbeat affair. The Family will not be for everyone but I was able to go along for the ride. Change your expectations, revel in the eccentricity and watch out for tennis rackets.
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MY CALL: AMAZING acting and crushingly real character transformations make Lovelace a great film worthy of a bigger release than it received. MOVIES LIKE Lovelace: The People versus Larry Flint (1996), Boogie Nights (1997) and 54 (1998).
This is the story of Linda “Lovelace” Boreman, her 17 day career in the porn industry making Deep Throat, and her painful before and after.
Rising from prudish origins in 1970 Florida, Linda (Amanda Seyfried; Epic, Les Miserables) is discovered go-go dancing at a skating rink by a deliciously sleazy Chuck (Peter Sarsgaard; Green Lantern, Rendition). Chuck is charming and cleverly manipulative as he caters to Linda’s insecurity and emotional shortcomings. In no time at all he moves her into his home, “teaches” her the oral techniques that brought her fame, and infuses her with a sense of confidence and belonging that she clearly never before felt living with her abrasive parents (Sharon Stone and Robert Patrick).
Sorry, guys, if I’m throwing you under the bus here. But, women, NEVER trust a man with facial hair like this. NEVER!
Swiftly after their wedding, Linda learns of Chuck’s (now “their”) financial problems. So they meet with pornographers Butchie (Bobby Cannavale; Parker, Win Win) and Gerry (Hank Azaria; Hop, Love and Other Drugs), impressed by her oral gifts.
The characters of Gerry and Butchie were both performed superbly. They are such nice guys you just want to invite them to your grandmother’s 90th birthday.
All of the characters we meet in the adult film industry are charming. Not just smooth, silver-tongued devils wooing Linda into the industry, but properly kind, sweet individuals who are grateful to be working with her. Butchie and Gerry are nothing if not endearingly played. Porn star Harry (Adam Brody; Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, Scream 4) is immediately likable. Her promo photographer (Wes Bentley; The Hunger Games) teaches her to feel beautiful and comfortable in front of the camera. And Hugh Hefner (James Franco; This is the End, Oz the Great and Powerful) candidly impresses on her that she is more than simply a porn star.
James Franco as Hugh Hefner. This just made sense! Good casting.
As Linda is transitioning into porn stardom, and with every invitingly kind pornographer we meet, we find Chuck becoming increasingly jealous and abusive. He slowly becomes all of the things (and so much worse) that she was fleeing when she ran into his arms.
The hangover of her manipulated path to stardom–the revelation of the frailty hiding behind the illusions and the sadness behind the glamour–is all too familiar. The People versus Larry Flint (1996), Boogie Nights (1997) and 54 (1998) find their characters fragmented and their souls disarticulated before our eyes in crushing reality much as we find with Linda’s transformation.
All of the actors embraced their characters and did an amazing job; AMAZING. This film received little attention or advertising regarding its release and this is a shame. I hope more people eventually find their way to this excellent film.
SAD FACT: Deep throat made $600 million. Linda made $1,250.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Runner “Expository Dialogue” Runner
“You’re about to jet off to a country you’ve never been to, with a language you do not speak.”
Runner Runner is a film where everything is explained to you. When it isn’t explained Timberlake asks “What is this?” or “what are we doing here?” Then, Affleck’s character Ivan explains everything and Timberlake says “What is wrong with you?”
The tagline from the poster is “You have no idea who you’re playing with.” The problem is you know exactly who you are playing with. There is nothing new about the characters and it all builds towards double crosses, triple crosses and one more double cross showing how “smart” the main character is. The writing isn’t simply on the wall it is in block letters displayed for everyone to see. Thus, there is zero tension and instead the whole thing becomes kinda funny. Where else will you hear Affleck tell Timberlake:
This is the gambling business in Costa Rica. Occasionally you get punched in the face.
Runner Runner tells the story of a bunch of dudes (and one lady. Gemma Arterton you are better than this) entrenched in the high stakes world of online gambling. Basically, these people are rich but choose to be super rich. They enjoy bikini clad women, stacks of cash and play on the basketball teams that they own. They also have every chance to get away with their money but choose to make more (cue the face punching). The problems are self inflicted and you never care as death via crocodile becomes a reality. Ben Affleck evens warns Timberlake when he says:
If you want a a safer job go work for the post office. If you want a clear conscience go start a charity. If you want your own F**king island and your boss says you have to take a beating. Take it (cue more face punching).
Justin Timberlake is woefully miscast. His character is supposed to be ridiculously smart (we are told this a lot) but comes across as kinda dim (For a smart kid you do some really dumb stuff). His motor mouthed skills worked in Social Network but here he has to navigate tough, smart, dumb, confused and confident with no help from the script (cue expository dialogue to tell us everything!). He is too likable to be a jerk and too manicured to be tough. The character should have been a mousy/intelligent man who loves the dangerous world because he never would have experienced it anywhere else. Timberlake’s character could easily go back to school and live a good life.
Ben Affleck seems to be having a good time as a deadly man who loves crocodiles and hair product. Critics were divided on the character. They either appreciated the performance or called his character a “ludicrously preened tosser.” Either way, he is the only good part of Runner Runner because he breaks the generic mode and comes across as a new age bro-villain.
The director Brad Furman also made the wonderful Lincoln Lawyer. It was a grimy delight that revived Matthew McConaughey’s career and was a sleeper hit. Lawyer’s old school vibe isn’t here as everything looks too glossy and the material feels too written. I was disappointed as the negative reviews poured in and the general consensus was that the film was “clunky.” It wants to be an R rated film but feels like a PG-13 flick.
Runner Runner is not a good film. It tells you everything, tells you again and builds to a climax so easy you slap your head. However, I would love to see a bro-Batman ruling the streets of Gotham.
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John’s Horror Corner: The Haunting of Helena (2013), a dark fairy tale about a vengeful Tooth Fairy
MY CALL: This movie was good, but the key word here is creepy. Good old-fashioned creepy storytelling done well with an excellent creepy atmosphere. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Haunting of Helena: Darkness Falls (2003), Mama (2013) and Haunt (2013). Maybe even The Possession (2012)? Perhaps Dead Silence (2007) or The Uninvited (2009)… just to take a few more stabs in the dark.
Written and produced by rookie filmmakers, the long-short of it all is this: In this twisted take on the “tooth fairy” fairy tale, an Italian Malaria ghost wants her teeth back and she’ll kill as many innocent people as it takes until one of them happens to randomly figure out why she’s killing, what she wants and where to find it.
The story begins when young Helena notices her first loose tooth and inquires about the tooth fairy. Her mother Sophia, like any loving parent, humors her with an all too familiar story. But for the “horror” in this story to take root something must go wrong for Helena and her single mother.
This evil enters their lives after they get a cursed wardrobe with claw marks on the inside. Maybe it’s just me and I’m just paranoid or superstitious, but upon seeing claw marks on the inside of a lockable “anything” I’d think twice about it. Like an imprisoning lamp to its genie, this wardrobe had–until now–kept an evil restless spirit at bay.
This is the face I would make when I saw the claw marks “inside” the wardrobe!
Following familiar formula, the young child in our story begins to act strangely. Helena buys teeth from her elementary school classmates in the schoolyard with curiously old coins which she couldn’t possibly have stumbled across on her own. She also begins producing disturbing drawings.
From there some very creepy things happen, Helena begins talking to an “imaginary” friend, and there are some good scares along the way. Many scenes were VERY chilling.
This young actress’ soulful eyes worked wonders for the creepy atmosphere of this film.
There’s a twist at the end. It was unnecessary; the movie was fine without it. But I had fun with it anyway and it added another dimension to the solid storytelling.
This is no must-see sensation, but it was done very well and it would be a worthy contribution to a dark and stormy night (alone or with a date, etc.). The ghost is presented with fine effects; our evil tooth fairy is creepy, disturbing and nuanced.
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Short Term 12: An Authentic and Incisive Tale of Growing Up
Short Term 12 is the story of a twenty-something named Grace who works at a home for at risk teens. She invests herself fully in the work while pushing her own problems aside. Her journey immerses you into the world and the film is a marvel of authenticity and beautiful moments.
The movie has a heart and soul and you can tell the director has a familiarity with the material. Daniel Cretton infuses the film with a naturalness that evades melodrama and captures a realism rarely seen on film. His experiences working in a similar teen home and 2009 short film of the same name have molded the 96 minutes into a miniature truth bomb. There is no cure-all for these people. The damage is irreparable and the only way to move forward is to understand the problems while moving onward cautiously.
I thought about the song Falling Slowly from the film Once when watching Short Term 12. I know the lyrics are out of context but they fit the film well. Here they are:
Well, you have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you wonTake this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
You’ve made it now
The characters have suffered, warred and been stuck in a sinking ship. However, they can allow the ship to sink or they can attempt to make it back to shore. Some of them will never have a chance and for others the journey won’t be easy. There will always be physical/psychological leaks. However, when there is hope and friendship they can make their way towards something to live and strive for.
The small moments in Short Term 12 easily eclipse the big sweeping emotions of most films. For instance, the only thing one of the residents wants for his 18th birthday is to have his head shaved. He has always wanted to shave his head but was self-conscious about the bumps and bruises that his mom inflicted upon him. The scene breaks your heart as he feels his newly shaved head for the remnants left by his mom. There are no bumps and that feeling provides catharsis for the character.
Brie Larson had a wonderful 2013. Her characters in Spectacular Now, Don Jon and Short Term 12 are all different and could have been stock characters. She transformed the ex-girlfriend, younger sister, troubled twenty-something into three-dimensional characters with depth. She can do a lot with little and that is evident in Short Term 12. She is tough yet fragile. She is weary yet wants to be loved by her kind boyfriend. She wants the teenagers to open up yet can’t talk about her problems. Her character is explained beautifully in an exchange with her boyfriend.
Grace: Why are you so nice to me?
Mason: You being serious now? Well, it’s easy. It’s because you are the weirdest, most beautiful person that I’ve ever met in my whole entire life.
Short Term 12 is a fantastic film that will linger in your memory. It will be a springboard for everyone involved and hopefully will find a bigger audience. Watch it and let me know what you think.
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John’s Horror Corner: Haunter (2013), a “reverse haunting” mingling teen angst, family-friendly horror and surreal storytelling
MY CALL: To an adult horrorhound this may be more interesting than satisfying; teen angst meets PG-13 family-friendly horror and cleverly surreal storytelling in this highly original film. MORE MOVIES LIKE Haunter: With such “gentle” scares, I’d call this a horror movie for beginners or family nights. As such, being a bit more hardcore with my horror, I don’t have anything to suggest.
This film approaches an all too familiar idea (i.e., a haunted house story) from a new perspective. On an inordinately foggy day we meet Lisa (Abigail Breslin; Zombieland, Signs, The Call). In many ways Lisa is the prototypical American teen–moody, attitudinal, and her parents just don’t get her. But in one way she’s not like the typical teen: she and her family are reliving the same day of their life over and over again and Lisa is the only one who sees what’s happening or has any idea why.
Creative shots illustrate the seclusion of their house in the fog and their boringly repetitive life/day. The same mac and cheese for lunch–every day, the same conversation with her mother–every day, the same episode of Murder She Wrote every night–every day… this Groundhog Day scenario has been wearing on Lisa’s patience and sanity alike. But one day strange things start happening around the house and Lisa’s angsty teen life becomes a little more interesting.
Slamming doors, strange sounds, voices, shadows and secret keys to secret doors; it seems that Lisa’s house is haunted and only Lisa knows it. But there’s something very different about this haunting…
To say much more would ruin this movie and, honestly, most reviews and trailers risk giving away the well-crafted surprises that makes this story so original.
The scares are hardly as “scary” as your typical jump scares–hardly startling to the seasoned horrorhound making it feel very much the humble PG-13 that it is. I’d go so far as to call this movie family-friendly. There is also no gore, nudity or profanity. This film relies entirely on Lisa’s perception and the surreal storytelling that ebbs and flows around her.
Director Vincenzo Natali (Cube, Splice) does a fine job here making a more “wholesome” horror film, but I feel that this entry to the genre will be lost on most mature horror-goers unless they’re looking for something non-Disney to watch with their kids. Natali has had a lot of experience as a storyboard artist (Ginger Snaps, Johnny Mnemonic, Eek the Cat and the Beetlejuice cartoon, to name the freaky and oddball work) and his mind is designed to form twisted, weird, slapstick, moral-testing, brutal scenarios. I applaud this work and respect it. However, I look forward to his future endeavors aimed more for lovers of gore, tension and, well, “horror.”
Movies, Films & Flix 