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John’s Old School Horror Corner: Contamination (1980) aka Alien Contamination, a cheap, poorly executed, un-thought-out Alien rip-off.

October 20, 2013

MovieScreams!

MY CALL:  As tasteful and organized as a man’s detonated entrails, this movie is a cheap, poorly executed, un-thought-out Alien rip-off.  After the first couple scenes it loses any promise of being a fun “bad” horror flick.  I’ll give it a “D” only because I enjoyed the beginning.  WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD:  Just stick to Alien and The Thing (1982) if you want an alien-contamination creep show. IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH:  Probably any “Roger Corman presents” classic.  Other gory sci-fi horror of the era include Galaxy of Terror (1981), Forbidden World (1982) and Inseminoid (1982).

This corridor looks nothing like the corridor in Alien.

A strange, unmanned Caribbean ship approaches a New York harbor and is quarantined.  Upon investigation, members of the crew are found “ripped apart” to various degrees, one of whom evidently appeared to have exploded like a small bomb was inside his chest.  They also find a huge shipment of coffee bean boxes filled with over-sized avocado-like egg things that are bioluminescent, pulsating, somewhat translucent and covered in green ooze.

These eggs should clearly come with a warning label indicating that handling them results in their detonation, spraying you with acid, and somehow causing your chest to explode.  These “eggs” turn out to be more than just eggs and—dun, dun, duuuuuuuun—of alien origin.

Our investigators discover a warehouse full of them in the Bronx.  They connect the dots to an international conspiracy which includes NASA and the Colombian coffee industry.  This may sound exciting, but after the first 20 minutes (which were delightfully gore-tastic) this movie really slows down to a disinteresting pace where scenes devoid of action are needlessly dragged out.  Clearly this flick was made to prey on sci-fi fans left hungry for more since the release of Alien, which also had chest-burst-inducing, extraterrestrial, acidic, slimy eggs.  What a coinky-dink, right?

The concepts are conveyed poorly and the three portions of the movie (the first 20 minutes, the next hour, and the last 20 minutes) each included a new plot element which linked poorly, if at all, to the others.  The makers of this atrocious flick clearly had no idea what they were doing and forced out this movie with all the grace of passing a kidney stone.  Don’t watch this unless you stop it after they investigate the ship in the very beginning.

FYI:  This movie was Contamination but then retitled Alien Contamination in 1982.  You’ll find both on Amazon with the exact same info.  The catchphrase on the movie poster “You will feel them in your blood” does not apply to any single aspect of this movie at all!  WTF!?!

John’s Horror Corner: Meridian (1990), a Beauty and the Beast romantic fantasy story crafted by a horrorsmith

October 19, 2013

MY CALL:  This is a Beauty and the Beast romantic fantasy story crafted by a horrorsmith using horror elements.  Surprisingly good!  MOVIES LIKE Meridian:  Another odd but love-oriented and worthy Full Moon release is Dark Angel: The Ascent (1994).  This isn’t the only movie to use an art restorer as a vector for evil curses.  Mother of Tears (2007) did the same to a much less romantic and waaaaay more gory end.  Looking for another werewolf love story, then try out the Underworld franchise (2003-2011).

Director Charles Band (the Puppet Master, Subspecies, Ghoulies and Trancers franchises) in this more seriously approached, surprisingly good Full Moon romantic fantasy-horror release.

Two attractive American women find themselves in Italy after graduating from art school.  Gina (Charlie Spradling; Bad Channels, Puppet Master II, The Blob) is working in art restoration and her friend Catherine (Sherilyn Fenn; Boxing Helena, The Wraith) has just inherited a castle.  The castle comes with a curse about some wizard who built the castle and cursed people by turning them to stone–and there are loads of statues.

After enjoying a traveling carnival attraction complete with a dwarf  (Phil Fondacaro [pictured above]; Troll, Ghoulies II, The Creeps), strong man, snake charmer, fire eater, belly dancer, magician and other carney weirdoes.  Looking for some interesting company, Gina and Catherine invite the performers to dinner, after which they are drugged and sensually “taken” by the magician.  But the strange thing is–because, no, we haven’t hit the strange part yet–the magician has a twin brother whose werewolf roots become most evident in coitus.

Sex in horror comes basically down to this: if you’re not having sex with the killer, then you’ll be killed for having sex.

The next morning the girls have little recollection of what events transpired and Catherine’s nanny (Hilary Mason; Dolls, Don’t Look Now, Robot Jox) is left to clean up the mess.  Later Catherine is plagued by visions of a murdered young woman.  The nanny reveals that the “vision” is linked to the castle’s curse, Gina’s recent work on a painting is connected to it, and that Catherine is the next!

The effects and action are the primary weak points of this film.  The transformation scenes are mostly reduced to frame shifts between human and werewolf form (i.e., there is not much of an on camera “transformation” at all), the werewolf make-up is unimpressive, the limited action is implied more than really being delivered, and there are no scares.  But “horror” wasn’t really the point of this film, implied violence was all that was necessary for the story to be effective, and the lack of scares was intentional and not a product of shoddy direction.  This is more of a romantic fantasy story crafted by a horrorsmith using some horror elements.

This film revealed that Charles Band is capable of so much more than his campy, gory horror.  The sexuality of the magician and his twin tender a strong dichotomy.  The magician is cruel, manipulative and lustful whereas his werewolf twin is gentle, protective and passionate.  The werewolf offers a more Beauty and the Beast sense of fantasy.

Not to knock this movie, but it’s interesting timing that this movie was released just as Ron Perlman and Linda Hamilton’s Beauty and the Beast series (1987-1990) was coming to a close.

This was surprisingly good!  Really.

John’s Horror Corner: Doctor Mordrid, Master of the Unknown (1992)

October 18, 2013

MY CALL:  This is a slightly less campy take on Flash Gordon meets Dungeons and Dragons.  It’s bad, it’s funny (perhaps unintentionally) and it has Jeffrey Combs.  And that’s enough for me to want to see it.  MOVIES LIKE Doctor Mordrid Master of the Unknown:  Another odd but worthy Full Moon release is Dark Angel: The Ascent (1994).

Directors Albert Band (Ghoulies II, Robot Wars) and Charles Band (the Puppet Master, Subspecies, Ghoulies and Trancers franchises) have concocted a 74 minute wizard’s duel based on Marvel’s Dr. Strange in this Full Moon release.

“The Death’s Head will seek you out,” speaks some greater power from beyond to Doctor Mordrid (Jeffrey Combs; Re-Animator, The Beyond), who is charged with sending this evil force (The Death’s Head) back whence it came.  Mordrid has served as a guardian of the fourth dimension and has a mixed bag of magical powers including his ability to speak to the void (a pair of cosmic eyes named Monitor), stop time and wipe people’s memories (as if he had a Men in Black neuralizer), teleportation,  and other little prestidigitations like regenerating melted eyeballs.

It seems that the antagonist in charge of summoning The Death’s Head is the muscular, blonde-mulleted Kabal (Brian Thompson; Fright Night Part 2, Nightwish), who wishes to unleash demons on Earth and destroy mankind.  Wait…is Kabal the Death’s Head…or the demons he plans on releasing…or something else…or a symbol for Armageddon?  Kabal empowers his head-banging metal head flunky worshipper to do…what turns out to be basically nothing.  We’ll call that a major writing flaw, which is by no means a rarity in this movie.  But writing flaws abound in Full Moon releases, don’t they?  And we forgive them, don’t we?

From Highlander to Superman, every hero needs an attractive female co-star.  In this case, Mordrid gets some help from his attractive neighbor Samantha Hunt (Yvette Nipar; Phantoms), a law enforcement consultant on cults and Satanism who isn’t taken seriously by her police colleagues.  Despite her specialty, her knowledge doesn’t seem to contribute anything to our story–clearly just another obvious writing flaw resulting in her character just being inserted into the movie for the sake of having a love interest or something.

Sorcery finds weak, unimpressive representation in this otherwise silly, entertaining flick.  Mordrid visits a floating castle that imprisons some monsters, most of the props are little occult accoutrements or amulets with supernatural powers, and the finale includes a spell-flinging battle complete with lasers knives and crackling magical energy.

Okay, only some of you will get this joke. But this magic reminds me of 1st Edition Dungeons & Dragons’ Shocking Grasp…right!?!

The coolest part for me was the stop-motion animation when Kabal brings life to a natural history museum T-Rex skeleton, which is combated by Mordrid’s animated woolly mammoth skeleton.  Kabal almost releases an army of stop-motion demons on Earth.  But sadly, we see them for just a moment before Mordrid prevents their invasion.  Boo, Mordrid!  That would’ve been cool.  Perhaps if the budget permitted another 16 minutes of running time we could have enjoyed them a bit.

This movie may seem to have more flaws than favorable components, but please rest assured that these flaws make this movie fun.  Watch this on a lazy, rainy Sunday afternoon.

John’s Horror Corner: Aenigma (1987) and its enigmatically senseless plot

October 17, 2013

MY CALL:  This film is regarded as some of Fulci’s worst work next to Conquest (1983). I rarely say this, but this film is for no one.  Just skip it and walk away!  WALK…AWAY!  MOVIES LIKE Aenigma:  Almost any other Fulci movie would satisfy you more, especially his zombie movies.  Given what Fulci was going for here with this film, I’d actually suggest Phenomena (1985), Suspiria (1977), Inferno (1980) or Mother of Tears (2007)–basically anything by Dario Argento.

Meet your victim slash heroine slash serial killer psychic.

Lucio Fulci (Zombie, The Beyond) brings us this obscure classic that serves as proof that all 80s teenagers were either the fornicating drug-using victims of serial killers (e.g., Friday the 13th, I Know What You Did Last Summer), heinous bullies who torture their awkward classmates (e.g., The Toxic Avenger), or the tortured awkward classmates that exact their horrible revenge on their tormentors (e.g., Sleepaway Camp, Carrie).  When the spirit of a comatose teenage girl possesses the body of a young woman to enact bloody revenge against the snobby lingerie-clad coeds responsible for her life-threatening condition, we find that the teenagers herein apply to all three categories–which is often the case.

Here’s something I didn’t get. Kathy’s mom gets evil demon eyes. Why? Is Kathy controlling her?  Would she really have to?  Wouldn’t the mother of a murderously vengeful psychic have decent odds of being a murderously vengeful psychic herself?  Why doesn’t she just exact her daughter’s revenge?

Anyway, here’s the decent looking girl that Kathy possesses.

Our victim (Kathy) psychically possesses Eva Gordon (Lara Lamberti; Red Sonja, A Blade in the Dark), a newcomer to the sorority that houses Kathy’s bitchy perpetrators.  Fulci makes no effort to explain Kathy’s psychic power to posses Eva or her link to Eva or how she even knew about Eva!  She informs her new roommate Jenny (Ulli Reinthaler; Zombi 3) that her goal is to “get with” as many cute boys as possible.  It seems that our spiritually under cover Kathy is trying to blend in by being slutty.  She starts with her misogynistic aerobics instructor–because sorority sisters are known for their attendance at handsy male-instructed aerobics classes.  Then the little harlot makes a pass at her doctor.  Not sure why.  After all, he is treating Kathy’s comatose body.  None of this makes any sense.

This flick comes with its share of random.  A guy gets strangled by his own reflection, Eva literally attacks her bedroom with a pair of yellow jeans and then has a spectral orgasm writhing about in her bed to celebrate the assault, and there’s an en masses snail attack (a la Slugs).  Really, nothing makes any sense in this big hot mess.  Why does someone who wakes up covered in snails quiver a little and then just die?  Why didn’t the chick struggle at all?  Do snails have a paralyzing venomous bite?  Do snails bite now in this farce of a movie?  Do they know some MMA hold that she couldn’t counter?

Not only does she not fight back, but she opens her mouth and waits for the snails to enter and deal some deadly blow.

Like many of Fulci’s nearly incoherent films, the writing and acting leaves a lot to be desired.  There’s no sense of pacing.  In fact, the third act–which is often the most watchable or even the only watchable portion of any horror movie–is actually by far the most boring portion of the film.  There is also no suspense whatsoever (not even in the finale) and the actors all play forgettable characters with no personality and no one would lament their loss.  Normally, what Fulci lacks in storytelling and casting direction he makes up for with glorious gore.  Sadly, this movie failed to deliver even that.

With that, I am giving one of my very rare recommendations to skip this film.  Skip this if you like the occasional horror movie.  Skip this if you’re a die hard, watch-everything horror hound.  Skip this even if you’re a Fulci fan trying to round out his entire body of work.

Just skip it.

John’s Horror Corner presents Strong Opinions on continuing the Paranormal Activity franchise after PA4

October 16, 2013

I recently posted some rants and ravings about the Poltergeist remake and made numerous comparisons to the Paranormal Activity franchise (which was critiqued in a detailed overview).  Well, today I’d like to express my concerns on continuing the PA series.

As I addressed in my franchise overview, these movies have been going downhill.  The franchise steered away from its more unexplained “did that just move?” sensory experience in PA 3 and completed abandoned it by PA 4 for a temperamental poltergeist named Toby–way to keep a straight face on that one.  With this transition in style, PA 3 started to add some story elements to the series, trumped up much more so in PA 4.  Considering exposition to be the death of horror, I whole-heartedly felt that this was a major mistake!  I can’t help but to wonder if this story-driven style (less rich with JFC jump-scares and HFS randomly moving household objects) will continue…I hope not.

I always knew they’d continue making PA movies and I always knew I’d go see them all no matter what the quality of the most recent release.  It’s the way I am.  But I reserved hope that they’d return to their old ways, the style of PA and PA 2.

 Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones will be written and directed by Christopher Landon (writer PA 2-4, producer PA 3), who has unfortunately had more involvement in lower quality films of the series than good ones.  But at least he was involved in PA 2

Something I loved about PA 2 was the Latin maid character.  In the movie she speaks very little English, however she talks quite a bit.  No subtitles are offered to the audience when she speaks Spanish (to herself, in panic or in prayer, etc.).  But if you understand what she’s saying, the movie is actually more interesting.  Even more interesting than if they gave subtitles…because you know that you caught something that wasn’t meant for everyone in the audience.  As I found myself understanding it I stopped to wonder how monolingual Americans would react to these indecipherable mutterings—would the mood be different?  No subtitles was a brilliant call.  Also, adding not only a dog or a baby, but both, was a good call.  You’ll find that you watch the baby much in the same way that you watch the dog.  They’re both like wind chime-harbingers of strange goings-on.

I wonder how much of these ideas were put to paper by Landon.  Of course, he also penned parts 3 and 4 (at least in part), and they had no such effective devices.

According to AICN, the upcoming film is due on January 3, 2014.

Paranormal Activity 5 director Gregory Plotkin has no directorial experience and produced parts 3-4 and edited 2-4.  This strikes me as doubly bad news.  Again, the man at the helm has more involvement with the inferior franchise installments than he does with the good ones.  No official word yet on plot details for PA 5, or how it will connect to the other films. But part 5 is expected to continue developing the odd story cued up in parts 3-4, which is another disappointment to me.  So get ready to learn more about Toby, the hair-pulling, back-breaking, dragging-you-down-the-hall-screaming poltergeist who has poisoned the PA waterhole.

According to AICN, the upcoming film is due on October 24, 2014.

Maybe Toby will break his high score on Kinect.

Bad Movie Tuesday: Which Mutated/Indignant Creature Are You?

October 15, 2013

Hello all. Mark here.

I love bad movies. I love bad movies featuring mutated creatures. I love lists. I like this Lion Bee

Lion bee

So, co-writer Lasavath and I have compiled a mutated/indignant creature name generator list. For Instance, Abraham Lincoln would be an “Irascible Wereturkey.” These terrifying creations will certainly unleash terror upon cities and undoubtedly be in the next crop of SyFy films.

Enjoy. Comment.  Let us know what cranky creature you are. Share. Thanks!

First Name                                                       Last Name

A– Irascible                                                        A- Komodo Kitten Dragon

B– Indginant                                                     B- Lemur Leviathan

C– Flummoxed                                                 C- Unreleased Kraken

D– Rumpled                                                      D- Radioactive Dung Beetle

E– Beefy                                                              E- Gorilla Pug

F– Befuddled                                                     F– Amphibious Panther Tuna

G– Torrid                                                             G- Chupacabra Chinchilla

H– Wayward                                                      H- Razor Toed Sloth

I– Petulant                                                          I-  Knife Billed Platypus

J– Addled                                                             J- Abino Land Lobster

K– Slimy                                                               K- Marmot Snapping Turtle

L– Complacent                                                  L-  Wereturkey

M– Capricious                                                    M- Acid spitting Flying Llama

N-Dynamite                                                       N- Mustachioed Hairless Yeti

O– Smug                                                              O- Loch Ness Sea Cucumber

P– Calamitous                                                    P- T-Rex With a Tiny Head and Comically Long Arms

Q– Jocular                                                            Q- Catapult Operating Porcupine Gang

R– Insidious                                                        R- Flying Dragon Squirell

S– Turgid                                                              S- Eight-Legged Ostriconda

T– Obtuse                                                            T-  Invisible Bigfoot

U– Cantankerous                                              U- Giant Sobbing Hyena

V– Mercurial                                                       V- four Legged ink Spitting Llamapus

W– Quixotic                                                        W- Spider Monkey Spiders

X– Tenacious                                                      X– Gorilla in Paranormal Mist

Y– Uber Massive                                               Y- Great White Baboon Lizards

Z– Self-Righteous                                              Z- Spotted Muskrat Demonfish

Now. imagine your creature. The Chive did a fantastic job with their animal hybrids. 

owl fruit

Session 9 (2001), more of a cerebral creeper than an outright horror

October 14, 2013

MY CALL:  It’s a nice creepy ride, if you ask me.  I give it a “B+” for a serious horror movie.  I’d go higher, but whereas the creepiness was undeniable, the scares didn’t make me jump.  This a “B+” movie in general, not just as a horror.  IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Hmmm.  This is a toughie…Jacob’s Ladder (1990), perhaps?  Maybe Paranormal Activity (2007) or White Noise (2005).  FOR the SUPERFANS:  The director (Brad Anderson) was also responsible for The Machinist and the TV series Fringe.  He’s good at paranoia and suspense.

This movie is more about mind-teasing than story-weaving.  Dreams, paranoia, voices of the subconscious or insanity or ghosts or who knows, a creepy chair, flashbacks, and a group of guys who are all really efficient at keeping each other on edge stack up to fuel a barrage of red herrings.  You viewers would be advised to watch this surprisingly mostly daytime-filmed creeper in the dark to keep you on your toes as you try to triage out the red herrings from the truth in this fog of madness.

It’s a beautiful day for a dreadfully creepy movie, isn’t it?

This movie follows a hazardous materials crew on the job.  In this case, the job is an historic site: a mental health facility that has been abandoned for almost twenty years.  Abandoned loony bins make for good creepy settings.  They’re filthy, their walls are decorated with schizophrenic collages, and the night security guard always has some creepy warning for whoever plans on going in.  The guard warns that besides homeless squatters and vandalous punks, some of the hospital’s disturbed “residents” have tried to return to the only “home” they ever knew from time to time.

During a tour of the hospital viewers can breathe a sigh of relief that the set design, lighting and camera work are all A+ quality.  During that same tour we learn that the crew leader is desperate, offering an impressive bid for the job that will get his team a $10,000 bonus.  I’d stick any one-week job out for that kind of bonus.  I don’t care what creepy fare ensues.

We know the trail of bread crumbs has started when one of the crew (Mike) finds a box of recorded therapy sessions of a multiple-personality victim of terrible abuse.  There are nine sessions.  As they progress we meet new personalities, and each personality comes with an unsettling voice.  He listens to them (in order) on his lunch break, after work, or for a little bit at a time when he sneaks off.  As the movie progresses we learn that this crew member is a law school dropout who knows a little too much about the psychology of murder, lobotomy practices and the history of their work site.

Anyway, weird things start happening and Mike is not the only one arousing suspicion.  Tension dramatically rises between the other crew members.  Mike gets edgier, himself.  The crew leader, Gordon, is getting strung out over his wife, pressures that come with recently having a child, a meeting the one-week deadline for the job.  Before you know it accusations are getting thrown around like roman candles in a teenaged alley duel.

This movie has a great cast including David Caruso (Without Warning) and Josh Lucas (The Cave).  Yet somehow it flew under my radar when it was released (theatrical release?).  I first came across it in Blockbuster a couple years after it came out.  Now, having seen it a few times, I can say that this unique creeper is something that EVERY horror/thriller fan should have on their resume.  It’s SOOOOO different!  While the ending left me guessing, it wasn’t at the expense of my enjoyment.  I’d make it a point to check out some of the deleted scenes and director’s commentary.  It’s interesting to see where the director was going with some recurring elements of this movie.

For sure, see this.  It’s a must.

Top 5 Supporting Characters in an Action film

October 13, 2013

Hello all. Mark here.

Here’s the explanation of an action movie from my friend Andrew:

“Action is a pretty broad genre. If people (plural) are getting shot, it counts as an action movie.”

Classic action films all have something in common. They feature fantastic sidekicks, accomplices or supporting characters. The heroes and villains need help and the characters below add to the awesomeness. Enjoy the list! Comment! Let me know what you think.

Commando-Arnold’s Biceps

some

We here at MFF know great biceps when we see them. No cinematic biceps have more character than Arnold’s in Commando. Without the biceps, there is no way Arnold could have shot 7,000 bullets with one gun.  You know the scene where he’s holding the bullets up in a curl position.  I did the math.  A bullet weighs around 7.45 grams.  1 pound=453 grams.  Screw the math, that is a whole lot of weight to be holding.   Also, he never could have defeated the skinny yet somehow chubby Australian guy who wears a mesh tanktop (see below).

bicep city!

Gladiator-Juba

He saves Russel Crowe’s life by rubbing maggots in an open wound on his arm, which happens to be a technique Patrick Swayze later used in Roadhouse. Check out the first gladiatorial sequence to see why he’s so awesome: He gets chained to a little weakling. He escapes by cutting the chain loose and kills some dude in a rhino mask. He reunites back with Maximus and they kill the dude with the trident.  Also, after the fight with the tiger guy, Juba starts a slow clap that would make any sports movie envious.

Great friend!

Tombstone-Doc Holiday

I’ll be your Huckleberry! Only Val Kilmer can play a dying alcoholic who’s still light years faster than any other man, woman, child or road runner. Also, the scene where he flips the cup around like a gun is awesome. I’d love to see him play flip cup at any area college party.

Epic!

If Doc Holiday was around in the movie Poseidon, Kurt Russel might have lived.

13th Warrior-Buliwyf

Not only was this guy a badass, he was the king of Badass-istan. He invades an enemy lair and kills the queen as he is simultaneously poisoned (a lesser man would have keeled over in .0001 seconds.

However, what I love the most is when the cannibal army attacks with like 3,000 horsemen, he saunters into the fray and kills their leader with one swipe, ending the reign of terror (remember he’s still poisoned). Then, with no hint of boisterousness or self-indulgent strutting, he promptly returns to his throne, strikes a picturesque pose, and dies sitting perfectly straight.

If I killed the head honcho of a brutal tribe of cannibals, I would damn sure do a little jig and follow with years of smack talk. Without him, Antonio Banderas – the Spanish guy, playing a Persian, fighting with the Vikings – wouldn’t have lived long enough to be the “13th Warrior.”

Whoa…

Hot Fuzz Andy’s

Sure the Andy’s were jerks who rock impressive mustaches but they eventually come around and catch marinara in face whilst fighting bad guys. They are terrible at catching crooks, occasionally have beer mustaches on top of their mustaches and love ice cream. Paddy Considine and Rafe Spall are obviously having a blast and it shows in their performances. Hot Fuzz is a treasure trove of wonderful moments and Andy/Andy contribute to many of them.

Mustache city

Speed-Annie Porter

Before Sandra Bullock was winning Oscars and lost in space she was keeping a bus over 50 MPH. Speed is an action classic that still stands out 19 years later. Sandra Bullock’s character Annie Porter contributes to the popularity with her cool, calm, cute and collected performance. Her banter with Keanu was fantastic and she brings the humanity to the chaos. Plus, she was so good in this movie they put her in Speed 2, which didn’t turn out so well.

John’s Horror Corner: Without Warning (1980), a movie about a tall alien and his fleshy monster shurikens

October 11, 2013

Wait just a second!  It preys on human fear AND feeds on human flesh? Oh, I’m so outta’ here!

MY CALL:  A D-horror film with a history that’s more interesting than its plot, characters, monsters, gore or story.  MOVIES LIKE Without Warning:  Want more gory alien shenanigans?  Try Xtro (1983), Alien Predators (1985), The Deadly Spawn (1983), Seed People (1992) and The Curse (1987).  Somewhat similar monsters can be found in The Kindred (1987).

Four clueless horny teenagers go camp out in the wilderness, encounter weird locals who try to warn them of the local dangers, don’t heed the warnings and proceed anyway.  They make out and then get picked off one by one–chewed to death by what can only be described as Frisbee facehuggers.  Why, you may ask.  Because this movie is about a tall, huge-headed alien that throws fleshy shurikens with teeth and tentacles at people for some reason.  These living weapons look like parasitic Frisbee facehugger starfish.

A victim of the aerial alien starfish.

This bro doesn’t even look like his death interrupted his train of thought.

In most movies, some guy playing the resident know-it-all would examine how this parasite kills its prey, investigate if the body was serving as host to a clutch of eggs, or even compare the organism to some invertebrate life on Earth.

Instead Jack Palance puts one in a jar and puts on his best crazy old loon face, clearly satisfied by his catch.

Eventually we see the alien and it looks like something we’ve all see in dozens of ’50s-60s B-movies, including the Twilight Zone episode To Serve Man.  The alien has come to hunt man for sport, but the potential of the plot is completely wasted.  No “cat and mouse games”, no sense of anything even resembling a chase, and no tension at all.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

This movie moves at a terribly slow pace and, even when we see Frisbee facehugger scenes and enjoy the gore that accompanies them, it all gets old fast.  But what’s way more interesting than the plot, characters, monsters, gore or story, is all of the random trivia and history that surrounds the film itself.

I find it so sad that this VHS sleeve compares this flick to the like of Close Encounters, Alien and ET.  Desperate marketing.  Let’s also take a moment to appreciate that filmmakers had some disagreement regarding the title.  The Warning and Without Warning, despite the use of the word “warning”, suggest EXTREMELY dissimilar meanings.  Was there or wasn’t there warning?

1. Without Warning offers us some zany cameos, each bringing their own brand of crazy.  You may also notice some familiar faces in the cast like Martin Landau (The Being, Ed Wood) playing the town loon who swears he’s seen the parasitic Frisbees, and Jack Palance playing a local hunter who knows exactly what the alien’s doing…“He came down here for the sport. He wants to get himself a few trophies.”  He even gave them the old “you don’t want to go up there” speech to the teenagers.  It’s hard to believe they’d each win Oscars for Best Supporting Actor in the near future for City Slickers (1991; Palance) and Ed Wood (1994; Landau).

Not exactly an Oscar moment for Landau.

I guess this film was just a good career jumping off point, huh?  Another before-they-were-famous face is playing one of the teens–we find Golden Globe Award winner David Caruso (NYPD Blue, CSI: Miami) in some criminally short shorts as if he was a counselor at Camp Crystal Lake.  BTW, Friday the 13th (1980) featured Kevin Bacon in one of his earliest roles.

Yup.  Criminally short.  I can see as much side-butt on him as I can on her.  That is no bueno!

2. The alien is played by Kevin Peter Hall, a 6’9″ creature actor who you would’ve seen in Prophecy (1979), Harry and the Hendersons (1987), Predator (1987) and Predator 2 (1987).  Without Warning is basically a skeletal blueprint for Predator–only horribly written.  A giant alien comes to Earth for the express purpose of hunting humans (and other local fauna) for sport.  In fact, Kevin Peter Hall played the alien in both films.

3. Made for a meager $150K, $75,000 of which was used to pay Palance and Landau, this movie was filmed in just in three weeks.  I’ve read that the filmmakers tried to sue the folks behind Predator.  They didn’t win.  But you can’t blame them for trying, right?  This alien and the predator both wear mesh, remain unseen for most of the movie, they both sneak around in the woods hunting man for sport, they’re both huge and are played by the same actor, and they both favor ranged weapons.  A few coincidences, perhaps, but I’m sold on the mesh.  What other alien at that point in film history had ever been seen wearing mesh?

4. The special effects and makeup designer Greg Cannom would later move on to win Academy Awards for his work in Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992), Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008).

This film clearly served as a breeding ground for greatness.  Too bad their skills were so stillborn back in the day.  This flick would have benefited from a little more substance.

Ouch. Mouths that look like flying saucers?  Who wouldn’t want to see this movie?

John’s Horror Corner: An overview of the Paranormal Activity franchise

October 10, 2013

This franchise has been plowing out movies at a steady pace since 2007.  Sadly, after its first two installments audiences began to notice a significant drop in quality.  PA 3 (2011) was not so hot and began to lead us down an utterly stupid storyline in an effort to “make sense” of the events of these movies and tie them all together–they failed.  PA 4 (2012) was unforgivably awful and even failed to produce the frequent jump-scares we’ve come to expect while continuing to add suspense-softening, interest-killing, pace-slowing detail to the silly plot and timeline set in place by PA 3.  Since this franchise is now drowning in its own story-blown exposition, I thought I’d review these films and see if I can’t identify what went wrong outside of the screenplays beginning with the original film.

Paranormal Activity (2007) was written and directed by Oren Peli, who also produced all sequels and spinoffs of the franchise including the upcoming PA 5 and PA: The Marked Ones, as well as all the Insidious franchise films, The Bay and The Lords of Salem.  The dude has vision and, while later PA installments began to suffer in quality, it’s not like he had any part in the writing of those.  This first installment was an unwarranted success that made crowds jump higher and more often than most horror of decades past.

We didn’t know why anything was happening.  Nothing was explained.  But it “was” happening, and it was TERRIFYING!!!

Then PA 2 (2010) was directed by newcomer Tod Williams.  As far as I can tell, Williams did everything in his power to duplicate the first movie with an entire family instead of just a young couple.  This tactic worked.  I was thrilled with part 2.

These first two installments relied more heavily on very slow-building tension.  These predecessors basically “taught” viewers how to watch these movies in the first 20-30 minutes by offering numerous subtle, relatively unimportant objects moving as if a spectral breeze had shifted them.  This way when such production devices became important, the viewer had a trained eye—not unlike what was done with White Noise.  These movies convey a style that is very unusual.  So it came as no surprise to me that there was little middle ground in people’s opinions of them; they loved’em or hated’em.  I love’em.  Why?  Because my senses are all on full power; I’m all in; I’m practically concentrating on the screen and listening to every creak trying to sleuth out the next clue that something fishy is going on in that house.  Some people may call this “work”.  I call it cool.  They gave us a new kind of horror movie–a sensory experience.

What else did parts 1 and 2 have in common?  They both had basically zero exposition!  Things just started happening to nice people as if it was a supernatural natural disaster.  There seemed to be no distinct motive behind this supernatural force–and that…was…TERRIFYING!!!

The most common criticism I observed about Rob Zombie’s Halloween remakes was about Michael Myers’s backstory; his actions’ justification; his origin.  Now, I think Zombie did fine presenting this backstory even if it was a bit long-winded.  The events made sense and I fully understood why Myers is the way he is now because of that backstory.  But whereas everyone criticized the quality of the backstory, most of these complaints felt empty and misdirected.

I think that, without realizing it on a conscious level, these critics and reviewers were really upset that there was any explanation at all about Myers.  Exposition truly is the death horror and once you give a killer a motive–a way for viewers to identify with him beyond raw revenge or evil–the killer is no longer any more terrifying than the occasional loud noise-driven jump scare that accompanies his screen time.  That story actually took a mindless killing force of evil of unknown drive and origin, and turned him into an angry man-child with mommy issues looking for bloody brutal revenge.  In fact, Zombie turned Michael Myers from an “it” into a “him”; from a “force” into a “man.”  Suddenly he felt less supernatural and, sapping all the excitement and terror out of him, completely human.  This tangent example may seem to have no place in this article, but this is the exact same mistake that was made in the PA series in my opinion.

PA 3 (2011) was when I noticed a drop in quality, but I can totally understand why it may be others’ favorite.  While it still employed subtle moving objects, it did it less, instead relying on more mainstream devices to provoke scared jumps from the audience.

Creepy, yes.  But clearly not the branding we’ve come to expect from the franchise.

It also borrowed more heavily from the Poltergeist movies than the first two—not that I minded.  The characters’ investigation into the strange goings-on was more methodical and plot-driven.  The first two were more event-driven and investigated out of fear and curiosity.  The differences between 3 and 1 & 2 were subtle but numerous, chief amongst them being that “the paranormal” functions as a character in this movie, rather than a mysterious “force” in the first two.  As such, the actions of “the paranormal” were more blatant and felt more like “it” was doing something “to someone” whereas in 1 & 2 it was more like “something was happening” to someone in a haunted house.

PA 4 (2012) had the same directors as Paranormal Activity 3 (2011), but they seemed to have strayed from the formula that worked so well in the previous films.  For example, parts one to three open by introducing us to young couples and families that are likable, and they did this well so that we viewers would actually give a damn when bad things start happening to these characters.  They’re always some variant of an American family portrait and it’s easy for us to identify with them.  Part four begins by introducing us to a young teen.

Contrary to the prequels this ineffective character is just “handed to us” and no effort is made to show her finer qualities or her relationship with her parents.  In fact, the parents are more implied than presented until later in the movie, when they become more integral to the story.  We don’t even get the notion that the parents have a happy marriage as our victims did in Poltergeist (1982), The Conjuring(2013), Insidious (2011) or the earlier Paranormal Activity films.  As a result, we don’t know much about them and feel indifferent about their haunting.  This really served as the death-dealing blow to the film.

We also get a more culty, satanic feeling which is delivered with very few scary moments compared to the previous films.

The first two films seemed more like “house” movies in which “things were simply happening to people” as a result of “something.” Part three presented a poltergeist, a specific entity, which was actively “doing things to people.”  In part four, we get a little of both, demonstrative of poor writing and rendering our ghost less credible.  For whatever reason, the directors also used fewer subtle “did you see that?” moments when something moves or changes and if you blink you’d miss it.

Instead of shifty objects and slamming doors, we mostly see body manipulation scenes.  I miss those socking kitchen scenes.

I like this franchise and will watch as many as they release. But be warned.  If you also favored the earlier films over the more recent, you’re likely to receive more disappointment.