Tokyo Shock: Helldriver (2010)
MY CALL: If you enjoy the occasional film featuring vehicles constructed from body parts and 8-limbed zombie sword fights, then this is probably right up your alley. For a Tokyo Gore Shock subgenre I give this an “A.” IF YOU LIKE THIS, THEN WATCH: Too many to mention. For guidance or an explanations in the subgenre please refer to my Beginner’s Guide to Tokyo Shock Cinema. I’ll mention two seminal favorites, though: Tokyo Gore Police (2008) and Meatball Machine (1999).
This typical/low-budget Tokyo Shocker begins with an odd man chumming a pack of some manner of zombie-demons with severed human body parts. As they feed on the anthro-carrion our chummer “fishes” for deadite heads using a sharp hook at the end of a rope. Then he removes something that could only be described as an evil wishbone growing out of their foreheads. We later learn that these “horns” are sued as street drugs, unstable explosives and are the source of undeadity in these zombies. When things get out of hand a random chick (our hero, Kika) with chainsaw-swords and some mean stripper pole skills comes to the rescue…what ensues is just plain silly…a truck flies through the air and Jenga’s a 50’ tower of zombie-demons, one of which a spine with a head at the end of it growing out of his head.
Mommy Dearest Eihi Shiina holding her daughter’s heart. We’ll call this her “before photo.”
This entrail-rich gem is typical of the genre. There are lots of arterial sprays unleashing floods of blood beyond reasonable human body’s capacity, detonating body parts, dismemberment galore and, of course, Kika’s backstory. As a young girl Kika came home to find her crazy bitch mother (Eihi Shiina) and her Japanese punk-redneck uncle in the middle of making sushi out of her father’s legs—in front of him with his legs flesh-picked knee down. Out of nowhere a meteor strikes the bloodlusted bitch “through” her chest. So naturally, she rips out Kika’s heart and uses it as her own. Then she turns into some space-zombiism typhoid Mary and plagues Japan faster than in 28 Days Later. She is then entombed in some hardened mucus cocoon, from which she emerges as the hive-mother space zombie queen. Meanwhile, a public figure from a secret government agency stitched up Kika and outfitted her like a samurai-ninjette with a lawnmower engine in her chest so that she could control infected populations.
Our hero, complete with chainsaw-sword and artificial heart/chainsaw motor.
And here’s mommy Eihi after her space-zombie makeover! She’s been outfitted with some lovely pearls, a demon starfish head-cap, and a rubber horn shaped like an old TV antennae.
Look at how happy (to slay all living things) she is in her “after photo.”
Unlike the devastatingly slow back-story-telling in Machine Girl (2008), Helldriver (2010) is much more effective and stylistic in explaining the origin of this space-zombie outbreak complete with news updates and slapstick government public health infomercials warning about the effects of using ground-up zombie wishbones like it was cocaine. There are even farcical advocates in support of the not-so-deceaseds’ civil rights.
Director Yoshihiro Nishimua (Vampire Girl vs Frankenstien Girl (2009); Mutant Girl Squad (2010)) learned a lot from writing/directing Tokyo Gore Police (2008). For example, everyone loves Eihi Shiina (Vampire Girl vs Frankenstien Girl (2009); Tokyo Gore Police (2008); Audition (1999)) and chainsaw fights are cool! Other nifty additions to this gore flick include an assaulting hail of zombie heads, a zombie miscarriage, a zombie dance party, a zombie head crotch bite, a chainsaw-sword up the tush, a car made out of body parts, and a 50’ tall zombie made out of other zombies that then turns into a giant zombie 747. The fights are most interesting mid-movie. The zombie baby, attached by the umbilical cord to zomb-mom, is used as a whip-dagger-harpoon. There’s a zombie with katanas “growing” out of it that has a sword fight with a bladed car. And there’s an eight-limbed, sword-spider-zombie nude acrobat chick with baby arm-tusks and a crotch hand. Say what? She’s probably my favorite.
For fans of the subgenre this is just plain, exploitative, super-gory fun. By the way, watch to the end of the credits. There’s a cute ending.
That starfish thing almost makes it look like she has Yoda ears.
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21 Jump Street
21 Jump Street may be a remake but it feels experimental like Anchorman. It is incredibly quotable and is loaded with a hilarious ensemble. 21 Jump Street puts the filmmaking world on notice that reboots do not have to be familiar. Normally, I’d fight against remakes but if you are going to make one they should all be like this.
The reason this film works is because it is aware of its remake roots and it boasts a hilarious performance by Channing Tatum. You really like the dude. I’ve expected that he is a good actor after recent turns in The Eagle, The Dilemma and Haywire. The directors and producer Jonah Hill make great use of Tatum. The not so slim Shady and Jenko the jock provide a fun team you want to see more of.
Channing is dumb and Hill is smart. Together they make a fun comedic team that infiltrates a high school in search of a fatal drug. They quickly find the cool kid drug dealers who are led by eco-friendly Dave Franco.
The two cops report to the admittedly angry/stereotypical African American captain played by a snarling/sassy sandwich eating Ice Cube.
What I love is that Hill becomes the popular kid and Tatum is the loser. The roles reserve and this allows the two to discover interesting things about themselves. They figure out that teachers are amazed at Tatum’s muscles and Hill can sing a swell Peter Pan jam. Along the way the two throw a gnarly party, engage in gun fights, flirt with 18 year olds and witness a massive, unexpected and hilarious explosion.
21 Jump Street deserves it’s 85% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and is proving to be a big box office draw. This makes me happy because we can expect a second time around with characters we like.
Go watch 21 Jump Street. Laugh, quote and realize that people have the right to be lawyers.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Sitter
It should be called “The rise and fall of David Gordon Green”
David Gordon Green (All the Real Girls, George Washington, Undertow, Snow Angels, Pineapple Express) has gone from Indie directing superhero to incapable of directing a cohesive film. If Your Highness was practice at mediocrity then Green has perfected it with The Sitter. David used to create beautiful landscapes and three-dimensional characters who were uniquely odd. However, in The Sitter he immerses the viewer in stock characters and 7,000 references to testicles and farts.
What Green seems to have forgotten is that you need likable characters to make a movie work. I realize that sometimes characters need to be jerks in order for them to come around. However, when you make them paint by the numbers jerks you lose the audience. When Jonah Hill walks into a house with children and automatically starts swearing at them it is not funny because it is forced. I can understand why a slacker wouldn’t want to babysit brats. However, it loses me when he threatens to punch them.
I’m thinking everyone involved with The Sitter thought the movie was going to be hilarious. This seems to be the biggest problem for comedies. They think swear words, scatological humor and abrasive moments can trump all. I feel like the creators preemptively tooted their own horns. They say the road to hell is paved with the best intentions. The road to bad movie mediocrity is overconfidence.
The plot revolves around Hill going on a journey to find cocaine in order to sleep with a terrible woman played by Ari Graynor. Hill begrudgingly takes the three kids along for a night of cocaine, ball punches and loud noises.
The best part of this film is Sam Rockwell. He plays an insane drug dealer who has a lair full of steroid freaks. Rockwell has the only inspired moments of the movie involving mixed tapes for victims and crying in the arms of a female body builder. SPOILER ALERT: He gets a rather unceremonious ending as his “nuts” get crunched by a gang.
There is a whole lot of ball humor kicking around in this movie. The unluckiest man gets his balls lit on fire while others simply get punched. There is a pivotal scene where a young girl talks about how her dad is cheating on her mom. Jonah Hill attempts to make her feel better by telling a story about how he double punched a guy in the balls. Later in the film she double punches a guy in the balls.
The Sitter is a movie about people doing ugly things. Comedies are not supposed to make you depressed. Not only is the movie bad but you hope that David Gordon Green can escape this mediocre world and get back to his independent roots.
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Wes Anderson Madness: Divisional Round
Hello all. Mark here.
Now that you’ve had time to mull over the brackets I’m going deplete the competition to 16 unique characters. The decisions were life changing and will most likely confuse.
The one thing you have to understand is that I love secondary characters. My favorite movies are Jaws (Quint), Dr. Strangelove (General Ripper), Royal Tenenbaums (not a spoiler) and Hot Fuzz (The Andys). These movies are full of wonderful supporting characters who make the films memorable.
Another example is that my favorite characters from this past years Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows and Kung Fu Panda 2 were second in commands to the evil bad guys. I liked them because they were the ones who got their fingers dirty and got little in return. The two villians were much more interesting than Holmes, Watson, Moriarty and a fat panda.
I am going to break down the Watersports and Cuss Spit divisions.
Mr. Fox talked his way past the friendly Henry Sherman (RT). In the end, the fox was able to make Sherman believe that he didn’t want to be in the competition and he should be happy with Etheline Tenenbaum.
The Badger (FMF) went hunting for Patricia (DL). However, this led him on a massive journey. When he found her he was a changed animal. Also, she disappeared when he was sleeping. He later found Patricia and joined her on a spiritual journey.
Richie “The Baumer” Tenenbaum finally put his feelings aside for his step sister and shot past her 6-0 6-0 6-0. This win gives The Baumer some serious momentum as he pushes aside his demons and gets rid of the song Needle in the Hay from his Ipod.
Finally, the only reason I included Dr. Peter (Rushmore) was because of his OR scrubs. I love how he set himself up for a killer Max joke. Francis Whitman makes quick work of the Dr. when he leaves himself open to another joke about thermometer usage.
Next up is the Cuss Spit division. The characters openly engaged war on each other causing mass family dysfunction and an eventual Anderson screenplay.
Anthony Adams (BR) was able to deliver a wonderful monologue about watersports which propelled him ahead the beleaguered Stephen McCole.
A resilient Alistair Hennessey and his band of seafaring young men were no match for the wonderfully moustached Jack Whitman.
Ash literally cussed and spit so much Bob Mapplethorpe backed down and started crying about his older brother. Ash lived up to his “muscle” title.
An unlucky Peter Whitman got matched up against the diminutive juggernaut known as Max Fischer. The competition was over before it started. However, the two became friends and Peter starred in his next play about an India train ride called “The India train ride.” The play was well received but the title was accused of lacking originality. Fischer responded with one sentence “What the F*^# do you call Romeo and Juliet?”
The 16 have dropped to eight. Three Schwartzmans, Two Lukes, a claymation fox, an Anderson favorite and a Owen.
The next post will focus on the Portuguese Bowie and Wildcat divisions. There will be bloodshed, pithy one liners and artwork of men on four wheelers.
Comment, complain, wear OR scrubs.
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Puncture (2011)
MY CALL: I enjoyed this movie and was impressed by Chris Evans, who managed to deliver “strung out and tweaky” simultaneously with the clever charm we expect from him. It’s no Rainmaker (1997), but it’s worth a watch if you like Evans’ work. [B/B-] IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: The Rainmaker (1997) and Runaway Jury (2003) demonstrate two different approaches to little guy-huge case legal-themed moves. And if you like Evans in somewhat darker roles, go for Push (2009). For a great tweaker-film, go with The Salton Sea (2002).
Evans holding a mock trial tweaked out, with no shirt, wearing an untied tie and suspenders.
In Puncture Chris Evans plays a charismatic drug addict (Mike Weiss) who is an even faster talker as a lawyer than he was on his high school debate team. Evans charms us in the opening scene as he invites fellow drug addict strangers to stand in for his drug-induced mock trials where he rehearses cross examinations for the next day in court. You root for this chemically-dependant smooth talker from square one.
Evans’ wardrobe is interesting in this flick. Lots of orangish tones, suspenders and some stylish sunglasses.
A little background: The title has well-placed meaning in this story which was based on true events. Our two protagonists take a case for a nurse who was accidently stuck by a syringe after it left the violently flailing arm of an HIV-positive patient (who was overdosing on some drug in when he arrived at the hospital). After the subsequent development of the safety syringe called “Safety Point”—a medical development that would make such accidents nearly impossible—no hospitals were willing to purchase the product. Hospital employees are concerned about such accidents, which occur to the tune of 800,000 times a year in the USA and are the lead cause of HIV, hepatitis-B and hepatitis-C in health care workers. These accidents are called “needlesticks” and have fueled the AIDS-epidemic in Africa as a result of needle re-use.
Weiss and his straight-laced partner (Paul Danziger, played by Mark Kassen) have an entertaining relationship and ambulance-chasing personal injury business complete with TV ads. Weiss barters “focused” days doing his job in exchange for Danziger following up on case work in his own unique style.
Evans with the kind of outfit that a judge would likely find threatening. Also the kind of outfit that a Yugoslavian pimp would find preferable.
At the dawn of his David and Goliath case Weiss maintains his ill-suited form indulging in cocaine “bumps” and handjobs from his fellow druggie-turned-office assistant…then falls asleep in the car during a critical deposition which, of course, he’ll join late after nursing a bloody nose.
The movie did not affect me emotionally. It felt largely like the telling of an important story accompanied by a great Chris Evans performance. My biggest criticism is that Evans—while made up to look pale, hungover, and baggy eyed throughout the movie—is in WAY too good shape for me to buy his drug-fueled self-abuse. Had the real life Weiss ever been in such good shape, I have difficulty understanding how his body wouldn’t be noticeably withered after even one month of such malnourished, under-rested, toxic behavior.
This criticism aside, I enjoyed the movie and was impressed by Evans, who managed to deliver “strung out and tweaky” simultaneously with the clever charm we expect from him. He reminds me of Val Kilmer from The Salton Sea (2002; great movie, by the way).
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Freerunner (2011)
MY CALL: This was probably meant to be a high octane action flick. What we got was a BIC lighter that is running out of fuel. There’s enough to spark my entertainment, but it doesn’t go very far. [C/C+] IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Any of the Step Up series (2006-2012), You Got Served (2004; but not Beat the World), Death Race (2008, 2010), and The Condemned (2007) all do a better job of executing acrobatic competition or web-aired death match elements. Give them a shot especially if you did not like Freerunner.
This movie about parkour stars Sean Faris. Faris has an unfortunate film career recently including The King of Fighters (2010). His highest point to date was in Never Back Down (2008; featured in the Cam Gigandet Actor Spotlight).
This freerunning-flick follows the subculture of capture-the-flag racing competitors who operate under the radar of the law for winner-take-all paydays. They essentially freerun around the city, gather three flags, and hit the finish line for victory. However, there aren’t really any rules, so the occasional skirmish occurs. The competitiveness, the older guy who runs the show, and the taunts between freerunners make this feel like a parkour-esque Step Up or You Got Served. There’s the underdog star, his overprotective love interest, his crappy job, his loving grandparent, and the badass-asshole reigning champ…it’s a cookie-cutter plot. Our hero bets all he has on himself for one last race so that he, his girl and his grandfather can move out of the city and be happy. This attempt to follow the dance-movie formula fails to maintain my interest. But that’s just the first chunk of the flick. It gets better.
In the middle of this big race all of the freerunners are captured by some enterprising villain who does exactly what they were already doing—he airs a high betting stakes parkour race for rich people to place bets. The catch is that they have 60 minutes to finish the race and they all have been fitted with explosive collars which turn their heads into party-poppers after those 60 minutes are up. There are some other rules to follow to avoid death as well. So they must literally race as if their lives depended on it. It’s very Death Race meets The Condemned in terms of how their captor manages his web-based betting operation. Additionally, for no reason whatsoever, their captor offers one million dollars to the winner. Isn’t racing for your life enough? Maybe the writers just needed to keep the possibility of a happy ending for our protagonist.
This is is no way a rip-off of the Rutger Hauer movie “DeadLock.”
As a funny bit of added flavor and rather contrary to Death Race and The Condemned, their enterprising captor is a lot like a book club party host. It’s “his turn” to host. Next time, one of the others would be in charge of choosing the type of game and the unwilling participants. The club members, along with most of the delivery of this movie, are all very hokey. But it’s all in good fun and it’s rather entertaining. Really.
The biggest problem with this flick (ignoring the writing and acting) is that following freerunners is difficult, so there is a lot of shaky camera work and FPS-style head-cam shots. The stunts are cool, but would be more enjoyable with steadier filming. More solid examples of parkour in film (in order of increasing awesomeness) include Scott Adkins in The Tournament (2009), the French guy from Live Free or Die Hard (2007), and the epic opening chase scene in District B-13 (2004). Let’s also not forget that basically every Jackie Chan movie doubles as a freerunning movie. And Jackie has the best resume in the business. But I digress.
Freerunner is a bit of mindless fun for a Sunday afternoon. Just expect nothing–certainly nothing very good–and tell yourself this was not meant to be taken seriously.
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Wes Anderson Madness
Hello all. Mark here.
1. NCAA March Madness is conquering the sports world.
2. Grantland’s Wire Smacketology tournament provided a predictable winner, tons of conversation and almost caused a riot of angry webizens.
3. Wes Anderson’s latest film Moonrise Kingdom is ready to be released on the world.
These three things influenced me to single out the best character in the Wes Anderson universe. I love Anderson films and I’ve always recommended them to anybody that will listen. Putting this list together was a fun trip down memory lane. I remembered how many uniquely awesome characters inhabit the Wes world.
I analyzed the films Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, Royal Tenenbaums, Life Aquatic, Darjeeling Limited and Fantastic Mr. Fox in an effort to find my favorite character (It will surprise you). I narrowed the field down to 32 personalities and I broke up the tournament into four brackets. The brackets are:
1. Cuss Spit
2. Portuguese Bowie
3. Wildcat
4. Watersports
The following are the initial brackets. Who do you think should win? Did I leave anybody out? Comment on the bracket and let me know your thoughts.
Click on the brackets for a larger view.
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John’s Horror Corner: Piranha 3D (2010)
With Piranha 3DD right around the corner I just had to try to save you folks who missed Piranha 3D. While I doubt that the order in which you watch these movies is of any concern, I wouldn’t want you to miss out. This was truly something special.
MY CALL: This movie was architected for high school and college guys who like energetic, fun-kill-filled flicks with no more pertinent plot than “these piranhas happen to be in this lake and start killing Spring Breakers”. If you’ve ever enjoyed a movie like that, then taking issue with Piranha is like faulting a crack whore for her spilt ends. Don’t sweat the small stuff. This is a “check your brain at the door and enjoy” kind of movie. [A-, for a good B-horror] IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Piranha (1978), Piranha 2: The Spawning (1981), Gnaw: Food of the Gods II (1989, but skip part one), and the Jaws series (which is due for an honorable, thoughtful remake). If you want a somewhat biologically accurate animal-turned-monster flick, then I strongly suggest Lake Placid (1999). My doctorate-toting biologist friends enjoyed it without many “Oh, God, they got that all wrong” moments. Want more sci-fi stupid-ish, then try Deep Blue Sea, perhaps. Just want gory, campy fun? Then go with Humanoids from the Deep (1980) or some other John’s Horror Corner installments from the 1980s. Lastly, definitely brace yourself for Piranha 3DD (2012)!
CGI-level is above acceptable. Remake of 80s animal-turned-monster flick: APPROVED!
Quite a cast: Richard Dreyfuss, Ving Rhames, Elisabeth Shue, Christopher Lloyd, Jerry O’Connell, Adam Scott, Dina Meyer, Scream Queen Kelly Brook and a cameo by Eli Roth. Was it worth it? I think so! This remake (which is at least as fun as the original) kicks off like Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break, foreshadowing gratuitous nudity for teenagers with Netflix across the globe. Appropriately, Jerry O’Connell plays the “Wild, Wild Girls” director/producer who goes to a small, Spring Break-friendly lake town in the Southwest to make his fortune. Meanwhile Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames play local cops trying to keep Spring Break order. Good luck.
Skeazy? Just a bit. This movie flirts with being exploitative, but really never gets passed a healthy dose of gratuitous nudity.
Despite all the 2011 Oscar buzz, Kelly Brook didn’t win the Academy Award for Best Bikini.
This flick gets pretty Jaws-ish pretty fast. Shue finds a body and considers closing the lake. But the lake is too big of a Spring Break cash cow for her small town. Back to funville, satirical gratuitous nudity has already begun in the form synchronized swimming performed by two “Wild, Wild” girls to an operatic soundtrack. How tasteful.
Complete with Eli Roth hosting a wet t-shirt contest. Priceless.
Now for some explanation of these piranhas’ origin…
There’s seismic activity which opens an underwater chasm through which the piranhas escape from an underwater lake that was previously sealed off for a way-like-dinosaur-long time. Naturally, it’s filled with eggs. Some seismology researchers want to investigate but, come on? Scuba-diving in a movie called Piranha? They never stood a chance.
Christopher Lloyd plays some dude who owns an aquarium store who, based on his level of expertise, holds a doctorate in fish systematics (naturally specializing on piranhas). He instantly recognizes a captured specimen as representing a species which went extinct two million years ago. An amateur paleontologist as well, hmmm? He even has a fossil of that exact species in his store! Shouldn’t that be in a museum, bro?
That water looks a bit chummy.
The CGI attacks are fun and better than any made-for-ScyFy Saturday night movies. The kill-humor is 80’s-chic and includes eyeballs being tugged from their sockets. Some other kill-innovations include clever boat collisions, high tension wires, a girl getting scalped by a boat engine propeller, and a fish eating its way out of a person’s mouth. Breast implants, a severed penis and disembodied eyeballs drift about in the tidal chaos as well. Oh, and a piranha eats and then belches out a dick, there are lots of “halves” of people, one woman is “accidently” torn in half by her rescuers, and a dude walks on his bone foot. Nothing but fun, folks!!! I’m giving you pearls here!
To answer your question: YES. That is Ving Rhames using a boat engine propeller as a weapon. If you haven’t seen this movie, then you now know why you MUST.
What happens to O’Connell is absolutely priceless and even the very last moment of the movie is hilarious! I enjoyed this so much that I ordered it the same day I saw it and, with a little beer, I’d gladly watch it with friends two nights in a row. It’s that fun.
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John’s Horror Corner: Humanoids from the Deep (1980)
MY CALL: Quite easily this is the best mutant fish-man-frog movie on the market! If you like other trashy, exploitative Roger Corman classics, you’ll probably love this. As much effort was placed on campiness as gore, and boy does that usually mean it’s going to be fun. For an 80s B-horror, I give this a B+ for ludicrous entertainment value. Loved it! IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Any of my Horror Corner installments from the 80s, especially Contamination(1980), Inseminoid (1982), Deep Space (1988, which features our lead actress) and Galaxy of Terror (1981). Also try Piranha (1978) and sequel. For a more modern flick with a similar plot, you can’t go wrong or without laughing if you watch Piranha 3D (2010) and, of course, the sequel Piranha 3DD (2012).
An alternative poster. Not very interesting and definitely less indicative of the exploitative nature of the movie.
Humanoids from the Deep tasked writers with what would happen if the Creature from the Black Lagoon had procreated with a manatee and released its humanoid, tailed, ichthyoid and evidently all-male children off the coast of some north-Pacific American fishing town. The answer? They would capture and rape as many young women as possible—leaving many dead and sequestering some in case they desired seconds. That’s basically the story of this movie. Well, they tried to sell a little side plot about a cannery (for canned fish) that was threatening the livelihood of local Native Americans, but would help the local white fishermen. Not very interesting. But I guess the writers thought that a flat-out fish-man rape/snuff film would be a bit much all alone.
Nope. Not a severed leg. But a chick wrapped up in seaweed and saved for later. Hey, marine biologist, take some photos of this ASAP!
Our “let’s investigate”-minded protagonists discover the breeding ground and lair of these creatures. They clearly never played a zombie FPS because they’re aiming their shotguns for body shots and the creatures’ heads have over-sized exposed brains. Really, guys? How did you miss that? While they fumble about trying to eradicate these abominations we learn that the somewhat-attractive, 6-foot blonde, marine biologist (Ann Turkel of Deep Space(1988)) accompanying them seems far too knowledgeable about this allegedly unknown species. It turns out that her super-funded company was responsible for accidently creating these awful mutant, hyper-evolved sardinious killers. Who’d of thought that a big company would be responsible for such horror (Alien’s Weyland Industries; Resident Evil’s Umbrella Corporation; Jurassic Park’s InGen; Terminator’s SkyNet)?
Ann Turkel, our marine biologist, of Deep Space(1988). Look at her; trying to look all smart and stuff. If you’re a biologist, why do I always see hiding behind a camera.
The action in this flick is bad. Like, really bad. But that makes it no different from any other Roger Corman classic or featurette from John’s Horror Corner, right? So, it really poses no major problem or flaw for the genre. The acting is bad, but—come on! What did we expect from early 80s horror? The effects are just serviceable and attempts at gore are satisfactory, though less common than I’d prefer until the end, which is gore-rich. This hits its high point when the annual Salmon Festival is going on and they have to try to get the locals to buy this line of bull shit.
Man gets his face slapped off. Classic!
This movie is delightfully awful and adorably inconsistent. Three shotgun rounds to the chest and these monsters may keep coming at you. But use a bottle of drain cleaner, a two-by-four, or put a steak knife in the hands of a scared housewife and these amphibious aberrations fall apart as if one were attacking a bowl of organ pudding. They seem MUCH more strong and dangerous when facing a star protagonist than, say, a woman, child, or horrified teen. And, perhaps to convey the “rapid evolutionary rate” of these mutants, some have awkward triple-length forearms. If you have an Intro to Biology background, you’ll find some intriguingly obvious holes in the writers’ concept of genetics and evolution. After all, something with salmon and frog DNA can evolve in its own lifetime and should be able to mate with humans, right? That makes sense!
Here it takes numerous shots to take this bad boy down. Ann Turkel also taking more shots with her camera. Based on these image stills, you’d think she was a reporter.
Yet this chick, who will be naked in just a few seconds mid-fight, will somehow fend this beast off with some non-lethal object she found on the ground. Yay, consistency!
Our heroes’ coup de grace comes when they light a 50×100’ area of water surface on fire with gasoline. Somehow this helps the festival attendees to successfully thwart this brood of gilled villains. Of course! Because if I was a fish-man I’d become physically weaker if within ten yards of fire and, were I under water, I’d surely surface, catch fire, and remain at the surface so that I could burn to death slowly. REALLY?
Hey, look. It’s one of those huskies from “The Thing.”
The ending is predictable, but B-horror-wonderful! Mine are the rantings and ravings of a very pleased horror enthusiast. If you love horror and have yet to see this classic—stop what you’re doing, hop onto Netflix, sit down and enjoy!
Congratulations! You have a beautiful baby…uh–amphibious sea beast.
SIDEBAR: This movie is a rape-y rip-off of The Creature from the Black Lagoon, whichhas received a bit of remake buzz is the last several years. For some time, Breck Eisner (The Crazies (2010)) was attached with a rumored $90 million budget and Bill Paxton as the lead. This movie was to happen in 2007, but was delayed to 2011 because of the writers’ strike. Then, since The Wolfman (2010) did so poorly in box offices, the project was shelved. An old fan page has more details on the project. I have found little news on the project from this year except for what has been mentioned.
Yup, that creature concept just might have been a rip-off. But I’m so happy they did.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Three Musketeers in 3D
All for one and dumb for all
Three Musketeers reminded me of a scene from Anchorman. Steve Carell’s character Brick Tamland yells out “loud noises!” Brick unwittingly managed to review this movie with two words.
Director Paul W.S. Anderson (Resident Evil, AVP) injects his brand of loud dumbness to a literary classic and the result is curious. You don’t hate it or love it. You scratch your head in amazement at how unnecessary everything is. Was it necessary for a fat guy to talk about a bird pooping on him then have a bird poop on him? Was it necessary for Jovovich to do 50 slow motion flips? Was it necessary for everything to look new? Was 3D necessary?
Along for the ineptly fun ride is Milla Jovovich, Til Schweiger, Ray Stevenson, Christoph Waltz, Matthew MacFayden, Juno Temple, Mads Mikkelson, Luke Evans and a strangely moustached and fabulous Orlando Bloom.
People have been known to count all of the swear words in Quentin Tarantino films. I want to pay somebody to count all of Milla Jovovich’s slow-motion battle scenes in this film. I lost track after 3,235. There is an ultimate “oh geesh” moment where Milla in the words of Chris Traiger “Lit’rally” glides through 20 feet medieval security. She is a human who just decides to fly 20 feet whilst spinning. If somebody asked me to show them one scene from the film to summarize it this would be the clip.
The movie is equal parts cheeky and loud. I tried to write out the plot but I cannot remember what it is about. Something about French/English people angering each other then they sword fight. I will never say it is good but it breezes by and never makes sense. For instance, why do the soldiers only have guns when the Musketeers are running away? Did somebody go to the future and see Bruno Mar’s hair and decide to put double that on Orlando Bloom’s head?
I didn’t expect anything good from this film and that is why I enjoyed it. Do not go around saying I recommended this film. If you do watch it because of this review remember that it is dumber than the dumbest thing you’ve ever watched. The best thing I can say about it is that The Three Musketeers is never boring.
Here is a great idea. Watch this movie. Write stream of consciousness notes. They might end up like this.
1. Why are the clothes so shiny?
2. Orlando Bloom must have graduated from saucy look academy.
3. Are flying ships/blimps easy to build?
4. I don’t know what it going on?
5. Did Milla Jovovich really kill herself 10 minutes ago?……
6. Why are floating boats filled with helium shooting at each other?
Enjoy. write funny comments to prevent dumbness.
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