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John’s Horror Corner: Piranha 3DD (2012), proof that some horror remakes are just plain gratuitous!

August 9, 2012

MY CALL:  If you liked Piranha 3D then this is worth a watch and maybe even a blind buy.  It’s every bit as funny or funnier in some ways, but the big finale is a big nothing compared to its predecessor and I believe that is the major reason the most negative online reviews strongly favoring the original.  IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH:  Want funny and gross-out goretastic?  Drag Me to Hell (2009), Piranha 3D(2010), Final Destination 5 (2011), Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2011), The Cabin in the Woods (2012).  SIDEBAR:  This is a sequel of a remake of an original (1978’s Piranha) that has a sequel (1981’s Piranha 2: The Spawning), but this sequel is not a remake of the original sequel (which, by the way, was about piranhas that fly!).  TRAILER:  Click here to go to the Piranha 3DD Trailer Talk.

Taking place in some other lake in Arizona, this sequel begins with a foreboding reflection of Piranha 3D (2010) and a cameo by the crazier-than-life Gary Busey.  As if that wasn’t a slap in the face to taking a movie seriously, then enters David Koechner (Final Destination 5) and his double-D T’n’A advertisement for “The Big Wet,” his unsubtly named water park for adults lifeguarded by sexy, string bikini’d Cuervo girls.  The sloppy innuendo-rich commercial would likely disgust even the pioneers of Girls Gone Wild.  If there was a movie Freakonomics calculation called breast time it would be measured in breast seconds—the total number of breasts in a movie times the number of seconds that each breast is bare—then this movie’s breast second tabulation would result in a breast time of 300% of the movie’s actual running time.  It’s truly shameful.

While the above image does not continue to the “Breast Time” calculation…well, you get the point.

We transition from Girls Gone Wild to the opening scenes in American Pie as a bunch of just-out-of-college-aged friends are seeing each other for the first time in a long time (last summer, I suppose), romantic interests and tensions are introduced along with the gawky guys who never get it and the hunky ones getting all of it, and every chick is doable and playfully DTF.  These girls include Maddy (Scream Queen Danielle Panabaker; The Ward, Friday the 13th) and Shelby(Scream Queen Katrina Bowden; Nurse 3-D, Tucker and Dale vs Evil ).

This scene represents the stupidest moment in the entire movie–and, yes, there was a distinctly stupidest moment.  Here Maddy (Panabaker), a grad student in marine biology, goes swimming in the dark water alone at night with plenty of exposed skin to see if piranhas have infested the lake yet.  BRILLIANT!

Prophesied by the opening scenes, some very, very inappropriate shit happens in this movie—aside, of course, from the fact that a guy in a movie with “DD” in the title actually says “I’ve never been into girls with big breasts” in an effort to get lucky with a cute chick with small ones (Katrina Bowden).  People pray before sex in what can only be described as a van called “the sin bin” (and then, of course, die before getting it in), piranhas swim into vaginas, Bowden [imaged below] says “I think something is really wrong with me [because that would turn anyone on, right?] and if it is I don’t want to die a virgin”

and then a dude goes for it, then the piranha in her vajayjay eats his dick and we see waaaay too much during this scene which lasts longer than you’d expect, a piranha goes up a guy’s ass, David Hasselhoff refers to a small boy as a little ginger moron after the kid is killed in the face by a piranha, and a David Koechner’s severed head gets some bloody double-D motorboat action.

The best movie moment had to be the following quote:  “Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!”  I had to rewind that one IMMEDIATELY to see cute little Katrina Bowden say that line with a straight face again.

Have no fear, the cameos don’t stop with Gary Busey.  Christopher Lloyd is back!  He cracks the code and figures out why the locals are at risk—it has something to do with chlorine by-products and…wait a minute!  We have a huge, STD-filled water park; that’s a LOT of chlorine.

And Ving Rhames gets a double-piranha amputee cameo and he says (to the water at a water park, mind you!) “I’m not afraid of some punk-ass water” over and over again like a mantra.  When the bloody eruption of piranha gore arrives, Rhames goes all gun-legged Grindhouse and we get to see Hasselhoff’s double-Ds bouncing in slow motion.

This attempt at gross-out gore overkill is nothing when compared to the echelons-better Piranha 3D.  It’s still fun, but it fails the franchise and even fails the earlier scenes of this movie.

This is good, old-fashioned sophomoric bro-fun.  Enjoy…

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Trackbacks

  1. The Scream Queens of Film: Katrina Bowden « Movies, Films & Flix
  2. The Scream Queens of Film: Danielle Panabaker « Movies, Films & Flix
  3. The Scream Queens of Film [index] « Movies, Films & Flix
  4. John’s Horror Corner: Piranha 3D (2010) « Movies, Films & Flix
  5. John’s Old School Horror Corner: Humanoids from the Deep (1980) « Movies, Films & Flix
  6. Piranha 3DD (2012) Movie Review (Anchor Bay Three-Disc Combo: Blu-ray 3D / Blu-ray / DVD + Digital Copy Review) | Horrorphilia
  7. John’s Horror Corner: They Bite (1995) « Movies, Films & Flix
  8. John’s Horror Corner: Tucker and Dale versus Evil (2010) « Movies, Films & Flix
  9. John’s Old School Horror Corner: Blood Beach (1980) « Movies, Films & Flix
  10. John’s Horror Corner [INDEX] | Movies, Films & Flix
  11. John’s Shamefully Bad Horror Corner: Hold Your Breath (2012) | Movies, Films & Flix
  12. John’s Horror Corner: Boys Against Girls (2012), a female empowerment film written and directed by a man…hmmmm | Movies, Films & Flix
  13. Bitch Slap (2009), a modern grindhouse release which answers what it would look like if Tarantino reimagined a hard-R Charlie’s Angels | Movies, Films & Flix
  14. John’s Horror Corner: Bait 3D (2012) | Movies, Films & Flix
  15. John’s Old School Horror Corner: Forbidden World (1982) | Movies, Films & Flix
  16. John’s Horror Corner: Hatchet (2006), a brilliantly gore-slathered slasher spoof | Movies, Films & Flix
  17. John’s Horror Corner: Nurse 3D (2013), a stylishly culty exploitative delight | Movies, Films & Flix
  18. John’s Horror Corner: Bad Milo (2013), hands down the best movie about an ass monster I’ve ever seen! | Movies, Films & Flix
  19. Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014), clearly the most creatively named sequel of all weather-induced shark attack movies OF ALL TIME! | Movies, Films & Flix
  20. Zombeavers (2014), bringing us mutant rabid animatronic zombie beavers in this fun cheap campy horror | Movies, Films & Flix
  21. John’s Horror Corner: Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), an anthology that is so much more than simply Pinhead in space. | Movies, Films & Flix
  22. 3 Days until Halloween! October Pick #5: Trick ‘r Treat (2007) | Movies, Films & Flix
  23. John’s Horror Corner: The Haunting of Morella (1990), a smutty, possession-themed, boobstravaganza exploitation film with craptastic effects. | Movies, Films & Flix
  24. John’s Horror Corner: Faust: Love of the Damned (2000), a smutty, gory, cheesy movie about soul-selling revenge and deals with the Devil. | Movies, Films & Flix
  25. John’s Horror Corner: Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (2015), just loads of awesome raunchy gory fun! | Movies, Films & Flix
  26. John’s Horror Corner: Ava’s Possessions (2015), humorously addressing what happens “after” an exorcism…like support groups and warrants. | Movies, Films & Flix
  27. John’s Horror Corner: Deathgasm (2015), the New Zealand horror comedy where Ash vs the Evil Dead brilliantly meets Scout’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse. | Movies, Films & Flix
  28. John’s Horror Corner: Zoombies (2016), a low budget zombedy using the Jurassic World playbook. | Movies, Films & Flix
  29. John’s Horror Corner: The Shallows (2016), Blake Lively’s bikini meets Jaws (1975) and Castaway (2000) in this fun shark attack thriller. | Movies, Films & Flix
  30. John’s Horror Corner: Burying the Ex (2014), a horror comedy RomCom zombedy about an undead love triangle. | Movies, Films & Flix

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