John’s Horror Corner: Blood Beach (1980), the story of a beach that eats people and a flower monster.

 MY CALL:  This is basically a bad relationship movie that happens to have a sand monster in it.  Just terrible!  I would only recommend this to the most adventurous of bad horror connoisseurs.  WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD:  Tremors (1990) or Humanoids from the Deep (1980).

In the opening scene an old lady is walking her dog on the beach and she is pulled into the sand by some “thing.”  As she is pulled down screaming, before the release of Tremors (1990) by the way, her dog frantically barks for help.  A cat would have just watched her with contempt.  I’m just saying dogs are better pets in horror movies, that’s all.  Moving on…

With the help of her ex-boyfriend, beach patrol man Harry, Catherine investigates her mother’s disappearance.  It’s been a while and there’s still a spark there, but Harry is involved with someone else.  Luckily his girlfriend is eaten by the beach and he can devote his energy to Catherine, who he just learned is getting a divorce from her husband.

While this patrol man succumbed to the beach’s appetite, sadly his hairstyle persisted throughout much of the 80s.

After racking up a decapitated dog, a mutilated woman and a castrated rapist, police captain Pearson (John Saxon; John Saxon; A Nightmare on Elm Street, Black Christmas, Tenebre) and Sgt. Royko (Burt Young; the Rocky series; Amityville II) are entertaining sea monster theories from their police scientist (Stefan Gierasch; Carrie, Spellbinder), who presents some pretty radical evolutionary theories about moving from sea to land and “learning to walk” considering he’s never seen a specimen and his theories grow more insane later in the movie.

Here’s something that goes completely unexplained.  For whatever reason, the beach regurgitates this mostly dead guy.

I’m guessing they put all the blood into the title because there is almost no blood in Blood Beach.  The gore isn’t the only aspect of the movie that falls short.  The acting is weak (but that should come as no surprise), it drags along and the deaths are unexciting.  In fact, nothing about this movie was exciting.  People are being forcefully dragged to their doom and I’m watching waiting for something cool to happen…that should be the cool thing!!!!  Yet the victems behave like they’re in quicksand.  And WAY too much attention is paid to Harry and Catherine’s relationship, which is also painfully boring and got a LOT of screentime.  The most damning thing is that this movie featured the least exciting violent penis amputation in the history of film!  Such a scene typically comes with a wince, a gasp or even laughter (e.g., Piranha 3D and Piranha 3DD).

Worst castration scene EVER!

In the end they find the monster’s lair and we see the beast. What a disappointment.  It’s like an evil sunflower with a veiny scrotum for a body.  Monster-FAIL!

    

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! A slimy, STD-ridden flower.

John Saxon was the only good thing about this movie.