Trailer Talk: Underworld Awakening
There is a moment in the trailer when a pouty leather clad Kate Beckinsale says “This day had to come.” There are three things she could be talking about.
1.Was she talking about another sequel?
2. The Underworld series finally broke the World Record for most spins, flips, back flips, somersaults and cartwheels
3. Humans find out about the war between Lycans and Vampires and attempt to wipe them all out while Nu-Metal plays in the background.
These movies are not good. Vampires pout, werewolves growl and bullets fly in slow motion. However, I’ve watched them all and I will watch this one. They are kind of like the Resident Evil films but better.
The trailer also elicited some unintentional laughs. An angry vampire says “We must stand and fight.” In my head I envisioned the vampires sitting down and fighting. I’ve watched a lot of fight scenes and the only time I’ve witnessed successful chair fighting is when it is Tom Cruise (MI:3) or Jason Statham (Killer Elite, Transporter).
This movie will make a lot of money. More cows will die due to leather outfits and Kate Beckinsale will find new ways to pout whilst holding a gun and flipping.
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John’s Horror Corner: Hardware (1990)
John Leavengood
MY CALL: This is just plain fun if you’re looking for a cheesy sci-fi-horror that takes itself too seriously. The premise is creative, in a schizophrenically misled kind of way. IF YOU LIKED THIS, THEN WATCH: Hmmm, movies that feature killer robots with cool or fun effects…Hellboy 2: The Golden Army, Virus, Robocop 2, Terminator, and for a real Mars-setting killer robot movie try Red Planet.
This movie may raise a brow to you as you wonder “Why should I care about this? I never heard of it.” But to a seasoned movie fanatic this flick has quite an intriguing cast. It includes Mark Northover (better known as the unforgiving landowner Burglekutt from Willow), Iggy Pop as Angry Bob the DJ, Dylan McDermott (Cemetery Man, Hamburger Hill, In the Line of Fire), and our heroine Stacey Travis (Phantasm II, The Super, Only the Strong). It also made some money, grossing over $5
million on a $1.5 million dollar budget.
Somewhere in a post-nuclear apocalyptic world of crimson dunes and matching skies a man scavenges a severed robot head, among other shrapnel, half immersed in the sand. Between his attire and the surrounding environs, it appears as if one of the land pirates in Cyborg or Mad Max has ventured to a more friendly-atmospheric Mars. The technology in this “futuristic” world nearly rivals a 1980’s arcade game.
Mo (McDermott) is a regular Joe with a too-good-for-him artistic redhead girlfriend Jill (Travis). After months in the arid wasteland his fatigues are magically untattered and stain-free and his boots are still shiny, yet in the shower he practically sheds filth as if he was mud wrestling. These tiny inconsistencies warn me to brace myself for quality film-making. Despite the Hell hole suggested by the set designers, hair gel and the entertainment industry abound, apparently making it through the apocalypse unscathed. They’ve got radio talk shows and GWAR music videos. What more could you want back in 1990? So we (but not our heroine) come to discover that this robot head is from some self-repairing combat droid. Its self-repair occurs by way of stop-motion telekinesis—it’s a lot like an old Tool music video. The mecha-regenerative head’s face, detaching jaw, and crawling claws make me question whether or not Guillermo del Toro used this as his idea for the Golden Army soldiers in Hellboy 2. So similar, in fact, I find it doubtless! Other than the self repair scene and the head, this kill-droid is pretty lame-looking.
Jill ends up trapped with this terror of a droid in her apartment. The effects, acting and action are all very poor. This may be the worst killer robot movie ever. However the idea was pretty cool and likely fueled movies like Virus and Hellboy 2 with some great innovations. The end gets a bit weird-trippy and the gore is funny. In the end this drone, which has all of the dexterity of a drunk NYC hobo, is
defeated by a hot shower. Strangely enough, when you clean up a hobo they’re much less off-putting as well.
Despite all the flack I’m flinging at it, I enjoyed it. It’s a bit slow, but it has some interesting ideas and effects (for its time). If you appreciated the computerless effects of the 80’s and some mindlessly silly sci-fi flicks, then this should be right up your alley.
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Flypaper
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: This is a Clue mach-up with a bank robbery-gone-wrong. But what really went wrong was the movie. [C-] Take my opinion with more grains of salt than normal, though. Amazon reviewers really seemed to like this movie. I guess it just wasn’t my flavor of “dumb.” WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: The Ocean’s 11-13, Confidence, Duplicity, Trapped in Paradise.
This movie really missed the mark. I mean, I was entertained. But I’m not going to advise anyone see this unless they’re a die-hard Patrick Dempsey fan. Even playing someone with OCD, Dempsey manages to get a bit too melodramatic. It pains me to say that because any other day I’d say he’s a good actor. I’ve been a Dempsey fan for twenty years. The movie’s sort of funny. However I may not have laughed out loud once more than once. More the occasional appreciative smile of one of the rare funny moments or one-liners. This may have been the ONLY movie EVER where Jeffrey Tambor was neither likeable nor funny, and he’s REALLY funny. Yet somehow, not in this.
Patrick Dempsey (who plays Trip) leads a big cast with a ton of recognizable actors. Even if all of them aren’t millionaires, most of them have done some great work. My how far they’ve fallen since Oh Brother Where Art Thou, The Help and Identity. Anyway, Trip is a quirky, methodical, Sherlock Holmes-y, hypercognitive who finds himself at a bank when two different sets of bank robbers arrive…to rob the same bank…at the same time. One team is a pair of smash-and-grab job idiots. The other is a technically sound team of professional thieves. Naturally, there’s disagreement between the two gangs, but luckily Trip decides to risk his life and play mediator. At times, Trip is a little more up-tight Rain Man and a little less Holmes. He’s solving something and is cluelessly shocked when interrupted. Scenes like that are a bit annoying, as Dempsey lacks Hoffman’s savant-y finesse.
These bank robbers had arrived at the end of the business day to take the vault over night and take the customers hostage. So there is plenty of time for things to go wrong. With a dawning mystery of how two groups of bank robbers ended up at the bank at the same time, the movie turns into a Clue-style mystery. Some meant-to-be-outrageous things happen that really “should” have been funny. Trip spends the evening making random advances at a semi-cute teller. That “should” have been funny. I might have cracked a smile. But this was not worth my time. I really didn’t even enjoy disliking this movie.
The best lines and humor came from the B-list actors. Take that as a warning sign, like when a spooked skunk lifts its tail, and slowly back away from this one.
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White Irish Drinkers
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: A sincere, cathartic, jagged little pill that offers a certain something; a form of closure akin to This Boy’s Life or Good Will Hunting. [A] IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: This Boy’s Life, Good Will Hunting. TRAILER: This is a little misleading, but here you are.
Our witty, quippy and sharp-tongued, yet plausibly average star navigates a palpable mid-70’s Brooklyn. From an under-privileged neighborhood, Brian’s social group fails to understand that college could be anything but an excuse not to get a job. Brian is torn between art and the criminal proclivities of his manipulative and abused older brother, Danny. He may be from a rough neighborhood, but he’s a sweet, boyish twenty-or-so with an aw-shucks smile and Elijah Wood’s innocence. Hearing the newfound insights of a friend, Brian begins to dream that college could be his way out of this world which he undeniably uses to temper his self-worth.
Stephen Lang (Avatar, TV’s Terra Nova) performs excellently as the callous, abusive father. Karen Allen brilliantly plays his overworked wife whose Herculean efforts fail to hold the family together as she casts a blind eye to her husband’s actions. Most interactions with the parents are difficult, but there are some soothingly endearing moments like recurring teasing about mom’s cooking and nearly forgotten memories of how dad was before he got like this.
Drawing our attention is Brian’s artwork. The director carefully utilized this pathway to steer the plot, educe mood and engage undertones about Brian’s fragile relationships with the small world he knew, his crumbling family, and his own self doubt.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Big Bang
“Reality is a wave function. Sub atomic particles movie through liquid nitrogen that can go anywhere in the universe and entangle itself in a relationship.”
These are things you want to read in a book or hear in a film by Stanley Kubrick. However, these are not words you want to hear in a direct to DVD neo-noir with a 13% ranking on Rotten Tomatoes. Black holes, worm holes, doughnut holes and a confused looking Antonio Banderas are the themes of this film.
Something about this film told me it would be bad. I call it “Preview Sense.” I sensed the preview was attempting to hoodwink the audience into thinking it was a plucky noir with barely a mention of physics. My “preview sense” has taught me that if a movie is bad they give away everything in the trailer just to get audiences into the seats. For example, Dream House and The Double did this and both bombed commercially and critically.
Previews have been known to make action films out of drama period flicks. Also, a woman is suing the producers of the great film Drive because she said “the previews misrepresented the film.” The woman wanted more car chases. I’m happy she hasn’t gotten ahold of this film yet.
The preview is trying to hide that this is a movie where good actors slum in a bad movie and talk a lot while orange, blue and yellow lights bombard them. Hyper stylized movies rarely work. This movie seemed too stylized. I found two examples in the preview. The abundance of lighting gells and Sam Elliot saying:
“God is the wizard of Oz, he is the man behind the curtain and tomorrow I am yanking back that curtain.”
The moment I heard that quote I knew the film would put a soul hurting on me. So, obviously I had to watch and use it for Bad Movie Tuesday material.
This movie reminded me of the scene in Beerfest where Jay Chandrasekhar thinks he is the smoothest man alive. However, he is just incredibly drunk. I’m thinking this is the same thing that happened to the writer. He thought he was writing 2001 2.0 but he wrote Johnny Mnemonic 3.6.
The movie revolves around an imprisoned Antonio Banderas telling the story of how he was hired by a large Russian to find a woman. Along the way he meets various intellectuals, scientists, dwarves, rappers, waitresses and an angry James Van Der Beek.
I really do not remember the rest of the film. It all blends together in an a ball of “huh?” People talk, other people talk, Antonio Banderas talks….. The film is a whole lot of talking. If are making a direct to DVD noir film you should listen to Elvis and have “a little less conversation and a little more action.”
Teach yourself “Preview Sense.” It will save you time, money and sanity.
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Transformers 3: Dark Side of the Moon
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: Great, must-see action sprinkled over two scoops of mediocrity. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: After seeing the first two of the franchise I’d say tap on the breaks, like Michael Bay should have. While the action stays up to snuff, the plot and humor just seem to get worse.
I just never found myself invested in the plot. Essentially, I just watched scene after scene waiting for the next cool action sequence. And there were plenty of those; just none of the fun (or funny) inter-action scenes that were so delightfully common in part one.
It’s a shame when such superior production value and effects are washed away in a sea of cheap tricks and mediocrity. Numerous attempts at cute humor feel forced and the general seriousness of the Transformer characters—which had such a strong foundation in the franchise opener—become somehow yet less credible than even Revenge of the Fallen’s goofy, urban-style twins. The already fantastic shift from vehicle to humanoid robot just doesn’t seem to be enough for the producers as part two featured a puma-shaped Transformer and now part three’s “sandworms” [aka, Decepticon Shockwave], a vulture-bot, and one that even looks like the Predator! Part one had some, too, but the scorpion Decepticon battle scene was pretty heavy, so I’ll forgive it. Now these “extra special” Decepticons seem a bit too common. We don’t need more than one or two new Transformers per sequel. Tap on the breaks a bit, Bay!
A few flavorful changes were welcomed. For example, Optimus Prime has adopted a phalanx-fighting style a la Troy’s Brad Pitt or 300’s Gerard Butler. A nosy Ken Jeong, an OCD John Malkovich and an ever-debonair Patrick Dempsey were also welcomed additions. The least welcomed: an overly annoying Frances McDormand.
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Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
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Horror Movie Remake Tournament of Doom-Part 6
It is finally here. The finale of the Tournament of Doom. This tournament has been two years in the making due to John taking an Eat Pray Love type trip to decide the winner. His decision might have been easier had I not vehemently pushed Wicker Man through the tournament.
Can the Invasion of the Body Snatchers beat The Thing? Will Evil Dead 2 survive Nic Cage and the Wicker Man?
Mark: Before I get into the intriguing match ups I just want to thank my girlfriend Megan for making such great tournament brackets. If it was up to me to make them I would have been pulling a Zoolander on my computer for hours and zero writing would have gotten done. Because of these brackets the world has been scratching their heads in frustration and adoration.
Mark: Invasion of the Body Snatchers had a tough run to the semifinals. It had to defeat Let Me In and Piranha 3D. John made a great point when he said “the only reason they had to remake Let the Right One In was because people didn’t want to read Norwegian.” Also, Piranha 3D is a film about underwater body snatching/eating. However, the 20 minute scene of carnage seemed too much to me.
John: In the spirit of good taste I constantly feel the need to inform any first-time readers that these brackets include the 1982 The Thing (not the latest The Thing) and the 1978 Invasion of the Body Snatchers (not the 1993 and 2007 re-remakes that were so bad that they changed the title to fool you into thinking it was something else).
Mark: You could imagine my face when sitting in theaters I found out that the 2007 Invasion was not a remake/sequel/prequel to Red Dawn.
Mark: Invasion‘s victories mean squat because it has no chance against The Thing. Orson Welles could have directed a script by Aaron Sorkin and it still would have lost to Russell and Company. The alien/thing would put a hurting so bad on the body snatchers they would have quit making remakes twenty years ago.
John: They should have stopped making body snatcher remakes twenty years ago. The first (1978) remake awesome, the others, crap.
Mark: I’m certain 99% of the populace would agree that The Wicker Man has overreached. However, those 99.9% don’t appreciate powder kegs of crazy. The one thing lacking about this film is that Nic Cage did not attach a chainsaw to the stump of his arm. Cage was committed to the crazy but he never gets Ash crazy. Also, the ladies burnt Cage alive in Wicker Man. Bruce “Ash” Campbell survived ghosts, demons, skeletons and supernatural forces. Evil Dead 2 is a classic for all the right reasons….Wicker Man is a classic because it is bad.
John: I will never advise anybody to watch The Wicker Man…like EVER. While I enjoyed parts of it, which were unintentionally hilarious, I feel that it would be irresponsible to suggest that someone endure such a poor horror movie (all be it a decent comedy, though).
Mark: I’m thinking the body snatchers would not want to get into Cage’s head. Actually, they become friends and start a band called Cage and the Body Snatching Troubadours.
Mark: After 64 movies, lots of soul-searching, zero sleep and endless screaming matches we have finally chosen the two best films. The Thing and Evil Dead 2. These two movies are not only the best remakes, they are the best in their genres. However, one of these films must walk away as the victor. Who will it be?
John: Tough call, though. One is slapstick, the other is as serious as syphilis back before the advent of penicilin. Let’s break it down.
Mark: Evil Dead 2 propelled Bruce Campbell into super B-movie stardom and gave the world endless incredible quotes. I love this film and all that comes with it. I’ve owned three separate editions of this film and will continue to buy them until they deliver the Super Uber Extreme Director’s Cut of the Director’s Cut.
John: Agreed. Raimi also brought us the weirdest, creepiest, brow-raising stop-motion until Tool started making music videos. That over-the-shoulder head-rolling globetrotter of a zombie ballerina was way wacked out.
Mark: The Thing is not only one of the best horror films it is one of the most complete films ever made. I think it is perfection to the fullest. The tension created is second to none. Also, the practical effects and Kurt Russell’s beard are unmatched. You feel the cold, you dread the alien and you never want to shave again.
John: Agreed. Russell for President 2012.
Mark: Kurt Russell starred in Big Trouble in Little China. I’m thinking he could cause big trouble in actual China.
Mark: In the end, The Thing is too perfect to be denied. Evil Dead 2 put up a groovy fight but is no match for John Carpenter in his prime.
John: Let’s be real for a moment here. The moment you saw The Thing in the brackets, you had to know this was just going to be the 1919 World Series, right? We had a winner before we even had a competition. I can’t help but to wonder if future remakes will ever stand up to 1982–29 years ago.
Thanks for checking out our tournament. It has been a huge success and we enjoyed every second of it. Stayed tuned next week when John and I debate about who would win in a fight. Cary Elwes in Princess Bride VS. Charlie Sheen in Hot Shots Part Deux
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Attack the Block
Attack the Block is a unique vision by a unique guy. Very rarely does an interesting little horror flick like this come along from a robbery. The director Joe Cornish was robbed by some young hoodies and he remembered how scared they look. This robbery lead him to wonder what they would do if aliens attacked.
The result is Attack the Block. The film focuses on a group of teenage English hoodies who do battle with bear/wolf/gorilla aliens.
What I like about this film is that the characters are not afraid of these aliens. When they see the aliens landing on earth they go on the offensive. However, they are still young kids who may act adult but when it comes down to it they are still young punks in over their heads.
Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and Scott Pilgrim) is one of the producers and you can feel his influence with the mixture of humor and horror. Nick Frost (Shaun, Fuzz) adds a welcome comical and familiar presence as a pot dealer with a heart of gold.
Attack the Block is worth the watch because it is something you’ve never seen before. In a world of remakes and sequels it is nice to see a director with unique/fresh ideas.
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Paranormal Activity 3 (2)
I appreciate these films because they managed to make hundreds of millions of dollars on micro-budgets. Originality and superb marketing have made this trilogy a money machine.
I’ve enjoyed all three of these films but they’ve never wowed me. I love the concept and execution but I think they’ve never been the best in the genre.
The third film did what was necessary to refresh the series but I feel it was a slight misstep. Horror movies now a days feel the need to explain why evil happens. In the original Halloween Michael Myer’s evil was never explained. That is why the movie is so beloved. Rob Zombie remade Halloween and tried to explain the evil of Myers. I really disliked that movie. The unknown is scarier than a little guy with family problems.
This film gives the demon a name. I will not give anything away but it takes away from the mystery. Moriarty is a classic villain because Sherlock Holmes could never figure him out. The film Alien was so scary because you didn’t know what it was….and neither did the crew.
The biggest problem most people had with the first two films is that the male leads were alpha turds who didn’t take the situation seriously. The man in this film is a great guy who wants to protect his family and figure out what is happening in his house. You become invested in the family because you like them.
I’m pretty amazed at the wonderful performance of the two little girls in this film. The directors managed to get youthful/natural/mature performances out of them without compromising them like The Exorcist did to Linda Blair.
Paranormal Activity 3 did what was necessary to revive a series. However, in the process it managed to erase an intriguing mystery.
Check out John’s excellent in-depth review here
Movies, Films & Flix 