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Sci-Fi Football Team: Whoa! I Know Football

April 11, 2011

Hello all. Mark here. This is the third entry in the Football team extravaganza here at moviesfilmsandflix. John Leavengood has come up with a team that could give my Horror team or Jonny’s animated team a run for their money. My personal favorites are the Jumper and Nic Cage references. Also, any team that has the Killer Clowns From Outer Space as their vendors has got to be great.

Read it, Enjoy it, Don’t mess with the Rancor.

SCI-FI Fantasy Football Team

By John Leavengood

OFFENSE

Center:  On loan from George Lucas’s Star Wars franchise, the Rancor will be snapping into action in place of former center, King Kong.  Benefits:  At 16’1”, 15000 lbs, and boasting a Jevon Kearse-freaky wingspan of 23 feet, he’s really good at blocking.  Bummer:  His communication skills aren’t great and coordinated efforts just confuse him.  There, I said it.  The last time a quarterback tried to change a play from the line of scrimmage he got eaten, the fans started screaming, the rancor got nervous, and then he panic-shat all over the left guard like a spooked poodle.  Weakness:  Loud noises and zig-zagged running patterns.

Guards:  Gorignak, the rock monster from Galaxy Quest.  The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) from Race to Witch Mountain.

Tight Ends:  Sam Worthington’s Jake Sully from Avatar and Chris Evans from Fantastic Four.  Both are great general athletes.

Right Tackle:  Arnold Schwarzenegger from Terminator.  Urlacher always said he was “going to be a machine”.  The T-800 already is!

Left Tackle:  Chris Evans from PushBenefits:  He’s in damned good shape by human standards and will use telekinesis defend the QB’s blind side.  Bummer:  If you saw the movie, then you know he hasn’t mastered his telekinetic skills just yet.  He just got picked up as a free agent and the trainers don’t know this yet.

Wide Receiver:  Tom Cruise from Minority ReportBenefits:  Dude, the future cops had jetpacks, special future weapons, the best surveillance EVER, and psychics and they couldn’t lay a hand on him.  That guy cannot be caught!  Bummer:  Drug problem.  He occasionally tweaks out on clutch plays.

Wide Receiver:  Hayden Christensen from JumperBenefits:  He can think on his feet and be across the field in a second.  Bummer:  Like any character played by Hayden, he whines constantly.  The offensive coordinator can’t stand him!  Weakness:  Electricity.  Special Teams:  He typically returns the kicks and punts.

Fullback:  Vin Diesel from Pitch BlackBenefits:  Not only does that guy seem just plain mean, but he dislocated and relocated his shoudlers intentionally.  That kind of pain management is critical for a pro to make it through a season in this league.  He also has great night vision from his “shine job” in the clink.  Bummer:  He and the Rancor always seem to have a crush on the same stripper.  Their continuous feuding seems to keep the offense from finding proper unity.  Weakness:  Strippers.

Tailback:  Logan from Logan’s Run.  See if you can keep him from a few yards when his palm is blinking red and the pressure’s on.  A whole team of futuristic security couldn’t!

Quarterback:  Nic Cage from NextBenefits:  He always knows which play will work out best for him.  Bummer:  He only sees his own future and his hair looks awful.

DEFENSE

Defensive Ends:  Two Sylvester Stallones!  Judge Dredd and Demolition Man.  Now if only they could both be 60+ year old Stallone.  You know, after he started eating steroids three meals a day.

Defensive Tackle:  The Predator (1987, not those weaker sequel wimps).  Benefits:  He saw right through Schwarzenegger’s trap, just like he’ll see through opposing QB’s fake handoff.  He’s also a general, hulking badass with a prison schenk tucked in his wrist guard.  Bummer:  He intentionally screws up plays setting up the Alien to look bad.  For some reason they just don’t get along.

Defensive Tackle:  Edward Norton as Hulk.  Not Bana, he couldn’t control his business as well.

Nose Guard:  Optimus Prime.  Try running one down the middle past THIS.

Linebackers:  An alien from Aliens.  They’re FAST and pouncy!  Kevin Bacon from Hollow Man.  You’ll never see him coming.  The I, Robot robot.  Fast, agile, strong, and able to calculate the best plan of action at a rate of 1000 permutations per nanosecond.  Bummer:  The Alien fears fire and has mommy issues, Hollow Man has invisi-roid-rage and gets too many penalties, and the damned robot cannot violate the rule of robotics programming that prevents it from injuring a human being.

Cornerbacks:  Darth Maul and Johnny Rico (Casper van Dien from Starship Troopers), both display great acrobatic prowess.  Both demonstrate the ability to jump over the offense.

Safeties:  Two kangaroo people please.  They’re fast and their jumping ability allows for extensive pass blocking.  I’ll go with one from Warriors of Virtue and another from Tank Girl, the one Ice-T played will do fine.

STAFF

Trainers:  Yoda and Morpheus

Coach:  James T. Kirk, of course.  But he prefers to be called “the captain”.  The former coach (the “Architect” of The Matrix) lost an arm-wrestling match against Shatner.  The stakes:  the job.

Assistant Coach:  Jeff Fahey (Jobe from Lawnmower Man).  That dude had some scary-good ideas for domination.  If he could apply that to the field, then this season’s in the bag!

Offensive Coordinator:  Agent Smith from The Matrix.  His general hatred for living things helps him come up with some downright mean plays.

Defensive Coordinator:  Neil Patrick Harris from Starship Troopers.  Alan Rickman from Galaxy Quest helps out.  His pessimism is good for worst case scenarios.  They also have the crack-team trio of psychics from Minority Report.  Their foresight is great for calling blitzes!

Waterboy:  The cute little blue miner from Galaxy Quest.  “Miners, not minors!”

Owner:  Ana, from V.  C3PO is her personal assistant and R2D2 functions as her mobile cocktail table.

Cheerleaders:  Kristanna Loken (the TX from Terminator 3), the three-breasted hooker from Total Recall, Daryl Hannah from Blade Runner, Scarlett Johansson (Jordan 2-Delta form The Island), Kelly LeBrock (Lisa from Weird Science) and Monica Bellucci (The Matrix: Reloaded).  GOOOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!

Vendors:  The Killer Klowns from Outer Space will be in the stands selling contaminated cotton candy.  They also sell soylent green.  It’s people….people!

Commentators:  Data (Star Trek) stays on top of record-tracking with to-the-second updates of stats.  For the more congenial commentary we have the two-headed commentator from the pod races (The Phantom Menace).

PAST NEWS

“This is Tricia Takanowa and this is the news.  In sports: veteran center King Kong tested positive for steroids.  When confronted regarding the test results Kong claimed he knew nothing about how steriods got in his system and just trusted the trainers’ judgment when it came to ointments and vitamins.  Kong has been suspended pending a court decision.  –We now go to reporter Clark Kent who is first on the scene of a crime where 80 armed men were mysteriously…”

“We interrupt Storm’s weather-X report to bring you this breaking news:  After Rancor’s anxiety-induced defecation on Neo, the team’s winning streak came to an end.  Neo stormed off the field mid-play yelling I’m The One, damn it!  I can say “no” to bullets!  How did this shit happen to ME!?!  When asked what he planned on doing next he told reporter April O’Neill I’m forming my own team.  The team name?  Uhhh…The Ones.  Whoa!

“In the Sci-Fi/Horror draft recruiters are taking legal action.  It seems that the vague definition of wizardry has confounded the NAACP (National  Assembly of Atypical Creatures as Professional-athletes) regarding the movie genre placement of sorcery practicioners.  While no one argues that Julian Sands (Warlock) belongs assigned to horror, no team is willing to waste a bid on him.  The rookie free agents Harry Potter and Valdemort seem to be the source of the turmoil.”

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