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Romantic Comedy Football Team: You Had Me At First Down

April 13, 2011

This post is written by a man who once shot himself out of a cannon backwards. A man who busted out of an aliens chest. A man who first suggested Hummus.

This man is John Lasavath. When I suggested that he write a list I heard a “You’ve got mail” on my computer.  It was a Romantic Comedy list. When I turned around John was gone…much like my truck.

By: John Lasavath

Head coach:  Billy Crystal from When Harry Met Sally. You’re probably wondering right now, “Why would you want your football team’s persona to be a reflection of 5’7” Jewish guy who prefers baseball over football?” The reasoning is simple: Billy is a great motivator. The deli scene in “When Harry Met Sally” is famous for Meg Ryan faking an orgasm in the middle of a deli to prove Billy wrong in an argument. If Billy can persuade Meg Ryan to moan out loud in a restaurant, imagine what he could do with an entire football team. Hopefully it doesn’t involve faking orgasms.

Assistant Coach: Woody Allen from Annie Hall. The king of neurosis, Woody would make a perfect foil to Head Coach Billy Crystal. While he lacks motivational skills, he more than makes up for in analysis of the opposing team strategies and personnel thanks in part to his rampant OCD. Also would make a great deterrent against cocaine use by the players, as Woody is prone to sneezing away at the sight of mounds of cocaine. The anti-Scarface if you will.

Center:  The ideal person for this position would be Katherine Heigl from 27 Dresses. In the movie she plays a woman who plays the role of bridesmaid multiple times. This is quite similar to a center in that she “snaps” the bride to the groom, and in Katherine’s case she does this successfully multiple times. Side note: I have never seen the movie and am therefore basing this conclusion on what I remember from the trailer. So there is a chance I could be wrong, but I am okay with that since it means I don’t actually have to watch 27 Dresses.

Offensive Guards and Tackles: Comprising the remainder of the offensive line, the guards and tackles only have to worry about blocking and protecting. What romcom characters would be great at blocking? I would nominate all the townspeople from Lars and the Real Girl. When Ryan Gosling’s character starts to experience personal turmoil he starts to treat his sex doll as a real person. The townspeople know that Lars does this to help him cope with his problems, so they play along and pretend the doll is real in order to protect him from his turmoil. Jay Cutler is reportedly considering buying a sex doll himself after the Bears gave up the most sacks in 2010.

Tight End: …must not make obvious joke. Anyway, tight ends are a kind of hybrid of offensive lineman and wide receiver. They’re expected to block and catch passes. Dane Cook from My Best Friend’s Girl is the man for the job. Dane’s character in the movie is a guy whose job is to help guys get their ex-girlfriends to go back to them. He does this by going out on dates with these girls and treating them in the worst way possible, ultimately driving them back to their ex-boyfriends. In this way, he is able to protect his friends from a painful breakup. Dane’s friend Jason Biggs asks him for help Kate Hudson wants to break up with him. When Dane tries to drive Kate Hudson back to Jason, he ends up falling in love and sleeps with her instead. Unfortunately for Jason, tight ends score sometimes too.

Wide Receiver: With their flamboyant personalities and eagerness for the glow of the spotlight, wide receivers can be seen somewhat as the divas of football. Romantic comedies are a ripe genre to choose from, as the diva population is higher in RomCom than in any other movie genre. I could go with obvious and pick Jennifer Lopez or Cameron Diaz, but I think I’m going to go old school. One of the all time greats, Audrey Hepburn from Breakfast At Tiffany’s would be my pick for WR. Hepburn’s Hall of Fame stats are truly impressive: 2 Academy Awards, 3 Golden Globes, an Emmy and even a Grammy. In a career that spanned decades, “Breakfast At Tiffanys” was Hepburn’s most memorable role. Receivers would kill for this kind of attention. The only real life NFL wide receiver who has a legacy as comparable as Hepburn’s is Jerry Rice. Although I’m not sure he would look as good in a little black dress.

Fullback: Fullbacks are basically running backs who have a little more blocking power and usually pave the way for halfbacks to score a touchdown. Jack Lemmon from The Apartment would give Lorenzo Neal a run for his money in terms of setting up scores. In the movie, Jack is a businessman on the bottom end of the corporate ladder. In order to curry favor and work his way up, he allows his superiors to use his apartment as a place for their extramarital affairs. Needless to say, there wouldn’t be any scoring going on if not for Jack Lemmon.

Running back: Great running backs usually possess great vision, agility, and of course speed. They need all three of these attributes in order to dodge defenders and break away from them. Julia Roberts from Runaway Bride would run circles around Ray Lewis. In the film, Julia plays a woman who tends to get cold feet at the altar runs out on the groom. Just like in the NFL, the running lanes in a church are very narrow and full of angry defenders. Julia’s forty-yard time has not yet been recorded, at least until a church altar that is at least forty yards is found.

Quarterback: Answering only to the head coach, the quarterback is the field general of the offense. Great qbs must be devoted and be able to inspire their teammates in order to effectively run the offense. John Cusack of Say Anything would be my top draft pick. Wooing a girl isn’t easy. It requires a game plan and it needs to be efficiently executed in order to have any chance of success. Unfortunately, even the best laid plans go out the window and you’re forced to go for the miracle. Engineering the most famous Hail Mary play in romantic comedy history, Cusack holds a boombox playing Peter Gabriels’ In Your Eyes outside Diane’s window in order to win her back. Tom Brady wishes he could pull something like that off. Actually, he probably doesn’t need to.

Defensive Line (ends, tackles, and noseguard): These guys are the first line of defense from the oncoming attack of the opposing offense. Generally these guys are strong, aggressive, and will keep coming until the whistle blows. The entire cast of Sex and the City fits this role perfectly. After dominating the tv world for years, the ladies finally broke through the blocking schemes of the movie industry and sacked themselves a couple of movies as a result. With a third movie reportedly in development, these ladies have proven they are unstoppable, which does not bode well for QBs around the league.

Linebacker: Linebackers have a reputation for being unpredictable and violent. They love to give out hits like an old jukebox. Adam Sandler from Punch Drunk Love was born to play the position. A quiet person who carries an intense temper, Sandler’s character often explodes into violent rages that often get him into trouble. I sometimes wonder whether Punch Drunk Love was secretly written by Ray Lewis.

Cornerback: The cornerback’s job is to cover the wide receiver and make sure they don’t score. Basically, they’re professional cock blockers. Bradley Cooper in Wedding Crashers is the ultimate cock blocker. He’s cocky, arrogant, and just generally a huge douche in general. When he discovers Owen Wilson’s relationship with Rachel McAdams, Brad reveals Owen’s true identity. Owen becomes exiled from Rachel and her family. That’s a shutdown move if I ever saw one.

Safety: Safeties are usually the last line of defense help defend against the deep pass. Their deep pass coverage also affords them the opportunity to take advantage of the QB when they are unaware. Sandra Bullock from While You Were Sleeping shows great potential. When Peter Gallagher falls into a coma, an alert Sandra displays spectacular awareness makes a great play by intercepting Peter’s family and fooling them into thinking she’s engaged to him. She still has ways to go in catching up to Troy Polomalu in the hair department however.

Punter/Kicker: Rhys Ifans from The Replacements. Ok, it’s more a traditional comedy than romantic comedy, but I don’t care. I just wanted an excuse to have Rhys Ifans on my team.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Mark's truck permalink
    November 29, 1999 8:00 pm

    Best football lineup yet!

  2. April 13, 2011 10:08 pm

    Shot out of a cannon backwards…Rick Stevens would definitely approve. Hang Ten man.

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