Horror Movie Football Squad: I Know What You Did Last Season

With the football season almost finished, the Movies, Films and Flix crew have  compiled a list of potential teams that could make next season much more entertaining.

Mark – Horror Movie Characters

John – Science Fiction characters

John L – Romantic comedy characters

Jonny – Animated characters

We encourage you to join the fun! Chime in and let me know who I left out or who you’d put on a team.

Below is a scouting report for the Horror Sqaud.

Horror Movie Football Squad: The Amityville Cuddle Monsters (They weren’t too happy about this)

Coach: Hannibal Lector-Criminal mastermind and manipulator. The man eluded police for years and could easily inspire a team of murders, ghosts and Demons.

Negatives: Keep him away from interns and fava beans.

Assistant Coach: Bughuul (Sinister) – No opposing team would dare watch The Cuddle Monster’s game tape.

Negatives: Don’t watch the wrong game tape. He might steal your children.

Offensive Coordinator: Jigsaw – Imagine the plays and schematics he could draw up.

Negatives: Dying of cancer….shouldn’t be a problem because even if he dies he will have a fat Harry Connick Jr. lookalike carry on his playbook

Defensive Coordinator: Freddy Kreuger-He can “dream” up amazing plays. Plus the other team won’t want to sleep the night before. League rules won’t allow him to kill people – just disrupt their sleep cycles.

Negatives: Exists in a dream world.

Medic: Dr. Giggles: the Only man creepy enough to stitch up Leatherface.

Negatives: Movie flopped….still bitter… and his massages are a little rough.

Trainer: Buffalo Bill-He can put the lotion on the bodies of players.

Negatives: Gross

OFFENSE

QB: Ash from the Evil Dead series-The dude has been hit by everything and still keeps going. Plus, Evil Ash will be his back-up QB. Also, his intimate knowledge of the shotgun makes him great in the shotgun formation.

Negatives: Easily forgets plays, and his chin has trouble fitting in the strap.

Running back: Dracula-Bat, wolf, old, smart and fast. There is no tape on him because he doesn’t show up on film.

Negatives: Can only play night games.

Backup running back-Jamie Lee Curtis from Halloween-She ran from Michael Myers for twenty years. I can’t imagine anybody catching her.

Negatives: Stays in the game too long…ends up in bad sequels.

Fullback-Leatherface-If you need two yards on fourth down he will get them with his crazy redneck strength.

Negatives: Cannibal….always complains at dinner functions.

Wide Receiver: Creature from The Descent – the thing hangs on walls – imagine it catching a football.

Negatives-Always needs a visor and has to stay away from female spelunkers.

Wide Receiver: Pennywise – clown from It – Nobody will want to cover him. The dude is a freaky clown who can turn into a spider.

Negatives: It’s nearly impossible to find clown shoe cleats.

OT: Troll from Ernest Scared Stupid – Dude is a brick shithouse. Can pull a truck and run fast. Perfect if he has to pull.

Negatives: Keep him away from milk. Will never block a field goal.

OT: Sack Head dude from the 3D Resident Evil film – Every O-line needs the tatted up big dude. It worked for Kyle Turley.

Negative: He has a huge nail through his head which makes him deaf. Many false starts.

OG: Jason Voorhees – Slow moving but a wall. Very durable and very few false starts.

Negatives: Slow yet somehow fast. Not team player. Cannot defend the swim move.

OG: The fog from The Fog – you have no choice but to run around the fog or get sucked in. Plus there are thousands of people in there. Many hands to block.

Negative: With many hands come many hands to the face penalties.

Center: Nathan Fillion – Slither – He has so much muscle mass he can’t get drunk. Plus, nobody has heard of him.

Negatives: Almost goes out of his way to get hurt.

Tight End: Candy Man – Can run great “hook” (hey oooohh) patterns and incites fear in referees who rarely call him for a fifth penalty.

Negatives: You need a whole lot of footballs when he is playing. Also, he only has one hand.

Erin Harson – You’re Next – She is the Wes Welker of horror movies. Smart, thrifty, and impossible to conspire against.

Negatives: Her bangs might not work in the helmet.

Defense

DE: The Frighteners ghost – Fast and angry. If the left tackle is tough he can go under the field

Negatives: Michael J. Fox defeated him.

DT: The Blob – Takes up incredible amounts of real estate.

Negatives: Molasses makes fun of him.

DE: Creature from the black lagoon – he knows the swim move. Can get around defense.

Negatives: Constantly needs water…Hogs the ice pool.

DT: Bubba Ho-Tep – His only kryptonite is Old Elvis. Plus he can graffiti great smack talk.

Negatives: Doesn’t have the guts to make big plays.

Linebacking Core…..(Much like the modern Green Bay Packers)

LLB: Roddy Piper from They Live – Long hair, kicks ass, chews bubble gum and hates aliens (watch out sci-fi team)

Negatives: He always tries to make people put on glasses.

MLB: David Keith from They Live – Knows Russell and Piper. Dude can take a beating and still survive. He is the only man to stand tough in massive brawls and survive a shape shifting creature.

Negatives: Always a supporting character. Isn’t flashy. Solid numbers every year.

RLB: Kurt Russell from The Thing – Reads people well and survives monster attacks. The guy was the last person standing in Antarctica against a crazy alien. He could pretty much tackle anything. Great hair!

Negatives: Duh….he’s Kurt Russel, bro!

S: Michael Myers from Halloween–No matter how far away you think he is when you turn around he will be right behind you.

Negatives: Never talks, Might stab you, Can never repeat classic plays.

S: Demon from Paranormal activity – Interception machine. You can’t see him. Gets away with a lot of tugging and grabbing.

Negatives: can actually say that he is from hell. Not personable.

Corner: Rage infected person from 28 Days Later – If the dude wants to get to the ball, he will get to the ball. Nobody wants to get infected blood spit on them. Luckily, the league found a cure.

Negatives: MANY MANY MANY MANY penalties.

Corner: Invisible man – Good luck QB. Can’t read defense when you can’t see them.

Negatives: Kind of a perv. Watches cheerleaders during the game.

Kicker/Punter: Bigfoot – Huge foot. 

Negatives: Jokes are too easy.

Waterboy: Stripe from Gremlins: Intelligent, solid leader and can spawn thousands of Gremlins to run a cheap labor force.

Negatives: You will have to deal with shitloads of Gremlins.

Second String

Wolfman: Plays only once a month.

Frankenstein: Plays only on goal line plays

Chucky: It’s a bad thing when the demon from Paranormal Activity and the clown from It are creeped out by you.

Special Teams

The Blair Witch-She is great at cornering people.

The Mummy-Has no problem wrapping people up. “Get it?” (last comment contributed by Megan and her cheesy sense of humor)

The Leprachaun-put a piece of gold on the footbal and no blocker will stop him.

The Fisherman from I Know What You Did Last Summer-He knows where people will run and is great at catching them.