John’s Horror Corner: Inseminoid (1982)

MY CALL:  Not a cult classic.  Not so bad it’s good.  Not very gory.  Really just not worth it.  This is just tasteless–even if you think you like movies that are tasteless.  IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH:  Galaxy of Terror and Contamination; also early 80’s bad sci-fi-horror.  For some real sci-fi horror, Alien and Event Horizon are musts.  DRINKING MOVIE STATUS:  Approved. Perhaps necessary.  FYI:  There might be as many as ten different movie posters and DVD/VHS cover designs for this movie.  Also, Netflix quality is so-so, but maybe good enough for a movie like this.  Here’s another on (below).

You may have stumbled across this in Netflix as Horror Planet.  Then it was renamed and issued a new title, not unlike Contamination (not to be confused with Contagion) which was also released as Alien Contamination.  I’ll breakdown the premise for you—as if the title didn’t blatantly perform that task already.  A team sets out on an archaeological expedition to another planter investigating a tomb that when unreported from a previous, abandoned expedition.  Their goal is to identify the cause of extinction of an alien species.  Now since the planet’s surface temperature is a constant 89 degrees below zero, and noting the title of the movie, I’m gonna’ go ahead and guess that this un-heavenly body has been serving as a big alien sperm bank.

The story jumpstarts when some of the investigators are spelunking through bauxite cave and see a moving shadowy figure inside a crusty white chrysalis-looking structure which, for no reason at all, just explodes!  An unconscious scientist is then rushed to the medical bay clinging to a handful of crystals which contain “living matter.”  The “exposed” crew begin to exhibit a bit of space madness.  What maddened me was that neither these crystals nor the explosion were ever explained.  In fact, these scenes should not have been included in the movie.  Deleting them, with no replacement whatsoever, would actually improve the movie.

This flirts with being an exploitation movie, but never quite crosses the line.  The alien resembles some anatomical structures you may recall high school sex ed.  When we first see the “Inseminoid” it is inseminating a female crew member (who, of course, is naked on an examination table).  As if possessed, the now-impregnated and considerably stronger woman gets a little stabby with a colleague.  Naturally this worked up an appetite, so then she eats a corpse.

The violence (I hesitate to call it “action”) is very poorly executed and complemented with the liberal overuse of blood.  Other gore is minimal and uncommon; a severed head prosthetic here, a cut up leg there.  I expected more.  I guess the F/X store ran out of rubber guts. I was hoping that some scenes would look like throwing a side of beef in a wood chipper.  Needless to say, I was disappointed.  Making matters worse, this movie really doesn’t go anywhere.