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Wrath of the Titans

April 4, 2012

There is a scene in this film where the grand daddy of all Titans Kronos is unleashed on the earth. He is a gigantic lava monster that can spew molted rock and wipe out cities with one punch. In front of him is an army of men that are understandably worried. However, their generals are saying “hold the line.” Hold what line? There is nothing they could do to harm a mile high immortal creature of darkness. Couldn’t they run away and live instead of being destroyed swiftly by a lava titan? Their generals are inadvertently making them feel the wrath.

Wrath of the Titans is as pointless as a diminutive soldier attempting to stab a lava titan. Writing a detailed analysis is as necessary as flying a Pegasus through a monster with a magical trident.  All I can say is that the plot moves forward at such a fast pace it leaves little time for characters to develop. This is not a bad thing because sometimes you need dumb in your life. If every movie was great then you couldn’t make funny jokes about how “in a world full of Minotaurs and krakens it is nice to know that a well executed headlock still reigns supreme.”

Sam Worthington promised that Wrath would be better than Clash. He was angry about the criticism aimed towards him for being bald in the first film. In this film he does the same exact thing except he has a perm. I’m pretty certain that Worthington is a good actor. However, in this film he never gets the chance because everything that comes out of his mouth is loud and poorly written.

Examples of the bad dialogue are:

“What are you waiting for?”

“I promised my son would never hold a sword.”

“aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!”

The reason this film takes place is because Hades and Aires were being brats and wanted to unleash a horrible titan that they originally imprisoned. If I put Hannibal Lecter in jail and my brother angered me I wouldn’t be tempted to help Hannibal escape from prison. In the end, Zeus and Hades fight Kronos. The problem is that all three of them stand stationary and takes turns throwing CGI stuff at each other. I’m surprised they didn’t give Kronos a CGI beard.

If gods are immortal do they shave? Wouldn’t their beards be perfect? I watched The Immortals and the gods in that film were all Abercrombie models who wore matching shiny armor.

Wrath is charmingly dumb. I dug it because Mystery Science Theater 3000 would need 17 episodes to relinquish all their quips. This is a true audience film because it unites the world in pithy comments.

The movie does have several positive upgrades. Rosamund Pike is solid as Andromeda. However, her role consists of her charging at monsters and getting knocked back twenty feet.

The best part of the movie is Toby Kebbell as Agenor. Kebbell plays a demigod who hasn’t lived up to his father Poseidon’s expectations. Agenor is a thief who quips aplenty and helps Perseus save the world.

Watch Wrath of the Titans. Love the dumb. Discover your inner quip monster.

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