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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Good Bad, the Bad Bad and the Ugly Bad of 2012

January 1, 2013

Hello all. Mark here

2012 provided a plethora of fantastic cinema. Check out the Top Ten, Awesomely Awesome Awards and the Mostly Awesome Awards However, this post will stay away from the good and focus on the bad. The goal is not to hate or diminish the work. What I  have in store is a celebration of all things bad in 2012. The awards will be many and the pithy statements will be aplenty. Sit back, relax and appreciate the bad.

Best Bad Poster of the Year

They answered the question they asked in the poster. I was going to guess a something else but then I saw the money beneath his shirt. I love it when movie posters make me feel like a detective.

contraband

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Best asking for a salad while kidnapped by a beheading happy drug cartel Award

Instead of being happy she has a bed and pizza Lively complains about lack of salad. I heard Oliver Stone wanted to include this in Platoon but the studio wouldn’t allow it (not researched). Don’t watch The Savages. 

Savages Benecio Del Toro

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It made The Ugly Truth look good which makes 27 Dresses look like a classic which makes Knocked Up epic

One for the Money = Yikes. I’d wager the lowest grossing theatrical release of all time called Zzyzx Road starring Katherine Heigl might be better. I got to add a picture of John Leguizamo though.

One for the MOney John Leguizamo

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I don’t remember a Single Thing These People Said Award

Rock of Ages.  I thought this film ended but had to endure another 45 minutes of not remembering dialogue.

Rock of Ages Julliane Hough

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Wealthy Good Looking Rich People Being Selfish Award.

Friends With Kids is the worst film of the year. Makes you not want to watch any more movies about first world problems.

Friends With Kids Movie Poster

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Nic Cage is the Greatest Thief in the World. Josh Lucas Kidnaps His Daughter. Lots of Bad Wigs and Painful Running Follows Award

Stolen is the best bad movie of the year

Stolen Nic Cage

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He Sought Justice and Found It

Seeking Justice is a head scratcher. I lost track of the plot and enjoyed Nic Cage continuing to work off his debts.

Seeking Justice mask

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The Exploitation of Nic Cage Continues

Ghost Rider 2 is not awesome. I thought it might be awesome. I was wrong.

Nic Cage ghost rider

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Best Horror Mutant Found Footage Film That Features Zero Mutants Award

I appreciate the fact that the entire movie is about Chernobyl mutants killing dumb people and they never show the mutants.

chernobyl_diaries_image2_042012 reactor

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You know He is Depressed Because He Wears Lil Hats Award

He was only contractually obligated to wear the beanie for three minutes before he wore a perfectly tailored suit in Safe.

Safe Jason Statham

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Looking at stuff in a Magical World Award

Kristen Stewart is unmatched at lookng at stuff

snow white and the huntsman kristen stewart

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Runner Up: Looking at Stuff While a Mold Loving Ghost Haunts You Award.

Stewart’s Twilight costar Ashley Greene has obviously studied and learned to mimic the master. You gotta watch The Apparition.

The apparition Ashley Greene

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Longer hair, Loud Noises, Can’t win

Wrath of the Titans is loud, dumb and louder…It is also boring. I thought that would be impossible. I learn something every day

wrath of the titans poster

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Best War Face Award

This explains itself.

Rosamund Pike Wrath of the Titans

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How do you hold “the line” against a mile high lava monster Award?

A general tells his men to hold the line against the father of all titans. Doesn’t seem fair.

wrath of the titans poster 2

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Best TNT film – Man on a ledge

It will have a long life on cable with it’s literal title, name recognition and plethora of leather catsuits.

Man on a Ledge Genesis Rodriguez

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I Was Feeling Bad For You Until I Saw You Are in Star Trek 2

Alice Eve had to survive a poindexter Canadian killer in ATM and she endure the Cusack neck squeeze of doom in The Raven.

John Cusack Alice Eve The Raven

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Best Hair

John Cusack + A Bad Movie = classic hair

John Cusack The Raven

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The Tank Top Horror Film of the Year

Silent House: You haven’t read my Tank Top Horror post yet? Do it now!……Please.

Elizabeth Olsen Silent House

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Probably the Most Vulgar Thing I’ve Ever Seen Award.

Vanilla Ice was %100 likable. That’s My Boy leaves no poop/incest/adultery joke behind.

thats my boy vanilla ice

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Why Can’t Knoxville Be in a Good Movie?

Nature Calls hurt the soul. I’m hoping The Last Stand will be good.

Knoxville

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Makes More Sense Than Underworld 4 Award

Resident Evil 5 makes ZERO sense which makes Underworld all the more impressive.

Resident Evil 5 Milla leather outfit

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When Keeping it Underacted Goes Wrong Award

Carell has invented an acting style I call “moping.” He shrugs around while poor Knightley has to be the sprightly one. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World should have been more than a mope fest.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World Steve Carrel

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Food trucks Solve All Problems Award

Think Like a Man and What to Expect use the food trucks to cringe worthy effect. The worst part is poor Anna Kendrick owns one of them.

Anna Kendrick

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Best Boots and Footloose Montage Award

The Amazing Spider Man is something I’ve seen like eight times before.

The Amazing Spider Man Gwen Stacey boots

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Best Ben Stiller Sterility Subplot Award

The Watch was soul crushing. It broke the land speed record for most crotch jokes in the first 12 minutes.

The Watch Vince Vaughn

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Kate Beckinsale Looks Fantastic But the Script, Story and Acting Are All Incomprehensible. Total Recall and Underworld 4 are Totally Bonkers.

They spend more time making her look good than actually writing a script. I’m actually 100% certain Underworld 4 didn’t have a script.

Kate-Beckinsale-in-Underworld-Awakening-2012-Movie-Image1

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Best Sequel To a Prequel of a Prequel That Occurred Because of a Sequel

The Scorpion King 3 enters levels Inception couldn’t touch. Somebody speaks this line too “Your breath smells like rotten yak carcus.”

The Scorpion King 3 Battle for Redemption

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Worst Fight in a Good Movie

Batman and Bane are supposed to be martial arts masters who belong to the League of Shadows. Instead, they throw wild haymakers and occasionally mix it up with a gut shot. It baffles me that Batman never tries to hit that mask thingy. Also, who catches punches nowadays? I still like The Dark Knight Rises despite the hundreds of monologues. Read my post about The Scarecrow. It is fantastic! I love shameless plugs. Also read all of John’s replies and analysis.

the dark knight rises punch

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Oddest moment in a good movie

A boatload of establishing films and a world conquering villain. So, why does The Avengers spend like 30 minutes fixing a propeller? Is that what made Robert Downey Jr. $50 million? Stoked for the next one though!

Joss Whedon

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If you ever want a sweet leather jacket for cheap you should chill with Tom Cruise

Cruise stole a perfect jacket in MI4. Now, he is buying perfectly tailored jackets at Goodwill in Jack Reacher. I hope he doesn’t think it is that easy.

Jack Reacher Tom Cruise

Comment. Appreciate. Tell me your bad awards.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Ham Sandwich permalink
    January 1, 2013 9:37 pm

    Gotta love Nick Cage movies!

    • January 2, 2013 10:17 am

      What is better than one bad Nic Cage movie?
      3 bad Nic Cage movies!

      • Sweet Sugar permalink
        January 4, 2013 7:53 pm

        Or may just two Nic Cage movies

  2. johnleavengood permalink
    January 2, 2013 8:27 am

    While watching it I thought I was being subjected to the Wrath of the Titans.

    • January 2, 2013 10:26 am

      MY favorite bad scene of the war is the General telling his men to “hold the line” against Kronos. If I was a soldier I would be SO pissed. There is no shame in running from the father of all titans

      • johnleavengood permalink
        January 2, 2013 11:20 am

        How do you “hold the line” against something so hot you’d incinerate if you stood next to it, so big that it could batter you to death with a fart, and so strong it could knockout the Pacific Rim monster?

    • January 2, 2013 11:29 am

      In a better movie Kronos would fart lava….
      Also, the only thing the Staypuff Marshmellow man fears is Kronos

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