Bad Movie Tuesday: The Good Bad, the Bad Bad and the Ugly Bad of 2012
Hello all. Mark here
2012 provided a plethora of fantastic cinema. Check out the Top Ten, Awesomely Awesome Awards and the Mostly Awesome Awards However, this post will stay away from the good and focus on the bad. The goal is not to hate or diminish the work. What I have in store is a celebration of all things bad in 2012. The awards will be many and the pithy statements will be aplenty. Sit back, relax and appreciate the bad.
Best Bad Poster of the Year
They answered the question they asked in the poster. I was going to guess a something else but then I saw the money beneath his shirt. I love it when movie posters make me feel like a detective.
Best asking for a salad while kidnapped by a beheading happy drug cartel Award
Instead of being happy she has a bed and pizza Lively complains about lack of salad. I heard Oliver Stone wanted to include this in Platoon but the studio wouldn’t allow it (not researched). Don’t watch The Savages.
It made The Ugly Truth look good which makes 27 Dresses look like a classic which makes Knocked Up epic
One for the Money = Yikes. I’d wager the lowest grossing theatrical release of all time called Zzyzx Road starring Katherine Heigl might be better. I got to add a picture of John Leguizamo though.
I don’t remember a Single Thing These People Said Award
Rock of Ages. I thought this film ended but had to endure another 45 minutes of not remembering dialogue.
Wealthy Good Looking Rich People Being Selfish Award.
Friends With Kids is the worst film of the year. Makes you not want to watch any more movies about first world problems.
Nic Cage is the Greatest Thief in the World. Josh Lucas Kidnaps His Daughter. Lots of Bad Wigs and Painful Running Follows Award
Stolen is the best bad movie of the year
He Sought Justice and Found It
Seeking Justice is a head scratcher. I lost track of the plot and enjoyed Nic Cage continuing to work off his debts.
The Exploitation of Nic Cage Continues
Ghost Rider 2 is not awesome. I thought it might be awesome. I was wrong.
Best Horror Mutant Found Footage Film That Features Zero Mutants Award
I appreciate the fact that the entire movie is about Chernobyl mutants killing dumb people and they never show the mutants.
You know He is Depressed Because He Wears Lil Hats Award
He was only contractually obligated to wear the beanie for three minutes before he wore a perfectly tailored suit in Safe.
Looking at stuff in a Magical World Award
Kristen Stewart is unmatched at lookng at stuff
Runner Up: Looking at Stuff While a Mold Loving Ghost Haunts You Award.
Stewart’s Twilight costar Ashley Greene has obviously studied and learned to mimic the master. You gotta watch The Apparition.
Longer hair, Loud Noises, Can’t win
Wrath of the Titans is loud, dumb and louder…It is also boring. I thought that would be impossible. I learn something every day
Best War Face Award
This explains itself.
How do you hold “the line” against a mile high lava monster Award?
A general tells his men to hold the line against the father of all titans. Doesn’t seem fair.
Best TNT film – Man on a ledge
It will have a long life on cable with it’s literal title, name recognition and plethora of leather catsuits.
I Was Feeling Bad For You Until I Saw You Are in Star Trek 2
Alice Eve had to survive a poindexter Canadian killer in ATM and she endure the Cusack neck squeeze of doom in The Raven.
Best Hair
John Cusack + A Bad Movie = classic hair
The Tank Top Horror Film of the Year
Silent House: You haven’t read my Tank Top Horror post yet? Do it now!……Please.
Probably the Most Vulgar Thing I’ve Ever Seen Award.
Vanilla Ice was %100 likable. That’s My Boy leaves no poop/incest/adultery joke behind.
Why Can’t Knoxville Be in a Good Movie?
Nature Calls hurt the soul. I’m hoping The Last Stand will be good.
Makes More Sense Than Underworld 4 Award
Resident Evil 5 makes ZERO sense which makes Underworld all the more impressive.
When Keeping it Underacted Goes Wrong Award
Carell has invented an acting style I call “moping.” He shrugs around while poor Knightley has to be the sprightly one. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World should have been more than a mope fest.
Food trucks Solve All Problems Award
Think Like a Man and What to Expect use the food trucks to cringe worthy effect. The worst part is poor Anna Kendrick owns one of them.
Best Boots and Footloose Montage Award
The Amazing Spider Man is something I’ve seen like eight times before.
Best Ben Stiller Sterility Subplot Award
The Watch was soul crushing. It broke the land speed record for most crotch jokes in the first 12 minutes.
Kate Beckinsale Looks Fantastic But the Script, Story and Acting Are All Incomprehensible. Total Recall and Underworld 4 are Totally Bonkers.
They spend more time making her look good than actually writing a script. I’m actually 100% certain Underworld 4 didn’t have a script.
Best Sequel To a Prequel of a Prequel That Occurred Because of a Sequel
The Scorpion King 3 enters levels Inception couldn’t touch. Somebody speaks this line too “Your breath smells like rotten yak carcus.”
Worst Fight in a Good Movie
Batman and Bane are supposed to be martial arts masters who belong to the League of Shadows. Instead, they throw wild haymakers and occasionally mix it up with a gut shot. It baffles me that Batman never tries to hit that mask thingy. Also, who catches punches nowadays? I still like The Dark Knight Rises despite the hundreds of monologues. Read my post about The Scarecrow. It is fantastic! I love shameless plugs. Also read all of John’s replies and analysis.
Oddest moment in a good movie
A boatload of establishing films and a world conquering villain. So, why does The Avengers spend like 30 minutes fixing a propeller? Is that what made Robert Downey Jr. $50 million? Stoked for the next one though!
If you ever want a sweet leather jacket for cheap you should chill with Tom Cruise
Cruise stole a perfect jacket in MI4. Now, he is buying perfectly tailored jackets at Goodwill in Jack Reacher. I hope he doesn’t think it is that easy.
Comment. Appreciate. Tell me your bad awards.
Movies, Films & Flix 
Gotta love Nick Cage movies!
What is better than one bad Nic Cage movie?
3 bad Nic Cage movies!
Or may just two Nic Cage movies
While watching it I thought I was being subjected to the Wrath of the Titans.
MY favorite bad scene of the war is the General telling his men to “hold the line” against Kronos. If I was a soldier I would be SO pissed. There is no shame in running from the father of all titans
How do you “hold the line” against something so hot you’d incinerate if you stood next to it, so big that it could batter you to death with a fart, and so strong it could knockout the Pacific Rim monster?
In a better movie Kronos would fart lava….
Also, the only thing the Staypuff Marshmellow man fears is Kronos