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2012 Most Awesomely Awesome Awards [Part 2]

December 28, 2012

The Hof saw fit to grace us with his 2012 Awesomely Awesome Awards.  Read them.  Love them.  My favorite was when Hulk won the coveted “Best God Punch” award and Norton keeps cool as shit gets real in The Bourne Legacy.  Anyway, I came up with some awards of my own for 2012’s higher profile releases.

The best movie of 2012 that gave viewers NOTHING that the trailer promised–Prometheus.

They edified a campaign adamantly denying that this was not an Alien prequel .  It was.

They promised us answers.  We just left with even more questions like “what was that black goo?”.

We expected the best screenplay of the decade.  We got something rushed for a deadline that yielded hardly credible characters and completely unrelated (though very cool) scenes shoehorned together into a poorly synthesized effects-driven summer blockbuster.  [Click the two hyperlinks in here to see a play by play of the misinformation campaign that was this movie.]
Engineer 1:  Brother, what will humans learn of our race and why we created them?
Engineer 2:  Ummmm…pretty much nothing.
Engineer 1:  And what of the actions of the Space Jockey from “Alien” and our intentions?
Engineer 2:  Again, nothing.
Engineer 1:  Well…?  Why did we even make this “Prometheus” movie?
Engineer 2:  [shrugs]  No clue.  Now, excuse me, I have to drink some black goo so that movie goers will get frustrated trying to figure out why–and not get an answer.

The most poorly re-imagined franchise re-imagining–The Amazing Spider-Man.

How many times do we have to learn about this kid’s family dynamic and teen gawkiness.  He’s Spider-Man.  We get it.  He’s a nerd that invented web shooters in high school and he should probably become an engineer or a physicist.  Instead he wrestles CGI lizards and wears the kind of tights that get your ass kicked anywhere except for ComicCon.
I feel the same about this reboot as I do this suit…not sure if I love it or hate it.

Best bootlegging period film of 2012Lawless.  Really!  Name one better bootlegging period film that came out this year.  I dare you!  See?  You can’t.

Most unexpected nudity–Jessica Chastain in Lawless.  Remember that scene? It really had no business being there.  [Thank you!]

Most likely to win an Oscar for eye-acting–Tom Hardy in Lawless.  Watch this movie again and watch Tom Hardy’s eyes.  He hardly needed lines.  He could’ve made his way through that entire film relying on sleepy eyelids and brass-knuckled throat punches.

Sweeping the awards this year, The Cabin in the Woods walks away with four awards…

Best giant apocalyptic Chthulu hand–The Cabin in the Woods.  Some folks rolled their eyes at this, but I must admit that I’ve never seen a better giant apocalyptic Chthulu hand in any movie EVER. I thought it was a fun-spirited idea that worked in the context of this way off topic horror film.

Most innovative use of a Merman–The Cabin in the Woods.  This really requires no explanation whatsoever beyond Bradley Whitford’s own words “I just think it would’ve been cooler if there was a merman.”

Best Metafilm of 2012–The Cabin in the WoodsThis movie, unlike Prometheus, actually provided viewers with answers–not just to this movie, but to all horror movies.  Many questions remain, but The Cabin in the Woods managed to make sense of much horror commonplace previously considered senseless malarkey.  For example: Why would you have sex NOW?  Who would have sex THERE? Why go out there alone?  Split up?—are you insane?  No, don’t investigate and don’t ‘be right back.’
This movie even explained that there is, in fact, a difference between “redneck zombie torture family” and “zombies.”  But they never explain “Kevin” in the bottom left of the murder board.

Most justified in-context sex scene in a horror film–The Cabin in the Woods.  While this feels a little like double-dipping from the previous award, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve questioned the appropriateness of sexual conduct while a friend is missing or dead and we have no contact with anyone.

Chris Hemsworth wins the award for Most damned movies released out of order in one year.  So Thor came out May 6th 2011, The Cabin in the Woods was April 2012, The Avengers was May 2012, Snow White and the Huntsman in June 2012, and Red Dawn just came out this November (2012).  But hold on a minute.  The Cabin in the Woods and then Red Dawn were both completed BEFORE he even started bulking up for Thor. Meanwhile, uninformed movie goers were thinking Hemsworth went from “super bulky Thor, to lean CK-chic horror jock, back to super-bulky Thor and Snow White, then drop to medium-sized in Red Dawn again…this guy bulks and fasts like Christian Bale!”

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