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Bad Movie Tuesday: Stolen

December 11, 2012

Stolen movie poster


Stolen is a perfect bad movie. Bad wigs, big stars and Nic Cage grimacing every time he runs. Stolen is the story of a man recently released from prison who has to rescue his daughter from Josh Lucas. The movie features slow car chases in parking garages, complaints about CCR and dialogue so bad it left me convinced somebody jumped on a keyboard and got lucky. Is this a bad thing? Nope. It is an wonderful experience that provides a cornucopia of fantastic badness and memorable Cagisms.

I am not going to dig into the finer points of this film. Instead, I am only going to cover the stupendous and over the top moments and dialogue that make this movie such a treat.

What is Cage’s best weapon? He has perfected elbowing people in the face. Many times in the movie police have Cage cornered and he wallops them with a massive elbow. In the picture below the two cops are about to catch massive elbows of doom.

Stolen Nic Cage elbow of doom


The elbows allow Cage to run and grimace.

Stolen Nic Cage running


He then uses cutting edge technology to break into places.

Stolen Nic Cage


How do you know Cage is the greatest thief ever? Somebody says “Bad idea to steal from America’s greatest bank robber.”

Stolen Malin


He steals the gold and runs (while grimacing) to save his daughter from the evil Josh Lucas. How do you know he is evil? Because he has “evil” tattooed on his hand.

Stolen Josh Lucas leg


Here is a close up of Mr. Lucas. He hates CCR, good wigs and people ignorant of New Orleans culture.

Stolen Josh Lucas


Josh Lucas seems miserable. Malin Ackerman  looks confused. MC Gainey makes misogynist statements and Danny Huston wears strange hats.

Jason Segel’s character from Forgetting Sarah Marshall could have used Stolen’s score for his Dracula musical. It is bombastic and often distracting from the film. Watching Nic Cage running on top of cars while music from Transylvania plays is kinda fantastic.

Stolen is perfect for a bad movie night. It is funny, never boring and often confusing. It makes me hope for a Season of the Witch 2 with Josh Lucas as the bad guy.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. johnleavengood permalink
    December 16, 2012 1:57 pm

    Wow. Lucas looks like a farce of a parody of a satire of a villain. I feel like I never want to see this movie because of how weird he looks in this.


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