A certified bro’s perspective on Beautiful Creatures (2013)
MY CALL: Carrie meets Titanic in this angsty supernatural high school love story. There’s just something about teenagers talking about destiny that makes me angry. MORE FROM “a certified bro”: Try some mommy issues, poor communication and dangerous travel in the spirit of girly independence with Blue Crush 2 (2011).
DISCLAIMER FROM A CERTIFIED BRO: Not sure how the teenage girl target audience felt about this. But I’m a 32 year old certified bro and a Jersey Italian and this bored me to tears. I live for bench pressing, Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, bicep tattoos and high-fiving alcohol-based accomplishments. Maybe if you grew up on Hannah Montana, this film could be for you. Me? I happened not to read the book by Kami Garcia. I think I was busy hocking loogies, thinking up new dick jokes or doing push-ups or something.
I was becoming wary of channel-surfing for fear that I’d stumble across some lovesick glittery bloodsucking Edward loaded with teen angst (despite being WAY older than any teenager) and in need of some bored looking Kristin Stewart to fill the void in his eternal life. Five movies that franchise lasted…FIVE! Is it just me, or is that a lot of screen time to devote to a group of anemic high schoolers who haven’t showered the glitter off since their last trip to the champagne room? Well, thankfully the Twilight Saga (2008-2012) has come to an end. But just when I thought I was done with sparkly vampires and it was safe to let women pick the movies again, this shit happens!
Ushering in more testosterone-depleting pain is a one-horse town southern boy and his true love: a pale, angsty high school witch! This is basically Twilight all over again except that the mortal star is a harshly accented Forrest Gump of a southern boy instead of Kristen Stewart and we get a pale magical antisocial girl instead of a pale supernatural antisocial Edward. Ethan (Alden Ehrenreich; Stoker) is our lovesick male lead and, get this, he’s been dreaming about the same girl (Lena) almost every night. He’s fallen in love with someone he’s never even met and has made dozens of sketches of her. So, in sum, like Leo DiCaprio in Titanic (1997) he’s an artist who has been sketching the literal girl of his dreams who he’s never met. LAME! Hey, Ethan, there’s a word for someone who’s in love with someone they’ve never met: STALKER! At least the writers knew what they were doing. Later in the film they actually sneak in a joke comparing these star-crossed lovers to Kate and Leo.
When Lena (Alice Englert) strolls into his classroom at the beginning of the school year, he sees the girl of his dreams. All bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, Ethan tries so hard to be charming only to be shunned thinking he’s like the other haters. But not everyone is so polite. Her family has a reputation for being witches. Now I’m no witch expert nor did I grow up in 1692 Salem, but I can imagine this is not a stigma that is well-received by the general public–especially not in the God-fearing oft-ill-educated “bless your heart” South. But Lena doesn’t let the local Mean Girls get her down. And of course, to best capture that Cruel Intentions dichotomy, one of them is pining for Ethan–Emily (Zoey Deutch; Vampire Academy).
Of course Lena’s uncle and guardian Macon Ravenwood (Jeremy Irons) is furious over her eventual connection to Ethan, which of course, just drives her into his arms. Ugh! “Loving this boy puts you in terrible danger!” Way to basically guarantee they get married, Macon! She’ll be smoking Kools and pregnant with a tattoo of his name over her breast by senior year.
Okay, let’s play a game. What do all these have in common? Everyone calls Lena a witch, Lena has a Carrie moment and scares the whole class, EVERYBODY hates Lena, Macon compels Ethan to divine his own depressing small-town future, Lena is cursed to be overtaken by evil right after their high school Winter Dance, Ethan gets assaulted by Macon’s shrubbery, Lena admits practicing sorcery…
I’ll take “one red flag after another that this idiot Ethan ignores” for $100, Alex.
Now, I’ll make a few exceptions when faced with perhaps one red flag…
She has three cats? Fine. She’s probably fun in bed. Just don’t let her know where you live.
She’s a little crazy? Whatever, she’ll be a little clingy but she’ll never cheat you.
She performs magic? Like…bro, right in front of you? GET OUT NOW!!!
Amma (Viola Davis; Ender’s Game, Prisoners) is a seer who secretly watches over Ethan’s family and knows Macon all too well. She performs a topless divination in this PG-13 movie. Let me just pause for a sec right here. What a waste of naked witchcraft! True Blood, The Kiss (1988), those Witchcraft movies… all embrace naked magic. I’m pretty sure it makes the magic work better or something. But, and I’ll have to check on this, if I don’t actually get to see the boobs then it doesn’t count! Both Macon and Amma fear Sarafine (Emma Thompson; Brave, Men in Black 3), who’s been shadowing Lena for years as she approaches her sweet 16 birthday, which also happens to be when her soul is claimed for good or evil!
ABOVE: Claimed by “the dark” in 1996’s The Craft.
BELOW: Claimed by “the dark” in 1990’s The Witches.
Naturally, to make this process sound important and dramatic to all of you viewers still shopping in the Young Adult aisle, they gave this a special name. The Hunger Games (2012) had The Reaping ripping off the famous short story The Lottery, Harry Potter (2001) had that grumpy The Sorting Hat, and here we have The Claiming. The Claiming identifies witches as representative of the light or the dark, based on their destiny. Her way hot cousin Ridley and her megabitch mother want her for the dark side. How Mistress Vader and Darth Bitcheus of them. What gets me about all this is that never in the movie do they explain WHY it’s important that she not go to the dark side. Macon was chosen for the dark and just “decided” to live for the light. Doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. He doesn’t come off as evil. So why is Lena so afraid that she’ll like chop off Ethan’s head or something if she’s claimed by the dark? And why does her mother care? Is there some plan like the Sith overtaking the Jedi? Sarafine is clearly malevolent, but we don’t know how she’d benefit from Lena’s “darkness.” And to all you readers out there, you better count your teeth before you mouth off to me about how “the book tells it way better.” I’m sick of this book-to-movie comparison nonsense. They’re not comparable media! Stop thinking you’re clever by listing differences between two tellings of the same story!
So what does “the dark” make you do. That saucy redheaded Ridley (Emmy Rossum; Dragonball: Evolution, Poseidon) is out driving her sports car and kills a cop to avoid a speeding ticket. Evil, right!?! Guess what, jerks and sociopaths exist already without being “claimed” by some special force to justify their actions. I mean, they may have schizophrenia and be dangerous, but that “claiming” was in their DNA. This is why Ethan better get out of this relationship while he still can. But nope. Instead, Ethan equates this moment with Lena as the critical defining moment that they should run away together.
You don’t have to be claimed by “the dark” to be evil.
You might just be a soulless, life-hating ginger.
What about Sarafine? How evil is she? So evil that she bakes brownies for Ethan and when he doesn’t accept them she…WAIT FOR IT…leaves. That’s it. She just leaves. No raining Hellfire or witch curses. She just storms off over how rude he is for not accepting her Southern hospitality. Okay, she does try to get someone killed later. But her evil is pretty minor as far as evil witches go. Contrary to the accusations during the Salem Witch Trials The Witches of Eastwick (1987) actually literally slept with the Devil, the Wicked Witch enslaved a city of midgets and threatened to steal a little girl’s dog, the voodoo witch from The Kiss (1988) was straight up killing all over the place! Sarafine just tried (and failed) to kill one person and give away some brownies. In fact, the most evil thing Sarafine does is when she’s pretending to be “good” and she refers to Liberals, homosexuals, Democrats and Green Peace as unnatural abominations.
Yeah. “They” are the unnatural abominations.
Is that all that’s dumb about this movie? NOT AT ALL! There’s some curse that no caster may love a mortal. And yes, I just said “caster.” That’s the edgy, chic word the writers came up with to try to fool us into thinking that witches are cool. There’s also this magical amulet that let Lena and Ethan see their ancestors, but only when they hold hands. LAME! I should make Ethan give up his bro card just for participating in that nonsense.
“Wait! They have to hold hands for it to work? FML!!! Can we get some biceps or explosions to try to salvage this movie?”
This movie tries to be so ovulatingly “sweet.” Ethan professes how much he cares for Lena over and over again. I feel obligated to reminder viewers that he’s 16 and she’s 15. While everyone probably feels this way about someone at that age, who still felt like that a few years later about that same person? Reality check. Not many. I’ll bet that if Sleepless in Seattle (1993) was just an hour longer Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan would break up over something minor…basically what happens whenever there’s too much hype before actually beginning the relationship. Whereas Edward showed Bella the world in a way she never imagined, Lena made it snow in South Carolina for Ethan. BARF!
This is cuter than a puppy made out of kittens…NAUSEATING!!! Really, just give me one explosion and a Schwarzenegger one-liner and I’ll call it even!
Despite all of this estrogen-driven nonsense, I did enjoy when a dinner scene turns into a Witchnado with all of the classlessness of an Addams Family farce. But, as a jaded bro, I must say that the ending of this teen love story was appropriately realistic while still being satisfying to a love-hungry young audience of X chromosomes. It should come as no surprise at all that this hot menstrual mess was directed by Richard LaGravenese, who directed other such sappy, explosionless features as P. S. I Love You and Freedom Writers. 
Before.
After.
The movie actually wasn’t entirely awful. Ethan’s buddy Link (Thomas Mann; Project X, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters) brings some invited comic relief. And, even as a bro, I approve of a few scenes:
1) When mega-hot Ridley introduces herself to Ethan and interrupts his push-up session with a big wet long kiss. That redhead gets around! I know no woman can resist me when I’m sweaty and my pecs are all swoll!
BRO…MY…GOD!
2) When Ridley compels Link to make out with her. Good man, Link. I would have just manned up and done that without the magic, but whatever. It still counts. High five, bruh!
I’ve never wanted to be a lollipop so badly in my life.
3) On their first movie date Ethan takes Lena to see Final Destination 6. That’s right! No sparkly vampires for Ethan! Way to take charge and bro up.
4) Ethan turned down Sarafine’s offering of fresh brownies. Now, ladies, I realize that this doesn’t sound like much to you. But bros need carbs! Muscles don’t just grow from protein and prayers. So believe me, turning down any form of free food–especially baked goods–is huge for Ethan to prove he’s worthy and “get it in” Jersey Shore style!
In summary, I cannot give this incredibly unrealistic movie my Bro-Stamp of Approval. All bros should avoid this movie at all cost unless it’s date night and “she” picked the movie. In which case I’d advise you to just agree that it’s so sweet how Ethan helped Lena change her destiny or some nonsense line like that will ensure that you get laid tonight.
Ugh. Ever since Notebook I’ve been stuck seeing scenes of wet women! This is how I felt by the end of this movie…just hopeless.
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MY CALL: An unoriginal British film hinting at a VERY interesting idea that I’d like to see realized in a feature length film. MORE LIKE THIS: This film contains elements and potential that smack of The Shrine (2010) or a more adult-targeting take on Rosemary’s Baby (1968). TRAILER: Click Here.
This review was solicited by writer/director Scott Lyus (Twitter @scottlyus).
I must admit, I struggled to find the tone in the opening campus scenes as we are introduced to the main character, an articulate college student named Mary. The filming style utilized a careful contrast of in- and out-of-focus elements and I just couldn’t put my finger on why–I could only identify that I thought the filmmakers were “trying to make me notice or sense something.”
The majority of the film takes place in the woods, the transition into which is awash with lovely serenity-instilling shots. When Mary is abducted by a satanic cult (the Order of the Ram) the counterfocal filming strategy lends itself to Mary’s bewilderment and fear. [Perhaps this was simply the product of a camera flaw that just happened to work(?).] Her life is explained to her as the product of a secret society’s plan to hail “His return” with her prophesied sacrifice.
As with most short films, I view this as something of a “taste” of what a director or writer might be able to do with a feature length budget, a hired writer and better trained actors (our present stars have no other professional credits) at their disposal. The dialogue is rather over-explanatory, perhaps a necessary evil to convey a lot of exposition in a short period of time.
Mother, leader of the Order of the Ram, provides all of the story’s exposition. Functionally, she is the sole storyteller. Mother gets most of the lines and is, unfortunately, not at all convincing. But there’s more beneath the surface this film–a great potential.
The occult wardrobe feels too clean as if just removed from its plastic packaging. In fact, it feels “fake.” But we can’t let this budgetary constraint obscure Lyus’ vision. So while the sacrificial dagger, the dark Bible and the cultists’ masks and garbs appear to be purchased from a costume store or Hot Topic, this shouldn’t be perceived as a flaw.
In staring past the limited resources and rigid-at-best acting behind this film’s production I recognized a story concept, proper staging, and attempts at shots that would make me comfortable finding the present filmmakers with more of a budget to flex their latent talents. The story isn’t at all original, but original isn’t always what pleases. Sometimes it’s telling the same old story in a different way that stokes our fiery interests. The Shrine (2010; another cult/sacrifice-driven film) did exactly that and was well-received. Should a larger budget find this project, I’d suggest casting none of the original actors and taking on a writer to expand Lyus’ concept and replace exposition with more subtlety. This would also broaden the ideas available to Lyus’ directorial vision in painting a complicated plot.
What I’d like to see explored most is a concept that occupied only minutes of this film: the idea that throughout Mary’s entire life all of her friends and peers knew she’d ultimately be sacrificed. Just wondering how one would approach presenting this effectively and credibly in a feature length film makes me want to throw money at this project.
It’s easy to criticize short films and their filmmakers are brave to put them out there before us with such limited backing. Let’s not peevishly nibble at the low-hanging critical fruit. Let’s instead think of what “could be” as we watch them. I want to see more of the ideas that “could be” in this film.
Anyone interested in viewing this short film should make their request to writer/director Scott Lyus (Twitter @scottlyus). The video is presently not available to the public.
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All the Boys Love Mandy Lane
All the Boys Love Mandy Lane tells the story of six teenagers, a secluded ranch and eventual murder. It blends the art house vibe with raucous teenagers and adds another solid entry to the horror cannon. The Austin, Texas locale is used to full effect as the scenery becomes part of the story. Mandy Lane feels like Friday Night Lights meets a 70s Slasher pic.
The movie screened at the Toronto Film Festival in 2006 then disappeared till its reappearance in 2013. Director Jonathan Levine had this to say about the cult following and expectations that has built around the film:
They’re either going to think it’s a bad movie, or it’s going to take on this urban legend status of this amazing cult thing that has never seen the light of day. The burden of expectations, good and bad, are placed upon it,and that’s slightly strange.
Forget the hype, mystery and expectations. All the Boys Love Mandy Lane is a neat entry into the horror canon. It plays with expectations, gives us something different and most importantly stays mysterious. Much like the title character the film forgoes lengthy explanations and leaves things to the imagination. There are clues in the subtext and throwaway comments that tell us everything we need to know.
All the Boys Love Mandy Lane excels with its teenage characters. On the surface I can see how they would be consider stock horror fodder. However, they are the right amount of vapid, dumb, drunk, horny, confused, unsupervised, drunk, entitled and believably teenaged. It is easy to understand why these “popular” kids are attracted to Mandy. Also, the older ranch hand defies expectations as he acts his age and is the only one who treats Mandy like an actual person.
Director Jonathan Levine has excelled at making drug dealing (The Wackness), cancer (50/50) and zombie love (Warm Bodies) relatable. His characters are three dimensional wonders of likability. For instance, Anna Kendrick is naive yet smart in 50/50. Also, Rob Corddry is the world’s greatest zombie friend in Warm Bodies. Levine finds ways to get the best out his cast and that is evident in Mandy Lane.
Levine uses Amber Heard in ways most directors have failed. She is eye candy that fits the plot and not just eye candy. In the film she is beautiful and pure enough to enchant an entire high school. However, nobody knows anything about her because they only care about her body and aura. The teenage male gaze is in full effect as this attractive loner spends the weekend with them. She has been built up in the minds of these kids and they are used to getting what they want.
Mandy Lane was never meant for the mainstream or blood thirsty gore hounds. It is a genre piece that defies expectations yet is sorta predictable. It is a throwback to the grungy seventies when movies felt dirty and had a message (sometimes). Don’t worry about the expectations. Appreciate a horror film that tries something different and was a springboard for a talented director.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Dumb at the Devil’s Pass
SPOILER WARNING!
The horror genre is at its best when the scenarios are unavoidable and the victims are not dumb. The people should be fighting for their lives and be in way over their heads. For instance, classics like The Exorcist, Alien, Halloween and Jaws stem from primal evil or unavoidable conflict. Take a look at Rotten Tomatoes top 100 and you will notice a pattern. Good people risking their lives to help others is a great blueprint for horror. The Conjuring adopted the blueprint earlier this year and it was a critical and financial hit.
The killer of horror is “dumb selfishness.” When the situations could have been avoided it diminishes the effect. You don’t care for the characters because they put themselves in the situation. Some movies get away with bad choices. The Descent is my favorite horror film and it all stems from one person making a terrible choice. However, the other spelunkers did not know about it and it was all about restoring a relationship. They did not not continue to make poor choices like our heroes in Devil’s Pass.
Devil’s Pass goes awry as it gives our heroes every chance to get away yet they stay and die. They enter mysterious doors, ignore omens (tongues in boxes) and insist on having sex which of course leaves them freezing when the baddies attack. It all culminates in lots of bad CGI and a once promising narrative travels to a bonkers land of Blair Witch, [REC], and Chernobyl Diaries tropes.
I know that “dumb selfishness” is a staple of horror and I should learn to embrace it. Before, you think this is an affront on horror know that I feel this way about any type of genre. Nothing wrecks a movie for me like unlikable characters who put themselves in bad situations because of hubris (Burt Wonderstone is a prime comedy example). Devil’s Pass director Renny Harlin (Deep Blue Sea) should have taken notes from the exploration gone awry found footage film Europa Report. Demise is guaranteed but it comes in the form of vast knowledge and unselfishness. The death in DP is due to one women and her quest to get everyone killed.
There are certain found footage films that have risen above the dumb. Blair Witch, Trollhunter, [Rec], Behind the Mask, Cloverfield, Chronicle, Paranormal Activity and Europa Report are all wonderful examples of good. The common denominator is that these people are not pursuing dangerous situations due to selfishness. They are out of their league and their dialogue is good. Devil’s Pass could have all been avoided and that is why it doesn’t work.
The story centers around a crew of young adventurists working on a project about the Dyatlov Pass. Nine people died at the pass in 1959 and much speculation has been made in regards to the mysterious incidents. Was it an avalanche, aliens, yeti, or the cold? From the beginning they are told to stay away yet they keep on trudging towards the inevitable. People lie, make rash decisions and camp close to avalanche territory. The film gets a little creepy but then dives headlong into CGI land and becomes another creature feature involving time travel.
I watched Devil’s Pass because I am a big fan of Renny Harlin. He is a maestro of mayhem and I love Deep Blue Sea, Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger and Driven. However, he should stay away from horror. His films Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, Exorcist The Beginning and Mindhunters have in no way matched his overblown action epics. I would have loved to see him film what happened to the original hikers in 1959 (starring Stallone, Slater, Rooker).
Devil’s Pass represents everything wrong with horror. None of it had to happen.Watch Trollhunter or Europa Report instead.
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Ninja II: Shadow of a Tear (2013), redeeming the flawed original with delicious ninja-flavored revenge!
MY CALL: Ninja (2009) was VERY entertaining but VERY flawed. This sequel strongly sets right and continues the franchise with crisper and more brutal fights, a better story and none of the nonsense–clearly opening the door to a most welcome third installment. MORE MOVIES LIKE Ninja II: To scratch your ninja itch try Ninja Assassin (2009), Ninja (2009) and The Hunted (1995). And if your want more Adkins action try El Gringo (2012), Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning (2012), The Expendables 2 (2012) and Undisputed II (2006) and III (2010).
Director Isaac Florentine (Undisputed II & III, Ninja) understandably likes working with (Scott Adkins; El Gringo, Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning, The Expendables 2, Assassination Games). I get it. Adkins is amazing and if I were directing martial arts movies he’d be my top pick, too…EVERY TIME!
But Adkins’ performances are easily limited by Florentine’s vision that day. Undisputed II (2006) featured some of the best fight choreography you can find and it was filmed with appropriate angles and for long enough time between cuts for viewers to really appreciate the techniques being executed and their difficulty. It also had a simple, enjoyable (even if recycled) story. Whereas Undisputed III (2010) suffered a drop in that quality in terms of both story and spin kicks for reasons I can’t explain, and Ninja (2009)–however cool the movie was without the fights–failed to impress me with the martial arts…and I’m pretty sure that was the one thing (if only one thing) that should have wowed me.
In this sequel Casey Bowman leaves runs to the store when his fiancée has midnight cravings for chocolate and seaweed–we can assume she has the Japanese preggers munchies. This all sounds very sweet, but you can’t have a good ninja movie without a solid motive for revenge, can you? So when he returns home to find her dead, no one is surprised.
The opening combat sequence struck me as technically sound with crisp, impressive combinations. However, Adkins’ fight scenes seem largely limited by the skill of his stunt man opponents who (in a few scenes) can’t nearly keep up, appearing to fight rigidly (i.e., being less comfortable with the choreography) compared to Adkins’ deftly smooth counterstrikes so trained fighters and fight stunt snobs will pick at the weaker fight’s flaws like piranhas on a floating carcass. This minor flaw was most apparent in a scene reminiscent of Jet Li’s opening scene in Fist of Legend (1994), when Scott takes on a dojo of opponents. But fear not. This flaw was a one-fight fluke and the other fights remain enjoyably awesome. Adkins fans will rejoice when seeing him deliver some of his trademark 540 check kicks, beautiful transitions when performing jump spin kick and sweep combinations, and stunning corkscrew flairs that would make Ray Parks’ own Darth Maul green with envy. You’ll even notice moves and stunts that will smack of Jackie Chan, but with none of Chan’s humor and all Adkins’ elegant brutality. And watch out for the “hotel room” fight scene. I haven’t seen such a brilliantly unique gun-disarm/counterstrike since Equilibrium (2002) and The Raid: Redemption (2011).
The fights all find fury and brutality. Spin kicks often serve as little more than “filler” in martial arts movies. But when Scott Adkins throws spin kicks his body weight whips like a Devil-possessed trebuchet to our rejoice.
Casey is unfocused and angry in this sequel, clearly preoccupied with revenge. When he travels to Thailand to escape his grief, he is followed by the vengeance of an old enemy of his dojo; the same enemy that killed his fiancée. Casey travels to Myanmar to find Goro (Shun Sugata; Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2, Ichi the Killer, Bunraku, The Last Samurai), a Burmese drug lord and the man who wronged him.
Tim Man (Kill’em All, Raging Phoenix) plays Goro’s right hand man and give us a fantastic, long, vicious fight scene with Adkins. The much shorter (yet sufficient) fight between Adkins’ Casey and the aging but deadly Goro was also satisfying with a dash of unique flavor.
Adkins gets some serious air time and spin time.
The movie most clearly ends with a bitter end– opening the door to a third installment in which Casey Bowman may finally find peace–and some fantastic swordplay. You don’t want to miss this!
Below is an unimpressive movie poster for Ninja II. Don’t be fooled by the 90s-esque B-action movie style poster. This movie is AWESOME!
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The Wolf of Wall Street: Excess Perfected
The Wolf of Wall Street is grandiose absurdity told by a director at the top of his game. Wolf does not celebrate the villains but shows how ambitious and ridiculous the circumstances were. It is the story of indefensible people thriving on excess and greed. The movie is a circus and Martin and Leo are the ringleaders. Where else will you see a movie involving mind reading, shipwrecks and a five-minute Quaalude induced crawling scene?
Wolf centers around Leonardo DiCaprio’s character Jordan Belfort rising to wealth via the brokerage house Stratton Oakmont. Belfort is a real life criminal/drug addict who trained an army of acolytes to swindle millions from the rich and give to themselves. These idiots armed with phones and scripts made millions and spent most of it on drugs, prostitutes, summer homes and more drugs. One particular scene features a women shaving her head for $10,000 whilst insanity in the form of drugs and sex takes place around her. In the end, she seems shocked but high from the experience.
Scorsese creates moments that are so far out there it is hard to take the debauchery seriously. The comedic aspects of the film allow immense drug highs, incest and an incredible amount of F-bombs to be humorous. For instance, arguments about adultery lead into unexpected laughs that allow DiCaprio to flex his gonzo comedic chops and disappear into the role.
The Wolf of Wall Street is intoxicating. There are highs and lows that lead to a draining yet amazing roller coaster experience. Scorsese and Leo have fit a comfortable groove and this is the best work they’ve done together. Also, Jonah Hill, Margot Robbie, Jon Bernthal, Kyle Chandler, Rob Reiner, Matthew McConaughey and Jean Dujardin are all fantastic.
Wolf is a fantastic examination of financial growth and greed. It highlights how enterprising idiots preyed on ambition and picked off the slowest of the pack. The movie does become intoxicating in its deprivation but that shouldn’t be taken as cool.
Watch. Enjoy. Be excited for the four-hour cut!
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47 Ronin: The Oddest Film of 2013
47 Ronin is the story of disgraced samurai who must battle a smarmy warlord and his devilish dragon lady. Taken from Japanese history The movie has bumps and bruises yet has a personality unlike all the majority of the reboots/remakes/sequels/prequels being churned out nowadays.
The personality stems from the oddness of it all. Remembering the huge box office of The Last Samurai Universal wanted a Gladiator/Lord of the Rings hybrid that would play well internationally. So, they hired an unknown director, a fantastic cast and embarked on a sure-fire international hit.
However, after massive delays, reshoots (Keanu love scene), rewrites (R to PG-13) and rumors (director locked out of editing room) 47 Ronin was doomed to become a massive flop. A cool idea about samurai had been homogenized into bright emptiness via many bad/ambitious ideas.
The film plays like a checklist of obligatory moments. The Samurai do not like Keanu. The Samurai become Ronin. The Samurai learn to love Keanu. There are many cool ideas (honor, courage, 10 feet ogres) but they are very rarely allowed to come to fruition. I was talking to co-writer John about the movie and he said the big moments underwhelmed. Dragons, ten foot ogres and Uber Samurai are dispatched quickly after much build up. Also, The fantastic international actors are stuck with simple dialogue to speak phonetically while Keanu stays quiet in the background.
There is a 10 minute scene where Keanu goes back to the rogues who raised him to get swords for the 47 Ronin. What follows is a very expensive CGI fight that awards the 47 fancy white swords. Do the swords play a part later in the film? Nope. Do they do anything special? Nope. Couldn’t they have stolen swords from rival warlords and save the time of almost dying via evil bird hybrids called Tengu? Yep.
47 Ronin is characterized by random scenes that never make for a cohesive whole. For instance, the marketing has put a heavy focus on a tattooed Dutchman who has a unique look. However, he has less than one minute of screen time. My guess is that he had a decent role but the entire film was scaled down. The marketing was grasping at straws.
47 Ronin is a good idea gone awry. Somewhere along the way there was a good movie. I’m hoping a directors cut is released that finally allows it to feel like a cohesive whole. Check out The Man of Tai Chi instead. Keep supporting the Keanu!
.
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Hello all. Mark here.
I’ve already unleashed my best of 2013 but here is my overly long wrap up of 2013. The awards are aplenty and they cover copious amounts of film genres. Some are good. Some are bad. Some are so bad they are good.
Spoilers abound!
Enjoy!
The Poster That Can Best Be Summed Up As “AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!” Award.
Where was this intensity in the Wolverine movie?
Best Death Via Flare Gun Award.
The Last Stand. You will find an audience eventually.
Most Gratuitous Usage of Pleather in a Medieval Land Full of Witches Award.
Don’t worry Gemma Arterton. You are a great actress. Hollywood will figure out what to do with you eventually. I kinda like Hansel & Gretel though.
How Are We Going to Explain This to the Police Award?
Mama. A kid and a angry ghost turn into leaves. Zero evidence. Missing children. Court battle ahead.
Do They Airbrush Tailored Suits Nowadays Award?
Parker. Ouch.
The Worst Movie of 2013, 2014 and Possibly 2015 Award.
Die Hard 5. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.
Most Arrogant Dragon Who Loves Gold More Than Scrooge McDuck Award.
Smaug the smug you are wonderful.
Moment That Made 7 out of 10 Emma Watson Fans Head Explode Award.
Between The Bling Ring, Pain & Gain and Spring Breakers 2013 was full of wonderfully dumb criminals.
Best Hair of 2013!
Ewan McGregor in Jack the Giant Slayer. It stays immaculate whilst battling giants.
Guy With the Most Sh** Award.
Franco as Alien. Dude has a ton of stuff.
Best Use of a Towel Award.
Craig Robinson is the nicest dude in This is the End. He sacrifices himself via running at a demon waving his towel. Totally random. Really funny. Great payoff
Oddest Love Story Award.
The Host and the World’s First Quadrangle Love Story Involving Jellyfish Aliens and Voice Overs.
My White House Under Attack Film Made More Money Than Your White House Under Attack Film Award.
Good job Gerard Butler. Your insane R-rated bloody action film Olympus Has Fallen beat out Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx.
Best Shark Punching Award.
Kon-Tiki. Shark eats bird. Shark gets murdered.
Best Fight Award.
Sung Kang and Tyrese battling evil henchman #7 in Fast Six. Han and Roman are the most likable of the bunch and to see them brawling with a spin kicking dynamo provided us with laughs, excitement and more laughs.
Honorable mention: The bonkers train fight in Wolverine featuring two tough yet unlucky Yakuza battling Wolvy.
Best Movie That Would be Hard to Recommend Because it is So Incredibly Dark and Bleak.
Sightseers you are wonderful. Not sure I can recommend you to non-cinephiles. Also, you gotta watch Kill list, Down Terrace and Field in England.
Dude You Knew Was Gonna Be a Star and is Now a Star Award.
Michael B. Jordan for Fruitvale Station. After The Wire, FNL and Chronicle he is finally getting his due.
Ridiculously Good Looking Ghostbusters Award.
Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson blue steel their way to horror fame in the wonderful Conjuring.
Best Character, Mentor, Performance of the Year Award.
Sam Rockwell is my hero. The Way, Way Back is the best film of 2013.
Best Line of the Year.
Wanna Fight? Only God Forgives is an under appreciated violent bomb of glory.
Savior of Subpar Award.
Sharni Vinson saves the day in You’re Next
There is a moment where Jon Voight is using a silly accent while Selena Gomez is talking to Ethan Hawke about financial nonsense and I loved how a movie like this could be made Award.
Thank you Getaway. You are truly weird.
Best Insult of the Year Involving Tchotchkes
I never thought I’d hear Kevin Hart call Sylvester Stallone a “knick knack making son of a bitch.” I enjoyed Grudge Match
The Biggest Jerk of the Year.
The demon lady in Insidious 2. Massive jerk.
Best Eyebrows in a YA Book Film Adaptation Award.
Lily Collins in Mortal Instruments. Bad movie. Great eyebrow upkeep.
Best Facial Hair and Flannels Award.
John Travolta and DeNiro in The Killing Season. Travolta never shaves and basically wills his chinstrip facial hair to stay immaculate.
The Best Marketing of Gratuitous Stripping in a Trailer That Didn’t Annoy fanboys (sorry Alice Eve) or Feel Overly Gratuitous (Die Hard 5 undressing in a parking garage).
Jennifer Aniston and her warehouse stripping were a major factor in the marketing for We’re the Millers. Same thing happened with her in Horrible Bosses. Both movies were sleeper hits. Maybe Star Trek and Die Hard 5 should have taken the Aniston effect into account.
The Best Villain of the Year
Ben Kingsley’s Mandarin in Iron Man 3 is a wonderful blend of unpredictable habits and Shakespearean comedy.
In One Conversation I Got You to Go Back to College and Introduce Me to Your Family and Friends Award.
Scarlett nails her role in Don Jon. Great job JGL.
This is a Fake Movie But it Needs to Happen Award.
Bruce and Kelly were born to play these roles.
Your Shtick Never Gets Old Award.
Arnold is really really good in the subpar Escape Plan.
Most Gratuitous Usage of Rachel McAdams Smiling Award.
The About Time movie poster. Smiles in the rain aplenty.
Well, all right Award!
McC in Dallas Buyers Club, Wolf of Wall Street and Mud.
I Need the Dark Material, Gotta Have the Dark Material. I Got the Dark Material! I lost Award.
The evil elf in Thor 2. His plan didn’t work. Thor 2 kind hurt too.
James Franco plays a guy named Gator Battling Jason Statham Award.
Homefront. I love that it exists.
Best Usage of a Scorpion Terrarium.
Anchorman 2. Thank you for the slow motion crash involving bowling balls, boiling oil and scorpions.
The Best Looking Moment of the Year
Joseph Kosinski sure can make things look great. Oblivion was an unfairly dogpiled film that featured a pumping M83 score and some amazing visuals. I loved the wide shot during the pool scene.
Best Shirt Acting whilst Walking and Talking.
Ethan Hawke your shirt acting knows no bounds in Before Midnight.
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The Best Films of the Year – A Unique Look at the Gems of 2013
Hello all. Mark here
The world has been inundated with top ten lists proclaiming the usual suspects of greatness. I agree with the lists and 12 Years a Slave, Gravity, Rush, Her, Blue Jasmine, Prisoners, Stoker, Captain Phillips, The Hunt, American Hustle, Before Midnight, All is Lost, Dallas Buyers Club, Short Term 12, Frances Ha, Fruitvale Station, Nebraska, Inside Llewyn Davis, Blue is the Warmest Color and The Place Beyond the Pines are all wonderful films. However, I wanted to offer something new and different for your reading pleasure. Some of these films need a bigger audience while others are criminally underrated. The 12 films cover a broad spectrum and all offer something fresh, fun or beautiful.
Read. Comment. Enjoy!
1. The Way, Way Back – The Way, Way Back is a wonderful film full of realistic three dimensional characters who become more layered as you rewatch the film. The love interests aren’t manic pixie women (Annasophia Robb is wonderful), no parent is perfect (Allison Janney is perfect) and the people who live like they are in a Hemingway novel have tons of problems (Rob Corddry is my hero). There are things in life worth growing up for and the characters realize that. Also, Sam Rockwell is my hero.
2. Mud – Director Jeff Nichols (Shotgun Stories, Take Shelter) has excelled at creating soulful characters and insular stories. His characters are not motivated by greed or selfishness and thus their problems feel universal. The central characters deal with protecting their families, mental illness or growing up too fast. His films pack a realistic punch, show off vivid geographical detail and close attention to characters. Stereotypes are non-existent and the focus on family is always strong. It also proves that a poster featuring a man grabbing something from his back doesn’t have to be bad.
3. The Spectacular Now – The Spectacular Now provides wonderful insights into relationships, growing up, divorce and fatherhood. You appreciate the story, like the characters and most importantly want to spend more time with them. The late great Roger Ebert had this to say about the movie:
Here is a lovely film about two high school seniors who look, speak and feel like real 18-year-old middle-American human beings. Do you have any idea how rare that is?
4. Fast & Furious 6 – The FF series has survived and thrived due to a confident director, likable cast and total commitment to wonderful insanity. It has established its identity and embraced a unique charm. Where else will you see cars drive out of moving airplanes, 10 mile runways, a guy bigger than The Rock, Gina Carano losing to Michelle Rodriguez, a tank being destroyed by a sport car anchor and an F1 type vehicle modified to become a car flipping monster?
FF6 was the best blockbuster of the year and has evolved into dumb perfected.
5. Grabbers – Grabbers is fun, charming and rewatchable. It is a little Irish film that focuses on villagers who have to stay drunk to stay alive. The best thing about Grabbers is that it is immensely likable and doesn’t become a one-note shlock fest. It follows in the foot steps of Gremlins, Attack the Block and Tremors with its infusion of horror, comedy and oddness. You will cheer for the eventual drunk heroes as they battle ill-tempered aliens.
6. The Wolf of Wall Street – The Wolf of Wall Street is grandiose absurdity told by a director at the top of his game. It also features my favorite scene of the year. You will know it when you see it.
7. World War Z – World War Z had everything going against it. The film suffered through reshoots, rewrites, delays, insanely fast zombies and an odd choice for director. However, it was the most pleasant surprise of the summer. What could have easily have been soul crushing is now tense, smart and lots of fun. The movie has a nice progression, feels confident in it’s execution and is refreshing in how human it is. I appreciate the underdog.
8. The Worlds End – The World’s End is an alive, sensory blasting blend of humor, surprises and rapid fire dialogue. The best part is that the quick cutting, friendship embracing genre mashups don’t seem old after Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. TWE is a refreshing blast of creativity that feels familiar but never rehashed. It features an intense visual style that director Edgar Wright has perfected and then improved upon. Wright’s films are infused with genuine cinema love and that is why they’ve become cult classics that are critically adored (88% on RT including Scott Pilgrim). The World’s End is the perfect way to end a trilogy and blast off into other territory.
9. Monsters U/Frozen – Frozen and Monsters U take the familiar (nerds vs. jocks, princesses and curses) and make them fresh. I loved the ending of both films and they made for incredibly fun times. Gotta love Sven too.
10. Insidious 2 – Insidious 2 is a nonstop dreadernaut (new word) of horror mastery. It is frantic, wonderful and will certainly annoy many (37% RT) who don’t appreciate James Wan’s frantic journey into the Further. The film blends story and character in a way that makes you care for the nice family as an absolute jerk harasses them. The movie bounces around from abandoned hospitals, boarded up houses and hidden rooms in a nonlinear fashion that feels like a paranormal roller coaster on speed. It asks a lot of the audience yet is meant as pure fun. If you sit in the theater in pursuit of pretentiousness you could pick holes all day. Don’t do that. If you allow yourself to be transported into the Further you will have an amazing time. It also features the best cardigans of the year!
11. Europa Report – Europa Report is an engrossing science fiction film that focuses on sacrifice for the sake of knowledge. It doesn’t rely on jump scares, evil moon rocks or green men because the tension comes from the unknown. It is refreshingly earnest in its effort to tell a quality science fiction tale. It adroitly blends fact with fiction and builds towards a memorable finale that is earned and not forced.
I love love love the ending.
12. To the Wonder – To the Wonder is a beautiful film. Terrence Malick is a visionary genius. Expect the unexpected. Also, it was the last film that Roger Ebert reviewed.
Special Mentions
The Last Stand – Pure popcorn bliss. Also, Knoxville blows up a dude with a flare gun.
This is the End – Absurd bliss. Features some of the funniest moments you will see all year.
Philomena – Judi Dench nails her role as Philomena.
Warm Bodies – Somehow the age old plot of girl meets zombie was incredibly cute.
John Dies at the End – Full of charm, wit and bonkers direction.
Now You See Me – The unpretentious film of the year.
Iron Man 3 – The Mandarin is the best villain of the year.
Trance – Danny Boyle is my hero.
Upstream Color – Shane Caruth is a fantastic voice in cinema.
Sightseers – Ben Wheatley sure can tell beautifully dark comedic stories.
Only God Forgives – Wanna fight?
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The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Smug dragons, barrel battles and one arrow killing two orcs. The Desolation of Smaug is proof that Peter Jackson has course corrected the series and given it some urgency and emotional heft. The Hobbit got the ball rolling and now Jackson is able to unleash fantastic set pieces and broaden the scope of Middle Earth. I love that this seemingly intimate journey involving 13 dwarves, a grey wizard and a curmudgeonly Hobbit will ultimately lead to battles involving five armies, a lost ring and a very angry dragon.
The story continues as Thorin Oakenshield and his motley crew of Dwarves continue their quest to reclaim their kingdom. The orcs are meaner, the evil greater and action scenes bigger. There is an urgency to their quest as they are being pursued from copious amounts of evil and Thorin’s lust for gold becomes greater. If they stop they die or miss their opportunity to battle a pompous dragon. Things will not get easier for our heroes and the third Hobbit film will emphasize this fact.
The highlight of Smaug is Smaug himself. The scene between Bilbo and the pompous dragon is a highlight of dialogue, CGI and wonderful acting. Smaug slithers, preens and boasts while Bilbo knowingly feeds the dragons ego in an attempt to stay alive. Once again, Jackson proves to be a technical maestro as his dragon is one of the finest CGI creations I’ve ever seen on film. I can’t wait to see what the annoyed dragon does to lake town in the next installment.
There are two very welcome additions to the middle earth proceedings. Luke Evan’s Bard the Bowman and Evangeline Lilly’s Tauriel. Bard adds a welcome human presence while Tauriel adds a butt kicking female to the mix. Lilly and Orlando Bloom wipe out Orc’s in pure Jacksonian ways. Heads are severed, limbs are lost and several unlucky orcs are smooshed by barrels. Lilly’s prowess is reminiscent of Linda Hamilton’s Sarah Connor and Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley in terms of badass believability. Her character may be a plot device (shoehorned love triangle) but she overcomes that and adds a welcome dose of emotion and murder.
My favorite scene in the Lord of the Rings trilogy is Sean Bean’s battle with the Uruk-hai in The Fellowship of the Ring. His murderous rampage was impressive yet doomed. The human element adds suspense to the world because they do not have superhuman powers. They are outgunned and over matched yet have to fight. The most stirring moments of the trilogy featured humans (riders of Rohan, warriors of Helms Deep) surviving huge odds. The action is fun in The Hobbit but there isn’t much consequence or threat. Smaug adds more urgency and Bard the Bowman gives us a human element that was lacking in the prior film.
Regardless of what you think about one book being turned into three movies you should trust Jackson. He has more money than Smaug so these films don’t feel like a cash grab. He has a story to tell and patience is a virtue. If he had stuck to two films that series would be over and we’d all be waiting for the Blu-ray. Now, we can eagerly await the battle of the five armies and Smaug’s rendezvous with Bard. I’m stoked for the third film and glad the sense of urgency is back.
Movies, Films & Flix 