John, here! This week I will be your Bad Movie Tuesday guest writer and together we will endure…
MY CALL: Not sure how the teenage girl target audience felt about this. But I’m a 32 year old certified bro and this bored me to tears. But maybe if you grew up on Hannah Montana, this is for you. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Ugh…other movies filled with puppies and sunshine made for teenage girls.
Okay, so I only watched this because I told MFF-founder Mark that I would NEVER watch Blue Crush 2. Days later I received it from Amazon and I was almost certain there was a shipping error until I saw the note that read “Surfs up! Aloha! From Mark.” He secretly bought it for me from Amazon as a gag gift and now I feel obligated to watch and review it. I mean, look, he even sprung the extra few bucks to get me the blu-ray.
See. This was a legit gift! I did not buy, rent or in any way desire to see this.
So Dana (Sasha Jackson; China Bigfoot: Legend of the Yeren), an 18 year old valley girl who desires adventure to her privileged upper class problemless life, sets off to visit South Africa and leaves the continent without telling her father. Let’s just pause right here. She just leaves! She lives with her dad and uses his credit card yet feels no obligation to tell him that she’s going to AFRICA on his dime! Africa isn’t so safe these days, by the way, especially not for a naïve blonde teenager who may have never left the country or understand different cultures. Didn’t she see Blood Diamond or Safe House? Things can get a little rough over there. Let’s add that it’s not even clear if she’s in high school, college or what. Is she failing classes due to all these absences? Will this little irresponsible adventure cost her a chance at getting into a decent college? And if she’s in college, EVEN WORSE! This would be catastrophic to her transcripts. Let’s face it, this girl is simply reckless. So maybe we should sneer instead of patting her on the back for “being so brave” or “true to herself.” Kids need to learn consequences–meanwhile I wouldn’t trust this girl to parallel park next to my car.
Right after arriving in South Africa, Dana clashes with a rude local on a bus who then follows her all the way to the beach just to steal her stuff out of spite. Welcome to Africa, Dana! Maybe drop the entitled attitude when you’re talking to strange men in Africa. You’re daddy can’t clean up your mess with legal threats or the swipe of a credit card out here. And this all happened because she didn’t want to sit next to him on the bus. What a privileged little…aaargh! I won’t say it. Whatever, she got what she deserved. I think the writers wanted me to sympathize with her after being robbed. But no, this bro says the chick had it coming!
Dana meets Pushy (Elizabeth Mathis; Tron: Legacy) and Tara (Sharni Vinson; You’re Next, Bait). Dana and Pushy are instant besties but Tara is the standoffish tough girl on the beach. She’s a pro and she doesn’t like anyone getting in her way, so she immediately clashes with Dana. As a certified bro I find this so tired. We all know they’re going to be friends in the end of the movie even if that wouldn’t happen in real life. This lace and roses goodie movie crap doesn’t fly with me.
So, take a look, bros. You can sorta’ just tell that this girl probably doesn’t like adding new girls to the group.
Dana seeks to find herself by surfing at all the beaches in some old photos her deceased mother had taken when she had surfed those beaches. This is her way of connecting with her mother who she never really got to know. This strikes me as a very sweet thing to do and could make for a cute movie for kids. So why corrupt it by sneaking away from home and running up your dad’s credit card bill by purchasing a most likely outrageously priced same-day flight to Africa? And hey, she left for Africa the very same day she decided to go. So she clearly didn’t get a VISA!!!!!! I realize this is probably just a minor writing flaw in the story. But in real life she’d need to wait a week or two for this VISA. So, in order to get to Africa, I’m going with “she’s now a criminal” because she must have snuck onto the plane somehow like a little blonde ninja. Enjoy your jail time when you get home, Dana. And say hi to Lindsay Lohan for me. Maybe you can be cell mates. Might we add that, forgiving a possible writing flaw, that the guy on the bus stole your bag that would have had your passport, VISA, credit cards and all forms of identification you may have. So ummmm…have fun at the embassy trying to explain that!
So now after hearing all this, this bro is like “Come on, bro. You can’t be serious with this movie synopsis. It’s gotta’ be totes bogus.” And then I’m all “Sorry, Bro. THAT–JUST–HAPPENED!!!!”
To add some sense of adventure, Dana and Pushy get mixed up with some ivory poacher–I wasn’t impressed and felt no sense of urgency. But wait, the poacher is the same guy from the bus that stole her stuff at the beach. And her love interest is mixed up with the poacher. And she has some other love interest. And they try to follow the poacher to get her stuff back. Is this chick NUTS!?!?!?! This story is not just running off the rails, but Dana is seriously insane! Following a poacher in Africa? This guy will cut off your blonde head and lose no sleep over it! Haven’t you seen The Last King of Scotland or The Mummy Returns? It’s all dictators, death squads and undead armies down there! What’s the next vacation you have planned? Sun-bathing and partying in Afghanistan?
Yeah. Great idea. Right up there with traveling to Africa alone and telling no one where you’re going with any greater specificity than “South Africa.” Well that narrows it down!
Too create yet more “first world problems “conflict, Dana’s dad eventually tries to track her down in South Africa–I couldn’t have cared less, but I’m sure it would embarrass any teenager in front of her new cool surfer friends. But how on Earth did he find her? She’s living in a lean-to shack on the beach with a bunch of surfing beach hippies with no responsibilities or electricity. And get this–he’s not even mad. He’s actually a really tame and understanding guy who’s just happy to see that his daughter is okay. That in mind, I’ll bet she could have just “asked” him if she wanted to set up an African surfing adventure. Maybe they could make a bonding experience out of it and avoid dangerous criminals while they’re at it. This movie is cute and all, but I’d imagine she should face more in the way of consequences. I’m a Jersey Italian and if I pulled this crap when I was a kid (or even today) I’d get smacked in the mouth every day for a decade.
This movie could have been made for no reasons other than filming girls in teeny bikinis to a fun summer surfin’ soundtrack. The tensions never feel too tense, the stakes are never too high, the bikini bottoms always ride up too high, the waves are always bodacious and nothing ever feels too serious. I wasn’t impressed by the surfing stunts either–but maybe that’s just because I’m no surfer and I have no idea what’s actually hard to do. Or, it’s because I’m a bro, I don’t get this teenage girl stuff and I just don’t care.
By the way, at the end Dana turns down some sort of pro-tour surfing gig, which would have salvaged the bad grade situation she’d be suffering. Now someone suggested to me that maybe Dana had just graduated from high school and this was her summer before college or after her freshman year. Actually, not possible! South Africa is only subtropical and, being in the Southern Hemisphere, has reversed seasons. So if it was Dana’s summer, it would be too chilly to surf in South Africa. June to August highs are in the low 60s to low 70s and these girls weren’t wearing wetsuits. So, congrats, Dana! You now have no future. Enjoy working at Hollister for the foreseeable future.
And who offers her the pro gig? Her arch nemesis.
Proooobably not in the 60s or low 70s that day. Otherwise those girls would need a sandwich and am Old Navy pullover to stay warm.
In summary, I cannot give this incredibly unrealistic movie my Bro-Stamp of Approval. All bros should avoid this movie at all cost unless it’s date night and “she” picked the movie. In which case I’d advise you to just agree that it’s so sweet how Dana connected with her mother.
Thanks for joining me and my Bad Movie Tuesday pick this week.
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John’s Horror Corner: Phenomena (1984), Argento’s bizarre, haphazard, slow-paced and clumsy storytelling crescendos into a bonkers and satisfying finale!
MY CALL: Bizarre and haphazard, Argento’s clumsy storytelling advances at a painfully slow pace until the brief, bonkers and satisfying finale. Largely not worth a watch. MOVIES LIKE Phenomena: Look into Dario Argento’s other work. His stylistic approach is consistent throughout his body of work. ALTERNATE TITLE: This film was also released as Creepers.
Director Dario Argento (Mother of Tears, Suspiria) is considered a master of horror. I’ve read reviews suggesting that this is “Argento’s neglected masterpiece” and “one of Argento’s best.” Sorry to be a naysayer, but a masterpiece this is not.
Jennifer (Jennifer Connelly; Labyrinth, Dark Water), not your typical protagonist, is a sleepwalking psychic with an affinity for insects. Argento’s (at best) clumsy storytelling follows his typical trends. Young women are being murdered and a heroine is guided by erratic, choppy, trance-like dream sequences to solve the mystery. When Jennifer befriends an entomology professor with a pet chimp, that seemed to push it all over the edge of absurdity for me.
Yup. This is totally normal. Forensic consulting work with the police…with the additional expert opinion of a chimp.
Our 14-year old heroine teams up with the professor to solve a string of murders taking place at a private school in Switzerland. Making him perhaps one of the worst academics ever, the professor seems to have no difficulty finding instant credibility in Jennifer’s telepathic connection to insects.
Now I called Argento’s storytelling “clumsy” at best, and I realize this may upset some people. But watch this movie and I challenge you to find any plot significance in any of the scenes…any of them. The film wears on, murders accumulate, and we find ourselves no closer to knowing who or what the killer is or the motive behind the killing. Not only does this story fail to lead us anywhere, but there are no attempts at clues, linking events or red herrings to keep us guessing. The only thing I found myself guessing was why the Hell was this movie even made if Argento had nothing to say? Aimless story or not, Argento sees fit to lead his actors into a strong fog of melodrama to make viewers believe that these vapid scenes actually yield some significance.
That said, whereas Argento is no storyteller, he has a strong grasp of instilling urgency as he makes almost every scene intense (even if unnecessarily so), using wildly inappropriate rock music to score up tension in otherwise mundane scenes. It was as if someone calmly walking down a corridor merited a hair metal guitar solo. The dream sequences feel drug-induced and keep our eyes locked on the screen so as not to miss a thing and the actors’ melodrama certainly keeps our attention as we wonder how they may be linked to the murders.
Argento’s strong suit is gore, which is most highlighted by the scenes with the deformed child and when Jennifer falls into a pit of festering human offal reminiscent of the pool scene in Poltergeist (1982) and the grave-digging scene in Drag Me to Hell (2009).
I think this is the cousin of The Goonies’ Sloth.
And despite the story’s outcome which couldn’t possibly have been deduced, the final act was full of bonkers murderous action which left me very entertained. The closing scene answers the questions why did the professor have a pet chimp? and is Jennifer’s insect telepathy actually important in this movie? However, the answers are far from intelligent or reasonable, doing little more than offering weirdly shocking moments in the finale.
I’d recommend that less seasoned horror fans skip this film until they find the insatiable desire to see everything (much as I do).
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John’s Old School Horror Corner: Contamination (1980) aka Alien Contamination, a cheap, poorly executed, un-thought-out Alien rip-off.
MY CALL: As tasteful and organized as a man’s detonated entrails, this movie is a cheap, poorly executed, un-thought-out Alien rip-off. After the first couple scenes it loses any promise of being a fun “bad” horror flick. I’ll give it a “D” only because I enjoyed the beginning. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Just stick to Alien and The Thing (1982) if you want an alien-contamination creep show. IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Probably any “Roger Corman presents” classic. Other gory sci-fi horror of the era include Galaxy of Terror (1981), Forbidden World (1982) and Inseminoid (1982).
This corridor looks nothing like the corridor in Alien.
A strange, unmanned Caribbean ship approaches a New York harbor and is quarantined. Upon investigation, members of the crew are found “ripped apart” to various degrees, one of whom evidently appeared to have exploded like a small bomb was inside his chest. They also find a huge shipment of coffee bean boxes filled with over-sized avocado-like egg things that are bioluminescent, pulsating, somewhat translucent and covered in green ooze.
These eggs should clearly come with a warning label indicating that handling them results in their detonation, spraying you with acid, and somehow causing your chest to explode. These “eggs” turn out to be more than just eggs and—dun, dun, duuuuuuuun—of alien origin.
Our investigators discover a warehouse full of them in the Bronx. They connect the dots to an international conspiracy which includes NASA and the Colombian coffee industry. This may sound exciting, but after the first 20 minutes (which were delightfully gore-tastic) this movie really slows down to a disinteresting pace where scenes devoid of action are needlessly dragged out. Clearly this flick was made to prey on sci-fi fans left hungry for more since the release of Alien, which also had chest-burst-inducing, extraterrestrial, acidic, slimy eggs. What a coinky-dink, right?
The concepts are conveyed poorly and the three portions of the movie (the first 20 minutes, the next hour, and the last 20 minutes) each included a new plot element which linked poorly, if at all, to the others. The makers of this atrocious flick clearly had no idea what they were doing and forced out this movie with all the grace of passing a kidney stone. Don’t watch this unless you stop it after they investigate the ship in the very beginning.
FYI: This movie was Contamination but then retitled Alien Contamination in 1982. You’ll find both on Amazon with the exact same info. The catchphrase on the movie poster “You will feel them in your blood” does not apply to any single aspect of this movie at all! WTF!?!
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John’s Horror Corner: Meridian (1990), a Beauty and the Beast romantic fantasy story crafted by a horrorsmith
MY CALL: This is a Beauty and the Beast romantic fantasy story crafted by a horrorsmith using horror elements. Surprisingly good! MOVIES LIKE Meridian: Another odd but love-oriented and worthy Full Moon release is Dark Angel: The Ascent (1994). This isn’t the only movie to use an art restorer as a vector for evil curses. Mother of Tears (2007) did the same to a much less romantic and waaaaay more gory end. Looking for another werewolf love story, then try out the Underworld franchise (2003-2011).
Director Charles Band (the Puppet Master, Subspecies, Ghoulies and Trancers franchises) in this more seriously approached, surprisingly good Full Moon romantic fantasy-horror release.
Two attractive American women find themselves in Italy after graduating from art school. Gina (Charlie Spradling; Bad Channels, Puppet Master II, The Blob) is working in art restoration and her friend Catherine (Sherilyn Fenn; Boxing Helena, The Wraith) has just inherited a castle. The castle comes with a curse about some wizard who built the castle and cursed people by turning them to stone–and there are loads of statues.
After enjoying a traveling carnival attraction complete with a dwarf (Phil Fondacaro [pictured above]; Troll, Ghoulies II, The Creeps), strong man, snake charmer, fire eater, belly dancer, magician and other carney weirdoes. Looking for some interesting company, Gina and Catherine invite the performers to dinner, after which they are drugged and sensually “taken” by the magician. But the strange thing is–because, no, we haven’t hit the strange part yet–the magician has a twin brother whose werewolf roots become most evident in coitus.
Sex in horror comes basically down to this: if you’re not having sex with the killer, then you’ll be killed for having sex.
The next morning the girls have little recollection of what events transpired and Catherine’s nanny (Hilary Mason; Dolls, Don’t Look Now, Robot Jox) is left to clean up the mess. Later Catherine is plagued by visions of a murdered young woman. The nanny reveals that the “vision” is linked to the castle’s curse, Gina’s recent work on a painting is connected to it, and that Catherine is the next!
The effects and action are the primary weak points of this film. The transformation scenes are mostly reduced to frame shifts between human and werewolf form (i.e., there is not much of an on camera “transformation” at all), the werewolf make-up is unimpressive, the limited action is implied more than really being delivered, and there are no scares. But “horror” wasn’t really the point of this film, implied violence was all that was necessary for the story to be effective, and the lack of scares was intentional and not a product of shoddy direction. This is more of a romantic fantasy story crafted by a horrorsmith using some horror elements.
This film revealed that Charles Band is capable of so much more than his campy, gory horror. The sexuality of the magician and his twin tender a strong dichotomy. The magician is cruel, manipulative and lustful whereas his werewolf twin is gentle, protective and passionate. The werewolf offers a more Beauty and the Beast sense of fantasy.
Not to knock this movie, but it’s interesting timing that this movie was released just as Ron Perlman and Linda Hamilton’s Beauty and the Beast series (1987-1990) was coming to a close.
This was surprisingly good! Really.
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John’s Horror Corner: Doctor Mordrid, Master of the Unknown (1992)
MY CALL: This is a slightly less campy take on Flash Gordon meets Dungeons and Dragons. It’s bad, it’s funny (perhaps unintentionally) and it has Jeffrey Combs. And that’s enough for me to want to see it. MOVIES LIKE Doctor Mordrid Master of the Unknown: Another odd but worthy Full Moon release is Dark Angel: The Ascent (1994).
Directors Albert Band (Ghoulies II, Robot Wars) and Charles Band (the Puppet Master, Subspecies, Ghoulies and Trancers franchises) have concocted a 74 minute wizard’s duel based on Marvel’s Dr. Strange in this Full Moon release.
“The Death’s Head will seek you out,” speaks some greater power from beyond to Doctor Mordrid (Jeffrey Combs; Re-Animator, The Beyond), who is charged with sending this evil force (The Death’s Head) back whence it came. Mordrid has served as a guardian of the fourth dimension and has a mixed bag of magical powers including his ability to speak to the void (a pair of cosmic eyes named Monitor), stop time and wipe people’s memories (as if he had a Men in Black neuralizer), teleportation, and other little prestidigitations like regenerating melted eyeballs.
It seems that the antagonist in charge of summoning The Death’s Head is the muscular, blonde-mulleted Kabal (Brian Thompson; Fright Night Part 2, Nightwish), who wishes to unleash demons on Earth and destroy mankind. Wait…is Kabal the Death’s Head…or the demons he plans on releasing…or something else…or a symbol for Armageddon? Kabal empowers his head-banging metal head flunky worshipper to do…what turns out to be basically nothing. We’ll call that a major writing flaw, which is by no means a rarity in this movie. But writing flaws abound in Full Moon releases, don’t they? And we forgive them, don’t we?
From Highlander to Superman, every hero needs an attractive female co-star. In this case, Mordrid gets some help from his attractive neighbor Samantha Hunt (Yvette Nipar; Phantoms), a law enforcement consultant on cults and Satanism who isn’t taken seriously by her police colleagues. Despite her specialty, her knowledge doesn’t seem to contribute anything to our story–clearly just another obvious writing flaw resulting in her character just being inserted into the movie for the sake of having a love interest or something.
Sorcery finds weak, unimpressive representation in this otherwise silly, entertaining flick. Mordrid visits a floating castle that imprisons some monsters, most of the props are little occult accoutrements or amulets with supernatural powers, and the finale includes a spell-flinging battle complete with lasers knives and crackling magical energy.
Okay, only some of you will get this joke. But this magic reminds me of 1st Edition Dungeons & Dragons’ Shocking Grasp…right!?!
The coolest part for me was the stop-motion animation when Kabal brings life to a natural history museum T-Rex skeleton, which is combated by Mordrid’s animated woolly mammoth skeleton. Kabal almost releases an army of stop-motion demons on Earth. But sadly, we see them for just a moment before Mordrid prevents their invasion. Boo, Mordrid! That would’ve been cool. Perhaps if the budget permitted another 16 minutes of running time we could have enjoyed them a bit.
This movie may seem to have more flaws than favorable components, but please rest assured that these flaws make this movie fun. Watch this on a lazy, rainy Sunday afternoon.
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MY CALL: This film is regarded as some of Fulci’s worst work next to Conquest (1983). I rarely say this, but this film is for no one. Just skip it and walk away! WALK…AWAY! MOVIES LIKE Aenigma: Almost any other Fulci movie would satisfy you more, especially his zombie movies. Given what Fulci was going for here with this film, I’d actually suggest Phenomena (1985), Suspiria (1977), Inferno (1980) or Mother of Tears (2007)–basically anything by Dario Argento.
Meet your victim slash heroine slash serial killer psychic.
Lucio Fulci (Zombie, The Beyond) brings us this obscure classic that serves as proof that all 80s teenagers were either the fornicating drug-using victims of serial killers (e.g., Friday the 13th, I Know What You Did Last Summer), heinous bullies who torture their awkward classmates (e.g., The Toxic Avenger), or the tortured awkward classmates that exact their horrible revenge on their tormentors (e.g., Sleepaway Camp, Carrie). When the spirit of a comatose teenage girl possesses the body of a young woman to enact bloody revenge against the snobby lingerie-clad coeds responsible for her life-threatening condition, we find that the teenagers herein apply to all three categories–which is often the case.
Here’s something I didn’t get. Kathy’s mom gets evil demon eyes. Why? Is Kathy controlling her? Would she really have to? Wouldn’t the mother of a murderously vengeful psychic have decent odds of being a murderously vengeful psychic herself? Why doesn’t she just exact her daughter’s revenge?
Anyway, here’s the decent looking girl that Kathy possesses.
Our victim (Kathy) psychically possesses Eva Gordon (Lara Lamberti; Red Sonja, A Blade in the Dark), a newcomer to the sorority that houses Kathy’s bitchy perpetrators. Fulci makes no effort to explain Kathy’s psychic power to posses Eva or her link to Eva or how she even knew about Eva! She informs her new roommate Jenny (Ulli Reinthaler; Zombi 3) that her goal is to “get with” as many cute boys as possible. It seems that our spiritually under cover Kathy is trying to blend in by being slutty. She starts with her misogynistic aerobics instructor–because sorority sisters are known for their attendance at handsy male-instructed aerobics classes. Then the little harlot makes a pass at her doctor. Not sure why. After all, he is treating Kathy’s comatose body. None of this makes any sense.
This flick comes with its share of random. A guy gets strangled by his own reflection, Eva literally attacks her bedroom with a pair of yellow jeans and then has a spectral orgasm writhing about in her bed to celebrate the assault, and there’s an en masses snail attack (a la Slugs). Really, nothing makes any sense in this big hot mess. Why does someone who wakes up covered in snails quiver a little and then just die? Why didn’t the chick struggle at all? Do snails have a paralyzing venomous bite? Do snails bite now in this farce of a movie? Do they know some MMA hold that she couldn’t counter?
Not only does she not fight back, but she opens her mouth and waits for the snails to enter and deal some deadly blow.
Like many of Fulci’s nearly incoherent films, the writing and acting leaves a lot to be desired. There’s no sense of pacing. In fact, the third act–which is often the most watchable or even the only watchable portion of any horror movie–is actually by far the most boring portion of the film. There is also no suspense whatsoever (not even in the finale) and the actors all play forgettable characters with no personality and no one would lament their loss. Normally, what Fulci lacks in storytelling and casting direction he makes up for with glorious gore. Sadly, this movie failed to deliver even that.
With that, I am giving one of my very rare recommendations to skip this film. Skip this if you like the occasional horror movie. Skip this if you’re a die hard, watch-everything horror hound. Skip this even if you’re a Fulci fan trying to round out his entire body of work.
Just skip it.
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John’s Horror Corner presents Strong Opinions on continuing the Paranormal Activity franchise after PA4
I recently posted some rants and ravings about the Poltergeist remake and made numerous comparisons to the Paranormal Activity franchise (which was critiqued in a detailed overview). Well, today I’d like to express my concerns on continuing the PA series.
As I addressed in my franchise overview, these movies have been going downhill. The franchise steered away from its more unexplained “did that just move?” sensory experience in PA 3 and completed abandoned it by PA 4 for a temperamental poltergeist named Toby–way to keep a straight face on that one. With this transition in style, PA 3 started to add some story elements to the series, trumped up much more so in PA 4. Considering exposition to be the death of horror, I whole-heartedly felt that this was a major mistake! I can’t help but to wonder if this story-driven style (less rich with JFC jump-scares and HFS randomly moving household objects) will continue…I hope not.
I always knew they’d continue making PA movies and I always knew I’d go see them all no matter what the quality of the most recent release. It’s the way I am. But I reserved hope that they’d return to their old ways, the style of PA and PA 2.
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones will be written and directed by Christopher Landon (writer PA 2-4, producer PA 3), who has unfortunately had more involvement in lower quality films of the series than good ones. But at least he was involved in PA 2…
Something I loved about PA 2 was the Latin maid character. In the movie she speaks very little English, however she talks quite a bit. No subtitles are offered to the audience when she speaks Spanish (to herself, in panic or in prayer, etc.). But if you understand what she’s saying, the movie is actually more interesting. Even more interesting than if they gave subtitles…because you know that you caught something that wasn’t meant for everyone in the audience. As I found myself understanding it I stopped to wonder how monolingual Americans would react to these indecipherable mutterings—would the mood be different? No subtitles was a brilliant call. Also, adding not only a dog or a baby, but both, was a good call. You’ll find that you watch the baby much in the same way that you watch the dog. They’re both like wind chime-harbingers of strange goings-on.
I wonder how much of these ideas were put to paper by Landon. Of course, he also penned parts 3 and 4 (at least in part), and they had no such effective devices.
According to AICN, the upcoming film is due on January 3, 2014.
Paranormal Activity 5 director Gregory Plotkin has no directorial experience and produced parts 3-4 and edited 2-4. This strikes me as doubly bad news. Again, the man at the helm has more involvement with the inferior franchise installments than he does with the good ones. No official word yet on plot details for PA 5, or how it will connect to the other films. But part 5 is expected to continue developing the odd story cued up in parts 3-4, which is another disappointment to me. So get ready to learn more about Toby, the hair-pulling, back-breaking, dragging-you-down-the-hall-screaming poltergeist who has poisoned the PA waterhole.
According to AICN, the upcoming film is due on October 24, 2014.
Maybe Toby will break his high score on Kinect.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Which Mutated/Indignant Creature Are You?
Hello all. Mark here.
I love bad movies. I love bad movies featuring mutated creatures. I love lists. I like this Lion Bee
So, co-writer Lasavath and I have compiled a mutated/indignant creature name generator list. For Instance, Abraham Lincoln would be an “Irascible Wereturkey.” These terrifying creations will certainly unleash terror upon cities and undoubtedly be in the next crop of SyFy films.
Enjoy. Comment. Let us know what cranky creature you are. Share. Thanks!
First Name Last Name
A– Irascible A- Komodo Kitten Dragon
B– Indginant B- Lemur Leviathan
C– Flummoxed C- Unreleased Kraken
D– Rumpled D- Radioactive Dung Beetle
E– Beefy E- Gorilla Pug
F– Befuddled F– Amphibious Panther Tuna
G– Torrid G- Chupacabra Chinchilla
H– Wayward H- Razor Toed Sloth
I– Petulant I- Knife Billed Platypus
J– Addled J- Abino Land Lobster
K– Slimy K- Marmot Snapping Turtle
L– Complacent L- Wereturkey
M– Capricious M- Acid spitting Flying Llama
N-Dynamite N- Mustachioed Hairless Yeti
O– Smug O- Loch Ness Sea Cucumber
P– Calamitous P- T-Rex With a Tiny Head and Comically Long Arms
Q– Jocular Q- Catapult Operating Porcupine Gang
R– Insidious R- Flying Dragon Squirell
S– Turgid S- Eight-Legged Ostriconda
T– Obtuse T- Invisible Bigfoot
U– Cantankerous U- Giant Sobbing Hyena
V– Mercurial V- four Legged ink Spitting Llamapus
W– Quixotic W- Spider Monkey Spiders
X– Tenacious X– Gorilla in Paranormal Mist
Y– Uber Massive Y- Great White Baboon Lizards
Z– Self-Righteous Z- Spotted Muskrat Demonfish
Now. imagine your creature. The Chive did a fantastic job with their animal hybrids.
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Session 9 (2001), more of a cerebral creeper than an outright horror
MY CALL: It’s a nice creepy ride, if you ask me. I give it a “B+” for a serious horror movie. I’d go higher, but whereas the creepiness was undeniable, the scares didn’t make me jump. This a “B+” movie in general, not just as a horror. IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Hmmm. This is a toughie…Jacob’s Ladder (1990), perhaps? Maybe Paranormal Activity (2007) or White Noise (2005). FOR the SUPERFANS: The director (Brad Anderson) was also responsible for The Machinist and the TV series Fringe. He’s good at paranoia and suspense.
This movie is more about mind-teasing than story-weaving. Dreams, paranoia, voices of the subconscious or insanity or ghosts or who knows, a creepy chair, flashbacks, and a group of guys who are all really efficient at keeping each other on edge stack up to fuel a barrage of red herrings. You viewers would be advised to watch this surprisingly mostly daytime-filmed creeper in the dark to keep you on your toes as you try to triage out the red herrings from the truth in this fog of madness.
It’s a beautiful day for a dreadfully creepy movie, isn’t it?
This movie follows a hazardous materials crew on the job. In this case, the job is an historic site: a mental health facility that has been abandoned for almost twenty years. Abandoned loony bins make for good creepy settings. They’re filthy, their walls are decorated with schizophrenic collages, and the night security guard always has some creepy warning for whoever plans on going in. The guard warns that besides homeless squatters and vandalous punks, some of the hospital’s disturbed “residents” have tried to return to the only “home” they ever knew from time to time.
During a tour of the hospital viewers can breathe a sigh of relief that the set design, lighting and camera work are all A+ quality. During that same tour we learn that the crew leader is desperate, offering an impressive bid for the job that will get his team a $10,000 bonus. I’d stick any one-week job out for that kind of bonus. I don’t care what creepy fare ensues.
We know the trail of bread crumbs has started when one of the crew (Mike) finds a box of recorded therapy sessions of a multiple-personality victim of terrible abuse. There are nine sessions. As they progress we meet new personalities, and each personality comes with an unsettling voice. He listens to them (in order) on his lunch break, after work, or for a little bit at a time when he sneaks off. As the movie progresses we learn that this crew member is a law school dropout who knows a little too much about the psychology of murder, lobotomy practices and the history of their work site.
Anyway, weird things start happening and Mike is not the only one arousing suspicion. Tension dramatically rises between the other crew members. Mike gets edgier, himself. The crew leader, Gordon, is getting strung out over his wife, pressures that come with recently having a child, a meeting the one-week deadline for the job. Before you know it accusations are getting thrown around like roman candles in a teenaged alley duel.
This movie has a great cast including David Caruso (Without Warning) and Josh Lucas (The Cave). Yet somehow it flew under my radar when it was released (theatrical release?). I first came across it in Blockbuster a couple years after it came out. Now, having seen it a few times, I can say that this unique creeper is something that EVERY horror/thriller fan should have on their resume. It’s SOOOOO different! While the ending left me guessing, it wasn’t at the expense of my enjoyment. I’d make it a point to check out some of the deleted scenes and director’s commentary. It’s interesting to see where the director was going with some recurring elements of this movie.
For sure, see this. It’s a must.
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Top 5 Supporting Characters in an Action film
Hello all. Mark here.
Here’s the explanation of an action movie from my friend Andrew:
“Action is a pretty broad genre. If people (plural) are getting shot, it counts as an action movie.”
Classic action films all have something in common. They feature fantastic sidekicks, accomplices or supporting characters. The heroes and villains need help and the characters below add to the awesomeness. Enjoy the list! Comment! Let me know what you think.
Commando-Arnold’s Biceps
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We here at MFF know great biceps when we see them. No cinematic biceps have more character than Arnold’s in Commando. Without the biceps, there is no way Arnold could have shot 7,000 bullets with one gun. You know the scene where he’s holding the bullets up in a curl position. I did the math. A bullet weighs around 7.45 grams. 1 pound=453 grams. Screw the math, that is a whole lot of weight to be holding. Also, he never could have defeated the skinny yet somehow chubby Australian guy who wears a mesh tanktop (see below).
bicep city!
Gladiator-Juba
He saves Russel Crowe’s life by rubbing maggots in an open wound on his arm, which happens to be a technique Patrick Swayze later used in Roadhouse. Check out the first gladiatorial sequence to see why he’s so awesome: He gets chained to a little weakling. He escapes by cutting the chain loose and kills some dude in a rhino mask. He reunites back with Maximus and they kill the dude with the trident. Also, after the fight with the tiger guy, Juba starts a slow clap that would make any sports movie envious.
Great friend!
Tombstone-Doc Holiday
I’ll be your Huckleberry! Only Val Kilmer can play a dying alcoholic who’s still light years faster than any other man, woman, child or road runner. Also, the scene where he flips the cup around like a gun is awesome. I’d love to see him play flip cup at any area college party.
Epic!
If Doc Holiday was around in the movie Poseidon, Kurt Russel might have lived.
13th Warrior-Buliwyf
Not only was this guy a badass, he was the king of Badass-istan. He invades an enemy lair and kills the queen as he is simultaneously poisoned (a lesser man would have keeled over in .0001 seconds.
However, what I love the most is when the cannibal army attacks with like 3,000 horsemen, he saunters into the fray and kills their leader with one swipe, ending the reign of terror (remember he’s still poisoned). Then, with no hint of boisterousness or self-indulgent strutting, he promptly returns to his throne, strikes a picturesque pose, and dies sitting perfectly straight.
If I killed the head honcho of a brutal tribe of cannibals, I would damn sure do a little jig and follow with years of smack talk. Without him, Antonio Banderas – the Spanish guy, playing a Persian, fighting with the Vikings – wouldn’t have lived long enough to be the “13th Warrior.”
Whoa…
Hot Fuzz Andy’s
Sure the Andy’s were jerks who rock impressive mustaches but they eventually come around and catch marinara in face whilst fighting bad guys. They are terrible at catching crooks, occasionally have beer mustaches on top of their mustaches and love ice cream. Paddy Considine and Rafe Spall are obviously having a blast and it shows in their performances. Hot Fuzz is a treasure trove of wonderful moments and Andy/Andy contribute to many of them.
Mustache city
Speed-Annie Porter
Before Sandra Bullock was winning Oscars and lost in space she was keeping a bus over 50 MPH. Speed is an action classic that still stands out 19 years later. Sandra Bullock’s character Annie Porter contributes to the popularity with her cool, calm, cute and collected performance. Her banter with Keanu was fantastic and she brings the humanity to the chaos. Plus, she was so good in this movie they put her in Speed 2, which didn’t turn out so well.
Movies, Films & Flix 