John’s Horror Corner: Death Spa (1989), sweating out the toxins with some bad 80s horror at its best
MY CALL: SPOILER ALERT! This movie sucks! There, I said it. But I also managed to enjoy it for its immensely funny levels of holy shit awful. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: I’d start with some other totally random wtf older horror flick like Hellgate (1990; funny), The Sentinel (1977; serious). The Nesting (1981; serious), The Outing (1987; funny), Deadly Blessing (1981; funny), The Possessed (1975; funny), Xtro (1983; super weird) and Superstition (1982; funny). ALTERNATE TITLE: Evidently, this movie is also called Witch Bitch..or so the opening credits suggest.
POV shots to weird sound effects, nudity within the first five minutes and a sultry Flashdance routine immediately warn of the quality of the movie to come. Our flashdancing spa exhibitionist is Laura (Brenda Bakke; Nowhere to Run, Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight) and she is nearly killed when the gym sauna spews caustic gas out of some pipe–clearly in an effort to murder her…because spas do that in this movie But have no fear, she judo chops to safety through a window and then passes out naked and sweaty before our eyes.
This spa looks like the 80s vomited all over it. Super short shorts on allegedly straight guys with feathered hair, girls in provocatively snug unitards, lots of hairspray, tights, promiscuity, atrocious movie scoring, legwarmers and a strangely wardrobed black dude (Ken Foree; Dawn of the Dead, The Lords of Salem, Halloween, From Beyond) who the director clearly decided was “tough” because he’s a tall black dude.
As the “spa” continues to strike, its assaults include tampering with a diving board, scalding hot showers and projectile bath tiles flying at naked women, a busted hot water pipe melts the face off of some chick and a needlessly deadly chest-fly machine kills some dude. Not surprisingly it only takes a few free months of gym membership from the gym owner Michael (William Bumiller; Species) for people to keep coming to the gym where several people have been serially killed or injured in the past week! Later some dude has his face squeezed off (the only real latex effort in special effects), a chick’s hand gets blended into a protein shake while it’s still attached to her and there’s a random zombie fish attack…yes, one zombie in the entire movie and it’s a fish. This movie is the ultimate in random stupidity and ill-execution. It even includes death by tanning bed–which may be the first time this ever happened on film (?), later copied by the I Know What You Did Last Summer and Final Destination franchises.
After reaching the limits of his tolerance of all these unexplainable events, Michael hires a paranormal investigator. He’s a psychometrist (I had to look it up, too). His character, obviously intended to be interesting, is at the very least as poorly written as the other aspects of this flick. He’s a boring stereotype and his little value beyond his WTF LOL death scene.
Shower scenes and wet bodies abound in this extra cheesy kill flick in which a HAL-like gym security system takes it upon itself to kill its members like they kill their triceps. Yup, basically an evil security camera possessed by Michael’s dead wife starts killing people. However, her real revenge is that the actor who plays her still living lover Michael would never have a better role than he did in this movie. Why is she doing this? Essentially, she’s lonely in Hell after killing herself. So, to get his attention, she possesses the body of her super-creepy twin brother and starts killing everyone at Michael’s gym and she won’t stop unless he kills himself to keep her company.
The gore is laughable and received hardly any effort even for its time with the exception of the occasional melted face. Meanwhile random blood spritzes and the melted corpses do little to stimulate anything more than an eye-rolling grin.
I’m not gonna’ lie. I’ve seen better…LMAO. This movie starts and then goes nowhere as it sadly misses the potential of each butchered kill scene one by one. I’d like to see this remade by Eli Craig, Joss Whedon or Sam Raimi…you know, like the minds behind Evil Dead (2013), The Cabin in the Woods (2012), Final Destination 5 (2011), Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010), Drag Me to Hell (2009), and of course Evil Dead 2 (1987) and The Evil Dead (1981).
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Bad Movie Tuesday: 21 & Over 90 minutes of Vulgarity
21 & Over is incredibly vulgar, every nationality is insulted, every profanity is spewed and every type of liquor is vomited. It is a case study in too much. The movie features two dudes played by likable actors Miles Teller (Footloose, Spectacular Now, Project X) and Skylar Astin (Pitch Perfect, Hamlet 2) and puts them in the traditional drunk escapade involving getting their good friend Jeff Chang to his medical school interview. Throughout the night they unleash a bull, puke on a mechanical bull, sneak into a sorority house, watch women make out, throw a dart through a dude’s cheek, dance on cop cars, throw Jeff Chang out of multiple windows, escape an angry father, get spanked by paddles, only wear socks, endure closeted frat dudes, pee on women and drink a lot of beer.
There is so much vulgarity you never get to like the characters who are engaged in the nastiness. It wanted to be Old School, Animal House, Harold and Kumar and Road Trip but forgot to make memorable characters. The four films I mentioned all feature likable characters, hilarious moments and copious vulgarity that are used in conjunction with each other to create gut busting laughs. However, 21 rarely blends character/hilarity/vulgarity into funny moments. The biggest laugh comes from an incredibly drunk Jeff Chang dancing on top of a car after the police tell him to “get down.” The moment works because of the cheeky dancing and the reactions from the cops. The best moments in this film are not gross and come from little exchanges like this:
Chang: “You broke my laptop!”
Angry dude: “Get a desktop!”
When making a gross-out college romp the most important things are the characters. If you don’t like the people involved you will have nothing invested in the bodily function jokes. There is no Frank the Tank, Harold, Kumar, Bluto, or endearing Sean William Scott character guiding you through the shenanigans. We are stuck with likable actors who have been made unbearable by the constant barrage of dialogue and excretion of bodily functions. Miles Teller is a great actor but the script never lets him stop talking. He talks about everything he sees and it starts to grate the ears and numb the senses. Miles is Vince Vaughn X11 and he explains everything that happens after it happened. For instance, Jeff Chang pukes on some coeds then Miles says “Jeff Chang just puked on some coeds!” Also, They throw Jeff Chang out of a window and Miles declares “We just through Jeff Chang through a window!” You will hear everything twice in 21 & Over.
If you insist on watching this film and haven’t watched Pitch Perfect, Footloose or Project X then I’ve compiled a checklist for watching this film.
1. Drink every time they say “Jeff Chang.” They say it like 700 times. I’m pretty certain the creators intended the constant name check to become a party game.
2. Watch it in the background while at a party and pretend like you weren’t the one who recommended it.
3. If you are writing a film about a wild night of shenanigans this will show you what not to do.
4. Drink every time they say “Randy.” It is a decent little subplot involving a dude named Randy and two dudes who always call him “Randy.”
5. Appreciate better films like Euro Trip, Road Trip and Hangover. Realize that it is hard to make popular frat-house films.
Don’t watch 21 & Over. Watch Pitch Perfect, Footloose or Project X. Appreciate the college Animal House classics that have survived the test of time.
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Stoker: When Goode is Evil
Stoker is cruel, artful and fantastic. It tells a macabre story of a very creepy uncle and two women on the eve of a family death. Stoker will linger in your memory because it strays from the supernatural and instead focuses on people who can kill with little or no conscience.
The film has a southern gothic feel to it that builds an insular world full of dark moments and sudden death. It would be hard to recommend to a non-cinema buff because it is not easy to watch. I’d compare it to I Saw the Devil or Seven because of the stylish ways they capture evil on film. Directed by Park Chan-Wook (OldBoy) Stoker moves ahead at a deliberate pace that could only be created by a master of the genre. The script written by Wentworth Miller gives us a wonderful villain and several questionable characters that take us out of the world. For instance, why is every high school male mean and forceful?
The story centers around Nicole Kidman and Mia Wasikowska mourning the loss of their husband/father (played in flashbacks by Dermont Mulroney). One day a good looking man shows up and tells them he is uncle Charlie. Charlie is known to the family as the world traveling businessman who has little time for family. Mia notices something off about this charming man. His nice clothes and easy smile mask a murderously empty soul. What follows is a tension filled movie filled with stylish shots, fantastic acting and a dangerous pencil.
Matthew Goode owns this film as he walks a fine line of underacting and overacting. There is restraint in his mannerisms but you can tell by his smile and eyes that something is missing. He is the scariest of villains because he is pure evil. He could play a round of tennis then stuff somebody in a cooler and neither of those events would be greater in importance. Goode talked to details magazine and he talked about how he figured out his “eyes”:
I got the eyes a couple of days before we shot the film. We were in a steak restaurant. I kind of knew what I wanted to do, but I was still slightly unnerved, so I had a few whiskeys and was chatting with Park and having a lot of fun. There was a painting in the corner of this little steak restaurant in Nashville. I went over to it, and I was like, “That’s it.” It was this guy in a sort of 1920s outfit with a bow tie, and it was so odd. I brought it to Park, and he was like, “That’s Uncle Charlie.” And that was it. There was something in this guy’s eyes.
Stoker gives us a classic character and proves the Park Chan-wook is a master filmmaker who will be freaking us out for years to come.
Watch Stoker. Beware that is isn’t easy. However, it is a tough journey worth taking.
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Before Midnight: The Wonderful End of an Era
I was a young punk when I watched Before Sunrise on VHS in 1996. I knew nothing about world travel, first love or intriguing conversations (I was 14). However, Sunrise caught me off guard and I loved every second of Jesse and Celine as they navigated the streets of Vienna. Then, in 2004 I watched Before Sunset in an empty theater and the movie blew me away. I was a 22 year old who drank too much beer, lifted copious amounts of weights and could probably have been defined as a “bruh.” For some reason these two moves involving two generations Xer’s talking had a lasting impact on a guy who grew up in a small town and loved partying. They were intellectual, romantic and extremely well made. I became a huge fan of both actors and I’ve read both of Ethan Hawke’s books (Hottest State, Ash Wednesday),watched Julie Delpy’s (2 Days in Paris, 2 Days in New York) series and suffered through various odd projects (An American Werewolf in Paris, Hottest state movie). I even had this poster on my college apartment wall.
I love Before Sunrise so much my fiancee surprised me with this wonderful typography she did while getting her graduate degree.
Thanks Meg
Before Midnight is a wonderful way to end the Celine and Jesse era. It is nine years later and they are romantically together and parents to some very cute twins. They argue, wax poetic and wonder where the time has gone. The movie starts with Hawke sending his son onto a plane to head back to Chicago where the kid lives with his mom. They are finishing up a six week vacation in Greece and it is rightfully bittersweet. What follows is a night of wonderful conversations, fights and scenery.
I don’t want to give away too many clues as to where the conversations take them but know the feeling out process and superficial discussions are gone. The two have been together for nine years which allows them to be comfortable and annoyed at each other. They have a deep love for each other but both are stubborn individuals whom are pulling at opposite directions while being firmly tied to each other. What follows are discussions in cars, discussions at dinner, discussions while walking and discussions in hotel rooms.
I was in constant amazement at the long takes and amount of dialogue that Hawke and Delpy had to learn. Together, they are a well oiled machine that feel natural on camera and make you believe in their relationship. It will be a huge disappointment if the entire crew (Delpy, Hawke, Linklater) are not nominated for Oscars. The three have given us a twenty year romance that has been critically and universally adored (97.6% critical and 90% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes). If you haven’t watched these films yet I highly recommend you rent or buy them, turn off your cell phones and bask in the glory of two smart people as they navigate love, loss and growing up.
Watch Before Midnight. Appreciate the 20 year romance. Wonder if Hawke will ever get rid of the facial hair.
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MY CALL: What if Charlie’s Angels was raunchy, trashy and rated a hard-R a la Tarantino? Well, you’d probably get this funny, tasteless and breastacular exploitation film which walks a fine line between an erotic clothes-on video shoot and a slapstick crime caper that makes every effort to be bad in the spirit of fun. IF YOU LIKE THIS WATCH: Boys Against Girls (2013) and Kill Bill (2003, 2004), I guess. But, from modern-day movies, some Tokyo Shock movies are more similar to this than even the raunchy classics that Bitch Slap honors.
America Olivo
Writer/director Rick Jacobson is no stranger to over-the-top, scantily clad tough girls and cleavage. He’s directed many episodes of Hercules, Xena, Baywatch and two seasons of Spartacus, and he knows how to deliver. He can’t aim a camera at one of his leading ladies without starting at her fun parts. As tasteless as that sounds, Jacobson has crafted a modern, clever throwback to exploitation classics, dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century.
We have three female leads… The air-headed Trixie (Julia Voth), red-headed Hel (Erin Cummings; Dollhouse, Spartacus: War of the Damned) and the over-medicated hothead Camero (America Olivo; No One Lives, Maniac, Friday the 13th) are three breasty bitches with attitude who are in over their head for $200 million in diamonds. Clearly borrowing from Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction (1994), the story jumps from present day to flashbacks, not presented in chronological order, which serve to explain some things in the wake of the confusion while slowly pulling the veil on what’s really going on along with some red herrings. This approach is articulate, but it’s hard to notice when the view of this cleverness is obscured by so many in-your-face, sweaty boobs.
America Olivo
These girls talk a big game, are way too tough to be credible (because credible is what they were after in making this film, right?), and give us a mix raunchy girl-on-girl humor with silly spy skills.
Julia Voth
This mix of female empowerment and exploitation features bullets to the balls, exit wound sprays from the head, threats of genital mutilation, stripper dance routines, comical drug use, a glowing vagina, very weirdly creative (or just drug-induced) analogies involving two-dicked dogs and getting people wet, crotch punches, death yo-yos, sopping wet catfights, women touching themselves, small children saying “salty balls”, a pig-tailed lesbian Asian in a schoolgirl outfit, loads of heaving and fondling, bitches hogtying other bitches with chains, bitches lighting other bitches on fire, bitches exploding other bitches in cars, bitches choking other bitches out, REALLY BIG guns, a female crotch bite (first ever on film?), the longest and most ridiculous catfight ever, and so much more.
The highlight of this director’s skills include a split screen girl-on-girl makeout session complete with trancy film-editing transitions. Jacobson also keeps things classy by showing us strikingly few bare nipples…however we do get rough finger-banging, insinuated lesbian oral sex, and more wet breast shots than Piranha 3D (2010) and Piranha 3DD (2012) combined.
Julia Voth
The level of crazy corny action, fake acrobatics, cartoonish green-screen work (very Sin City graphic novel-y), utterly tasteless voluptuan montages with sleazy scoring, catfights with metal-scoring, and D-quality slo-mo special effects should provoke uncontrollable laughter.
Kevin Sorbo (Hercules, Xena, Meet the Spartans) makes a cameo appearance as Mr. Phoenix and Lucy Lawless (Xena, Hercules, Spartacus, Battlestar Galactica) as Mother Superior. Sorbo gets the better cameo by far! You can find him in the worst action finale ever.
America Olivo
A few of my favorite quotes (not perfectly quoted, by the way) include…
“I’m going to tear your show tits asunder.”
“Let’s slip off to some small Micronesian island.”
“So you’re a super spy masquerading as a sex toy tycoon?”
Julia Voth
You should know based on the DVD cover whether or not this movie is for you. It may not be “my style,” but it was certainly for me.
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World War Z: Zombie Apocalypse Done Right
I read World War Z on a much delayed plane to Scotland in 2006 and I really enjoyed the experience. It was fun, inventive and came out of nowhere. When I heard Brad Pitt signed on to produce and star in the movie my curiosity was piqued. How could they pull off the multiple viewpoints and huge moments? The answer is, they didn’t. It would have been impossible and very expensive. I never could have predicted this but I really enjoyed World War Z. In a day and age where most actions films involve conflicted superheroes destroying cities (Avengers, Batman, Man of Steel, Iron Man, Spiderman, Star Trek) or The Rock sweating (FF6, GI Joe 2, Snitch) it was nice to watch a human named Jerry travel the globe while surrounded by interesting character actors, angry undead and real stakes. WWZ was fun, tense and refreshing for a film about a zombie apocalypse. There was a call back to the Zombie Survival Guide too.
World War Z had everything going against it. The film suffered through reshoots, rewrites, delays, insanely fast zombies and an odd choice for director. However, it is the most pleasant surprise of the summer. What could have easily have been soul crushing is now tense, smart and lots of fun. Brad Pitt carries himself stoically while chaos reigns around him. Also, the character actors around him James Badge Dale, David Morse, Peter Capaldi, Ruth Negga, Moritz Bleibtreu are all very interesting and add gravitas to a film about fast undead people biting humans.
World War Z is the story of a man named Jerry who travels from Philadelphia, South Korea, Jerusalem and Wales looking for a cure/source to the plague. Along the way he survives fast zombies, massive walls being overrun and plane crashes to find a cure. The movie has a nice progression, feels confident in it’s execution and is refreshing in how human it is. I’ve grown tired of superheroes punching each other through buildings so when movies like Fast and Furious 6 and World War Z come along I really appreciate them. Also, at first I disliked the look of the zombie hordes climbing over each other but when it happened I was invested and totally bought into it.
Brad Pitt is believable as a former UN investigator who gets tasked to find the cure in order for his family to be safe. What I love is the odds are incredibly stacked against him but he always keeps moving and finds ways to survive despite having thousands of angry undead chasing him. Pitt would have done just fine alongside Iko Uwais or Karl Urban in The Raid or Dredd (watch and you will understand). The movie builds an effective sense of dread in the opening Philadelphia moments and grows into a globe-trotting search for a cure. It is a lean, mean and an incredibly fun machine that is surprisingly well reviewed (70% Rt).
The finale which was written by Drew Goddard and Damon Lindelof is a highlight of the film. Pitt has found himself in a research facility in Wales and has figured out how to give humanity hope. The problem is that he has to travel through Hall B. An incident occurred while studying the disease and now it is loaded with 80 angry infected scientists. So, they lock the doors behind him and he has to travel through the claustrophobic halls in order to get where he needs to be. The finale is loaded with cool actors, intelligent motivations and a lot of jaw clicking.
World War z is smart, tense and surprising well made. It made it through its tough production and became a cohesive and entertaining film. Watch it. Like it. Read the book. Appreciate the Pitt.
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This Is the End: A 10 Year Reunion of Sorts
This is the End is like The Expendables except these famous young comedians have no problem making fun of themselves. The all-star cast of Apatow acolytes roast themselves as the world burns around them. The movie could have been a lazy showcase but instead features some huge laughs involving capri suns, horny demons and masturbation etiquette. This Is the End feels like the ten year reunion from when these guys got their first big breaks. They’ve occasionally worked together, gone their own way and are now back under one roof in a very uncomfortable spot.
Shakespeare it ain’t but it does have a comfortable comedic flow due to the familiarity of the actors and commitment to their roles. It has been fun watching this crew navigate Hollywood since the early 2000’s. The six actors have all had highs (127 Hours, Million Dollar Baby, Hot Rod, Tropic Thunder, Goon, Pineapples Express, Moneyball, 21 Jump Street, Knocked Up, Superbad, All the Real Girls, 50/50), Lows (Annapolis, Green Hornet, Guilt Trip, Your Highness, Babysitter, Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Peeples) and everything in between (She’s out of My League, Hot Tub Time Machine, Observe and Report, Oz, Land of the Lost).
The idea for the film came from the 2007 short film that Rogen and Baruchel made called Jay and Seth Versus the Apocalypse. The short provided a groundwork for Rogen and co-writer Adam Goldberg to write This is the End. The plot of the the film centers around Jay Baruchel visiting his close friend Seth Rogen for a weekend of weed, video games and good times. However, Rogen convinces Jay to go to a huge house party at James Franco’s lavish new mansion. What follows is the rapture, Michael Cera getting impaled and a whole lot of self discovery amongst the six as they realize they are not good people.
The actors have no problem lampooning themselves as selfish, petty and passive aggressive. I loved the moment when Craig Robinson calls out uber negative Jay Baruchel by saying “I bet you hate movies that are universally loved.” Of course, we find out Jay hates Forrest Gump. Also, Jonah Hill opens up a prayer with “It’s Jonah Hill, from Moneyball.” While the world is burning they form alliances, argue about masturbating on porno magazines and let all forms of pettiness fly. However, as in a lot of their films there is a sweetness permeating through the smoke haze. Craig Robinson comes across as the nicest dude ever, Franc0 absolutely loves Rogen and McBride may be homicidal but is sorta misunderstood. Together, they endure water shortages, a misunderstanding with Emma Watson and sharing a delicious Mars candy bar.
I dug this film because it walked a tight rope. Sometimes creators think that putting funny people together is enough to get a laugh. However, you can tell that care was taken to create likable characters and some genuinely tense moments. They’ve made unlikable characters redeemable and built some comedic set pieces that provide laughs throughout. The movie also has a charming DIY feel that creates claustrophobia amidst the shenanigans. There is something at stake for these guys and it isn’t just an excuse to put them in a room and let them riff about “sinkhole De Mayo.”
Watch This Is the End. Enjoy the reunion. Look forward to This Is the End Again in 10 years.
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Jack the Giant Slayer: A Refreshing Blast of Nice
Jack the Giant Slayer is a breath of fresh air. The characters are nice, the actors are having fun and the movie has a straightforward cheeky vibe that keeps a smile on your face. My fiancée and I enjoyed every minute of the film because it wasn’t burdened by anti heroes, origin stories, self-important monologues and weighty issues. I have no problem with any of those factors and many movies featuring them (Thor, The Dark Knight, Batman Begins, Captain America) I own and love to watch. However, sometimes it is nice to watch a film where characters listen to each other while they battle giants. We’ve become so accustomed to the whiny princesses, poor peasants, evil knights and cheeky sidekicks that we expect every film to feature them. However, Jack strays away from these character traits and is all the more likable for it.
Jack is the story of beanstalks, angry giants and Ewan McGregor’s hair. The movie creates likable characters who are refreshingly nice. The story has a predictable vibe with unpredictable characters who listen to each other and look out for best interests. The problems amongst the main characters are not caused by selfishness, entitlement or jealousy. Once the stalk gets growing and giants start forming the characters act rationally, cheekily and bravely. They are smart people dealing with a giant problem. Also, not only are there magic beans but there is magic hair. McGregor’s hair goes from perfect, wet, disheveled and back to perfect without any hair wax or primping.
This may sound odd considering CGI giants are battling knights but the action is surprisingly believable. When a man runs at a giant the man gets stomped. It adds a neat wildcard to the film. Do you remember the Matthew McConaughey, Gerard Butler and Christian Bale classic Reign of Fire? There is a seemingly epic scene where McC jumps off a tower to attack a dragon. You think he might chop it’s head off or land a death-blow but the opposite happens. McC jumps and the dragon effortlessly eats the muscled man. It is anti-climatic and pretty awesome. The giants are the same in this film. Sure they are dumb but there is no way a man could kill them without large arrows, fire or a bee’s nest placed inside their helmet which forces them to stumble off a cliff. Characters get squished unceremoniously in Jack and I like that.
Jack the Giant Slayer had a long road to hit the cinema. It went through year-long post-production delays, multiple rewrites and several directors. However, the final product turned out better than expected. It is a lean squishing machine that director Bryan Singer (X-Men, Superman Returns) explains like this:
It’s a very traditional fairytale, probably the most traditional thing I’ve ever done. But it’ll also be a fun twist on the notion of how these tales are told… Fairytales are often borne of socio-political commentary and translated into stories for children. But what if they were based on something that really happened?.. What if we look back at the story that inspired the story that you read to your kids? That’s kind of what this movie’s about.
Jack the Giant Slayer is pure popcorn entertainment. There are no anti-heroes, emotional depths are not plumbed and it features too many giant farts. However, It is nice not to have the huge speeches, predictable beats and angry father/daughter subplots. Just enjoy yourself when watching this film. It is meant for adults and kids who enjoy seeing pigs surrounded by dough (Literal pig in a blanket). It is an unpretentious film that simply wanted to tell a nice story and entertain kids. I totally recommend this to anybody looking for a breezy time featuring wonderful actors and Bill Nighy as a two-headed giant.
Watch Jack the Giant Slayer. Appreciate that is doesn’t try to reinvent the wheel and instead features a giant throwing a huge cart wheel at a castle.
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The Man of Steel: When Big Themes Meet Empty Action
The Man of Steel is another addition to the loud summer blockbuster tradition. It takes an incredibly popular character, adds a tons of importance and features little character development. The movie is a visual cornucopia full of empty calories and property destruction. The number one takeaway is that Russell Crowe is the only human alive who looks more comfortable riding a flying lizard then he is playing an everyday bloke. Also, Kevin Costner needs to act around corn more often.
I really wanted to like Man of Steel but found myself caring more about the property destruction. The CGI heavy fight scenes reminded me of what Iron Man 3 was trying to avoid after learning the computer blob brawls didn’t work in the first two. Superman battles CGI baddies in full space gear while giant claw arms spew from a mechanical spaceship. The excitement is non-existent because you know Superman will win and the CGI villains will fly around shakily and do nothing to engage or excite. Zach Snyder has taken a creative step back after Dawn of the Dead and 300 made him famous. You were invested in the characters as they battled zombies and boat loads of Persians. The violence was intense and stylish but you never forgot about character. His following films Watchmen and Sucker Punch looked amazing but never packed anything resembling an emotional punch or engaging narrative structure. Watching Sucker Punch had me worried about Superman because Snyder failed to make scantily clad women, good music, robots, Oscar Issac and huge battles entertaining.
The MoS cast is full of award winning thespians (Kevin Costner, Russel Crowe, Amy Adams, Diane Lane, Laurence Fishburne and most importantly Michael Shannon) who give it their all despite having little to do. Henry Cavill looks the part and deserves the tweets but he never makes an impression or is able to own Superman. Costner and Lane are wonderful together and Costner’s scenes carry the weight of the film. His insistence on making sure Clark is ready to introduce himself to the world is the central and most intriguing theme of the film. However, the self importance and suppossed familiarity in Superman characters left me cold and wanting more. I wanted more of Zod’s demented mission to save his race and Lois Lane’s researching skills. The themes in this film are really neat but become lost in the CGI punching.
I know a lot of people did not enjoy Superman Returns but I found several moments to be wonderful. For instance, the scene where Lex Luthor’s baddie and the kid play piano. The scene is a threatening moment that gives the henchman a memorable character moment and provides tension and levity. Also, the plane scene (which Iron Man 3 copied) is an exhilarating moment of man vs. machine that was not overblown by CGI. Also, Lane’s husband came to the rescue and added a neat vision of humans and Superman working together.
Wesley Morris of Grantland summed up why the first two Superman movies are so popular and endearing:
What made the first two Superman movies, in 1978 and 1981, work so well as entertainments was how they could scale the tone up or down. Richard Donner gave you a romantic screwball comedy — basically, His Girl Friday — that established the characters and made you care about them so that when, later, the comedy dissipates in the face of danger, you have a stake in the outcome. You want action to solve the drama and restore the lightness. Snyder doesn’t have that kind of classical smoothness.
There is nothing smooth about Man of Steel. There are three incredibly obvious Messiah references on top of camerawork so shaky it looks like they placed the camera on top of a large shake weight. Buildings crumble, people engage in huge acts of bravery and people are literally punched through city blocks (many times over). The problem is that while watching you care nothing for these characters. The flash back narrative and seriousness keep you from holding your breath. When Superman learns to fly it should be a triumphant moment of character engagement. However, you are treated to fantastic CGI and little else. There is a scene where Laurence Fishburne (looking much better than he did in Predators) is trying to free a trapped coworker from underneath a collapsed building. You are supposed to care about their plight but the script has done nothing to make them real so there are no real emotions. I never want to see anybody smooshed but I had zero at stake whether they made it out of the property destruction.
The scenes with Laurence reminded me (PROMETHEUS SPOILER ALERT) of Idris Elba’s death in Prometheus. He and two of his crew drive their ship into the alien ship as it is threatening to fly away to destroy earth. The moment should have had an Independence Day type bravado but instead ended with a loud explosions and a crunched Charlize Theron.
The Man of Steel tries something new and that should be applauded. However, they forgot to add tension and character to the violence. The result is a movie about big themes that only go kiddie pool deep because city blocks have to be destroyed.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Movie 43 and Kitchen Sink Humor
Do you like poop on windshields, blood, incest, Leprechaun murder, vulgar language, horny animated cats, racial stereotypes, neck testicles and nudity? Well, if you enjoy most of these things you probably won’t enjoy this film. Movie 43 throws so many gross things at you it creates a cacophony of flatulence noises and a cavalcade of uninteresting short stories that make you depressed and worried about Kate Winslet’s career choices.
I get Movie 43. Put a bunch of A-list celebrities in compromising situations and hilarity ensues. However, the clips throw you headlong into nastiness so there is zero build up for the punch lines. You are supposed to feel bad for Kate Winslet and she sits across from Hugh Jackman while he is dumping his neck testicles into BBQ sauce. However, you don’t know the characters so there is zero reason to care. Remember when the Farrelly brothers created testicles jokes that worked? There’s Something About Mary features the Citizen Kane of genitalia jokes. The set up is that Ben Stiller has somehow landed the perfect 10 of a homecoming date. As he nervously waits for his beautiful date he goes to the bathroom and is caught off guard when he looks through the bathroom window and sees her changing. He has done nothing wrong aside from peeing in the wrong place at the wrong time. He quickly zips up his pants and gets his beans above his frank. What follows is gross out comedy with heart. There is no heart in Movie 43. It is a empty shell of gross thinking it is funny.
The critcal vitriol this film received was funnier than the movie. The movie critics dog piled (4% RT) the film and buried it beneath words like lazy, disgusting, aggressive stupidity, witless, awful, racist, cruel, misogynistic, disaster, depressing and a misfire of megalithic proportions. My favorite two quips were by Dave White of Movies.com and Elizabeth Weitzman of the New York Daily News.
To fully enjoy yourself from start to finish, it will help if you’ve got the sense of humor of a middle-school-aged sociopath…
As a film critic, I’ve seen nearly 4,000 movies over the last fifteen years. Right now, I can’t think of one worse than Movie 43.
The basic concept the creators were going for was zany situations are made funny when A-list actors are in them. This is almost guaranteed to not be funny. Before Chevy Chase was a spy or hanging from the Hoover Dam he was a passive aggressive everyday man who made us laugh in Vacation and Fletch. However, when he got famous the creativity left the building and they thought putting him in a movie was enough. Creativity was gone because it became Chevy Chase is Fletch as oppossed to Fletch featuring Chevy Chase. My favorite comedic actor had a similar dearth of comedic purgatory. The films Larger than Life and The Man Who Knew Too Little put him in zany situations that proved painfully unfunny. The poor guy was left working his butt off to make people laugh while he was wearing a silly hat. Producers thought Bill Murray wearing a silly hat would sell tickets. The silly hat did not sell tickets.
There is nothing interesting about the worlds of Movie 43. I find it interesting that the thing was made and that people thought it might be funny. I’d love to hear a commentary about the making of the movie and get inside the creators head. Hopefully, lessons are learned and people realize that skit classic Kentucky Fried Movie wasn’t a fluke. The best thing that come from this film is that more people discover Kentucky and appreciate skit comedy done right.
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