Bad Movie Tuesday: New Year’s Eve
New Year’s Eve deserves the 8% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. However, it didn’t deserve the amount of critical hatred that was heaped upon it. Movie critics unleashed fury buried since their childhood on this film. They watched the movie, loaded up all their vitriol and then spewed hellfire and damnation upon it. The critics were Joffrey Baratheon and the movie was Ned Stark.
I say New Years Eve is like Ned because it tried to be nice and noble but it made all the wrong decisions and lead to a critical smooshing.
I watched New Year’s Eve on a plane headed for Toronto. I told the man next to me I was watching it for a Bad Movie Tuesday post and he wished me luck and started Mission Impossible Four (wonderful movie). A random thought got me through the movie. If Lance Armstrong could survive cancer and become the world’s greatest cyclist I could survive a two-hour movie. I quickly learned that watching this movie was the equivalent of an insane uphill climb on the Tour de France. No matter how far you advance it is never as much as you’d like.
The best reason to watch this film is to go against the hateful critics and try to find a silver lining amidst the drudgery. Why watch a film when all you want to do is be angry with it? I went into the film looking for positives.
I stopped looking for positives roughly three minutes into the film when Michelle Pfeiffer’s naive character does a nose dive into some garbage and is rude to a man who tries to help her. I began to feel the sudden urge to turn this movie off and watch MI4.
SIDENOTE: My girlfriend Megan and I tried to watch New Year’s Eve in the theaters but we bolted during this scene so we could watch the lovely War Horse. Greatest cinematic/date saving decision ever.
So, instead of heaping praise or hate on this film I’m going to explain how it went wrong in a logical manner.
First and foremost the film is a knock off of Valentine’s Day which is a rip off of Love Actually. There was a bit of anticipation for Valentine’s Day but it was quickly washed away when people saw the film. It was a box office success and director Gary Marshall quickly hired every actor he could find so he could capitalize on the success.
The problem is that the film feels hasty. The characters are underwritten two-dimensional stereotypes who have names like Jensen and Kominski. No movie can be good if it has those names in it.
If you put the actors names in a hat and put them in any of the various roles the movie would work. their characters are so interchangeable the audience wouldn’t care if you mixed them up. Actually, the movie needed a mix up. I’d love to see a DeNiro/Biel marriage, Jon Bon Jovi playing Zac Efrons character and Katherine Heigel stepping in for Ludacris. Love Actually messed with the rules and people are building statues for it on Easter Island. New Year’s Eve stuck to the rules and NPR called it a “soup made of rocks.”
Here are the eight stories.
1. Michelle Pfeiffer channels a mousy Rain Man and Zac Efron takes her on a road trip.
2. A depressed Kutcher gets stuck in an elevator with Lea Michele.
3. Hilary Swank goes to a dictators birthday……
4. Katherine Heigl yells at Jon Bon Jovi whilst he looks to be reversing in age.
5. Robert DeNiro is a dying dude who is taken care of by the nicest human being in the history of the world played by Halle Berry.
6. Sarah Jessica Parker is a single mother who does lots of single mothering.
7. Josh Duhamel wears a tux and rides in an RV while a horny old guy pesters him.
8. Jessica Biel threatens a pregnant woman while Seth Myers surprisingly doesn’t get beat up by an odd hat wearing Hugo Stiglitz.
New Year’s Eve is not a terrible film worthy of condemnation and scorn. It will find an audience on TNT and is perfectly non-offensive. However, it is not a good film. I’ve never witnessed such underwritten characters and I’ve seen the movie Sand Worms.
Do not watch this film. Watch Mission Impossible IV or War Horse instead. They have nothing to do with this film but I didn’t haven’t to channel Lance Armstrong to get through them.
Trailer Talk: Chernobyl Diaries (2012)
CLICK HERE to go to the review of Chernobyl Diaries.
I guess it was about time somebody capitalized on the horrors left in the wake of this historical event: Chernobyl, named after the city with the poor nuclear reactor of the same name. On April 26th, 1986, the Ukrainian power plant had a bit of a bad day when reactor 4 was getting a bit wonky from a power surge. What ensued was an emergency shutdown attempt, a series of explosions, the fall of the Soviet economy, and ultimately (evidently) some tribal-gone-cannibal locals waiting to prey on 20-something tourists.
CLICK HERE to see the trailer.
Release Date: May 25th
This trailer doesn’t show us a whole lot in terms of estimating what kind of horror this will be. Really, we see just enough to know that the acting doesn’t suck (actually it looks quite good for horror) and the production value is competitive. But are there special effects—like, at all? That’s the wild card. Depending on the horror style they may not need any (e.g., Paranormal Activity had minimal FX). Contrarily, movies in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre vein rely heavily on excellent make-up artists and mutant movies need solid mutant concepts that keep us from saying “hey that’s just like in that other movie with that guy in it that came out last year.”
The tour guide is charmingly funny. He has his little Geiger counter and puts on a nice show.
What do you mean the car won’t start?
Jonathan Sadowski (S%#! My Dad Says (2010-2011), Friday the 13th (2009)) is charmingly funny and he brings that to the screen here. Characters like his are fun to watch when the shit hits the fan. Makes me think of Grave Encounters (2011), where the jokester finds himself freaking out as he learns “it’s not a joke.” This flick also features Nathan Phillips (Wolf Creek, Snakes on a Plane), Ingrid Bolsø Berdal (The ABCs of Death, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters), Olivia Dudley (Chillerama, The Dictator), and Jesse McCartney (Greek).
Such a lively bunch. They have no idea…
Producer Oren Peli (Paranormal Activity director/producer; PA 2 and PA 3 producer) has a great mind for creepy suspense. I hope he does for Chernobyl Diaries what he did for Insidious (2010) and the PA series (2007-2011). I love slow-building, super-high tension creeper flicks like White Noise (2005, 2007 sequel). This trailer, however, is more suggestive of The Hills Have Eyes in an abandoned fallout city—Chernobyl. But are we going to see radiation-mutated Wrong Turn abominations or will The Crazies hunting these tourists down? Will we see any more than silhouettes of our perpetrators throughout the movie at all, or is this more about the social breakdown of our victems?
It says WHAT about mutant Chernobyl residents in the guide book!?!?!
Everyone knows that you never–NEVER–approach the weird little girl in the dark!
Director Bradley Parker is an effects guy-turned rookie director, which makes me think there will be less action than most hillbilly, inbred, anthropophagy-themed flicks. His effects background and Peli’s fear-instilling skills could make for one Hell of an eerie, jumpy mood!
Don’t miss this one. I have a good feeling that this apparently mundane-made-funny trailer represents a better movie than you might think.
RUMORMILL: There a lot coming our way to get excited about. 1) Paranormal Activity 4 is in the works. 2) Area 51 (2012) was written and directed by Oren Peli. He recruited only fledgling and television actors to fill his cast. I think they lend a special something to his understated characters in creepy settings. They’re also cheap and still trainable to his unique style. I sooo hope this rocks. 3) Insidious 2 (2013) is in development.
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The Swell Season
If you are a fan of The Swell Season and Once you will dig this documentary. The Swell Season focuses on the dissolving relationship between Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. The two met in 2005 during the filming of the film Once. The movie was a hit and the song Falling Slowly won an Oscar for best original song.
The music is beautiful and the break up bittersweet. You love seeing these two together but you understand why they broke up. Glen Hansard is 42 and Marketa Irglova is 24. Glen is a veteran of the road and Marketa is the quiet musician coming into her own.
The break up is inevitable but not sad. As people grow up they grow apart. The two were united by their amazing skill and love of music. However, Marketa was young when they met in 2006. It was easy to adopt Glen’s worldview until she started to develop her own. Nobody is wrong or right in this doc. There is no one directly responsible for the break up. They just grew apart. However, music still keeps them together.
The musical performances in this documentary are thrilling and will make you want to buy another copy of the Swell Season and Frames albums. I’ve heard the songs many times but seeing Glen and Marketa perform them is beautiful and timeless.
My favorite part of this documentary is when Glen deals with his mother and father. The scene where Glen talks about his dad’s final days helps explain his personality, love of alcohol and moody demeanor.
This black and white documentary is a must see for Swell Season fans.
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Big Budget Bonanaza: The Expendables Two
Release Date: August 17, 2012
More guns, biceps and zany Lundgren. The only thing The Expendables 2 will not have is another loud breathing Mickey Rourke monologue. I don’t really care what the plot of Expendables Two is about. If it features more of Dolph Lundgren’s Viking obsessed Gunnar Jensen I will be happy.
Sylvester Stallone stepped down from his directing duties and handed them off to Mr. Con Air (AKA Simon West). This has me worried because West’s resume includes When a Stranger Calls, Tomb Raider and Bad Movie Tuesday victim The Mechanic. These movies are not good. They are capably made but they lack humor, excitement and panache. West’s best film is Con Air. Air was a bombastic movie that convinced the world that Nic Cage could be a buffed up action star. Hopefully, with Stallone’s guiding hand the film we fall into place and provide action lovers with explosions aplenty.
Another problem is Chuck Norris. Norris would only do the film if it was PG-13. However, now it has gone back an R-rating. Will the R rated cut just be a few random decapitations and stab wounds? The tonal inconsistencies of revolving ratings is never something you should have to worry about while filming.
Sylvester Stallone has pulled off a wonderful career resurgence due to his refocus on characters and story. His career disappeared due to 90s excess. Will this film collapse under all the egos and expectations? I’m hoping this film won’t just be a collection of moments that allow the actors to showcase their abilities to blow stuff up.
The first Expendables was not a great film. However, I would argue that it was pure entertainment. Stallone wanted to make a movie that audiences would appreciate. There was no pretentiousness amidst the mayhem.
From what I’ve heard JCVD is one of the bad guys, Chuck Norris is one of the good guys and Dolph Lundgren is Swedish.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Darkest Hour
This movie should be called “Attractive actors look around for invisible aliens while inadvertently promoting Moscow tourism.”
There is a saying that less is more. The Darkest Hour tried to do that with its plot about invisible aliens mining resources for dinner. This worked in horror films such as Jaws, Alien, Tremors and Predator. The problem with this film is the aliens are invisible, and you never see them until they turn people into ash. Thus, they never feel threatening because they are gold globs of shiny stuff.
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Since the bad guys are gold globs the poor actors had to spend much of the movie looking intensely into the distance.
Next to Skyline I think this is the best “looking at stuff” movie. Do actors practice method looking? If I landed a role in the The Darkest Hour 2 I would practice looking off into the distance while doing blue steel. That way, I can look great and aloof at the same time. The best “looking at stuff” actor in this film is Emile Hirsch. I think he invented a new look. In this picture he is looking at people who are looking at stuff.
This movie is set up to show off the Russian sights. It is cool that Americans are now in Russia making movies. However, the movie consists of nothing more than actors looking scared. They also do everything they can to alert the aliens by yelling, shooting guns and knocking over every priceless vase imaginable. The poor decisions these attractive Americans make become increasingly frustrating because you’ve seen the actors in better movies. Emile Hirsch (Into the Wild), Max Minghella (Social Network) and Olivia Thirlby (Juno) are all smart actors who do dumb things while escaping Moscow.
You can’t blame them for being in this film. They signed up for an all expense paid trip to chill in Moscow. The language barrier must have been rough, and judging from this picture the director didn’t give them much direction. In my mind he is saying “look at that stereotypical vodka sign and grimace.”
The Darkest Hour is not a bad film. It is a perfect film to watch with friends. The movie is short, it moves along at a brisk pace, and you can have fun naming all the befuddled looks. What would you call this?
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I love playing soccer. I love watching soccer. I love listening to soccer podcasts (Men in Blazers) I love reading about soccer (How Soccer Explains the World, Soccernomics, The Beckham Experiment, Love and Blood and the World Cup). Lastly, I love soccer movies and documentaries.
Once in a Lifetime is a breezy documentary about a slice of 1970s sports history. The doc centers around the The New York Cosmos that played in the now defunct North American Soccer League. They became a phenomenon that sold out stadiums and captured America’s attention during the 70s and early 80s. The Cosmos were loaded with some of the best players in the world. Pele, Franz Beckenbauer and Giorgio Chinaglia dominated the league and accumulated many bawdy stories.
For instance, Tampa Bay’s blond bomber Rodney Marsh tells a story about how he had a limo loaded with Chivas and hookers waiting for Pele and Chinaglia in Tampa. New York lost the game the next day.
The doc was co-directed by John Dower and Paul Crowder. They load the film with contrasting interviews and wonderful stock footage. The biggest disappointment is that the directors couldn’t get Pele to contribute to the documentary. He would have added another personality to the eclectic mix. I love how the various egos guide you through the rise and fall of a genuine phenomenon that most people didn’t know existed
For those of you who complain that there is nothing on Netflix you need to check out some of the documentaries. 180 Degree South, Man on Wire, Senna and Step into Liquid are all beautiful docs that demand attention.
Watch this documentary. Learn something. Listen to Grantland’s Men in Blazers
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The Muppets
The Muppets is joy on top of joy. It moves along at a brisk pace and leaves a constant smile on your face. You can tell the people who made it had an obvious love for the Muppets. The film was directed and the songs were written by two Flight of the Conchords alumni. James Bobin and Bret McKenzie infuse the film with Kiwi joy. The film was written by super fans Jason Segel and Nicholas Stoller (Forgetting Sarah Marshall). These four people bring a wonderful comic and hipster approach to a classic.
The movie revolves around Gary (Jason Segel) and his brother Walter. One is a man the other is a muppet. Together with Gary’s girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams) they head to the Muppet theater for a fun vacation.
While visiting the old Muppet’s studio they realize the Muppets are not popular anymore and they’ve all gone their separate ways. However, an evil businessman plans to destroy the studio and build himself some condominiums.
My favorite line of the movie is when Cooper’s bear henchman finally realizes that are working for a villain. The bear asks “Are we working for the bad guy?”
The rest of the movie involves The Muppets trying to save their studio by putting on one last show to raise 10 million dollars Along the way they kidnap Jack Black, annoy Emily Blunt and find the support of TV producer Rashida Jones.
I do not remember any of the songs and the relationship between Jason Segal and Amy Adams is strangely underwritten. However, despite its shortcomings the movie tries to do something good. It revives the Muppets for the youngsters and the hipsters.
Watch The Muppets. Smile. Put chocolate on a moose.
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American Reunion
Nostalgia is a heck of a drug. I still have fond memories of a 17-year-old me watching the first American Pie while working at the local AMC movie theater. The characters were new and the pie wasn’t defiled yet. Blink-182 popped up occasionally and I had the movie poster on my wall. The second American Pie came out and Jason Biggs made me laugh with his impromptu trombone performance. American Wedding was fun and rocked the sweet Matt Nathansan cover song Laid.
The driving force behind American Reunion is nostalgia. The creators hoped people would devour this offering. The movie made $22 million the opening weekend but critics haven’t been kind 44% on Rotten Tomatoes. The pie hasn’t aged too well. It has become as predictable as Stifler stealing the show and Jason Biggs humping something. This botched humping will lead to another conversation with his Dad where they talk about uncomfortable stuff involving thumbs and sticky pages.
The jokes in the three prior films worked because the characters were punk teenagers, college students and recent post grads. Nowadays the jokes stem from their unhappiness with adulthood. They can no longer blame youthful exuberance. When teenagers act like teenagers you can roll with it (Wooderson is cool though). However, when a bunch of dudes do the same things over and over for 13 years it becomes blah.
This film reminded me of the David Cross show The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret. Todd is a pathological liar whom has always been close to failure and insanity. The reason the show works is because you realize how incredibly unlikable he is without Cross realizing it.
The reason I say nostalgia is a heck of a drug is because the characters in American Reunion do nothing but lie, cheat and fart and you almost let them get away with it. The reason this film exists is because people like these characters a lot. They survived the years and the writers thought they had a story to tell. The problem is that this movie has likable characters acting like Todd Margaret. Their plights are fostered by their arrested development and unwillingness to say “no.”
The freshest moments involve new developments like Thomas Ian Nicholas’s beard and Chris Klein’s dancing. My favorite moments involve seeing Stifler in the real world. Stifler is a force of nature who will be an eternal man-child whose powers will be used for good and evil.
The reason this film won’t be remembered as fondly as the others is because it sticks to the same recipe. If you are a diehard fan your sweet and boob teeth will be satisfied. However, If you dig too deep into the movie you will realize it is empty calories.
If you like the three American Pie movies watch this film. It doesn’t bring anything new to the table but it does provide a familar option to sink your teeth in to.
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April Anticipation” The Five-Year Engagement
The reason I want to see this movie can be summed up in three words “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” Jason Segel cowrote the script and director Nicolas Stoller is back for more relatable relationship trials and tribulations.
If you dislike this cast you might need to be put in the headlock of doom. The Five-Year Engagement feature some of my favorite actors. Jason Segal, Emily Blunt, Chris Pratt, Alison Brie and Rhys Ifans are all immensly likable and impossible to hate.
What can you expect from this film? Look forward to life lessons, comedy and leg injuries caused by arrows. The biggest problem this movie could encounter is over confidence. If Segel and crew think they are making a beautiful film it might collapse under the guise of über confidence. Forgetting Sarah Marshall was unexpected. Five-Year will have to wrestle with comparisons and high expectations.
I love the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It is a near perfect romantic comedy that brought the best out of every actor. This is not an easy trait considering the actors/actresses following movies such as Arthur, Friends With Benefits, The Sitter and You Again were soul hurting. These flicks could not replicate anywhere near the talent that FSM accomplished. Something special happened on FSM. I’d wager that if 5 Year can copy 70% of that it will be a beautiful date night.
This will be a good film or a great film. Either way I’m happy to find out.
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April Anticipation: The Raven
John Cusack playing Edgar Allen Poe. What more do you need? The most eclectic actor in the world playing a famous writer who has to play a game of cat and mouse with a serial killer.
I do not want to sound negative but I don’t think people will pay much attention to this film in the theaters. Here is a brilliant idea that would have rocked the world and box office. John Cusack gets sent back in time via Hot Tub and gets entangled in a murder mystery. He has to use his knowledge of Poe’s work to capture a serial killer. This is a brilliant idea because it allows John Cusack to use his black belt in karate and maybe provide a wonderful romantic comedy about him falling for Alice Eve.
In this picture he is introducing Eve to the world-famous Cusack neck squeeze
Cusack gets a free pass with me because he has been in some of the my favorite movies such as Gross Pointe Blank, High Fidelity, Say Anything, One Crazy Summer and Better off Dead. I’d watch him in anything. I also believe that Hot Tub Time Machine is an underrated laugh machine.
The Raven does boast an excellent cast. Brendan Gleeson, Luke Evans and Alice Eve are all gifted actors who will give their all to any material. The Raven will need it because it is already sitting at 23% on Rotten Tomatoes. The score does not scare me. I will watch this movie and appreciate every moment of the absurdity.
Movies, Films & Flix 