Big Budget Bonanaza: The Expendables Two
Release Date: August 17, 2012
More guns, biceps and zany Lundgren. The only thing The Expendables 2 will not have is another loud breathing Mickey Rourke monologue. I don’t really care what the plot of Expendables Two is about. If it features more of Dolph Lundgren’s Viking obsessed Gunnar Jensen I will be happy.
Sylvester Stallone stepped down from his directing duties and handed them off to Mr. Con Air (AKA Simon West). This has me worried because West’s resume includes When a Stranger Calls, Tomb Raider and Bad Movie Tuesday victim The Mechanic. These movies are not good. They are capably made but they lack humor, excitement and panache. West’s best film is Con Air. Air was a bombastic movie that convinced the world that Nic Cage could be a buffed up action star. Hopefully, with Stallone’s guiding hand the film we fall into place and provide action lovers with explosions aplenty.
Another problem is Chuck Norris. Norris would only do the film if it was PG-13. However, now it has gone back an R-rating. Will the R rated cut just be a few random decapitations and stab wounds? The tonal inconsistencies of revolving ratings is never something you should have to worry about while filming.
Sylvester Stallone has pulled off a wonderful career resurgence due to his refocus on characters and story. His career disappeared due to 90s excess. Will this film collapse under all the egos and expectations? I’m hoping this film won’t just be a collection of moments that allow the actors to showcase their abilities to blow stuff up.
The first Expendables was not a great film. However, I would argue that it was pure entertainment. Stallone wanted to make a movie that audiences would appreciate. There was no pretentiousness amidst the mayhem.
From what I’ve heard JCVD is one of the bad guys, Chuck Norris is one of the good guys and Dolph Lundgren is Swedish.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Darkest Hour
This movie should be called “Attractive actors look around for invisible aliens while inadvertently promoting Moscow tourism.”
There is a saying that less is more. The Darkest Hour tried to do that with its plot about invisible aliens mining resources for dinner. This worked in horror films such as Jaws, Alien, Tremors and Predator. The problem with this film is the aliens are invisible, and you never see them until they turn people into ash. Thus, they never feel threatening because they are gold globs of shiny stuff.
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Since the bad guys are gold globs the poor actors had to spend much of the movie looking intensely into the distance.
Next to Skyline I think this is the best “looking at stuff” movie. Do actors practice method looking? If I landed a role in the The Darkest Hour 2 I would practice looking off into the distance while doing blue steel. That way, I can look great and aloof at the same time. The best “looking at stuff” actor in this film is Emile Hirsch. I think he invented a new look. In this picture he is looking at people who are looking at stuff.
This movie is set up to show off the Russian sights. It is cool that Americans are now in Russia making movies. However, the movie consists of nothing more than actors looking scared. They also do everything they can to alert the aliens by yelling, shooting guns and knocking over every priceless vase imaginable. The poor decisions these attractive Americans make become increasingly frustrating because you’ve seen the actors in better movies. Emile Hirsch (Into the Wild), Max Minghella (Social Network) and Olivia Thirlby (Juno) are all smart actors who do dumb things while escaping Moscow.
You can’t blame them for being in this film. They signed up for an all expense paid trip to chill in Moscow. The language barrier must have been rough, and judging from this picture the director didn’t give them much direction. In my mind he is saying “look at that stereotypical vodka sign and grimace.”
The Darkest Hour is not a bad film. It is a perfect film to watch with friends. The movie is short, it moves along at a brisk pace, and you can have fun naming all the befuddled looks. What would you call this?
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I love playing soccer. I love watching soccer. I love listening to soccer podcasts (Men in Blazers) I love reading about soccer (How Soccer Explains the World, Soccernomics, The Beckham Experiment, Love and Blood and the World Cup). Lastly, I love soccer movies and documentaries.
Once in a Lifetime is a breezy documentary about a slice of 1970s sports history. The doc centers around the The New York Cosmos that played in the now defunct North American Soccer League. They became a phenomenon that sold out stadiums and captured America’s attention during the 70s and early 80s. The Cosmos were loaded with some of the best players in the world. Pele, Franz Beckenbauer and Giorgio Chinaglia dominated the league and accumulated many bawdy stories.
For instance, Tampa Bay’s blond bomber Rodney Marsh tells a story about how he had a limo loaded with Chivas and hookers waiting for Pele and Chinaglia in Tampa. New York lost the game the next day.
The doc was co-directed by John Dower and Paul Crowder. They load the film with contrasting interviews and wonderful stock footage. The biggest disappointment is that the directors couldn’t get Pele to contribute to the documentary. He would have added another personality to the eclectic mix. I love how the various egos guide you through the rise and fall of a genuine phenomenon that most people didn’t know existed
For those of you who complain that there is nothing on Netflix you need to check out some of the documentaries. 180 Degree South, Man on Wire, Senna and Step into Liquid are all beautiful docs that demand attention.
Watch this documentary. Learn something. Listen to Grantland’s Men in Blazers
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The Muppets
The Muppets is joy on top of joy. It moves along at a brisk pace and leaves a constant smile on your face. You can tell the people who made it had an obvious love for the Muppets. The film was directed and the songs were written by two Flight of the Conchords alumni. James Bobin and Bret McKenzie infuse the film with Kiwi joy. The film was written by super fans Jason Segel and Nicholas Stoller (Forgetting Sarah Marshall). These four people bring a wonderful comic and hipster approach to a classic.
The movie revolves around Gary (Jason Segel) and his brother Walter. One is a man the other is a muppet. Together with Gary’s girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams) they head to the Muppet theater for a fun vacation.
While visiting the old Muppet’s studio they realize the Muppets are not popular anymore and they’ve all gone their separate ways. However, an evil businessman plans to destroy the studio and build himself some condominiums.
My favorite line of the movie is when Cooper’s bear henchman finally realizes that are working for a villain. The bear asks “Are we working for the bad guy?”
The rest of the movie involves The Muppets trying to save their studio by putting on one last show to raise 10 million dollars Along the way they kidnap Jack Black, annoy Emily Blunt and find the support of TV producer Rashida Jones.
I do not remember any of the songs and the relationship between Jason Segal and Amy Adams is strangely underwritten. However, despite its shortcomings the movie tries to do something good. It revives the Muppets for the youngsters and the hipsters.
Watch The Muppets. Smile. Put chocolate on a moose.
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American Reunion
Nostalgia is a heck of a drug. I still have fond memories of a 17-year-old me watching the first American Pie while working at the local AMC movie theater. The characters were new and the pie wasn’t defiled yet. Blink-182 popped up occasionally and I had the movie poster on my wall. The second American Pie came out and Jason Biggs made me laugh with his impromptu trombone performance. American Wedding was fun and rocked the sweet Matt Nathansan cover song Laid.
The driving force behind American Reunion is nostalgia. The creators hoped people would devour this offering. The movie made $22 million the opening weekend but critics haven’t been kind 44% on Rotten Tomatoes. The pie hasn’t aged too well. It has become as predictable as Stifler stealing the show and Jason Biggs humping something. This botched humping will lead to another conversation with his Dad where they talk about uncomfortable stuff involving thumbs and sticky pages.
The jokes in the three prior films worked because the characters were punk teenagers, college students and recent post grads. Nowadays the jokes stem from their unhappiness with adulthood. They can no longer blame youthful exuberance. When teenagers act like teenagers you can roll with it (Wooderson is cool though). However, when a bunch of dudes do the same things over and over for 13 years it becomes blah.
This film reminded me of the David Cross show The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret. Todd is a pathological liar whom has always been close to failure and insanity. The reason the show works is because you realize how incredibly unlikable he is without Cross realizing it.
The reason I say nostalgia is a heck of a drug is because the characters in American Reunion do nothing but lie, cheat and fart and you almost let them get away with it. The reason this film exists is because people like these characters a lot. They survived the years and the writers thought they had a story to tell. The problem is that this movie has likable characters acting like Todd Margaret. Their plights are fostered by their arrested development and unwillingness to say “no.”
The freshest moments involve new developments like Thomas Ian Nicholas’s beard and Chris Klein’s dancing. My favorite moments involve seeing Stifler in the real world. Stifler is a force of nature who will be an eternal man-child whose powers will be used for good and evil.
The reason this film won’t be remembered as fondly as the others is because it sticks to the same recipe. If you are a diehard fan your sweet and boob teeth will be satisfied. However, If you dig too deep into the movie you will realize it is empty calories.
If you like the three American Pie movies watch this film. It doesn’t bring anything new to the table but it does provide a familar option to sink your teeth in to.
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April Anticipation” The Five-Year Engagement
The reason I want to see this movie can be summed up in three words “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” Jason Segel cowrote the script and director Nicolas Stoller is back for more relatable relationship trials and tribulations.
If you dislike this cast you might need to be put in the headlock of doom. The Five-Year Engagement feature some of my favorite actors. Jason Segal, Emily Blunt, Chris Pratt, Alison Brie and Rhys Ifans are all immensly likable and impossible to hate.
What can you expect from this film? Look forward to life lessons, comedy and leg injuries caused by arrows. The biggest problem this movie could encounter is over confidence. If Segel and crew think they are making a beautiful film it might collapse under the guise of über confidence. Forgetting Sarah Marshall was unexpected. Five-Year will have to wrestle with comparisons and high expectations.
I love the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It is a near perfect romantic comedy that brought the best out of every actor. This is not an easy trait considering the actors/actresses following movies such as Arthur, Friends With Benefits, The Sitter and You Again were soul hurting. These flicks could not replicate anywhere near the talent that FSM accomplished. Something special happened on FSM. I’d wager that if 5 Year can copy 70% of that it will be a beautiful date night.
This will be a good film or a great film. Either way I’m happy to find out.
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April Anticipation: The Raven
John Cusack playing Edgar Allen Poe. What more do you need? The most eclectic actor in the world playing a famous writer who has to play a game of cat and mouse with a serial killer.
I do not want to sound negative but I don’t think people will pay much attention to this film in the theaters. Here is a brilliant idea that would have rocked the world and box office. John Cusack gets sent back in time via Hot Tub and gets entangled in a murder mystery. He has to use his knowledge of Poe’s work to capture a serial killer. This is a brilliant idea because it allows John Cusack to use his black belt in karate and maybe provide a wonderful romantic comedy about him falling for Alice Eve.
In this picture he is introducing Eve to the world-famous Cusack neck squeeze
Cusack gets a free pass with me because he has been in some of the my favorite movies such as Gross Pointe Blank, High Fidelity, Say Anything, One Crazy Summer and Better off Dead. I’d watch him in anything. I also believe that Hot Tub Time Machine is an underrated laugh machine.
The Raven does boast an excellent cast. Brendan Gleeson, Luke Evans and Alice Eve are all gifted actors who will give their all to any material. The Raven will need it because it is already sitting at 23% on Rotten Tomatoes. The score does not scare me. I will watch this movie and appreciate every moment of the absurdity.
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April Anticipation: Lockout
Hello all. Mark here
Lockout (April 20)
Lockout is totally free of pretension (I’m guessing). What you see is what you get (another guess). This will be a ludicrous action film that ups the ante to ridiculous heights (AKA Space Prison).
A bulked up Guy Pearce has to infiltrate a maximum security space prison to rescue the president’s daughter played by Maggie Grace.
What could be better? In a world of overcomplicated plots and realistic good guys it is nice to have a movie featuring total insanity. Lockout looks like an old school B movie with an A-list actor. The movie is guaranteed fun destruction due to its producer Luc Besson (Professional, Taken, Fifth Element).
I love any film involving a badass loose cannon who has to battle incredibly evil guys. The preview sets up Pearce as a man named Snow who lives life on the edge because the view is great. He has to go to space because of a pesky false espionage conviction looming over him. The movie boasts an extravagantly long zero gravity fight and wisecracks aplenty.
Audiences should always appreciate action films that only want to entertain. Lockout looks like a film that will make good on every promise the preview makes (I hope).
Watch this movie. Enjoy this movie. Don’t be pretentious and analyze this movie.
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I’m going out on a limb when I say that Scorpion King 3 is better than Scorpion King 2. It should be noted that I haven’t watched SK2 but I am normally accurate on my bad movie assumptions. Also, I think this is the first sequel to a prequel of a spin-off off a sequel.
Picking this film for a Bad Movie Tuesday is a bit unfair because the movie never had a chance of being good. I expected three things to happen.
1. Billy Zane would overact while sitting in a chair.
2. The dialogue would be written by a blindfolded camel walking on a large keyboard.
3. The plot would revolve around one guy trying to kill another guy.
All three of my assumptions were correct. Zane ripped off a guy’s ear, the script reeked of camel hoof and a guy tried to kill another guy. The only time the film caught my attention was when I heard lines like “where in Odin’s codpiece have you been?” The camel writing this film must have had a sense of humor because you cannot say “Odin’s codpiece” and be serious. There are many lines like this in SK3.
While watching this cinematic treat I started to notice a strange trend. There are many insulting references to animals.
Did you bathe in camel dung this morning?
Are you courting me with those love taps you great lover of sheep?
Your breath smells like rotten yak carcus.
Great gods! What do they feed you cats over here?
One gorilla is better than fifty chimps.
I will take out your eyes and feed them to the ravens.
It interests me as much as camel dung in the desert
What in the name of the demon serpent is going on?
Aside from all the animal insults the movie speeds along at a brisk pace and features a sassy performance from Billy Zane. In Billy’s last two bad movies he stayed stationary in chairs. He NEVER got up from his seat. So, it was nice to see that he can still walk and pulls ears. I would love to see a flow chart of Billy Zane’s career because with movies like Titanic, The Phantom and Journey to Promethea the flow would be funky.
The only reason you should watch this film is if you are writing a paper on the usage of animal insults in direct to DVD movies.
In the direct to DVD world this movie is comparable to the big screen classic Hard Rain. Both of these films were unnecessary. However, I watched them both.
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April Anticipation: Cabin in the Woods
Cabin in the Woods (April 13) has been sitting on the MGM shelf for three years. This delay might have helped the film. Chris Hemsworth is a star and Joss Whedon is on The Avengers Express headed straight towards Money Land.
I know nothing about this film. I watched the trailer a while back and decided to turn it off due to spoilers. The buzz surrounding this film is incredibly positive (95% Rotten Tomatoes) and the word on the street is that is spins the horror genre upside down. The R rating is proof that the movie won’t back and intends to deliver the thrills. I don’t want to spoil it by reading a review or watching a three-minute trailer.
There is nothing better in the cinema world than watching a great film you know nothing about. I watched movies like Bubba Ho-Tep, Elephant, Take Shelter, Murderball and District 9 without any spoilers or pesky previews. What followed were fresh experiences that were not spoiled by too much information.
I do love these posters that were released. They give away nothing and show this movie won’t stick to the horror blueprint. Also, check out the original release dates.
Movies, Films & Flix 