A Beginner’s Guide to Tokyo Shock Cinema
Hello all. Mark here. Fellow moviesfilmsandflix contributor John Leavengood has finally unleashed his intro to Tokyo Shock Cinema. Look at it like “an entire genre done by Cliff’s Notes.” Read it, love it, Rent it if you can stomach it.
A Beginner’s Guide to Tokyo Shock [or Tokyo Gore Shock]
By John Leavengood
I was at a horror convention recently and was shocked at how so few of the hocked-DVD vendors had heard of this unique flavor of horror-action. As such, I felt the need to inform you all of these intentionally disturbing-to-most movies.
This piece is meant to introduce virgin readers to Tokyo Gore Shock, or Tokyo Shock. This emerging subgenre really seized my attention when I was blessed by Tokyo Gore Police (2009).
I first saw the slower-paced, more plotty Machine Girl (2008), which I loved.
It’s just that Tokyo Gore Police had a much happier marriage between apparent budget, weirdness, and consistent stimulation by shit I had never seen before. Other titles representing the subgenre are Meatball Machine, Samurai Princess, Robogeisha, Geisha Assassin, Vampire Girl versus Frankenstein Girl, Helldriver, Mutant Girl Squad, and many others. The writing, direction and special effects are largely done by the same gang of people. What do they do together? Essentially they take the gore tactics of Dead Alive, usually swap zombies for ninjas, mutants or cyborgs, and add goofy fight choreography. Often it appears that they nightmared up a large to-do list of interesting ways to kill or to die and compacted them all into a screenplay.
Unlike most movies produced with lower expectations than summer blockbusters, the previews for these movies are very straightforward. I have loved every trailer, and subsequently every movie (at least, of those listed in this article). If you saw and enjoyed any one of these movies, then see ALL of the others. These filmmakers give us viewers exactly what we want. At the same time, you will know right away (from the trailer) whether or not this style of movie is for you.
Tokyo Gore Police received an average rating of 4/5 stars (44 reviews) on Amazon.com. Some of the 3’s read as if they viewer loved the movie, but was just a tough critic when it came to doling out ratings. That said, don’t trust these ratings to compare one such movie to another unless you’ve taken the time to read them. Of course, such movies should probably not be compared to The Remains of the Day or My Left Foot. The movie stars Eihi Shiina. I first saw this actress in Audition, a more typical non-supernatural Japanese horror movie. She plays Ruka, a member of a privatized police force charged with handling some intriguingly protean mutants called “engineers”. Naturally, the uniform for this task is that of a Japanese school girl. These engineers are genetically modified and mechanized weaponry forms whenever and where ever they incur tissue trauma. These ostentatiously rubber-prop-grafted cyborgs offer a strong nod to Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989). The mutant F/X were ridiculous…ly awesome. Seeing each new installment of these villains made my dark soul smile. Also, inserted into the movie are “commercials” featuring twisted things like suicide accessories and recreational remote murder via videogame console.
Where character and plot development are found wanting, guts and action more than compensate. More for the gore than the action, I find myself comparing these movies to action anime known for arterial sprays. The gore also serves as a fine device to distract viewers from the lower budgets.
The low budget is obvious at first, then forgotten once the action sequences begin and your romance with the silliness has engaged. These movies offer troths of entrails. At times, it feels like off-camera filmmakers are simply jettisoning rubber intestines and gallons of Hi-C in front of the camera with reckless abandon. What can I say? It completes me.
These movies feature many effects and props which would typically only be discussed around a table of drunk or high college kids. Some examples include genitalia modified into projectile weapons, breasts which spew acid or have teeth or are modified into power drills, chainsaws arms, disembodied hands which are shot from a gun to punch or strangle their targets, snail-centaur women, and sex-slave gimps with machine guns or sword blades for arms AND legs. Some of the scenes feel a bit like a hybridization between a BDSM sex show and a freak sideshow.
The fight choreography may not measure well compared to Hong Kong action cinema. Depending on the movie, serviceable to deplorable representations of actual combat may be observed. However, because the characters and their weapons are often interesting or comical, so is the choreography. Do I think that some chick with her lower body modified into a giant crocodile mouth can use this mutation effectively in a fight? Absolutely not! Does that suggest that I enjoyed seeing her try to use this mutation as a weapon any less. Absolutely not! If you have a bra with drills on the breast cups, you’re damned right I expect them to be pressed upon someone to their perverse detriment. Not a typical kung fu move, but effective when it comes to entertaining me. A common phrase in this family of movies, but expect to see fights with elements that you “have never seen before”. Tokyo Gore Police enjoyed the talents of action director Tak Sakaguchi, who worked on Versus (2000) and Shinobi (2005) (neither movie is related to the Gore Shock genus, but both were VERY good…see them).
These movies, more flicks really, are just plain cool. If you can stomach them, chances are quite likely that you’ll love them—all of them. Even the more serious ones are over-the-top and, in my opinion, it is NEVER to their detriment. They are extreme and quite explicit in general.
I say this about a lot of movies, but one should probably not be introduced to this type of movie without alcohol (but only if you’re 21 or older, kids!). I’d say more than just a buzz before it starts and safely outside the ballpark of forgetfulness by the end. These movies aim to disturb and often include very bizarre and/or violent sexual scenes, violence to and/or caused by explicit body parts which may or may not be weaponized, torture, satirical suicide, and violence against women and children. I read a review on Amazon.com (0/5 stars) in which the unhappy customer suggested that “you would have to be very sick person to get enjoyment out of watching this film. This film is more disturbing than any film I’ve ever seen in my life.” To that I have two things to say. ONE, nothing shocks me anymore. If nothing shocked you after years of horror fanfare, this should be fine. I playfully call myself sick, but I still haven’t stored any human organs in my freezer nor have I worn someone else’s skin as a suit. I just laugh (with delight) at the Saw and Cube series. This genre was simply the next step. If you laugh at the same things I do, then take the same step. TWO, definitely not the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life—I’ve seen Salo, The Human Centipede, Necromantik, Red Room, and I Spit on Your Grave. Perhaps all more disturbing, yet not that disturbing…to me.
Reviews for these movies on Amazon.com typically warn that these movies are “not for everyone”. I couldn’t agree more. While I strongly advocate that if you like one of them, you’ll probably like all of them, I must say that many will like none of them. These are for lovers of “gore porn”.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A warning to consumers who try my favorite flavor and start buying my brand…Tokyo Gore Police has been released twice in America. Once with no featurettes, and again with featurettes. Machine Girl has now been released three times following the same pattern, with more material in each subsequent release. This sales equation will likely become a trend with these Japan-to-America genre releases.
Bad Movie Tuesday: Dark Storm
Your favorite bull riding, Kevin Costner suing (for oil drilling technology) reality show contestant with a HM (Hannah Montana..He regrets it) tattoo is back on Bad Movie Tuesday. Stephen Baldwin has been a staple of my Bad Movie Tuesday posts. Sharks in Venice and Earthstorm are movies that excel in badness. They are movies where Baldwin uses a jogging double or stands in one spot and drunkenly delivers his lines to no one in particular….while wearing an ill-fitting hat.
This past Weekend my girlfriend and fellow co-writer John Leavengood sat down and had a Bad Movie Saturday. We watched The Roommate (John will review) and Dark Storm. It was a great night headlined by Stephen Baldwin (SB).
https://moviesfilmsandflix.wordpress.com/2010/10/05/bad-movie-tuesday/
https://moviesfilmsandflix.wordpress.com/2011/01/18/bad-movie-tuesday-11/
My girlfriend also designed a poster for his next movie (in a perfect world)
In Dolph Lundgren’s bad movies he does everything to show off his immense abilities (front kicks, singing, drumming, Swedishness). SB is the opposite. In this film he speaks entirely in a monotone voice and is constantly wearing a lab coat. In this movie he seems shorter than ever before, more paunchy and while making love to his wife he is the one who doesn’t take his shirt off. This movie just makes him more of a bad movie enigma.
When I watched the Dark Storm preview I noticed that SB somehow found the ability to shoot Energy Orbs out of his hands. This instantly piqued my curiosity. Watching an overweight Baldwin stand in one spot and pretend to channel energy was too great to pass up. If the train in Unstoppable was a force because of its weight and speed then SB is an unmovable force who never moves.
The movie centers around a guy who wants to control the world via Dark Matter Storms. He makes one mistake though. He rigs the Ionizer (In Baldwin terms) and BAM Baldwin gets blasted. Baldwin gets super natural powers that include making light orbs, the ability to jog ten feet and an uncanny way of delivering bad dialogue.
Sidenote: Maybe the Dark Matter would have helped SB on the 2007 reality show “Celebrity bull riding.” On the show SB broke his clavicle and three ribs.
I actually felt bad for all the actors around Baldwin. They seem to be really trying. I get the feeling that the filmmakers were happy that Baldwin showed up on set. There is actually a scene where Baldwin smiles and lets out a small guffaw. I assumed that the night before he drank 11 bottles of Gilby’s Vodka and not 47. Also, this is the film where Baldwin did not call anything a “thingy.” He stuck to the script.
In the end, Baldwin saves Seattle and possibly the world. Not bad for a guy who never moves.
Priest
MY CALL: This graphic novel-adapted flick was entertaining. Not good. Maybe not too bad, depending on what you’re looking for. A lot of the “bad” of the movie was met with an “oh, come on” smile rather than adversity. I won’t recommend it, but I didn’t leave the theater wishing I had my money back either…but close. [C] IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: The Blade movies and Equilibrium. Both deliver the package intended (but misfired) by this movie.
For the trailer, click here: https://moviesfilmsandflix.wordpress.com/2011/04/27/may-movie-preview-part-2/
Hey. Remember when Paul Bettany packed on 20 pounds of muscle (from his A Knight’s Tale days) for the poorly executed movie Legion? Well, same director (Scott Charles Stewart), same general theme, different story, slightly more forgivable outcome. Paul Bettany plays a priest. But this priest is nothing like we’re accustomed to…unless you saw Dracula II: Ascension or Dracula III: Legacy where Jason Scott Lee filled a similar niche. This jedi-jumping priest, named “Priest”, was trained by the church to do nothing other than kill vampires.
This theocratic megacity, surrounded by arid wasteland, smacked hard of Judge Dredd. (FYI: Karl Urban will be playing Judge Dredd in the upcoming Dredd.) The wasteland has some small old west-ish towns which offered a spoonful of Mad Max. The emotionless priest-warriors, the stolid city council, and the advanced technology of the city were taken straight from Equilibrium. The priests have some cool vamp-slaying toys…Blade. The priests hate familiars…Blade II. The priests wear trench coats…Blade: Trinity. The vampires moved and looked like the demons in Constantine. The vampires have “hives” and a queen…Aliens. Oh, and they develop in cocoons…really? A subtle Van Helsing rip? With all this ammo, there is really no need to explain anything about the plot.
The cast felt weakly utilized. Cam Gigandet, who was enjoyable as a meant-to-be-hated character in Pandorum and The Experiment, played a marshal who annoyed both Priest and me. Karl Urban (The Bourne Supremacy, Star Trek) played a displaced character whose nature would only seem practical to a preteen comic book superfan. If you had never seen any of his other work, you’d think Christopher Plummer was a talentless actor. Lastly, Maggie Q was way under-utilized. She had the coolest combat moment in the movie—and it was just that: a moment—but she should have had more. And, while we’re on the action scenes, the camera style and film quality made it difficult to follow most of the action. As a result, the martial arts-savvy priests’ skills were poorly showcased (with little exception). One Dragonball-cracked-out action scene actually made me angry. Doubtless to say, you’ll know it when you see it.
I’ll try to end on a mostly positive note since this likely reads as if I didn’t enjoy this movie when, really, I admittedly did. Despite the weak presentation of the execution of action, the gore, dismemberment, and movement (of the more-beast-than-man vampires) were well-done. The CGI-painted backgrounds, crypty vampire hives and the cityscape were deeply detailed.
The ending was blatantly designed to leave room open for a sequel, but you’ll probably have to flip through a comic book to find out what happens next.
Bad Movie Tuesday: Sharktopus
Sharktopus
I can’t believe this is the first Roger Corman film I’m covering on Bad Movie Tuesday. Roger Corman is one of the godfathers of bad cinema. His face would be right alongside Ed Wood’s on the B-Movie Mount Rushmore…..It wouldn’t be made out of rock though…..the directors would be too cheap. More like Mt. Styrofoam.
All the great directors analyze and agonize over every shot. David Fincher did 99 takes of The Social Network’s opening scene. Stanley Kubrick would take weeks on one scene. However, Roger Corman once bragged that he could film an entire movie in three days.
Roger Corman believes in four things
1. Low budgets
2. Bikinis
3. Bad Acting
4. Bikinis
His movies haven’t changed much in the last 50 years.
These aspects are all encapsulated in the posters above. A Bikinied babe getting eaten by some sort of mutated creature. These movies always look dirt cheap and the acting is more cardboard than cardboard cut outs.
Nothing much changes in Sharktopus. The film centers around a military weapon run amuck on land, air and sea. The Sharktopus is like all the other B-movie monsters that have escaped from military labs. Much like the Super Anaconda, Mega Piranha and the Dinocroc the Sharktopus kills random women in bikinis. Land does not stop this creature and it has a thing for bungee jumpers.
A Corman film has never looked great. He wrote a book called “How I made one hundred films and never lost a dime.” I’m pretty certain he never spent anything he didn’t need on a film. Also, I’m pretty certain that he literally never lost a dime.
Roger Corman launched the careers of William Shatner, Robert DeNiro, Jack Nicholson, Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda. He also tutored and trained James Avatar Cameron, Ron Howard, Martin Scorsese, Francis Ford Coppola, Jonathan Demme and Peter Sayles. They all got a great crash course in low-budget filming.
The problem with this film is that it is so tongue in cheekthat it isn’t as fun as it could have been. They know they are making a film called Sharktopus and wink at the camera a lot. Great bad movie such as Plan 9 From Outer Space, Troll 2, The Room and Sharks in Venice take themselves seriously. Ed Wood loved his films. Tommy Wiseau is an enigma of dumb. The Italian director still thinks that Troll 2 is great.
Sharktopus is cheeky (unintentional pun) fun. However, it is not so unintentionally bad it is great. However, you have to respect a man who has been making bad films for fifty years and has no intention of making a good one. If anything watch this movie to witness the grand master of bad cinema.
Wes Anderson Mix Tape
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Hello all. Mark here. Wes Anderson is my favorite director. His movies never get old. One thing I particulary love about Wes Anderson’s movies are the soundtracks. I’ve bought them all and Constantly listen to them. My cousin Jonny Moore sent me a text one day and told me he wrote a post about an all Anderson mix tape. I loved the idea and had to post it. Enjoy!
By: Jonny Moore
I’m ashamed to say that I read the reviews on NME.com. They’re not in depth enough and in my opinion, the reviews aren’t very good. But the chance of a new song I might like is why I read.
Two articles spun my interest on a Wes Anderson mixtape. The first being, Sufjan Stevens allegedly suffered a breakdown while watching Fantastic Mr. Fox. He described it as feeling like he was being possessed. Later he commented that he thinks Fantastic Mr. Fox is a “wonderful film”. The second being, the new Kurt Vile single was described as music that “Wes Anderson would Masturbate to” combining “Niko and Elliot Smith” (The first case of a review that was too in-depth. I listed the song below, you decide).
I looked at my iPod and put together a quick list of songs that might be on Wes’ playlist. My list was only 4 songs. So the search was on. I had to consider a number of things when selecting a song.
1. How indie was a song?
2. How popular was it? I considered using Dan Auerbach’s “Going Home” but a recent Budweiser commercial about a soldier coming home from a tour stole my thunder and all the exclusivity that my brother Jeremy loves (I still love it).
3. How old was the song? The whole playlist couldn’t entirely be the Stones, Niko and the Kinks. So recent music had to be considered.
4. Could I picture the song used in a slow mo sequence. One of the many things I love about Wes Anderson films is the music played in conjunction with the slow mo walking (See: “By the Way of the Green Line Bus” and “Rushmore Revenge” below).
If a song met any one or more of these criteria, it was considered. If it hit all four (See “Furr”) then it was pure gold. Here are a few of my favorite scenes from Anderson Films:
Rushmore Revenge
The Life Aquatic Gunfight
By Way of the Green Line Bus
Royal Tenenbaums “Needle in the Hay”
Here is my playlist.
1. “West Coast” – Coconut Records
Jason Swartzman’s band = super indie.
2. “Babies Arms” – Kurt Vile 3. “I Want You” – Bob Dylan 4. “Furr” – Blitzen Trapper 5. “Little Satchel” – Sam Amidon http://www.myspace.com/samamidon/music/songs/little-satchel-40259319 6. “Lost Cause” – Beck 7. “Oh Bessie” – The Teeth 8. “Still New” – Smith Westerns 9. “Titus Andronicus Forever”- Titus Andronicus 10. “Instant Karma (We All Shine On)”- John Lennon 11. “Ashamed” – Deer tick 12. “First Cut is the Deepest” – Cat Stevens |
Fireball 2009
Fireball (2009)
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: What’s worse than an “F”? Is something worse? My rating of this movie is twenty kicks to the nuts. How about that?
WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Whatever it takes, man. If this is your only option, you must be in Hell. If you wanted a good sports flick then try Any Given Sunday or Varsity Blues. For Thai martial arts try Chocolate or Ong-Bak (both of which I reviewed: https://moviesfilmsandflix.wordpress.com/category/john-leavengood/)
IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: NOTHING! Nothing ever again. That would be an appropriate punishment for liking this movie.
This movie title gave me hope. “Fireball”. I imagined Shaolin Soccer with a flaming basketball and Dragonball-done-well wushu wizardry. It was none of that. The movie is about a fighting-fusion sports team.
Before their first game, this team of thrown-together Street Hoops-loving brawlers is nervous because they’ve never played together (as a team) before. But what do they have to fear? I’ll explain…Welcome to your first game of Fireball, where the teams are composed of Spidey-sense quick Thai dudes with a mean hook shot and a meaner right hook. The rules? Pretty simple: don’t die. I feel this movie would have done just fine if the rules were exactly like basketball, except that you could beat each other to a pulp with no fear of a foul. When the clock hits zero, the highest score would win, right? That’s not the case here. During a criminal coaches’ union meeting it is revealed that “the rules have changed since last year.” The new rules stipulate that whichever team has the last man standing wins regardless of the score. So why even keep score!?! Why have a ball? It’s Rollerball all over again.
It seems that the team’s worries are irrelevant. If they can kick ass, they’ll do fine. Despite these rather clear rules the teams, for reasons beyond my comprehension, actually try to play against each other. They mix elbows, punches and kicks in with dribbling, lay-ups and the like. Much like watching Dennis Rodman in a game with blind officials, this really should have been cool. Here, it’s not. There is no action moment worth mentioning
Basketball plus martial arts should equal AWESOME. But woe is the viewer who shared my misconception. Making up for none of this disaster, the movie also boasts poor camera work and mediocre film quality. As the camera shifts in attempts to follow the action the scene is blurred. The translators’ interpretation of what passes for slang nowadays was also disappointing. Worse yet, the combat choreography was God-awful! With the high combat quality of so many foreign and domestic releases, I feel that the action scenes in this movie are an affront to action-moviegoers of any age or nation.
After suffering through movies like this I just want to blacklist the director or choreographer. Fireball demonstrates a complete lack of innovation. If you enjoy martial arts movies, do NOT see this. If you have an appreciation for martial arts and your friends say they loved this, disown them. Watching this made me miss The Last Airbender (I NEVER thought I’d say that).
I’ll submit that there was one fun, marginally acceptably done scene in the whole movie when the members of the team have an interesting practice. They all start on the roof of a building. The first one to shoot a basket (in the court at ground level) wins. Go! It was like an obstacle course chase scene. Sadly, I was so overwhelmed with disappointment by the time I got to this scene that I don’t think I even cracked a smile in response.
The movie also had many elements which we expect from sports movies…
1) Dude throws a game for money because he’s in financial trouble and has a baby on the way.
2) Game in the rain.
3) Loss of a player to injury (= death).
4) A fight with the coach results in a key player quitting.
5) There’s a wildcard new guy brought to the team.
None of these elements performed their intended function as they did so well in Any Given Sunday or Varsity Blues…which is to make me care.
The Last Exorcism 2010
Hello all. Mark Here. I agree with John on his review. The main character is solid…the others around him not so much. I get the ending but it still lost my attention quicker then I lose my keys. Watch the movie Insidious instead. Thanks John!
The Last Exorcism (2010)
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: This movie is to exorcism movies what American Psycho is to slasher flicks—a well-done satire. Not as well-done as American Psycho, not by a long shot. But it’s a good satire. While scare-seekers will be disappointed, well-seasoned horror-goers should find this change of pace to be a fun ride. [B+]
IF YOU LIKE THIS, THEN WATCH: Duh…The Exorcist (1973).
FOR THE SUPERFANS: Does Patrick Fabian look familiar to you? Do you just not know what movie you saw him in? It’s because you probably never actually saw him in a movie. He has, however, done tons of small roles on major TV shows.
Patrick Fabian is immediately likeable as a sensationalistic minister (Cotton) in this documentary-style horror. He is an exorcist who openly calls exorcism a scam and does not even believe in demonic possession, maybe not even in God. His son has a Novocain-y, cottonball-muffled voice which adds to the endearing set up that serves its purpose well as I begin to care about the protagonist and his family.
To prove his point before going legit Cotton decides to have his camera crew follow him on one last exorcism job, which he picks randomly from an abundance of “save us” mail. His pick: Ivanwood, Texas. During the drive to the site of this last hoax he shares his observation that this poor, largely illiterate area is a breeding ground for the demons and superstition that fill the pockets of would-be exorcists. He is amused when he has the opportunity to support his point simply by chatting with some locals. It’s a bit mean to small-towners, but cutely done. Our exorcist is very charismatic and the movie has a foundation of humorous charm that keeps me grinning.
As we are introduced to our victem, a young girl named Nell from a shallow breeding pool, we are bombarded by nauseating innocence. Cotton asks to see the young girl’s room and he proceeds to “rig” it (unbeknownst to the victim and her family) like he’s a producer for an episode of Ghost Hunters. After performing a mock exorcism on the girl—with Cotton’s amusing behind-the-scenes commentary—he pockets what hard-earned cash her father managed to rustle up and leaves.
From this point on, the movie takes a more serious turn. Cue weird! Weird. But still not creepy or scary. Despite the non-horrifying nature of this satirical horror, I’m gonna’ say see it anyway. The first half was REALLY well done in terms of developing a likeable antihero and the documentary within the movie was well-orchestrated. These two elements could not have worked without one another and their product was something noteworthy. The second half of the movie experimented with some things which, I think, blew up in the director’s face. But hey, perfect movies are rare.
Bad Movie Tuesday: The Lost Boys: The Thirst
Lost Boys: The Thirst
The sequel to the direct to DVD sequel of The Lost Boys starring Corey Feldman as a guy named Froggy who hunts vampires.
This tongue in cheek little movie centers around a vampire DJ who throws massive raves around the world and wants to build an army of vampires. What I don’t get is that the guy is a successful musician. What is the allure of traveling to small cities to turn misguided teens into lounging vampires who bolster the leather trade?
There is a scene in the film where the vampires are flying around in their private jet when I began to wonder how these vamps make enough money to afford this luxury. Do they work?
What happens if you turn into a vampire? You’d have to quit your job….The question is how do they make money? This makes me question why so many people love vampires. Also, in every vampire movie humans want to become vampires. Why?
If you think about Dracula (the oldest of all vampires…I think) he lived in a castle by himself and taunted villagers. Is that anyway to live? He didn’t even have a pulsating beat to get his boogey on. My theory is that he attacked the villagers so he could have the cows to themselves…thus leather pants were invented.
Why does every Vampire enjoy raves? As soon as they become vampires do they have the sudden urge to dance? Do they order the clothes online or do they go to stores at night?…..even then they can’t see themselves in the outfits.
Check out these pics below. Even the vampires who hunt vampires accessorize. I never once aside from Twilight have seen a vampire work. They know enough to look hip but can’t handle the stress of stocking shelves at a Wal-Mart.
The Thirst movie had two things going for it.
1. A vampire monologues for a very long time and then asks “who do you think I am?”
Corey Feldman replies “ugly.”
2. This movie did feature a cool character. A reality star who made himself famous by wrestling bears. Now, he wants to fight some “skinny goth vampires.” This guy reminds me of me. Not only did I manage to put two indie kids in one headlock I also proclaimed after a long night in Korea that “I could punch a ghost in the face.” I liked the guy but he meets a vampire and gets his head punched off…Luckily I won’t meet the same fate because I choose not to enter sewers that are potentially full of blood suckers.
The Girl Who Played With Fire
Hello all. Mark here. I asked my girlfriend to write about the greatest thing to come out of Sweden since my ancestors decided to immigrate to America. Megan impressively found a way to include Dolph Lundgren and boxing in this review of The Girl Who Played With Fire. Enjoy! Read more…
Bad Movie Tuesday: 2010 Moby Dick
2010: Moby Dick
There is a scene in 2010: Moby Dick where the titular whale eats a helicopter. I began to wonder how it could digest the whole thing. That must be tons of metal, fuel and wiring. Wouldn’t the whale get a cramp? He couldn’t be swimming around after that. I hate to be vulgar but how does he pass it?
This film focuses on a current day Ahab. Ahab got his leg eaten by Moby Dick and has a dark resentment……..However, after seeing the whale eat an entire helicopter I’m thinking that Ahab got off lucky. Actually, he is incredibly fortunate that he only got his leg eaten. Imagine the stories you could tell at bars. Nobody would have a better scar story.
Sample Conversation:
Random Dude: Check out this scar. I got this while on a safari in Africa. A honey badger attacked me.
Female bar patron: Wow! nobody can top that story.
Ahab: Well! A whale the size of a football field ate my leg and now I hunt it 24/7 in a submarine I made.
Female Bar Patron: Torpedoes away!
I do have to say that this is the best looking film The Asylum has ever made. That isn’t saying much considering the other films are Megashark vs. Giant Octopus and they are responsible for this scene.
The movie still has its faults. There is a scene where Ahab is making a speech and it cuts to all the clean-shaven crew…all is good until it cuts to a guy with long hair and a chin strap beard. Then, Ahab is running around with the cheesiest looking rocket launcher ever. The thing flops up and down while he is running. The kicker is that he has to carry an ugly gun…then the harpoon from that gun proves to be his undoing.
I never thought I would say this but I’m growing tired of large aquatic creatures running amuck. I loved the megashark catching a plane out of the air but it isn’t thrilling when a whale does a belly flop on a boat. Also, the whale is a big time jerk. He destroys a random sub then he sees there is still a survivor so he breaks through an iceberg and drags the man back into the water. You can’t support that kind of behavior from any type of angry creatures.
At the end they try to create a message. the message is that the whale hasn’t been hunting them. they’ve been hunting it. Tell that to the cruise ship Moby destroyed or the aforementioned sailboat that met Moby’s belly. There is even a scene where Moby goes onto land and actively hunts down the sailors.
What I love is that there is a movie company that consistently produces junk. In their next film they have Thor running through the streets battling Richard Greico while shooting an uzi. Gotta love it.






















