Bad Movie Tuesday: Beowulf (1999)
WOOOOO WEEEEEE this film was a stinker. I’ve come to the conclusion that Hollywood and Independent filmmakers cannot make a good film about Beowulf. Robert Zemekis gave it a try..Ouch. Gerard Butler fought a troll…Double Ouch. However, these films are not nearly as bad as the 1999 film Beowulf starring Mr. Stare of Doom..Christopher Lambert.
This film starts off with possibly the most ill-conceived action scene in the history of cinema. hundreds of men kidnap one woman….They are about to kill her when Christopher Lambert rides up on his horse. The hundreds of men turn around and Lambert gives them the look of doom (Crazy eye+icy stare+no blinking=look of doom). Eventually the hundreds of men attack one by one while Lambert pulls out LITERALLY hundreds of arrows, spears, ropes, knives, and other weaponry thingies (Technical term) How could he possibly fit all of the weapons into his clothes? It must take hours upon hours. After he loads all the weapons I’d imagine it would be nearly impossible to move. Lambert moves with gusto though.
The soldiers attack one by one while Lambert gazes deeply and his wig wearing stuntman flips and spin kicks the way into a truce. This fight scene almost takes place in slow motion. I wonder if the choreographer ever got another job? After a LONG TIME Lambert rescues the woman but then she runs away and a random solider hits her with an axe.
Lambert then enters a steam punk looking castle and has to do battle with a very blurry demon creature. All the while never sharing the screen with any other character while exchanging dialogue.
The fights are odd and involve lots of unnecessary flipping. Rhona Mitra walks around in next to nothing everybody else is dressed uber odd. I still can’t figure out why zippers and velcro are so popular in this make-believe land.
Another thing I loved is that the ADR is so evident you’d wonder why they recorded dialogue.
This movie goes by quickly. It is so bad it is enjoyable. I left the experience not hating the world or the people who made it. In the end that is all you can ask out of a bad film.
Watch it on Netflix. bask in the badness. leave a comment.
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John’s Horror Corner: Sorority Row
Sorority Row (2009)
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: They should rename this I Know What You Did Last 80’s Slasher Flick. Really, this had all of the murderous humor, fun kills, dumb kills, dumb characters and T’n’A of the classic 80’s ilk. Movies like this are so bad, yet so very much a pleasure for me to watch. The highlight is Carrie Fisher playing the Theta Pi house mother, looking as rough and weather-worn as Rocky’s trainer. [B- for horror-hounds/D for the remainder of the free world]
IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: I Know What You Did Last Summer, Scream, Prom Night
DRINKING MOVIE STATUS: These movies were designed to enjoy with a drink…oh, she screamed! Drink again…Dude, he’s dead. Drink…she said “I’ll be right back”, get ready to drink…
What’s scarier? Carrie Fisher drinking alone in the dark OR Sorority Row? I vote for the former. This semi-formulaic slasher flick remake kicks off with a truly horrifying premise: some girls help ruphy one of their sorority sister friends because it would be funny. Any parents out there? Does this not sound HILARIOUS? Then she seizes, foams at the mouth and dies. Now the guy they helped out with the ruphies thinks he killed her. So funny, right?
Just kidding! It was all just a joke. Seriously. But what would be even funnier is if they push this “gag” further with a crazy-speedy car ride to the ER, accidently miss their turn for the hospital, have everyone make this stressed out frat boy think that now she’s really totally dead, and get him to agree that they need to ditch the body! Classic! That way no one will get into trouble. It’s a good thing that this movie caters to a 15-25 alcohol-friendly and risky behavior demographic, right? It’s more of a how-to-tutorial than a movie at this point.
As this joke is coming to an end the frat boy stabs her in the chest with a tire iron…yes—“stabs” with a tire iron. Why? Not a clue, bro. Now that funny-ha-ha bitch is really dead. This is where the humor finally hits me. Now they really need to figure out what to do with the body. To finalize the decision of this head-scratcher, the girls turn to the reliable life-lessonless tenets of their Theta Pi sorority house. They put it to a girl-vote after some “she wouldn’t want us to get into trouble over a stupid joke” closing arguments. So they dropped her down a 100’ mine shaft…<<THUD>>…double dead.
Eight months later, upon their graduation, they start getting picked off by “someone”. There are lots of theories including the chick that got stabbed with a tire iron and who base jumped down a rocky mine shaft is hunting them down one by one. Bit of a stretch, no? The writers tried and partially delivered on giving us some clever kills. I adored it when one chick felt safe investigating something while armed with a flare gun. But the grins turn to a bit of dismay as they reveal the true nature of the killer. Brace yourself for the worst twist ever. Not even a twist, really, so much as the writers “pulling a fast one”. But the movie still offered up a lot of laughs. If you go to horror conventions (or wish you did) then you should probably see this one.
Now for the real scare…while this movie only grossed $28 million, the budget was only $12 million. The sequel is slated for October 28, this year (source: http://www.horrorsociety.com/2011/03/04/sorority-row-2-graduating-this-october/). I know it’s sad, but I’ll be there.
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John’s DVD Round Up
DVD Round-Up
By John Leavengood
Hall Pass offers a slapstick take on the classic married male’s delusions of grandeur: that if he wasn’t married he could get sooo much ass. This movie is no 40-Year Old Virgin, Old School or Wedding Crashers, which I’m sure was the director’s goal, but it is a lot of fun anyway. My favorite moment would most likely be the least favorite moment of any committed woman; it’s the slander heard round the world… “Doesn’t it ever bother you that all of our wives’ dreams come true but ours’ don’t?”
Watch this one when you’re at odds with your girlfriend. You’ll both value each other more afterwards.
Unthinkable indeed. I would have never thought I’d see Michael Sheen play a bad guy since playing Lucian in the Underworld movies. I never thought I’d see him get electrocuted. I never thought I’d see Samuel L. Jackson torture anyone except for when he plays a Jedi. The cheap jab aside, this is another “good mediocre” movie. It’s no shock it wasn’t big, but it’s certainly worth seeing.
This movie tests our moral limits, situationally desensitizes us of them, and ultimately outright emends them as we are presented with this very real, very grave dilemma: how far will we go to protect the masses?
Dude, any movie that features a Red Scorpion movie poster in three different scenes should be seen just for that. Why are they in the movie? Because this is the true story about an enterprising DC lobbyist (Kevin Spacey) who, in addition to getting into a lot of trouble, produced some Dolph Lundgren movies. Barry Pepper is okay. Jon Lovitz gets stabbed in the face with a pen by an angry Greek hooligan…see it if you need a cheap laugh and you’ve seen everything else.
Mark reviewed this one (https://moviesfilmsandflix.wordpress.com/2010/10/08/let-me-in-vs-let-the-right-one-in/), but I wanted to add one wee tidbit. Did anyone else think this would have been better if the vampire girl was played by Saoirse Ronan (from Hanna, https://moviesfilmsandflix.wordpress.com/2011/04/18/hanna/)? I mean, this chick should get every fairy tale and supernatural role from now on. If they re-made Legend, she’d be perfect for one of the fairies.
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Conviction
Conviction (2010)
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: The emotional struggle depicted by Swank and Rockwell is palpable. We find ourselves questioning whether “it’s all worth it” or not as we see their characters clinging desperately to a hope against. Don’t watch this if you’ve been having a tough time yourself. [B]
This movie opens without pulling any punches. A murder scene, prison letters illustrating poor grammar, some tattoos outside the scope of a typical wall flash at your local parlor, and Sam Rockwell (playing Kenny Waters) made to look villainous and ever-so-approachable at the same time with a sincere and human smile surrounded by a Luciferan goatee and slicked back hair. Cut to a scene in a law school classroom and some family photos and we understand all we need.
Hilary Swank plays Kenny’s sister, Betty Anne. Her teen children diligently care for this studiously overworked mother, who tries to return this attention in kind by asking about specific homework assignments. But her attention is clearly biased to her law studies, the texts of which she wakes up facing at her desk beside a bowl of cereal thoughtfully placed by a caring son. We quickly understand the division of her priorities and the heavy-heartedness with which she tries to mitigate this challenge.
This true story of “The Commonwealth of Massachusetts vs. Kenneth Waters” has several ways of tugging at our heartstrings with life-changing events and vicious plot turns. While they never feel forced on us too hard, just know that this movie’s feel good moments are very brief. The addition of a supportive Minnie Driver, a broken-down zombie-mouthed Juliette Lewis, and a stolid Melissa Leo add what they can to a movie that is clearly driven by the emotional tug-of-war between a tortured man and his over-sacrificing savior-sister.
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Mark’s Desert Island Films: A Fantastic Oasis of Cinema
Hello all, Mark here. Being stuck on an island has long been a staple of television and cinema. Lost, Cast Away, Gilligan’s Island, Lord of the Flies and The Blue Lagoon all used the solitary island tropes to full effect. However, you can’t help but wonder whether life would have been easier if they could have popped in a copy of Anchorman and forgot about the trials, tribulations and certain death of island life. I understand the impossible logistics but I am choosing to ignore them. If everything worked out perfectly and you could bring ten films to an island what would you bring?
I compiled a list of ten films that are not my necessarily my favorite films. They are movies that I can watch over and Enjoy the list and let me know what you would take to a desert island.
1. Hot Fuzz
This movie gets better and better every time you watch it. I will have a lot of free time on the island so I will need to have a movie that always feels fresh. Also, I can practice shooting two bananas in the air whilst yelling An added bonus is the blu ray has five commentaries, multiple documentaries and bueno bloopers.
2. Dazed and Confused
When I first discovered this flick on VHS I watched it every day for several weeks. It has a relaxed vibe, fantastic music (Foghat!!) and many interesting characters (Wooderson!). An added bonus is that it has an amazing soundtrack.
3. The Life Aquatic
I needed a Bill Murray film. I needed a Wes Anderson film. I needed Portuguese covers of David Bowie. So, I chose The Life Aquatic. It is a fantastically layered film with a great soundtrack.
Also, I needed a movie with a shark in it. Jaws is my favorite film but I think I would watch The Life Aquatic more.
4. Evolution
I’ve watched Evolution more than any other film. During my sophomore year of college it was on HBO everyday and instead of doing homework I’d marvel at Seann William Scott’s singing. I love the dialogue between David Duchovny and Orlando Jones and this film always makes me laugh.
5. Invincible
If a substitute teacher/bartender can make it onto the Philadelphia Eagles then a former sub/bouncer can survive on a lonely desert island. Invincible inspired me to make a move to Korea and get on with my life. Watching it on the island could motivate to build huts, juggle coconuts and do seventy pull ups on a palm tree. The music is really good as well.
6. Anchorman
They filmed so much there are two movies. I will have four hours of Burgundy making me laugh. Also, If Ron Burgundy is able to adapt to the new world I can do it to. There are so many funny one liners I’d need years to memorize them all.
7. Jumper
Picking Jumper as one of my desert island films is bonkers. The reason I picked this film is because when I moved to Korea I got terribly lost in my new city. I was freezing, confused and somehow managed to buy like 17 pastries from a vendor when I only wanted one. THEN IT HAPPENED!!! I found the downtown area and I saw a movie theater. Needing a break from the cold I watched the film Jumper and ate another seven pastries. The film will be key when adapting to a new environment.
8. The Truman Show
I’m figuring this movie could help keep me sane (or incredibly paranoid) . I would just pretend it was a TV show and that I was being filmed. I bet Tom Hanks wouldn’t have adopted a ball as his best friend if he knew people were watching. Also, the movie is incredibly engrossing so for two hours I could forget about Lilliputians harassing me.
9. The 13th Warrior
One thing that is crucial to every island is Vikings. The 13th Warrior is a great film involving a non-viking traveling far distances to fight with vikings. They cross vast distances to do battle with thousands of angry warriors and somehow manage to survive. At the very least it would be motivation to not be such a wimp. Also, they did some gnarly defenses around their city. It could help when I build my structure.
10. Hot Shots Part Deux
Hot Shots Part Deux never gets old. Watching Charlie Sheen decide whether he should use gummy bears or sprinkles in battle is a solid gold moment of comedy. Charlie Sheen also improvises well in this film (Chicken arrow, throw bullets, choke snake) so I can learn how to adapt in the worst situations an island can throw at me.
Honorable mentions
This is Spinal Tap, Predator, Hot Rod, Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl, The Sure Thing, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, The Princess Bride, Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
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The Green Lantern starring Jack Black
With the Martin Campbell directed Green Lantern releasing nation wide this week, I couldn’t help but remember the comedic version set up at Warner Brothers a few years back.
http://www.mypdfscripts.com/unproduced/green-lantern-robert-smigel-draft
Written by Robert Smigel of SNL, the 132 page draft consisted of Jud Plato, a box furniture store employee, stumbling upon the ring and becoming a Guardian of the Galaxy.
Sadly, despite Robert’s best effort to blend comedy and action the story never becomes much of anything other than a horrible character ruining any would be entertaining action sequences.
Whether you’re a fan of Jack Black or not you best be thanking your lucky stars that he was smart enough to not go through with the project.
( ) wait what
(xxx) not my cup of tea
( ) merits a look
( ) thank you
( ) pure genius
To all you Green Lantern fans and cinema geeks who are hesitant about Campbell’s film, I urge you to read Smigel’s Draft because after it there is no where else to go but up.
Yours Truly
Risky
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Letters to Juliet
Letters to Juliet
- Amanda Seyfried was great on Big Love, Veronica Mars and in Mean Girls. She has a cute/bubbly personality that gives this movie a certain brightness.
- The Italian Countryside– Oh. My. Goodness. I’m booking my plane ticket right now…ok, no I’m not…or am I? The cities, the rolling hills, the vineyards, the entire Italian countryside is so beautiful in this movie that it almost looks like a like it couldn’t possible exist in reality.
- The side characters– As our main characters traipse across Italy they encounter some pretty interesting people. It was their often funny encounters with these characters that really sold me on the movie.
- The back story- Juliet’s secretaries, women who answer letters left at a wall in Verona, Italy, really exist. Known as the Juliet Club, they reply to letters just like in the movie and set up events in honor of Shakespeare’s famous star-crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet. I like watching a movie where I know that however implausible the story really is, that one day, somehow, maybe, it could happen.
- Taylor Swift is on the soundtrack…how could you say ‘No’ to that?! I mean really.
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Cinema Verite (2011)
Cinema Verite (2011)
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: What happens when the perfect couple and their children are monitored hour by hour for twelve weeks in a Jane Goodall-esque social experiment? We see them at their seemingly perfect best and their worst, and see just how often each side shows its face. This revealing true story about “An American Family” tests us as we crave more of the very drama that leads us to shovel sympathy at its troubled players. [B+]
When we see a Christmas card depicting a family portrait festooned with smiles illuminating the American Dream, we rarely ponder what goes on when they’re not posing. What happens in that house on a day to day basis when things do not fall into place as they seem to have immaculately done so for their family photos? Craig Gilbert (James Gandolfini) posited a much darker hypothesis than most. This very “real” depiction of social Americana was captured in this HBO film…that their smiles are ephemeral and their happiness may be just as fleeting as the flash of the camera that captured the facade.
As Gilbert, Gandolfini tests our trust as he double-plays both confidante and silver-tongued devil in his dealings with the parents, particularly the mother (Diane Lane). Gandolfini emcees the plot intrigue well, but Lane is the real star of this gripping film. As the victem in their marriage, she serially outshines Tim Robbins (playing her husband), who does his job and does it well, but simply lacks the scenes and lines to win our favor or sympathy. He simply plays a character that was not designed to win our support.
Set in the early 70’s, before reality television had become the over-scripted, sensationalized farce we know today, this true story reveals the process behind the Gilbert’s PBS documentary miniseries “An American Family”. This was a controversial 10-hour saga that followed the relationship between the parents and children, and readily transformed into an exposé on the problems between the parents. It may not sound as interesting as The Situation’s latest shenanigans or Snooki getting arrested on the Jersey Shore, but this American family received no paycheck to provide incentive to sharing their dirty laundry or hamming up drama for ratings or promise of another season.
This film feels real. Lane and Gandolfini stand at the helm and I found myself rooting for both of them to get what they (their characters) wanted. Lane steals the show but Gandolfini really shows us what he can do. See this
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The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest
The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest
There is a lot going on in this movie…2.5 hours, PSSSHHH, you’ll never even notice it. Everything really comes together from the first two stories. You know all of the characters, you know all of the seedy behind the scenes drama going on in Sweden, now it is time for the fit to hit the shan.
Crazy old men killing people in hospitals, death threats, government sting operations, Swedish motorcycle gangs bent on revenge, a very large blonde man who feels no pain on the loose, Lisbeth sporting one serious mo-hawk, a psychiatrist with a whole lot of issues, a really neat warehouse cat-and-mouse scene, and plot twists and turns galore! Now tell me that doesn’t sound like an exciting movie? Pair that with the beautiful production quality that is characteristic of this series and you will be completely spellbound.
This series was described as “utterly addicting” by the New York Times. Watch all three movies and revel in the pretentiousness that comes from the watching 7.5 hours of great cinema in Swedish. And who knows, if we are lucky, maybe a ghost writer will complete the 10 novel series that Larsson had envisioned and delight us with 7 more movies 🙂
PS. The trailer for the American version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (starring Rooney Mara and Daniel Craig) is out, watch it below if you haven’t seen it yet. I’m still skeptical but I’ll definitely be seeing it when it comes out December 2011.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Dracula 2000
Dracula 2000
Ernest sums it all up in Ernest Goes to Camp.
If you see a family of badgers never give them the stink eye. The crooks and Van Helsing in Dracula 2000 could have used this advice.
If you ever come across a ridiculously guarded coffin adorned with crosses inside a house owned by a man named Van Helsing do not steal it. If you do steal it do not bleed all over it and take off the crosses keeping the body in its place. When the vampire is released do not go one by one into the cargo hold to be devoured by the creature.
This all could have been avoided had Van Helsing killed Dracula when he had the chance. Instead, he keeps him alive in order to inject his blood via leeches. Coincidently, a crook manages to get one of the leeches on his eye. Which I think would be really hard to do. I’d like to think Van Helsing kept Dracula around to figure out his miraculously quaffed hair.
The most important thing not to do is carry around hair gel. The only thing Dracula craves more than blood is hair styling products. The reason I say this is because Gerard Butler struts around New Orleans with hair so wavy surfers couldn’t ride it. When you become a vampire does your hair become instantly perfect? I figured this because Butler’s hair flows majestically in the wind with nary any upkeep.
A common theme in most bad movies is stupidity. Piranhas and sharks are mutated. Terrorists mess with Dolph Lundgren or Stephen Baldwin. I’m thinking this movie takes the cake though. This movie is the Cake Boss of dumb.
In the end unintelligence abounds. Badgers are metaphorically “stink eyed” and I have another great Bad Movie Tuesday.
Movies, Films & Flix 