Sucker Punch
Hello all. Mark here
Sucker Punch is like a juggler who has dropped all three balls. 99% of the time he wouldn’t have dropped the ball……This time he did. Read John’s review. I agree
Sucker Punch
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: This movie is clearly a reference to what you feel like after watching this movie. It’s essentially an example of what should have been epic schizophrenic ingenuity. However, what I watched felt like being spoon-fed heaping doses of terrible. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: There are some good examples of schizophrenic cunning out there. Try Cemetery Man, Pulp Fiction, The Shining or Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. How’s that for a genre mix?
I simply don’t understand how one movie could have so many things that delight me and, contrarily, so many things that make me wish the moviemakers would all get bitten by an ebola-ridden gibbon monkey and die! What gives?
This generally awful flick follows the demented escape-fantasy hallucinations of a girl in a girls’ psychiatric facility. That’s the plot. I seriously nailed it in one sentence. While there is a story to her fragmented daydreams, it has no more direction than a slapped together game of Dungeons & Dragons…a mysterious dude gives her some instructions on things she needs to find, he throws in some clues along the way, and they have to kill a bunch of weird shit to get to these quest-completing items. It’s really no more complicated than a game of capture the flag—but with guns and swords.
I feel like the writers had a really easy time with this screenplay. Not a single piece of dialogue was ever important. It probably simply addressed how this chick gets thrown into the girls’ psych ward, she meets other girls, a series of badass special effects-driven dream scenes, and the movie ends with whatever lame scene is cheapest when our budget runs dry. While filming, the actresses just adlibbed everything.
Here’s a list of awesome shit that was in this movie. If you saw this list, you’d probably just assume this movie would be amazing, guaranteed…and you’d be wrong.
1) A fight between a chick with a katana and three 20’ tall shogun-samurai dudes, and one of them has a giant Gatling gun! How would that not make any movie awesome, right?
2) An army of zombies. Zombies will never be out of style.
3) A fire-breathing dragon.
4) An oversized mech-warrior robot thing.
5) A group of (mostly) cute chicks wearing cute Halloween outfits while fighting all these things. It’s like they crossed a strip club with ComicCon.
With these elements and a competent CGI-effects team, how on Earth did they manage to screw this up?
Share this post:
Bad Movie Tuesday: Season of the Witch
Demons, witches, barbarians, wolves, Ron Perlman and Nicolas Cage. All the makings of a fantastic bad movie. In my head I imagined over the top acting, bad CGI and blood and guts flying in every direction. Just picture Nicolas Cage covered in blood battling a CGI demon while laughing radically the whole time.
Much to my dismay this did not happen. The movie is rated PG-13 and Nicolas Cage resorted back to his bored acting.
It is one of Cinema’s seven great mysteries as to why Cage under acts when surrounded by crazy incidents. Here are the seven mysteries.
1. Nic Cage underacting
2. Why Kurt Russel isn’t a superstar
3. Why hollywood cannot make a good film featuring Aliens fighting Predators
4. Paul Blart: Mall cop
5. The remake of Psycho
6. Point Break not winning an Oscar
7. Point Break not winning 14 more Oscars
If you haven’t read my review of the Nic Cage film Next I will give you some examples of bored acting.
https://moviesfilmsandflix.com/2011/03/22/bad-movie-tuesday-20/
Fighting Demonic Spirits: Bored
Wearing stylish duds during the plague ridden dark ages: Bored
Arbitrarily pointing at a map: Bored
Looking at beautiful vistas: Bored
Imprisoned: Bored
The movie centers around Nic Cage and Ron Perlman escorting a witch to a castle in which they will destroy her. The two talk boringly while one by one the knights traveling with them die. Wolves make an appearance and they have to cross the most inconvenient bridge in the history of cinema. The movie moves along ploddingly until the ending where Cage battles CGI right out of the 1990s.
This movie has no freakouts, Cage does not wear a bear suit and punch a woman…… And he never loses his sh*%.
Do not watch this flick. Watch the Wicker Man remake instead.
Share this post:
Megan’s DVD Round Up
Hello all. Mark here. I asked my girlfriend Megan to write-up a quick DVD round-up for these two surprise hit films. They are both enjoyable for completely different reasons. One is about a Lawyer the other is about a really angry demon. I didn’t expect much from either of these but they managed to be very pleasant surprises. Read the round-up. Rent the DVDs. Leave a comment.
Insidious
Reasons you will rent this movie tonight: (1) It’s creepy (and movies don’t usually get to me) in all the right ways (2) It’s original, it is refreshing to have a horror movie sans torture and the typical horror gimmicks (3) Angus Sampson and Leigh Whannell, kind of ghostbuster sidekicks who provide hilarity at just the right moments (4) The characters make smart decisions! (5) All of this was done on a budget of $1.5million, including the paychecks for Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne. You will definitely get your money’s worth with this movie!
Lincoln Lawyer
Matthew McConaughey has definitely found his niche with this film (maybe a franchise?). This novel based, murder mystery/courtroom thriller is evidence that under that serious tan and southern charm there is a convincing actor who can stand up with the likes of Marissa Tomei, Ryan Phillippe, John Leguizamo and William H. Macy. The story keeps you hooked until the end and all of the interesting/crazy/funny side characters that you meet along the way, really fill out this movie. This is definitely one to buy and watch on rainy afternoons. Also, be sure to check out the soundtrack with it’s funky/pop/upbeat/urban style jams!
Share this post:
Bad Movie Tuesday: Mega Python Vs. Gatoroid
One thing I never understand about these movies (Mega Piranha, Sharktopus, Mega Honey Badger vs. Mutated Sloth) is why the main characters are never put in jail for the rest of their lives. They mutate creatures and those creatures go on to kill hundreds of people. They are responsible for the slaughter of animals and bad actors.
This movie is based on funky logic. However, this is the first film ever by the Asylum production crew that features an actual technical fact.
One bad acting cop tells another bad acting hunter (in a V neck) that when they cut off a pythons head they need to scramble its brains. This is an actual fact that PETA and the law supports. My jaw dropped when I heard this. Things soon returned to normal and dumbness reigned supreme.
The plot revolves around people doing dumb things with animals. The beginning features Tiffany (the world’s worst environmentalist) rescuing a python from a lab and releasing it into the wild. The problem is that pythons are not native to the Everglades so she is technically letting an invasive species lose to wreak havoc to a native population.
The pythons get bigger and bigger and start to eat alligators. This makes Deborah Gibson (the world’s worst park ranger) angry so she feeds super steroids to the gators (gatoroid YEESH) The gators get bigger and faster than you can say “horrible CGI” the creatures are battling it out.
The big selling point of this film is the fight that Gibson and Tiffany engage in. The two middle-aged women throw each other over tables and smear each other with cake. I understand the camp aspects but the fight depressed me. I felt bad for the ladies. Watch for yourself.
Eventually, the creatures make it Miami. One large python bites a blimp and it flies off in the air with the python attached. Another Snake swallows a train. Eventually, they are all lead back to the Everglades via pheromones. They are all blown up and Debbie Gibson and Tiffany are eaten by the large creatures.
When viewing this don’t attempt to focus all your attention on it. Watch it while vacuuming or working on something productive.
Share this post:
John’s Horror Corner: Alien vs. Ninja
Hello all, Mark here. I still don’t understand how you can mess up a movie featuring ninjas fighting aliens. It seems like the easiest thing to do….However, based on John’s review I guess we will have to wait a little while longer for the world to create a decent creature battling creature feature.
MY CALL: Although I didn’t hate it, this movie is simply not as cool as a lot of its cousins. For a Tokyo Shocker, I’ll give this a C-.
WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: If you like your ninjas more supernatural than Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and way more serious than Alien vs Ninja, then try Shinobi. Shinobi is serious, has fantasy-driven ninjas with cool supernatural powers, and good martial arts coupled with solid action-camera work (i.e., you can see what they’re doing). Ninja Assassin and Ninja (the Scott Adkins one) are not funny (at least, not intentionally) and American-made, but put little effort on innovative choreography. IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Meatball Machine, Tokyo Gore Police, Robo-Geisha, pretty much anything else of such ilk.
Early on this movie separates itself from its subgenre kin by demonstrating more innovative combat choreography than the earlier Tokyo Gore Police era flicks (e.g., Meatball Machine, Machine Girl). Some of these adroit maneuvers are cleverly executed, although clearly lacking the precision of modern Hong Kong cinema. Of course, the combat has plenty of corny to go around as well.
Much as in Predator a team of highly trained personnel encounter a youngster scared mute in the forest and then encounter an alien. The first battle is like a cross between Predator, Tremors and Aliens—you’d probably have to see it to understand this reference combo. The gore is ample, funny, well-delivered, and up to snuff with the higher budgeted Tokyo Shock flicks. One dude explodes, legs are stripped to the bone, someone gets torn in half, and there’s even an “inner ass” punch.
The aliens seem very familiar, modeled largely after the Alien alien, but with what appears to be a neck vagina from which Species-esque tendrils emerge. There are holes on its head which house some alien larvae which Wrath of Khan their way into their victim’s head. These larvae then control you from within your brain (as in Meatball Machine). In summary, nothing is unique about this alien except for the particular combination of movies which influenced its design.
For some reason the combat becomes cornier and less deft when the ninjas face off against the aliens more directly. The exploitative nature gets kicked up a notch as well in the form of suggestive choreography and an apparent sexual assault attempt by one of the aliens. On the cornier side, the alien throws in some Street Fighter II Blanka rolling assaults and later sprouts Jeepers Creepers wings out of nowhere. The final fight is the most silly but least skillful. It was okay. I’d try other Tokyo Shock titles first.
For more advice on this odd subgenre (including some viewing suggestions) check out this link: https://moviesfilmsandflix.wordpress.com/2011/06/01/a-beginners-guide-to-tokyo-shock-cinema/
Share this post:
John’s Horror Corner: Of Unknown Origin (1983)
John’s Horror Corner: Of Unknown Origin (1983)
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: Man meets rat. Man tries to kill rat. Rat tries to kill man? Game on! Weller shows us that an overly simplistic B-horror story can be executed well with the right leading man and a good sense of humor from the prop team. [B; it made me laugh a lot] IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Arguably the best rat-themed movie EVER: Food of the Gods 2: Gnaw. If you enjoy Peter Weller, a king of the 80s-90s era horror and horrorish sci-fi, then see Leviathan, Screamers, and maybe even Robocop. Weller was also amazing in Shadow Hours, which was way-weird but far from horror or sci-fi.
We’ll start with minute one of this movie. Introducing Shannon Tweed in her first ever theatrical release in, you guessed it, a breastly shower scene. There are so few horror movies that don’t have shower scenes. But even fewer of them skip the foreplay and give you your gratuitous nudity before the counter on your DVD player hits 00:00:59.
Now that we’ve addressed his trophy wife, let’s paint a portrait of our protagonist. Peter Weller plays a proud father and husband who is an all-round nice guy. He says good morning to the newspaper stand lady every morning on his walk to his cushy corporate job. He has a stunning home which was apparently professionally decorated with all accoutrements indicating affluence. He’s also up for a big promotion and, if he gets it, he won’t have to struggle paying the mortgage on his gorgeous, recently renovated home. You know, white people problems.
So this movie is essentially about a rat that drives a man insane while his wife and child are out of town. It starts out with the use of almost humorous ominous shadows. When they start showing parts of the rat it is always wet and somewhat slimy looking as if it just took a bath in raw sewage. The rat-cam shots also offer a charming “rodent’s eye-view” of things.
After calling in a work order on some burst pipes, Weller’s eccentric plumber has no difficulty diagnosing that a rat was the cause. Weller sets out some traps which, when he checks them, look like a cartoon surfboard after a shark attack. This is no ordinary rat, but a super-rat! Weller accordingly ups his game from the categorical, antiquated mouse trap to devices which more closely resemble mini-bear traps and tiny Spanish Inquisition purification devices. He also gets into some clearly obsessive, unhealthy research, during which he finds some encyclopedia identifying that the scientific name for rats means “of unknown origin”. Is this true? Don’t know. Don’t care. It works for me. Weller also finds some of the most vilifying articles and photos of “rat attacks” that one could imagine. With his newfound off-putting trivia Weller horrifies an entire dinner party ranting about disease.
Back to the battle on the home front, Weller’s traps have been failing. He moves on to poison, which he purchases from another oddly fanatical anti-rat enthusiast. Then it’s back to the plumber for an awkward strategy session. Both this vendor and his plumber, whom you would no sooner trust to watch your kids than a homeless crackhead, appear multiple times attesting to how evil, methodical and ferocious rats are.
This rat accomplishes a few unreasonable acts of sabotage. I won’t explain how, but the rat actually prevents an exterminator from doing his job and even jeopardizes one of Weller’s big accounts at work. Of course, it didn’t do this before cutting the phone lines and the electricity. Christ, it’s like an Al-Queda rat with an MBA. Rather than simply calling the exterminator back, Weller using some sound problem-solving skills and recruits a stray cat. If it works in cartoons…right? This does not work out well for the cat. The rat even traps Weller with a rat trap.
Oh, did I forget to mention that there are numerous battle scenes between Weller and this wily rodent? The rat-attack scenes are precious. Imagine a rabid terrier assaulting a mailman—just tearing at his ankles…or in Gremlins when they were leaping onto people’s backs. That’s about the flavor of it. The ingenuity of some of the attacks are naturally ridiculous and always result the in destruction of a lot of expensive things. Realizing that it’s time to step up his game again Weller goes all Gangs of New York and engineers a needlessly elaborate weapon. He even as a brief training montage which includes some Rocky-esque sweaty ab work.
In the end, Weller does emerge victorious—I guess. He smashes the shit out of the rat while it’s hiding in a doll house which unsubtly looks exactly like Weller’s house. I’ll bet the director was just so proud of this clever symbolism: that he had to destroy his house to destroy the rat. How deep.
Was this plot reasonable?
Absolutely not!
Did Weller handle this situation the right way?
Absolutely not!
Did I like the movie any less for these faults?
Absolutely not!
Here’s the trailer. I suggest that you don’t watch it. It’s not a good representation of the quality of this movie, which any horror fan should add to their creature movie repertoire.
Share this post:
John’s Movie Reviews: You Got Served, Beat the World
Hello all. Mark here. I got a quick note for you. I’ve never watched any of the latest dance films all the way through. I did fast forward through Step Up 3 on Netflix to watch this scene though. Great stuff!
Enjoy John’s review. Cherish the bad acting and bad dancing. Hope Dolph Lundgren stars in Step Up 4.
You Got Served: Beat the World
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: The best part of this movie is the scathing review I get to write about it. The attempts at drama were palpable—as in they left a taste in my mouth like a Hell-scorched Hot Pocket! Now that I’ve seen the kind of dancing that wins world competitions I’m calling up Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill and Jay Baruchel—I think we’ve got a shot at the title!!! I give this movie two pirouettes in the keester. Just to clarify, that means an “F”. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: The far technically superior You Got Served, any of the Step Up series. But be warned, the plots and writing are almost unnoticeably better.
It’s the same old story. Some dude living in midtown Detroit flipping crates on the night shift has the reasonable dream of helping Jay-Z make music videos. Now just how does that usually work out? I’m guessing less than stellar. The intended twist that would make this movie stand out among other dance flicks is the incorporation of parkour (aka, free-running) into hip-hop. Like some Brit who looks like a juiced up Elijah Wood is going to teach a bunch of slam dancers how to free-run in about two days—plausible? The real way that this movie stands out is that it’s the least impressive dance flick I’ve ever seen. And folks, I love me some dance flicks. Like, way love them—as in I have a secret dream of being in a dance crew “love them”. Yet this one just caused me pain.
So I told you about the Detroit crew leader, on to the rest of “the world”. In Berlin there’s a crew led by some unimposing white guy who looks like James McAvoy and Stuart Townsend had a love child. Just so we’re clear Stuart Townsend played vampire Lestat in Queen of the Damned. There’s some gambling-addicted Brazilian guy with no personality whatsoever. Then there’s a bunch of other crews that all look like they hail from Detroit, too. To make the story more “real” or whatever all three of these leaders repetitively let their crews down with all the guidance of a drunk lemming in need of directions to the way-serious dance competition where the winning team krumps away with $100K.
The screenwriting was destitute at best. Here’s a big red flag: there are references to “stepping up” but none to “getting served”. Maybe the writers thought this was Step Up 4. Oh, but there were plenty of other reasonable lines to make up for it like:
1) “We’re the best, we can’t lose!”
2) “I didn’t graduate valedictorian like you. Hip-hop’s my only way there.”
3) “You know dancing is our only way out.”
4) “I hope you’re ready to get your ass kicked again.”
5) [and in response:] “Man, I can’t wait to kick his ass!”
Yep. That’s how twenty-somethings talk. But it’s not just the quippy repartees, the writing consistently sucked throughout the script.
I guess I should address the dancing. So remember the cool moves from the solo scenes in Step Up and the cool group practice sessions in You Got Served—yeah, they all sucked in this movie. Oh, and weren’t the routines in the competitions in both of those movies like wicked-holy-shit, “did that just happen” F@#$ing awesome? Yeah, not so much in this movie.
But what about the dance competition at the end? That’s gotta’ have some serious acts right? Swing and a miss! These scenes felt akin to watching 100 kids from Detroit and some exchange students from Rio and Berlin doing an urban Macarena in Hip Hop for Beginners—that’s right next to Six Minute Abs at the DVD store. The choreography appeared cardiovascularly unchallenging. So much, in fact, that I’ve seen chubby Asians more attentive to technical effort while sweating to Dance Dance Revolution! And why oh why is Lil C (judge and choreographer on SYTYCD) in the cast!?! I hope he’s not responsible for this choreography. He’d be out of a job unless the sequel machine farted out a successor to this miserable waste of film.
Let’s skip to the end. The protagonist’s crew wins against “the world”. However, I doubt they could even hold their own at a middle school talent show. Scott Pilgrim faced a way tougher the World than this crew, and all he walked away with was some raggedy-haired chick and the same one-room apartment. The lesson? Don’t know, don’t care…and don’t watch this movie.
Now how many Aspirin should I chase with vodka to forget that this movie ever happened?
Share this post:
John’s Horror Corner: Piranha 3D
By: John Leavengood
MY CALL: This movie was architected for high school and college guys who like energetic, fun-kill-filled flicks with no more pertinent plot than “these piranhas happen to be in this lake and start killing Spring Breakers”. If you’ve ever enjoyed a movie like that, then taking issue with Piranha is like faulting a crack whore for her spilt ends. Don’t sweat the small stuff. This is a “check your brain at the door” and enjoy kind of movie. [B, for a good B-horror]
IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Piranha (1978), Piranha 2: The Spawning (1981), Food of the Gods II (1989, skip part one), and the Jaws series (which is due for an honorable, thoughtful remake). WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: If you want a somewhat biologically accurate animal-turned-monster flick, then I strongly suggest Lake Placid (1999). Many of my doctorate-toting biologist friends enjoyed it without many “Oh, God, they got that all wrong” moments. If you want something more sci-fi stupid-ish, then try Deep Blue Sea, perhaps.
Quite a cast: Richard Dreyfuss, Ving Rhames, Elisabeth Shue, Christopher Lloyd, Jerry O’Connell, Adam Scott, Dina Meyer, and a cameo by Eli Roth. Was it worth it? I think so! This remake (which is at least as fun as the original) kicks off like Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break, foreshadowing gratuitous nudity for teenagers with Netflix across the globe. Appropriately, Jerry O’Connell plays the “Wild, Wild Girls” director/producer who goes to a small, Spring Break-friendly lake town in the Southwest to make his fortune. Meanwhile Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames play local cops trying to keep Spring Break order. Good luck.
This flick gets pretty Jaws-ish pretty fast. Shue finds a body and considers closing the lake. But the lake is too big of a Spring Break cash cow for her small town. Back to funville, satirical gratuitous nudity has already begun in the form synchronized swimming performed by two “Wild, Wild” girls to an operatic soundtrack. How tasteful.
Now for some explanation of these piranhas’ origin…
There’s seismic activity which opened an underwater chasm, through which the piranhas escaped from an underwater lake, previously sealed off for a way like-dinosaur-long time. Naturally, it’s filled with eggs. Some seismology researchers want to investigate but, come on? Scuba-diving in a movie called Piranha? They never stood a chance.
Christopher Lloyd plays some dude who owns an aquarium store who, based on his level of expertise, holds a doctorate in fish systematics (naturally specializing on piranhas). He instantly recognizes a captured specimen as representing a species which went extinct two million years ago. An amateur paleontologist as well, hmmm? He even has a fossil of that exact species in his store! Shouldn’t that be in a museum, bro?
The CGI attacks are fun and better than any made-for-ScyFy Saturday night movies. The kill-humor is 80’s-chic and includes eyeballs being tugged from their sockets. Some other kill-innovations include clever boat collisions, high tension wires, a girl getting scalped by a boat engine propeller, and a fish eating its way out of a person’s mouth. Breast implants, a severed penis and disembodied eyeballs drift about in this tidal chaos as well. Oh, and a piranha eats and then belches out a dick, there are lots of “halves” of people, one woman is “accidently” torn in half by her rescuers, and a dude walks on his bone foot. Nothing but fun, folks!!! I’m giving you pearls here!
What happens to O’Connell is absolutely priceless and even the very last moment of the movie is hilarious! I enjoyed this so much that I ordered it the same day and, with a little beer, I’d gladly watch it with friends two nights in a row. It’s that fun
Share this post:
Horror Movie Starter Guide
Horror Movie Starter Guide: Upcoming Horror Guide
By John Leavengood
Little gets me more excited than the prospect of a horror movie marathon! I’ve tried to include a few different flavors ranging from independent to mainstream, serious to utterly slapstick, zombies, ghosts, slashers, mutants and monsters. Here are the goods!
Grave Encounters
Session 9 plus Paranormal Activity = Grave Encounters. This nifty flick appears to be well-done, but little of the supernatural creatures are shown. That can really make or break these movies. I just hope they’re tactful about it because I’m really excited about this one. Online it’s hard to track down a release date for this movie, which was evidently completed last year. One rumor sets it for this August. Here’s the trailer…
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark
Guillermo del Toro has truly proven himself when it comes to fantasy creature-driven movies. Hellboy 2’s tooth fairies and angel of death, the faun and eye-handed monster from Pan’s Labyrinth, and Hellboy’s Samaal; I’m looking forward to what creature he dreams up next (with the help of some ace make-up and CGI technicians). We just get a hint of the diminutive horrors of the movie in this early trailer…
Karak
This Malaysian horror flick looks deliciously bad in all the ways I love. When I watched the trailer I saw what I can only describe as a haunted Volkswagen beetle! There were also some cheap attempts at special effects like floating disembodied heads and worms wiggling from head wounds. As soon as I can get my hands on this I MUST review it!!!!!
Watch this trailer. It’ll make you smile.
Roid Rage
So this is just a short film (14 minutes) but I thought I’d include it anyway. The “roid” refers to hemorrhoid and when you watch the trailer there’s a little worm monster which I assume is a dude’s evil, hungry roid. This seems like a Tromaville kind of film.
The Dead
Wow. Zombie fans, set your time machine for the 1970’s. It’s been a long time since we had a decent third world zombie flick. This one’s set in Africa, has classic, non-viral, stanky-leggin’, rheumatoid-lethargic zombies—the classic Romero brand. The gore in the trailer is minimal, but I really hope they go classic over-the-top Lucio Fulci on us. Fingers crossed…
Share this post:
John’s Horror Corner: I Spit on Your Grave
Hello all. Mark here. I watch pretty much every horror film worth watching. I skipped this flick though. I stopped watching the torture flicks right after Hostel Two stunk up the theaters. It makes me happy that co-writer John Leavengood watches most of these films because I get to read the reviews and not worry about watching the movie. Read the review! Enjoy it! Maybe even rent it.
SIDENOTE: I did watch the film I Saw the Devil…However, it is Korean so I can write off the torture parts as adding to my foreign film pretentiousness.
John’s Horror Corner: I Spit on Your Grave (2010)
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: The original was better in some ways and bested in others. That said, if you’ve ever enjoyed the exploitation or gore-porn subgenres, then you’ll probably favor this movie. I don’t know how to rate exploitation films objectively and would avoid anyone who can. But if you like any of the movies listed in the “IF YOU LIKE…” entry below, then pop some popcorn, watch and enjoy. IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Funny Games, Hard Candy, the Saw series, the Hostel series, The Last House on the Left (1972 original & 2009 remake), I Spit on Your Grave (1978, the original). WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: If you find this detestable then I have no advice for you other than to avoid movies whose plots are fueled by rape and torture. It shouldn’t be hard. Just look for the “Family” section at your local Blockbuster.
This is a remake of a boundary breaking movie which enjoyed a spotlight of the controversy questioning that which may or may not be acceptable for theatrical release. I started out skeptical as to how “intense” this flick would be. The resurgence of exploitation movies has allowed more raunchy, socially questionable elements all over again, but like all genres it can be quite a mixed batch in terms of quality and effective delivery of such provocative material. The remake of The Last House on the Left was entertaining, but more so for the revenge scenes of the victem’s parents than for the hard-to-watchness of the rape scenes (not that I particularly enjoy rape scenes). It’s just that the original felt more “real” and tested my moral thresholds while the new one simply depicted some brutal, hard-to-watch-by-topic-alone sort of scenes…like Saw or Hostel; purely gratuitous and meant for those who want just that. I guess I want more from my over-gored movies—more intensity. I like to feel “tested” when I watch things intended to be off-putting. You know what did that to me? The you-know-what scene from Hard Candy (I don’t want to ruin it for those who haven’t seen it).
The plot is simple. Some writer-or-something chick rents a cabin in the wilderness. Some hillbillies who enjoy a good game of catfish baseball essentially dare the most debonair of the bunch into trying to get that stuck-up city girl. Some breaking and entering…and a whole lot of rape. She runs, they find her, and rape her again while one lightens the mood with his harmonica music. Finally, she zombie-walks away with a 28 Days Later twitch in her gait and escapes.
Some considerable efforts were made to humanize the brutal assailants. How charming it was when the sheriff’s mass rape choreography was interrupted by a call from his daughter who was disappointed because he “always makes breakfast before church on Sundays”. But “Daddy’s real busy, honey. Tell mom I’m running late”. This was most likely done to horrify viewers with the concept that such a twisted, nigh-soulless side could be subletting the same mind as a loving husband and father. During the rape scene, two of the other assailants express sympathy for their victem, all be it briefly and followed readily by desensitization through brutal, carnal satisfaction.
Well, after her escape she becomes a monster and hunts and tortures her assailants one by one. The scenes start out feeling like a PG-13 version of Saw or Hostel, but the scenarios become more elaborate, creative and intense with each successive victem (more fun, too, for gore hounds). They are generally over-staged and unrealistic for a 110-pound girl to execute alone on the shear basis of heavy lifting—but, whatever, I was entertained.
When they decided to pursue this remake they didn’t pull any punches on the casting. While the femme fatale star (Sarah Butler) is essentially a nobody willing to show a lot of skin, the assailants are all played by real, second-string, recognizable actors: Daniel Franzese (Mean Girls, Party Monster), Andrew Howard (Limitless, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Limitless), Jeff Branson (The Young and the Restless, Guiding Light, All My Children), and Chad Lindberg (Push, The Last Samurai, The Fast and the Furious). The camerawork and film editing are inconsistent at best, but I was shocked by a few brief shots which I would be tempted to call good cinematography moments. In the end Michael Bay beat these moviemakers to the punch on the subtitle: Revenge of the Fallen.
The ending lacks the element of female empowerment and sick charm of the original (a boat ride on a sunny day), but makes up for it with more creative vengeful cruelty and torture. If tough-to-watch is your game, then this flick’s for you.
Movies, Films & Flix 