John’s Horror Corner: Lo
Hello all. Mark here.
I too was intrigued by the poster for this film. I never watched it and I’m glad I didn’t. Thanks John for saving me from this flick! Enjoy the review.
John’s Horror Corner: Lo
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: For horror fans, this film is the lump of coal you find in your stocking on Christmas morning when you thought you were being such a good little boy. The writer/director had a great plot idea, amazing in fact, and came up with an brilliant twist at the end, however the execution was unforgivably poor. I don’t know what I did to deserve to suffer through this one. [I’ll give it an F…maybe a D for an excellent premise?] IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Not that the movies are similar, but the love story feels strangely like Night of the Living Dead 3.
This is the one-act play-style story of a man who attempts a conjuration ritual to summon a demon (named Lo), from whom he demands to have the soul (and, I assume, the rest) of his girlfriend returned from Hell. When I read something like that in the product description I thought “cool”. But cool it was not.
An uncreative 12-year old was likely responsible for this stunningly poor screenwriting. Lo’s lines feel out of place as he threatens “I’ll have you in my belly” or “I’m going to eat you” with all of the unseriousness of a cartoon fairy tale. Quite inconsistently, other times Lo speaks more to the tune of a poorly written R-rated demon movie as he uses foul profanity while explaining that he will rape, kill and eat anything, “especially babies”. Sounds like the kind of dialogue a lonely, antisocial preteen horror fan would dream up. The set design and deliberate melodrama of this wanna’-be arthouse horror satire are exhausting. And I offer no forgiveness for the desperate overacting, either. Maybe a drama major or theater junky could appreciate some aspects of this film, but I find the very act of its production deplorable.
This film is a prime example of what happens when a sexually repressed loser who still high-fives and lives in his mother’s basement cashes in his Barmitzphah bonds to chase his dream of being a famous writer/director. This winner probably considers his brilliant film to be about as cool as his 80th level Warlock in whatever online fantasy game that serves as his social life surrogate—you know, where he hangs out with other virgins in their 30s.
This film is complete with a painful musical number. Not surprisingly, the lyrics were poorly written and distastefully off rhyme scheme. Later there was an awful interpretive dance routine with an anthropomorphic rat and Hell’s bartender. I also endured some very long (and boring) asides.
Everything about this film was detestable except for the idea, which was simple, but truly great. I’m also happy that I had become desensitized to the bad acting so that I could take a moment to appreciate a very clever twist at the end. So clever, in fact, that I struggle to believe that the person who developed such a poor script could have also crafted this genius closing nuance. I wouldn’t dare ruin the great ending, nor would I dare suggest that anyone suffer through this film in order to see it. Sort of an ironic statement, huh?
I saw this movie without first seeing the trailer. Honestly, seeing it would have scared me away like a light switch would a cockroach. What caught me was the movie poster. Doesn’t it look tempting?
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Hofmeyer’s 11
Hello all. Mark here.
I just got done watching The Usual Suspects again and I noticed that Safe Men is now on Netflix. Also, I went to watch Cowboys and Aliens and before the movie I saw the preview for Tower Heist. It got me thinking about the dream team of thieves I could put together to make the greatest (in my world) heist film ever.
I’m thinking the 11 will be looking to steal from billionaire/thief/Evil Genius Nicolas Cage and his Henchmen John Leguizamo and Dolph Lundgren. The plot centers around Swayze planning to take 600 million dollars from the Jamaican accented Cage who plans to turn a beautiful Hawaiian surf resort into condos to run his drug business out of.
Of course, police officers will be hot on their tails. Delroy Lindo and Timothy Olyphant from Gone in 60 Seconds will fit in Nicely.
Here is the crew:
Bodhi–Point Break
The perfect leader. Cool, Collected, good with a gun and Cool. He picks the greatest disguises and would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for Johnny Utah. This was Swayze’s best role ever. Plus, there will be gratuitous surfing montages!
Chris Shiherlis–Heat
Perfect second in command. Plus, he could handle himself in any shoot out. The dude was awesome in Heat and with his long hair would make a great one-two punch of flowing hair with Swayze.
Dignan–Bottle Rocket
Any man who will put a piece of tape on his nose to hide his identity needs to be in the crew. What Dignan lacks in intelligence and criminal prowess he makes up in willingness and a love of fireworks. Dignan will be the gopher. The guy will be utility in every aspect. Just don’t expect him to drive…he will lock the keys in the car.
Cindy–Extract
She manipulates everyone she meets…and she does it well. She could steal your guitar and sell it back to you. I don’t see any normal human being able to withstand her verbal attack for long. She could get the team into any place they wanted.
Virginia Baker–Entrapment
Every team needs a gymnast and I think she fits the bill well. Also, I’m pretty certain she is the only reason people went to watch Entrapment.
Brian and Roman–2 Fast 2 Furious
Scott Caan and Casey Affleck were brothers in Ocean’s Eleven. Tyrese and Walker call each other “bro” or “brah” at least 700 times in 2 Fast 2 Furious. They would be the perfect get away drivers and could supply lots of unintentional laughs. These guys survived every thing thrown at them and more. I’d love to see them outrun the two teams of Leguizamo-Lundgren and Olyphant-Lindo.
Sam and Eddie– Safe Men
Two musicians who are mistaken for thieves who love Slo-Gin Fizzes. They could provide the perfect distraction while the real thieves are doing the dirty work. Any movie that has Sam Rockwell dancing cannot be bad. Also, Steve Zahn becomes a master safe cracker. You gotta have one of those.
Fred Fenster– The Usual Suspects
He’ll Flip Ya! I just like hearing him talk. Sure he bails on the team and dies…..But they won’t be stealing from Kaiser Soze.
Peter Gibbons– Office Space
Every team needs a computer guy and who better than Zen Master Livingston. He could design some beautiful computer programs. It is an added bonus that he is the chillest dude ever and dislikes leaving a paper trail (TPS reports).
ENJOY THE MOVIE!!!!
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Red Riding Hood
Hello all. Mark here
I asked my girlfriend Megan to write this weeks BMT. I’ve been in Chicago and wasn’t able to write.
Before I left we rented Red Riding Hood. I knew there was a very good chance it would be bad. I was right. It reeks of badness…..in a good way. I has fun time watching this ridiculous film from Twilight director Catherine Hardwick. She really knows how to make a bad film with a decent cast.
Red Riding Hood
By: Megan Arnall
Director Catherine Hardwicke had to persuade her Red Riding Hood star Amanda Seyfried to work with newcomer Shiloh Fernandez, “Amanda had met Shiloh before and did not like him, so when I told Amanda I was going to bring him in to audition, she made a face. But she tried it, and they hit it off.”
Enjoy!
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Everyday
Hello all. Mark here. This is gonna sound weird but I’ve never liked Brian Dennehy as an actor. It is nothing rational but he has always annoyed me. Maybe, after what he did to Rambo all those years ago…..
Enjoy John’s latest review!
Every Day (2010)
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: This is not a feel good movie or a great movie, but it made me think and I enjoyed it a lot…mostly because I like Eddie Izzard, Live Schreiber and Carla Gugino, but also because there were some strong nods/criticisms to how we deal or cope with family drama. I’d say give it a shot. [B]. IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: As Good As It Gets will provide a much better performance from Helen Hunt. Maybe try The Kids Are All Right, too.
Let’s start by pointing out that the DVD cover makes this appear like some light-hearted love-triangle rom-com. It’s not. The trailer suggests this is a family-driven drama with some hard times, but also with a lot of smiles suggesting, perhaps, a lot of warm resolution. If feel like that’s only half right. Here’s the trailer…
If this movie had a mission statement I think it would be to convey that family life is tough. Or that life, in general, is tough. The movie doesn’t do a great job depicting common stressful family scenarios, but it does do very well when it comes to convincing us of how tough these situations are on the characters.
The issues addressed are primarily delivered from the father’s (Live Schreiber) perspective and include struggling with managing his gay teenage son (Ezra Miller), supporting his wife (Helen Hunt) as she copes with her unloving father (Brian Dennehy) who moves in with them, temptations of infidelity with his coworker (Carla Gugino), and balancing the diametric pressures between his deadline pushing boss (Eddie Izzard) and his family responsibilities (often from his wife, specifically).
All actors played their roles well, however I did not find Schreiber and Hunt to be a credible couple. Even though the couple is going through hard times and aren’t being intimate, I still feel comfortable saying that whatever chemistry that should have been there, wasn’t there. This wasn’t an issue that affected my enjoyment of the movie though.
This movie made me stop and think about life for a moment. Seeing the invalid, depressed, suicidal father-in-law struggle and aggressively emote was rough. Seeing the mother try to shield her younger son from the inevitable exposure to this toxic man was tougher. Toughest, was seeing her husband suffer the aftershocks of her anger with her father. Just when I thought I had seen the roughest patch, I listened to the all too familiar condescending lies we pass to the elderly to convince them of how much they will enjoy assisted living facilities. Oh, they have activities. Dad, you love shuffle board. This feels like a good fit. You’re really going to love it here. As if addressing a child or programming a new cult initiate, isn’t it? How sad that this has become a seemingly necessary standard of operation.
Again, tough times and not a lot of smiles, but a serviceable movie that makes some good observations on family drama.
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Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: The live action actors were mediocre but I simply didn’t care. The apes, both CGI and performance-wise, were EPIC! For a summer blockbuster this gets a solid “A”. IF YOU LIKED THIS, THEN WATCH: This movie had some great qualities to it. Here are some off the wall movies to try out which share some such aspects. For the cruel prison elements try The Experiment. But be warned, that movie really tests its audience’s moral limits—like Sleepers. For awesome CGI apery, how about the recent King Kong? For an amazing emotional performance by another CGI character, you can’t go wrong with Wall-E.
Despite being an obviously predictable remake, this movie was absolutely not what I expected and it left me quite awestruck. James Franco, John Lithgow, and Freida Pinto brandished nothing but mediocrity. While watching the movie, I realized that I was in no way invested in their characters, their well-being or their relationships. The CGI apes, however, were done perfectly. If you’re old enough to remember how impressed you were when Jurassic Park or, more recently, the latest King Kong came out then you know what I mean. A solid standard is being set in the realm of live actor-driven CGI characters (in this case, by Andy Serkis of Lord of the Rings and King Kong fame).
I could talk about how great the ape scenes were for their dynamic movement, facial expressions and very creative action sequences. But I want you to see it for yourself. Just know that a LOT of work and careful thought and planning clearly went into this.
I was stunned by how well emotion was conveyed through Caesar (Andy Serkis’ role). Caesar had a powerful father-son connection to Franco’s character. When Caesar compared himself to a pet the tension and compassion were palpable. And as Caesar united his fellow apes, choosing them over his previous human family, you feel the sense of loss and conflict. Not since Wall-E have I seen such amazing emotional connections delivered by CGI characters. In fact, the two strongest examples of characters (live or CGI) depicting senses of longing or yearning to belong may just be Caesar and Wall-E. What can I say? Both of these movies really affected me.
So here’s what I wasn’t counting on. Much of this movie is essentially a prison movie. Yeah, like Shawshank prison movie. It shared a lot of the same plot elements: discovering enemies, big fish-little fish hierarchy, abuse, fear, feeling abandoned and alone, forming alliances, insurrection, escape, revenge. I’ll make another reach here. The movie reminded me of The Experiment. However, that Draco Malfoy kid didn’t do as well in this movie as Cam Gigandet and Forest Whitaker did as prison guards. Not by a long shot. Could Hollywood please never give Draco a job again, please? I’d prefer he do something he can do well, like pumping gas, because he surely can’t act!
Despite my harsh criticism of the live-action actors, this movie was jaw-dropping. The slow parts were stimulating and the FX and action were truly summer blockbuster-worthy. Don’t tell yourself that you’re walking into Mark Wahlberg’s Planet of the Apes remake all over again. This movie wipes the floor with it!
Not surprisingly, there’s already talk of the next installment, but I’m certainly not complaining. Click here to check it out
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Men of War
The tagline says it all
“Warriors are paid to fight. Not to think. But that’s about to change.”
With this tagline I expected two great things. Ridiculous action and Dolph thinking.
The movie starts off badly enough. Dolph wearing an ill-fitting hat while chugging whiskey. He has given up with mercenary ways and instead does sit ups and drinks hard liquor in-between sets. In true bad movie fashion he is summoned back for one more mission by the creepy dude who was in Roadhouse.
A strange thing happens though. After all the bad acting, ADR dialogue and bicep flexing the final battle scene is actually pretty badass (by bad movie standards). My guess is that they did the action scene first…ran out of money then had to film the rest in three days before the food ran out.
I’m thinking the producers hoped people would survive the beginning to make it to the end. All the badness is quickly erased when Dolph runs around with a swedish rocket launcher and the largest gun I’ve ever seen. There is even a slow motion scene where he runs with a knife and kills a whole plethora of bad guys.
Of all the 80s-90s Dolph action films I have to say that he tries the hardest in this film. The newest Rambo actually stole its tagline from this movie. “Die for something or live for nothing.” The Expendables is somewhat similar as well. Dolph’s character is Swedish Nick Gunnar….his character in Expendables is Gunnar Jensen. Coincidence?
I’m not saying this is a good film….because there is a whole lot of bad. The dialogue is almost all done by ADR. The editing is choppy and there is an action scene where a woman’s stunt double is obviously a man. Also, in the beginning Dolph wears the worst hat in the history of cinema.
I guess I should talk about the plot. The movie revolves around people wanting to mine Jade from an island. This is evident when the shirtless Australian bad guy is sitting in a boat reading a National Geographic that has Jade written on the front. The Aussie then is badly dubbed saying “Jade.”
In the end, Swedish Nick and his band of loyal mercenaries and villagers defeat a creepy guy, Zeus Lister and a shirtless Australian.
Coud be worse. You are not totally angry at yourself after watching. I recommend you watch in three intervals.
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John’s Old School Horror Corner: Night of the Demons 3
John’s Horror Corner: Night of the Demons 3 (1997)
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: No grade or score properly relays what one is getting into by watching this movie. Just be informed that I liked part one and LOVED part 2. This, however, paled in comparison. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Night of the Demons (1988), Night of the Demons 2. IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Night of the Demons (1988), Night of the Demons 2, Night of the Demons (2009)…in fact, if you liked this movie, watch ANY horror. DRINKING MOVIE STATUS: Alcohol is an absolute necessity to mentally survive this assault on good taste.
Beware, folks. And I’m not talking about demons either. From the first scene of this movie the film and camera quality are suspect. Poor special effects, dialogue which desperately forces the history of the ‘til-now-decent franchise, and unpresentably awful introductory credits—all three of which would be easily rivaled by a zero-budget student movie—prepared me for my own Hostel experience.
The same actress (Amelia Kincade) as in the previous installments plays the apparently aging demoness, Angela. I’m not complaining. I like the casting consistency. But this should be the first time she regrets the role. When we first see Angela she demonstrates the ability to telekinetically move a 5000-pound police cruiser. Keep that in mind later in the movie when that talent would likely be useful, yet unutilized, in dispatching pesky youngsters from the cast.
When introduced, the victims (or—characters) have an 80’s slasher-flick air about them in an era where movie-makers should know better. The wardrobe and breast-casting in the opening scenes also seem typical of a time that is 30 years past its prime. The young ladies’ unsensational bare breasts, dated hairstyles, ill-etched tan lines and underwear lead me to believe that this was actually filmed during 1980!
Following in the same classic vein the youthful leads all exhibit criminal proclivities early on in order to justify their obviously forthcoming doom. They also seem to have been held back a few years. These high school seniors look a lot like my cronies when I was in my early 20’s. So what happens is exactly what we expect: a lot of nonsense…
There’s ample nudity staying in classic horror trend: death-harbinger-nudity. Sex seems to be behind the wheel in this low-budgeter. Kissing Angela results in death, but that’s nothing new to those who have seen the prequels. There’s a ridiculous snake-for-a-hand death (see it and you’ll understand). Oh, and the best part of the movie was the “this is my pistol, this is my gun” quote from Full Metal Jacket. Even crappy filmmakers know when a well-deserved nod is due.
Now, I gotta’ ask—how old were these kids when Night of the Demons 2 came out. I mean, they all seem know something about Hull House in the movie. This is a sequel, so we are to understand that the kids from part 2 did in fact die there…in that house…just a few years ago. How many people need to die in this damned house before kids learn to stay away?
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Cowboys & Aliens
By: Megan Arnall
This story begins when Mark and I were in a theater in November 2010 to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1. The Cowboys & Aliens trailer came on the screen for a packed theater, and instead of the awe and applause for a great summer blockbuster that we expected…a bunch of high school kids laughed and mocked this awesome looking movie. I was shocked.
Go see Cowboys & Aliens. Go see it yesterday. Did you see the trailer? If yes, ignore it; If no, don’t watch it. Don’t be the cynical kids in the movie theater, Cowboys and Aliens may sound like a funny title but weren’t you ever a kid with a huge imagination? When you were playing Cowboys and Native Americans as a kid…wasn’t it awesome when your Star Wars X wing fighter came to join the party?
Is this the penultimate of summer blockbusters? No, but it is a fun and highly watchable movie.
Megan’s reasons why:
- Sam. Rockwell. Always a superb and interesting master of ‘the character.’ Does he dance in this movie? You must watch to find out.
- Walton Goggins, the bad guy you root for. He is amazing on TV’s Justified and he brings that same spark to his supporting role in this movie as a member of an outlaw gang.
- Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig….and aliens. The only summer movie I am more excited for is next summer’s Liam Neeson and aliens movie, Battleship.
- The ultimate-movie-lover-who-is-still-a-kid-at-heart fantasy mash-up. Bond and Indy. This is a completely independent reson from the previous one, duh
- Harrison Ford as a role model to his Native American ward (Adam Beach, AKA one of Mark’s favorite actors) and the sheriff’s grandson
- The daytime fight scenes, but hey when you have Industrial Light and Magic on your team how can you go wrong?
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If you haven’t watched this film you owe it to yourself to check it out. Buckaroo is a totally enjoyable cult flick. the narrative is uneven, the scenes jump around, yet it has an undeniable charm.
Here are some reasons you should watch it.
1. Aliens with nicknames such as John Yaya, John Smallberries, John Bigboote.
2. John Lithgow saying “Laugh-a while you can, monkey-boy.”
3. Jeff Goldblum in a cowboy outfit.
4. this line…”Hey, hey, hey, hey-now. Don’t be mean; we don’t have to be mean, cuz, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.”
Check it out on Netflix instant.
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August Movie Preview Part 2
John’s August Preview
By John Leavengood
Conan the Barbarian
Release Date: August 19th
Cast: Jason Momoa, Ron Perlman, Rose McGowan
I have been waiting so very long for this movie—perhaps a decade. I always wondered who they’d find to replace Schwarzenegger and whether there would be a strong comic book fantasy element or not. Judging by the trailer, they went with the Boris Vallejo fantasy with serpents and sorcery (i.e., a creepy sorceress). I’m thrilled. I also like the guy they found to play Conan. He played Khal Drogo, a nomadic barbarian clan leader, in HBO’s Game of Thrones.
My biggest fear is that this movie seems conceptually no different from Kull the Conquerer, and while I loved the delicious Tia Carrera and Kevin Sorbo back in his Hercules days, Kull cut me pretty deep. Please don’t let this feel like tongue-in-cheek humored Kull. Please, barbarian God, Krom, let this movie rock! Luckily, director Marcus Nispel has a few credits that I enjoyed including remakes of Friday the 13th and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Their brutality coupled with his work on Pathfinder could yield an interesting result for Conan.
The Change-Up
Release Date: August 5th
Cast: Ryan Reynolds, Jason Bateman, Olivia Wilde, Leslie Mann
If a movie has Jason Bateman in it, I see it. If a movie has Ryan Reynolds in it, I see it (even if that movie is Green Lantern). So this movie is an instant must see. Both of these actors ooze humor and situationally awkward charm. And situationally awkward is exactly what this movie is. A la Vice Versa and Like Father Like Son, two people switch bodies. Only instead of a father and son (as was the case for the other two movies), this movie swaps an over-sexed bachelor who never grew up with a responsible family man. It looks great!
Fright Night
Release Date: August 19th
Cast: Anton Yechlin, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Colin Farrell, Toni Collette
This remake has been in the online movie rumor mill for over five years now. Finally, it has come. But should I be worried that director Craig Gillespie (Lars and the Real Girl, The United States of Tara, Mr. Woodcock) has never done horror—rather only comedy and drama? We have a lot of decent actors, but the trailer boasts none of the fun horror feel of the original. This barely looks like a horror movie but rather a Lifetime “Stepfather” style movie where there happens to be a vampire. I’ll give it a shot, but I’m very pessimistic straight out of the gate.
Final Destination 5
Release Date: August 12th
Cast: David Koechner, Tony Todd, and a bunch of kids.
I really loved the first three movies in this franchise. Even though they recycled the same plot with different actors and kills scenarios, I always found them to be very fun. The fourth, however, really dropped the ball. I may have enjoyed a few scenes, but there was a noticeable drop in quality. That said, I have high hopes that we get some quality horror fun this August with the fifth installment which is directed by new blood director Steven Quale, who has never been at the helm of a movie, but assisted Cameron on Avatar.
One Day
Release Date: August 19th
Cast: Anne Hathaway, Jim Sturgess, and Patricia Clarkson (who was wonderful in Easy A)
Ok, folks. This was evidently based on some best seller about which I know nothing. However, I absolutely adore Anne Hathaway—for her work not her looks and body, you perverts! She was stellar in Love and Other Drugs and charming in the otherwise mundane Valentine’s Day. That said, movies like this see no justice or warning from trailers. What do I mean? Well, no one who didn’t know about the novel would have thought that Pride and Prejudice’s trailer would merit a great tale of longing, nor did the trailer of Valentine’s Day warn us of the slap-dash script that was in store. Sure it was funny and sweet at times, but it just didn’t make par. I’m hopeful on this one. Check out the trailer and you be the judge.
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark
Release Date: August 26th
Cast: Katie Holmes, Guy Pearce
Guillermo del Toro has truly proven himself when it comes to fantasy creature-driven movies. Hellboy 2’s tooth fairies and angel of death, the faun and eye-handed monster from Pan’s Labyrinth, and Hellboy’s Samaal; I’m looking forward to what creature he dreams up next (with the help of some ace make-up and CGI technicians). We just get a hint of the diminutive horrors of the movie in this early trailer…
Glee 3D
Release Date: August 12th
Cast: Cory Monteith, Lea Michele, Dianna Agron
Okay, I just watched the trailer…what am I watching?
I adored Glee in season one, like it in season 2, and fell off the wagon for season 3. I feel like this is just pushing the envelope. However, if you loved Glee throughout all seasons, then this is probably your bag. The trailer is not terribly informative, but it gives us the gist that the same ilk is being presented with a hint of reality behind-the-scenes action.
Movies, Films & Flix 