Bad Movie Tuesday: 2010 Moby Dick
2010: Moby Dick
There is a scene in 2010: Moby Dick where the titular whale eats a helicopter. I began to wonder how it could digest the whole thing. That must be tons of metal, fuel and wiring. Wouldn’t the whale get a cramp? He couldn’t be swimming around after that. I hate to be vulgar but how does he pass it?
This film focuses on a current day Ahab. Ahab got his leg eaten by Moby Dick and has a dark resentment……..However, after seeing the whale eat an entire helicopter I’m thinking that Ahab got off lucky. Actually, he is incredibly fortunate that he only got his leg eaten. Imagine the stories you could tell at bars. Nobody would have a better scar story.
Sample Conversation:
Random Dude: Check out this scar. I got this while on a safari in Africa. A honey badger attacked me.
Female bar patron: Wow! nobody can top that story.
Ahab: Well! A whale the size of a football field ate my leg and now I hunt it 24/7 in a submarine I made.
Female Bar Patron: Torpedoes away!
I do have to say that this is the best looking film The Asylum has ever made. That isn’t saying much considering the other films are Megashark vs. Giant Octopus and they are responsible for this scene.
The movie still has its faults. There is a scene where Ahab is making a speech and it cuts to all the clean-shaven crew…all is good until it cuts to a guy with long hair and a chin strap beard. Then, Ahab is running around with the cheesiest looking rocket launcher ever. The thing flops up and down while he is running. The kicker is that he has to carry an ugly gun…then the harpoon from that gun proves to be his undoing.
I never thought I would say this but I’m growing tired of large aquatic creatures running amuck. I loved the megashark catching a plane out of the air but it isn’t thrilling when a whale does a belly flop on a boat. Also, the whale is a big time jerk. He destroys a random sub then he sees there is still a survivor so he breaks through an iceberg and drags the man back into the water. You can’t support that kind of behavior from any type of angry creatures.
At the end they try to create a message. the message is that the whale hasn’t been hunting them. they’ve been hunting it. Tell that to the cruise ship Moby destroyed or the aforementioned sailboat that met Moby’s belly. There is even a scene where Moby goes onto land and actively hunts down the sailors.
What I love is that there is a movie company that consistently produces junk. In their next film they have Thor running through the streets battling Richard Greico while shooting an uzi. Gotta love it.
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John’s DVD Round-Up
Hello all. Mark here. John has joined in on the DVD Round Up greatness. Today, he covers Faster and Death Race 2. Faster is a truly horid flick. Death Race 2…….is bad but better than it should be.
Enjoy! I agree with it all.
John’s DVD Round-Up
By John Leavengood
One with the word “race” and the other with a highway in the background, these two movies imply automotive speed. Neither deliver (speed nor highlight-worthy entertainment.
Death Race 2 (2010)
MY CALL: I’m not gonna’ beat around the bush. This movie wasn’t great. But it didn’t totally suck either. In fact, given that my expectations were low, this movie was actually a lot of fun. It’s got some actors I like, serviceable action, and it weaves the story that led us to Jason Statham’s Death Race. So give it a shot. It’s not a bad way to spend a rainy Sunday afternoon. Just don’t make this movie the centerpiece of your weekend evening. [C+]
WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Death Race (2008), The Running Man, The Condemned, Undisputed (parts 1-3)
IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Same movies as above.
Let’s start by saying that I simply love movies that turn death row inmates into to-the-death tournament participants. Add a game show element and I’m even more sold on the idea. These movies are just plain fun. I am also a fan of Luke Goss, who played the would-be vampire-reaper prince in Blade II, the supremely badass spear-fighting Prince Nuada in Hellyboy 2, and Frankenstein’s monster in the Frankenstein miniseries (that fact makes his choice for this movie interesting…hint, hint). Also odd that out of those three movies and Death Race 2, three are sequels.
This may be a sequel, but it also felt like a remake. A big black dude who races a big pick-up truck is the main antagonist of an in-shape white dude with a shaved head who’s sweet on his she-inmate copilot; just like Tyrese and Jason Statham’s dynamic in the 2008 predecessor. But that made it kind of fun. Seeing Danny Trejo in Ian McShane’s role was also cool. But, seeing Trejo is always cool as long as you don’t get fooled into watching Machete. For some reason Sean Bean is in this, too. I guess he squeezed it in before filming for Game of Thrones (new awesome series on HBO).
This movie was straight-to-DVD, and rightfully so. There’s not much to talk about regarding the plot and a LOT of the same elements from the first movie are used in this one…except for high-quality races! They seem to be outright missing. It is what it is: a rainy Sunday afternoon filler.
Faster
MY CALL: If you enjoy disliking Billy Bob Thornton, if you aren’t willing to give Dwayne Johnson another chance, or if you like movies with forced agendas, then you’ll probably like this. It will confirm your notions. I guess I’d watch it again, but it wouldn’t be “my call”. The Rock really needs to get back to his Rundown roots. I miss “that” Dwayne. Instead of this, watch any of the other movies referenced below. For the quintessential The Rock experience: the Rundown.
This movie may be called Faster, but it felt unnecessarily rushed from the first minute. The director was trying to make a point with this, but I found it more annoying than effective. Thankfully it somewhat mellows out later. Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) plays a big badass with a death wish hit list who displays complete reckless abandon from the moments he is released from prison.
Someone on his hit list hires a hitman to take care of him. The hitman is the kind of character we all find annoying, but presented in a way that made him fun to watch. He’s a mountain-climbing, software millionaire, thrill-seeker who cares about executing the most difficult consecutive 10-move combination of yoga positions. Just writing that yoga bit makes me want to punch him in the face after his little stretching session before he hits the juice bar! This guy decides Dwayne is his new “highest peak”. With an obvious relationship-hesitation and a lot of arrogance, he chats with his therapist while preparing for his hit. A bit cliche…a la You Kill Me, Grosse Point Blank, Gunshy, The Professional. We get it. Hitmen have some social issues and personality quirks.
The action is weak, but attempts are made to express brutality. Just don’t expect the kind of fun fighting from The Rundown. There were also two car chases and they were not so hot. I yearn for more Gone in 60 Seconds and The Transporter, but I saw no such glimmers. In all fairness, this didn’t feel like it was meant to be considered an action flick fueled by revenge (contrary to the trailer), but rather just a revenge flick. It’s all attitude. But this attitude isn’t really cutting it for me.
They tried for an unexpected ending.
I expected it. I’m not saying it was blatantly obvious from the start, but when my hunches are serially confirmed by movies’ end, then I think those movies are more likely to be predictable than my guesses are consistently lucky.
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127 Hours
Hello all. Mark here. I love love love this film. Surprisingly, the first time I watched it I thought it was decent. However, I watched it again and totally enjoyed it. Danny Boyle is my hero. 28 Days Later, Trainspotting and Sunshine are some of my favorite films. Turn off the lights, Shut off your phone and immerse yourself in this great flick.
Read the great review by John below.
127 Hours
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: Like director Danny Boyle’s past triumphs, 127 Hours is a test of visual and auditory captivation. Everyone will enjoy this extraordinary sensory experience, even if briefly taken aback by the scene that made this story newsworthy. Franco is nothing short of amazing in a role where the camera has little else on which to focus, thus magnifying any faults in his performance—if you can find any. This is an “A” film which tells a simple survival story in a cerebral, human and magnificent manner.
IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Plenty of movies offer thrills, but Boyle will place more than just your ass on the edge of your seat. If you like having your senses on their toes, then try his other films: Sunshine, Slumdog Millionaire, The Beach, Trainspotting, and 28 Days Later.
Not that this had me worried, but the first few minutes of this movie are filmed and edited like the opening scene of a light-hearted, college road trip-style movie. You know? Like you’d see lots of high jinks and cheap laughs from coarse humor. But that is just the unique styling of director Danny Boyle, who brought us Sunshine, Slumdog Millionaire, and many others—all of which delivered a trippy, psychological experience through creative use of brightness effects. Sounds ranging from panic breaths echoing as if inside of a hollow cranium to the employment of ironic score haunt, engage and confuse us (notably peaceful music when faced with imminent death or invigorating pop while in a daze recounting the events of one’s youth). Here the opening scene’s colors glow as an eye-grabbing city montage fast-forwards across the screen to an addictive rhythm.
The scenery is stunning, making the job of the cinematographers a bit easier. However, I’ve been to Canyonlands National Park and I must say that I am shocked that a film crew could do justice to what my eyes have seen with film and equipment of any quality.
This aesthetically pleasing movie tells the brave survival story of adventurer Aron Ralston, played by James Franco. Depicted as having not but a care in the world, we observe Aron maneuvering the dubious landscape of Canyonlands deftly, clumsily, and respectfully. He entertains a pair of young hikers and we see how personable, sharing and life-loving he is. But they will part ways, Aron will be back on his own, and then “it” will happen.
Up until this point I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen because of how visually appealing the movie was. Now, I still can’t, but the reason has changed considerably. Now the score transforms readily with Aron’s mood, whether fearful, industrious, determined or desperate, as he records journal entries with updates of his escape efforts. His occasional episodes of fantasy feel reminiscent of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas with a Euro-MTV soundtrack. It feels delusory, but positive at times these memories and dreams serve to maintain his sanity. There are also some candid, humorous moments of acceptance, with darker intermissions, in his aside-like entries.
The remainder of the movie gets very intense, VERY FAST. The self-surgery scene is NOT, NOT, NOT for the feint. It is also not short, nor is the surgery site camera shy. But this is the crux of the movie, so make sure your girlfriend watches! After all, it will end on an uplifting, feel-good note. It honestly made me feel, well, just “good”.
I’m glad I watched this. You should, too.
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Romantic Comedy Football Team: You Had Me At First Down
This post is written by a man who once shot himself out of a cannon backwards. A man who busted out of an aliens chest. A man who first suggested Hummus.
This man is John Lasavath. When I suggested that he write a list I heard a “You’ve got mail” on my computer. It was a Romantic Comedy list. When I turned around John was gone…much like my truck. Read more…
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Sci-Fi Football Team: Whoa! I Know Football
Hello all. Mark here. This is the third entry in the Football team extravaganza here at moviesfilmsandflix. John Leavengood has come up with a team that could give my Horror team or Jonny’s animated team a run for their money. My personal favorites are the Jumper and Nic Cage references. Also, any team that has the Killer Clowns From Outer Space as their vendors has got to be great.
Read it, Enjoy it, Don’t mess with the Rancor. Read more…
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Ong Bak 2&3
The Ong-Bak Trilogy: My, how far the mighty may fall.
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: I feel like Mark really had the right idea. His comment: “First one is great, Second is ok (if you fast forward through story), Third is soul crushing.” They really do run the gamut from greatness to wretched. Absolutely see the first one, about which I raved (https://moviesfilmsandflix.wordpress.com/2011/04/07/ong-bak-2003/), maybe skip part 2 even if you loved the first, and outright blacklist part 3. No joke. Not even on a rainy afternoon.
FOLLOW-UP: After seeing the first, and only the first, Ong-Bak, please continue your Thai action-cinemacation with The Protector (2005) and Chocolate (2008) (https://moviesfilmsandflix.wordpress.com/2011/02/25/chocolate-2009-not-the-charming-2000-chocolat-starring-johnny-depp/), then move on to District B-13, which is a French action movie. Oh, yeah. French action movies are a thing now.
I don’t know where to start. I enjoyed transcribing my chicken-scratch notes about the original, but these sequels really just unloaded a shotgun in the kneecap of my soul. If Ong-Bak is “the fleck of gold you pray to find amid weather-worn pebbles and sand in your sifting pan”, then part 3 is the unexpected baby birthed in Wal-Mart by a woman who had no idea she was pregnant. I’m just going to give you the bad news in chronological (i.e., worsening) order starting with Ong-Bak 2…
This movie was way different from part one. Although I was considerably less entertained by this sequel, some aspects of it were in fact superior to the original. The cinematography was, well, considered. In the original, only the opening scene seemed to receive any artistic perspective. In part 2, this was clearly a priority and was well-complemented by set design. Part 2 also must have left its “how to look like a Hollywood movie” checklist at home, because there was no terribly-executed taxicab chase scene (perhaps the only bad part of part 1). No sir, this sequel was authentic, gritty, primal, and dated. Yes dated. Because this sequel is a prequel in which Tony Jaa plays Tien.
Tien, a would-be prince, was stripped of his nobility when his parents were murdered and he lived on the streets where he was trained in dirty combat and thievery. When his parents’ killer, the current monarch, holds a competition for his servants to prove who serves him most efficiently, Tien takes the opportunity to enter so that he can win, get close, and have his revenge.
This is where you’re probably wondering what happened to Ting, Jaa’s character from part 1. Good question. Perhaps Tien is a past-life Ting or an ancient ancestor who was one of the first defenders of Ong-Bak. This isn’t really explained for us. Why? No clue! Also somewhat confusing is how much culture is shoved down our throats while we watch this. Architecture, fine. Elaborate wardrobe, okay sure. But long dance scenes? That’s going too far. I grabbed a movie which no one can deny would be in the sub-genre of “martial arts movies”. The presence of authentic culture tactfully woven into set design and the like is good movie-making. Adding this long dance scene made me think I was seeing footage from the Travel Channel.
But why is this happening to us? What changed since part 1? The answer: Tony Jaa co-directed the sequels. Love Jaa for his physical prowess, but damn him for loving his home country’s culture and history so much. [SIDEBAR: Check out my review of Devil. It’s the same scenario reversed. Take away Shyamalan’s right to direct, but still let him come up with the story idea, and you have a decent movie. Let Jaa knee and elbow people into smithereens, but keep him away from the damned script!]
Part two had very entertaining combat. Some people might even argue that it is more different than inferior to part 1. While I respect the opinions of others, that doesn’t mean they’re any less wrong. The flashy moves were fun, with a streetfighting dirtiness at times, but I miss Jaa’s roots—back before he made you sit through sluggishly-paced courtship rituals. If you’re going to watch this, watch it before part 1.
* * * * * * *
Dare we move on to Ong-Bak 3? Okay then.
The movie opens with an imprisoned Tien. He’s about to endure his public execution, which I’m sure is 100% historically accurate for that era: a 12-man bo-staff beatdown squad. This initial action sequence is good, yet somehow the choreography and pace of combat continues to change from the first movie, to the second, to this one. Why is he changing things? You know the old saying? If it ain’t broke…keep your $%&@ing hands off!!!
Part two had some lengthy lulls without combat (but oooooh, the culture). I hope you’re ready for more downtime. After the nifty chain-fighting action sequence in the opening scene, Tien needs to heal. Set your cooking timers for about 20 minutes. Okay, now that he’s healed, set your timers for another 10-20 minutes while he continues to do stuff other than kicking ass. If you stayed awake through all that, then you now know that way too much effort was spent on a really lame plot. Maybe the plot wouldn’t be lame if this was a proper period piece. But it’s not. It’s an action movie! If Jaa wanted to direct a cultural saga, then the first two words of the movie title damn-well shouldn’t have been Ong-Bak!
I think Jaa needs to stop thinking of his childhood and start thinking of Van Damme before he gets involved in another action movie with a “plot”. He needs a little less dance and meditation, and a little more Kickboxer (which also takes place in Thailand but doesn’t have a slow-paced plot that makes me want to eat the smoking end of an assault rifle). Van Damme danced and meditated in Kickboxer. But when he danced, he did it drunk at bar and then got into a bar fight. When he meditated, he was under water or did some mad-crazy flexing Tai Chi. Here is all of the text the script needs before it goes to a screenwriter: Brother trains other brother. Other brother fights, loses, gets paralyzed. Trainer brother is sad, sits by hospital bed, then finds trainer for himself. “Training montage”. Awesome revenge fight. That’s 28 words and no plotty intermissions between fights.
Okay, back to Ong-Bak 3. After the opening fight and an eternity of uneventful healing and training, we have a long combat finale which is ignited when Tien sees the bad guys piling dead slaves three-high and mistreating elephants. To a Thai warrior this must be as bad as when a small animal-abusing teenager has premarital sex while recreationally abusing drugs when Jason Voorhees or Freddy is in town. This is Jaa’s chance to redeem himself! Unfortunately, for the grandiose number of opponents Tien faces, the choreography is rather uninspired—like the rest of this movie was.
I’m a bit of a wine snob, so here’s a themed final analogy comparing Ong-Bak to Ong-Bak 3. If these movies were both wine bouquets, then Ong-Bak would be a rich, spicy, black and boysenberry fruit-bomb, with notes of plum and chocolate, and an overtone of lingering smoky mesquite. Ong-Bak 3 would be like someone dumped five-day old Chinese food in the bottom of a birdcage.
Don’t watch this.
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Animated Football list: Drawing Up the Best Plays
Animated Football list 2011
Amazing list! My cousin Jonny Moore played D1 football for UTEP and regularly comments on the blog. I’m glad I let him make this list.
The 2011 Animated Football Team is a blend of size, strength, speed, attitude and work ethic to form the most elite fantasy football team ever assembled.
Head Coach:
Charles Francis Xavier (X-Men)
Strengths: Two words….. Mind Control
Weaknesses: Does not know a thing about football
Defense: 3-4
CB: The seagulls from Finding Nemo
Strengths: Pick City! With their speed and attitude of “mine mine mine”, makes them uncanny in their ability to go up and contest jump balls.
Weaknesses: Weak bone structure and lack strength; well…..they are seagulls.
CB: Mighty Mouse
Strengths: Super hero speed and strength. Plays with a chip on his shoulder using lack of size as motivation.
Weaknesses: Disease carrier.
Security
SS: Goku (Dragon Ball Z)
Strengths: He’ll go Super Saiyan 13 on your ass. His combination of hard hitting and no shit lightning fast speed are the perfect combination to counter any challenger.
Weaknesses: Despite popular believe Goku doesn’t speak English. This creates a language barrier between him and his teammates. He stated in an interview “chang chong pang chang paaaaaaai”. Translation, “The voice over in the American version was horribly done”.
FS: Pepe Le Pew
Strengths: Surprisingly, Pepe has a nose for the football. Has great passion for the game.
Weaknesses: He is French and is known to hang out with and be a huge inspiration to Ben Roethlisberger.
OLB: The Genie (Aladdin)
Strengths: You get 3 wishes!
Weaknesses: Everyone on the team is exhausted trying to keep up with Robin Williams’ “comedy”.
OLB: Gaston (Beauty and the Beast)
Strengths: Great athlete . Brother of Brian Bosworth giving him access to all the steroids one could want.
Weaknesses: A total douche bag. Everyone hates this jack ass.
MLB: The Thing (Fantastic Four)
Strengths: NO ONE is running between the tackles, PERIOD.
Weakness: No flexibility in hips due to being made of stone.
MLB: Megatron (Transformers)
Strengths: Decepticons are perfect to put on this side of the ball, especially Megatron. Strong and hits hard.
Weaknesses: Needs more heart. Bent on world domination….not football domination.
DT: Shrek
Strengths: Defensive tackles are the meanest position in all of sports. This is especially the case in a 3-4 defense where the battling of double teams on every team requires the right combination of size, strength and attitude. Shrek possesses every one of these.
Weaknesses: Horrible hygiene and refuses to move out of his home in the swamp. Teammates often complain about the smell.
DE: Kronk (The Emperors New Groove)
Strengths: Great at getting up field to disrupt passing lanes. Most people don’t know this but Kronk played D-end for UCLA earning all conference honors his sophomore and junior year. Ruled ineligible his senior year due to grades.
Weaknesses: Not smart at all. Fortunately, not a lot of thinking is needed to play D-end.
DE: Tasmanian Devil (Looney Tunes)
Strengths: You think Dwight Freeney has a good spin move?
Weaknesses: Tasmanian Devil’s are endangered leaving a gapping hole in the depth chart.
Pro Offense:
QB: Bugs Bunny (Looney Tunes)
Strengths: Natural born leader. Arm strength is questioned but makes up for this with his decision making. Great at deceiving the Blitz by convincing them that it’s not football season.
Weaknesses: Needs to put on weight and add strength but Bugs will only eat carrots.
RB: The Road Runner (Looney Tunes)
Strengths: Speed kills. Due to avoiding Wile E. Coyote’s traps the Road Runner has developed great skills which translate into running great routes out of the back field, running in open space, great ball carrier vision and outrunning Acme rockets.
Weaknesses: Whenever asked if he understands, the roadrunner always replies with “beep beep”. No one knows what this means.
FB: Manny (Ice Age)
Strengths: A tank! Natural run blocker who is comfortable in his roll.
Weaknesses: Has trouble with ball control due to no hands and a trunk severely limiting his productivity.
TE: The purple Monstar (Space Jam)
Strengths: Antonio Gates type player. Didn’t play football in college but supreme athletic ability makes up for lack of experience. Also, surprisingly good at making opponents miss in the open field.
Weaknesses: Not football smart or smart at all. Focus is also questioned. Often caught starring in the stands and skipping while picking flowers during time outs.
WR: Dashiell ‘Dash’ Parr (The Incredibles)
Strengths: Speed to stretch the field.
Weaknesses: Immature. Often plays pranks on Goku risking his and everyone else’s life on the team.
WR: Jack (A Nightmare Before Christmas)
Strengths: Great athletic ability. Tall frame leaves room for growth. Ran a 4.41 at the combine and shined in the interview by breaking out in song and dance to win the scouts over.
Weaknesses: Doesn’t have soft hands due to being a skeleton. As a result, tends to catch the ball with his body instead of his hands.
T: Po (Kung Fu Panda)
Strengths: Great balance and footwork. Pass protection is an art of manipulating and moving your opponent’s body making Po great at protecting Bugs’ blind side.
Weaknesses: Only motivated by food often leaving Po overweight.
G: Man Bear Pig (South Park: Imagination Land)
Strengths: Half man, half bear, half pig. Great combination. You need three yards? Run behind MBP.
Weaknesses: Too many unnecessary roughness penalties after eating opponent’s DTs and LBs.
C: Fred Flintstone
Strengths: Strong hands and great footwork. Just watch his Tippy-toe bowling approach.
G: Barney Rubble
Strengths: What makes Barney so great is his chemistry with Fred. They are on the same page every play.
Weaknesses: Lacks height.
T: Popeye
Strengths: All he needs is spinach
Weaknesses: Reaching the tail end of his career with only a few years of productivity left.
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Ong Bak (2003)
I asked Movies, Films and Flix contributor John Leavengood to write-up a review for the Ong Bak trilogy. It pretty much goes the same way as The Matrix and Pirates of the Caribbean trilogies. First one is great, Second is ok (if you fast forward through story), Third is soul crushing.
Enjoy the review and stay tuned for parts two and three in a couple of days.
PLEASE WATCH THE CLIP JOHN INCLUDED. CRAZY AWESOME AND FUN STUFF!
Ong-Bak (2003)
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: When a martial arts move does not deliver something totally new to your eyes, then you wasted your time and money and were a victim of an over-hyped trailer. In a world where some of us grow tired of the same old kick flicks Ong-Bak is the fleck of gold you pray to find amid weather-worn pebbles and sand in your sifting pan. See this, then see The Protector, which I think is better. [A-]
IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: The Protector (2005), Chocolate (2008) (which I reviewed), District B-13
This is the movie that unleashed Tony Jaa upon the world as a star rather than a stunt man. In clothes Jaa may look like a 15-year old school boy. But he fights like a rabid Outbreak monkey and tumbles like a Soviet gymnast as he displays his utterly savage mastery of elbow blunt force trauma to the head. Jaa seems little different from his Hong Kong kung fu counterparts with a name (which is sometimes silly) for every technique. He plays a young lad named Ting, who was recently awarded some sort of village defender title as a result of covering himself with mud, racing other villagers up a tree in a capture-the-flag race, and pushing a few guys thirty feet to the ground like some teen bully who went to school with The Situation and Pauly D in Jersey.
We know we have a movie when some bad guy steals the head of Ong-Bak (a Buddha statue). Ting volunteers to recover the stolen head armed with his muay thai skills, a vial of stale herbs and a crumbled up sandwich bag of cash (which is demonstrably the combined wealth of the entire village, whose poverty was way oversold). Ting starts by locating his city-convert cousin, Humlae, who makes a living as a small-time crook. Humlae quickly steals Ting’s “save Ong-Bak” cash stash and runs off to make some bets at the local fight club. Followed by Ting, Humlae wastes no time fooling Ting into the fighting ring where apparently American Spring-breakers are making bets. By the way, this fight club is owned by our resident Ong-Bak-head-stealing bad guy, a wheelchair-bound geriatric with an electronic voicebox who smokes through a stoma hole. Classic!
The movie takes a while to build momentum, but when some loan-sharks come looking for Humlae things get really fun with a chase scene in the city. After an impressive array of very creative hurdles over and through various moving obstacles, Ting further wows us with yet more jaw-dropping acrobatics. I’ve seen Jackie Chan do a couple of serious stunts over the course of a whole movie. But Jaa matches Jackie’s whole movie stunt quota in a few minutes during this chase. The choreographers and set designers must have worked together very hard to weave this obstacle course. For me, the “holy shit” moment struck when Jaa did an aerial cart-wheel between two panes of glass. Contrary to Chan, we see little humor. But there is one priceless moment that I don’t want to over-explain, so I’ll just give you three words: “Knives for sale.” Good timing and brutal irony give this single grinning clip of the movie a solid Bugs Bunny/Road Runner flair.
(Ong-Bak chase scene clip)
Jaa’s level of integration of free-running and acrobatics with martial arts is rare and, frankly, he makes it look effortless. Stunts that I’ve never seen before are in no shortage in this movie. (I’m saying that after watching Jackie Chan movies for more than twenty years!) Like a good martial arts movie, it’s all about the stunts and fight scenes and we are only occasionally inconvenienced with the reminder of Ting’s duty to recover the Ong-Bak head.
The major fighting action takes place back at the fight club where we meet combatants with goofy names like Ali, Big Bear, and an ex-boybander who looks like Howie (seriously) from the Backstreet Boys. The boybander is named Mad Dog for his predisposition for getting “smashy” with random, improvised weapons. Here we see the bulk of the combat choreography, which is more brutal than carefully planned. Rather than having long technique exchanges with elaborate striking, blocking and counterstriking, we instead see more abrupt, painful execution of elbows and knees to the head and chest. Then flying knees to the chest and double elbows drilling down on the skull.
The third act (acts one and two being the chase and fight club, respectively) takes place at a cave lair of sorts where Jaa showcases his ability to perform tandem targeted 540’s, a couple of 720’s, and some 540 and 720 horizontal corkscrew-flair check-kicks. When you’re watching the last 20 minutes of the movie and see a whole lot of acrobatic movies you can’t name, that’s what those are.
Tony Jaa is the greatest gift that martial arts has given us in a long time. Watch this movie!
Stay tuned for a warning about the sequels.
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John’s Horror Corner: Devil
Hello all. Mark Here. Read this great review then watch Devil. It deserves a chance. You will not regret it.
Devil (2010)
By John Leavengood
MY CALL: When a movie can seize our attention during the opening credits and maintain it throughout—well, we’re in for something good. An impressive score, ominous but beautiful cinematography and exquisite camerawork transform this movie from “decent” to a very different and enjoyable experience. It strikes me as well-written and well-acted by a team of underrated actors. It’s not gruesome or horrifying, but it kept me on my toes and, more importantly, kept my attention continuously. This expanded one-act is a gem in an era where moviemakers place more attention in trailer-editing than movie production. [B+ ]
IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Quarantine, same director, scarier, eerier, even less plot.
FOR THE SUPERFANS: This is the first film of three in Shyamalan’s Night Chronicles Trilogy.
Folks, let’s give credit where it’s due. If you skipped this movie just because Shyamalan’s name was attached to it then you made a mistake. I’ll start by pointing out a key difference between this Shyamalan movie and all others: Shyamalan wrote it but did not direct it. All of his other movies, which admittedly went downhill after The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, were both written and directed by him. I’d also like to point out that the ideas for all of his movies had the potential to be great—really great. But for any movie you need not only a proven director, but the right director for the movie in question. I think they got the director right on this one: John Erick Dowdle, who directed Quarantine, the American adaptation of the Latin phenom [REC].
The movie opens with a cautionary tale about the Devil, who occasionally gathers a group of ill-fated humans to torture them one by one before stealing them away to Hell. Cut to the opening credits we see an impressive metropolitan cityscape showcased in a distorted, upside down view to set a mood of unease—or excitement for movie thrill-seekers. The score, as if architected to accelerate heart rates, compliments the visual overtones well. I am immediately on my toes, waiting to pick out the wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing before a single hits the screen.
The characters include a bereft, alcoholic detective who doubts his ability forgive, two elevator-surveillance security guards, two attractive twenty-somethings (a man and a woman), a floor security guard, a testy old woman, and a well-dressed mattress salesman. The game starts when we see the latter five step onto the elevator. From this moment on, a talented movie analyst might be auditing each character’s wardrobe for red or anything “diabolical”. But red is found on the attire of a few of them, as well as hints of red on the fabric walls of the elevator, one character’s hair, the lit buttons and the digital floor number display. Nothing is obvious, which makes random suspicions free game!
Interspersed with the director’s attempts to bait us into snap judgments as to who is “the Devil” are elevated shots of the city, some with views looking straight up or ominously down the side of their reflective, windowed surface and others shuttling through the elevator shaft. The devout, Hispanic security guard (who has been doubling as an effective narrator) chimes in with his theological fears or additional details to the story which opened the movie. As tension rises, we are left to wonder if the five on the elevator are the only people gathered by the Devil, or if the detective and surveillance security were carefully chosen as well.
Suspicions shift readily and regularly. We periodically learn new details about the characters which could be hints or red herrings. Expressions of fear, accusation, anger and disgust festoon the faces of our elevator players. In screenwriting they say that you don’t put a gun on the wall in Act One unless it’s going to fire in Act Three. Let’s just say it feels like this wall belongs to the NRA president.
This movie was fun and unique. As serial-moviegoers isn’t that what we want? Something different and enjoyable? Something that doesn’t feel like a recycled idea with a new director and different actors? If you feel the same way, then give Shyamalan a mulligan and try this movie out!
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Die-ner (Get it?)……..actual title
Hello all. Mark here. I asked my friend VJ to write about a terrible film we watched last Tuesday. If you look at the pic above you will see the BMT crew was skyped in. VJ is on the right. BMT started in Tallahassee over a year ago and it blossomed into an epic night of badness. Megan and I may have moved but we keep the tradition alive. We have watched such classics as Sharks in Venice, Creature of Darkness and every Dolph Lundgren flick. If you look through the Bad Movie Tuesday archives you will see that many of these movies are covered. Check out Vj’s review
Die-ner (get it?)…………actual title. I wasn’t adding the (get it) to be funny
Ok for this review I’m going to go out of the ordinary and copy a real plot summary of the movie “Die-Ner”
“Homicidal Ken (Josh Grote) makes quick work of graveyard-shift waitress Rose before storming the kitchen to dispatch with cook. Ken stuffs the two stiffs in the walk-in freezer, and finds his escape thwarted by the sudden arrival of Rob and Kathy, A tense situation turns downright volatile when Sheriff Duke Purdett arrives shortly thereafter, and Ken’s previous victims come stumbling out of the freezer in search of some fresh flesh to munch on. With the zombie uprising in full-effect, Ken does his best to devise a plan that will allow him to flee both the law and death in one foul swoop.”
From reading this the movie sounds like it could have potential, but don’t let that fool you! This is Patrick Horvath’s only movie for a good reason. This is my version of the meeting that took place between Patrick and the other “filmmakers”
Random friend of Patrickhey Pat, I just found $20 on the street!
Patrick hey random friend that’s great, why don’t we use that $20 and go eat at John’s parent’s diner. (John walks in)
John-hey guys look at this Panasonic gs500 video camera circa 1995 I just bought from a garage sale.
Patrick-hey wait, $20, and a Panasonic gs500 video camera from 1995, I’ve got a great idea!!
And thus Die-ner was born.
No actual description of the movie is needed, just imagine yourself back in high school, sitting in the class you hated the most, with the teacher you constantly wished death upon lecturing to you, all while trying to deal with the worst hang over you’ve ever experienced…then multiply that by 11 and you might be able to come close to the opening scene of “DieNer.”
After what might be the worst opening scene in movie history our serial killer finally gets to work taking care of the lone waitress and turns a butter knife into a deadly throwing weapon wiping out the guy eating pie, and the cook soon after.
Quick nod to gun control…Guns don’t kill people, butter knives used as throwing knives kill people!
Enter our bickering couple.
The movie has already taken a turn for the worse…but now it makes a U-turn back to double badness. The serial killer slaps on an apron and proceeds to take the couples order! That’s right, murders three people and decides to take over for the recently slain waitress.
We get more horrible dialog from the couple for a while, and get to meet the dopey police officer. The police officer ends up having a highly heightened sense of smell. He constantly asks “what’s that smell?” I assumed he was referring to the dead bodies in the back. Now I’m no expert and I’m not on CSI, but I am fairly confident that bodies don’t start to smell two minutes after they are murdered. The serial killer uses the excuse the cook burnt something, but nothing was cooking…your guess is as good as mine.
Now what we have all been waiting for! Some mascara and Halloween costume makeup, and boom our waitress and cook have come back to life. These two acting as zombies is without a doubt the best acting done in the movie.
The only other highlight is that the serial killer somewhat resembles Ed Norton.
To sum up the rest of the movie that I was able to sit through, the dopey cop is the only one to get bit by the zombies…not sure what happens to him, assuming he dies. The bickering couple and serial killer spend a few minutes pushing the zombies with broom sticks and eventually duct tape one to the floor! After that it just became too much and the only solution was going 500 years into the future to watch Jason hack up some people from the future…if you haven’t seen Jason X it is a must watch. Everything you would expect from a Jason movie and even a few things you didn’t see coming.
One final note on Die-ner, the description of the plot I copied and pasted above says the serial killer has to find a way to flee the law and a fate worse than death. The guy is in a diner with two scared people, a cop who has had his neck ripped open by a zombie, and the zombies are either locked in a freezer or taped to the floor! Oh and did I mention he has the cops gun?! Yes, sadly gave up the butter throwing knife for a gun. This is an easily exit able situation, and yet he feels the need to stick around…
Patrick Horvath, thanks for ruining a perfectly good Tuesday night!
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