Bad Movie Tuesday: The Best Worst Sequels Round 4
The 32 have become four. Four films that are so bad they’ve become awesome. The badness is appreciated and celebrated. These battle hardened films (check out rounds 1, 2, 3) all share one thing in common. They are the third films in wildly successful series. It proves that the second film is always louder and the third is always dumber. Blade Trinity, Matrix Revolutions, X-Men: The Last Stand and Jurassic Park 3 are ready to rumble and win by any means necessary. Will raptors who speak to each other defeat Jessica Biel and her battle headphones? Can Trinity’s 77 minute death monologue put The Juggernaut to sleep?
Before I start with the polls I would like to discuss a scene from X-Men: The Last Stand. A man with regenerating arms is fighting Wolverine. Wolverine cuts off his arms time after time and the man keeps coming after him with a smile on his face and a snicker coming from his mouth. What is Wolverine’s solution? He kicks the regenerating man in the balls. What I love is that somebody wrote that and they actually filmed it! It is dumb incarnate and kinda soul crushing. X-Men: The Last Stand made me long for the Daredevil and Elektra days where Colin Farrell was flicking peanuts in old ladies mouths. The great thing is that it is still 10 minutes shorter than Trinity’s death speech in Matrix Revolutions.
Sidenote: I have only watched The Matrix Revolutions once. I have no clue how long the death scene was but it felt like a lifetime. All I could think about were the 17 steel poles that exploded through her chest. In a world of computers inside computers and a savior named Neo battling machines in Zion the only unbelievable thing was that scene.
Can long death scenes and nut shots conquer incredibly smart raptors and a wise cracking Ryan Reynolds? Does anybody remember Wesley Snipes in Blade: Trinity? I do remember that Parker Posey convinces the FBI that Blade has killed 1,182 people. I remember the oddness of listening to headphones while fighting hundreds of vampires. I remember a lot of walking in slow motion.
Did I mention that Raptors speak to each other in Jurassic Park III. I was hoping for subtitles so I could get a glimpse into these brilliant creatures minds.
Raptor 1: Wasn’t he in the first film?
Vote! These bad movies need your support. Why? Without all of this fabulous badness these movies would just be bad. Great movies win Oscars. Terrible movies win Razzies. What do good bad movies win? This tournament is a start. The raptors would have lots to talk about.
Vote! Tell me why you voted. Comment. Like. Share. Thanks!
Movies, Films & Flix 
With a few “givens” and “if then” statements, the X-Men: Last Stand writers were on firm medical ground…
Evidently Wolverine’s regenerating foe ONLY regenerates when tissue is cut AND feels no pain when he regenerates cut tissue. However, hematomas on testicles–not being cuts but rather macerated cell clusters–do not regenerate and, as such, hurt like getting kicked in the nuts should.
Either way, 17 poles through the chest should hurt more–but not more than a 77 minute death speech. My money is on Matrix: Revolutions!
I am still not sure why X-Men is on this list. I mean, It has its low points for sure (e.g. the whole Golden Gate bridge part to name one). On the other hand, They did pay homage with the line “Do you know who I am? I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch!” (Reference to… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSuvOVH0aSQ )
Plus, Famke as the Dark Phoenix is so OMG hot (pun half-intended?)!
Ryan Reynolds is never cool.
The only problem with the third person juggernaut reference was that he was stuck in the floor via Juno trickery. Also, Hot OMG Phoenix just stood behind Gandalf and did Blue Steel for two hours.
Oh yeah, the delivery of the juggernaut reference was terrible, as was the whole Juggernaut character in the movie but I like the novelty of the referencing some small internet video for all the fanboys. Somewhere some geeky script-writers high-fived for that one. Trinity’s death is long but the ‘Neo as Christ’ scene seemed longer than the trip to Mordor.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ryan Reynolds is always cool! In fact, he runs Blue Steel circles around Dark Phoenix’s zoned out, “don’t ask me I’m just a supervillainous girl” face. He should have delivered Juggernaut’s homage quote for him since Reynolds really had just as much, if not more business playing Juggernaut than Vinnie Jones–not that I don’t love Vinnie Jones–were it not for his future fate to have the Deadpool character ruined on film despite an exquisite combat choreography performance by Scott Adkins..
Ah. Great point. There were some high fives because of that scene. That is kinda cool. However, In their moment of glory they were reminded of the scene where a mutant hunts Wolverine with a baseball bat. They quickly scurried back into their lairs of nerdom and mountain dew.
I the only thing I remember about the “savior scene” were some bright lights and Neo dead. I think I blocked it out.
I’m all Jurassic Park 3 here. Though now I’m broke and jobless I have dreams of owning a Ford Raptor truck. Not a big car/truck guy, but man I really love those Ford Raptors. I recently found out the inspiration for the Ford Raptor was the resonating chamber of said dinosaur in JP3. The body design for the Ford Raptor was 11 years in the making. One of Ford’s lead designers was overtaken by the perfect pitch of the resonating chamber, and thought, “how can we re-create this sound into the most bad ass truck ever?” The designer went on to take the problem solving skill of the velociraptor, and morph that into his truck. Very few movies can stake claim to the introduction of the most technology advanced truck on the market today. Thanks JP3 for inspiring the last true American car company to produce its greatest feat of engineering since the Model T. John Hammond would be proud, and Dennis Nedry would more than likely try to steal DNA from the Ford Raptor to sell it to GMC in an attempt to duplicate its success.
*technologically advanced truck
I agree with John. I read your comment VJ and wasn’t quite sure where it came from but I knew it was perfect. Fantastic stuff!
VJ: To quote the Ragin’ Cajun in Old School after hearing Will Ferrell’s blackout brilliance in the decathalon debate, “We have no response. That…that was perfect.”