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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Best Worst Sequel

October 8, 2012

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The 32 have become one. One film stands above the rest. A film that people love despite the 26% on Rotten Tomatoes and complete lack of cohesion. A film that has dialogue so clunky it hurts the soul and makes you wonder how the same guy helped write The Dark Knight.  However, the badness is mixed with some fantastic moments of violence, head kick montages, leather jackets and lots of flexing

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If you haven’t noticed the winner is Blade: Trinity. The movie fully deserves the victory and every other other subsequent bad sequel award ever. If you haven’t read the other tournament posts catch up here with 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.

The best part of this film is that Blade not only kills 1,182 vampires he also demolishes all subtlety. It tells you everything and features dumbness supreme and quotes aplenty. For instance, they have to rehash the Blade/Whistler relationship in seven seconds.

Blade: “You worry too much old man.”

Whistler: “I’ve been doing since before you were born. You are like a son to me.”

For every bad bit of dialogue there are lines like this from Ryan Reynolds:

“You made a vampire Pomeranian?”

“I ate a lot of garlic and I just farted.”

“Coc* juggling thunder c**t.”

Or you hear Parker Posey say:

“Are you getting enough fatty acids? have you tried lake trout or mackerel?”

This is a weird movie. It is equal parts inept and hilarious. You don’t quite know what to think about it. You go from confused, annoyed, happy and back to annoyed many times. To analyze this film too deeply would lead to a rabbit hole of never-ending questions and you’d eventually find yourself walking slow motion and pointing guns in stylish ways.

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There is one thing that is clear. In the Blade World cleaning up vampires has never been easier. They explode into ash and disappear. It made me long for the Dracula Dead and Loving it  explosions (watch the blood explosion here.) Blade: Trinity is a mixture of convenience (lightsader) and comedic actors (Patton Oswalt). The main bad guy is a deep-V loving Dracula who looks like an extra from Interview with the Vampire. There is an added scene in the directors cut when he marvels at Count Chocula and kills two unsuspecting goths who run a vampire store. He is the oldest vampire alive but he still runs from Blade and kidnaps babies. This modern day Drake makes the Dracula from Dracula 2000 or John Carpenter’s lead vampire look three dimensional.

There are so many slow motion walking scenes in this film I wonder if it could have been cut down to 20 minutes of fights and gratuitous bicep flexing.

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As I’m writing this there is a scene where hundreds of cops have Biel, Reynolds and Snipes surrounded. A car comes out of nowhere and picks them up. The cops unload hundreds of bullets (they all miss) and the crew drives away. Nobody follows them and it is simply mind-blowing in ways that Inception could never match.

It is a tale of two different movies. Blade is all business and the night stalkers are all jokes. Together they walk slowly and kick people in the face. Wesley Snipes did zero press for this film and Jessica Biel told interviewers that he never talked to her or Reynolds. I can understand why. He carried the two prior fantastic films and now he has two muscular people taking over his film series. The intro of the film tells us that the nightstalkers were just along for Blade’s ride. However, more time is spent on Jessica Biel montages than building Blade’s character. I don’t remember a single line Blade spoke. I do remember the Rocky 4 style montage involving Biel’s arrows and not Dolph Lundgren fists.

I’d place most of the blame on the director David Goyer. He is a fantastic writer (Dark City, Blade 2, Batman Begins, Jumper, Man of Steel) but his directing borders on soul punching (Unborn, Invisible). You can see what he wanted to do and managed to get a likable cast who got ripped out of their minds. He also matched De-Generation X member HHH with generation-X queen Parker Posey. He then put everyone in stylish duds and made HHH wear an ill-fitting polo.

Blade: Trinity succeeds in being equal parts dumb and entertaining. The dumb isn’t distracting because it is entertaining. This is proven with the tournament victory. Many voted. One movie won. Blade: Trinity is the rare daywalker of bad movies. Watch it. Love it. Walk in Slow motion.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. VJ Long permalink
    October 9, 2012 8:44 pm

    Solid Job on this Best of the Worst!!

Trackbacks

  1. Bad Movie Tuesday: The Best Worst Villain Round 2 | Movies, Films & Flix
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