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11 Cinematic Trees I Wouldn’t Want in My Front Yard

October 22, 2015

I recently watched a screening of The Last Witch Hunter and it got me thinking about dangerous trees. In the film there is a “plague tree” that is home to the witch queen and it is probably the worst thing ever. The tree exists so that plague flies can grow in it until they are ready to wipe out everybody. In honor of that jerky tree I’ve compiled a list of trees that I would not want in my front yard. Some of these trees are not evil or jerky. However, the occurrences around them would spell disaster for homeowners and would leave us as frustrated and confused as the people in The Happening. 

Happening Trees

Pretty much all the vegetation was jerky in The Happening. 


The Last Witch Hunter Plague Tree

Why? – It wants to kill everyone.

It would take up tons of acreage and would spell doom for humanity. Another negative is that you would have to deal with constant influx of crusaders looking to burn it down. Good luck having the fire department trying to put out a “plague tree” fire.

Tree witch hunter


The Evil Dead Tree

Why? – You know why.

If this tree was in my front yard I could probably never have visitors.

Evil Dead 2 tree


The Ernest Scared Stupid Tree House

Why? – Attracts too many trolls.

How annoying would it be if you built a beautiful tree house then learned an evil troll was using it to rouse his minions. A child’s worst nightmare.

Ernest tree


The Hometree From Avatar That Sits on Top of a Bunch of Stuff That Corrupt Miners Want

The last thing a homeowner needs is to be stuck in the middle of a war between humans and blue people. Also, if a branch falls off that thing your house is done. Nobody will insure it.

Hometree Avatar


The Harry Potter Whomping Willow

Why? – You could never park your car in the driveway.

I understand the positives of the tree but it is way too unpredictable to have in your front yard.

Whomping willow


The Sleepy Hollow Tree of Blood and Summoning Power

Why? – Nobody wants to deal with what comes out of it.

The last thing you need is having a headless horseman jumping out of the tree and attacking your dinner guests.

sleepy hollow tree


The Wizard of Oz Jerky Slap Tree

Why? – They are grumpy jerks who complain when you eat their fruit.

You are giving it free rent and you can’t eat its apples. That is not cool.

Oz tree


The Poltergeist Tree Who Attacks Little Children

Why? – Total Jerk

Kids already have enough nightmares. Why would you add a tree bully who is up to no good and loves property destruction.

Poltergeist tree


Pan’s Labyrinth Toad Tree of Gross Bugs and Toads

Why? – Yuck

I love Pan’s Labyrinth but I wouldn’t want this tree on my lawn. Too many curious people would visit and I don’t want to deal with toads who offer immortality in their bellies.

Pans tree


The Conjuring Tree That Dead Witches Hang On

Why? – It would always make people feel weird.

I know people wouldn’t be able to see what was hanging on the tree but I wouldn’t risk it. Everyone would look at it and think it was evil.

Conjuring tree


The Guardian Tree Who Sucks People Into it and Can Bond With Evil People

Why? – The tree eats people.

If you move into a house I suggest you check each tree to make sure it hasn’t eaten any babies.


11 Comments leave one →
  1. John Leavengood permalink
    October 22, 2015 9:10 am

    Wow. I haven’t thought of The Guardian in over a decade. LOL.

    I’d add the original Evil Dead tree (it was more evil than the remake tree)…or perhaps they were, in fact, the SAME TREE!!! Dun Dun DUNNNNNNNNN. Although the tree was notably more cruel and perverse in the original.

    The tree from The Last Unicorn was weird, too.

    • October 22, 2015 9:15 am

      I should have added the trees from Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2 and the Evil Dead remake haha. I think they are different. All jerks though.

  2. October 22, 2015 10:01 am

    Awesome post!

  3. October 22, 2015 12:14 pm

    Killer post! Excellent idea and rockin’ prose to boot!

    • October 22, 2015 12:17 pm

      Thanks! Glad you liked. It was fun to write.

    • John Leavengood permalink
      February 14, 2019 8:36 am

      This has remained one of my favorite things to ever grace the MFF site!


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