MY CALL: The actors all did fine, the writing was fine, but everything on-screen involving La Llorona felt more watered down than the lack of effective use of the weeping woman’s tears. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Curse of La Llorona: Well, The Conjuring (2013; podcast discussion of The Conjuring 2), Annabelle (2014; podcast discussion of Annabelle), The Conjuring 2 (2016), Annabelle: Creation (2017), The Nun (2018) and Annabelle Comes Home (2019) round out The Conjuring Universe.
We are introduced to Anna and her children with a positive yet haphazard energy scrambling to get ready for school and work (Los Angeles, 1973). A social worker, misunderstood widow and single mother Anna (Linda Cardellini; Bloodline, Scooby-Doo 1-2, Strangeland) truly cares about the children and families in her caseload. During a home visit regarding a truancy violation, Anna finds that a superstitious Mexican mother has padlocked her terrified boys into a closet with a glyph-inscribed door.
Of Mexican folklore warning children to listen to their elders, La Llorona (Marisol Ramirez) was the weeping woman who might steal them away to replace her own lost children. Director Michael Chaves (The Conjuring 3) might have fumbled his opening scene (Mexico, 1673) introducing us to La Llorona, but at least he fares very well in doing justice to his heroine. The jump scares, however, are largely just okay, often predictable, and not very “jumpy.” Overall, the “horror” of this horror film feels rather weak, over-telegraphed and uninspired. Were some of the scares a bit fun? Sure. But most disappointed more than entertained.
It was as if the evil spirit herself forgot her own motivation when she’d push a child down the stairs rather than grab him to steal him away, or just stand there menacingly instead of advancing upon her unwitting victim, or grab a child’s wrist to burn them and then disappear. Chaves’ greatest “scare success” (and only marginally so if I’m being honest) was in the tension of the bathtub scene with Anna’s daughter. But Mirrors (2008), Slither (2006), What Lies Beneath (2000), Final Destination (2000), A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) and Shivers (1974) have made bath tubs forever unnerving in the genre. Other minor successes were the clear connection to Annabelle (2014) and the “egg shaman” scene. Both should have landed far better than they did—but still, they were appreciated.
Seeking help, Anna turns to Father Perez (Tony Amendola; Annabelle) and Shaman Rafael (Raymond Cruz; Dusk till Dawn 2, Alien: Resurrection, Gremlins 2). In the absence of Elise (Insidious) or the Warrens (The Conjuring), Rafael is our second-rate exorcist. Classic staples such as candles and crucifixes are present, along with rubbing eggs on thresholds and some tongue-in-cheek humor.
Not since Case 39 (2009) has a social worker ended up with such a bad case, and not since Annabelle (2014) or The Nun (2018) have I been so disappointed by a franchise installment in the Conjuring Waniverse. I feel like all the story-writing and characters and acting were good, but everything Llorona-related (on-screen) seemed to fail in execution. The weeping woman’s crying and her very tears even felt forced into scenes, whereas they should have been the deepest and creepiest nuance at the filmmakers’ disposal (if handled properly) for cultivation of dread. Honestly, all this really worries me about The Conjuring 3 (same director). Still, not a bad Friday night popcorn flick for the sake of being entertained and then forgetting all about the movie.
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John’s Horror Corner: Wolf Creek (2005), a brutal Australian slasher film that is totally mean-spirited, well-villained and shockingly credible.
MY CALL: Based on a true story (or so says the internet and the DVD cover, I have no idea and wasn’t about to dive down that rabbit hole), this is a truly brutal slasher for fans of credibly cruel, mean-spirited things happening to good people who did nothing wrong and don’t deserve it. That said… loved it. MORE MOVIES LIKE Wolf Creek: More mean-spirited gritty slashers include The Texas Chainsaw Massacre films, The Hills Have Eyes (2006), or even The Strangers (2008, 2018) or The Purge (2013) movies. For more Australian horror movies, try Razorback (1984), Lake Mungo (2008), The Howling III: Marsupials (1987), Dark Age (1987), Rogue (2007), Black Water (2007), Wyrmwood (2014), Charlie’s Farm (2014), Cargo (2017) and Boar (2017; podcast discussion).
As we are introduced to our twentysomething protagonists awash with rum shots, bleary-eyed party montages, “who likes who” gossip, and haphazard vacation plans, I’m reminded of The Ruins (2008), Indigenous (2014) and so many other horror films with the same standard “meet the players” opening. Likable and relatable, Liz (Cassandra Magrath; Scare Campaign), Kristy (Kestie Morassi; Darkness Falls) and Ben (Nathan Phillips; Chernobyl Diaries) set out for Wolf Creek deep in the Australian Outback for a camping adventure only to find themselves stranded when their car won’t start.
As luck would have it, a rustic local stumbles across them and offers a tow back to his camp, where he’ll fix their car and put them up for the night. Mick Tayler (John Jarratt; Boar, Rogue, Next of Kin) seems friendly, but an awkwardly backwoods kind of rough. But, far from the nearest town… what choice do they have but to accept his kindness?
Mick is a surprisingly rich character. He explains the history of the outback’s abandoned towns, dust storms, and his work shooting varmints and water buffalo that encroached on farmlands… and all delivered with an off-puttingly Deliverance-ish (1972) sense of humor. Yet such alarming social cues receive no action from our wayward travelers because, once again, what would these three travelers do otherwise?
Never boring us with exposition along the way Wolf Creek takes its time, peppers scenes warning about remote landlocked locals and resource scarcity, and lets us patiently settle into our characters for an hour before any horrors transpire. But once it starts, it’s heavy. Mick is ruthlessly cruel and takes tremendous joy in the torment of his victims as he breaks them down as much psychologically as he does physically. Well beyond his actions, his irrefutable comfort in his own menace inform us that he’s quite seasoned in the pastimes of torturing, raping, flaying and hunting his victims.
With a dismembered torso hanging about, Mick’s décor may momentarily remind you of Wrong Turn (2003) or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre part II (1986). But he’s far more “human” than those inbred hillbilly cannibals—yet every bit as scary. Mick enjoys talking to his victims as he toys with them, lops of fingers with his big knife, and he gleefully severed one’s spinal cord to render her helpless. In retrospect, the “amount” of violence isn’t nearly as high as so many similar movies. But the violence within is sheer brutal soulnessness. And so it leaves a powerful impression. Mick Taylor is an excellent villain.
Written and directed by Greg McLean (Rogue, The Belko Experiment, Wolf Creek 2), this is a film in which the worst possible fate befalls our protagonists and they have done nothing to deserve it. They had no reasonable choice but to accept Mick’s offer to help… and for that, they suffered in this excellent Aussie slasher!
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Xenophobia (2019), a clunky Sci-Fi anthology film about alien abduction victims and their stories.
MY CALL: Among the worst Sci-Fi anthologies or Sci-Horrors through which I’ve suffered—it ranks among the worst of modern “bad movie” fare. WHAT TO WATCH INSTEAD: Much better alien abduction fare can be found with Fire in the Sky (1993), The Fourth Kind (2009), Dark Skies (2013), Extraterrestrial (2014) and even the marginal Alien Abduction (2014). For more redeeming Sci-Fi anthologies go for The Twilight Zone (1959-1964, 1985-1989, 2002-2003, 2019), The Outer Limits (1963-1965, 1995-2002), Amazing Stories (1985-1987), Oats Studios, Vol. 1 (2017), Electric Dreams (2017-2018), Black Mirror (5 seasons; 2011-2019) and Love, Death & Robots (2019). Also check out Dust on YouTube.
Disclaimer: Screener access was provided by a PR/Media group/company. However, I was not paid or compensated to write this nor were there any conditions to my receiving viewing access other than my solicited review.
Members of an alien abduction support group recount their traumatic experiences.
Cast/characters: Nick (Baker Chase Powell; Dismembering Christmas), Melanie (Angie Stevenson; Piranhaconda, Devil’s Domain, Sons of Anarchy), Becky (Kristen Renton; Sons of Anarchy, Ghouls), Matt (Alexander Kane) and Deacon (Scott King; Puppet Master X: Axis Rising)
Not 30 seconds into this film I felt like I was watching a Syfy Channel direct-to-TV movie-of-the-week in the late 90s. The film quality, video-era special effects, sound effects and acting all haphazardly fell in line. The alien creature effects range from perfectly passable (briefly enjoyable even) to God-awful while appearing quite dated—except for the extensive care placed on an aliens’ nostril movements and blinking, the attention to which went highly appreciated among the other drivel.
The human abduction scene bore a freshman film school clunkiness and borrowed heavily from Fire in the Sky (1993); a camping couple finds a hokey glowing crystal (worthy of Spencer Gifts) in the woods that ends up growing out of a dude’s chest (for no reason at all) as if it was Velcro’d onto his shirt; a babysitter fends off a rubber alien octopus puppet (clumsily puppeteered); some paranoid women unconvincingly torture a man; and people transform into aliens to take over the world (errrr, the support group).
The most entertaining parts of the move (and perhaps the only entertaining parts) were when an alien octopus swallows a baby whole (only on-screen in part) and the very The Thing-esque finale special effects goregasm. Unfortunately, the 80 minutes of suffering that led to these scenes would hardly make the viewing worth it. And I say that as someone who often happily sits through 70-80 minutes of bad 80s horror in exchange for 10 fun minutes at the end (e.g., Spider Labyrinth, Night Feeder).
Directors Joe Castro (Terror Toons 1-5), Thomas J. Churchill and Steven J. Escobar (Frankenfake) have nothing to brag about with this demonstration in poor filmmaking, painful writing and phoned-in special effects. So little effort was expended on this film that I struggle to understand why it was made. Sure I watched it… but I saw a free screener and now I just want to warn you away from it. And if this review denies me further screeners (like this), I’ll have no regrets.
Ultimately, this feels like the 2019 movie that gets roasted in Mystery Science Theater 20 years from now in like 2039. I suppose for anyone seeking something they can laugh at may find pleasure in this. But this isn’t even the kind of “bad” movie I’d normally enjoy or recommend.
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You can tell Zane loves being in this movie.
The MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re talking about the 1995 cult-classic Tales From the Crypt: Demon Knight. Directed by Ernest Dickerson, Demon Knight is a fun horror film that pits demons against some very unlucky hotel guests. We love this movie because of its practical effects, committed performances and surprise final girl. In this podcast, you will hear us talk about Third Eye Blind, demon piercings and William Sadler’s cheekbones. If you are a fan of Demon Knight, you will love this episode.
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast #210: The 1980s Comedies and David Fincher Movie Football Draft
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Audrey II is drafted. Great pick.
The MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re using 1980s comedies and David Fincher movies to draft an American Football team. We here at MFF love random drafts, and this one gets really weird as characters from Ghostbusters 2, Gone Girl, The Social Network, Alien 3 and The Karate Kid all get drafted. In this podcast, you will hear us talk about linebacker paintings, plants as offensive lineman and merchandising. If you are a fan of incredibly random podcast episodes, you will love this draft.
Amy Dunne is a first round pick.
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast #209: Major League, Buckets of Chicken and Pitches That Are Just a Bit Outside
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The MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re talking about the 1989 baseball movie Major League. Directed and written by David S. Ward, and starrring Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes, Rene Russo, Corbin Bernsen, Tom Berenger, and Dennis Haysbert, this smash-hit of a movie has aged beautifully and we loved talking about it. In this podcast, you will hear us talk about buckets of chicken, terrible pitches and Bob Uecker being an absolute legend. If you are a fan of Major League, you will love this episode.
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast #208: Celebrating the 20th Anniversary of Deep Blue Sea
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The MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re celebrating the 20th anniversary of Deep Blue Sea. Released on July 28th, 1999, the Renny Harlin directed movie features shocking deaths, inventive set-pieces and a song about shark fin hats (it’s awesome). Deep Blue Sea is one of our favorite films, and we think it’s aged-beautifully, and is still the second best shark movie ever made (Jaws is #1). In this podcast, you will hear us talk about cheeseboards, limb loss and what televisions shows sharks watch. If you are a fan of Deep Blue Sea, you will love this episode.
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Itunes, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean,or Spreaker. If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
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10 Moments in Shark Movies That Seem Absolutely Terrible
I love shark movies, but I’d never want to be a character in a shark movie. The unlucky characters are ripped in half, eaten whole or harassed for hours before being ripped in half. To make it worse, the fictional antagonist sharks carry grudges, grow to insane lengths, and in the case of Jaws: The Revenge, have a psychic connection to the people they are trying to eat. Basically, shark movies put characters in terrible situations, and the following 10 are the worst. I guarantee that you won’t want to be anywhere near these moments.
10. In the Heart of the Sea – In the Water With a Pissed-Off Whale the Size of a Skyscraper
I’m cheating here because In the Heart of the Sea is about whales, and I’m using the poster instead of an actual scene from the movie. However, holy sh*t, how big is the whale in this poster? Is the person going to attack it? It doesn’t matter what happens next, because it’s lights out.
9. The Reef and Open Water – Being Harassed By Sharks While Stranded in the Ocean
Both The Reef and Open Water feature people in terrible situations where they are constantly harassed (or eaten) by sharks. There is no reprieve, rest or hope in these situations, because they’re either going to be nibbled to death by sharks, or eaten quickly by a great white. No thanks.
8. Jaws 3-D – Swallowed Whole By a Shark
Jaws 3-D features a scuba diver being swallowed whole by a great white shark. How terrible would that be? Would you just sit in its body and slowly die? Could the shark digest you? Would you die because your oxygen tank empties? If you’ve ever been swallowed whole by a shark I’d love some answers.
7. Jaws – The Death of Quint
Quint’s death in Jaws is terrible. He slowly slides into the sharks mouth and is chewed up inch-by-inch. Throw in the the pained screaming and blood exploding from this mouth, and you have one of the best deaths ever in a shark movie. I would want to be nowhere near this scene.
6. Deep Blue Sea – Being Eaten while Monologuing
Very few people on this planet have ever had the chance to deliver a rallying monologue to a group of scared scientists. How awesome would it be to motivate people to fight three giant sharks? Russell Franklin (Samuel L. Jackson) had this opportunity, and even though he took his eyes off the water (can’t blame him), It bums me out that he couldn’t finish his speech and save the day.
5. The Meg – Being Chased By a Megalodon
The only person on this planet who could survive being chased by a megalodon is Jason Statham. Every other plebian on this planet would be doomed to a water-logged ride that ended with them being obliterated by a hungry dinosaur.
4. Jaws: The Revenge – Being Eaten While Riding a Banana Boat
Jaws: The Revenge is about a relative of the sharks from the prior films (I think), hunting down the remaining Brodys. During the shark’s hunt, it accidentely kills an innocent woman because it has terrible aim. The shark wanted the Brody kid, but instead, caught a woman who was enjoying a ride on the banana boat. There is nothing worse than paying for a ride on a banana boat, then being eaten halfway through the ride because you’re sitting next to the grandchild of the guy who killed two great white sharks 10 years ago.
3. 47 Meters Down – Saved By the Flare
Imagine this, the shark cage you are in sinks to the bottom of the ocean because the cut-rate shark diving outfit you picked couldn’t afford gear that works. After several harrowing hours, you decide to swim to the surface with a handful of flares. When you get close to the surface you have to wait five minutes — so nitrogen bubbles don’t kill you. Eventually, you get down to your last flare and can’t light it quickly enough — which leaves you in absolute darkness. When you manage to light your last flare, there are three massive sharks surrounding you. I’d quit.
2. Jaws – Being Dragged Around While Skinny Dipping
Imagine going for a swim in the ocean and being attacked by an unseen (but massive) shark that drags you around the ocean like rag-doll. Chrissie’s death in Jaws is one of cinemas greatest shocks, and I wish I could’ve witnessed the audiences reaction in 1975, when Jaws was unleashed upon the world. I can think of only one moment that is worse…
1. Deep Blue Sea – The Prolonged Death of Jim Whitlock
Jim Whitlock’s goes through a lot before he is killed in Deep Blue Sea. First, a shark bites his arm off, then the rescue helicopters winch fails and drops the gurney that he is strapped to into shark infested waters. Once in the water, a 45-foot shark grabs ahold of his gurney and takes him on a long underwater ride that ends with the shark using his gurney to break the glass separating the wetlab (where he was initially attacked) from the ocean. I can’t think of anything worse than what happened to Jim Whitlock in Deep Blue Sea.
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This MFF podcast is back, and this week we’re talking about Sharks in Sweden, a totally fake shark movie starring Dolph Lundgren, Stephen Baldwin and Jeremy Irons. We’ve talked about Sharks in Sweden for a long time here at MFF, so we decided to sit down and dedicate an episode to the worlds only “Shark Heist” movie featuring genetically modified sharks attacking museum goers…in Sweden. In this podcast, you will hear us talk about turtlenecks, decapitations (via shark) and Keith David fist-fighting David Keith. If you are a fan of fully-fleshed-out movies (we cover everything) that don’t exist, you will love our Sharks in Sweden episode.
If you are a fan of the podcast make sure to send in some random listener questions so we can do our best to not answer them correctly. We thank you for listening and hope you enjoy the pod!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!
The poster was made before the movie. You will notice some of the actors don’t appear in the movie.
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What is the Best Shark Movie That Isn’t Jaws?
What is the best shark movie that isn’t Jaws? By removing the best shark movie ever from the list, a whole new world of possibilities open up because we’ve always just considered Jaws to be the stock number one pick (with good reason). I initially thought about putting together a list based on my opinions. But, that’s boring, so I pulled together the shark movies with reliable box office, critical and audience data, and I created nine categories to see how they stacked up against each other.
Here are the movies:
- Jaws 2 (1978)
- Jaws 3-D (1983)
- Jaws: the Revenge (1987)
- Deep Blue Sea (1999)
- Open Water (2003)
- The Reef (2010)
- Shark Night (2011)
- Bait 3-D (2012)
- The Shallows (2016)
- 47 Meters Down (2017)
- The Meg (2018)
*I know there are other shark movies. I just needed to have critical (Rotten Tomatoes, Metacritic) audience (IMDb) and box office (Box Office Mojo) data to include them.
Here are the nine categories:
- Rotten Tomatoes Score
- Metacritic Score
- IMDb Score
- Domestic Box Office
- Best Kill
- Best Shark
- Shark Screen Time
- Kill Count
- Amount of Sharks
The Rules:
- The movie with the lowest amount of points wins
- The Shallows and The Reef both have impressive 79% Tomatometer Scores, so they each got 1 point, because they have the best critical scores. Jaws: The Revenge has a 0% Tomatometer Score, so it received the most points in the category.
- Seven of the categories are based on data
- Two of the categories are based on my opinion
Quick note: I enjoy all of these movies. It’s very hard to make a theatrically released shark movie that I dislike.
11. Bait 3-D – 64 points
Best Moment: A large shark gets blown away by a shotgun
10. Shark Night – 57
Best moment: A Great White Shark gets up to 65 MPH to eat a guy on a jet ski (I did the math).
9. Jaws 3-D – 57
Best moment: The shark moves in slow motion and blows up a window
8. Jaws: The Revenge – 55
Best moment: A lady gets eaten while riding a banana boat
7. 47 Meters Down – 53
Best moment: The flare scene
6. Open Water – 52
Best moment: An ending that punches you in the gut
5. The Reef – 49
The Reef is a gut-punch of a movie that focuses on four people being hunted by a great white shark after their boat capsizes during their trip to Indonesia. Based on a true story, The Reef looks great on a tiny $3.8 million budget and a lot of the credit goes to director Andrew Traucki, who also directed the fun creature feature Black Water. I love how it focuses on an inferred threat, while still featuring a decent amount of shark action. The Great White’s presence is always felt, and while watching it again, I kept finding myself stressed out, despite knowing what was going to happen. You should check it out, it’s currently streaming on Shudder.
Best moment:The initial great white attack is super tense
4. The Meg – 39
It’s Jason Statham vs. a giant shark, nothing more needs to be said. It was a smash hit at the box office ($145 million domestic, $530 worldwide) and the critical scores weren’t terrible (46% RT and Metacritic). I think the fourth spot is accurate, because it’s not as insane as it should’ve been, but it still features a giant creature trying to eat Jason Statham. How awesome would it be if Statham and Crank 1 & 2 directors Brian Taylor and Mark Neveldine reunited for the sequel?
Best moment: There are multiple megalodons
3. Jaws 2 – 37
Jaws 2 is a solid sequel that adopts a “this sequel is unnecessary, so we’re gonna turn the violence to 11” style of storytelling. I love that the sharks face is burnt during a bonkers boat attack in the beginning of the film, because it looks super badass as it takes down helicopters and eats teenagers. I remember this movie scared the crap out of me when I was younger, because it focuses on a massive animatronic shark attacking teenagers who need way bigger boats. Also, it pulled in a very impressive $300 million (adjusted for inflation) at the domestic box office, which is a massive haul for any film.
Best moment: The boat attack and explosion is gnarly
2. The Shallows – 32
The shark in The Shallows is one of my favorites (if not my favorite) because it holds grudges and is straight-up mean. Director Jaume Collet-Serra (Non-Stop, The Commuter) loves placing characters in desperate, time-dependant situations, then, putting them through the absolute wringer. Blake Lively crushes her role as a resourceful surfer, who is stuck on an isolated rock while an incredibly-mean great white shark circles her endlessly. The Shallows is a lot of fun, and I’m pretty sure you will love Steven Seagull.
Best moment: The jellyfish attack. It looks really cool.
1. Deep Blue Sea – 21
Deep Blue Sea is a perfect summer popcorn movie that features fun kills, inventive set-pieces and great animatronic sharks (The CGI sharks are soul-crushing though). I love that director Renny Harlin (Die Hard 2, The Long Kiss Goodnight) was given $60 million dollars to tell an original R-rated movie featuring genetically modified sharks chasing scientists around an underwater facility in the Pacific ocean. You won’t see many movies like this anymore, and I think that’s why it is still beloved by people like Stephen King and Brian Raftery. Also, the sharks are on screen a lot, and it features the best kill of any shark movie (including Jaws)
Best moment: Russell gets interrupted
Let us know your rankings in the comments!
Movies, Films & Flix 