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SUMMARY: Last week we discussed Tom Holland’s Fright Night (1985) and the documentary of the making of the film (You’re So Cool, Brewster). This week we explore the merits of the Fright Night (2011) remake, CGI versus iconography, and its dynamite cast. We’ll address why was there no Billy Cole or wolf form, modernized characters and David Tennant’s new spin on Peter Vincent, vampire turning farms, and what would happen if Green Room (2015) and From Dusk til Dawn (1996) crossed paths as we answer some inspired Listener Questions.
Check out Episode 133: Fright Night (1985 vs 2011), part 1.
For more horror podcast discussions, check out…
Episode 129: The Babysitter
Episode 128: A Cure for Wellness
Episode 126: The Shape of Water, del Toro’s gill-man love story
Episode 123: The Ritual, Swedish hiking and the Norse Jötunn
Episode 117: Event Horizon, Hellraiser in space, and wrestling Graboids
Episode 116: Happy Death Day
Episode 115: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Episode 114: Office Horror, Mayhem & The Belko Experiment
Episode 113: Elise, her Demons and the Insidious Franchise
Episode 108: The Best Horror Films of 2017
Episode 78: Carpenter vs Zombie Halloween Rematch (1981 vs 2009)
Episode 76: The Blair Witch Pod (1999 vs 2016)
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
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From ‘The Whole Nine Yards’ to ‘A Sound of Thunder:’ The Rise and Fall of Franchise Pictures
There I was 27, from Thailand, living my dream and working with an A-list crew, kicking ass and getting great footage, all while staying on budget and on schedule. We were the only movie made by Franchise Pictures that did that by the way, something I’m weirdly still proud of. Wych Kaosayanada – Director of Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
When Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever celebrated its 15th birthday last September it felt necessary to do a deep dive into the movie because I wanted to find some cheeky stuff to add to my ever-expanding collection of dumb data. I didn’t find anything worth writing about but I did learn about the production company that made it happen. Between 1999 and 2007 Franchise Pictures released a torrent of films that underwhelmed at the domestic box office and left many critics scratching their heads (30% Tomatometer average). 26 of their films were released in theaters and only two of them (Half Past Dead, The Whole Nine Yards) made their budgets back domestically. After eight bonkers years, the production company eventually closed down amid lawsuits, financial failures, and bankruptcy.
Franchise Pictures was the brainchild of a dry cleaning, real estate and independent film producing tycoon named Elie Samaha. In a profile in 2000 with The New York Times, Elie was fresh off his success with The Whole Nine Yards and was in fine form for the profile. In the article, he talks about his process of buying films in turn around (cheaper), letting actors film their passion projects (they take pay cuts) and cutting production costs (shortened production schedules). His idea to bring in A-list talent to film their passion projects was inspired, but what he didn’t realize is that A-list talent doesn’t mean box office rewards or A+ films. For instance, Elie’s first massive flop and eventual bringer of demise was Battlefield Earth.
Battlefield Earth was adapted from a novel by L. Ron Hubbard and carried with it a lot of controversies. Elie ignored the naysayers, called John Travolta and told the actor the project he had been trying to get off the ground for 15 years would finally happen. The math behind Samaha’s guarantee for success made sense in a warped kind of way. Basically, Travolta had ruled the 1990s box office and Battlefield Earth only needed to make $35 million domestically due to Samaha selling off the foreign rights to distributors. So, Samaha was pretty sure with Travolta’s clout his big-budget science fiction epic would be a monster hit that would propel him into the Hollywood big leagues.
Battlefield Earth is not good.
In the same New York Times profile, John Ptak a senior agent at Creatives Arts Agency was justifiably skeptical of the success and almost seemed to know where Franchise Pictures and Battlefield Earth was headed with this quote:
”Elie’s first real test will be ‘Battlefield Earth,”John Ptak says. ”Elie listens and he’s charming. But that stuff’s all Act 1. This is a three-act business. Act 1 is style and personality and relationships. Act 2 is creating the avenues and highways to put the cars on. And Act 3 is creating the actual cars, which are the movies. You need all three acts to be successful. The Whole Nine Yards proved something. We’ll see if Battlefield Earth can continue on that road.”
Battlefield Earth was the first big flop ($21 million domestic) and it lead to a stream of very bad films. The avenues and highways were created, but the cars were breaking down all over the place. After Battlefield Earth crashed and burned like a “baby Psychlo on a straight diet of Kerbango,” Franchise released 18 more films into the theaters. Seven of them had inflated budgets over $60 million and they proved to be Franchise’s undoing. The films averaged a 12.25% RT rating and none of them recouped their budgets at the domestic box office. Here they are:
- Battlefield Earth (2000) – 3% – Travolta Passion Project
- The Art of War (2000) – 16%
- Get Carter (2000) – 12% – Stallone Passion Project
- 3,000 Miles to Graceland (2001) – 14% – Costner Passion Project
- Driven (2001) – 14% – Stallone Passion Project
- Angel Eyes (2001) – 33%
- Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002) – 0%
- A Sound of Thunder (2005) – 6%
On paper, they sound pretty great (Race cars! Assassins!) but something was off about every single one of them. They all fell flat and the majority of them including the lower budget offerings had behind the scenes issues that affected them. The writer of Battlefield Earth released an apology, James Franco said Tristan & Isolde suffered from major rewrites and Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever director Wych Kaosayanada (Kaos) was kicked out of the editing suite and also endured many rewrites. Kaos did a fantastic interview with Film Combat Syndicate and he broke down his side of the filmmaking process. I love what he had to say about the title.
“And one last on all of this – the original script was called Ecks vs Sever. It was decided that the title didn’t work. So because of my love for Bullitt, I suggested Ballistic be inserted into the title, but it ended up being Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. That pretty much sums everything up right there.”
The most notorious of their notoriously bad films is Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. The 2002 film is the worst reviewed movie of all time and is one of the rare films that is so bad it hasn’t accrued a diehard cult audience who worship its badness. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever tells the story of two people beating up other people while many things move in slow motion and fireballs erupt everywhere.
Franchise Picture’s first curious decision was to bring in a young director named Wych Kaosayanada (AKA – Kaos) who had only one independent film to his resume and put him at the helm of a $70-million-dollar action spectacle that would be set in Bangkok. Looking to cast Vin Diesel, Chow Yun-fat and other big names they eventually settled on Antonio Banderas and Lucy Lui. Due to 9/11, the film was relocated to Vancouver and the massive budget was used to flip a lot of cars and make Vancouver look very smokey.
After Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever crashed and burned, Samaha, impressively put together $80 million via international distribution deals to film the big-budget science fiction film A Sound of Thunder. The film went through the initial behind the scenes turmoil and eventually, Franchise went bankrupt leaving the film with little money for post-production. The finished product was really bad and Franchise Pictures was no more.
A Sound of Thunder is comically bad.
Franchise Pictures left behind a legacy of bad films and a strategy of what not to do when producing movies. Their films have mostly been forgotten, but I hope Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever can hold on to the 0% Tomatometer legacy for another 15 years. Franchise Pictures worked very hard to achieve that honor and it’s a fond memory of Elie Samaha’s short reign in Hollywood.
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John’s Horror Corner: Demonoid (1980), a B-movie about a murderous disembodied crawling hand.
MY CALL: Really mistitled, this should be considered a passable B-movie about a murderous crawling hand. That said, this is a serviceable B-movie perhaps worth your time for a single viewing—but that’s probably it. MORE MOVIES LIKE Demonoid: For more horror movies that happen to take place (in part) in Mexico, try Hellraiser: Revelations (2011), Dolly Dearest (1991) and The Ruins (2008). Also, consider The Crawling Hand (1963) and Idle Hands (1999) for better killer hand fare.
Director Alfredo Zacarías (The Bees) gives this film a strong opening as a preternaturally powerful (or perhaps possessed) woman battles hooded cultists in a torchlight cavernous lair. The scene is complete with one-handed neck breaks (by the woman), some robe-tearing rapey boob-loosing exploitation shots typical of the 80s (e.g., The Haunting of Morella), and an awesomely campy-gory shot as her hand is chopped off with an ax leaving it to crawl off on its own! PS—This will be the highlight of the movie.
Flash forward to present day, and these caverns are now a silver mine in Mexico owned by Jennifer (Samantha Eggar; The Brood, The Uncanny, Curtains, The Astronaut’s Wife) and her husband Mark Baines (Roy Jenson; Soylent Green, The Car). However, his miners are reluctant for fear of an ancient curse: the curse of the Devil’s Hand.
Deep within the mines Mark and Jennifer discover an ancient chamber complete with quicksand booby traps, a temple with a creepy one-handed demon statue, and a silver hand-shaped container filled with dusty remains—which would later reform into an undead crawling hand.
This demonic hand goes on a body-swapping and re-severing killing spree across Las Vegas and Los Angeles. The special effects shenanigans include low budget face-smushing deaths, fiery possession-compelled suicide, a mutilated skinless zombie-thing, flying prosthetic hands flung about at victims’ faces, a really dumb boxing priest scene, an even dumber syringe stab-fight, various other stabbings and amputations, and lots and lots of crawling severed hand!
Jennifer recruits the help of Father Cunningham (Stuart Whitman; Night of the Lepus, Eaten Alive, The Monster Club) to track down the evil extremity. And speaking of which, apparently a “demonoid” is simply the hand or whomever the hand has momentarily possessed. Sadly, the cool demon statue from the movie poster never comes into play.
Despite its strong opening, this movie weakens considerably into something haphazard and uncompelling. It can certainly be enjoyed for its silly badness, but I’d say this is a one-and-done with no redeemable rewatchability.
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John’s Horror Corner: Chaw (2009, aka Chawu), a Korean film about a boring giant killer boar.
MY CALL: This film completely failed me on all levels. It was boring, unexciting, terrible effects and CGI, no gore, and the alleged “comedy” was horribly executed. MORE MOVIES LIKE Chaw: For more (and better) killer pig films, try Razorback (1984), Pig Hunt (2008) and the upcoming Australian film Boar (2018). For more Korean horror, I’d recommend Train to Busan (2016), The Wailing (2016), I Saw the Devil (2010), Thirst (2009) or The Host (2006).
I love foreign horror films. LOVE THEM. But, admittedly, “reading” films can pose a challenge to one’s attention to the visual cues, timing and tone. Subtitles can result in a lot being lost in translation, and subtitles often paraphrase resulting in a change of perceived context. Yet, with this film, I cannot help but to feel that the writing is weak, highly simplistic, and that the frequent attempts at hokey comedy are cheap and uncompelling. I’m just not buying into it… and that sucks.
A small town outside of Seoul finds its share of excitement when a recent grave is dug up and the local police force investigate. After another body appears and it’s evident that a large wild animal is responsible, the local police try to keep everything quiet in their famously crime-free village until things get out of hand. It feels a bit like the premises of Hot Fuzz (2007) and the mayor from Jaws (1975) are behind this.
Eventually a professional hunting team is hired and they fail—catching the much smaller female mate and effectively just pissing off the big bad male. After the big bad boar wreaks havoc on the village celebration, the villagers take things more seriously, setting traps with claymores and dutifully working together to track the beast to its lair.
So… the boar is really a bore—sorry, I couldn’t help myself. Really bad CGI effects fail to bring any credible life to this Korean-ScyFy movie-of-the-week monster. Even as some scenes deliberately echoed the classic Razorback (1984), I couldn’t get into it. The effects were too lousy, the scenes never felt dire, and nothing is ever exciting. Even the chase scenes are flat and uninspired, and gore is hardly present at all. Nothing relevant transpires onscreen. Worse of all, the finale battle with the boar was lame—even boring. [Sigh.]
Despite my recent obsession with giant killer boar films, writer/director Jeong-won Shin (To Catch a Virgin Ghost, Ghost Sweepers) has royally failed to entertain me. Terrible writing. Terrible and boring. I watch a lot of bad movies and, quite frequently, I manage to find the good in them. However, this may be my most regrettable movie of the year so far. I find noting redeeming about it.
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MY CALL: This feels like two shorter movies back to back—one is a gory Alien (1979) riff, the other is a light-hearted yet gooey play on E.T. (1982). Weird, gory, a bit funny, and surprisingly worthwhile. MORE MOVIES LIKE Star Crystal: For more low budget Alien (1979) rip-offs, you should seek Contamination (1980; aka Alien Contamination), Alien 2: On Earth (1980), Scared to Death (1980), Galaxy of Terror (1981), Forbidden World (1982; aka Mutant), Inseminoid (1982; aka Horror Planet), Parasite (1982), Creature (1985; aka Titan Find), Creepazoids (1987), Blue Monkey (1987), Nightflyers (1987), Deep Space (1988), The Terror Within (1989), Shocking Dark (1989; aka Terminator 2, aka Aliennators), The Rift (1990), Xtro 2: The Second Encounter (1991), Dark Universe (1993) and Zombies: The Beginning (2007).
Directing his first film (of only two in his career), Lance Lindsay follows in the heavily-treaded tracks of Alien-copycats before him with this surprisingly entertaining B-movie that ambitiously covers a LOT more ground than you’d expect.
During a 2035 Mars mission, two working class astronauts recover a Martian moon rock with a unique electronic signature (whatever that means). But if Alien Contamination (1980), Species (1995) or Apollo 18 (2011) have taught me anything, it is to NEVER trust space rocks or minerals! Naturally, this rock is more than it seems and starts emitting gas and leaking glowing goo before it “hatches” a sort of crystal and a squeaking pulsating alien thing (perhaps analogous in size and form to a chestburster).
Shortly after meeting our chipmunk-sized alien, the spaceship engine shuts down and a loss of oxygen leaves the crew dead and blue-in-the-face. Two months later a subsequent crew recovers the wreckage… along with a now bigger, gooier, pulsating glowing alien thing with a bulbous body and very long tentacles (much like The Boogens (1981) or The Kindred (1987)).
About 10 minutes into the running time, watch out for sculptings of the Millennium Falcon on the doors of a space station and another that might just be a Starship Enterprise moments later. This is more than a cheap homage… the extensive use of quality models and set design continue to impress me.
The model spaceship design and sets are ambitious for a low budget feature (much as Creature), the pacing is actually quite pleasant (not making us wait for 45-60 minutes for anything interesting to happen), and the acting is far more competent than most films of its kind and loaded with smarmy dialogue.
The special effects include blood spurts, dripping slime, monstrously life-drained melty corpses, gooey alien slime-molting, and some fun tentacle monster attacks that get ample screentime. Instead of a facehugger parasite, our alien has a tentacle with three claws that attacks victims’ faces, and our xenomorph’s body looks like a mucus-glazed translucent E.T. (1982) with big neotenous eyes. And like E.T., this alien can speak, has the powers of telekinesis, and just wants to go home.
From here the film transmutes into something much more light-hearted and even somewhat humorous as we lead to an unexpectedly happy ending for both our alien and the surviving crew members of the ship. How’s that for a change of pace?
All said, this was among the more entertaining Alien (1979) rip-offs I’ve seen. Not just for it’s weird approach, but the care and vision behind it. Oh, but it’s still a B-movie. Make no mistake!
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Forget Dinosaur Soldiers, Here are 10 Movie Monsters the Military Should Use for Military Operations
The idea behind the military folks in Jurassic World wanting to turn dinosaurs into super-soldiers never sat right with me. The amount of money, time, research, development and resources needed would cost in the billions and the result would be unpredictable. Why not train more soldiers or build nanotechnology to infiltrate enemies lairs? Why would a tiny
velociraptor be better than a spy satellite? Despite it being a horrible plan, I still love the idea of militarized movie monsters, so I’ve come up with 10 movie monsters who would be better soldiers than the dinosaurs in Jurassic World.
Let us know which monsters you’d love to see on a military mission.
1. Gremlins – Gremlins
I 100% guarantee the military would regret unleashing Gremlins on their foes because it would result in a deadly apocalypse. All it would take is a tiny rainstorm to transform the small unit into a world killing amount of intelligent monsters who would keep spawning until there is nothing left. The world would be over, but the military operation would be a success.
It would be the end of the world if it rained on a crew of Gremlins.
2. Graboids – Tremors
If the military could train a Graboid to run underground missions that destroy pipelines and bunkers it be would game-over for their foes. We already they are smart and can plow through any type of terrain, so it isn’t far-fetched that they could become military contractors.
Death from below.
3. Penguins – Batman Returns
I think they are adorable and it would really confuse villains when they see hundreds of armed penguins slowly approaching them. I guarantee nobody would expect a surprise attack via penguin and an added bonus is they could be released far from their targets because they have no problem marching for long distances.
Adorable and deadly.
4. Smart Sharks – Deep Blue Sea
The sharks took out a sea laboratory by themselves, so I don’t see them having any problems with submarines, boats or coastal ports. They already know how to work as a team and it really wouldn’t take much to get them trained and ready to go.
The sharks are great at sneak attacks.
5. Tribbles – Star Trek
I know they are from a television show but a Tribble invasion would be very easy to set up. All you have to do is dump a few of them on enemy territory and give them a few days to totally overpopulate the place. It would be a slow and terrible invasion.
Just drop them and wait.
6. Xenomorphs – Alien
This would be the most unpleasant option of the 10 because trained Xenomorphs are a high risk, high reward option when it comes to military options. They would wreck havoc on enemies, but the majority of the people training and arming them would die too.
The Xenomorphs are nightmare creations
7. Mist Monsters – The Mist
If the military could control the mist the creatures travel in it would be a crazy effective weapon. However, the book/movie proves they can’t control it, so it would be another high risk, high reward option. The Mist monsters would be absolutely terrifying for opponents, but who knows if they would actually do what they are told because we all know Mist monsters are flaky (no proof of this).
These monsters are nightmare creations
8. Crites – Critters
The Crites are dangerous criminals who eat people and don’t care about the law. They also lay a lot of eggs and are almost impossible to exterminate after they are let loose. This makes them perfect for military operations but terrible for everyone else.
You need to watch this clip
9. The Merman – Cabin in the Woods
I’m not sure how successful the Merman would be, but I know he would try really hard to accomplish his mission. We here at MFF love the Merman and have tracked his movements and even declared him the winner of our sea beast tournament (listen to the podcast). Just give The Merman a tiny unimportant mission and we guarantee he’ll accomplish it.
The Merman will get its prey at all costs.
10. Psychic Shark – Jaws: The Revenge
This shark is a combination of the It Follows monster and the sharks from Deep Blue Sea. It is smart, vengeful and always knows where to go to kill its prey. The best part about this shark is how it always sticks to the mission and has a one-track mind for success. I’m pretty sure it will never abandon a mission and will swim massive lengths to attack its foes.
The shark planned this…
Which movie monsters would you pick? Let us know in the comments
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Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
SUMMARY: This (and next) week we discuss Tom Holland’s Fright Night (1985), a contemporary vampire film loaded with gooey practical special effects and humor; and discuss the documentary of the making of Fright Night (1985) (You’re So Cool, Brewster), covering the inspirational behind-the-scenes story of the film. On our banterous journey we muse the best (i.e., our favorite) vampire films, the role of Billy Cole (and what he actually is), and the wonderfully charming vampire neighbor Jerry. Next week (in part 2) we’ll move on to the Fright Night (2011) remake!
For more horror podcast discussions, check out…
Episode 129: The Babysitter
Episode 128: A Cure for Wellness
Episode 126: The Shape of Water, del Toro’s gill-man love story
Episode 123: The Ritual, Swedish hiking and the Norse Jötunn
Episode 117: Event Horizon, Hellraiser in space, and wrestling Graboids
Episode 116: Happy Death Day
Episode 115: Bram Stoker’s Dracula
Episode 114: Office Horror, Mayhem & The Belko Experiment
Episode 113: Elise, her Demons and the Insidious Franchise
Episode 108: The Best Horror Films of 2017
Episode 78: Carpenter vs Zombie Halloween Rematch (1981 vs 2009)
Episode 76: The Blair Witch Pod (1999 vs 2016)
Download the pod on iTunes, PodBean, Stitcher or
LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOG TALK RADIO.
Please SUBSCRIBE, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE.
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With the World Cup upon us, I figured I would create a “World Destroyers Cup” bracket that pits 16 earth destroying (or attempting) movies against each other. I started with 32 movies, cut it down to 16 and did way too much analysis into who would win. I am really happy with the final result and I think the 16 movies represent many facets of earth destruction.
I don’t want to bore you with all the matchups, so I’m going to highlight a couple of them to explain how I figured out the champion.
Rita Vrataski is awesome. Edge of Tomorrow is the best. I love hyperbole.
How did Avengers: Infinity War lose to Slither?
Avengers: Infinity War has already made two billion at the international box office so I don’t think it cares too much that it lost here. What I love about director/writer James Gunn’s 2006 movie is how bloody, funny and gross it is. The tiny budget was stretched perfectly and it’s always nice when an original science fiction story hits the theaters. I watched it again recently and really appreciate the practical effects, cheeky characters, and inspired dialogue. Here is a small taste of the beautifully weird dialogue.
Jack MacReady: [Jack & Bill are discussing what caused Grant’s transformation] It’s obvious the bastard’s got Lyme disease!
Bill Pardy: What?
Jack MacReady: Lyme disease. You touch some deer feces, and then you… eat a sandwich without washin’ your hands. You got your Lyme disease!
Bill Pardy: And that makes you look like a squid?
Why Edge of Tomorrow?
Some people might be shocked by it beating Independence Day but I legitimately think Edge of Tomorrow is a better movie. Edge of Tomorrow is easily one of the best action films of the 21st century and I love how it combines a Groundhog Day plot with an alien invasion. It features fantastic performances from Emily Blunt and Tom Cruise and I can’t wait until the sequel hits the theaters. It deserves to be #1.
.
Let me know who you think should win in the comments!
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The MFF Soccer Squad: A Collection of Cinematic Characters Who Would Easily Win the World Cup
With the World Cup on the horizon, I thought I’d put together a cinematic soccer squad that would give Brazil, Spain, and Germany a run for their money. I’ve previously put together an American football squad (podcast here) and a basketball team (podcast here) and I believe this team rivals the weirdness and talent of the previous squads. I went out of my way to make it as eclectic as possible and I hope you enjoy!
Let me know which movie characters you would add to the team in the comments.
Elastigirl – The Incredibles – Goalie
Pros – I have no clue how anybody could score a goal on her.
Cons – Disappears occasionally so she can fight crime.
She would keep a clean sheet every game.
Gandalf – The Lord of the Rings/Hobbit – Central Defender
Pros – “You Shall Not Pass!!” Gandalf is an unstoppable defender who would never let a striker get past him. He would be a great captain and would also provide the fireworks for when they win the World Cup.
Cons – He goes on too many adventures and smokes a bit too much.
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Bryan Mills – Taken – Central Defender
Pros – Bryan Mills would work extra hard to make sure nobody kidnaps the ball from him. Also, his skill set is impressive
Cons – He gets a lot of red cards.
TAKEN 2 © 2012 EUROPACORP – M6 FILMS – GRIVE PRODUCTIONS. All rights reserved.
Come at me, bro.
Mystique – X-Men/X2 – Left Back
Pros – Mystique is a great athlete who confuses opposing teams when she becomes one of them on the field.
Cons – Sometimes she forgets which team she’s on and scores a lot of own goals.
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Mickey Haller – The Lincoln Lawyer – Right Back
Pros – This defense attorney has a game plan for everything and I guarantee nobody can outmaneuver him.
Cons – His cardio is suspect and he argues with the referees too much.
.
Nigel Gruff – The Replacements – Central Midfielder
Pros – Gruff’s experience would be invaluable in the midfield because he could keep the ball moving forward and he would be a constant long-ball threat. I see him taking all the free kicks and he would be the go-to guy for any penalty shots.
Cons – He is old, out-of-shape and is a nightmare around reporters.
.
Sue Storm (The Invisible Woman) – Central Midfielder
Pros – She is invisible and can steal the ball from anyone.
Cons – She is invisible and her team doesn’t know where she is most of the time.
.
Rama – The Raid – Left Midfielder
Pros – Rama has cardio for days and his soccer kicks would be lethal for anybody willing to take him on.
Cons – His high-kicking exploits result in lots of penalties and you’d better keep him away from fans rushing the field
.
Black Dynamite – Black Dynamite – Right Midfielder
Pros – Black Dynamite could hold-up the ball with ease and create time for his teammates to get up the field. Also, he has great Kung-Fu which would aid him with his kicks.
Cons – Nobody can interrupt him during his training and he doesn’t like to play defense.
.
Lestat – Interview With the Vampire – Forward
Pros – The only thing on this planet who can run faster than Tom Cruise is a vampire Tom Cruise. The dude would have cardio for days and I guarantee the opposing defense would hate chasing him around.
Cons – He can’t play at night.
The problem is he can only play night games.
Walker – Timecop – Striker
Pros – Not only is Walker a great striker but he could go back in time to change the result of any game. He would win the Golden Boot easily. I’m predicting 78 goals just in the group stage.
Cons – He thinks spin-kicks are a useful soccer skill and all of his stretches revolve around splits.
.
Bench
The Sarlacc Pit – The Return of the Jedi
The Blob – The Blob
Deadpool – Deadpool
Ren McCormack – Footloose
Trantor the Troll – Ernest Scared Stupid
Fezzik – The Princess Bride
Black Widow – The Avengers
Godzilla – Godzilla
Selene – Underworld
Brienne of Tarth – Game of Thrones
Rey – The Force Awakens
Who would you pick to play on your World Cup squad? Let me know in the comments!
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MY CALL: Definitely one of the weaker Alien/Aliens rip-off films and boasting little in the way of creature effects or gore. You could do a lot better. This is best left to 80s B-movie completists. MORE MOVIES LIKE Shocking Dark: Xtro 2: The Second Encounter (1991), The Terror Within (1989) and Zombies: The Beginning (2007) provide shameful Aliens rip-offs while Lady Terminator (1989) provides an exquisite and supernatural Terminator (1984) makeover. For low budget Alien (1979) rip-offs, you should seek Contamination (1980; aka Alien Contamination), Alien 2: On Earth (1980), Scared to Death (1980), Galaxy of Terror (1981), Forbidden World (1982; aka Mutant), Inseminoid (1982; aka Horror Planet), Parasite (1982), Creature (1985; aka Titan Find), Creepazoids (1987), Blue Monkey (1987), Nightflyers (1987), Deep Space (1988), The Rift (1990) and Dark Universe (1993).
IMDB synopsis: “In a polluted future Venice, researchers work to improve the situation. One day, unknown forces start killing them. A team of soldiers and a couple of civilians are sent to investigate. Soon, they encounter strange murderous creatures.”
Director Bruno Mattei (as Vincent Dawn; Hell of the Living Dead, The Other Hell, Zombie 3) clearly held the 1986 playbook tightly to his chest. We have our shady company representative, a Ripley-ish scientist, a bitey feral Newt character, and our rough-around-the-edges Colonial Marines (here named the Omega Force). Like “bad movie” sprinkles, we find needless racism, top dog locker room banter and nunchucks as we meet our shotgun-toting future soldiers (including Geretta Geretta; Demons, Rats: Night of Terror, 2020 Texas Gladiators).
The dumb dialogue and one-take rough-cut scenes create a strong exploitation film vibe—just without all the sex, nudity, monster rape and (sadly) gore. Many of the scenes are carbon-copies of Aliens (1986) with positively no soul to them. Sadly, even the monsters were phoned in, in terms of creativity. But sometimes we enjoy clunky monsters. They can give us something to giggle over.
The monsters are super slimy fish people that feel closer to Humanoids from the Deep (1980) than xenomorphs, with some attention to making them look like the star gazer engineer. The effects are limited to their rubber suits and their slimy mouths. The monsters move slowly and stupidly, posing no real menace as they slowly reach their giant claws towards victims and are swiftly dispatched with one shot like a FPS videogame. We basically see no gore or guts, and I was also disappointed they didn’t copy other life stages (i.e., body forms) of the alien or elements of chest-bursting—probably all due to budget constraints. If I’m being honest, this is pretty weak even for a B-movie.
As if this movie wasn’t silly enough, our Ripley and Newt characters time travel away from the ichthyoid xenomorphs only to be followed by a double-crossing member of their crew who turns out to be an evil Terminator who chases them around Venice. And while all this probably sounds like a laugh riot, it’s surprisingly unengaging—on the verge of boring. Sigh. As such I’d give this a weak recommendation, suggesting that only Aliens-riffing B-movie completists venture into this territory.
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