MFF Podcast #43: Advice for Cinematic Henchmen
Hello all. Mark here.
You can listen to the MFF podcast on Blog Talk Radio or you can download it on Itunes. If you get a chance please make sure to rate, review and subscribe!
Cinematic henchmen occasionally make very stupid decisions. They fight on moving vehicles, attack the Incredible Hulk and apply for jobs in secret lairs. Their poor decision making has spelled their doom and it has gotten boring. So, I wrote up 10 pieces of advice and we recorded a spirited podcast that will help the henchmen of this world.
Don’t be the henchmen who gets knocked out by a well-thrown rock.
As always we answer incredibly random questions and wax poetic about whether or not Kurt Russell waxes his mustache. If you have any random questions for us please comment below or message us on Twitter/Facebook.
Enjoy the pod!
Head over to Blog Talk Radio or Itunes!
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The 10 Best Moments of 21st Century Horror Films
I love horror movies. There is an art to developing exceptional horror films and when a director/writer can capture dread, urgency and surprise they can create iconic moments that live on in infamy. The following post explores my 10 favorite horror moments of the 21st century. There have been hundreds of movies and thousands of moments but I’ve narrowed it down to my favorites. You will love them.
What are your favorite moments?
1. The Car Park Fight – Drag Me To Hell
I beat you, you old bitch!
Leave it up to Sam Raimi to provide an entertaining brawl between an elderly gypsy woman and a young heroine. In one fight we get an old woman being stapled in the face, dentures exploding out of a mouth and a full on face gumming. It is a bonkers fight that is pure popcorn fun. Sam Raimi knows how to entertain and he adds levity to the horror which makes every fight surprising. I love every second of this fight and consider Drag Me To Hell to be my favorite horror film.
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2. Spelunkers vs. Crawlers – The Descent
What makes these creatures scary is that they are acting on instinct. There is no lame back story (I did learn on the commentary they named one Steve) or motives. They are human enough to keep the fights even and this allows the brawls to be barn burners. The stage direction was limited as director Neil Marshall told the actor in the creature suit to “go for the neck,” then he told his actress “don’t let it get your neck.” The simplicity kept it believable and raw. These confrontations do not seem rehearsed and they play like a classic predator/prey hunt. The coolest thing that Marshall did was wait to show the actresses the creatures until the initial introduction. The reaction was fear and the phrase “they scared the living daylights out of me” was heard multiple times.
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3. The Monsters Are Unleashed – Cabin in the Woods
I want to see a movie with each and everyone one of these monsters/creatures/witches/Kevin. I love Cabin in the Woods and I agree with the internet when it claimed it was the best horror film of the 21st century.
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4. The Lipstick Demon Makes an Appearance – Insidious
Insidious is a tour de force of beautiful low budget horror. The red lipstick demon is a massive jerk and the moment when he appears behind Patrick Wilson you are scarred for life. I love the trilogy and no other film series has stressed me out more.
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5. The Townsfolk vs. Vampires – 30 Days of Night
Tristan Sinns of Dread Central wrote an amazing review (Ebert quoted it) for 30 Days of Night. I love the way Sinns discussed the vampires and the incredibly effective bird’s-eye view attack scene.
The vampires of 30 Days of Night bring new energy to the mythos and they do this in practice by simply being more primitive. This type of monster is so out of the mold of the modern take on vampires that it is fair to call them more of a werewolf archetype than a vampire. Vampires, on the whole, are creatures with the power of seduction; while werewolves are monsters of rage. These particular vampires have rage aplenty and are so good at killing that they’ve no need, at all, to seduce anything. They are filthy, ugly things, and they don’t care if you like them; they only care if you’re dead.
In 30 Days of Night, director David Slade has proven he has a knack for tense contextual horror; those awful situations that manage to creep right under your skin. The townsfolk’s fight to survive is a horrendous and passionate battle. There’s one shot in particular that is simply stunning; a bird’s eye view of a frozen street, panning slowly over the breadth of nearly the entire town, capturing a long and frenzied battle between the vampires and their victims. This shot goes on and on and does so much to impress the impact and scale of the devastation and horror faced by the small Alaskan town.
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6. Running Away – 28 Weeks Later
The urgency and hopelessness in this scene is heartbreaking. I remember sitting in the theater holding my breath as Robert Carlyle ran desperately through the field. 28 Weeks Later is a nasty piece of film making and it is one of the rare horror sequels that is actually good.
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7. The Empty Streets of London – 28 Days Later
Watching Cillian Murphy walk the empty streets of London really stressed me out. You sit there waiting for the inevitable violence and you cringe everytime he yells. Without this setup you wouldn’t understand the scale of what happened and many zombie films owe a debt to 28 Days Later.
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8. People Meet Monster- The Host
The Host is cheeky, inventive, bloody, funny and beautifully made. The initial monster attack is a thing of glory and I can never get enough of it. I lived in South Korea for a year and whenever I went to Seoul I would always look for the monster (it could happen). You need to watch this movie.
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9. I’m Not Welcome – Paranormal Activity
Paranormal Activity is a tiny $11,000 film that exploded in the theaters. It placed a camera in a static position and managed to create more scares via dread and anticipation than I could’ve ever imagined. The best thing about PA is that it introduced us to an incredibly jerky demon that loved to pull bed sheets and occasionally drag people out of rooms. There is a moment that I love when a paranormal investigator walks into the house and immediately realizes he needs to go because it isn’t safe. PA did something many movies fail to do. It created a villain that scared the crap out of the audience (until they named it Toby)
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10. Shaun is Oblivious – Shaun of the Dead
What I love most about Shaun of the Dead is how they featured an incredibly rehearsed and ambitious two-minute steadicam shot. The moment isn’t about terror, violence or showing off. The shot centers around a slacker making his way to a shop while not noticing the carnage around him. He is so checked out that he doesn’t notice the blood he slips on or slow-moving zombies all around him. It is a moment of pure cinematic nerd glory and proves that this film about two dudes, a lady and a pub is a lovingly made zombie film. Viva la Cornetto and Edgar Wright!
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Bone Tomahawk: A Fantastic Horror Western Full of Lyrical Dialogue and Ultra-Violence
Bone Tomahawk is a beautifully written horror western that plays with multiple genres while creating memorable characters. It takes its time getting to the violence and I applaud that decision. I understand why it has stayed on the fringes of the mainstream because it can’t be categorized and features lots of patience and extreme body mutilation. Director/writer S. Craig Zahler pulled off a $2,00,000 dollar miracle and worked wonders with a brief 21 day shooting schedule. It is rare when a tiny horror western can gather such a great cast and gets nominated for multiple Independent Spirit Awards.
The story revolves around a group of men hunting down some cannibal Troglodytes. Their native burial mounds were molested (by David Arquette of course) and in their quest to get back their weird skulls they kidnap a local nurse named Samatha (lili Simmons) and drag her back to their mountain cave. What follows is like The Searchers met Green Inferno and spawned something completely original.
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I love the pairing of Kurt Russell, Patrick Wilson, Matthew Fox and the fantastic Richard Jenkins. The four men bring something different to the table and they get to each build their own character while spouting great dialogue. This hurts my soul to say but Kurt Russell is overshadowed by his costars. Normally, Russell is the best part of any film but Richard Jenkins (Cabin in the Woods) steals the show. Jenkins deputy character is a good man who has seen war and lost his beloved wife. At first glance he comes across as the town jester but as the film moves along he becomes an immensely likable and original character. Jenkins gets the best dialogue and I loved this line in particular.
You know, I know the world’s supposed to be round, but I’m not so sure about this part.
Their journey will inevitably lead them to doom but it all plays out unexpectedly. The violence is ugly and when it starts you almost want to cover your eyes. The $2,000,000 budget limits the sets and action set peices but it also makes the film more creative. I was talking about the film to MFF co-writer John and he was shocked to know how tiny the budget was. Bone Tomahawk is a tiny film that feels expansive and almost epic.
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Bone Tomahawk exemplifies the recent crop of horror hybrids that are making a name for themselves by being very good films. They take recycled tropes and make them fresh by solid casting and legit dialogue. They aren’t content telling the same story and they’ve taken it upon themselves to build new mythologies and worlds.
Watch Bone Tomahawk. Don’t molest Troglodyte burial mounds. Appreciate Kurt Russell’s beard.
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Sorceress (1982), a raunchy 80s fantasy movie featuring naked twin barbarian women, a floating manticore God and the dumbest magical prophecy ever.
MY CALL: This ranks pretty low even if you enjoy bad 80s R-rated fantasy. There’s nudity, raunchiness, dumb dialogue, one scene with a neat monster, stupid magic spells and a satyr peeping Tom. If that sentence doesn’t make you want to see this, then you don’t want to see this. MORE MOVIES LIKE Sorceress: Do you like this 80s badness? How about Flash Gordon (1980), Kull the Conqueror (1997), Krull (1983), Conquest (1983), Deathstalker (1983), The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984) and Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987). All of these movies are better than Barbarian Queen (1985) in every possible way except for amply breast-filled minutes of screen time. Like all the fantasy but don’t care for all the “bad”? Let’s try Legend (1985), Beastmaster (1982), Conan the Barbarian (1982), Conan the Destroyer (1984) or Willow (1988) on for size. ALTERNTATE TITLE: The Barbarian Women.
This movie is so bad that even IMDB totally phoned in the synopsis, which reads as follows: “Sword and sorcery story of the cosmic struggle between white magic and black magic.” I’m pretty sure this just described every movie featuring magic ever made. Thanks for the clarification, IMDB. <<Drops the mic and walks away>>
“Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagic! I’m spelling you!!!!!”
The story is shaky at best–but this should come as no surprise from a campy 80s genre best known for even having its strong lead female protagonists get naked (e.g., Barbarian Queen). Some evil wizard needs to sacrifice some woman’s first born child to summon some sort of monstrous demon thing. There’s just one problem, the woman had twins and the evill wizard needs to know which twin was first. With me so far…sort of? Good.
Like a fairy godfather, Krona (Martin LaSalle) the good wizard bestows unto these twin girls the powers of sword and sorcery. It’s about as easy as Neo uploading kung fu in The Matrix (1999), but without the HDMI ports in the back of the head. The twins, Mira (Leigh Harris) and Mara (Lynette Harris), are so clueless into their early 20s that they don’t realize there is a difference between boys and girls and, as such, don’t think to hide their lady parts from the opposite sex. They don’t even understand what sex is. This is really convenient for this kind of semi-smutty movie and the campiness that ensues is barely tolerable.
Meet the twins “disguised” as very leggy boys. Pretty legit costumes.
I totally bought that they were boys.
They “glow” with magical power!
And kick really high.
The action is laughable in an awesomely bad way. A guy catches a spear and throws it back, Mara catches an arrow bare-handed, and all combat seems to be a fumbling tumble of silliness. Unfortunately the action falls short in all ways compared to even other bad 80s sword and sorcery films–leaving this movie very low among their ranks for overall entertainment value.
Just a random, VERY misleading movie poster. The women don’t have those physiques or fight in string bikinis, no clue what’s going on with the floating planet or jaguars there, and the badass Norse God-lookin’ dude turns out to be really lame!
The manifestations of magic are a tribute to low budget early 80s fantasy. That is to say, they look awful! LMAO. Don’t worry, you should enjoy it.
And another misleading poster/cover having nothing to do with the actual movie. There is no dragon, there is no woman in a 3-horned helmet and there is no warrior woman in a battle thong. This…THIS…is how they get us to watch these movies. LIES. SORCERY!!!!!
Written by Jim Wynorski (Chopping Mall, Deathstalker II, The Haunting of Morella–don’t be fooled, these three movies are much better than Sorceress) and directed by grindhouse champion Jack Hill (under the pseudonym Brian Stuart; Coffy, Foxy Brown, Switchblade Sisters), this exploitation fantasy filth leaves no raunchy stone unturned–seizing every opportunity for breasty sophomoric thrills. A woman’s panties must be revealed (on-screen) before disemboweling her (off-screen), breast-feeding prefaced with commentary of “how full” her breasts are, our naked twin heroines skinny dipping in a river who naively try to figure out what “that thing hanging between his legs” is before kicking their voyeur’s ass, peasant women are raped, there’s a threat of death by anal impalement, and Mara learns what it means to be a woman…yeah, it’s all pretty classy over here.
Yeah, so here’s the most skeazy-looking satyr EVER and the Norse God-looking guy from that lying movie poster. Talk about buyers’ remorse.
The evil wizard Traigon (Roberto Ballesteros) evidently has three lives and self-resurrects at a predestined location if killed (kind of like FPS games), his scantily clad ally (Ana De Sade; Caveman) has a servant in an evil gorilla suit, an awkward satyr incessantly “baahs”, the town bazaar boasts what seems to be an outdoor strip club, there’s a gorilla assault, and for the finale there’s an undead army
In the end, simply uttering a magic word dispels some enchantments and summons a pretty spiffy looking good manticore God (basically a giant floating lion with bat wings) which snarls and spews lightning at this disembodied head of an ugly disfigured evil woman god. This is accompanied by a large scale melee of sword fighting that is yawnably awful. Just pure shit.
Meet the Manticore God thing…he’s a good guy….clearly!
Manticore God meets floating ugly witch face.
Pew, Pew, Pew!!!!!
The sword and sorcery genre peppered bad movies throughout the 80s, but this is easily one of the least pleasurable installments even for lovers of campy, dumb movies. This isn’t to say I didn’t enjoy it at all. But I’ll probably never watch it again and prefer pretty much all other such films of the decade above this one.
Happy ending for this guy!
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John’s Horror Corner: Altered States (1980), an intellectual mix of body horror, intense psychological horror and a wacky ending.
MY CALL: This underrated mix of body horror and psychological horror has a lot to offer more intellectual fans–even if it ends on a weak, loony note. MORE MOVIES LIKE Altered States: Possession (1981) and The Manitou (1978).
First I’d like to make a friendly disclaimer that I had not seen this movie before and, as such, my review is completely unbiased by any sense of nostalgia or past impression. That said, however obvious the film’s age may be, the plot did not feel numbed of its intensity as so many older movies can be. Director Ken Russell (The Devils, The Lair of the White Worm) and his cast do a fine job of mature, credible storytelling…at first. Later, it may go off the deep end a bit.
Pondering the inherent value of hallucinations, visions of Christ and other religious experiences, psychophysiologist Dr. Eddie Jessup (William Hurt; The Village, The Countess) experiments with sensory deprivation chambers and Mexican Toltec hallucinogenic mushroom rituals in search of deep inherent answers rooted in the 6 billion-year old atoms that compose our very bodies and which may, indeed, confer “genetic memories” under the right circumstances–that is, with psychedelic drugs.
The dialogue is highly intellectualized and well-versed. If ever there was an 80s horror movie for academics, this is it. Eddie engages in deep reverie regarding the inflexive oneness of Buddhism, resurrection and the self. Obsessed with proving his hypotheses linking our personal biological matter to the ancient past and, primordially speaking, “the beginning,” he sheds himself of all distractions…even his wife and children.
After a decade of experimentation Eddie turns to extremes which appear to afflict him physically. Doctors suggest seizures and trans ischemic attacks, but Eddie “knows” that his body is undergoing temporary transformations to more primordial states.
The sex scenes are not terribly graphic by today’s standards, but there’s something intense about them; not so much physically, but atmospherically. And whereas Eddie maintains a rigid mixture of academic focus and social disconnection, he is balanced by his colleagues’ (including Bob Balaban; Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Lady in the Water) concern for his health and skepticism of his wild claims.
What present-day audiences may find hokey are the very abundant hallucination special effects. I’m sure at the time (back in 1980) they were trance-like and discomfiting. But now they look silly–although they get the job done of relaying Eddie’s mania and some of the religious imagery is a bit disturbing. But still quite pleasing are the pulsating physical effects as Eddie “transforms” into something more primitive which, for at least a moment, smacks of a less elaborate werewolf transformation.
Just as his genius eclipses his sanity, the film takes a turn for the worst into Looney Tunes land as the scenes of him running around as an ape-man felt quite awkwardly displaced and ran too long. The closing finale was weird…I’m not sure I feel satisfied with the outcome.
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Five Fake Horror Films I Want To Watch
What is better than a horror film? A fake horror film! What I love about the fake horror films that inhabit horror films is they leave a lot to your imagination. For instance, I really want to see the Wes Craven movie about a monkey killer in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
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In movies like The Final Girls, Scream 2 and Grindhouse we are shown glimpses of horror films that might actually be good. A great example of a fake horror film I want to see is Jaws 19. How is that shark still plaguing that poor family? These fake films raise more questions than answers and I really want to see them!
Here are five fake horror films I really want to see.
Jaws 19 – Back to the Future 2
Jaws is my favorite film and I would love to see the 19th installment. I recently broke down the plots of Jaws 5-18 and I think 19 could be one of the best. I’m pretty sure it revolves around an underwater city being attacked by Jaws and that is awesome! The tagline says “This time it’s really really personal” so we know we are in for some great revenge carnage. I appreciate that the Brody and Jaws clans are basically the Hatfields and McCoys of the cinematic world.
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Camp Bloodbath – The Final Girls
After watching The Final Girls I’d love to see Camp Bloodbath in a packed theater. It seems like perfect horror fodder that is good enough to be fun and bad enough to be a cult classic. I think what most impresses me is that it tried to be a good movie that turned out very cheesy. I love when directors and writers try to create something good and end up failing. That means the movie will have character and be a lot of fun. Creating a good/fake movie is damn near impossible and I think The Final Girls creators pulled it off.
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Stab – Scream 2, 3 & 4
I love the Scream movies and consider Scream 2 to be the perfect horror sequel. So, I’d love to see these fake movies based on a movie. I think the best part would be watching Parker Posey run around as Gale Weathers. I loved Posey and Courtney Cox together in Scream 3 and I think Posey would nail the role.
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Squid Lake and The Perfect Horror Film – Movies, Films and Flix
We’ve recorded over 40 podcasts and our most popular episode is called “Crossbow and Tentacles.” It is a bonkers thing full of crossbows, jam shops and boat chases. The bad guy is a sea beast who wears overalls and is lethal with a crossbow. The good guy’s name is Mason Jar and it all gets crazy and hilarious. Listen to the podcast and you will love hearing a horror film built from scratch.
Also, if you are into totally fictional oral histories you will love Squid Lake. Squid Lake tells the age old story of a guy battling a squid somewhere around Lake Michigan. I got together with the Sharkdropper guys and we recorded quite possible the weirdest podcast ever. It gets crazy and fun. You will want to watch this movie.
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Don’t – Grindhouse
Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) has proven himself adept at making horror comedies and I’d love to see what he could do with this weird film. It basically realizes that every decision in a horror movie is bad and it plays with that trope. I think Edgar Wright would be the perfect choice for a self-aware horror film and I think he needs to make it….now…..please.
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No one is more excited than I am to see Deadpool in less than two months. Since ComicCon, we have been blessed by various teasers and trailers that tease of the R-rated superhero movie of a lifetime! At least…our lifetime so far.
CHECK OUT OUR PODCAST DISCUSSION OF THE DEADPOOL TRAILER
Release date: February 12, 2016
With some notable exceptions like The Woman in Gold (2015), Buried (2010), Smokin’ Aces (2006), Safe House (2012) and The Amityville Horror (2005), Ryan Reynolds has always been that guy who pretty much plays various iterations of himself on screen. And we LOVE seeing him play that guy. Movies like The Change Up (2011), Buying the Cow (2002), Waiting (2005), Blade: Trinity (2004), Just Friends (2005) and even the generally detestable Green Lantern (2011) all gave us that Ryan Reynolds who, regardless of the quality of the movie in general, brings a smile to our face when he runs that witty mouth of his. I suppose the ladies also don’t mind seeing him without his shirt as well….so here’s Deadpool in a sultry pose in front of the fire!
Right, ladies???
Plus, I’m sure some folks are excited to see Gina Carano’s action as Angeldust and T. J. Miller’s dirty sense of humor. In fact, we were so excited that we discussed the Deadpool trailer in our recent podcast: Trailer Talk #2.
This new red band trailer shows loads of that Reynolds personality. In fact, it glows so brightly you have to wonder how much direction and script he was really given. These scenes just feel like…well…him being him–which is exactly what we all want! From tinkering with the window in the back seat of the cab and references to Shake-Weight infomercials to his playfully witty narration and prom sex peer pressure jokes, Reynolds gets to lay it on as thick as he wants.
This older trailer was every bit as enjoyable, showing Deadpool doodling while singing along to Salt ‘n Pepa, giving laughably expository speeches to bad guys, and then of course there’s all the descriptions of what he looks like.
CHECK OUT OUR PODCAST DISCUSSION OF THE DEADPOOL TRAILER
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MFF Special: Breaking Down the Plots of Jaws 5-19
Jaws is my favorite film and I’ve always loved the moment in Back to the Future 2 when Marty comes across Jaws 19. Recently, Universal unleashed some fake trailers and as much as I loved them, I felt like they didn’t adhere to the laws of horror sequels. They veered into cheeky territory and I wanted to write about the real trajectory Jaws would take. Here is the trailer Universal released.
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If you’ve been reading MFF for some time you know that I love writing about horror franchises, sequels and remakes. The horror franchise world is littered with insane films that have no problem going to space or rebooting whenever they want. The quality takes a nosedive and we are stuck with some truly bad (but great) moments. I love how very good films spawn about 10 bad films. It is a trend we can’t avoid and instead of complaining, I’ve embraced the stupidity and learned to appreciate the shenanigans. That is why I wanted to give Jaws 5-19 the bonkers respect they deserve.
Jaws 5-19 have every right to be insane and the following films build a crazy world of money-grubbing sequels.
Jaws 5: Jaws Lives – Jaws healed up in an ocean cave for a year (the impaling was only a flesh wound) and wants to go after the Brody family once again. Jaws uses her (plot twist!) weird mental tracking skills and kills Hoagie (Michael Caine filmed the two-minute scene for $5 million dollars) via a strategically placed jump into an airplane (filmed on a soundstage). Jaws then targets Ellen Brody at Amity Island, and almost succeeds at killing her. However, Brody uses her telepathic link (explains the flashbacks in Jaws 4) and tranquilizes the shark and traps it in a convenient shark pen.
Jaws 6: The Dream Shark – We begin to learn that there is something supernatural about the shark and she has a telepathic link with Ellen Brody. Of course, Jaws comes back and has a very subpar chase scene involving Ellen and a wave runner. The chase ends with Ellen getting thrown into a buoy and being saved at the last minute by her nephew and niece. She ends up bedridden, and it is up to her niece and nephew to kill the shark via her visions that see the shark’s future. However, a mysterious cult arrives and we find out they are trying to breed sharks with Jaws. Jaws kills all the sharks (and the cultists) after they free it and it almost gets the Brodys, but is electrocuted by the kids. They think Jaws is dead, but she escapes. (The biggest dud of the franchise).
Jaws 7: Jaws Takes Cape Cod – All of the Brody clan are presumed dead except for one guy named Stu (they yada yada it into the story). He has caught a case of amnesia and decides to board a pleasure cruise that is traveling to Cape Cod. He has a psychic link with Jaws and he can see what Jaws is seeing (lots of water). People on the boat think Stu is crazy because of his insistence that he sees what a large sharks sees. Everybody on the cruise gets eaten and Jaws is blown up when Stu uses mind powers to make an underwater WWII mine explode. Jaws Takes Cape Cod is famous for an incredibly bonkers scene in which a drunk teenager tries to box Jaws and gets his head knocked off for his troubles.
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Jaws 8: Purgatory – The shark is stuck in hell and is given the ability to turn into an adorable minnow (it’s crazy). Due to a clerical error (Hell is unorganized), Jaws is sent back to earth and whenever she is touched she wiggles into the person and turns them into a human/shark hybrid that can breathe air and swim through the beach sand. It is eventually stuck in a high tech military fishbowl.
Jaws 9: Deep Blue Space – Jaws is trapped as a minnow and the military plans to train it to do reconnaissance in caves on Mars. They recruit a cool guy to train it, but the cool guy eventually forms a bond with the minnow shark In an attempt to free Jaws he lets it loose in the spaceship water supply. Chaos ensues, and Jaws escapes in a tiny escape pod.
Jaws 10: Season of the Shark – This one is weird because it doesn’t feature Jaws. It features a weird fish tank company who are peddling very cheap fish tanks on the populace. It turns out the company “Jaws and Sons” have a weird receiver that hypnotizes people who live in coastal cities. These hypnotized people walk into the water so the sharks can eat them. It is now looked at as a cult classic.
Think Halloween III: Season of the Witch….with fish tanks.
Jaws 11 – The Final Swim – One of the tiny minnows from Jaws 9 lands in the ocean and swims back to Amity Island to destroy the populace. However, one of the kids who survived the original film senses it and goes in the “ocean world” to battle the shark. The guy is named Chuck Finley and he gathers a team of “Jaws killers.” They all die except for Chuck. (second worse film in the franchise).
Jaws 12: The New Flood– Steven Spielberg comes back to direct this film that features a very meta storyline. The original cast celebrating its 30th anniversary decides to travel back to the filming location. They are visiting an amazing new shark aquarium when a massive hurricane comes in and floods the aquarium. They are stuck battling sharks in a very ironic situation.
Jaws 13 – Jaws vs. Deep Blue Sea – It turns out a shark did escape from the Deep Blue Sea laboratory area and it has been wreaking havoc in several films (all are surprisingly good and star Thomas Jane and LL Cool J). However, it finds its way to Amity Island and a pissed off Jaws doesn’t like new blood on its turf. Thus, Jaws becomes the somewhat good guy as it battles the genetically mutated shark.
Jaws 14: Evolution – This one gets a little crazy as it flashes back to the dawn of human-kind and the creation of man. We see a muscular shark man sacrificing himself into some water and we cut to the future. A group of smart scientists are looking for the gods and they come across the earth. Two very smart scientists die stupidly and we are left with the rest of the crew mutating into shark creatures. A woman who had a shark baby (and recovered quickly) and a mutilated cyborg escape.
The shark guy looks like the person from Prometheus.
Jaws 15: Planet of the Sharks – This one takes place in a future where the world is populated with incredibly smart sharks. A man crash lands on the planet and leads a revolution that ends with him falling in love with a shark/human hybrid. The bad sharks get their comeuppance, and the man realizes he crash landed on Amity Island and not another planet.
Jaws 16 – Jaws is remade by director Michael Bay. It’s loud, dumb and kinda awesome.
Jaws 17: The Beginning – With the success of the remake they do a prequel where a bunch of nubile twentysomethings get stuck on catamarans and are attacked by a shark. Michael Bay didn’t return to direct so the movie is basically a glossy drone of a movie that was a glossy drone.
Think Jaws 2 meets Shark Night.
Jaws 18: Before the Beginning – The prequel to the remake gets a prequel where we learn that Jaws was angry at shark finners and had a terrible home life so it attacked the coast and murdered nubile twenty-somethings.
Jaws 19 – Read Jaws 19
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The 11 Nicest Cinematic Characters Who Can Beat You Up
Part of the reason why I love Goon, Rocky and Say Anything so much is that they feature incredibly nice and genuine people who can also beat the crap out of you. These characters prove that nice people can finish first and beat people up. Characters like the ones below are rare because there is a thin line between angry man-child (think Waterboy) and blowhard (Macgruber). It is a difficult task making someone violent yet chill. They need to possess the skills to wipe out bad guys but also be trusted to be a best friend or teammate.
The following post examines 11 characters who are nice butt kickers. You don’t have to be a monosyllabic cruncher to be a hero and these characters are proof.
Lloyd Dobler – Say Anything
Say Anything isn’t an action film but it proves that a romantic film hero can still kick you in the face. Dobler was a sensitive kid who could hold his own and kick some serious butt. When I watched this movie as a teenager it was a mini-revelation because I had never seen a character like Dobler before. In the pantheon of film Lloyd Dobler might be the most sensitive force of destruction ever.
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Doug Glatt – Goon
Doug Glatt is wreaking ball of niceness who only wants to protect his team. He is honorable man with fists of fury who is either a loyal friend or a dreaded temporary foe. He sticks up for injustices and will take a punch to the face when he deserves it. It is rare when you see nice guys beating people up. Most sports films feature the anti-hero (Longest Yard, Slap Shot) engaging in anti-hero antics. Doug Glatt might be my favorite sports character ever.
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Kyle Reese/Corporal Hicks – The Terminator/Aliens
Kyle Reese and Hicks were good dudes who were up against something much greater than themselves. What I love about Michael Biehn in these movies is how sensitive he comes across. He is doing crazy dangerous work yet is always brave and unselfish. He trusts his partners and you can’t help but like the guy. There is a reason why he is fan favorite. The video below proves what a good dude he was in a very random way.
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Wang Chi – Big Trouble in Little China
Wang Chi is a good dude who can wreck shop and carry mulleted blowhards on his shoulders. When watching Big Trouble in Little China you realize that he is the hero and also very nice. It helps that Dennis Dun is ridiculously likable and capable of awesome spin kicks.
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Jackie Chan in anything
The guy is in a movie called Mr. Nice Guy. What I love about Chan is he is an unstoppable force who is always nice. You can’t help but like the guy as he was doing everything in his power to hurt himself.
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Rocky Balboa – Rocky
Rocky is a nice dude that could clear a bar in five seconds. I love that he had a big heart and his relationship with Adrian was really nice. He is a simple dude who can take 1,000’s of punches to the face and still keep his spirits high and cause world peace. What cements his niceness is that he keeps a chair near Adrian’s grave in Rocky Balboa. It is such a nice gesture and I also love how he also employs former opponents to work in his bar.
Susan Cooper – Spy
While she is surrounded by self-absorbed weirdos she quietly does her work and kills a few people in the process. I love she thinks fast on her feet and never loses her niceness. She is constantly forced to have terrible aliases and she is underestimated 100% of the time. In the end, she does the right thing and remains true to her friends. Becoming a super spy won’t get to her head.
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Jack Travern – Speed
Jack is a nice dude who respects other people’s opinions and forms a great bond with Sandra Bullock. He is the nice hero and a pleasant change of pace from the muscled up lugs who controlled the action films throughout the prior decade.
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Captain Shakespeare – Stardust
What I love about Robert DeNiro’s character is that he is faux-mean. He understands how to rule with an iron fist without killing people. I have no doubt he could hold his own in a brawl but he chooses to do the right thing and save people (while looking like he killed them). The best part is that his crew loves him! I love the movie Stardust and you should check it out if you haven’t watch it yet.
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Beck – The Rundown
The guy can beat up an entire offensive line but would prefer not to. He is a nice dude who is stuck working for a bad guy. I love that he chooses to not use guns and he actually respects the people he eventually beats up. The Rundown is a fun action film because you actually like the guys taking part in the action. The Rock has never been better.
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Marshal Will Kane – High Noon
Kane does what is right even if it is gonna kill him. He refuses to be intimidated and I love how he is conflicted about it. Will Kane is one of my favorite characters because he gets the job done while being nice. Heroes like this don’t come along very often and the fact that Kane is still so popular is a testament to his nice brand of butt kicking.
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The MFF Podcast #42: Fantasy, Horror and Dark Superhero TRAILER TALK
You can download the pod on Itunes or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOGTALKRADIO.
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We hope you enjoyed our previous episode:
The MFF Podcast #41: The 2015 Random Awards.
SUMMARY: This week we discuss our thoughts on the trailers for the upcoming movies World of Warcraft, Cherry Tree, Kung Fu Panda 3, The Boy, Monster Hunt and Deadpool.
We also answer such important questions as…
“What 2016 movies do you think will be bad but you will watch anyway?”
“Is Deadpool the best thing to ever happen to Ryan Reynolds?”
“Who is the least threatening movie villain?”
“Will The Boy be any better than Annabelle?”
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Movies, Films & Flix 