A certified bro’s perspective on Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)
WARNING: If you liked this movie or the book, you will probably be offended by this review. There, I said it.
Don’t be curious. The movie isn’t worth it.
MY CALL: Not sexy, not limit-testing, not hot’n’steamy. This was like a “hard PG-13” film for young adults. MORE FROM “a certified bro”: Try some mommy issues, poor communication and dangerously unrecommended travel in the spirit of girly independence with Blue Crush 2 (2011). Want more? Try Beautiful Creatures (2013) in which Carrie meets Titanic in the form of an angsty supernatural high school love story. There’s just something about teenagers talking about destiny that makes me angry.
DISCLAIMER FROM A CERTIFIED BRO: Not sure how the introverted teenage girl target audience felt about this. But I’m a 34 year old certified bro and a Jersey Italian and this film made me roll my eyes so much I was getting dizzy. I live for bench pressing, Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, bicep tattoos and high-fiving alcohol-based accomplishments. Maybe if you grew up on Hannah Montana, this film could be for you. Me? I happened not to read the book. I think I was busy hocking loogies, thinking up new dick jokes or doing push-ups or something.
It was a day like any other when my loving girlfriend suggested we go see Fifty Shades of Grey on Valentine’s Day weekend. In the spirit of being a good boyfriend looking to reap the benefits of seeing a sexy movie with her I, of course, succumbed to this otherwise seemingly reasonable request. I mean, it’s a movie about sex and bondage and dominants and submissives; there’s nudity and sex and dirty talk. This should be a blast even if I don’t care about the romantic angle, right? WRONG!
Add a few melodramatic tears and this image pretty much sums up the movie. BTW, I didn’t mach-up this image, I think it came from Perez Hilton’s website.
Not since some lovesick, glittery, bloodsucking Edward loaded with teen angst and in need of some bored looking Kristin Stewart to fill the void in his eternal life have I been so unmoved by two young adults’ yearning to be together. Five movies that Twilight franchise lasted…FIVE! Is it just me, or is that a lot of screen time to devote to a group of anemic high schoolers who haven’t showered the glitter off since their last trip to the champagne room? Well, thankfully the Twilight Saga (2008-2012) has come to an end. But just when I thought I was done with sparkly vampires and it was safe to let women pick the movies again, this shit happens! And guess what, bros? This is the first of what will result in no fewer than three theatrical releases in the saga of Grey.
I kept hearing about the intense chemistry and steaminess of this story. If that’s the case then this was the chemistry of slowly solidifying water into ice and then using that to sooth the hemorrhoid-plagued sphincter of an elderly man in a steamy sauna. If you thought there was chemistry then you’ve probably not seen enough movies to recognize a stale script and if you thought the sex scenes were “steamy” then I’m guessing you have little basis for comparison other than the pages of this book. So sorry if you’re offended, but this isn’t exactly A Certified Feminist Young Adult Novelist’s Perspective…it’s A Certified Bro’s, and I don’t hold hands and say prayers and supportive crap about keeping your clothes on at abstinence club meetings.
Oh “GASP”, they’re disrobing and taking a well lit bath together in his immaculate marble empire. Someone alert Perez Hilton of this SCANDALOUS scene! What bondage act will he conduct upon her swooned body? A sponge bath, folks. A tender, loving sponge bath. However did they slip this raunchy scene under the MPAA’s nose.
For those of you trapped in the northeast blizzards with record snowfall who are worrying about just how you’re going to go see Grey find love in the form of his “one and only” kneeling in the corner like a whipped dog…please get a hold of yourself and be less desperate. When you’re snowed into your house, the electricity is out, you’ve rendered your dog’s fur to fend off hypothermia and you’re just a few perishable sundries away from softening Ramen noodles in your toilet bowl for survival…when you’re so desperate you’d eat “toilet Ramen”…just understand that this is how desperately I wanted to escape my seat in that movie theater.
The dialogue in this train wreck of a film was so grossly over-exposed and mind-numbingly dumbed down it’s as if the director and screenwriter were following a “no student left behind” program. Things are so over-explained that they feel staged and unrealistic. There’s a scene where Anastasia (our female lead character) is interviewing Grey (the dominant, metrosexual anti-bro) and she asks about his hobbies outside of work. In response, as if Mike “The Situation” had just dropped a rufy in her buttery nipple shot, he answers “I like to test physical limits” while staring into her eyes like some frat boy acquaintance rapist about to get ambushed by the “To Catch a Predator” guys.
“Do you like to test physical limits, Anastasia? No? Okay…well do you like tequila and Vegas Bombs?”
Later she jokingly calls him a control freak. To which he unjokingly replies as he gazes at her like a lion to a limping gazelle in the African Savannah: “I exercise control in all things.” Of course, this meant-to-be intense line was followed up by tender kisses. BARF!
I went in expecting something fun and walked out having endured an utter cinematic failure. The romantic comedy (slash sex thriller) Exit to Eden (1994) had better nudity, BDSM attire, toys and even better dirty talk than Grey!
“How can I fulfill your fantasy?” –slave
“Go paint my house.” –Rosie
Considering that Exit to Eden (1994) starred Rosie O’Donnell and Dan Aykroyd, I’m gonna’ go ahead and say that’s pretty damning for Grey.
But then it occurred to me. The dialogue, as inanely unrealistic as it is, fits perfectly to what I have realized to be the target demographic for this film: young adults. And I’m stressing the word young here because the ins and outs of BDSM are explained as one would to a child…as if Dora the Explorer had stumbled across a “flogger” and a ballgag and then engaged in an educational repartee with stubby infant Grey. It all seemed very UNcomplex, UNintense, UNnaughty, and one-dimensional; more like Three Shades of Grey. The other Forty-Seven Shades, and many more in your 264 count Crayola pack, can be found in Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac (2013) films. Now THAT film tested limits. Whereas Grey’s almost saccharinely sensitive sex scenes were about as intense as Leo DiCaprio’s lovemaking in Romeo & Juliet (1996), Nymphomaniac truly tested limits.
A line in the theme song “Love Me Like You Do” includes a common line “what are you waiting foooooor….?” I was thinking this every time Grey was talking about his dungeon–or, as they called it in this dumbed down Saturday Cartoon of a bondage story, his “play room.”
They claimed that they toned down Grey’s the sex scenes to appease the MPAA rating board. But I’m calling bullshit on that one. In terms of ratings-testing sex, this film was a step above Pixar films. Any drinking, drug-using teen having premarital sex in a horror movie is having raunchier sex than anything you’ll find here.
Sex in the woods while in the middle of investigating some weird noises in the middle of the night? Yes. That IS steamier than anything in Fifty Shades of Grey.
This was no more risqué than any sex scene between Jean-Claude Van Damme or Sly Stallone and their action movie love interest, and it tested fewer awkward sexual limits than an episode of SpongeBob Squarepants.
If you came for “sexy” then you’re in the wrong theater and I’d redirect you to almost any episode of Game of Thrones.
And can we talk about the name of our female star? Anastasia Steele?!?! Sounds like a very strong female presence, doesn’t she? Yet she’s nothing of the sort, not even a little, not even when she puts her foot down about not being…well….I won’t say the name of the sex act but it’s a really nasty one that I’d wince to see on film—I winced when I saw it done to someone in Nymphomaniac. Anastasia comes off as purely naïve behind her years, vulnerable (for all the wrong reasons), unsure of herself, scared, and far too easily swooned by a good-looking rich guy who takes her in a helicopter on their first date before revealing that he wants her to live with him in his condo McMansion as his sex slave. BARF! I thought movies female characters had moved beyond such materialistic impressions. Guess not.
So what was good about this movie?
Not the characters nor their development (they really never developed). They were just stagnant.
Not the dialogue…which was so fundamentally simplistic you’d think it was the movie they’d show people who were just learning English as a second language.
Not the sex scenes…nothing hot to see here that 80s and 90s action stars didn’t do better and with more sweat, passion, raunch and heat..
Not the glimpse into BDSM. Driving by an adults only sex store and looking through the window in passing would confer more insight into this alternative lifestyle subculture than watching this cinematic drivel.
Not the romance…there hardly was any. And every time you get a taste, it gets squashed shortly thereafter.
Not the ending….which was aggravating at best. It was like hitting the pause button until the sequel gets released.
I’ve got to add just one more thing here before I let you write comments about how upset you are, how you loved the movie, and how I don’t know what I’m talking about. Neither of these characters were very attractive. I had a naked girl in front of me on a 20 foot screen and don’t think my heart rate changed. The dude was maybe decent looking, but it was mostly the well-groomed hair and suit. These two were a couple of 5’s, 6’s at best. I wasn’t impressed.
In closing, I really didn’t hate this movie like my review suggests. I just have fun writing like a jerkish bro from time to time. However, I meant what I said about what (wasn’t) good about this film…pretty much nothing. I don’t recommend this film, not even for a date night. Why? Because even your girlfriend won’t like it. Mine didn’t.
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When Saving the Day Goes Wrong: A Greatest Hits Compilation of Jack Burton, Ash, Han Solo and MacGruber Antics
Hello all. Mark here.
Many heroes save the day. Some heroes fail in spectacular fashion. Some of them die, some of them are injured and some of them regroup and end up saving the day. The following post celebrates the attempts at saving the day that failed. I appreciate that these people attempted to make the world a better place. However, their tactics left much to be desired. Whether they mistake Miak for milk or jump off a nine story building their misguided attempts live on in infamy.
Reign of Fire – McNugget
When a tattooed Matthew McConaughey propels himself off a tower you think whatever is in his way will not be alright (alright alright). However, his brave attempt is foiled instantly as a hungry dragon turns him into a a McNugget.
Jason Takes Manhattan – A Puncher’s Chance
I respect the boxer for making a final stand. His punches were hard, his form solid and intention good. However, he should have known that he was punching an immortal killing machine whose face was blocked by a hockey mask. The following punch by Jason broke all known knowledge of the human body. His punch was so hard that skin, bone, veins, arteries, nerves and more neck stuff instantly popped off. What adds injury to decapitation is that the head rolls down into a trash can.
AVP – A Fireball Gone Awry
Lance Henrikson attempted to do the right thing but he failed spectacular. The predator allows Lance to live because he has lung cancer. So, Lance attempts to kill the nice hunter via flame ball. However, the flame is quickly put out and Lance is gutted and left to roll down some steps unceremoniously. He tried. He failed. He actually used the line “Don’t turn your back on me!!!”
Army of Darkness –Klaatu….Verata….Cough Cough Cough
All Ash had to do was remember three words. He remembered two and coughed out the third. In his daring efforts to prevent dead from rising he was too pompous to remember a third word. Because of his blowhardness he unleased an army of Deadites that steal his woman, cut out gizzards and force him to actually become a leader.
Big Trouble in Little China – Jack Gets Rocked
Jack Burton is a man’s man. He puts himself in harms way, has great reflexes and always lets other people fight for him. In the GIF below he leads the charge against an evil army and knocks himself out before he can throw a punch. His tactics are wonky. His bravery is legendary. His sleeveless shirts awesome.
The Other Guys – Sam Jackson and The Rock Meet a Hard Place
Their hubris forced them over the edge. I 100% believe they thought they could survive the jump and fall. What bushes could actually slow down The Rock’s fall? These guys got so good at what they did (Save the day) that they forgot about the laws of physics and gravity.
Star Wars – Han Solo chases Storm Troopers
I totally get it. Han is hopped up and ready to roll. His confidence is soaring and he actually thinks he can chase 10 storm troopers down a hallway. The problem is that they regroup and force him to run back the other way. Han was on a gravy train with biscuit wheels until the biscuit wheels got soggy and the whole thing fell apart. He got the last laugh but I’m certain he felt a bit silly about the whole ordeal.
Ernest Scared Stupid – Troll Meets Miak
Ernest thought he had it all figured out. He became light on his feet and found a jar of pure Bulgarian Miak. This should have meant the end for the snot nosed troll. However, the Miak resulted in confusion, second thoughts and a hurricane of bad breath.
Deep Blue Sea – When Making a Dramatic Speech Don’t Stand Next to Deep Water
Things couldn’t get any worse for the characters in Deep Blue Sea. Sharks are herding them into certain oblivion and they’ve started the infighting. Sam Jackson knows the straits are dire so he steps up and makes a dramatic speech. The one thing he doesn’t think about while rallying the troops is that he shouldn’t be standing next to open water. His urge to make a speech proves to be his undoing.
MacGruber – When homemade C-4 Blows Up Your Friends.
MacGruber is a menace to society. He constantly fails spectacularly and ends up taking people with him. My favorite moment of MacGruber features him gathering a crack team of killers to aid him in his mission.
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However, since this is MacGruber he leaves his homemade C-4 in the transport vehicle and blows up his entire crew. Saving the day will have to wait because everybody is dead.
No No No NO!!!!
What moments did I forget? What would you add? Do you have homemade C-4 sitting around that could blow up your friends?
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Kingsman: The Secret Service: Lock, Stock and Many Exploding Heads
Kingsman: The Secret Service plays like Trading Places, Nikita, Pretty Woman and My Fair Lady met Kick-Ass and spawned a James Bond film. It is gleefully subversive, über risky and features the greatest lisp ever. Director Mathew Vaughn (Layer Cake, Kick-Ass, X-Men First Class) brings a confidence and passion that allow the film to be insanely violent and always likable.
You can tell that Vaughn loves spy films and wanted to make one of his own. He wisely re-teamed with Kick-Ass writer Mark Millar and they adapted his graphic novel for the screen. Kingsman has passion project written all over it and you can see the joy on the screen. I am happy to see Vaughn back in form after his work for hire stuff on X-Men: First Class. His work on First Class was fine but the film lacked The Vaughn energy that I had become accustomed to. The energy is back as he infuses Kingsman with an appreciation of whiskey, pugs, metal legs and huge guns.
Kingsman has a hybrid style all its own. One minute we get a man being cut in half then the next we get a joke about mistaking a pug for a bulldog. I love Daniel Craig’s Bond films and The Bourne series but they’ve gone the route of dour dramatics with a penchant for wasting 50-year-old Macallan. What Kingsman does is bring the fun back into spying and creates a blue-collar vibe to a posh world. When you leave the theater who will want to eat McDonalds and drink fine scotch.
The best thing about Kingsman is that it is full of surprises. You never know where the film is going and it makes you laugh, gasp and wonder how a film featuring a church congregation killing each other received only an R-rating. Sam Jackson is a ball of insanity as he lisps, pukes and plans on world domination. I love his death via sim card plan and the carnage he creates feels taken out of a bizarro James Bond plot. Kingsman is a James Bond written by one of the characters from Snatch or Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (Vaughn produced both).
The supporting cast is fantastic as Colin Firth, Mark Strong, Michael Caine, Sofia Boutella and Mark Hamill add a neat layer to the spy world. I love that Strong wasn’t the bad guy and his tutoring of the young Kingsman hopefuls is a highlight of the film. Taron Egerton adds a ruffian edge to an eventual super spy and I liked how his character bounced between wide-eyed student and street smart car thief. His bonding with Firth creates a neat father figure type relationship that gives the film an emotional heft.
Kingsman does a great job of world building and is primed for a sequel. So many films are instantly forgettable while Kingsman remains burnt in your memory. It ends with a hilarious play on Bond hijinks and it so audacious you want to see more. Vaughn and Millar did a fantastic job of giving us a new world and I am glad that audiences are appreciating the insanity.
Watch The Kingsman. Appreciate the mayhem. Hope for more.
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15 Photos for 15 Years of Action Films: Gladiator Fights, Flare Guns and Dragons Eating Matthew McConaughey
Hello all. Mark here
I recently wrote a post about 15 pictures for 15 years of horror films (John wrote one too and it is glorious). It was a lot of fun to write so I figured I’d give an action pic post a shot. The following moments are an eclectic bunch that draw from my favorite action moments since 2000. There are so many explosions, face punches and face explosions they are easy to forget and that it why I appreciate these films. They may not be great but they’ve featured scenarios that have made me laugh, cringe and question the laws of gravity.
Here is the list! Enjoy! If you like the post check out the companion podcast on Blog Talk Radio.
Gladiator – Juba and Maximus hurt some people – I love the opening gladiator fight when Maximus and Juba team up and kick some serious butt. The scene is urgent, violent and features a very cool narrative. The two are chained to incompetent trident fodder and eventually find each other. I love the one-two punch of Djimon and Crowe and the two form a fantastic partnership who clothesline a guy with a chain.
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Bourne Identity – Clive Owen has a bad day – Man shoots at Bourne. Bourne takes an old shotgun and wipes out the highly trained foe with ease. I love how casual Bourne was as he blows up a gas tank, struts through the woods and uses a flock of birds as a distraction. The moment showed us just how badass Bourne was and somehow made Clive Owen look like a dork.
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Transporter – Door Kick From Hell – Knock, knock. Who’s there? A flying jumpkick delivered by a svelte British man!!! This moment is the definition of cool and was partly responsible for the popularity of the film. It makes for a great trailer moment, was grounded in realism and wasn’t all flashy like the oil fight scene.
Sidenote: I would love to know how Statham knew the exact moment to fling himself at the door. Math? Luck? Sixth Sense?
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Reign of Fire – McNugget – This was Matthew McConaughey’s hero moment. He jumps like 50 feet off of a ledge and prepares to kill a jerky dragon. However, he is eaten up and the moment is over. I loved it! He had zero chance against the dragon and I’m glad he didn’t find a way to kill the beast. Reign of Fire is an odd little movie and I just can’t quit it.
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2 Fast 2 Furious – You fight like sh*t, bro – I love the Fast series and 2 Fast is my favorite of them all. You are probably thinking that I am insane but I don’t care. 2 Fast tells the low stakes story of two men stealing from a minor league drug kingpin. Cigar cutters are stolen, car windows are punched and Paul Walker and Tyrese make for a great team. My favorite moment is the opening fight between Walker and Tyrese. It is funny, believable and tells us everything we need to know about the characters. We also get this great line from Paul Walker “You still fight like sh*t, bro!”
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Rundown – The Rock meets rebels – The fight scene between The Rock and the rebels was inventive, bonkers and gravity defying. The choreography created a glee-filled free-for-all that used the surroundings well and made the size discrepancy believable. It was an absolute blast and proved The Rock could do more than wrestle and run around as a CGI scorpion king.
Honorable Mention: “What’s this over here? Is this your little friend, do you know him? You want a little thunder! Or a little lightning! Thunder, lightning, thunder, lightning.”
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Casino Royale- No door. No problem – The bad guy jumps over the door and James Bond plows through it. This moment proved we had a new bond who took the road less travelled. Daniel Craig was a bulked up battering ram who wasn’t afraid to blow through drywall. I can’t imagine any of the other bonds doing this…..George Lazenby could’ve pulled it off. I would love to see a Lazenby frilled shirt plow through that wall.
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Hot Fuzz – Granny Face kick – Hot Fuzz is one of my favorite films and this moment made me laugh hysterically. The old lady made the mistake of missing her first shots and suffered a flying jump kick to the face. I still can’t believe this moment happened and the following action scene is glorious.
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Punisher: Warzone – Free runner meets grenade – When the studio wants to get rid of free runners what do you do? Well, if you are director Lexi Alexander you blow them up with a grenade launcher. You have to listen to the How Did this Get Made podcast to hear all about this film. I love Warzone and I am constantly bemused by the INSANE violence.
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Inglorious Basterds – Wrong three – Note to self. Do not hold up three fingers like this when you are pretending to be German. The result will be a bonkers kill fest that leaves everyone dead and the audience holding their breath.
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Hanna – One shot, 100 face punches – Hanna is a dark fairy tale that features a fantastic one-shot fight scene. It is a three-minute showstopper that is a marvel of steadicam work, choreography and face punches. Eric Bana punches, kicks and glowers his way through many foes as he re-enters the world looking for his daughter. I can’t imagine the amount of work that went into this scene.
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Haywire – Channing and the coffee pot – Haywire is full of fantastic action that puts Gina Carano’s skills to full use. Her MMA background is used to bone crunching effect in her fight with Channing Tatum. He walks in, complains about being hungover, throws coffee in her face and smashes a coffee cup on her head. From there we get a badass brawl that involves restaurant patrons, coffee pots and a slick armbar. It is fast, violent and doesn’t resort to choppy editing. I love how Soderbergh lets the camera linger as the actors beat the crap out of each other.
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Fast Five – Furious cliff fall – Fast Five propelled the series into awesome land and the moment where Brian and Dom drive an incredibly expensive car off a cliff makes for great viewing. They rob a train, survive a double cross, drive off a cliff and look really cool/calm whilst falling way too far. It was well-orchestrated mayhem that proved director Justin Lin was becoming comfortable with action and his stars.
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The Last Stand – The joys of flare guns – The Last Stand is a bloody romp that features one of my favorite kills. I love how an outnumbered Johnny Knoxville improvises his way to flare gun glory (If there was a flare gun calendar he would be Mr. May, June and July). He loses his gun, pulls out a flare gun and shoots it into the back of a man who is wearing many bullets. The result is a bloody explosions that made me laugh, appreciate the creativity and take off my bullet vest.
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The Raid 2 – Bathroom brawl – One man, one dirty bathroom and a dozen or so unlucky prisoners. This is one of the first action scenes where I’ve felt bad for the gang members getting torn up. From the look on the toilet guy’s face you would think he was getting eaten by a poop monster (think Dogma or Dreamcatcher). His pain isn’t from a gross monster but from the whirling dervish know as Iko Uwais. This fight sets the tone for the rest of the film and lays a solid foundation of butt kicking.
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The Best Fights of Film Part 3: Bowfinger and the Fake Purse Ninjas
And the award for most random looking warlord goes to….
Bowfinger (1999) was neither an action film nor anything to be taken seriously. However, the featured martial arts in the featured fight scene are second to none. Like really, if “none” was the amount of martial arts in one movie, then Bowfinger‘s martial arts would come in second…like…after the movie that had none at all…when we’re ranking them in order of best martial arts movies. That said, my “Best Fights of Film” is deliberately all over the place in terms of actual fight quality, from serious to all-out slapstick. Here’s one of the funny ones…
Go to YouTube and watch this fight. Just click here.
The scene is humorously well-scored (“Kung Fu Fighting”) and deliciously funny. From the very start, Eddie Murphy’s seemingly terrified death screech harbingers only good things to come. Things like Murphy’s spastic yet rigid (and terrified) technique, old school kung fu theater sound effects, kicking someone from five feet away, his enemies in a tornado of flipping themselves into unconsciousness around him as he cowers, and an homage to Bruce Lee’s classic head stomp.
When Steve Martin comes in, I’m reminded of Predator’s “Dillon, you son of a bitch!” The scene in which Carl Weathers and Arnold Schwarzenegger engage in the best handshake ever!
As if things weren’t already going splendidly, then we introduce Eddie Murphy’s character’s white martial artist brother played by Steve Martin in his most dynamic (and only?) action scene ever.
This reminds me of an even sillier version of the opening fight in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle (2003). In fact, I wonder if the director of The Raid films used this as his inspiration. You should watch The Raid (2011) and The Raid 2 (2014)…very similar combat intensity. Okay, not at all similar intensity. LOL. But The Raid films are about as intense as it gets, so watch them.
The Best Fights of Film Part 2: Undefeatable (1993) and Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki (1991)
Best Fights of Film Part 1: Troy (2004)
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Hello all. Mark here.
John (The Horror Leviathan) recently wrote a post about 15 photos for 15 years of horror films. His post inspired me to look back at the last 15 years and find my favorite horror moments. I’ve picked out 15 scenes that have rocked my world, made me laugh or forced me to have this face (You gotta watch Jaws).
I started with the year 2000 and worked my way up through 2014. Basically, I looked at the horror films that were released and picked the moments that I love.
Without further ado here are the photos!
The year is 2000. The movie is Dracula: 2000. The scene is when Dracula in the year 2000 steps out in full curly-haired glory. I remembered thinking “Should Dracula have a hair helmet? Shouldn’t he look like Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker’s Dracula?” The movie has been forgotten but I will never be able to quit the hair helmet.
Jason X is pure space hooey. However, there is an amazing moment involving two co-eds, sleeping bags, a tree and this dialogue “Do you want a beer? Do you want to smoke some pot? Do you want to have premarital sex?” The two women hunker down in their sleeping bags in hopes of some Jason X. However, they end up being used for serial killer batting practice. The scene is funny, random and cheeky. It does not belong in such a bad movie.
So…….Michael Myers didn’t get decapitated in H20. He escaped certain death, kills Jamie Lee Curtis several years later and hikes back to his childhood home and battles Busta Rhymes. Did I mention Busta throws a killer spin kick and loves Bruce Lee? How the mighty have fallen.
Dreamcatcher was a star-studded horror hybrid that should have been amazing. However, all I can remember are Morgan Freeman’s eyebrows. What did you say? I can’t hear you over those eye dwelling creatures? When eyebrows overshadow a lot of farting and an alien that looks like poop you know you’ve done something wrong (or terribly right).
Parker Posey is my favorite vampire in the history of vampire history. She is a yuppie blood sucker who kicks her assistants in the face and sets herself up to be called a “c*ck juggling thunder c*nt.” She discusses the merits of lake trouts, has wonderful hair and has no problem kneeing her old assistants in the nuts. Her interrogation scene with Ryan Reynolds in Blade: Trinity has stood the test of time and proved she was on another level of awesome.
Keanu Reeves is an underrated actor (Yeah. I said it) and I love the moment when he traps a spider in a jar, exhales cigarette smoke into it and says “welcome to my life.” The moment is weird, self-aware and very Keanu. I love the visuals of Constantine and this moment was authentic and slightly abusive to spiders.
Imagine you are lost, hurt and stuck inside an unknown cave system. You probably think things cannot get much worse. However, you hear a noise and it turns out to be hungry mole creatures who attack with lightning quickness. These subterranean bringers of nightmares are the perfect villains and their introduction scared the crap out of me. They have no back story, motive or father issues. They are hungry creatures who simply want to eat you. I love The Descent because it is urgent, inventive and full of interesting characters (AKA lunch).
I just can’t quit 30 Days of Night. It is bleak, cold, bloody and for some reason the vampires are really well dressed. David Slade and cinematographer Jo Willems captured a beautiful/bloody moment when the camera is looking down on the street and blood is everywhere. It is visually arresting and says everything we need to know about these vampires (they are jerks).
The Happening is a marvel of insanity. I love that it exists and that M. Night Shyamalan was able to make an R-rated film about killer air. The best moment revolves around an old lady and science teacher Mark Wahlberg.
Mrs. Jones: Planning on stealing something?
Elliot Moore: No, ma’am, we’re not.
Mrs. Jones: Plan on murdering me in my sleep?
Elliot Moore: What? No!
The House of the Devil builds to a moment so whacked it hurt my soul. This gross person scared the crap out of me and put director Ti West on my radar. I love how he patiently built to this insane moment and was able to nail the landing. I had a hard time sleeping after I watched this dang film.
I love the opening of Devil. It is atmospheric, visually inventive and sets a wonderful tone. The shot has lingered in my memory and I will champion this film forever. For all you haters out there who complain about the toast scene I want you to know that it makes sense. It is a wonderful example! I would hate to drop my toast after preparing it! Also, it is a cheap Devil detector.
The red demon in Insidious is a jerk. He pops up at the worst times and is a straight up menace to pleasant family society. This scene in Insidious shocked the world and propelled James Wan to legendary status. I hate you red demon. Patrick Wilson is cool though.
I love Grabbers. It is about Irish villagers getting drunk so they can survive an alien attack. This picture below features a drunk man being flicked a quarter-mile by an angry alien. The alien knew it couldn’t suck his blood so it improvised and added more footage to its NFL field goal kicking reel.
Byzantium is chock full of dysfunctional families, Gemma Arterton chewing scenery and a waterfall that pours blood. The visual is spectacular and gives the vampire world something new (No hair helmets here!).
The only thing I took away from Deliver Us From Evil is that cops and priests wear tailored shirts and leather jackets. It was very distracting. Also, Joel McHale (Community, The Soup) knife fights a demon guy. The scene below is the best part of the film. It features a creepy dude, a zoo and form-fitting shirts.
What moments did I miss? What would you add?
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15 Images for 15 Years of Horror, Part 1 (2000-2014): some of the greatest, goriest, most shocking and most memorably defining moments in horror since 2000
Greetings, horrorounds! We spend so much of our time complaining about re-used, recycled, unoriginal, tired out horror tropes and stories and stale archetypal horror character roles presented by actors that can’t act, directors who can rarely direct, and budgets that don’t get us anywhere. So I thought it was time for us to take a moment to remember that even today in the modern horror era we find the occasional delight in our modern horror in the form of worthy remakes or original approaches to old ideas…maybe even some new ideas.
So I give you 15 photos for 15 years of horror. These don’t necessarily represent the 15 best horror movies since 2000, but rather 15 of the most memorable moments. I really wanted to include movies like Session 9 and The Skeleton Key, but such films are more about tone that single iconic images.
The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)
There is little more shocking than watching a rapidly-senescing, possessed elderly woman swallowing a child’s head whole like one of those egg-swallowing snakes! Even more surprising is that nothing in this film was ridiculous, but rather largely rational and the characters were likable and not completely inept. Very good, unexpected film.
Oculus (2014)
No. No. No. No. NO!!!! I don’t care if it’s your lovely, long-dead mother who looks so happy to see you with her caring arms outreached to embrace you. Those outreached arms are breaking the reflective barrier of a mirror and that’s ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS evil!!! DO…NOT…HUG!
The Conjuring (2013)
Were the noises loud? Yes. But The Conjuring accompanied those loud noises with startling imagery and even more startling sideburns while combining a haunted house movie with a possession story…not an easy task, and James Wan did a stellar job creating an instant classic-feeling film.
The Cabin in the Woods (2012)
Most people like referencing the Merman as the most memorable aspect of this brilliantly funny, gory and clever film. However, I refer you to the board and the premise behind it. Was it genius? No. Was it 100% what we horror fans never knew we wanted? ABSOLUTELY!!! With such entries as “angry molesting tree” honoring Evil Dead, sexy witches and the much discussed “Kevin”….this film managed to give nods to a broad sweep of the horror genre’s better moments.
Final Destination 5 (2011)
Boasting one of the best, shocking, misleadingly elaborate deaths in the franchise and the horror genre, I give you this! I love the finger twitch.
Grave Encounters (2011)
Such a perfectly simple tagline for this great flick we never saw coming: “They were looking for proof…they found it.” This film blew away my expectations, did found footage WELL, told a good story, had good acting and clever dialogue.
Tucker and Dale vs Evil (2010)
No scene in 2010 had me laughing more than when this teen accidently threw himself into a woodchipper…and when our innocent would-be hillbilly tried to “save him” while he was being “chipped.”
Drag Me to Hell (2009)
From being gummed by a toothless gypsy and drinking her embalming fluids to vomiting dead kittens, Sam Raimi was in full form with this gastrointestinal cinematic experience.
Martyrs (2008)
I used to think that Hellbound: Hellaraiser II was creepy as Hell with that skinless lady making her way from one victim to another. But you know what’s worse? Seeing someone get skinned! This film is hailed as the most thoughtful torture-porn made today…and I should add that for this particular film, I don’t like the term “torture-porn” as it seems to detract from the very deep tone set in this film.
Hatchet (2006)
Hatchet was such a deliciously gross farce. Every effort was made to maximize the laughs and the gore.
Saw (2004)
Remember that moment when you realized what would happen when the timer hit zero? Terror and chest tingles! Her eyes tell the story of what my mind felt when we were introduced to the mania of the Saw franchise.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
The cameraman was definitely doing his job here behind the behind of the lovely Jessica Biel. This same type of shot can be enjoyed in Texas Chainsaw 3D with Tania Raymonde’s butt-cam and the 1974 original version, when this type of horror-centric shot seemed to really premiere in popularity. A good rule to live by is that if you see a rundown house in the middle of nowhere with a really nice butt in the foreground, don’t go in! The inhabitants will almost certainly want to eat you and wear your skin.
The Ring (2002)
Remember when Samara got really, really close to the TV screen while they were watching the video? Wasn’t it freaky as HELL when she put her hands through it and started crawling on the floor with her evil Japanese-girl-hair-in-the-face thing going on? So creepy!
28 Days Later (2002)
You wake up in the hospital and don’t know how you got there or what’s wrong with you, the city seems deserted as if The Rapture took everyone to Heaven except for you, and…oh right, the dead are walking–slash that–RUNNING after you ravenously while on FIRE! Yeah, I’d say 28 Days Later it was a pretty bad day.
Ginger Snaps (2000)
A coming of age scene in a coming of age horror story. This came out when I was 19 years old. I remember thinking she was both weird looking and yet strangely sexy in her pre-wolf lycanthropic state.
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Hope you enjoyed some of my favorite mania-feeding moments.
Please read on to 15 Images for 15 Years of Horror: Part 2: The Good, the Bad and the Hilarious.
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Joe: David Gordon Green Goes Back to His Roots
Joe is the type of film where you can smell the booze and feel every punch. It is atmospheric, grimy and knows exactly what it is. David Gordon Green has proven to be a master of small town eclecticism and after The Sitter and Your Highness it is good to see him go back to character pieces. Joe makes you remember that this is the same guy who directed All the Real Girls, Prince Avalanche, George Washington and Snow Angels. The biggest difference between Joe and Green’s other films is that you feel the dirt, sweat and blood in this book adaptation and it leaves feeling as if you did a day of work on Joe’s crew.
The film revolves around a complicated man named Joe (Nicolas Cage). He is an ex-con with a big temper and ambitions of not letting it wreck his life. Joe runs a crew that poisons trees so that a company can legally cut them down and plant other trees. He is fair to his workers and they have a respect for the complicated man. His temper puts him in some dangerous cross hairs as he is constantly hounded by police and strategically shoulder shot by a maniac wanting revenge. Joe’s biggest problem is that he has ambition in a lost world. He doesn’t belong among the hopeless inhabitants of the small Texas town yet has only himself to blame. He wants to do the right thing but he continually gets caught up in violent situations. For instance, he gets himself shot because of a single slap he through in a bar. The slap was most likely justified but his bad habits will catch up to him.
One day he meets Gary (Tye Sheridan) a homeless teenager who wants some work. Joe employs him and is quickly impressed by his willingness and work ethic. The problem is that Gary’s father Wade (Gary Poulter) is a monster of a man whose antics force his family to remain drifters. He is vile, drunk and the human embodiment of a poisonous snake. Poulter was discovered on the streets of Austin, Texas and died shortly after filming completed. Much like his character Gary had a history of arrests and alcoholism that made him perfect for the role. His non-acting adds an authenticity to the character that is frighteningly real. Poulter adds a uniqueness to the role because he imbues Wade with dancing chops, sly humor and legit menace.
Watching Joe makes you realize that Nicolas Cage is capable of great work. If you’ve watched Raising Arizona, Matchstick Men, Adaptation, Kick-Ass, Bad Lieutenant, The Rock and Bringing Out the Dead you know that he can be magnetic on-screen. Cage brings a restrained seen it all personality to Joe. He bulked up and creates a believable tough guy who wants to do the right thing.. You do not want to square off against Joe and that is a testament to Cage’s performance. There have been articles wishing he would have been nominated for an Oscar and I hope he will use this role as springboard to bigger and better things.
Joe is a bleak story of redemption. It ain’t pretty and the violence, sex and mayhem will turn off many viewers. However, Joe is a welcome back to form for David Gordon Green and Nicolas Cage and I can’t wait to see what they do next.
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The Town That Dreaded Sundown: Re-imagining More of the Same
The Town That Dreaded Sundown could have been a contender. However, it falls into the stock slasher tropes and falls apart at the end. The director Alfonso Gomez-Rejon stated that there is a 15 minute longer cut and many of the meta-textual flourishes were dropped in honor of keeping the status quo (kill, kill, nudity, kill). Thus, we get an oft entertaining film that feels supremely weird and more of the same.
What I appreciate about the meta-sequel is that it stands above the recent horror remakes by attempting something different. The remakes went the boring prequel route (The Thing, Halloween) or simply rehashed the violent proceedings (Black Christmas, House of Wax). They offered nothing to the genre aside from a cute scream queen or impressive decapitation. The Town That Dreaded Sundown strives for meta uniqueness and goes down swinging in an attempt.
I like how the plot is about a town that experienced horrific murders and is constantly reminded of it because of the creation of a cult classic film. They can’t seem to shake the killings and the town is stuck in a 1970’s stasis. As the masked killer starts recreating the famous deaths it forces old memories to be dredged up. Through these murders we are introduced to characters who give the film some personality. Anthony Anderson, Gary Cole, Denis O’Hare, Ed Lauter and Edward Hermann elevate the material as various police chiefs, pastors and museum owners who feel like they totally belong in a horror film.
The lead heroine Jami (Addison Timlin) is a resourceful and nice person who has been dealt an amazingly bad hand. We first meet her at the drive-in where she and her date are watching the 1976 film The Town That Dreaded Sundown. She isn’t a fan so her surprisingly nice date agrees to leave so they can drive down a dark road and engage in some impromptu smooching. As things start heating up a masked killer shows up and kills her date and leaves her alive to warn the town. However, Jami’s parents died when she was little and this left her in troubled sedated state which means her warning are not heeded.
Jami starts looking for a pattern into the killings and the film falls into familiar territory from there. She correctly pegs the “phantom” but that can’t stop characters from engaging in behavior only seen in horror films. I will say that the characters who meet their end at least die while making logical steps to escape. It is a breath of fresh horror air watching people being unluckily dead instead of dumb dead.
The Town That Dreaded Sundown attempted something new and that is why I watched it. Addison Timlin continues to impress and if you get a chance check out Odd Thomas on Netflix. In a day age of crap horror remakes it is nice when something stands out.
Watch the film. Dread sundown. Don’t make decisions only found in horror movies.
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The Lesser Chronicled Non-Death Brilliance of Sean Bean
Everybody knows that Sean Bean has died spectacularly in copious films and television shows. There have been many posts and videos chronicling the deaths and it has become something of a joke (#dontkillseanbean).
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Bean has been crushed, hung, stabbed and blown up in the name of bad guy comeuppance, revenge or just plain bad luck. However, there haven’t been any posts about him wrecking shop. The guy has battled Harrison Ford, Robert DeNiro, Nicolas Cage, Pierce Brosnan, Chris Hemsworth, Cave Trolls and Ewan McGregor. He has played Zeus, Odysseus and Ned Stark with aplomb. Sean Bean has kicked a lot of ass in his illustrious career and it has been overshadowed by his many deaths. So, I’ve compiled some butt-kicking moments from his career in hope of reminding people that he can take a life as well as he can die.
Goldeneye
006 is my favorite Bond villain. He waxes poetic, has a sweet scar and battles Bond to a stalemate. Everybody always talks about his amazing two part death (falls 200 yards then gets crushed by a satellite) but nobody talks about his amazing finale fight with the super spy.
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Fellowship of the Ring
Boromir may have been insulted in The Interview but that doesn’t mean he can’t kick ass (Is that a Boromir thing to say?). Before he was sacrificing himself for the betterment of the quest he was battling Cave Trolls in the mines of Moria. He has a gangster moment when two arrows whiz by his head and he looks at the shooters with annoyance. From there he is all business as he kills dozens of foul creatures and mutters the classic line “They have a cave troll.”
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Troy
The dude builds the Trojan horse and survived an Odyssey. He is recruited to fight the Trojans and then recruits Achilles. He is the ultimate survivor and after all is said and done he delivers great speeches.
“If they ever tell my story, let them say I walked with giants. Men rise and fall like the winter wheat, but these names will never die. Let them say I lived in the time of Hector, tamer of horses. Let them say, I lived, in the time of Achilles.”
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The Hitcher
Sean Bean dies via close range shotgun blast in The Hitcher. However, there is a fantastic moment where he takes out four cop cars and a helicopter while the Nine Inch Nails song Closer plays. The movie is crap but I had to rewind this scene several times.
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Jupiter Ascending
There is a moment in Jupiter when Channing Tatum has to rescue Mila Kunis from a swarthy immortal. So, he recruits Sean and they fly through thousands of “war hammers.” in order to save the day. Some say it was impossible. Sean Bean calls it Tuesday.
The brief clip is featured in the trailer. You gotta watch this movie folks.
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Equilibrium
He reads Yeats (backwards) and was the ultimate mentor. I love the opening scene where intelligently lets the younger guy jump into the middle of a room and kill people. That is a true veteran move and proves he works smart and not hard.
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Movies, Films & Flix 