The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is a scattershot cash grab that looks toward the future and doesn’t focus on the now. It is a committee movie that takes a talented cast and intriguing story and makes them so bland you’ll miss Spider-Man 3. You constantly hope for some (500) Days of Summer personality/romance or a dance scene like this.
.
.
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 feels like a checklist of a film. Introduce tons of villains. Check. Ensure many spin-offs. Check. Waste an Oscar-winning actor as a villain. Check. Fail in the inevitable comparison to Spider-Man 2. Check. Do you know why Spider-Man 2 is one of the most critically appreciated comic book films? It balances a solid story with a great villain. A villain who was built with care, purpose and a deep emotional focus. When Spidey fought Doc Ock. you were on the edge of your seat. The two men felt human and their battles beat the crap out of them.
After The Amazing Spider-Man failed to give enough screen time to one villain I wondered how the second film would juggle multiple baddies. The answer is they never tried to juggle them. They wedged them in, edited down their backstories and added tons of CGI. Does Sony really think that by giving us five minutes of each character (Rhino, Black Cat? Gustav Fiers, Alistair Smythe) that we will care about their further exploits? I figured Sony would learn from Marvel and take time with their villains (Sans the dang Dark Elf and Mickey Rourke’s Whiplash). When Electro is blowing up the city you feel nothing because the script never allows you. Electro’s backstory is so bad you begin to realize how great Milton was in Office Space (you will know what I mean).
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 feels rushed even though it is 142 minutes. The amount of world building, character introductions and mourning never feels like enough. The only reason you care about the Parker-Stacey relationship is because Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield have fantastic chemistry. Sony nailed the casting but lost their actors in the massive budgets and many rewrites. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 feels incredibly expensive. The sets, CGI and thousands of extras don’t mean a thing because the story is so unfocused. Instead of building relationships we are stuck with a ten minute subplot about two planes crashing. Why are the planes in the film? Who are the people on the plane? Who are the air traffic controllers? Why does anyone care?
Sony will make a lot of money on The Amazing Spider-Man 2. However, they are diluting the character and hurting themselves in the long run. Their rush to release Spidey films have resulted in subpar efforts that will ultimately force them to reboot the series once again. I understand they want to keep the Spidey rights but do they have to expedite a famous character into existence via tons of money and unfinished scripts? My only hope is they use Felicity Jone’s character well. She is a fantastic young actress who could be a solid villain/love interest/partner in Spider-Man’s future.
Share this post:
Mark’s Fifteen Most Anticipated Films of Summer
Hello all. Mark here.
The summer season is upon us again! The movie theaters will be inundated with big budget blockbusters that won’t reinvent the wheel but might blow up a few. Amongst the expensive carnage there are several films that might get lost in all the hubbub. What do these films have in common? I want to see them all and they will offer something unique, different or daring in a season of sequels, remakes and reboots.
Enjoy!
Chef (May 9)
Before Jon Favreau was directing Iron Man and Cowboys and Aliens he was an indie maestro who dabbled in Christmas comedy (Elf),wrote Swingers, directed Made and had many conversations in Dinner for Five.
Chef sees him returning to the indie scene and bringing his friends with him. Chef features one of my favorite actors John Leguizamo and revolves around a disgraced chef who opens a food truck in Miami. It will be interesting to see if Favreau can still tap into the low-budget scene after so many years of juggling massive films.
.
Million Dollar Arm (May 16)
Cool Runnings, Invincible, The Rookie and Miracle are all fantastic film.s Million Dollar Arm will look to continue the trend of true story awesomeness. Directed by Craig Gillespie who helmed the underrated Fright Night remake. Million Dollar Arm centers around Jon Hamm’s sports agent recruiting two Indian cricket players to play Major League Baseball. Expect big laughs and bigger emotions. I think Million Dollar Arm will be the sleeper of summer (I am kinda biased because I worked on it).
.
Filth (May 30)
I’m thinking Filth will be to James McAvoy as In Bruges was to Collin Farrell. Based on the Irvine Welsh (Trainspotting) novel the movie has gotten great reviews overseas and features a fantastic cast including Imogen Poots, Eddie Marsan and Jaime Bell.
I love this picture.
.
Edge of Tomorrow (June 6)
The original title “All You Need is Kill” was much cooler but there is something about this film that looks interesting. Watching Tom Cruise get trained by Emily Blunt as they die continuously in order to kill evil aliens looks fun. The movie will look fantastic, feature a badass female heroine and play like a violent Groundhog Day.
.
How to Train You Dragon 2 (June 13)
With no Pixar film out this summer HTTYD2 will rule the summer. I loved the first film and the second should be beautiful to behold on IMAX 3D. I can’t wait to watch the further exploits of Toothless and crew. Also, you have to love the people doing the voiceovers (TJ Miller, Jay Baruchel, Craig Ferguson, Gerard Butler etc..)
.
The Rover (June 13)
Animal Kingdom director David Michod reunites with Guy Pearce for a gritty Australian film that will undoubtedly be awesome. They are calling this $12 million film a “more menacing Mad Max.” Yes, Please! Rover cannot be released soon enough.
Sidenote: If you haven’t watched Animal Kingdom do it now.
.
Snowpiercer (June 27)
Based on a French graphic novel Snowpiercer is Bong-Joon ho’s (The Host) English language debut. The most exciting thing is that mainstream America will finally see Song Kang ho (Thirst, Good, the Bad & the Weird, The Host) in action. He is an amazing actor who has been doing spectacular nuanced work for many years. Also, this may be a loose connection but one of my favorite films is Sunshine. Chris Evans was in Sunshine and he is in Snowpiercer. I will call them the hot and cold badass combination. I’m hoping for big things.
.
They Came Together (June 27)
Paul Rudd and Amy Poehler are back with David Wain (Wet Hot American Summer). Need I say more? Watch the trailer. Love it.
.
.
Begin Again (July 4)
John Carney directed Once. Once is one of my favorite films. John Carney directed Begin Again. It will be amazing. However, the two posters are way too similar.
.
Boyhood (July 11)
Richard Linklater can do no wrong. His projects (Before trilogy, Dazed and Confused, School of Rock, Waking Life, Scanner Darkly) are things of beauty. I’m stoked for Boyhood because it was shot over the course of 12 years and features the evolution of one kid. It is ambitious, daring and a huge investment.
.
.
Wish I Was Here (July 18)
Garden State blew me away when I first watched it. I bought the soundtrack, poster and would have pre-orderd the DVD had I thought about it. The movie becomes a different monster the more you watch it (staged scenes, readily available Portman character). However, it was highly effective when I first watched it. I am excited for Wish You Were Here because of the all the expectations surrounding it (Kickstarter). I know it will be put under the microscope and I think it will hold up. Also, Kate Hudson is capable of so much more than the romantic comedies she has been stuffed into. I hope she can rekindle some Almost Famous luster and pull a McConaissance.
.
Calvary (Aug 1)
Brendan Gleeson reuniting with The Guard director John Michael McDonough is probably the greatest thing to ever happen. You need to watch The Guard if you haven’t watched it. I cannot wait for Calvary and I’m stoked to see what Gleeson can do with his priest role.
.
Guardians of The Galaxy (Aug 1)
Any film that ends its first trailer with “What a bunch of A-holes” is cool with me. Marvel is gambling again and I love it.
.
Lucy (Aug 8)
La Femme Nikita, The Professional, The Fifth Element and now Lucy. Luc Besson has directed some action classics and created several iconic female characters. I’m stoked to watch Scarlett Johansson kick-ass while moving objects with her mind. Lucy will be big, loud and really fun.
.
Let’s Be Cops (August 13)
I’d watch Damon Wayans Jr. and Jake Johnson read a phone book. They are hilarious and their chemistry on New Girl is fantastic. Another cool thing about Let’s Be Cops is it is directed by Luke Greenfield who was responsible for the underrated Girl Next Door. Cops will be the comedy sleeper hit of summer and hopefully push these two scene stealers into the upper echelons of comedy.
What films are you looking forward to? Comment. Share. Comment again. Share again.
Share this post:
Mark’s Favorite Films: (Part 2) An Eclectic Mix of Sharks, Surfing and Beer Mustaches
Here there! Yesterday, I unleashed 11-20 onto the world. Now, it is time for my ten favorite films. They are a motley crew of excellence.
Enjoy!
This may come as a shock to you, but I think your padded ass is silly.
8. Sunshine – Sunshine is the first film I ever watched on Blu-ray. It was an all-encompassing experience that thrilled and excited. It is a stunning accomplished that is totally under appreciated and that is why I champion it so much. Danny Boyle is a maestro of beautiful mayhem and he works wonders with his ensembles, set design, sounds and colors. The ending goes a bit off the rails (It goes full Kurtz, Heart of Lightness-esque) but is excusable because it all looks so incredible.
It is rare occurrence when you get totally lost in cinema. There are always distractions. However, my attention was 100% on the screen and I loved every second of it.
.
.
.
1. Jaws – I love Jaws. I’ve bought every dang VHS/DVD/Blu-ray and will continue to do so (hello, eventual fiftieth anniversary special edition!). I love the The Jaws Log and have spent too much money on copious amounts of art and memorabilia. Jaws is groundbreaking, character driven and perfect in ways that can never be recreated. The movie captures primal scares and character authenticity in ways that are incredibly rare.
Many people have tried to rip off Jaws and that will never happen. It is proof that simple is not always easy.
Share this post:
My Jason Statham movie poster theory has been given added credibiliy with Homefront. Here is my theory.
Overcoat posters = 70.25% on Rotten Tomatoes. This total is understandable because three out of the four overcoat films (Snatch, Lock Stock, Bank Job) are really good. It also shows that critics enjoy Statham as an everyday bloke whom speaks more than monosyllabic sentences.
Suit/Cardigan/shirt posters = 40% Rotten Tomatoes score. Crank and Transporter buoyed this score because they were solid films that weren’t wrecked by the Statham suit persona.
The Rotten Tomatoes average for Homefront was 42%. The lack of overcoat doesn’t lie.
The reasons to watch this film are many and that is why I ignored my theory. Stallone wrote the script, Statham wears an odd wig and James Franco plays a boat mechanic/meth cook named Gator Bodine. However, much like Stallone’s Bullett to the Head the film is a massive bore with lots of “f” bombs sprinkled in. It is a murky little thing that plays equal parts shlocky and confounding. Homefront pulled off the impossible by making Jason Statham battling James Franco boring.
Here is the plot. Statham moves to a small town because his cover an as undercover biker was blown. Statham’s kid beats up a bully. Kate Bosworth is annoyed that her bully son was hurt. Statham then beats up her husband. Bosworth gets Gator Bodine into the fray. Then, Gator convinces former meth addict Wynonna Ryder to get a motorcycle gang involved. Frank Grillo shows up and tries to kill Statham. Statham kills everybody and beats the snot out of Gator Bodine.
The biggest problem with the film is the script. It was written ten years ago and was meant to be a starring vehicle for Stallone. However, the Rocky and Rambo sequels hit big and it was put on the back burner until Sly gave the script to Statham. Homefront plays like an 80s film that is missing the extreme violence, muscles and gratuitous nudity of its forebearers. It piles on the melodrama and plays like a diet cola revenge film. Instead of going full bonkers it plays everything painfully straight. The script asks for you to ignore copious coincidences (the coincidences in The Family are much better) and wants you to believe that Franco is a worthy adversary for a guy who beat up 30 people whilst covered in motor oil.
.
The people wanted Statham spin kicking James Franco into oblivion and they got something else. Homefront could have been a beautiful oddity that gets by on personality and not logic. However, it is so devoid of life it makes you want to watch something else. The casting was inspired but was let down by a sleepwalking cast and drab direction.
Don’t watch Homefront. Check out Redemption on Netflix. Stath actually tries to emote and the whole thing is odd in a good way. Also, if you haven’t watched Snatch, Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels or Bank Job check them out now.
Share this post:
Over the past four years I’ve reviewed hundreds of movies (good, bad and anything Dolph lundgren). However, I’ve never written about my favorite films.
Why am I writing about them now? Maybe, it is because I’ve been watching the Steve Coogan classic show “Knowing Me, Knowing You.” Or, the fact that some of them have been criminally under watched. Either way, I figured it was about time.
I originally had a massive post written up with all 20 of my favorites. In order to save you from one massive block I’ve broken up the post into two parts. Today is 20-11. Are they the best films ever made? Nope. Are they pretentious stock picks? Nope. Are they movies that left a lasting impact on somebody who has watched way too many movies? Yep. Are they an eclectic gathering of fantastic cinema? Yep.
20. Goon – Goon may seem like an odd pick to include on any favorite movie list. However, I love the character of Doug Glatt. He is an earnest wrecking ball who realizes his limitations and enjoys being the muscle for his team. Sean William Scott’s underrated performance blends kindness, intelligence, naivety, and badass into a three-dimensional ball of muscle. He is a nice dude who has no delusions of grandeur. His relationship with Allison Pill is handled really well and I loved how her character was written (like a real person). Also, Leiv Schreiber is equal parts menacing and sympathetic as the older goon whom Doug will eventually battle. The friendships, fights and humor are rarely done this well and I’m glad critics took notice (82% RT). Characters trump all and Goon is full of them.
In its unforced, whimsical, quirky, obsessive way, “High Fidelity” is a comedy about real people in real lives. The movie looks like it was easy to make–but it must not have been because movies this wry and likable hardly ever get made. Usually a clunky plot gets in the way, or the filmmakers are afraid to let their characters seem too smart. Watching “High Fidelity,” I had the feeling I could walk out of the theater and meet the same people on the street–and want to, which is an even higher compliment.
Topper: Great Expectations.
Rabinowitz: Is it any good?
Topper: It’s not what I’d hoped for.
The quotes are endless. Wow, I love this movie.
One morning, over at Elizabeth’s beach house, she asked me if I’d rather go water-skiing or lay out. And I realized that not only did I not want to answer THAT question, but I never wanted to answer another water-sports question, or see any of these people again for the rest of my life.
Share this post:
The Last Days On Mars: In space no one can hear you snore
The Last Days On Mars is a well-acted bore fest that features decent set design, wonky villains and zero joy. The survival-horror film doesn’t push for Apollo 18 oddness, Europa Report’s intelligence or the all-out insanity of Prometheus. It is a 90-minute bland hybrid that doesn’t allow the fine cast to differentiate themselves from the barrenness of the red planet. People die, people argue and you twiddle your thumbs.
John Carter, Ghost of Mars, Red Planet, Doom, Mission to Mars, and Mars Needs Moms have proven that Mars cannot be conquered. Sure, we might get the occasional fun visitor (Mars Attacks), Criterion classic (Robinson Crusoe on Mars) or Paul Verhoeven action fest (Total Recall). However, the majority of Mars films have failed (26% Average score on RT) despite big directors (DePalma, Stanton, Carpenter) and big stars (The Rock, Don Cheadle, Tim Robbins).
The biggest problem with The Last Days on Mars is that it would be boring if it took place anywhere. The planet Mars is not the culprit. The film wouldn’t be exciting if it took place on Hoth, Pandora or in From Dusk Till Dawn’s Titty Twister. There is zero reason for the zombies, and zero reason for the people to turn on each other. You begin to wonder if these people ever watched a horror film. They leave dead people laying around and ignore obvious injuries that will certainly come into play later. Also, one man makes the mistake of trying to bear hug an angry zombie who knows how to operate drills. If there is one thing I’ve learned from horror movies is that you should never bear hug a zombie with a power drill
I kept hoping that the snarling zombie king from Ghost of Mars would pop up and start screaming his gibberish whilst his minions attack the compound. Then, Val Kilmer, Ice Cube, Natasha Henstridge, Pam Grier and Jason Statham ride up on the John Carter beasts and everything starts to resemble a Lord of the Rings battle.
My hopes were dashed as the film moved slowly towards the inevitable. Basically, the crew have 19 hours left on Mars, they find something and it all goes awry. There are no shocks, frills, bombast or moon rock spiders. The film is so straight-forward you can tick off what happens next. I think the director was going for Alien tension but ditched it for space critter mayhem. You don’t have time to care for the characters because the violence happens so fast. The perpetrators are ashen faced jerks whom have no agenda other than stabbing people with power drills. How do martian zombies know how to use drills? Why are they so angry?
I wonder why the actors took the job. Were they in between roles? Did they owe somebody a favor? Did they think the young talented director could pull a Duncan Jones (Moon, Source Code) and make a great science fiction film? Was the short story (The Animators) it was based on good? Liev Schreiber (Goon), Olivia Williams (Rushmore), Elias Koteas (Let Me In, Zodiac, TMNT) are all fantastic actors who are given nothing to do.
The Last Days On Mars is not good or bad. It is forgettable fluff that features nothing new and manages to be a boring space zombie movie. Don’t watch it. Watch something great (Sunshine, Moon, 2001, Alien) or watch something beautifully dumb (Apollo 18, Ghost of Mars, Prometheus).
Share this post:
John’s Horror Corner: Oculus (2014), a clever, hypnotic, psychologically-driven ghost story about an evil mirror
MY CALL: Both creepy and engaging, this time-distorting, psychologically driven ghost story weaves our protagonists’ tortured past into their present with a shockingly smart script. Definitely the best killer mirror movie on the market, and a superior horror film overall as well! MOVIES LIKE Oculus: Although really quite different and of much lower quality, Mirrors (2008) and Mirrors 2 (2010) provide more creepy mirror horror in which evil reflections dare not match the movements of their victims.
POLARIZED REVIEWS: Other reviews’ opinions seem to vary wildly, ranging from calling it poorly acted and carelessly written to praising it as fantastic across the board. I fell on the “pro” side of the argument and feel that those who were disappointed don’t like to think about their horror (during the movie) as much as I do. After all, it is no rollercoaster nor is it really “exciting,” so I see how some may bore of this.
Horror is a genre characterized by one-dimensional characters typified by hardly serviceably acting their way through flat writing to occupy the time until they drink, vandalize, have premarital sex, or do whatever it is that justifies their upcoming death. Despite this, filmmakers press on and we find the occasional pleasant surprise in The Cabin in the Woods (2012), The Conjuring (2013), or other films in which people actually cared about more than simply turning a profit and brought us new spins on classic tropes and even some entirely original ideas. I feel that Oculus is one of those refreshing films. Its scares number low and it’s gore is nothing special, but the acting is phenomenal and the story execution is captivating, although tough to follow at times. More a product of deep and undeniable intrigue than dread, the tension mounts and really never loosens its grip until the closing credits are cast down the screen.
Young Tim and Kaylie.
Tim (Brenton Thwaites; The Signal, Maleficent) and Kaylie (Karen Gillan; Doctor Who) had a seriously messed up childhood. As tweens, they endured a disturbing experience involving their parents’ murder and a demonic mirror which resulted in young Tim being held responsible and placed in a psychiatric care facility until his 21st birthday (ten years later).
Mom and dad are having a tough time.
As a standard rule I never hug reflections. They’re almost ALWAYS evil.
Not a day after his release to begin his “recovery,” Kaylie makes it readily apparent that everything he has been conditioned to understand as psychosis and repression has remained, much to his surprise, very real to her. Kaylie, in fact, remains absolutely convinced that her parents’ deaths were caused by The Lasser Glass, a centuries old antique mirror housing a malevolent force. Obsessed with proving to the world the evil nature of this supernatural mirror, Kaylie reconstructs the item’s history and creates an evidence-documenting scenario festooned with failsafes to circumvent the antique’s hallucinatory mind-bending wiles. After obtaining this proof, they would destroy it…a task which has proven strangely difficult. Kaylie’s elaborate documentarian approach smacks of Poltergeist 2 (1986), and she leaves little room for error.
Writer/director Mike Flanagan (Absentia) makes frequent and careful use of flashbacks. Kaylie insists that she recalls their terrifying past correctly and Tim resists, contrastingly rationalizing her claims with psychological babble. As Tim and Kaylie’s tortured past unravels before our eyes, that same past seems to slowly take hold of their present as they fight this evil reflective entity.
“Present” Kaylie and Tim.
Any good horror movie pays close attention to lighting as much for mood as for execution. Smart cinematography, deliberately distracting lighting and scene-cut transitions mislead our own sense of time along with our protagonists’. Our notion of the present becomes ever distorted and with every step that Tim comes closer to believing his sister’s claims, their horrific past seems to eerily converge with their perhaps inevitable future as hallucinations distort the present. It’s easy to get lost in it, but I found that to be intentional and engaging.
Everyone did a solid job with their roles. Rory Cochrane and Katee Sackhoff (Riddick, White Noise 2, Battlestar Galactica) play the parents and they really own their mania. I was particularly shocked by the committed performances by Garrett Ryan (Insidious Chapter 2) and Annalise Basso as the younger Tim and Kaylie, who get ample screen time in the flashbacks. If anyone left something to be desired, it would be Brenton Thwaites’ portrayal of the most complicated character Tim.
Oculus is a movie you can’t trust. As the story persists and the timeline is distorted we are as readily confused as the protagonists…and this is a good thing! It’s clever, it keeps us guessing, and there’s nothing like it. You may be left with more questions than answers. But this is a quality of deliberately disorienting mystery rather than plot-holed writing.
This is a must see!
Share this post:
Five Came Back tells the fantastic story of five directors who offered their services to the United States during World War II. The tremendous amount of research done by Mark Harris and his engaging writing delivers a page turner that is a must read for fans of film history and WWII. Harris navigates a linear timeline from the late 30s till the end of the war and details the evolution of five men and the world they live in. The men chronicled are Frank Capra (It’s a Wonderful Life), William Wyler (Roman Holiday) John Huston (The Maltese Falcon), George Stevens (Shane) and John Ford (The Searchers).
These men put their lives at risk and careers aside as they traveled the globe chronicling the World War. Their egos combined with their sense of duty provided the United States with countless hours of fantastic footage, training videos and evidence of atrocities. It is thrilling stuff that educates and enlightens us on the pysche of the directors and the issues arising from filming war.
Each man had a unique journey that evolved them as directors and humans. Their lengthy missions brought about post-traumatic stress, alcoholism, moral debates and loss of senses. They all came back to a different Hollywood and had to readjust to life at home. After reading about John Ford’s WWII exploits they give new meaning to his iconic final shot from The Searchers.
Five Came Back gave me a much needed history of cinema. I’m ashamed to say I knew nothing about the directors contributions and the book has given me a deep respect for them. They weren’t perfect and their exploits were legendary. However, they risked their lives and helped the war effort.
Here are some of their many contributions.
John Ford filming the battle of Midway.
.
William Wyler and the Memphis Belle
.
Frank Capra and Mel Blanc gave the troops the bawdy Private Snafu
.
Five Came Back is a must read for film fans and history buffs. Read it. Love it. Let me know what you think.
Share this post:
Antichrist (2009), brutal sexuality meets visual splendor in this provocative, disturbing film
MY CALL: A brutally dark, intensely and weirdly and unnervingly erotic, AMAZING art house film brimming with an admixture of visual splendor and vile imagery. This is easily among the most provocatively messed up movies I’ve ever seen. MOVIES LIKE Antichrist: For relentless sexuality go for Nymphomaniac (2013). 127 Hours (2010) for a sensory adventure focusing on a single actor. For general intensity and random “holy shit” factor try A Serbian Film (2010) or Martyrs (2008). SIDEBAR: There are various edits out there. The truly unedited version has a running time of 108 minutes. The unedited 108 minute version is reviewed here.
Lars von Trier (Nymphomaniac, Melancholia) sets a powerful mood in this visually stunning film straight from the opera-scored opening slow-motion sequence of a sex scene complete with pornographic penetration in the first 60 seconds. I know, I just mentioned penetration. But just trust me right out of the gates that this shot, however controversial or shocking, fits the scene perfectly like an artistic puzzle piece that has a significant story to tell. Whereas there is something ominous to be feared for sure, the scene is more a splendor to the eyes than a 1990s French noir perfume commercial–you know, the commercials that are so “out there” that you never knew what they were advertizing until they told you at the end. Some call this high art, others pornographic and provocative.
This film strikes me as a challenge. We only ever see three actors, one of which is the child who dies in the opening sequence. As husband (“He”) and wife (“She”), Willem Dafoe (Nymphomaniac) and Charlotte Gainsbourg (Nymphomaniac, Melancholia, 21 Grams) carry every scene as nameless characters enduring the loss of their child, who died while they were having sex. He is an over-involved psychoanalyst (playing more the role of therapist than husband) attempting to guide her through her grief, which she serially transmutes into sexual fixation. In an effort to force her to properly grieve and face her mounting irrational fears he takes her to a secluded cabin in the woods, where the sexuality, tension and violence escalate…often, in fact, TOGETHER!
Great acting, great film! As past tragedy begets the tragedy of their present, the Biblical symbolism rains down hard on these actors’ positively fearless journey venturing to dark places most actors wouldn’t dare.
“Chaos reigns!”
Strikingly sublime imagery stimulates us as we endure often unsettling profound emotions. The raw visceral nature of their surroundings parallels her ravaged, desperate psyche. The more he tries to deconstruct her mental torment, the more she in turn tries to disarticulate their sexuality.
Gorgeous cinematography.
This is easily among the most provocatively messed up movies I’ve ever seen. Full frontal nudity, masturbation, sexual penetration, animal birth, violent sex scenes, violence against animals, violence against women, torture and genital mutilation are sprinkled about in this controversial (but far from conventionally exploitative) artistic endeavor. So, while I encourage adventurous cinephiles to accept the challenge of seeing this film to its end, let’s just not make a family night of it and DEFINITELY don’t watch it on a first date.
Share this post:
John’s Horror Corner: Blood Gnome (2004), a failed movie about BDSM-loving flesh-eating fairy monsters
MY CALL: This movie teaches us to Just say “gno” to drugs…and movies with Blood Gnome in the title! MOVIES LIKE Blood Gnome: I think Ghoulies (1985) is what you really wanted when you thought to yourself “how bad could this Blood Gnome movie be?”
Writer/director/editor John Lechago (Bio Slime, Killjoy 3, Killjoy Goes to Hell) has put together a real stinker! This movie has low film quality akin to a WikiLeaked sex video, lousy writing and even worse acting. This comes off as a poor student-made film. Given the present filmmaker’s skills, it should come as no surprise that nudity abounds (including a Julie Strain cameo) to cover up its shortcomings with juvenile entertainment. Lloyd Kaufman’s raunchy, exploitative Tromaville films are more attentively crafted than this crap.
From the start we learn that a drug distributor has some little monsters in a crate. As horrible as this movie clearly is, this actually raised a brow in interest for me at first.
A naked couple engaged in BDSM activities are killed by an invisible force. Spoiler alert! Blood gnomes did it! A crime scene photographer (Vinnie Bilancio; Witchcraft XI, Bio Slime) is on to something strange when he sees a tiny bloody hand print and starts seeing invisible monstrous gnomes eating victims with his infrared camera setting.
What’s preposterously stupid here is that he sees the gnomes eating the victims right in front of the CSI team! As if they’re being invisible meant that no one would see the masticated flesh or hear the slopping sounds of flesh-eating two feet away from them.
As if it was his job to solve the case, our photographer becomes involved with a dominatrix and his “research” takes the form of BDSM sessions. How this will help a photographer solve a string of evil gnome homicides, I have no idea! As a result, far more than telling a story about carnivorous fairies this movie succeeds at teaching the ABCs of BDSM to anyone completely ignorant to the subject. In fact, that may be the only thing this movie does successfully.
The budget is bare bones low. It’s as if the special effects were paid for with whatever they had in their pockets at the time, which wasn’t much. The blood work is weak and the blood gnomes are less impressive than Muppets. In one scene we see a blood gnome birth and find out the source behind the drug…blood gnome afterbirth from some tentacled abomination. It’s never made clear what these monsters are or where they came from before some drug-dealing dominatrix got a hold of them. But I guess I’m glad I was spared having to endure any more screen time fumbling through a poorly rendered explanation.
The effects are weak, but later in the movie the blood gnome attacks become marginally entertaining and much more frequent.
I’d have to recommend that you skip this one.
Movies, Films & Flix 