John’s Horror Corner: Piranha 3D (2010)
With Piranha 3DD right around the corner I just had to try to save you folks who missed Piranha 3D. While I doubt that the order in which you watch these movies is of any concern, I wouldn’t want you to miss out. This was truly something special.
MY CALL: This movie was architected for high school and college guys who like energetic, fun-kill-filled flicks with no more pertinent plot than “these piranhas happen to be in this lake and start killing Spring Breakers”. If you’ve ever enjoyed a movie like that, then taking issue with Piranha is like faulting a crack whore for her spilt ends. Don’t sweat the small stuff. This is a “check your brain at the door and enjoy” kind of movie. [A-, for a good B-horror] IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Piranha (1978), Piranha 2: The Spawning (1981), Gnaw: Food of the Gods II (1989, but skip part one), and the Jaws series (which is due for an honorable, thoughtful remake). If you want a somewhat biologically accurate animal-turned-monster flick, then I strongly suggest Lake Placid (1999). My doctorate-toting biologist friends enjoyed it without many “Oh, God, they got that all wrong” moments. Want more sci-fi stupid-ish, then try Deep Blue Sea, perhaps. Just want gory, campy fun? Then go with Humanoids from the Deep (1980) or some other John’s Horror Corner installments from the 1980s. Lastly, definitely brace yourself for Piranha 3DD (2012)!
CGI-level is above acceptable. Remake of 80s animal-turned-monster flick: APPROVED!
Quite a cast: Richard Dreyfuss, Ving Rhames, Elisabeth Shue, Christopher Lloyd, Jerry O’Connell, Adam Scott, Dina Meyer, Scream Queen Kelly Brook and a cameo by Eli Roth. Was it worth it? I think so! This remake (which is at least as fun as the original) kicks off like Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break, foreshadowing gratuitous nudity for teenagers with Netflix across the globe. Appropriately, Jerry O’Connell plays the “Wild, Wild Girls” director/producer who goes to a small, Spring Break-friendly lake town in the Southwest to make his fortune. Meanwhile Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames play local cops trying to keep Spring Break order. Good luck.
Skeazy? Just a bit. This movie flirts with being exploitative, but really never gets passed a healthy dose of gratuitous nudity.
Despite all the 2011 Oscar buzz, Kelly Brook didn’t win the Academy Award for Best Bikini.
This flick gets pretty Jaws-ish pretty fast. Shue finds a body and considers closing the lake. But the lake is too big of a Spring Break cash cow for her small town. Back to funville, satirical gratuitous nudity has already begun in the form synchronized swimming performed by two “Wild, Wild” girls to an operatic soundtrack. How tasteful.
Complete with Eli Roth hosting a wet t-shirt contest. Priceless.
Now for some explanation of these piranhas’ origin…
There’s seismic activity which opens an underwater chasm through which the piranhas escape from an underwater lake that was previously sealed off for a way-like-dinosaur-long time. Naturally, it’s filled with eggs. Some seismology researchers want to investigate but, come on? Scuba-diving in a movie called Piranha? They never stood a chance.
Christopher Lloyd plays some dude who owns an aquarium store who, based on his level of expertise, holds a doctorate in fish systematics (naturally specializing on piranhas). He instantly recognizes a captured specimen as representing a species which went extinct two million years ago. An amateur paleontologist as well, hmmm? He even has a fossil of that exact species in his store! Shouldn’t that be in a museum, bro?
That water looks a bit chummy.
The CGI attacks are fun and better than any made-for-ScyFy Saturday night movies. The kill-humor is 80’s-chic and includes eyeballs being tugged from their sockets. Some other kill-innovations include clever boat collisions, high tension wires, a girl getting scalped by a boat engine propeller, and a fish eating its way out of a person’s mouth. Breast implants, a severed penis and disembodied eyeballs drift about in the tidal chaos as well. Oh, and a piranha eats and then belches out a dick, there are lots of “halves” of people, one woman is “accidently” torn in half by her rescuers, and a dude walks on his bone foot. Nothing but fun, folks!!! I’m giving you pearls here!
To answer your question: YES. That is Ving Rhames using a boat engine propeller as a weapon. If you haven’t seen this movie, then you now know why you MUST.
What happens to O’Connell is absolutely priceless and even the very last moment of the movie is hilarious! I enjoyed this so much that I ordered it the same day I saw it and, with a little beer, I’d gladly watch it with friends two nights in a row. It’s that fun.
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John’s Horror Corner: Humanoids from the Deep (1980)
MY CALL: Quite easily this is the best mutant fish-man-frog movie on the market! If you like other trashy, exploitative Roger Corman classics, you’ll probably love this. As much effort was placed on campiness as gore, and boy does that usually mean it’s going to be fun. For an 80s B-horror, I give this a B+ for ludicrous entertainment value. Loved it! IF YOU LIKE THIS, WATCH: Any of my Horror Corner installments from the 80s, especially Contamination(1980), Inseminoid (1982), Deep Space (1988, which features our lead actress) and Galaxy of Terror (1981). Also try Piranha (1978) and sequel. For a more modern flick with a similar plot, you can’t go wrong or without laughing if you watch Piranha 3D (2010) and, of course, the sequel Piranha 3DD (2012).
An alternative poster. Not very interesting and definitely less indicative of the exploitative nature of the movie.
Humanoids from the Deep tasked writers with what would happen if the Creature from the Black Lagoon had procreated with a manatee and released its humanoid, tailed, ichthyoid and evidently all-male children off the coast of some north-Pacific American fishing town. The answer? They would capture and rape as many young women as possible—leaving many dead and sequestering some in case they desired seconds. That’s basically the story of this movie. Well, they tried to sell a little side plot about a cannery (for canned fish) that was threatening the livelihood of local Native Americans, but would help the local white fishermen. Not very interesting. But I guess the writers thought that a flat-out fish-man rape/snuff film would be a bit much all alone.
Nope. Not a severed leg. But a chick wrapped up in seaweed and saved for later. Hey, marine biologist, take some photos of this ASAP!
Our “let’s investigate”-minded protagonists discover the breeding ground and lair of these creatures. They clearly never played a zombie FPS because they’re aiming their shotguns for body shots and the creatures’ heads have over-sized exposed brains. Really, guys? How did you miss that? While they fumble about trying to eradicate these abominations we learn that the somewhat-attractive, 6-foot blonde, marine biologist (Ann Turkel of Deep Space(1988)) accompanying them seems far too knowledgeable about this allegedly unknown species. It turns out that her super-funded company was responsible for accidently creating these awful mutant, hyper-evolved sardinious killers. Who’d of thought that a big company would be responsible for such horror (Alien’s Weyland Industries; Resident Evil’s Umbrella Corporation; Jurassic Park’s InGen; Terminator’s SkyNet)?
Ann Turkel, our marine biologist, of Deep Space(1988). Look at her; trying to look all smart and stuff. If you’re a biologist, why do I always see hiding behind a camera.
The action in this flick is bad. Like, really bad. But that makes it no different from any other Roger Corman classic or featurette from John’s Horror Corner, right? So, it really poses no major problem or flaw for the genre. The acting is bad, but—come on! What did we expect from early 80s horror? The effects are just serviceable and attempts at gore are satisfactory, though less common than I’d prefer until the end, which is gore-rich. This hits its high point when the annual Salmon Festival is going on and they have to try to get the locals to buy this line of bull shit.
Man gets his face slapped off. Classic!
This movie is delightfully awful and adorably inconsistent. Three shotgun rounds to the chest and these monsters may keep coming at you. But use a bottle of drain cleaner, a two-by-four, or put a steak knife in the hands of a scared housewife and these amphibious aberrations fall apart as if one were attacking a bowl of organ pudding. They seem MUCH more strong and dangerous when facing a star protagonist than, say, a woman, child, or horrified teen. And, perhaps to convey the “rapid evolutionary rate” of these mutants, some have awkward triple-length forearms. If you have an Intro to Biology background, you’ll find some intriguingly obvious holes in the writers’ concept of genetics and evolution. After all, something with salmon and frog DNA can evolve in its own lifetime and should be able to mate with humans, right? That makes sense!
Here it takes numerous shots to take this bad boy down. Ann Turkel also taking more shots with her camera. Based on these image stills, you’d think she was a reporter.
Yet this chick, who will be naked in just a few seconds mid-fight, will somehow fend this beast off with some non-lethal object she found on the ground. Yay, consistency!
Our heroes’ coup de grace comes when they light a 50×100’ area of water surface on fire with gasoline. Somehow this helps the festival attendees to successfully thwart this brood of gilled villains. Of course! Because if I was a fish-man I’d become physically weaker if within ten yards of fire and, were I under water, I’d surely surface, catch fire, and remain at the surface so that I could burn to death slowly. REALLY?
Hey, look. It’s one of those huskies from “The Thing.”
The ending is predictable, but B-horror-wonderful! Mine are the rantings and ravings of a very pleased horror enthusiast. If you love horror and have yet to see this classic—stop what you’re doing, hop onto Netflix, sit down and enjoy!
Congratulations! You have a beautiful baby…uh–amphibious sea beast.
SIDEBAR: This movie is a rape-y rip-off of The Creature from the Black Lagoon, whichhas received a bit of remake buzz is the last several years. For some time, Breck Eisner (The Crazies (2010)) was attached with a rumored $90 million budget and Bill Paxton as the lead. This movie was to happen in 2007, but was delayed to 2011 because of the writers’ strike. Then, since The Wolfman (2010) did so poorly in box offices, the project was shelved. An old fan page has more details on the project. I have found little news on the project from this year except for what has been mentioned.
Yup, that creature concept just might have been a rip-off. But I’m so happy they did.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Three Musketeers in 3D
All for one and dumb for all
Three Musketeers reminded me of a scene from Anchorman. Steve Carell’s character Brick Tamland yells out “loud noises!” Brick unwittingly managed to review this movie with two words.
Director Paul W.S. Anderson (Resident Evil, AVP) injects his brand of loud dumbness to a literary classic and the result is curious. You don’t hate it or love it. You scratch your head in amazement at how unnecessary everything is. Was it necessary for a fat guy to talk about a bird pooping on him then have a bird poop on him? Was it necessary for Jovovich to do 50 slow motion flips? Was it necessary for everything to look new? Was 3D necessary?
Along for the ineptly fun ride is Milla Jovovich, Til Schweiger, Ray Stevenson, Christoph Waltz, Matthew MacFayden, Juno Temple, Mads Mikkelson, Luke Evans and a strangely moustached and fabulous Orlando Bloom.
People have been known to count all of the swear words in Quentin Tarantino films. I want to pay somebody to count all of Milla Jovovich’s slow-motion battle scenes in this film. I lost track after 3,235. There is an ultimate “oh geesh” moment where Milla in the words of Chris Traiger “Lit’rally” glides through 20 feet medieval security. She is a human who just decides to fly 20 feet whilst spinning. If somebody asked me to show them one scene from the film to summarize it this would be the clip.
The movie is equal parts cheeky and loud. I tried to write out the plot but I cannot remember what it is about. Something about French/English people angering each other then they sword fight. I will never say it is good but it breezes by and never makes sense. For instance, why do the soldiers only have guns when the Musketeers are running away? Did somebody go to the future and see Bruno Mar’s hair and decide to put double that on Orlando Bloom’s head?
I didn’t expect anything good from this film and that is why I enjoyed it. Do not go around saying I recommended this film. If you do watch it because of this review remember that it is dumber than the dumbest thing you’ve ever watched. The best thing I can say about it is that The Three Musketeers is never boring.
Here is a great idea. Watch this movie. Write stream of consciousness notes. They might end up like this.
1. Why are the clothes so shiny?
2. Orlando Bloom must have graduated from saucy look academy.
3. Are flying ships/blimps easy to build?
4. I don’t know what it going on?
5. Did Milla Jovovich really kill herself 10 minutes ago?……
6. Why are floating boats filled with helium shooting at each other?
Enjoy. write funny comments to prevent dumbness.
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My Week with Marilyn
“I think directing a movie has to be the best job ever invented. But, Marilyn has just about cured me of that.” Laurence Oliver.
Michelle Williams channels Marilyn Monroe while surrounded by thousands of famous British thespians. My Week with Marilyn is a charming/uneven little film that features a knock out lead performance by Williams. Michelle keeps the film afloat despite a script that never fully engages you due to its familiar themes. The movie underutilzes its great crew and big name actors pop in and out for the sake of being in the credits. Secondary stories are started and forgotten in a movie that should have just left the camera on Michelle Williams and Kenneth Branagh.
You know where the film is headed but you could never predict how good Williams is. Never once do you feel like she is “acting.” Meryl Streep and Jean Dujardin won the Oscars this year because they were in almost every shot of each film. The directors were capable enough to put the movies on their shoulders. The result was a fistful of Academy Awards. If director Simon Curtis would have given Williams more to do she could have created a wonderful portrait of a damaged human much like Dujardin did in The Artist.
Williams is proving herself to be an under the radar actress that hits you when you least expect.
The movie focuses on a young third director played by Eddie Redmayne. The poor guy has to deal with the stress of working on his first movie and falling in love with a damaged bombshell. He is working on a Sir. Laurence Oliver (Kenneth Branagh) directed film The Prince and the Showgirl. The production was a nightmare due to “Laurence Oliver being a great actor who wanted to be a movie star and movie star Monroe wanting to be a great actress.”
Monroe’s antics are well catalogued. She showed up to set late, drank alcohol during takes and spent all morning on one or two lines of dialogue. Her damaged mental state, beauty and early death have become things of legend. Michelle Williams does a good job of humanizing someone who became larger than life.
Watch My Week with Marilyn for Michelle Williams performance. The movie will never totally capture your attention but you will understand why everyone loved Marilyn Monroe.
Keep your eye out for an underused Emma Watson as she enters the post-Potter world.
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Weekend Preview 03/16/2012
Hello all. Mark here.
There is a plethora of eclectic movies hitting the theaters this weekend. The flicks range from Nic Cage kicking butt while moustached or Adrian Brody slacking as a substitute teacher.
The following post contains one sentence summaries for the films entering the cinemas this weekend. With these few words I’ve hopefully captured the essence of these cinematic treats and raised your awareness of the film world.
Casa de mi Padre
I’ve never laughed harder during a preview.
21 Jump Street
I predicted Channing Tatum would be a comedic force after watching The Eagle.
Jeff Who Lives at Home
Slackers mutter sweeping dialogue while alternative music plays in the background.
Seeking Justice
The sad/inevitable exploitation of Nicolas Cage continues.
Detachment
At least it isn’t a sequel to Predators.
The FP
I think this movie should have been a preview instead of a funny idea stretched to 90 minutes.
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Footloose
Please don’t groan when you see this post title. I admit that I did not have very high expectations for this movie either. I even planned to be doing other activities while the movie was on. The truth is, the Footloose remake is a fun time.
Five Reasons Why You Should Rent Footloose this Weekend:
1. Miles Teller AKA Willard– this kid stole the movie playing Ren’s new friend. No backwoods country stereotypes here; Willard is just a nice Southern boy who lacks the dancing gene and is pretty darn scrappy in a fight.
2. The dancing– The dancing is fantastic; it is fun and the main characters really deliver. We already know that Julianne Hough is a ball room champ…but Kenny Wormald is the real deal too. He has been dancing and competing for years…plus he is really from Boston so that is no fake accent you are getting.
3.The movie is just plain nice– you like the characters. No one is horrible beyond belief, you pretty much expect the behavior that you get from everyone. Sure there are still antagonists, but you see them coming from a mile away and they are insignificant overall.
4. Filmed in Georgia…at our very favorite drive-in theater, Starlight Six! This place makes movies magical, I am happy to see it grabbing a moment in the spotlight.
5. Ren’s family– they are supportive. His Uncle sticks up for him, his aunt supports his petition and the little girls (his cousins) teach Willard how to dance as they sing 80’s songs. Ray McKinnon (also from Take Shelter and Sons of Anarchy) plays his Uncle, this guy is a great actor and I think you will be seeing more of him.
So let’s recap….need something to do on a weekend afternoon or evening? Rent Footloose, do a little dance in your living room and be happy.
I have sudden urge to break out my cowboy boots…
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The Big Year
The Big Year is unpretentious, pleasant and breezy. You like the characters, enjoy the vistas and appreciate the smallness of it. This film is a bird watching trip with three people you like.
When I first saw the preview I had an inkling that I would enjoy the film. I ignored the %40 Rotten Tomatoes rating because I figured the critics wouldn’t appreciate it. I think critics were expecting a slapstick genre film in which Steve Martin yells and Jack Black does the “bee do dop” shtick. I’d wager the marketing was to blame for the super comedy expectations. The only things I remember from the preview were Owen Wilson’s silly hats and Jack Black falling off a rock.
This movie is about three completely different people attempting the big year. The big year is 365 days of traveling to see as many birds as you can. To catalog a bird people do not need photographic proof just their word. They don’t do it for the money. They do it because they love birds and want to be the best.
I love stories about underdogs looking to break records. I dig the documentary Donkey Kong: Fistfull of Quarters. Steve Webbie the docs main character is a man who was good at everything and great at nothing. However, one day he decided to pursue the Donkey Kong record. This brought out the reigning champ Billy Mitchell. What followed was a wonderful documentary about men who want to be the best at something and what they do to achieve it. The Big Year is not as dramatic as Kong but you get why each man does it. In fact, The Big Year made Brian Dennehy not overact which is worth a recomendation in my book.
The three characters vary greatly but are all relatable. Jack Black is a kind man who has never reached his goals. Steve Martin is a millionaire who has been too busy to travel. Owen Wilson is the reigning champion bird watcher who is on his third marriage. The Big Year will test their pocketbock, family life and sanity. Wandering the earth alone and looking for a rare owl can really make you question your life. However, these three men follow through and survive. Sure, there is some junk about a dad not understanding why his son looks at birds…but I’m pretty certain any father of a slacker would question his son’s flight of fancy.
I enjoyed this flick immensely. It flows like a stream that you want to sit next to. Enjoy this movie. Don’t expect too much. Go with the flow.
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Bad Movie Tuesday: Jack and Jill
There are two possible explanations for how this film got made.
1. The movie going populace has continued to shell out money for Adam Sandler’s increasingly subpar efforts thus making it inevitable that this film happened.
2. Sandler discovered an alternate dimension.
If you’ve watched the show Fringe you will know that there is an alternate dimension. A world where you live a completely different life. I feel like Adam Sandler found this universe and made his movies there. In Sandler’s twilight zone there is no logic or realism and gas is aplenty.
Anything can happen in Adam Sandler films. The man has chosen to ignore all of life problems and instead make movies that prove the impossible can be possible. The stuff you see in his latest batch of films are truly awe inducing. This is a synopsis I never thought I would write.
“Adam Sandler tries to get Al Pacino to do a Dunkin Doughnuts commercial by pimping out his twin sister.”
It seems surreal to write that. It is like saying Michael Jordan would play for the Washington Wizards before they existed. Adam Sandler has a weird knack of casting celebrities in his movies. In his last movie Just Go With It he got Jennifer Anniston and Brooklyn Decker to fall in love with him. To top that off he gave the song “The Space Between” new meaning by having Dave Matthews pick up a coconut with his butt.
In Sandler land he can cast Oscar winners to do ridiculous things. He got Kathy Bates to eat an alligator head. He persuaded Jack Nicholson to cure his anger. He put a grass skirt on Nicole Kidman and managed to woo Marissa Tomei.
Another thing linking all of Sandler’s recent films is that he is able to lie, cheat and ignore beautiful women into liking him. He treats women terribly and they end up falling in love with him. This could only happen in an alternate dimension where Sandler is a laid back gigolo.
Due to the odd nature of the Sandler universe Jack and Jill is plausible. He cast an icon to be his love interest. He dressed in drag and broke the record for farts and stereotypes. The movie is the definition of trashy gloss that he made fun of in Funny People. I wonder if there were any people on the crew shocked that Pacino was tickling Adam Sandler in drag?
If you are familiar with Sandler world you know there are the usual suspects who pop up everywhere. In this film he brought along Rob Schneider, David Spade, Nick Swardson, Tim Meadows, Allen Covert, Norm McDonald, John McEnroe, Johnny Depp, Shaquille O’Neal, Drew Carey, Michael Irvin, Regis Philbin, Norm MacDonald, Bill Romanowski, Billy Blanks, Jared Fogle, Christie Brinkley, Bruce Jenner and Dana Carvey to join him in multiple fart jokes.
Sidenote: My favorite Sandler regular is John McEnroe in Mr. Deeds (bad movie). John jumps over cars, dances with rastafarians and yells “you cannot be serious!”
The strangest part of the strange film is that Al Pacino is incredibly committed to his role of wooing Adam Sandler. Pacino works much harder than any of the cast. Sandler shlubs while Pacino yells, wears a fake beard and does a dance number for a D&D commercial promoting Dunkaccionos.
This movie is one of the laziest things I’ve ever seen. It deserved the 3% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and record-breaking 11 razzie nominations. The Sandler universe is becoming too familiar. The shtick is up and it is time he finds another universe to wreak havoc in.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to win a bunch of razzies…..They succeeded.
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Big Budget Bonanza: The Amazing Spider Man
The Amazing Spider Man
A sarcastic Spiderman (Andrew Garfield) battles the Lizard (Rhys Ifans) while he tries to woo Gwen Stacey (Emma Stone). The reason this film will be good is because of director Marc Webb (500 Days of Summer). In 500 Webb was able to create memorable characters while keeping the story fresh and timely. If he can make the Peter Parker and Gwen Stacey relationship interesting this movie will work perfectly.I’m also hoping he uses another Hall & Oates song to great effect.
I’m thinking this film will have great characters and decent action. Andrew Garfield was a great choice to play Spider Man. He will add a healthy dose of wimp becomes web slinging mayhem maker. He will also be able to handle the back story and teenage angst required in the role of Peter Parker.
Emma Stone will be predictably solid and Rhys Ifans is an inspired choice for a super villain. It would be amazing is the Lizard was wiry.
Why you should watch this: This film is a huge gamble that is hinging on director Marc Webb’s ability to mesh character with action. I think you should watch this to support the new wave of talented directors that are making waves in Hollywood.
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Big Budget Bonanza: The Dark Knight Rises
The Dark Knight Rises (July 20, 2012)
Batman battles Bane while dealing with Catwoman.
Joining these three are Marion Cotillard, Joseph Gordon Levitt, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Nestor Carbonell and Gary Oldman.I’m not worried about the massive cast because Christopher Nolan is involved. The man has made short-term memory loss, insomnia and magicians intriguing.
I love the Bane storyline and I have the comic where Bane breaks Batman’s back. (Thanks Don. V). The casting of Tom Hardy is perfect because if you’ve watched the movies Bronson and Warrior you know he is a formidable man who can act. I’m hoping Bane vs. Batman will be a battle for the ages.
The loudest criticism from the fan boys is that Bane’s voice is inaudible beneath the mask. Early previews left audiences wondering what Bane was saying. Nolan recently cleared up the sound levels and assured worried fans that they wouldn’t need subtitles. With great success comes very needy fans.
My biggest hope is that this film doesn’t turn out to be Pirates 3 or Matrix 3. I’m hoping that the Batman saga gets the conclusion it needs…………until they make the next one.
Why you should watch this: This movie has a lot to live up to. Chris Nolan has added a plethora of new characters into the mix and it will be interesting to see how they are incorporated into the Batman world. There has been a lot of criticism about Bane’s mask and how well people can hear his voice. The Dark Knight Rises will be a big time spectacle that is expected to be intelligent and violent. I’m hoping the Nolan Batman saga ends with a bang.
Movies, Films & Flix 