MY CALL: While I must admit, I felt that I had to see an American frontier period horror-dark fantasy movie, I now just as equally wish I had never heard of this awful cinematic miscreation. Hard Pass. But take into consideration that Amazon reviewers seem to have LOVED this film even if I clearly didn’t. MORE MOVIES LIKE Eyes of Fire: I thought I was getting something dark fantasy more like The Bride (1985), which you should probably go watch instead. But if it’s frontier horror you seek, then consider Bone Tomahawk (2015), Ravenous (1999), Deadbirds (2004), The Witch (2016) or Grimm Prairie Tales (1990).
A 1750 minister accused of polygamy for taking in a widow, Will (Dennis Lipscomb;The First Power) and his followers are excommunicated from their settlement. The story linking these characters is needlessly complicated, even if not unrealistic. And while it may represent the way things were at the time, the writing stumbles through it while trying to jam star-shaped characters through square-shaped plot holes. Together they brave the American frontier, hiking across the dangerous Shawnee Native American territory. Yup. It’s as riveting as it sounds.
As this exiled group of settlers try to start a life in the forest, they are haunted by forest spirits. A mute and apparently good witch, Leah (Karlene Crockett) has visions of these spiritual threats, whereas sometimes these spirits harass everyone in real life. For much of the movie, nothing ever really amounts to anything substantial—or the movie just squanders harbingered perils with weak storytelling. References to a “devil tree” never produce greater threats than weird human faces forming in tree bark. And visions of naked, mud-covered Native spirits are never restless enough to considerably bother the living. Of course, all these rather unthreatening “threats” become more threatening later in the movie, long past the point that I stopped caring.
Some sightings of what I’ll call a grimy, mud-orc amount to very little of interest. I mean, it kills someone. But in the most boring way possible—slowly pulling them into a mud puddle. Just a big nothing really. Turns out the mud orc is actually a tree witch that desires children. But if it’s a tree witch you want, you should turn to The Guardian (1990) instead.
This movie is… awful. It’s boring, unengaging, and just plain not good. I guess it should come as no surprise that I had never heard of it (until this week). Yet still, in watching this I see loads of creative ambition that just lacked the budget, writing and filmmaking prowess to come to fruition.
Meanwhile, a wealth of five-star reviews on Amazon have me feeling like I’ve been cursed. For me, one star… no more. But why so many good ratings? I guess maybe these other viewers didn’t approach this under the impression it was a horror movie…? Maybe they just liked what the film was trying to do—which, admittedly, is an interesting genre-splicing of historical drama, dark fantasy and horror (in that order, I’d say).
Most of the “horror” which befalls our characters is simply a product of living in the harsh frontier lands or an occasional hostile Native American encounter. Only in the last act do we encounter some grimy gory faces. But they feel so out of place in the movie as a whole… so like everything else going on here, I just don’t care.
Writer and director Avery Crounse (Sister Island, The Invisible Kid) only ever did three movies, the other two at least as obscure as this one in the annals of film history. Probably for the best. While I must admit, I felt that I had to see an American frontier period horror movie, I now just as equally wish I had never heard of this awful cinematic miscreation.
Hard Pass.
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Mark and Megan talk about their favorite 2022 films and hand out random awards to the movie moments and characters that they love most. In this episode, they talk about EO, Triangle of Sadness, Mad God, Decision to Leave, Murina, Happening, Aftersun, RRR, The Woman King, Prey, Barbarian, The Banshees of Inisherin, and many more! Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
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MY CALL: Almost as much a “dance movie” as it is a giallo-ish crime thriller, this was an enjoyable change of pace after Fulci’s Gates of Hell trilogy. Sure, I love gore whereas this has but some blood. Yet this was intriguing and had intense kills in its own unique way. MORE MOVIES LIKE Murder-Rock: If you just want to stay in the realm of dance horror, consider Suspiria (1977), the Suspiria (2018) remake, Black Swan (2010) and Aerobicide (1987).
Okay, wow. So right out of the gates—so many long, surprisingly inspired and elaborate dance numbers with incredibly lively music. From Breakin’-inspired (1984) pop-and-lock to ballet-contemporary and straight-up Flashdance-y (1983) provocative. Cameras wander to gyrating hips and other delicate bits. But make no mistake. This movie features some major dance routines!
With a major show coming up soon and a big competitive cut to be made to whittle down the over-worked dance students, recent murders beg the question of whether the killer isn’t one of the students trying to ensure her rise to stardom. With time, more are murdered in the same very specific manner, but the authorities seem no closer to identifying the killer. Between the murders and the unfair competitive pressure being placed on the students, the head dance instructor (Geretta Geretta; Demons, Shocking Dark) and school mistress Candice (Olga Karlatos;In Hell, Zombie) are placed at odds.
In proper giallo form, our killer POV shows his extended, gloved hand as he chloroforms his dance student victim and slowly punctures her breast and ribs through to her lung with an ornate hair needle. For so little blood during this almost peaceful murder, it actually struck me as very tense and graphic.
I watched this expecting the kind of movie that might transition horror between Suspiria (1977) and Aerobicide (1987)—not the case. The horror is quite soft in this film, which is more of a crime thriller in nature. But as a crime thriller, it’s decent. Just don’t come into this thinking you’re getting a wildly gory Lucio Fulci (Zombie, The Beyond, City of the Living Dead, The House by the Cemetery) movie.
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MY CALL: Certainly very Christmas-y, more so than most Christmas horror. But actually not very horror-y for my taste. Weak kills, weak gore, horror-lite, and feels more like a murderous drama about a man pushed over the edge. Still, not bad. MORE MOVIES LIKE Christmas Evil: For more holiday horror, check out Black Christmas (1974, 2006 remake, 2019 reimagining), Await Further Instructions (2018), Holidays (2016; Christmas), A Christmas Horror Story (2015), Krampus (2015), Better Watch Out (2016), Silent Night Deadly Night (1984), Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010), Gremlins (1984), Elves (1989), Tales from the Crypt Season 1 (1989; And All Through the House) and Tales from the Crypt (1972; And All Through the House). Skip Don’t Open Till Christmas (1984), The Oracle (1985), Silent Night Deadly Night part 2 (1987), and maybe even All the Creatures Were Stirring (2018).
Obsessed with Christmas to such extent that he spies on the neighborhood kids keeping an elaborate list of who has been naughty or nice, Harry (Brandon Maggart; Dressed to Kill) is about crack. Between being disrespected at the toy factory by his own employees and then corporate, he had it!
Harry lives and breathes Christmas. He manages a toy factory, dresses as Santa and sleeps in Santa pajamas, he literally makes kids toys and delivers toys to the needy, and he sings Christmas songs during his morning routine. And whereas Silent Night Deadly Night (1984) features a toy store employee in a Santa suit murdering people, Don’t Open Till Christmas (1984) features a killer targeting blue collar holiday Santas, and Elves (1989) is literally about a Christmas elf trying to mate on Christmas eve; they just don’t manage to capture that Christmasy feeling as much as Christmas Evil does. There are Christmas decorations, employee Christmas parties, Christmas music, and yuletide décor at every turn. Oh, and I love that Harry tried and failed to go down a chimney in a Santa suite—and by that, I mean breaking and entering!
So yes, this movie is very Christmasy. Unfortunately, it’s not as awesome as it is in the spirit. And while it’s decently produced for a 1980 holiday horror, there’s really not much substance to the horror. The best stocking-stuffer in this movie’s Christmas sack is a finding a young Jeffrey DeMunn (The Mist, The Hitcher, The Blob) playing Harry’s brother.
The execution of the death scenes isn’t great, and the pacing of the “horror” takes a while to kick into gear, but I’ve definitely seen worse. The kills are few and the height of creativity is found in smothering someone with a sack of presents. This movie really feels like it’s going to build up to a killing spree. But it never does. The horror stays very light, and the body count remains low. Truly, the movie feels quite misnamed.
This feels more like a super low budget predecessor of Falling Down (1993), but with Christmas themes. Harry never really felt like “the killer” in a holiday horror movie. He felt more like a guy who was pushed to his limits and went a little nuts. And sure, he killed a few people. But it almost feels like a drama-thriller more than anything I’d call horror.
Was this movie good? Not really. Was it really even a horror movie? Let’s say no—perhaps on the cusp. But ultimately, I’m glad I finally saw it. It’s an interesting little film creation.
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The 2022 Random Awards – Celebrating the Best Moments and Movies of 2022
The 2022 year end Random Awards have arrived! 2022 ended strong and I had a fun time creating creative random awards that showcase some of my favorite films and moments of 2022. If you enjoy these awards, make sure to check out the 2022 mid-year random awards for more randomness.
Best Grocery Store Dancing Award – White Noise
Noah Baumbach’s film isn’t for everyone, but I really enjoyed the experience.
Best Bit Involving a Tape Measure Award – Barbarian
Listen, give Justin Long a Best Support Actor Oscar nomination for his performance in Barbarian.
Best Descent Into Insanity Award – Mad God
Phil Tippett is a maniac and I appreciate him. Mad God is beautiful, gross and unique.
Best Donkey Award – EO
EO is beautifully filmed, and it totally deserved the Jury Prize at Cannes.
Best Selling of a Sliced Back Award- The Woman King
The Woman King is really good and I’m happy that director Gina Prince-Bythewood is getting lots of press. Also, Viola Davis gets slashed in the back during a fight scene and she sells the heck out of it.
Best Kitchen Fight Involving Scott Adkins and a Vampire Award – Day Shift
Best kitchen fight of the year!
Best Digging Request Award- A Love Song
Dale Dickey and Wes Studi are so good in A Love Song. Watch it.
Best Moment Involving Phoenix’s Nina Hoss Award- Tár
I know that most of the press surrounding the film is going towards Cate Blanchett. However, it can’t be ignored that Phoenix’s Nina Hoss is in it too.
Best Cliff Curtis Playing An Incredibly Rich Person Award – Murina
Murina is one of my favorite 2022 films and I loved seeing Cliff Curtis playing a billionaire in it.
Best Father/Daughter Award – Aftersun
Aftersun is a beautiful soulcrusher and I love the chemistry between Paul Mescal and Frankie Corio.
Best Audition Scene That Leads to Chaos Award – Pearl
Listen y’all, when a maniac auditions for a role, maybe consider giving it to her. She won’t be happy when she doesn’t get it. It’s trouble either way.
Best Usage of the Color Red Award – A Wounded Fawn
Red is used to perfection in A Wounded Fawn. Listen to my interview with star Josh Ruben – it’s a good time.
Best Moment Involving a Killer Whale Catapulting Someone Into the Air Award – Black Panther: Wakanda Forever
I never thought I’d see a killer whale shoot a warrior into the air with its tail. I have now!
Best Salt Lick for Ghosts Award – Deadstream
Deadstream is a great time. Kudos to Joseph Winter for keeping up the energy and creating a memorable character.
Best Takeout Sushi Award – Decision to Leave
Decision to Leave is my favorite 2022 film. It is wonderful.
Best Pushups Award – The Inspection
Top Gun: Maverick was the #1 contender for the pushups award, but then I saw The Inspection.
The Good Afternoon Award – Spirited
Spirited is a bloated movie that is too long and probably too expensive. However, I love the “Good Afternoon” song.
Best Giant Monster Movie Award – Troll
Troll is a near perfect monster movie. Watch it now! Seriously, watch it then listen to our podcast episode about it.
Best TV Purchasing Award – Emily the Criminal
Audrey Plaza is so good in Emily the Criminal. She’s great at buying televisions.
Best Avoidance of Admitting That You Grew Up in an Upper Middle Class Household Award – Bodies Bodies Bodies
The “Upper Middle Class” bit in Bodies Bodies Bodies continues to make me happy. Such a great moment.
Best Die Hard 2-esque Action Film Award – Violent Night
Violent Night features snowmobiles, John Leguizamo, double-crosses, and lots of snow. It’s wonderful.
Best V-Neck Award – Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery
Edward Norton wears a great v-neck in Glass Onion.
Best Usage of a 2:1 Aspect Ratio – Smile
Smile features a bunch of people smiling and it looks great with the 2:1 aspect ratio.
Scariest Character Award – Bones and All
Sully (Mark Rylance) has haunted my dreams. Dude is a maniac.
Here are some random awards from some wonderful MFF contributors.
Jay Cluiit (@LifevsFilm on Twitter)
- Most Surprising Supporting Actor MVP of the Year – Alex Ferns (Commissioner Pete Savage in The Batman & Mosk in Andor, he’s mainly known in the UK as a villainous wife-beater in Eastenders in the early 2000s)
- Best Use of Con Air – The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent
- Most Disappointing Use of a Jetski – Shark Bait
- Best Birthing Sequence – Men
- Best Origin Story for an Inanimate Object – Water bottle in Bullet Train
- The Most Effort Put Into A Film I Loved But Never Want To Watch Again: Phil Tippett, Mad God
Aaron Neuwirth (@AaronsPS4 on Twitter)
- Best Donkey – tie: EO/The Banshees of Inisherin
- Best Sandcastle Destruction – Empire of Light
- Best Tiger Throw – RRR
- The Office Space Award for Celebration of Inanimate Objects – Everything Everywhere All At Once
- Best Pool Cleaning – Causeway
- Best Bar Mitzvah Movie – Cha Cha Real Smooth
- Best Use of Menorah in a film over 2 hours – The Fabelmans
- Aaron Neuwirth
- Wettest movie of the year – avatar: rise of space whales
Lisa L. (@foolishminion20 on Twitter)
- Most Batshit Bonkers Movie of the Year: Barbarian
- Honorable mention to Moonfall, which originated the term
Jonny Numb (@jonnynumb on Twitter)
- Best Hand Acting – Zoe Kravitz dries off the sanitizer in KIMI
- Most Unsettling Dental Prosthetics (tie) – Rory Kinnear in MEN; Mark Rylance in BONES AND ALL
- Worst Use of a Great Ensemble – AMSTERDAM
- Creepiest Fidgeting – Kristen Stewart in CRIMES OF THE FUTURE
- Most Formidable Opponent in a Big-Budget Action Flick – Joey King in BULLET TRAIN
Joey Lewandowski (@soulpopped on Twitter)
- best dance scene to start a movie: After Yang
- best dance scene to end a movie: White Noise
- best cheeseburger: The Menu
- best donkey: jenny in The Banshees of Inisherin
- best podcaster: rachel sennott as alice in Bodies Bodies Bodies
- best movie remix: the Timekeepers of Eternity
- best use of a voice assistant: Alexa in Kimi
Megan H
- The Don’t Write this down award – Thirteen Lives
- Family business producing products in precision engineering…employed in upholding democracy all over the world – Triangle of Sadness / Are you going to eat the pasta award – Triangle of sadness
- Trash can destruction award – White Noise
- Everyone knows love is the most important ingredient award – The Menu
- Best knife on a leash – The Woman King, Prey
- Best reflection shots – Aftersun
- I’m very bad at dumb things Award – Knives Out: Glass Onion
- I am not putting the donkey outside when I’m sad award – Banshees of innishirin
- Upper middle class award – Bodies Bodies Bodies
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Mark and Zanandi (@ZaNandi on Twitter) talk about their favorite horror movies released in 2022 and hand out random awards to their favorite horror moments. It’s been a wonderful year for horror and in this episode they talk about the excellence of Barbarian, A Wounded Fawn, Nope, Mad God, Glorious, 5cream, Deadstream, Smile and many more. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast – Episode 469: Love Actually, Richard Curtis and Romantic Comedies
You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome.
Mark and John (@MFFHorrorCorner on Twitter) discuss the 2003 romantic comedy epic Love Actually. Directed and written by Richard Curtis, and starring an insane case of talented people, the movie focuses on a plethora of rom-com romances that happen during the holiday season. In this episode, they also talk about John Cusack, Emma Thompson, and the filmography of Richard Curtis. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast – Episode 468: Top Gun: Maverick, Tom Cruise and Mustaches
You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome.
Mark and David Cross (@ItsMeDavidCross on Twitter) discuss the 2022 blockbuster Top Gun: Maverick. Directed by Joseph Kosinski, and starring Tom Cruise, Miles Teller, Jennifer Connelly, and Glen Powell, the movie focuses on what happens when a maverick pilot is tasked with preparing a group of elite pilots for an impossible mission. In this episode, they also talk about practical effects, movie mustaches, and the excellence of Tom Cruise. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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The Movies, Films and Flix Podcast – Episode 467: The 2022 Marvel Cinematic Universe Recap
You can download or stream the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker (or wherever you listen to podcasts…..we’re almost everywhere).
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome.
Mark and Norbert (@eddiecaine on Twitter) talk about their favorite 2022 Marvel Cinematic Universe moments. It was a busy year for the MCU as three movies, three shows, two specials, and some Groot mini-episodes were released and met with a wide range of opinions. In this episode, they also talk about where the MCU is headed and wonder what Madisynn is up to. Enjoy!
If you are a fan of the podcast, make sure to send in some random listener questions (we love random questions). We thank you for listening, and hope you enjoy the episode!
You can download the pod on Apple Podcasts, Tune In, Podbean, or Spreaker.
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John’s Horror Corner: Don’t Open Till Christmas (1984), a thoughtfully written yet moderately boring British holiday horror.
MY CALL: This movie had a lot of potential, but somehow dropped the ball on the “horror” in this horror movie. Sorry, but I found it boring. MORE MOVIES LIKE Don’t Open Till Christmas: For more holiday horror, check out Black Christmas (1974, 2006 remake, 2019), Await Further Instructions (2018), Holidays (2016; Christmas), A Christmas Horror Story (2015), Krampus (2015), Better Watch Out (2016), Silent Night Deadly Night (1984), Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) Gremlins (1984), Elves (1989), Tales from the Crypt Season 1 (1989; And All Through the House) and Tales from the Crypt (1972; And All Through the House). Skip The Oracle (1985), Silent Night Deadly Night part 2 (1987), and maybe even All the Creatures Were Stirring (2018).
The heavy mouth-breathing killer POV and cheap, retractable blade stabbery make for a rather dull opening sequence that doesn’t leave me terribly optimistic for whatever shall follow. If I’m being completely honest, I enjoyed watching the Christmas party dancing more than the first two kills. The second Santa kill was much better. Nothing particularly impressive, just better than the empty murders of the opening and the subsequent third Santa murder. Oh, and there’s your theme! Our holiday hacker is slashing as many Santas as he can in the days leading up to Christmas.
If this movie had but one success, it’s that I may have never seen so many different people in Santa suits in a single movie before. Nor, I doubt anyway, have I ever seen so many people in Santa suits murdered in a single movie. So… I guess there’s that.
When a wrapped Christmas present is delivered to Inspector Harris (Edmund Purdom) with the note “don’t open till Christmas” I suppose we’re all to gawk “that’s the name of the movie!” By the end of the movie when we learn the present’s contents I was underwhelmed with “meh.” And that, likewise, is a fair representation of my experience with this movie. I didn’t hate it. But it was a whole lotta’ “meh.”
The death scenes are largely uninspired, unclever, and phoned-in. They’re often so disappointingly basic as to be less entertaining than the non-horror parts of this British slasher movie. Though the movie isn’t without its occasional charm—like a massively gory exit would from a gunshot through a Santa’s open mouth or a Santa discovered with a cleaver embedded in in his face. But the highlight for me was the “implied” razorblade to the crotch while a blue-collar Santa was at a urinal. Charming indeed, even if we don’t see anything but blood spurts and a urine stream.
The movie “tries” to diversify its death scenes for our entertainment. But it generally fails. A shoeblade kick to the groin and studded gauntlet punch to the face both land very briefly and very flat, not unlike the quick and stale strangling. It’s like they filmed the movie saving the death scenes for the end and then realized they had five bucks of budget left, and then one-take’d a bunch of haphazard and very brief murders.
For as boring as this slash movie is, a lot of attention went to the plot, the creepy opening credit sequence, the police investigation and the characters. Great thought was placed in the personality of the killer (Alan Lake), which would have finely complemented the movie had there been bloodier or better built-up murders. Somehow, though, the atmosphere and cultivation of dread were largely squandered. With a better special effects team, some attention to building tension, and a little more money, this could have been a solid 80s slasher with far above average quality non-horror scenes and acting, along with (hopefully) serviceable horror.
Director Edmund Purdom’s only feature film was nothing special for me; as I’ve said, kind of boring. But it also was no reason for which he should not have directed more horror movies. I wonder what the story was there.
Movies, Films & Flix 