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Bad Movie Tuesday: The Best Worst Villain Round 3.

May 7, 2013

Hello all. Mark here.

The 16 are now 8. Upsets were aplenty as Parker Posey and The Gingerdead Man toppled their competition with head kicks, one-liners and names like Millard Findlemeyer.

The greatest thing about this tournament is there is no way to predict who will win. It is a random force of nature that is now anchored by sharks who kill with fantastic timing, unpredictable air and a man who is  “too unpredictable even for brackets.” This tournament offers more surprises then this creepy ladies questions.

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Last week my brother asked me “what is a poop monster?” I told him the poop monster was an alien that looked like poop and harassed Timothy Olyphant, Damian Lewis and an odd eyebrowed Morgan Freeman in Dreamcatcher.  His question made me realize that these villains are pretty obscure so the following post will give brief explanations and insights into the remaining angry eight.

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via my wonderful fiancée at MADesigns

The Mega Shark,

Mega Shark VS. Giant Octopus transcended bad and went into awful awesomeness. It looked like it was filmed on wax paper and the CGI/SFX were straight out of the early 80s. However, it amassed a huge following and the trailer was watched millions of times on Yahoo and Youtube. Also, this scene became famous.

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Mega Shark was enjoyable because it told a po-faced story that didn’t feature tongue in cheek moments (Sharktopus) or embrace the badness. The movie made me excited for whatever the shlock production company Asylum came up with next. However, the do no wrong glow started to fade as movies  like Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Titanic 2, 2010: Moby Dick, Almighty Thor and 2-Headed Shark attack, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid and Mega Piranha  became increasingly hard to watch.  Mega Shark was so good/bad it captured the nations imagination and allowed a tiny company to have its 15 minutes of fame.

Gerard Butler’s hair in Dracula 2000

In the words of co-writer John Leavengood “That dude’s hair was like feathered testosterony bouncy dark locks of sexuality.”  I don’t remember anything about Dracula 2000 but I did recall a well-groomed Dracula sulking around and killing good-looking actors. The hair has become a common phrase within my circle of friends and is evidenced in my discussion with fellow contributor VJ. He said “I need a job like Butler needed three hair dressers for Dracula.

I covered this film for a Bad Movie Tuesday post a long time ago and I found this nugget.

“The most important thing not to do is carry around hair gel. The only thing Dracula craves more than blood is hair styling products. The reason I say this is because Gerard Butler struts around New Orleans with hair so wavy surfers couldn’t ride it.  When you become a vampire does  your hair become instantly perfect? I ask this because  Butler’s hair flows majestically in the wind with nary any upkeep.

Gerard Butler's hair

The Air from The Happening

The Happening is a strange film about killer air, mass suicide and a guy getting his arm ripped off by a lion. The movie took a beating by the critics and has since become a cult classic of unintentional badness.  Wahlberg has expressed his displeasure “ It is what it is. F**king trees, man. The plants. F**k it.” The poor guy just wanted to play a science teacher.

For instance, if you want to get a feel for this film watch this clip entitled “Mark Wahlberg talks to a tree.”

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The Leprechaun from all those silly Leprechaun movies.

The Leprechaun went to the hood TWICE, looked for gold three times and been to space once. He also came up with this rhyme that is both painful and impossible to turn away from.

NSFW

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Parker Posey from Blade: Trinity

Parker Posey is a beaken of light amidst the black hole of dumb that was Blade: Trinity. She vamped it up and while Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel struggled to deal with a surly Wesley Snipes (Read Patton Oswalt’s great AV Club interview). She kicks people in the face, spouts one-liners and worries about skin care while everything is going wrong around her. She is a yuppy vampire whom instantly regrets awakening the bald Abercrombie & Fitch Dracula. I bet she was hoping for a well quaffed Gerard Butler but instead was threatened with silver farts, big hair and wonderful insults.

Gary Busey as the Gingerdead Man

This is what happens when you explain the Gingerdead Man to your brother.

Mark: The Gingerdead Man is about Gary Busey’s serial killer soul being inserted into a demented gingerbread man. Look at it as if the gingerbread man from Shrek went evil and sounded like Gary Busey.

Erik: That’s weird bro.

Watch the trailer. IT IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. However, the squeal noise 12 seconds in is amazing.

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The Shark Who Ate Sam Jackson in Deep Blue Sea

I worked in a movie theater for five years and the scene where Sam Jackson meets his demise got the loudest reaction I’d ever heard. People went bonkers for the CGI shark and it’s amazing timing. What I love about Deep Blue Sea is that you are suppossed to believe that these sharks are herding the scientists into various chambers in order to free themselves. It was the first DVD I bought and I think it is an underrated masterpiece of dumb.

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The Motherf***ing Snakes on a Plane

Fueled by the internet these snakes became cult classics before the film was released. Hearing Sam Jackson spout obscentites while thousands of feet in the air pushed the vocal internet nerdy minority into a feeding frenzy. Everybody thought the movie was going to be a massive hit until everybody saw it. Expectations were burst and the movie didn’t live up to the Sam Jackson punching snakes mythos envisioned. However, you have to appreciate a movie that captured the world’s attention via strategic Sam Jackson profanity.

NSFW

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